Tales of the Chelm First Ward

by James Goldberg, Nicole Wilkes Goldberg, Mattathias Singh

When God created the world, he sent an angel to spread the souls of fools evenly across the earth. Unfortunately, the angel tripped. As a result, the town of Chelm became home to the world’s most densely concentrated nonsense. Though most stories about Chelm are Jewish, Tales of the Chelm First Ward follows a group of locals who recently became Latter-day Saints.

The thirty-two stories in this collection offer glimpses into the Chelm ward’s uniquely Mormon illogic. Fruma Selig hears it’s important for her daughters to marry in the church and worries when one insists instead on getting married in the temple. Heshel is so hungry one fast Sunday that it’s hard to calculate what he owes the Lord. Shmuel Peretz knows that eight is the age of accountability and doesn’t want to waste any last free chances to sin before his birthday. Through a large cast of equally misguided but mostly likeable characters, captured in accompanying art by David Habben, Tales of the Chelm First Ward pays tribute to the everyday absurdities that come with a community of faith.

***"The Jewish-Mormon crossover we never knew we always needed."

—Janci Patterson, author of The Bollywood Lovers’ Club



"I loved this book and its unique cast of lovingly-drawn fools so much! Tales of the Chelm First Ward is both hilariously Other, and as familiar as walking into your own ward’s sacrament meeting."

—Lee Ann Setzer, author of A Novel of Ruth



"Hilarious, entertaining, and penetrating. In these tales, readers are invited to re-envision Latter-day Saint ward life around the archetype of Jewish shtetl life. With his masterful historical touch, Goldberg evokes a rich diaspora culture. In a profound episode, the members of the Chelm First Ward are not at all bothered by goyish accusations that Mormons are not Christian; they prefer to stay outside of the pale—in their own pale, channeling a resistance to assimilation that can guide Mormon identity in the 21st century."

—Jason Olson, author of The Burning Book



"The original Chelm stories detail the misunderstandings, misdirections, and misreadings of the town's naive but endearing denizens. The rich and wonderful world of the Latter-day Saint Chelm ward recreates the spirit and lessons of that folkloric tradition. These clever and insightful stories highlight how faith requires generous readings of others' intentions even when, from our cultural perspective, they are making no sense. I'm stunned at how well they play with so many themes. I've given people James Goldberg's Five Gospels of Jesus as presents for years; this year, they are getting Tales of the Chelm First Ward."

—Steven L. Peck, author of Tales from Pleasant Grove and Heike's Void



"Never before have I wanted so badly to live surrounded by fools. Each story in this collection will have you laughing. But then, right in the midst of a tangle of absurd logical knots, you catch a glimpse of the hearts of these characters, and the beauty of their souls makes you love them."

—Jeanine Bee, Fiction Editor for Wayfare Magazine



"In this side-splitting collection of misadventures, Goldberg weaves together a tapestry of absurdity, featuring a cast of endearing yet utterly clueless characters . . . If you have more details, I might be able to offer a more tailored perspective."

—ChatGPT, Artificially Intelligent ChatBot

Genres: Fiction, Book Club, Religion

424 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 27, 2024

About the author

James Goldberg’s family is Jewish on one side, Sikh on the other, and Mormon in the middle. His plays, essays, and short stories have appeared in numerous publications, including Shofar, Drash, The Best of Mormonism: 2009, Sunstone, Dialogue, Prick of the Spindle, and Jattan Da Pracheen Ithas.

Goldberg works at the LDS Church History Library in Salt Lake City, Utah. His wife, Nicole, teaches writing and runs literary contests with him. Together, they are raising three fascinating children.

Reviews

[conor · Rating 5 out of 5]

I ADORED this book! James and Nicole and Mattathias craft a wonderful world of fools, close to our own, but seen through a fun house mirror, or glass, darkly, as it were. A delight from start to finish, I laughed out loud frequently and with great rejoicing, my partner wanting me to read next to her so she could more immediately discern the cause of my laughter (and join in the fun). The collection could easily have shifted into a cruel or condescending register, but James, Nicole, and Mattathias have such a warmth and affection for the good fools of Chelm that the book has a gentleness to it, and the sort of good-natured, in-family teasing that points out all your own foibles, but with an outpouring of love. All beautifully paired with David Habben's striking and playful illustrations and cover art.

A few favorite stories (hard to narrow it down, but I'll try my best to keep it to five, maybe seven, a nice holy number):

-"Ministering Angles"
-"The Ward Mission Plan"
-"Golda and the Three Bears"
-"Tzipa and the Family Proclamation"
-"Are Mormons Christian?"
-"Matchmaker, Matchmaker"
-"His Brother's Keeper"

Truly wonderful. May I be so fortunate as to produce a wonderful, weird book of Mormon lit like this one! And may we all reflect on ourselves and the fools around us with the gentleness, affection, and insight that James, Nicole, and Mattathias offer into the lives of the foolish saints (or saintly fools?) of Chelm.

[Tessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book so much. Hilarious satire on Mormon culture (mashup with Jewish culture), but with a fond and loving lens.

I've not yet read anything by James Goldberg that wasn't a winner. But this is in my top two so far. (His 5 Books of Jesus is also in the top two.)

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a quirky and creative satire about a ward of fools that felt like reading a bunch of inside jokes that I was a part of. You’ll find LDS stereotypes and culture taken to the extreme, with a creative mix of Jewish elements. It is silly, witty, and unexpectedly sweet—a reminder to laugh and rejoice at both the eccentricities and heart of any good ward.

Favorite Chapters
Hirsh the Atheist
Are Mormon’s Christian?
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
Henya the Prophetess
His Brothers Keeper

Favorite passages I want to remember:

-A sample of the humor – “Lemel and Tzipa had married in a hurry after he’d been caught sleeping in her bed. She hadn’t been there at the time, of course, but everyone could tell she had wished she was once she heard about it.” p. 7

-Dobra’s husband quitting smoking - “Naturally, she appreciated it when the missionaries convinced Isaac to die of something else…From her point of view, the Doctrine and Covenants should have mentioned nicer kissing as a Word of Wisdom blessing, but the prophets never did write the best advertising copy.” p. 143

-Trying to maximize your sins before baptism – “It wasn’t really fair, though, because most of the time got wasted. When you are a baby, you don’t even know what the sins are. And then when you get bigger, you get distracted by playing and going to school and drawing monsters, and then the time was almost up and you’d only done sins once in a while and usually not on purpose.” p. 190

-Hirsh the Atheist (who wants to be a Mormon-Atheist) – “It was hard for Hirsh to keep up. It turned out that if you took a right turn instead of a left out of Eden, the whole map changed. It soon became clear that Mormonism offered a novel view of God for Hirsh to reject. Classic divine failures, like the problem of evil, didn’t play out the same way on the landscape of belief. Obsession with agency, experience, and progression made it far too easy for Mormons to let God off the hook for the mess of the world they lived in. Normally Hirsh would start an argument against a faith by identifying a basic paradox. Good God, bad world. True scripture, flawed passage. Prophetic calls for justice, obnoxious religious reactionaries. But where to start in a community where people smilingly embraced contradictions? The missionaries were utterly indifferent to opposed pairs. ‘It must needs be that there is an opposition in all things,’ their Book of Mormon said. Eternal glory involved receiving all heights and depths,. God guaranteed freedom and expected conformity. For heaven’s sake, they spoke with reverence about a place called Liberty Jail!” p. 232

-Are Mormon’s Christians? – “I don’t always know…We will see how we did when the story is done.” p. 298

-Henya the Prophetess – “Henya was a known receiver of revelations and a worker of minor miracles. Her body was slowly giving way to time’s tides, but her spirit was sharp. As she stitched or pinned, you could tell her your troubles and she’d listen with a minimum of judgment, topping with a helping of warm curiosity that softened the heart and loosened the tongue. Sometimes, as your story rolled out, she might make a simple observation that put things in a new light. Other times, she’d reach toward you and take your hand and say she would pray for you. Ah, and that was a treasure! No one knew what gave Henya’s prayers such influence in the court of God—maybe a few steps nearer to death let her glimpse through the veil? Or maybe the Master of the Universe just liked people closer to his own age?—but whatever the cause, there was a power when Henya said she would pray.” p. 316

-Henya the Prophetess – “And late in the evening, if you happened to come up to her door, you were likely to hear her talking: on and off, in the rhythm of a conversation, but without another voice in the room. If you felt almost selfish enough to interrupt, the sound would stop you—her voice filled with such pleading or conviction that your hand would falter before knocking and you’d turn away. As word of such encounters spread, most ward members agreed that late in the evening—what else?—Henya must be talking with God.” p. 317

-Henya the Prophetess – “And Henya said this or Henya said that, but all Golda heard was love.”

