10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People: A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation―And Making Your Own Life Easier

by David Yeager

An Avid Reader Press book. Simon & Schuster has a great book for every reader.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Education, Psychology, Business, Teaching, Leadership

464 pages, Hardcover

Published August 6, 2024

Reviews

[Joy Kirr · Rating 4 out of 5]

My notes are here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1O...

[bird · Rating 2 out of 5]

there's a whole lot of books that should be blog posts

[Barb Middleton · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author use recent studies and his own research to explore the topic of adolescents who seek social status and adults that can mentor them in a way that motivates rather than discourages them. As an educator for over 20 years I have heard what he writes about in different professional development and graduate courses. It’s good information and I like how he personalizes it and shows the importance of diversity.

[Kitty · Rating 5 out of 5]

arvestades, et selle raamatu läbilugemine võttis mul kolm raamatukogu laenutustsüklit, kõhklesin viie tärniga hindamast, sest mõtlesin, et ta oleks saanud olla veidi haaravamalt kirjutatud või... ma ei teagi. aga lõpuks otsustasin, et asi on minus ja et ma lihtsalt ise ei keskendunud ega prioritiseerinud piisavalt. raamat on hea, kasulik ja üldse mitte igav ega keeruline. üsna kenas tasakaalus on siin lood reaalsest elust (eelkõige inspireerivatest mentoritest ja nende meetoditest) ja praktilisest raamistikust, mis loodetavasti aitab lugejal endal saada paremaks lapsevanemaks/õpetajaks/juhiks/mis iganes rollis inimesel tuleb noorte inimestega kokku puutuda.

mu enda jaoks on see kindlasti üks neid raamatuid, mis vääriksid täiemõõdulist konspekti ja aegajalt ka ülelugemist, aga ma ei ole selle suhtes pärast selle esimese lugemiskorra kolmele kuule venitamist ülemäära optimistlik :( hetkel igatahes väga ei viitsi otsast peale uuesti ette võtta. nii et selle asemel, et teda endale riiulisse seisma osta, panen kirja mõned kiired märksõnad ja loodan, et neid õnnestub praktikas rakendada, enne kui päris meelest läheb kõik.

* neuroloogilise ebakompetentsuse mudel: levinud on arusaam, et noore inimese aju ei olegi võimeline põhjuse ja tagajärje seoseid tajuma, planeerima ja plaane ellu viima, oma tulevikule mõtlema jne. see tegelikult ei ole nii, kasvõi vaadates, kui osavalt suudab teismeline vajadusel salaja peole hiilida või oma suitsetamise jälgi peita. nad oskavad eesmärgi nimel tegutseda küll, neil lihtsalt on teised eesmärgid.
* staatus ja respekt - põhilised asjad, mis noori tegelikult motiveerivad. kui mingi tegevus neid ei anna, siis ei pruugi see olla väärt tegemist, ükskõik, mida täiskasvanud räägivad näiteks tervisemõjudest (vt: suitsetada või mitte?)
* adolescent predicament (ma ei oska tõlkida. teismelisuse paradoks?): neurobioloogiliselt kõrge vajadus staatuse ja respekti järele vs noorele inimesele ühiskonnas tegelikult võimaldatav staatus ja respekt (madal). kestab veel tükk aega pärast teismeiga, kahekümnendatesse välja. üks põhjuseid, miks see raamat defineerib noored kui 10-25 aasta vanused - puberteedi algusest kuni sinna, kuni sind päriselt tõsiselt võetakse.
* võimalikud lähenemised täiskasvanu poolt:
- kehtestaja (enforcer) - seab kõrged standardid, aga eeldab, et igaüks peab need ise saavutama ja et see noor, kes vajab abi või tuge, on kas andetu või tahtejõuetu ja sellega polegi midagi teha;
- kaitsja (protector) - usub, et läbikukkumine või negatiivne tagasiside teeb haiget ja et noori tuleb sellest säästa, seega ei nõua millegi saavutamist, peaasi, et keegi kurb poleks;
- mentor - usub, et õige toetusega on igaüks võimeline palju saavutama, seega nõuab palju, aga pakub ka palju tuge
* mentori mõtteviisini jõudmiseks on vaja lasta lahti neurobioloogilise ebakompetentsuse mudelist ja vaadata üle oma uskumused noorte inimeste kohta.
* läbipaistvus: noortele tuleb selgelt öelda, et see, mida sa mentorina teed - tagasiside, kõrged standardid, küsimuste küsimine jne - on sellepärast, et sa hoolid ja tahad aidata; muidu võivad nad seda valesti interpreteerida.
* küsi, selle asemel et ise rääkida (questioning rather than telling).
* stress: ei pea vältima (protector mindset!), tuleb hoida sisulised standardid kõrged ja anda vajadusel tuge/ressursse juurde. järeleandmisi saab teha logistikas (intellectual rigor, logistical flexibility) - nt pikendada kodutöö tähtaegu. stress-is-debilitating uskumus asendada stress-can-be-enhancing uskumusega.
* Sergio Trifecta: 1) validate and reframe, 2) seek to understand, 3) offer to collaborate
* purpose: (noorel) inimesel on vaja teada, mille nimel ta midagi teeb
* kuuluvustunne - seotud kompetentsusega (aitavad vastastikku üksteist saavutada/suurendada; see toimub staatuse ja respekti kontekstis). sotsiaalne ja intellektuaalne kuuluvus. kuuluvustundega kimpusolija jaoks on oluline teada, et "see läheb paremaks" (kogemuslood).
* kiusamine: teismeeas kiusavad teisi "poolpopulaarsed" lapsed, eesmärgiga saada kõige populaarsemate hulka (staatust ja respekti!). kiusatavat aitab teadmine, et inimesed muutuvad (nii kiusajad kui nad ise). kiusajale tuleb õpetada teisi viise staatuse saavutamiseks.
* inclusive excellence: marginaliseeritud gruppide noortele (erivajadused, eri sotsiaalsed klassid jne) on ka vaja rohkem tuge, mitte madalamaid standardeid. jälle logistiline paindlikkus abiks muuhulgas.
* therapist's problem - kuidas pakkuda sellist abi, mida inimene saab ka üksi edaspidises elus rakendada? mentor peab kaasa andma oskused ülejäänud eluks - mentoring for future growth. noortel tuleb aidata aru saada, et praegu õpitud tööriistad on hiljem teistes olukordades kasutatavad (nt suvelaagris uue hirmsa spordiala edukalt proovimine aitab julgeda kolledži matemaatikaloengus küsimusi küsida), nad ei pruugi ise seda seost luua.

