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Ending the Pursuit: Asexuality, Aromanticism and Agender Identity
Powerfully persuasive and thought-provoking, Ending the Pursuit asks us to reimagine sexuality, romance and gender without the borders imposed by society.
How did asexual identity form? What is aromanticism? How does agender identity function? Researcher and writer Michael Paramo explores these misunderstood experiences, from the complex challenge of coming out to navigating the western lens of attraction. Expertly mapping their history, Paramo traces the emergence of vital online communities to the origins of the Victorian binaries that still restrict us today.
With a groundbreaking blend of memoir and poetry, online articles and discussions, Ending the Pursuit is a much-needed addition to the cultural conversation. It encourages us to end the search for ‘normalcy’ and gives voice to an often-misunderstood community.
'Important . . . Paramo refuses to take for granted the normalized ideas we are fed around how relationships should work and what they should look like' Dr. Ela Przybyło, Illinois State University
How did asexual identity form? What is aromanticism? How does agender identity function? Researcher and writer Michael Paramo explores these misunderstood experiences, from the complex challenge of coming out to navigating the western lens of attraction. Expertly mapping their history, Paramo traces the emergence of vital online communities to the origins of the Victorian binaries that still restrict us today.
With a groundbreaking blend of memoir and poetry, online articles and discussions, Ending the Pursuit is a much-needed addition to the cultural conversation. It encourages us to end the search for ‘normalcy’ and gives voice to an often-misunderstood community.
'Important . . . Paramo refuses to take for granted the normalized ideas we are fed around how relationships should work and what they should look like' Dr. Ela Przybyło, Illinois State University
256 pages, Paperback
Published September 3, 2024
17 people are currently reading
562 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 36 reviews
June 3, 2024
my only criticism of this book would be that i wish the theme of agender identity had been more explored, though the last chapter explains the author's reasoning for "choosing" such a label in our colonial world, and the history that has caused that label to be born, it falls short in comparison to the chapters dedicated to asexuality and aromanticism.
still, i loved this book, it allowed me to make peace with certain "contradictions" in my existence as an aroace person and really helped me better understand not only myself but the world around me.
a very necessary read, not just for people in the spectrum, but really for everyone, to help us untangle our feelings of selfworth and belonging in an individual and "ordered" colonial world.
still, i loved this book, it allowed me to make peace with certain "contradictions" in my existence as an aroace person and really helped me better understand not only myself but the world around me.
a very necessary read, not just for people in the spectrum, but really for everyone, to help us untangle our feelings of selfworth and belonging in an individual and "ordered" colonial world.
February 22, 2024
perspektywa braku z perspektywy kolonialnej, jak możemy zdekolonializować miłość, płeć, tożsamość? Nie daje odpowiedzi, ale sugeruje, prowadzi, zagląda w przeszłość i pozwala zarysować przyszłość, jest informatywnie, ale przede wszystkim pięknie i poetycko, momentami nie wybrzmiewa, bywa nierówno i trochę mi zabrakło w niektórych częściach, ale ta forma to wspaniała niespodzianka
June 14, 2025
Pretty sure a fair bit went over my head, as this is the first work of its kind I've read, regarding Asexuality, Agender, and Aromanticism.
Quite illuminating, particularly how gender as a social and rigid binary construct only appeared less than 1000 years ago. Also how romantic love was entangled with racism and justification for genocide (big yikes).
I read the word cisheteropatriarchy enough times that I'm pretty sure it will pop into my head at random from now on, like a curse. Which is appropriate, because the cisheteropatriarchy is a curse, as is the fallout of living in a modern colonial world where the **West** has positioned itself as the arbiter of standards, and how it serves to enforce individualism through strict matrices, because the alternative threatens them:community, and the strength of it. Gender, like all social constructs, is flawed. Humanity and nature just can't fit into enough boxes, no matter how many may be invented. So, in summary: down with the cisheteropatriarchy.
4 out of 5 stars
Quite illuminating, particularly how gender as a social and rigid binary construct only appeared less than 1000 years ago. Also how romantic love was entangled with racism and justification for genocide (big yikes).
I read the word cisheteropatriarchy enough times that I'm pretty sure it will pop into my head at random from now on, like a curse. Which is appropriate, because the cisheteropatriarchy is a curse, as is the fallout of living in a modern colonial world where the **West** has positioned itself as the arbiter of standards, and how it serves to enforce individualism through strict matrices, because the alternative threatens them:community, and the strength of it. Gender, like all social constructs, is flawed. Humanity and nature just can't fit into enough boxes, no matter how many may be invented. So, in summary: down with the cisheteropatriarchy.
4 out of 5 stars
May 14, 2024
The first couple of chapters have been very informative in providing definitions and examples of ace experiences within the constraints of contemporary Western society. I marked up quite few pages that emotionally resonated.
