Raised by Narcissists: How to Handle Your Difficult, Toxic and Abusive Parents

by Sarah Davies

We can't choose our parents.
But we can choose how we deal with them.

In Raised By Narcissists, counselling psychologist Dr Sarah Davies offers practical, realistic advice on how to heal from the trauma and toxicity of a narcissistic parent. Drawing on case studies from her own practice, as well as her personal experience, Raised by Narcissists will teach you how

- Recognise narcissistic behaviour in your upbringing and how it has impacted you
- Identify the roles your narcissistic parent created in your family, including The Golden Child, The Black Sheep and The Enabler
- Manage communication and boundaries with a narcissistic parent
- Combat negative self-beliefs stemming from narcissism
- Develop strategies for healing and self-care

Having a narcissistic parent can create long lasting effects on our self-esteem, confidence and subsequent relationships. Raised By Narcissists will teach you to acknowledge and begin to heal from the difficult experience of narcissistic parental abuse, reclaim your experience and move on to build a better future.

Genres: Self Help, Audiobook, Nonfiction

320 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 19, 2024

About the author

Dr. Sarah Davies is a Chartered Counselling Psychologist and Trauma Therapist. She has worked in mental health since 2007. With a background in general mental health and training in a range of psychological therapies, she has specialised in treating Narcissistic Abuse, Codependency, Stress, Anxiety and Trauma since 2013. Dr. Sarah is passionate about providing a holistic, practical and pragmatic approach to mental health and emotional wellbeing. She has a successful private practice based on Harley Street, London, England. You can find out more at: www.drsarahdavies.com

Reviews

[Rainbow Goth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book deeply emotional and truly eye-opening. I’ve long struggled to recognise and accept my own childhood trauma and the impact it has had on my adult life.

The descriptions of trauma triangles were particularly helpful in understanding how I can manage the challenges within my family life and the constant guilt I feel.

Dr Sarah Davies is an exceptional writer. She tackles this difficult topic in a way that is both easy to follow and deeply compassionate. Her empathy shines through, and I believe it’s because she has experienced similar struggles herself.

I also appreciated the reflections at the end of each chapter. They provided space for the key points to really sink in and offered practical ways to apply the information to my own life. I plan to reread the book in a journal so I can write these reflections down.

The chapters on parenting and advice for friends and loved ones were particularly useful. I’m planning to ask my husband to read them as well.

When I write reviews, I always try to find something that could be improved to keep things fair and well-rounded, but honestly, I struggled to find any faults with this book.

I just want to thank the author for writing this. She addresses such emotive topics in an incredibly empathetic way, without adding to the trauma. I also really appreciated her willingness to share her own childhood experiences, especially in the final chapters.


*Thank you to the Author, publishers and NetGalley for an ALC of this book - all views in this review are my own*

[Cory Wiedmann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Continued from my 75% progress update… I’d like to posit a theory that unfunny people say that funny people use humor as a “defense mechanism” or “coping mechanism” or that funny people are deeply insecure and humor is a way to mask their insecurity as a dig because they’re jealous. It is in fact unfunny people that are insecure about their lack of sense of humor. Anyway, back to the book. I thought it had some good insight. I actually think this would be a decent book for someone that is friends with or partners with a person that was raised by narcissistic parent(s). It would help those people understand why their friend or partner is the way they are. I felt like a lot of the “recovery” section and suggested actions and behaviors were either unrealistic or didn’t address the root of the problem. Hence, the removal of some stars. If GoodReads had half stars I’d give it 3.5 stars but it’s closer to 3 than to 4 for me.

[Tamzin · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has given me a lot to think about given that I have no contact with my narcissistic parent. But if I do decide to have contact, Dr. sarah Davies has given me a way to cope and make sure I have given myself to breathe. The book has also made me release how I felt when I was growing up and gave a few idea for coping mechanisms for dealing with these feeling when they come up or to thinking through these. I will admit it it a hard book to listen to because it's admitting you're aware and may be broken, but Dr. Davies helps you deal with this. I have also found it good that her herself have gone through the same experience and used that power to help others.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my word. I am so grateful to have found this book, and have now bought a copy for my siblings too. Having grown up with an emotional and psychologically abusive father, reading this book has been eye opening, as the listed traits of a narcissistic parent matches him to perfection. The positions the children pick up also struck a chord. I am grateful for the insights given, but also the self healing tools provided. I love the knowledge that my childhood learned traits can be self healed. I am also optimistic that my siblings will find similar healing.