[Tiago · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're a parent, educator, or mentor (or expect to be one), this is an obvious recommendation. I can say this book has changed how I plan to perform all of these roles in the future. It has flaws, but reading it is very net positive.

Sections I and II give great examples and explanations that back up the author's breakdown of why a certain approach to mentorship is so much more effective than the norm. Section I goes into the cognitive incompetence model and what young people crave, and section II provides useful language and frames to use if you want to push younger people to achieve what they can.

I found section III to be the weakest of the bunch, both because the book is fairly long for its substance and because it didn't feel as actionable as the previous two sections. There are interesting stories in it, though: the anecdote about how students of different ethnicities had different study practices and how that impacted their outcomes was a great reminder that there are lots of hidden factors affecting group outcomes.

Otherwise, my only gripes were with results the author didn't quantify (probably because of small effect sizes) and with the lack of any acknowledgement of deeper limitations that adults may face with young people. The book makes it seem like challenges are all a matter of approach. If you work with a diverse enough group of teens/YAs, you know there are also matters of "degree" - some people do need a lot more intervention than others. The ceiling of achievement for everyone is different. Acknowledging these challenges would make the book more effective, not less.

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will write more eventually here. For now, I will just say that I think this is an important read and be sure to check out the reflection questions for each chapter which begins after the final chapter of the book.

[Michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too many stories. Each chapter was example after example to prove the one or two sentence point. This book was way to long and could be reduced. Some interesting information but gets lost in a sea of stories.

[Jeff Murveit · Rating 1 out of 5]

Author does not have the gift of a writer. This book is ve tory boring. Also,material could have been reduced to at most half of the book.

[Bella · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love working with teenagers; they are so funny and smart and remind me, often, that seeking understanding and demonstrating care is a powerful way forward. And so I was led to Yeager's 10 TO 25 because I was eager to learn additional strategies to better support the adolescents I teach.

And on that front, the book mostly delivers. The thesis—that teenagers ultimately crave status and respect—is a useful reminder, and there were several language shifts/reframing methods that I'll employ in the future. As a matter of a personal preference, however, I found the examples oddly and annoyingly corporate. The childist in me also questions the "standards" so frequently named (What are they? Who decided them? Why?) and the guiding belief that adults (always) know best; it will take a lot more literature to convince me that's true.