However, the book could have used more editing input to substantiate its arguments. This particularly applies to the Aromantic chapter, where Paramo seems to present quite a muddled and USA centric take on Victorian Romantic influences and their impact on the colonised societies. Although he mentions ciscolonialpatriarchy on pretty much every other page, he does not actually provide a definition of what that word means - globally. The biggest irony of Western obsession with making amends and acknowledging colonialism is the suppression/omission of any other cultural experience.
Firstly, colonialism began much earlier than the 19th Century, so the timeline of Romantic revival (revival being a key word here, since Paramo seems to present the notion as newly invented by the Victorian sexologists) is a fallacy. Secondly, although he references many authors, including Plato, these seem to be selected on a confirmation bias strategy, rather than provide a broader historic mapping. Since this is a fairly short book, a broad overview of romanticism throughout ages would have been much more appropriate. In any case, in Plato’s Symposium, there is a joking tale made by Aristophanes about one gender being split into men and women, and then eternally seeking THEIR OTHER HALF. Paramo seems to ignore this and present an argument where apparently Greeks did not understand the idea of romantic love or marital conventions. I could really write pages and pages on this subject but will only mention that the most iconic medieval epics (Le Morte D’Arthur, Sir Walter Scott’s works, or even Don Quixote) as being entirely about the romantic ideal.
Finally, in talking about colonial civilisation, he somehow omitted the Enlightenment movement, which provided key justification for the dominance of ‘civilised man’, that is, rationality of mind acting in opposition to feelings, equating the latter with ‘the weaker sex’. I am therefore rather baffled over his statement that the Romantic adoration of women was a key argument for genocide of natives who did not conform to traditional marriage models. Besides, the colonial narrative varied community to community, and in most instances was a massive resource and land grabbing exercise.
Incidentally, his opinion pieces are still interesting and relevant (such as ideas on love hierarchy and splitting – ‘our relational needs are multifaceted’) but I wish the ‘research’ part aligned to make this more convincing to people who do not identify on the A spectrum.
However, the book could have used more editing input to substantiate its arguments. This particularly applies to the Aromantic chapter, where Paramo seems to present quite a muddled and USA centric take on Victorian Romantic influences and their impact on the colonised societies. Although he mentions ciscolonialpatriarchy on pretty much every other page, he does not actually provide a definition of what that word means - globally. The biggest irony of Western obsession with making amends and acknowledging colonialism is the suppression/omission of any other cultural experience.
Firstly, colonialism began much earlier than the 19th Century, so the timeline of Romantic revival (revival being a key word here, since Paramo seems to present the notion as newly invented by the Victorian sexologists) is a fallacy. Secondly, although he references many authors, including Plato, these seem to be selected on a confirmation bias strategy, rather than provide a broader historic mapping. Since this is a fairly short book, a broad overview of romanticism throughout ages would have been much more appropriate. In any case, in Plato’s Symposium, there is a joking tale made by Aristophanes about one gender being split into men and women, and then eternally seeking THEIR OTHER HALF. Paramo seems to ignore this and present an argument where apparently Greeks did not understand the idea of romantic love or marital conventions. I could really write pages and pages on this subject but will only mention that the most iconic medieval epics (Le Morte D’Arthur, Sir Walter Scott’s works, or even Don Quixote) as being entirely about the romantic ideal.
Finally, in talking about colonial civilisation, he somehow omitted the Enlightenment movement, which provided key justification for the dominance of ‘civilised man’, that is, rationality of mind acting in opposition to feelings, equating the latter with ‘the weaker sex’. I am therefore rather baffled over his statement that the Romantic adoration of women was a key argument for genocide of natives who did not conform to traditional marriage models. Besides, the colonial narrative varied community to community, and in most instances was a massive resource and land grabbing exercise.
Incidentally, his opinion pieces are still interesting and relevant (such as ideas on love hierarchy and splitting – ‘our relational needs are multifaceted’) but I wish the ‘research’ part aligned to make this more convincing to people who do not identify on the A spectrum.
unread-nonfiction
December 18, 2025February 2024: I got the book! And my name is in the front in the list of sponsors :)
July 29, 2024
Received from Edelweiss, thanks!
This book was really fantastic. Though, not overly accessible. It uses quite academic language and while I wouldn’t say it was a difficult read, it certainly wasn’t an easy read. If you’re familiar and comfortable with terms such as the cisheteropatriarchy, settler colonialism, decolonization, this may be the book for you.
What I found really fascinating with the book is how the author makes these really compelling connections between the cisheteropatriarchy and colonization. It looked really closely at the separatization of self and how that is a direct result of colonization and capitalism. And in decolonizing attraction, love, and gender, we open ourselves up to all sorts of other possibilities outside of the cisheteropatriarchy.
I feel like I want to write an essay about this book, but also feel like I spent most of the time I was reading just barely grasping the content, so I think I’m going to end here. I absolutely recommend this book, just know that it won’t be an easy read.
This book was really fantastic. Though, not overly accessible. It uses quite academic language and while I wouldn’t say it was a difficult read, it certainly wasn’t an easy read. If you’re familiar and comfortable with terms such as the cisheteropatriarchy, settler colonialism, decolonization, this may be the book for you.
