The Requirement of Grief

by Danielle Ariano

Danielle Ariano spends much of her childhood in suburban Philadelphia, trying to mimic her older sister Alexis: the way she dresses, speaks, even the way she stands when she smokes. But at 12, Ariano gets the first clue that all might not be well in Alexis's inner world, when her sister locks herself in a bathroom and swallows a handful of aspirin. This is the first of 13 suicide attempts that will span 30 years.

The Requirement of Grief lays bare the relationship between two sisters and the bond that remains in the wake of a suicide. In startlingly honest prose, Ariano tracks her grief journey chronologically through days, months, and years; all the way through the birth of her first son. But will the unparalleled new joy of motherhood be powerful enough to drive out her grief?

Equal parts shatteringly sad and infinitely hopeful, The Requirement of Grief, tells the story of one person learning to bear the unbearable.

282 pages, Paperback

First published April 21, 2024

Reviews

[Annie B · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished TROG, and it sounds like a strange thing to say based on the subject matter but I really didn’t want it to end- it felt like a gift of a long, heart wrenching, refreshing conversation that I’ll always carry with me.

This helped me process my own experiences of mental health disorders, caregiving, being a sister/ daughter/ mother, living beyond someone who died by suicide.

This collection of moments and perspectives throughout Alexis’ illness, from the entire family, brought her to life in such a whole way - it felt like I was talking to her too.

Thank you, Danielle, for your courage, and I’m sure blood/sweat/tears, on such a tender topic - I’m grateful and know others will be too.

[Corey Weible · Rating 5 out of 5]

Emotions are complex and often guarded. In this book, the author bares her soul with imagery and descriptions that pay honor to the struggles she endured as her sister faces depression, multiple suicide attempts and ultimately dies by intentional overdose. The book is full of short chapters that are rich with emotion. Some are fun memories of the sisters as rebellious teens and others are gut-wrenching sad as the author is forced to put up boundaries to protect herself from her sisters addiction and mental health effects. This book is not just for those of us in acute grief but meant for anyone that loves someone that is difficult to love, that wrestles with competing feelings that point you in opposite directions, and for anyone that has lost a loved one or is even in fear of losing a loved one. You will laugh, you will cry, you will feel thankful for the authors vulnerability and sense of humor and you will want to love others as fiercely as possible as so many "characters" in this story do even to their own fault. The requirement of grief is revealed toward the end of the memoir.

[Soumil Agarwal · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have never read about death the way I did in this book. “The Requirement of Grief” is an amazing title for this book because it talks about grief as permanent and demanding. I am very happy I picked this up at my local bookstore because it has taught me some very important things. I will come back to some of these chapters.

[Book Reviewer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Danielle Ariano's memoir, The Requirement of Grief, presents an insightful exploration into the multifaceted experience of loss and healing. Ariano's journey through the challenging landscape of grief following the impact of suicide is interwoven with the life-affirming journey of motherhood, showcasing her remarkable resilience.

Ariano's writing is introspective and heartfelt, inviting readers to share in her deeply personal experiences of sorrow and reflection, ultimately leading to a sense of hope. Her approach is marked by an authentic, unguarded honesty, offering a genuine connection for readers who may have faced similar trials. The memoir does not shy away from the complexity of emotions inherent in grieving, including shock, sadness, and despair. Ariano's detailed account of her mourning process provides comfort and understanding to those who have endured similar losses. The memoir is particularly compelling in its portrayal of the transformative impact of motherhood on Ariano's life. Amidst the grief, the profound relationship with her child emerges as a source of joy and purpose, offering light in the darker moments. A key strength of The Requirement of Grief lies in Ariano's commitment to candidly addressing the often uncomfortable and chaotic aspects of grief. This honest exploration contributes to a deeper understanding and healing process.

The Requirement of Grief stands as more than just a memoir. It is a powerful affirmation of the human spirit's capacity for resilience. Ariano's narrative is a poignant reminder of the beauty and love that can emerge from our most challenging experiences, resonating with readers who appreciate the nuanced reality of grief and its inevitable presence in our lives.

[Judith · Rating 5 out of 5]

The one requirement of grief, says Danielle Ariano, is that you carry it. Following the death by suicide of her older sister, with whom she’d had an increasingly troubled relationship, Ariano found that she processed her grief on multiple levels. Moving back and forth in time, she reflects on the good times and the bad with her sister; she deals with the aftermath and logistics; she tries to get inside the mind of her mentally ill sister; and she tries to get on with living her life. She does this through short, episodic chapters that are poignant, unflinchingly honest, and even laugh out loud at times. This is a beautiful memoir for anyone who has experienced loss on any level.

[Diana Rojas · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone who has loved and lost, wished you could have done more for that person you loved, mourned in life the person who was beyond your helping hand, this beautifully written memoir of life and grief. Miraculously funny in parts, searing in others, tragic and yet so loving. "As time passes, I learn that grief's only requirement is that it must be carried.... Carried always."

Amazing book.

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Danielle Ariano lays bare the ground-sweeping emotional rollercoaster that grief’s grip has created by the loss of her sister-both friend and, sometimes, contentious foe. She breaks your heart, makes you laugh and amazes you with her breathtaking story and strength, while telling the universal truths of love and loss. This reader is thoroughly impressed!

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Danielle has an amazing way with words, even with a sensitive topic. Her writing is raw and real. She shares a lesson for all of us, whether we are affected by suicide or not, to give ourselves grace and hope is possible.

[Claire · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had the most stunning prose! A deep, thoughtful, heartfelt read.