[Krysia Dz · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I expected a bit more from this book. Maybe if it was titled „A power of mentor mindset in motivating young generation” my expectations would have been managed a bit better.
I did find some interesting advice here, but it’s all basically about how people dealing with teens (parents, teachers, employers) should adopt mentor mindset (HIGH expectations & HIGH support) in opposition to reinforcer mindset (HIGH expectations, LOW/NO support) or protector mindset (LOW expectations/ standards, HIGH support). Loads of good examples in the book if you are interested.

[Andy · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. Very fishy. The underlying general message is okay: to change behavior, don't just tell people what to do. My main problems with the book are:
1. the examples used are face-slappingly wrong,
2. there's a lot of hype that the author has discovered something new here,
3. the core concept doesn't seem to hold water.

Alternatives:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Getting What We Deserve: Health and Medical Care in America


Nerd addendum:
1. - A long story in the book is about the truth campaign of tobacco counter-advertising aimed at teens. Great. But truth was preceded by the California Prop 99 campaign, which used all the same concepts of counter-advertising, but did not specifically target young people. (See "I miss my lung, Bob" etc.) And Prop 99 was very successful in decreasing cigarette smoking in adults. And that's probably a great way to decrease teen smoking, since even according to the author, what teens want is to be like adults. Tobacco control is more complex than this, but the total deletion of Prop 99 from a story about cigarette counter-advertising is extraordinarily suspicious, especially because including it would undermine the argument the author is making. This kind of thing makes it hard for me to trust this author about anything he says.

2. -Ethos, Pathos, Logos, is ancient wisdom going back to Aristotle. It is nothing new that you don't persuade people with information alone.
-The 4 styles of parenting are old hat, and sound an awful lot like the 3 "mindsets" he describes.

3. -He starts with an anecdote about a medical school professor who is exasperated by residents who don't listen to his feedback on how to improve patient care. This makes no sense for the book. Residents are generally older than 25, especially in surgery (which has longer residencies). This undermines the major premise of the book-that frustrating youth behavior is about a constant feature of 10-25 year-olds, as opposed to something social that's changed over time ("kids these days"). Why is the professor flabbergasted? Presumably, because it was not necessary in the past to explain to residents why they get feedback from faculty: they get feedback so that they can learn how to avoid killing patients. Nothing is done in the book to disprove that something has changed over time in the culture of what is implicitly understood in academic medicine. And again, residents are over 25, so the whole story is pointless.

Note: As a rule, if I DNF, I don't give a star rating, but this isn't merely a question of "not my cup of tea."

[Billy Pritchard · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a solid read as a teacher professional development book over the summer. Maybe it was because it's summer, but I found I could only read 20-30 pages at a time. The vignettes and biographical stories he uses to illustrate the aspects of a "mentor mindset" are really good. At times the book is highly repetitive though. It probably could have been about 40% shorter. I think most good teachers do the things he discusses already even if we can't explain our methodology of mentoring as well as he can. It's nice to have examples of studies that back up things many of us have stumbled on intuitively over the years. Some of the takeaways will certainly influence my teaching this year and in the years to follow.

[Valerie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some solid tips that likely have universal application beyond the younger generation. Appreciate how the book weaves examples of how different roles (parents/teachers/bosses) can apply the strategies.

[Erika Derr · Rating 5 out of 5]

I want to give this book to every educator I know - excellent, clear, compelling case for mentor mindset in all work with young people, from parenting to teaching and beyond.

[Shan Burke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is phenomenal. A must read for people who work with kids, teens, and young adults!!!

[Janalee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a beast, it took me three months to read. Sadly, by the time I got toward the end of it, I'd forgotten the beginning parts that they kept referring to. Happily, I have notes that will save the day.

Ultimately, we have three mindsets: the enforcer, which is where you boss people around without explanations, and expect them to obey; the protector, where you don't expect much out of people, and you handicap them by making things too easy; and the ideal: the mentor mindset, which is where are you give people the confidence to succeed, as well as supports to help them get there.