[Ophelia · Rating 5 out of 5]

If a single part of you is curious about this book then it is probably one you should read/listen to.
I saw this title and wondered if this could answer some of my questions. It did and so much more. Discussing this book is very personal and I do not feel comfortable discussing it in public at this time, but this book is an absolute treasure. Thank you, Sarah Davies and the publishing team.

[Nutkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal self help book which I have found relevant and helpful in recognising things that I have grown up with. Easy to read and understand and I cannot recommend highly enough.

[Miri Ingold-Lacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book, filled with knowledge and guidance for healing. I strongly recommended it to my therapist.

[Dee Hancocks · Rating 5 out of 5]

These types of books should be made mandatory reading. This is a great insight into narcissism and how it can impact upon different generations. The author is able to make the material accessible and supportive all in one. There is no lecturing or opinions shared, instead every chapter expands on the next to allow for the reader/lister to think for themselves. The author also shares personal examples, there is no oversharing, it’s very relevant to show others they are not alone and to apply the knowledge to real circumstances, which is so important. Even if you don’t have a parent that’s a narcissist I think having the awareness of others experiences would make for interesting and enlightening reading. Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for an ARC. This is a voluntary review of my own thoughts.

[Pacia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dobrze skondensowana wiedza o narcyzmie, skupiona oczywiscie na rodzicach i relacjach z nimi. Osoba, ktora nie wie nic ma temat zaburzenia jak i osoba, ktora wie duzo, znajdzie tu przydatne informacje. 7/10

[Steph Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a truly incredible book. Absolutely brilliant! Set out in such a readable and absorbable format and packed full of great insights and wisdoms as well as really workable and practical ways to deal with narcissistic parents and most importantly care for yourself. Highly recommend this for anyone dealing with narcissistic parents. And particularly grateful for the “permission” and understanding that often it has to be removing contact in order to look after yourself.

[Дарина Димитрова · Rating 4 out of 5]

📖 “В сянката на нарцисиста: как да разпознаем нарцисистите и да поставим граници” - Сара Дейвис 📖

📖 Нека започнем с това, че преди да се титулова като родител, всеки е на първо място човек. Ако личността е травмирана и патологична, такъв е и родителят, в чиято роля влиза, когато стане такъв. Затова винаги може званието да се замени с индивид в идеологията на текста. Човекът, ставайки родител, не се превръща автоматично в някого другиго, а продължава да е такъв, какъвто е.

🫠 Дълго и болезнено, но изцелително пътуване към себе си. Може би това бих избрала като най-подходящо определение, описание и кратко представяне на тази книга. Авторката е един от водещите експерти по нарцисизъм, според The Times, а от всичко, което ни споделя, ще усетим още в началото, че е и жертва на същия.

📖 Трудът ѝ в настоящото четиво е фокусиран върху проявлението на диагнозата в семейната среда и по-конкретно - израстването с родител/и нарцисисти. Въпреки това обаче, ако се окаже, че сте сред късметлиите, които не се нуждаят от помощ по темата заради детството си, може да получите безценни съвети и средства за справяне с такъв тип поведение от страна на трети лица извън най-близкия ви кръг. Защото е силно вероятно, докато четете, дори да оценявате до каква степен проявявате и притежавате някои от нарцистичните характеристики. Поне аз го правех. А още по-сигурно е, че ще проумеете колко много от заобикалящия ви свят, действително страда от същото.

🫠 Както ще ни затвърди и заглавието след прочита, лечението започва с осъзнаване, признаване и приемане. Да разберем, че действително сме отгледани от такива хора, а дай Боже, ако самите ние сме, че това е така. Второто е далеч по-трудно и дори може би граничещо с невъзможното. Подобно на по-тежките форми на душевна и психическа нездравост, при този модел на поведение също липса умение за съпреживяване.

📖 Най-общо казано, нарцисизмът е отявлен и безграничен свръх егоизъм, но паралелно с това е и личностно разстройство, окачествяващо се с още много и различни привички.

🫠 Книгата е разделена в четири смислови части, като първите и доста солидни по обем са подробен и задълбочен анализ на проявленията. Точно там ще се запознаем с диагнозата и ще имаме възможност да проумеем дали сме я срещали така отблизо. Всеки отделен фрагмент завършва с въпроси, с които още по-категорично да се ориентираме в света на нарцисиста. Авторката дори ни препоръчва да си водим записки; да четем бавно и да вникваме, за да обмисляме и осъзнаваме. Следват редица практически примери от живота на реални хора, както и упражнения, водещи до конкретни решения за справяне с проблема.