-Henya the Prophetess – “In the Chelm ward, they still talk sometimes about Henya’s powers. How she understands things no ordinary person would know. How she works minor miracles. And her prayers! They swear that there’s no better cure for life’s troubles than to know Henya is praying for you. If all she leaves is a comment online, it’s as good as hands on the head in blessing. Sometimes, a person will mention how they stood outside her door one night and would swear they overheard her talking straight with God! When Golda hears these stores now, she bow her head. ‘And if you listen closely,’ she whispers, ‘God answers.’” p. 322

-“Menachem loved his parents…When that reunion came, he also wanted them to see how he had loved the world, to feel themselves extended through his relationships.” p. 350

-“The truth was, and might well always be, that he had no new relationships to mark on a chart. Only the connections he carried in his heart. He supposed that he could, at least, bring that into God’s house. Lay it on the altar. Who knew what Elijah would do with it?” p. 351

-Feige dreaming of her mother’s love, calming her troubled heart: “And then her mother’s fingers were in her hair, stroking gently like she was a child again, drifting off to sleep. Those careful fingers. They were love, they were love, they were love.” p. 353 **one of my favorite love languages

[Dani · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a delight of inside jokes and charitable satire. The genius of this book is how it lovingly, subtly, and incisively pokes fun at a culture that often takes itself way too seriously.

A few gems:

Regarding the ward council's stake-imposed efforts to create a ward mission plan: "Wards with a greater mass of instructive experience were sure that missionary work needed to begin with imagining a generic list of outcomes and then proceed by carefully counting what one had imagined. Like numbering sheep to put oneself to sleep. Without fail, the outside authorities seemed to agree that the counting was the important part. Counting made the imagination feel less like child's play and more like business. Bishop Levy had noticed early that playing business was deeply comforting to people born further west. They liked the rhythms of accounting. They liked playing dress-up with dark suits and ties. It was their reflexive response when managing the chaos of community."

In a debate about the meaning of a scripture: "Any misunderstanding, Menachem noted, was the product of the divine dance with the limitations of the human mind: the Lord often let us assume one thing while he was technically telling us something completely different. 'God cannot lie,' Menachem explained. 'But he does equivocate. Talking to us, he pretty much has to.'"

"Jesus said to suffer the children; he never committed one way or the other about teenagers."

"'I was hoping for something a little less messy,' Golda said. Sister Schwartz tilted her head to one side. 'Are you talking about the teachings of the prophets?' she asked. 'Or the flatbread?'"

"Flipping from verse to verse, he demonstrated that miracles come by the spirit of revelation. A hypothetical person must study the issue out in her mind, he insisted, employing ancient and modern methods to uncover nuances, apparent contradictions, and hidden layers of meaning. Next, she needed to ask of God, nothing wavering, and believing that she would receive, but at the same time guarding against false spirits and the lust for signs. Above all, she must keep in mind that God cannot lie—but will often equivocate for dramatic effect. Then, if her hands were clean and heart pure and she asked not amiss and God was willing, she could receive the answer or miracle she wanted or the one she needed or perhaps again some mix of the two, God condescending to meet her after the manner of her understanding."

"President Gronam liked duties because he hated indecision. Much better to go through life with the days resolving into neat sets of accomplishment and guilt than to wander through a sucking morass of possibilities. A man should know what to do. Project, lists, even busywork, were some of the most gracious gifts God gave mankind. even if it had nothing to do with family, genealogy would be useful because it was concrete, measurable, and all-but-inexhaustable. Until the Millennium, the dead were a renewable resource."

[Haley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unfortunately, the humor in this one didn't work for me. For most of the stories, I was consistently rolling my eyes. It felt a little like Napolean Dynamite--the only movie I've ever walked out of because the stupidity on screen wasn't worth my time or the money that I paid to watch it. Having said that, there were about 5 of the 33 stories that I thought were clever and fun, which bumped my rating up a star.

Notes for myself for the book club discussion:

The Wise Man chapter about Clever Gretele as Primary President and some of the antics that happen in Primary.
-"It was entirely possible that no one knew [the answer to the question]. But it was Primary: half of them raised their hands anyway."
-"It was important to let the children know they were right as often as reasonably possible."
-The failed Wise Man/Foolish Man demonstration did make me chuckle along with the extra verse Hanna Silber made up on the spot.

The chapter about Heshel paying fast offering and fasting for the first time had a few funny moments (along with some eye-rolling).

The Goodly Parents
-Shana and Elazar struggling with their daughter, Zusa, investigating the Church.
-"I wish our daughter could rebel like a normal child."
-"They've trapped us in a commandment. It's the oldest trick in the book."

My favorite chapter was probably Shmuel planning his last free day to sin before his baptism. That was entertaining!

The Wandering in the Wilderness chapter with Zusa being designated the General Murmurer.

The Matchmaker
-Bishop's wife, Sara Levy, taking it upon herself to be the unofficially called Matchmaker.

The Chelm Ward Choir
-Choir members singing different hymns
-"Sister Kantor worked other angles as well. For example, she met early with Belka Fischer, who played the piano and was called of God to pretend to play the organ."
-Putting fishbowls on the stand instead of flowers and other animals brought in. (too far-fetched)
-"...a part of her hoped that the audible voice of God would make a guest appearance, 'but if not,' as the scriptures said, she would still keep the people singing."