"On the enforcer side, people worry that immature and young people could wreak havoc on society. They need accountability. They need discipline. They need standards. 'That's the price of excellence we tell ourselves, and, I'm either willing to inflict pain on people to get their very best performances or I'm not.'If that's their starting assumption, then it's obvious why an enforcer can feel like they're doing what's best for young people (and society). Unfortunately, enforcing a standard without providing support means punishing or failing young people far too often, especially the most vulnerable.
On the protector side, it can seem cruel to hold young people to standards we don't think they can meet, like we're failing fifth graders for not knowing calculus. We fear being too demanding. 'They aren't mature, we say, so it's unfair to expect too much of them. Because we care for young people, we do everything for them. I should care more about the person than their performance. ' Then we end up prioritizing self-esteem boosts rather than legitimate accomplishment. While this approach usually comes from a caring place, it doesn't push young people to grow. What's more, it can come across disrespectfully because it is rooted in a belief in young people's incompetence.
The third way, the mentor mindset, is to have high standards plus high support. Upholding high standards can help maintain order and prevent the feared descent into chaos. Simultaneously, the high levels of support convey how much we care for young people. By taking young people seriously and giving them the support they need to earn impressive reputations, we give them a route to status and respect. They get to earn prestige, which they need far more than a self-esteem puffup. Thus, we can begin to resolve the adolescent predicament. Decades of scientific research, reviewed in the following pages, show that the mentor mindset is the most effective leadership style for the broadest group of young people."

Points that struck me:

* Teens can sniff out an insulting marketing campaign. For instance, Think, Don't Smoke. This caused young people to be more likely to think smoking was cool and rebellious. They don't want to be told what to do and they don't want to feel stupid by someone telling them to THINK. Anti-bullying programs tend to increase bullying, and anti-obesity programs for young people tend to increase obesity. But why? We need to get info to teens without coming across as a threat, fear tactics or bossing. We need to view that as "resources to be cultivated rather than problems to be solved". Telling people smoking makes teeth yellow and causes cancer - things they've heard - is an affront to their autonomy and competence. Once they explored WHY teenagers smoked - what they got out of it- and talked to them, they discovered 1) smoking served as a public, visible way to declare their adult-like status. " I make decisions about my own body". So address the underlying behavior. And give them an alternative. The anti-smoking campaign strategized to attack the tobacco industry and reveal their predatory tactics that lured teens into addiction. New marketing showed the sneaky ways tobacco pushers tricked teens. Now, by not smoking, they were fighting back against injustice and protecting the vulnerable. Teen smoking dropped from 28% to 6%. Ok, now let's do that with vaping.

*Encircle: An after-school LGBTQ program for youth and their parents in SLC, UT. "No sides, only love". Kids aren't encouraged to think of their parents as monstrous bigots, Parents aren't told to abandon their religious views or review a list of gender id terms. They focus on common values and goals. Parents want their children to survive, and children prefer not to feel suicidal. They explore the source of the conflict and all that was left UNSAID (rarely from something explicitly said). Most of the time, it's discovered that parents are afraid of their kids' gender id, they just fear what it means for their child's future. and they admit to worrying that their child will grow up to be sexually promiscuous. They find the true root of their worry is that their child will never have the joy of a committed relationship and a family.

Encircle helps both sides understand each other, lower the temperature and jointly problem solve. ex: setting fair dating rules. They are an example of a mentor mindset.
__________

*The Transparent Policing Project: Officers are encouraged to get to know the community and make friends. At first, it was ineffective. Crime rates were still high. The civilian felt threatened and suspicious and on guard when approached by officers for friendly conversation. Why? It was studied by experts in humans and when they trailed the officers as they attempted the conversations, it was evident what was going wrong. The officers would approach the civilians, and in an effort to have a conversation, it came off as an interrogation. "What are you doing here? Do you live nearby? Where are you going next?" Especially if these were white officers talking to Black civilians. so obvious. The problem was easily solved by transparency. When the officers prefaced the conversation with "We are asking questions to get to know the community better" Suddenly, people were fine with talking to police officers and even were able to get problems solved. All because of stating the intention so people weren't left to wonder. This works across the board. I've heard the same reactions are felt in a church setting when you get a phone call from the executive secretary. "The stake pres/bishop wants to meet with you." If the reason was stated, it would alleviate a lot of stress.
___________

* the parent do-over: ex: "I know you yelled that you hate your brother. Although I don't want that behavior in our house, I also suspect it's coming from somewhere important. Can you help me understand what you really needed in the moment so that I can help you get it the next time?"Kids feel heard, validated and supported.