What I found really fascinating with the book is how the author makes these really compelling connections between the cisheteropatriarchy and colonization. It looked really closely at the separatization of self and how that is a direct result of colonization and capitalism. And in decolonizing attraction, love, and gender, we open ourselves up to all sorts of other possibilities outside of the cisheteropatriarchy.
I feel like I want to write an essay about this book, but also feel like I spent most of the time I was reading just barely grasping the content, so I think I’m going to end here. I absolutely recommend this book, just know that it won’t be an easy read.
September 3, 2025
A more spiritual (philosophical?) approach to asexuality, in comparison to 'Ace' by Angela Chen.
The first few chapters were analytical, discussing the Western view of sexuality, and how this approach can be decolonised. The writing was engaging and really made me consider how our contemporary thought and environments are formed. The idea of labels feels so boxy and it's refreshing to read a similar perspective - the purpose of these labels almost feel like an act of conformity, to assign people roles in society which they otherwise don't really align with. A lot can also be said of decoupling associations of love, sex and relationships. Really important (to me at least) to remember how these don't have to be so implicitly linked as society often suggests. My mind always comes back to the term queer platonic relationship (which I came across in Angela Chen's book), which whilst is a label, really expanded my mind of how allonormativity really shouldn't be thought of as the norm.
I wish this book were longer though, it could have covered a greater variety of viewpoints other than the author and a Victorian sexologist. It was very strange hearing the author discuss their experiences before jumping to a medical Victorian perspective.
The poetry was a bit jarring towards the end - I appreciate the intent of the author, but it felt like they were trying to imprint themselves too much in the book. The earlier chapters where they talked about their experience alongside an analysis of their points felt more coherent. This feeling of the author's imprint unfortunately carried on into the agender chapter. In comparison to the previous essays, this chapter felt very sparse.
Nonetheless, it was an insightful read. Especially important considering the subject matter, one that I always struggle to find books on.
The first few chapters were analytical, discussing the Western view of sexuality, and how this approach can be decolonised. The writing was engaging and really made me consider how our contemporary thought and environments are formed. The idea of labels feels so boxy and it's refreshing to read a similar perspective - the purpose of these labels almost feel like an act of conformity, to assign people roles in society which they otherwise don't really align with. A lot can also be said of decoupling associations of love, sex and relationships. Really important (to me at least) to remember how these don't have to be so implicitly linked as society often suggests. My mind always comes back to the term queer platonic relationship (which I came across in Angela Chen's book), which whilst is a label, really expanded my mind of how allonormativity really shouldn't be thought of as the norm.
I wish this book were longer though, it could have covered a greater variety of viewpoints other than the author and a Victorian sexologist. It was very strange hearing the author discuss their experiences before jumping to a medical Victorian perspective.
The poetry was a bit jarring towards the end - I appreciate the intent of the author, but it felt like they were trying to imprint themselves too much in the book. The earlier chapters where they talked about their experience alongside an analysis of their points felt more coherent. This feeling of the author's imprint unfortunately carried on into the agender chapter. In comparison to the previous essays, this chapter felt very sparse.
Nonetheless, it was an insightful read. Especially important considering the subject matter, one that I always struggle to find books on.
December 15, 2024
Well, I probably could have gone without reading that one. A big part of it was stuff I already read in lots of other books about asexuality (e.g. the discriminatory remarks aces, aros and agender people might be facing). I'm also not sure if I agree to everything the author said (e.g. if there really is a connection between asexuality and the issues brought up - and the whole quazar thing seemed to spiritual for my tastes) and I found the inclusion of the poetry in between the rest of the text rather weird, to say the least. (Also, I didn't like the poetry at all, but that's more of a matter of personal taste.)
Having said all that, the chapter about the development of the meaning of the term "asexuality" was pretty eye-opening. With today's centralised approach it's very easy for some people to be rather gatekeep-y, instead of the more open approach of the early 90s. Asexuality (and aromanticism/agender) is a spectrum, so it would make sense to leave the decision on how people define their aceness to, well, the people themselves. The state of the community today sometimes makes me a little sad, and that is one of the reasons why I don't really align to it. (Another reason is that people who still feel some kind of heterosexual attraction, even if it's not necessarily of a sexual or romantic nature, often aren't accepted in the community either, but that's of course an entirely different issue and not the main subject here.)
For example, there was this quote in the book that comes apparently from an information page about asexuality on the platform AVEN:
'If you're turned on by other people then you don't fit the definition. [...] Asexuals do not get horny toward other people, they would feel completely satisfied if they never shared a single sexual experience for the rest of their lives.'
Well, I kind of wanted to scream "not all asexuals!" after reading that quote. Seriously? What happened to the thought of it being a spectrum? Aren't demisexual people and other sublabels also part of the ace spectrum? What if I get horny towards fictional characters (like with aegosexuality), are these people not asexual after all?
Anyway, the book didn't answer these questions, but just showing the contrast between the old, in a sense more laisser-faire approach and today's need to put everyone into a neat little box with the label "asexuality" on it was very interesting.
