How do you make a bear attack book boring? Well follow Lamar Underwood's structure.
1) Lure in the audience with a gut wrenching tale of a Swiss woman visiting Yellowstone Park who follows all precautions but still gets attacked & killed by a bear. Hard stuff to read. You'll trick your readers into thinking they're in for a real,'edge of your seat', intense type stories of bear attacks.
2) Your next chapter is going to be 30 odd pages taken from Lewis & Clark's journals, written in hard to read English, make sure to mention bears, but focus mostly on the animals Lewis & Clark find & kill. Maybe to make it fall under the 'bear attack' category, include a few times a bear charged at them & how they unfortunately survived.
3) To trick your readers into thinking that was one off, include a very short chapter on a man that got killed by a bear. A sad chapter but still intense!
4) Next chapter go back to mundane history that doesn't really include incredible bear attacks.
5) Because you really were disappointed in the lack on interest people had for your bear novel, be sure to include a long excerpt of a fictional bear attack you wrote once.
6) You realise you might be pushing it with the lack on 'incredible bear attacks' so include a polar bear attack that will bring your readers back. It'll be real tense & dramatic stuff!
7) You now realise you've no more bear attack stories to include, so from now on you put two very large chapters about Theodore Roosevelt hunting animals & his encounter with the ocassional bear, then maybe the next chapter some boring historical shit, maybe the next chapter you can include your own review of the film The Revenant because why the fuck not? Then the last three chapters more boring historical shit of people hunting animals who sometimes encounter a bear.
I'm shelving this as 'did not finish' because I skipped soooooo many chapters. Truly, incredibly boring stuff. Literally three chapters out 13 where what I would consider 'incredible bear attacks' the rest were probably only interested in people who are either interested in the people who wrote the journal entires/authors or people who are interested in natural history, but if you bought it for scary bear attack stories then you're not in for a treat; do not go down into the woods today because you'll be sure of no surprises.
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