Ask instead of tell. "When we tell kids what to do, we launch a conquest and kids are left to choose either compliance or rebellion. We don't open a negotiation. We issue an ultimatum. They will do whatever they want as soon as we turn our backs possibly hurting themselves or humiliating us. Therefore, we need to negotiate a treaty that both parties can live with. Asking authentic questions is critical to this process." And you can indirectly accomplish the same goal of importing knowledge. The young person will not feel controlled, and they will be more open to our indirect suggestion. "I hear that you were desperate to be with your friends tonight, but can you explain to me why it made sense to you at the time to break the family rules to be with them?"
________
"The Sergio Trifecta: Language for Synergistic Mindsets

1. Validate and reframe: Sergio always validates where a person is coming from, why the source of their stress is legitimate. He never minimizes, he never diminishes, he never asks you to hide it away. Usually, he comes up with an external reason for your stress- for example, something that society or culture has put on you. He does that to avoid insulting young people. It also makes them open to reframing their stress. He wants them to see that the cause of their stress is not permanent and fixed. In addition, he finds a way to compliment young people so that they see the fact that they're stressed as a good sign-for example, as a sign that they care.

2. Seek to understand: Sergio never gives young people the fire-hose-spraying advice from a high-pressure hose in a way that's impossible to digest. Instead, he asks questions. He tries to figure out what they've already tried, what's not working, and what's the next step. He does that to avoid telling them to try something that already hasn't worked.

3. Offer to collaborate: Last, Sergio doesn't tell young people to go it alone. He offers to collaboratively troubleshoot, just like he does in his classroom on a physics problem."
_____

*Belonging: a good belonging story has four elements. 1) The struggle is normal. 2) change is possible 3) action steps, 4) snowball effect.

Example:

"1) Coming to UT felt like a whirlwind -exciting and confusing, all at the same time. Going to my first math and science courses, I felt pretty overwhelmed. My high school classes weren't that good, so there were certain things I didn't know how to do yet. Like I was embarrassed to admit that I'd never looked through a microscope before, so I didn't know how to use one.

2) At first, I didn't speak up in my classes because I worried what other students might think. It seemed like they knew more than me. But then I decided, I'm paying for this class so I should get the most out of it.

3)So I asked my lab mate to show me how to work the microscope and asked a friend how she took notes. I also went to my professor's office hours to get tips about how to learn and succeed in class.

4)What I know now is that college is something you learn how to do over time. If you open up and let people know what you don't understand yet, they will help you. Putting myself out there felt risky, but it really paid off in the long run."
_____

People can change. This is one of my favorites. When we believe people can change - Ourselves and others- it greatly reduces traumatic stress. For example, with Israelis and Palestinians, "when they think the other group is bad, and could never change, they endorsed aggressive counterterrorism measures. If they thought the other group could change, they felt angry, but they were open to the peace process. In the high school context, when young people believe bullies can't change, they enter a cyclone of hatred. They show a seething desire for revenge. we can reduce that outcome by conveying the possibility of change, we just make an argument that change is possible, and this proves enough to take the edge off the hatred."

It's possible to overcome shyness, or loneliness by learning to communication skills, or even just by making friends.

An experiment was done with high school students. One group got the people-can-change intervention. A control intervention taught them social problem-solving skills. A third group received no intervention. The group who believed people can change showed 40% less revenge in an online competition. The result suggests that the message of change could stop cycles of aggression and violence seen in schools. New students in high school who received the same intervention the first month when they're belonging and status were under threat learned that people can change, and they were more optimistic and resilient. The message reduces hatred and is targeted at the victims, not the bullies.

Typically, a parental reaction to their child being bullied is to vilify the bully - they tell the child that they are great, the bully is bad because they come from a bad home, and so on. decades of studying bullying causes and solutions tell us it's more complicated than being a "bad person". They don't necessarily lack social/emotional skills and have low intelligence, which is why we think they use violence to solve their problems. After analyzing data from thousands of kids who were questioned around the world, they found the truth to be far different from that stereotype.

K-6th grade - bully behaviors have a clear cause: poor self-control and executive function. They can't manage their impulses. They are seen as bullies to some, but mostly just annoying to others. They usually are affected by disorders like ADHD, Tourettes, and emotion-regulation problems that make impulse control a challenge. What they really need are social skills for making friends.

7th-12th grade - "science tells a different story". It's not so much the bully who punches the kid for his lunch money narrative. The data shows that the stronger a student's social and emotional skills, the more likely they were to be seen as a bully in school. All due to their social goals. If their main goal as to be at the top of the social hierarchy, the more they tend to bully others. the more they exclude low-status peers in the lunchroom. and they want to destroy the reputation of their staus competitors. It was discovered that those kids already ON TOP of the social hierarchy did not engage in bullying, neither did those who were on the bottom of the pile. "It was the high schoolers who came near the very top level but stopped just shy of reaching it, who were the ones who bullied others the most. They had plenty of status and respect BUT not enough. They felt insecure about keeping their mediocre place and were willing to use bullying to finally get to the top."