Having said all that, the chapter about the development of the meaning of the term "asexuality" was pretty eye-opening. With today's centralised approach it's very easy for some people to be rather gatekeep-y, instead of the more open approach of the early 90s. Asexuality (and aromanticism/agender) is a spectrum, so it would make sense to leave the decision on how people define their aceness to, well, the people themselves. The state of the community today sometimes makes me a little sad, and that is one of the reasons why I don't really align to it. (Another reason is that people who still feel some kind of heterosexual attraction, even if it's not necessarily of a sexual or romantic nature, often aren't accepted in the community either, but that's of course an entirely different issue and not the main subject here.)
For example, there was this quote in the book that comes apparently from an information page about asexuality on the platform AVEN:
'If you're turned on by other people then you don't fit the definition. [...] Asexuals do not get horny toward other people, they would feel completely satisfied if they never shared a single sexual experience for the rest of their lives.'
Well, I kind of wanted to scream "not all asexuals!" after reading that quote. Seriously? What happened to the thought of it being a spectrum? Aren't demisexual people and other sublabels also part of the ace spectrum? What if I get horny towards fictional characters (like with aegosexuality), are these people not asexual after all?
Anyway, the book didn't answer these questions, but just showing the contrast between the old, in a sense more laisser-faire approach and today's need to put everyone into a neat little box with the label "asexuality" on it was very interesting.
March 7, 2024
i am incredibly thankful for this book. it is not necessarily the book i expected, in the sense i was expecting something more focused on individual aro/ace/agender experiences rather than the thorough exploration of how colonialism and imperialism and Romanticism (capital R) have shaped our modern (western) understanding of gender and sexuality and romance and attraction that this book is. however, i am very thankful this is the approach Michael took, and it makes this book both a fantastic decolonial book as well as an essential text on aro/ace/agender experiences. i also loved the more personal touches Michael added, incorporating discussion of their own identities and journeys, and ending sections with small poems exploring the themes discussed. i look forward to revisiting this book and continuing to reflect on the questions it asks.
September 24, 2024
While this was definitely a deeper look into the asexual identity and I loved that the concept of split attraction was so nicely explained, I wished Chapters 5 and 6 were longer and talked more about aromanticism and agenderness. Especially the last chapter felt a bit too short and shallow. Still, I really enjoyed this book and definitely rec it for anyone who would like to read more about the As and how colonialism plays role in the way Western society views sexualities, attraction, romance and gender.
September 23, 2024
Ein interessantes und aufschlussreiches Werk, welches sich intensiv mit den drei As auseinandersetzt. Ausserdem bringt Michael Paramo auch Lebenserfahrung als Native mit ein. Denn wie wir erfahren werden, hängt die Heteronormativität eng mit dem Kolonialismus zusammen.
Der Text ist sehr akademisch, eine gewisse Erfahrung im Englischen ist somit zur Lektüre nützlich. Schritt für Schritt widmen wir uns erst der Asexualität, dann der Aromantik und schlussendlich noch dem Thema Agender. Dabei zeigt uns Paramo diverse Einsichten und Erlebnisse von Menschen aus diesem Spekturm, aber auch, dass diese Identitäten seit jeher existiert haben. Und womit sie zu kämpfen hatten und haben.
Die eingestreuten Gedichte Paramos haben mich zwischenzeitlich leider etwas verwirrt, da sie mich aus dem Informationsfluss geworfen haben. Ausserdem habe ich in einem Sachbuch dies so nicht erwartet. Aber wieso auch nicht? Wir brechen hier schliesslich mit alten, festgefahrenen Positionen.
Inwiefern ich mich spezifisch an dieses Buch erinnern werde, kann ich nicht sagen. Ich denke, es funktioniert eher auf der Ebene, dass ich neues Wissen zu meinem bereits bestehenden Fundus hinzufügen konnte. Das ist aber schon viel wert.
Der Text ist sehr akademisch, eine gewisse Erfahrung im Englischen ist somit zur Lektüre nützlich. Schritt für Schritt widmen wir uns erst der Asexualität, dann der Aromantik und schlussendlich noch dem Thema Agender. Dabei zeigt uns Paramo diverse Einsichten und Erlebnisse von Menschen aus diesem Spekturm, aber auch, dass diese Identitäten seit jeher existiert haben. Und womit sie zu kämpfen hatten und haben.
Die eingestreuten Gedichte Paramos haben mich zwischenzeitlich leider etwas verwirrt, da sie mich aus dem Informationsfluss geworfen haben. Ausserdem habe ich in einem Sachbuch dies so nicht erwartet. Aber wieso auch nicht? Wir brechen hier schliesslich mit alten, festgefahrenen Positionen.
Inwiefern ich mich spezifisch an dieses Buch erinnern werde, kann ich nicht sagen. Ich denke, es funktioniert eher auf der Ebene, dass ich neues Wissen zu meinem bereits bestehenden Fundus hinzufügen konnte. Das ist aber schon viel wert.