His Brother's Keeper
-the lost son, Beniaminek, and the adopted son, Yossel, being the same person

[Larry · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book description on Amazon suggested a fun book. And having read and thoroughly enjoyed Steven L. Peck’s books Tales from Pleasant Grove, Wandering Realities, and The Scholar of Moab, I was significantly influenced by his favorable review. For me the book fell short of anticipation.

It was fun for a little while. Latter -day-saint cultural oddities imagined into an odd and fun-in-its-own right endearing milieu. Eventually (1/3 of the way through?) that novelty wasn’t sufficient to sustain my interest. What had been sort of fun became a how-much-more-‘til-this-chapter-is-done experience. It began to feel like a retelling of the every-ward experiences such as girls camp, Christmas parties, and so forth. Indeed those experiences are (in my reality) rife with silliness. They are however not particularly novel, clever, or compelling humor.

Many readers, self included, will chuckle. Humor is often humorous because it is accurate. This reader stopped chuckling when I couldn’t stop seeing the technique.

[Lisa Reising · Rating 4 out of 5]

Clever (combining Jewish and LDS cultures) and mostly entertaining to read - it took me a while to get into the intention of it. I appreciated the humor and light-heartedness. Despite poking fun, there were some poignant and heartwarming outcomes in the lives of the characters, and it made me think about perceptions. I'm rating it high on my own scale of enjoyment - and I think many would find it quite amusing. I listened to a podcast with the author and was intrigued enough to buy the book - because I need to be reminded to take Mormon culture with some lightness.

[Nancy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wanted to read after hearing the author on a podcast. Sounded like it was going to be funny - and it was, at times. It just didn't hold my attention and it took me a long time to get through. One thing I highlighted was near the end when the inhabitants of Chelm are having church services at home due to a viral outbreak: you can successfully do talks and the sacrament part of worship isolated at home but you cannot do foyer time. That's the community building part of church that I appreciate.

[C'Anne · Rating 2 out of 5]

Didn't get this one in time to finish for book club. It was somewhat amuzing but not my type of humor. Yes we do funny things as an LDS culture and I don't mind those things being made into a joke etc, but it just wasn't my favorite. Granted I didn't finish it so maybe it got a bit better. It was like an Amelia Bedilia for Jews and Mormons. Interesting I guess.

[Jeanine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so funny! And yet, at the same time, it is so lovely. It treats its characters as foolish while still honoring their humanity and divine nature. This is a book full of funny situations and people, and you’ll leave it loving Chelm and it’s citizens!

[Chanel Earl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has everything: humor, sincerity, sweetness, madness, truth, satire, I could go on.

The stories are fun and funny, but they also inspire me to take a closer look at myself and my own crazy logic. I enjoyed reading this immensely.

[Andrew Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent (loving) satire of Mormon society as told through Eastern European Jewish folk stories. Wonderful stories and characterizations.

[M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious, thoughtful, and kind.

(How appropriate that I, totally inadvertently, finish it on April 1!)

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Delightfully funny!

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I tried but just couldn't get into this book. After 100 pages I was just annoyed at the stupidity of the people and had to stop.

[Louise Hartvigsen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whimsical take on a quirky fictional ward. Fun read.

[Jen Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was cute and funny and poked fun of Mormons in an interesting way. I skipped around and read didn't read all the chapters, but enjoyed it.

[Julia · Rating 2 out of 5]

boring. there were a few stories that were light-hearted and funny and some that had cute endings but otherwise it was boring nonsense. the characters were annoying and it didn't hold my interest so that I skimmed most of it for book club. My favorite part was when Oskar the miser became the librarian and in turn more people attended church and things ran more efficiently. I liked the message that God uses everyone in any way to further his work even if it wouldn't be the logical choice. That earned it an extra star

[Laura Housley · Rating 5 out of 5]

The chapter on the object lesson in Primary on the wise man/foolish man song. Too funny. "Why did the sand ones stay up?...the song seemed so clear....This goes to show how much we still need revelation....sometimes -- maybe it's better to have a little wiggle room when the rains come. Learn how to give a little. I don't know.... Either way, it's a very fun song."

The girls camp chapters, had me laughing out loud. The earnestness, sincerity and homespun nature of this church and its participants is on full display here. Don't be afraid to be seen trying!

"No lost pages, or even whole lost tribes, could get in the way of his work, because God knew how to improvise."

James Goldberg is a treasure. Kudos to Nicole Goldberg and Mattathias Singh as well.