We need to give these bullies a different way to feel good. a different route to get respect and status. They need to learn how to attain this without causing unjust suffering to others. Explaining the behavior to students is so helpful to understanding bullies, and also explaining that they can change with new information and guidance is very helpful for victims as well. It's been proven that believing that people can change is good for mental health.
_________

Valuable info, just be ready to slog through slowly.

[Natalie · Rating 2 out of 5]

i fear this could’ve just been an empirical article

[Catherine Tielkemeier]

This book is awesome!! Many of the teachers at my school have read or are currently reading this book and we are all so inspired. The real life stories are easy to relate to and the advice and language is so practical. I've already put some of the things I've learned in the book to use in conversations with my students and their parents.

I highly recommend this book for any middle or high school teachers and also parents of kids ages 10 to 25!

[Teresa Alici · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful, a book to read and discuss with our partners so we can both understand our kids. Will add my notes soon.

The mentors dilemma- This refers to the fact that it’s very hard to simultaneously criticize someone’s work and motivate them because criticism can crush a young person’s confidence. Parents and teachers get demoralized thinking “I’ve spent all this time giving them feedback, but it was a waste. They never fixed anything”. What’s the point?”

Many people swear by the called “compliment sandwich” where you bury the criticism between two pieces of bland praise. Young people do not like the sandwich. Science tells us that when young people are being critiqued by an authority figure, they are asking themselves “Does this person that has power over my life think I am incompetent?”

This is solved by “The Wise Feedback” accompany that criticism with a clear and transparent statement about the reason they were giving feedback- namely that they believed the student could meet a high standard if they got support. This is attuned to the predicament of young people who do not want to be held to impossible standards and who also do not want to be talked down.”

When you hold young people to high standards and make it clear that you believe they can meet those standards, you are respecting them. These practices get at the heart of what it means to be a young person, struggling to carve out a place in the adult world.

Puberty starts a cascade of changes all of which are aiming toward creating adults who can contribute to their group’s survival. The cascade continues to be influential well into the mid twenties. The connective architecture of the brain 24 and still 25 is still affected by surroundings. It is not immature, it means it is still adapting to environment for their good and society’s survival.

The important change in ten-year-olds that continues to shape their motivation at least until their mid-twenties is the motivation to experience feelings of status and respect. They crave socially rewarding experiences. The onset of puberty… reproductive maturity…regulates hormones such as testosterone and estradiol- has a powerful effect on the reward-seeking regions of the brain… dopamine receptive neurons. Gives our brains cravings for experiences such as pride, admiration and respect and makes us averse to socially painful experiences such as humiliation and shame. We crave earned prestige.

When young people receive critical feedback they hear “You are not good enough, I am looking down on you”. We say one thing, they hear another fueling one of the most common forms of conflict between the generations. The status and respect hypothesis.

Example of a coach that “was ruthless in changing small details”, he asked to prove new mechanics instead of correcting the wrong ones. Asks “how does that feel?”. Says “Hey,, it is your script, not mine. You write it. I am just helping you see how to tweak it”. “I am with you for the ups, downs, and all arounds. I will not ditch you if it doesn’t work right away.” Then, and just then you can ask for a lot.

You can have high standards and high support.

In the Buddhist Monastery, the best way to gain prestige and respect is by showing compassion and kindness, compassion and empathy. Kids will discern the “cultural currency” of status and respect at home, at school, among friends. Puberty is not destructive it is instructive. It fuels people’s desire to become contributing members of the group. That is why friends will have a strong effect on them. The cultural currency of the group matters. Drinking or grades, volunteering or family wealth and brands, sports or daring activities.

Campaigns against teens smoking failed time and again. Cigarettes were the best product ever to meet teens’ need to demonstrate their competence and status. The only way it worked was with the Truth Campaign making young people feel brave and bold by fighting against the injustice of big corporations willing to get their money by making them sick. When the campaign said “Do not smoke” they could just hear an order.

In the “Incompetence Model” youngsters’ brains are incapable of weighing the future, make impulsive actions, lack prefrontal cortices which controls planning.Their brains are swimming in hormones looking for short term pleasure and avoiding pain. Even Plato talked about it by placing our pre frontal cortices as the the charioteer and our limbic system the as the unruly team of horses to be controlled.