June 30, 2024
Absolutely brilliant book, I feel very seen. It perfectly balances helping the reader understand asexuality, aromanticism and agender identity while also pushing to consider the radical potential of these identities. It is especially interesting when Paramo encourages you to think of how current queer identities are constructed within the cishetropatrichal world and the radical potential of queer identity in response to colonialism.
May 25, 2025
4.5/5
One of the most in-depth and insightful sources I’ve ever found into aromanticism, asexuality and agenderism, and I picked it up on a whim. A real pleasure to read, and I will be incorporating a good chunk of Michael Paramo’s words into my own worldview. My one nitpick is I HATED the poetry, it was so rubbish (sorry)
One of the most in-depth and insightful sources I’ve ever found into aromanticism, asexuality and agenderism, and I picked it up on a whim. A real pleasure to read, and I will be incorporating a good chunk of Michael Paramo’s words into my own worldview. My one nitpick is I HATED the poetry, it was so rubbish (sorry)
January 18, 2025
The book goes into depth on aromantic asexuals identities providing also an historical and decolonzied perspective of sexuality and relationships. It is still accessible as entry level book for who does not know much about the topic. Suggested also to those that think that they don't belong to the areace spectrum but still are interested in deconstructing normative views on sexuality
August 10, 2024
An intriguing, beautiful, artistic, intelligent, unique, and validating exploration of the asexual, aromantic, and agender identities. Through articles, books, reflections, poetry, and lived experiences, the author explores what it means to be isolated from the rest of western colonial society and to lack everything the world expects from our existence. And yet, these narratives and reflections from the author reveal how we can also find meaning and identity in that absence. I highly recommend this book for any a-spec people wanting to discover where they belong, and for any non-a-spec people who perhaps hadn’t considered these ideas as part of their worldview. My favorite passage offers a spiritual understanding of that place where aro/ace/agender people come from and how it can define and ultimately enrich our existence:
”I choose to define as the quazar inside, to signal toward our inherent spiritual connection with the cosmos as well as the fusion of queerness and azeness (hence being spelled quazar) within us: how our insides simultaneously reflect what is claimed to not supposed to be there but is (queerness) and what is not there but is 'supposed' to be (azeness) [aka: ace, aro, and agender identity] The quazar is the spiritual source that feeds us to express, to create, to grow, to love, to interconnect, to try, to feel. The ways in which we become in tune with ourselves, the ways in which we learn to feed the quazar, are what nurture us to encounter, to face, reality. Rather than an identity, the quazar is the place where I simultaneously come from, am present, and am going - like the soil of the Earth we come from, are made of, and return to.”
”I choose to define as the quazar inside, to signal toward our inherent spiritual connection with the cosmos as well as the fusion of queerness and azeness (hence being spelled quazar) within us: how our insides simultaneously reflect what is claimed to not supposed to be there but is (queerness) and what is not there but is 'supposed' to be (azeness) [aka: ace, aro, and agender identity] The quazar is the spiritual source that feeds us to express, to create, to grow, to love, to interconnect, to try, to feel. The ways in which we become in tune with ourselves, the ways in which we learn to feed the quazar, are what nurture us to encounter, to face, reality. Rather than an identity, the quazar is the place where I simultaneously come from, am present, and am going - like the soil of the Earth we come from, are made of, and return to.”
February 28, 2025
This was alright. Made some interesting points about the way the terms 'asexual', 'aromantic' and 'agender' only exist in the context of and in opposition to violently imposed colonial cisheteropatriarchal norms. A lot of food for thought. And some questionable poetry.
It wasn't particularly well written though. Not terrible! Just like the author was trying a bit too hard to sound erudite and academic so it came out with a bit of a quality of having been written by someone who swallowed a thesaurus. Plus a few grammatical niggles - not necessarily errors just some ugly split infinitives, using 'how' where 'that' would have been more natural/accurate. Anyway, all combined to make it a bit clunky and not really having a natural voice or flow, which made it more effort to read than it could have been.
My biggest issue with reading this book though was that it wasn't what I was expecting. Obviously that's more of a me problem - looking at the cover I don't think there's anything that misled me. I think I just had a strong idea of how I would write a book with a title like this so that's what I was expecting 🤷♂️. Anyway, I just really wanted it to be looking at the intersection of all the identities and how they interact with one another. And it didn't really - just looked at them separately under the same type of framing. Anyway. Guess that's for another book.
It wasn't particularly well written though. Not terrible! Just like the author was trying a bit too hard to sound erudite and academic so it came out with a bit of a quality of having been written by someone who swallowed a thesaurus. Plus a few grammatical niggles - not necessarily errors just some ugly split infinitives, using 'how' where 'that' would have been more natural/accurate. Anyway, all combined to make it a bit clunky and not really having a natural voice or flow, which made it more effort to read than it could have been.
My biggest issue with reading this book though was that it wasn't what I was expecting. Obviously that's more of a me problem - looking at the cover I don't think there's anything that misled me. I think I just had a strong idea of how I would write a book with a title like this so that's what I was expecting 🤷♂️. Anyway, I just really wanted it to be looking at the intersection of all the identities and how they interact with one another. And it didn't really - just looked at them separately under the same type of framing. Anyway. Guess that's for another book.
