“What he’d done was crack something new inside of me and let it break the world.”
If Sally Rooney and Katie Kitamura had an American cousin together, and that cousin had a similar “voice,” Alyssa Songsiridej may be that person. Still aspiring, but getting there. Now, I’m not talking about plot (but there are some overlapping themes), and Songsiridej has a few steps to go to reach their utter brilliance of executing story, but I know that she will get there. This is her debut, which impressed and often riveted me; I have a strong sense that this author has a successful career ahead of her. This story of identity, boundaries, and the journey and search to fulfillment on all fronts is a winner, with a few flaws that mostly stayed out of the way.
The unnamed narrator and protagonist is a thirty-year-old struggling novelist, queer, biracial (Asian and Caucasian, although that doesn't much enter into the story on the surface), living with her best friend (also a toiling writer) and former college roommate, Annie. They have gone down every adult path together. They aren’t lovers, and they both consider themselves queer, and their shared sense of adventure is infectious. When the narrator entangles herself with a man, a fifty-year-old wealthy dance choreographer, Annie struggles to understand, and tensions between them rouse. The identity of their queerness together is threatened, Annie believes. She can't wrap her head around her friend's attraction to a man, which causes problems in the women's relationship.
The two friends live near Boston (Somerville), and the choreographer has two homes that take hours to get there—NYC and a place in the Berkshires. So, to visit the choreographer, the writer spends the weekends. I love how Songsiridej demonstrated the best friends’ relationship to be just as compelling as the one between the narrator and choreographer. To spice and complicate things even more, there’s the choreographer’s main dancer, a woman who the writer is attracted to, also. And the choreographer stands ready to exercise that, but not how you may think!
The push-pull on both sides causes the protagonist growing anguish. And the reader feels it. Beyond that, there is sexiness and drama and drama-role-play-sex between the choreographer and writer. Is she going down a dangerously explosive path? Is the choreographer pulling a grenade pin on her? That’s a question I kept asking while reading. The unnamed narrator (as Kitamura has done) demonstrates her lack of self-identity, as well as how she doesn't name the choreographer. She’s not so much every woman as she is no one, lost in the choreographer’s desires, and drowning in her own. “When he first saw me, he didn’t react, my identity failing to register” is an example of the theme. Also, he mostly calls her Little Rabbit or Rabbit, his chosen identity for her.
There's also the power of his status, his elegant stature, his body, and his willingness to support the writer in her ambition. His devotion terrifies her. "Money and power and sex and devotion. ...I played with the four words like marbles."
There’s also a meta- moment or two, which I liked, the author exposing herself through her story, without it being distracting or intrusive. During a scene together, it is noted that Annie has always considered herself a writer of life, while the narrator is a writer of ideas. Songsiridej is absolutely a strong writer of ideas in this book. But she also shared that the protagonist, with her ideas, and concepts, sometimes has difficulty with the plot, making it work the way Annie’s does. And, perhaps this book, too, is occasionally stronger with ideas, themes, character, than with plot. There are a few moments, especially near the end, where the plot is executed in a stagy way. The storytelling isn’t a problem—it’s the execution at those times, so it feels a bit awkward or hammy. But, fortunately, the rest was so strong that I wasn’t too bothered.
A few growing pains, sure, but I'm still thinking about this novel. As resonant and sensuous as it gets. Never bored, never once, it was a page-turner for me. One other note: I liked how Songsiridej created her male character as a choreographer (and former dancer), as his character facilitates the theme of space-- the boundaries as ever mindful with a dancer.
Although I rate it 4 stars, it is a superb 4 stars. These are the times that I really wish we had half star allowances.
Thank you to Bloomsbury for sending me a galley to review.