The Incompetence model became very important and mainstream when the MacArthur Foundation Network on Adolescent Development and Juvenile Justice lobbied the Supreme Court in order to reverse the trend towards harsh and punitive sentencing for severe crimes committed by youth under eighteen, such as the death penalty or life without parole. Such sentences rested on the assumption that the adolescent brain would not continue to mature later in adulthood. The model could therefore be used for good, even though it was not the whole story.

More studies showed that the adolescent brain is hijacked by a lust for rewards to the detriment of the rational, temperate parts of the brain. In newer laboratory experiments… young people often do better at goal-directed behavior than adults, when incentive structures are right. “They’re not always deploying their prefrontal cortices in ways that adults want them to, because they’ve got different motivational priorities”. Specifically, young people value social rewards, experiences like status and respect, from both peers and adults. Once neuroscientists started experimenting with social rewards, then a far more complex pattern of evidence began to emerge. Ultimately it showed important prefrontal abilities in adolescents who were properly motivated.

What happens in the teenage brain when you’re being nagged by your parents? The regions of the brain that were associated with feeling intense emotions were on fire. The planning regions of the brain showed dramatically lower activation.

Some of the perceived teenage incompetence might result from how teens respond to our words, not from a fixed biological inability to reason. New studies started to show how the motivational, reward system networks worked together with the prefrontal, planning networks. They were talking to each other in exactly the opposite way predicted by Plato’s chariot metaphor in “Phaedrus”.

The pre frontal cortex does not teach the emotional passionate regions of the brain how to be more rational. Instead, the emotional regions serve as the teacher, and the prefrontal regions are the student. “Emotion is a learning tool”.It teaches you what to retreat from and what to approach; that’s so important in establishing that the emotions are not secondary to the reasoning parts of the brain.

Studies show that adolescents can show all the hallmarks of a mature, adult brain- planning ahead, weighing multiple options, accurately conducting complex value calculations- when it was for social rewards, such as helping others or looking good in front of a peer.

How did our ancestors survive? The single greatest threat to our daily survival, and to your potential to ever have children, was to be disrespected and excluded from the group. The group would only keep valuable contributors around. What looks like a problem of neurobiological incompetence is in fact a question of motivational prioritization: Protect their immediate social status.

If the information they get from adults threatens their social survival by robbing them of the status and respect they crave, they will likely tune it out. As your body starts preparing to develop sexual maturity, it pumps testosterone which triggers an amplification of the salience of gaining social value. It makes it extra thrilling and extra intense when you are admired, respected and loved. And it’s extra painful when you’re diminished and disrespected.

Adolescent Predicament- The mismatch between young people’s neurobiological needs for status or respect and the level of status and respect afforded to them by their current circumstances.It can last well into the twenties, even after puberty is done because our society with its need for advanced technical skills, keeps young people in a holding pattern for very long. Ready to reproduce at 13 but with a job that pays at around 26. That is a long time to be waiting for respect. Because of this predicament, it is possible for over twenties to still choose immaturely.

Four principles are: 1/ Ask don’t tell. Adults are asked, kids are told. 2/ Find ways to honor their status pointing their competence. Speaking respectfully means avoiding an I-know-better-than-you-attitude. As much as you know, you are not him. 3/ Validate whatever negative experiences they have. Treat their feelings as real and legitimate.4/ Presume agency. Acknowledge that the young person can make up their own mind.

Testosterone is just something that makes people more sensitive to respect.

[Tanya · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received a digital copy of 10 to 25 from netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

I read the book from the perspective of a parent of young adults, and of someone working a public-facing job who encounters and works with people of this age on a fairly regular basis.

I found the information in this book to be somewhat helpful and applicable for both my professional life as well as my home life. Particularly useful were the chapters introducing mentorship and on stress (interesting about use of AI and wearables - very up-to-date.)

While the many case studies were interesting, as a whole I found the book to be a tad bit exhaustive and repetitive and it was difficult to get through the entire book.
I feel that it could have been trimmed a lot and still have the points shine through. I personally would have liked more of the lists formatted as lists and not merely in paragraph form. That would make it a little easier to find and refer back to.

I think this book would be most helpful for managers, teachers, and police officers. It was a little too extensive for me as a parent, but it might be more helpful for someone in a different situation/application.

There were also several typos, but given that this was not the final version, I would assume that those will be corrected before publication.

[Whitney · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish this was required reading for everyone working with kids/young adults. Amazing insights and excellent research combined with personal experiences to make an engaging read.