February 28, 2025
Michael Paramo’s Ending the Pursuit: Asexuality, Aromanticism, and Agender Identity is a poetic and searing interrogation of the colonial forces that shape our understandings of attraction, gender, and relationality. With incisive critique and lyrical prose, Paramo unravels the structures that have taught us to see separability as inevitable—to believe that identities must be fixed, that attraction must be sexual, that romance must be the pinnacle of intimacy.
At the heart of Ending the Pursuit is the concept of "azeness," a term Paramo uses to describe the shared experiences of asexual, aromantic, and agender people navigating a world that renders their existence impossible. Through a decolonial lens, they expose how cisheteropatriarchy has dictated the terms of identity and desire, pathologizing any deviation from its norms. Paramo demonstrates how colonialism is not just a system of domination but a force that meticulously sorted, categorized, and policed the most intimate aspects of being—constructing gender, sexuality, and attraction as rigid and hierarchical. In resisting this, Ending the Pursuit refuses the idea that ace, aro, and agender people are lacking something. Instead, it celebrates interconnectedness, rejecting the imposed loneliness of nonconformity.
Throughout the book, Paramo deconstructs the ways in which asexuality, aromanticism, and gender nonconformity have been medicalized, sexualized, and made unintelligible. They challenge the assumptions that tie asexuality to disability, unravel the racialized myths that deem certain bodies incapable of desirelessness, and reveal how sexology has long sought to define and constrain attraction. The book skillfully articulates how bi and pan identities, much like ace and aro identities, disrupt binary thinking, and how dismantling rigid concepts of attraction allows for a more expansive and liberatory way of relating to others.
Perhaps one of the most powerful threads of Ending the Pursuit is its critique of romantic supremacy—the deeply ingrained belief that fulfillment hinges on romantic partnership. Paramo argues that this hierarchy fuels the pathologization of aromanticism, enforcing the notion that a life without romance is a life incomplete. In rejecting these narratives, the book insists on the legitimacy of chosen kinship, platonic devotion, and the infinite ways we can structure our relationships outside of colonial expectations.
Paramo’s writing is both intellectually rigorous and emotionally resonant, weaving together historical analysis, personal reflection, and radical imagination. They call for a world beyond rigid labels, beyond imposed desires, beyond the necessity of proving one’s existence to systems that refuse to see it. Ending the Pursuit is a vital text for anyone seeking to unlearn the colonial logics embedded in their understanding of relationality and to embrace a future defined by liberation, not legibility.
📖 Read this if you love: decolonial critiques of gender and sexuality, radical reimaginings of identity beyond colonial binaries, and the works of Sherronda J. Brown and Angela Chen.
🔑 Key Themes: Colonialism and the Construction of Identity, The Politics of Attraction, Gender and Desire as Social Constructs, Medicalization and Pathologization of Asexuality, Queer Liberation Beyond the Binary.
Content / Trigger Warnings: Mental Illness (minor), Sexual Assault (minor), Homophobia (minor), Abortion (minor), Racism (moderate).
At the heart of Ending the Pursuit is the concept of "azeness," a term Paramo uses to describe the shared experiences of asexual, aromantic, and agender people navigating a world that renders their existence impossible. Through a decolonial lens, they expose how cisheteropatriarchy has dictated the terms of identity and desire, pathologizing any deviation from its norms. Paramo demonstrates how colonialism is not just a system of domination but a force that meticulously sorted, categorized, and policed the most intimate aspects of being—constructing gender, sexuality, and attraction as rigid and hierarchical. In resisting this, Ending the Pursuit refuses the idea that ace, aro, and agender people are lacking something. Instead, it celebrates interconnectedness, rejecting the imposed loneliness of nonconformity.
Throughout the book, Paramo deconstructs the ways in which asexuality, aromanticism, and gender nonconformity have been medicalized, sexualized, and made unintelligible. They challenge the assumptions that tie asexuality to disability, unravel the racialized myths that deem certain bodies incapable of desirelessness, and reveal how sexology has long sought to define and constrain attraction. The book skillfully articulates how bi and pan identities, much like ace and aro identities, disrupt binary thinking, and how dismantling rigid concepts of attraction allows for a more expansive and liberatory way of relating to others.
Perhaps one of the most powerful threads of Ending the Pursuit is its critique of romantic supremacy—the deeply ingrained belief that fulfillment hinges on romantic partnership. Paramo argues that this hierarchy fuels the pathologization of aromanticism, enforcing the notion that a life without romance is a life incomplete. In rejecting these narratives, the book insists on the legitimacy of chosen kinship, platonic devotion, and the infinite ways we can structure our relationships outside of colonial expectations.
Paramo’s writing is both intellectually rigorous and emotionally resonant, weaving together historical analysis, personal reflection, and radical imagination. They call for a world beyond rigid labels, beyond imposed desires, beyond the necessity of proving one’s existence to systems that refuse to see it. Ending the Pursuit is a vital text for anyone seeking to unlearn the colonial logics embedded in their understanding of relationality and to embrace a future defined by liberation, not legibility.