📖 Това е поредна много въздействаща, полезна и висококачествено написана нехудожествена литература, която чета тази година. Горещо препоръчвам на всеки, който има дори минимални съмнения, че е отгледан от такива хора, както и на онези, които искат да опознаят личностното разстройство в дълбочина, за да се предпазват от него при сблъсък. Процесът на лечение на нанесените зловредности и травми е дълъг, но не е невъзможен. Упоменати са и подходящи терапии, в случай на необходимост и невъзможност за самостоятелно справяне.

💜 Благодаря от все сърце на прекрасните и любими “Асеневци”, че избират да разпространяват такива полезни източници на помощ, както и че ми дадоха възможност да работя със себе си!

Страници: 302
Оригинално заглавие: RAISED BY NARCISSISTS: How to Handle Your Difficult, Toxic and Abusive Parents, 2024
Превод: Моника Георгиева, 2026
Редактор: Криста Янинска
Отг. реактор: Кристина Петрова
Корица: Anthe studio
Издател: “Асеневци”, 2026

Цитати от книгата:

"Историята на Нарцис и Ехо улавя същността на съвременните нарцистични взаимоотношения. Това е обсебващо преследване на недостижимия вид любов: Нарцис е погълнат и обсебен от себе ти и от собствения си образ, и е напълно неспособен да забележи или оцени околните; Ехо се фокусира толкова много върху Нарцис и опитите си той да я забележи, че накрая загубва напълно своята идентичност. Разбирането на мита за Нарцис и Ехо ни дава възможност да разберем пълната безсмисленост на отношенията с един нездрав, недостъпен или напълно погълнат от себе си родител.
Нарцистичният родител не може да осигури онзи вид любов, която детето желае и заслужава. Подобно на Нарцис, той винаги ще бъде твърде загрижен единствено и само за себе си, прекалено вглъбен в стремежа си да служи на своята личност, за да се погрижи за някого другиго, камо ли да му предложи истинска обич или внимание. Емоционално дистанцираният родител не би могъл да ни обича по начина, по който ние бихме искали да ни обичат и със сигурност не може да го направи по здравословен, смислен или автентичен начин. И в това се състои истинската съвременна трагедия.”

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"Нарцистичната личност е свързана с вид разстройство, при което личността е основно фокусирана и фиксирана върху самата себе си - върху собствената си значимост, както и върху задоволяването на личните си желания и нужди. Клиничният нарцисизъм по същество е патологичен егоизъм в крайна форма.”

"От друга страна, нарцистичните черти биха могли да се проявят и в резултат на прекомерна, снизходителна и неподходяща обратна връзка от страна на родителя, когато той изтъква уменията или способностите, личността или външния вид на детето далеч отвъд здравословното и балансирано състояние на нещата. Примери в това отношение са постоянно правене на комплименти, преувеличаването или надценяването на уменията или способностите на детето, неговата красота, сила, статус, постижения или потенциал.”

“Формирането на нарцистичната личност обикновено се определя от много ранна възраст и е свързано със значителна злоупотреба или пренебрегване, или с крайности във възпитанието. Нарцисизмът се
определя от липсата на емпатия.
Нарцистичните хора не изпитват вина или разкаяние по начина, по който това се случва при другите хора. Част от основните характеристики на нарцисизма включват арогантност, силно чувство за право и превъзходство, ревност и завист, както и патологична нужда от възхищение и внимание. Въпреки това, поради мащабността на нарцисизма, нарцистичните
родители могат да проявяват всички тези черти или само някои от тях и в различна степен.”

“Ето защо един от често срещаните симптоми при порасналите деца на нарцистични родители е тяхното усещане, че са виновни за всичко. Убеждението, че не сте достатъчно добри в много области на живота, например не съм достатъчно строен/привлекателен/умен/достатъчно успешен, също е често срещано негативно основно убеждение при вече зрели хора, които са имали нарцистични родители.”

“В очите на вечно търсещия съвършенство (без самият той изобщо да е съвършен) токсичен родител, нищо, което вие или някой друг би направил, никога няма да е достатъчно добро.”