[Spencer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wasn’t sure about this at first, and while it does go over some well-trodden roads, it has a good framework to communicate successfully with 10-25 year olds—or nearly anyone, really.

First off, he stresses that kids in this age group value status and respect, and shows that nearly any attempt to persuade them about anything that doesn’t address, buy into that central fact—especially if it’s something they do not naturally want to do—will be doomed to failure.

So, the most important part, though, for him, is to adopt a “mentor mindset,” which is like the happy medium between wanting to protect them from the hard things in life and wanting to expose them to those hard things to help them grow (i.e. being a soft, friendly teacher/parent or a hard/demanding one) which are both rooted in the idea that children are characterized by a deficit. The author doesn’t buy into that, but sees children as full of capability and possibility and in need of “mentoring” which combines the high expectations of the demanding figure but adds the support of the soft/friendly authority figure. (These all align with authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive parenting styles, but his framework was easier to wrap my head around in terms of what it looks like.)

Next, he offers a lot of communication strategies for those who want to be mentors to children and help them come to their own conclusions and find answers together rather than force them on as an authoritarian figure (or enforcer as he calls it) or just not worry about their growth and development as a “protector” figure would.

Good stuff.

[Arushi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is exceptional -- an absolute must-read for any adult who works with or has young people in their lives. It is chock full of important lessons that are grounded in cultivating a mutual respect with young people and positioning them as contributors, not detractors. Reading and internalizing the book requires you to go through the exercises to identify and modify your own belief systems.

I've already seen how quickly these changes have improved my communication with teenagers, especially high-school and middle-schoolers. 10/10 recommend to anyone looking to develop genuine, impactful connections with the younger generations.

[Sara Temba · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 🌟 but I'll round up because it's got really good ideas and advice. The premise is basically people this age want status and respect. They'll work hard if it's something that can bring these things. They want to be challenged but also need mentorship and support. A lot about protector vs enforcer vs mentor. WISE feedback model. Anyway, I marked a lot of the ideas and wrote them down because they were really helpful. Stars deducted because he kind of drones on at the end about all his research and studies so he could have shaved off a few chapters and made the book a little shorter and less bloated.

[Peter Krol · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really helpful explanation of something I've noticed for a long time: Every generation seems to not know what to do with the generation gap. Today is not the first time older folks have complained about younger folks for their failure to ________ (fill in the blank). Yeager provides a careful rationale for why this is and what we can do about it.

Sadly, the book is caught up in the spirit of the current age, with its lack of a moral center in issues of identity and lifestyle. But with that said, the "mentor mindset" proposed here proves quite a satisfying ancient solution to our modern situation.

[John Stepper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. Full of practical, insightful tools for better communications with young people (or any people really). More engaging, more empowering, more productive communications, with less stress and drama.

He writes, “I am often skeptical of parenting experts” and I was skeptical of this book at first. But it’s solidly researched and avoid oversimplifying or overstating the findings.

I’ve already applied some of the ideas in working with my son and it’s led to better outcomes. That’s well worth 5 stars!

[Michael Jeandron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative. The author builds on a strategy commonly taught in basic education classes (authoritative teaching as opposed to authoritarian, permissive, neglectful). He abstracts these ideas to apply to parenting and managing as well as teaching. He gives lots of anecdotal evidence for the efficacy of this teaching style but is sometimes lacking in concrete examples for applying these ideas, despite the section in the back of the book on applying them. Overall, it's a good read and recommended for new teachers, parents, or managers of people in this age range.

[Ryan Work · Rating 3 out of 5]

10 to 25 goes through various studies and conclusions regarding how to motivate teens and young adults. The ideas make sense but it is worth spelling them out. My big take away was that you can still have high expectations but it has to coincide with providing support. Some of the early stories were interesting such as failed teen drug programs and issues with kids taking medicine after kidney transplants. By the end, I was getting a little burned out on the case studies.

[Pam · Rating 4 out of 5]

While it does say “the science behind..” in the title, it still felt like there were too many case studies and statistics to back up this authors point.
He does have good and helpful points! As a leader who seeks to see, inspire, and support young people this book was very insightful. I actually tried one of the methods on my daughter and it seems to have crack open a sense of affirmation and trust that I am in fact her advocate and cheerleader. Leader should learn from these practices of mentorship!

[Esther Hopkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

I definitely enjoyed the ending of this book more than the first half. The book began by saying how everyone does it wrong and then seemed to say the same thing every other teaching book says.

However, further in, I really found some helpful tidbits, especially chapter 12 that have the examples of working with minority students and their college success rate.