📖 Read this if you love: decolonial critiques of gender and sexuality, radical reimaginings of identity beyond colonial binaries, and the works of Sherronda J. Brown and Angela Chen.
🔑 Key Themes: Colonialism and the Construction of Identity, The Politics of Attraction, Gender and Desire as Social Constructs, Medicalization and Pathologization of Asexuality, Queer Liberation Beyond the Binary.
Content / Trigger Warnings: Mental Illness (minor), Sexual Assault (minor), Homophobia (minor), Abortion (minor), Racism (moderate).
February 14, 2025
This book had a very in-depth approach to how the cisheteropatriarchal norms of our society were formed, and how they have come to exclude and "other" queer identities; specifically asexual, aromantic, and agender identities. There was a strong focus on Western colonialism and how it has had such a wide-reaching and negative effect on these communities. The discussion of the intersections of race and queer identities, and their common histories of oppression was informative.
I found the excerpts of historical cases of "desirelessness" to be interesting, because despite the unfortunate intentions of the doctors to diagnose a problem in these people, they inadvertently documented cases of people who would most likely now be considered asexual as existing in the 19th century. I love when queerness is seen in historical contexts, as many people like to deny that these identities existed before the 21st century.
I do wish there had been a bit more on agender identities as it was one of the reasons I picked up this book. I have already read multiple books on asexual and aromantic identities, and while I appreciate the added depth this book had on those, I still felt like the sections on agenderness were lacking. It is especially difficult to find books on agender identities, and this didn't end up having quite as much information as I had hoped.
Unfortunately, the poetry excerpts were also not for me, but I can see how they could add to the book for others.
This book still felt like an important piece in learning more about asexual, aromantic, and agender identities and their origins in our society. Looking at them through a colonial lens and breaking down their cisheteropatriarchal connections was a new and interesting perspective for me.
I found the excerpts of historical cases of "desirelessness" to be interesting, because despite the unfortunate intentions of the doctors to diagnose a problem in these people, they inadvertently documented cases of people who would most likely now be considered asexual as existing in the 19th century. I love when queerness is seen in historical contexts, as many people like to deny that these identities existed before the 21st century.
I do wish there had been a bit more on agender identities as it was one of the reasons I picked up this book. I have already read multiple books on asexual and aromantic identities, and while I appreciate the added depth this book had on those, I still felt like the sections on agenderness were lacking. It is especially difficult to find books on agender identities, and this didn't end up having quite as much information as I had hoped.
Unfortunately, the poetry excerpts were also not for me, but I can see how they could add to the book for others.
This book still felt like an important piece in learning more about asexual, aromantic, and agender identities and their origins in our society. Looking at them through a colonial lens and breaking down their cisheteropatriarchal connections was a new and interesting perspective for me.
May 12, 2024
There's so much here to love. This is a thought piece. But there's intellectual depth and some degree of reflexivity, distance, even.
I must say, though ... I hated the poetry. But I also just don't like poetry to begin with. Maybe others will find it compelling, but I was put off. For me, poetry is laziness, emo teens on MySpace, "artists," stream of consciousness note-taking ... not for live consumption.
That aside ... this text helps make clear the distinctions between aromantic, asexual, and agender ... and quazar (queerness and azeness combined). I loved the concepts of pluriversal, gender variance, and decolonizing gender (attributed to Chicana feminist Chela Sandoval). "To decolonize gender is to deconstruct the dominant terms gender is framed in and (re)focus on the acceptance of individuals who have been ostracized" ... but perhaps the most compelling aspects are the intersectional bits: "Would I still have found resonance with agenderness if gender wasn't defined by cisheteropatriarchical or otherwise such rigid standards -- if our gender visions had not been so clouded?" This made me think more deeply about how sexuality is entwined with gender (as well as sex).
I still haven't found an idea that helps me understand myself better, but I appreciated the deep introspection and widely cast net.
Thanks to Edelweiss+ and Consortium Book Sales & Distribution for the advance copy.
I must say, though ... I hated the poetry. But I also just don't like poetry to begin with. Maybe others will find it compelling, but I was put off. For me, poetry is laziness, emo teens on MySpace, "artists," stream of consciousness note-taking ... not for live consumption.
That aside ... this text helps make clear the distinctions between aromantic, asexual, and agender ... and quazar (queerness and azeness combined). I loved the concepts of pluriversal, gender variance, and decolonizing gender (attributed to Chicana feminist Chela Sandoval). "To decolonize gender is to deconstruct the dominant terms gender is framed in and (re)focus on the acceptance of individuals who have been ostracized" ... but perhaps the most compelling aspects are the intersectional bits: "Would I still have found resonance with agenderness if gender wasn't defined by cisheteropatriarchical or otherwise such rigid standards -- if our gender visions had not been so clouded?" This made me think more deeply about how sexuality is entwined with gender (as well as sex).