“Съществена част от възстановяването и преодоляването на злоупотребата е преди всичко да признаете и приемете, че тя наистина е съществувала или че продължава да се случва. Твърде често, особено когато сме израснали в дисфункционално семейство, ние се намираме на различни етапи на отричане, омаловажаване или дори оправдание на насилието.”

“Похвалите и критиките не зависят от характера, способностите или действията на детето, а са свързани по-скоро с това kak тези позиции помагат за задоволяване на нуждите на егоистичния родител.”

“Не можете да промените токсичния родител, но можете да промените начина, по който да се справите с неговата личност.”

“Грижата за себе си е свързана с това да разберете kak се чувствате, да определите какво uckame u om какво ce нуждаете u да реагирате на това по подходящ начин и с любов.”

[Hannah ZR · Rating 5 out of 5]

It really weaves together every pattern, tactic, technique, and behavior used by narcissistic toxic parents and how the eventually begins to affect a person in their adulthood as well as their relationships.
It has been very eye opening for me to see my folks for who they truly are and why I feel drained, confused and guilty after interacting with them. Some chapters I had to read 2-3 times and let my feelings simmer and process what I read.

[Hasina Begum · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend this book- it was a brilliant read and very interesting. I really liked how it was easy to understand and I’ve learnt so much. I sometimes struggle with these types of books but the title caught my attention and I’m glad it did. I was engaged from beginning to end and really liked the case study examples.

I will be checking out other books by Dr Sarah Davies.

[Bookworm · Rating 4 out of 5]

I spotted this at the library and thought it would be a good read. I've read other books on this topic and thought this would be another good addition to my reading list. It is what it says on the cover: how to recognize this, what roles you create in response, ways of communicating with said parents, and how to find ways to cope and heal.

If you've ever dealt with this or know someone who has, this will be very familiar to you from the behaviors to attitudes, etc. Some of it will be painful, but a lot of it is generally informative. Even if you "know" that your parent(s) are narcissists, it can still be useful to see it named or through the eyes of the author.

Also useful were the tips for coping. I appreciated that there was a range of paths to take: from no contact to minimal to how to carefully navigate if you can't reduce contact for whatever reason. And no single approach is the "right" one, which I appreciated. I also liked the various prompts and ideas Davies has as examples you can take.

Overall it was useful, but definitely for someone who might be new or not realize what it is they've been dealing with. That is not a negative necessarily, but if you're looking for something a little more advanced or in-depth if you've already explored this or need something that's 201 (vs 101) this may not be for you.

A good purchase if you need to with with the content or read on your own time as a reference. Library borrow was best for me.

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

For me this book was an emotional listen. I only wish that I had had this book several years ago. Two years ago. I escaped from a toxic and narcissistic relationship. I myself have had to go through a period of grief reevaluation and learning.

That made me then think about the effects that the relationship, had had upon my children. Sarah Davies has written this book as if she was explaining my life. It’s given me a greater understanding into what my children have experienced in their childhood.. I feel so emotional that I let my children go through this.

Having read this book, my children and I are now able to open up meaningful conversations as to what we went through how we felt and how we are going to move forward from this. Positive notice our relationships with each other have never been better but read this book. I realise there may be deeper issues we still haven’t touched up.

This is not a book to be sat in Read in one sitting. It is best reading a couple of chapters and digesting what it is that you have read and put into the content .

To the author, my grateful thanks for this book.

[Esraa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best psychology books I have ever read. I have invested countless hours reading books on narcissism, listening to podcasts, and watching lectures, yet nothing has come close to the impact of this book.
It is exceptionally well organized, making it easy for readers to follow, process, and work through their emotions as they progress. What impressed me most is that it helped me recognize and understand things I had never fully grasped before—something truly remarkable given how extensively I have studied narcissism.
I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has dealt with narcissistic parents or family members. It offers not only knowledge and insight but also genuine emotional healing. In many ways, it felt like attending multiple therapy sessions condensed into a single book.

[Tiff Kuk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book, felt like I could relate to a lot of what she was talking about but I don’t feel like I learned anything that I didn’t already know.

[readkrautread · Rating 4 out of 5]

More good reading to set me on a path of freedom from my mother.

[Charlotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was honestly a bit of a wild ride for me 🙃

[Bader Al Refai · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good content, advice, and stimulus for introspection. My only problem is that I feel like the book could've been a little shorter but there's a good chance that's just me.