I still haven't found an idea that helps me understand myself better, but I appreciated the deep introspection and widely cast net.
Thanks to Edelweiss+ and Consortium Book Sales & Distribution for the advance copy.
October 3, 2024
Described as "both an artistic autoethnographic and a theoretical academic work, this book takes a 'decolonial' and interconnected approach to discussing asexuality, aromanticism, and agender identities. It explores the history of sexuality, romance, attraction, and gender with the view/defintion of these that has spread globally is a Western, capitalist, cisheteropatriarchial view, putting into context the terms and looking at how the definitions can be unsettled and reclaimed. The language is very academical (fair warning) and interspersed with poetry - my mileage varied on the poetry, particularly the 13 page poem, mostly I think because the change in tone/style was jarring.
Interesting and food for thought.
Interesting and food for thought.
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May 13, 2025I'm not going to officially put a rating on this book, I just don't think it'd be fair to it. The book is really well written. It is thorough, and it breaks up the information heavy text with poetry, but it just isn't my genre. I probably would rate it a 4 if I did like reading non-fiction books, comparing it to other non-fiction books I've read, but I generally rate based on enjoyment and well... that would be a bit lower, as I rarely am in the mood for non-fiction and basically have to force myself to read it. I tried going outside my comfort zone, so at least there's that.
Definitely recommend to people who generally like non-fiction, if you generally don't, then this is probably not the book for you.
Definitely recommend to people who generally like non-fiction, if you generally don't, then this is probably not the book for you.
November 2, 2024
I liked the premise of the book, this idea of exploring asexuality through the lens of postcolonialism. However, even if the beginning seemed very promising, I felt that as I read more and more the chapters became lazier in terms of research and theoretical background. Especially towards the last chapter they seemed much more informed by the author personal's experience (which is fine, but I was expecting something a bit more academic). I also didn't enjoy the poems that appear kind of randomly in between chapters.
Nevertheless, I still enjoyed reading, especially some chapters regarding attraction and the evolution of the concept of romance.
Nevertheless, I still enjoyed reading, especially some chapters regarding attraction and the evolution of the concept of romance.
November 3, 2024
Aspects of "ending the pursuit" were affirming, particularly in exploring the various forms of attraction and love. With that being said, I anticipated a more academic analysis aromantic and agender identities, I feel this was mostly done in regard to asexuality.
I did appreciate the inspection of these identities from a colonial perspective however. This is certainly important, its consideration often evaded in discussion of these topics elsewhere.
I personally didn't enjoy the intermittent poems throughout, and feel that they detracted from the book's overall message and tone, although I appreciate this is a matter of taste rather than content.
I did appreciate the inspection of these identities from a colonial perspective however. This is certainly important, its consideration often evaded in discussion of these topics elsewhere.
I personally didn't enjoy the intermittent poems throughout, and feel that they detracted from the book's overall message and tone, although I appreciate this is a matter of taste rather than content.
June 4, 2024
I've been around internet queer discussions for long enough that some of this was stuff I was already reasonably familiar with and thus perhaps felt less 'groundbreaking' than it might for other people; however, the discussions about historical 'desirelessness', the development of a centralised asexual identity on the internet, and the ways in which understanding and hierarchisation of different forms of love/desire have shifted over time (especially in relationship to white colonialist pursuits) were all very interesting to me and presented a history that I was less familiar with.
June 14, 2025
This book intersperses a postmodern, decolonial analysis of asexuality, aromanticism and agender with the author's personal reflections and poetry. I felt it was at its strongest when drawing out how Western expectations of sexual and romantic attraction intersect with other dimensions of colonial ideology such as race and gender. The poems did not add much, in my opinion, but perhaps they just were not to my taste.
June 18, 2025
interesting read, the notion of layers of attraction and the different types of attraction was one i hadn't given much thought to, i also found the exploration of potential asexual cases in the 18th century to be interesting. bit hard to read at times, convoluting words and while this does include agender identity it doesn't get nearly as much focus as the others. still interesting though!
July 6, 2024
Paramo does an excellent job with this book. They start off with more basic, less academic language, then build to a more dense and insightful academic approach. Might not be the best intro to these concepts, but Paramo explores these concepts briefly. I want more.
January 9, 2025
This was a really nice and well-written book about topics I adore, intertwining theory and personal experience.
I really liked it, but I do wish the chapter about being agender had a little more depth to it, and in some of the other chapters as well.
Nonetheless, a very good book to have read!
I really liked it, but I do wish the chapter about being agender had a little more depth to it, and in some of the other chapters as well.
Nonetheless, a very good book to have read!
April 21, 2025
“we exist as all life does … to express ourselves through occasional blooms, produce fruit, drop leaves, feed everything through our decomposition and nourishing of the soil; to nourish life in our own life, relationality, and death.” (193)
May 5, 2025
I wanted to like this more than I did. Some interesting points and areas of history that were new to me but agender didn’t get much of a look in, it could have benefited from an editor and I was not convinced by the poetry or grouping of topics.
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