When a Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation

by Cecil Murphey

The numbers of males abused in childhood are sometimes listed as low as 5 percent or as high as 33 percent. Though statistics are controversial, no one disputes the fact that childhood abuse is a continuing problem―or that such abuse can have devastating effects on future relationships. For all women who know and love a survivor of sexual assault, best-selling author Cecil Murphey has penned an honest and forthright book about surviving―and thriving―despite past abuses.Both informative and highly practical, Murphey helps women understand the continuing problems that abuse survivors may encounter, including hurtful memories, issues of self worth, and the need to feel in control. With sensitivity and encouragement, Murphey then explains what women can do to help bring about healing and forgiveness. Written with the empathy that only a true survivor can convey, When a Man You Love Was Abused is a timely piece of advice and encouragement.Find out more at www.menshatteringthesilence.blogspot.com.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian Non Fiction

256 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2010

About the author

Cecil Murphey has written or coauthored more than one hundred books, including the autobiography of Franklin Graham, Rebel with a Cause. A collaborator on the bestseller Gifted Hands with Dr. Ben Carson, Cecil resides in Georgia.

Reviews

[Karla · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a brave step to discuss a frequently under-addressed need. Many male survivors of abuse have little knowledge of resources to help them overcome the past and move forward and achieve wellness. I respect the author for his candid and sincere approach to the topic. There were moments of revelation or insight as I read through the book. This book is particularly targeted to the women in the life of male sexual abuse survivors. It is important to note that although a woman may benefit from the book as the mother, aunt, grandmother or other close female to the man who was abused, it is targeted principally to his wife/girlfriend/partner. There were two things that were difficult for me. The author at one point states that he sometimes repeats himself, which is true. There are many repetitive statements throughout the whole book, which is sometimes distracting. Additionally, I feel that in some ways his expectations of the woman in the life of the abuse victim borders on superwomanhood. He notes that this time will be difficult for both the man and the woman, but consistently tells what each woman ought to be doing. This is good as a resource for ideas and help for women to know how to approach such a difficult situation; nevertheless, I fear that it poses an image of what ought to be that sets women up for failure in supporting the men they love on the path to healing. The book does contain several suggestions for things that each man can do as he recovers his life after abuse. This information is valuable for those who need it. He also includes the importance of God in the process of healing, but is sensitive to each person's own place in life and feelings towards God.

This book could provide good insights for those who are would like to understand male sexual abuse victims and offer them friendship, compassion and support as they work through the past.

*** I neglected to mention that I received this book as a part of Goodreads First Reads. ***

[Kelly Fordyce Martindale · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm reading it a second time as it offers advice to help loved ones and even myself. This is a "woman's guide to help men" but it's healing for women also...the insight into how men think after abuse helped me have a better understanding and gave me more tools to work with. Transparent, relevant, and healing.

[Cathy Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent and insightful.

Raw, authentic, educational, and a must read. I now understand the depth of suffering of these men who are healing out of abuse. May God bless the author, those he is helping and has helped.

[Angie · Rating 3 out of 5]

All in a days work !

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

When A Man You Love Was Abused: A Woman's Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation by Cecil Murphy is written in two parts. The first part deals with his own personal horrific trauma and how he handled it over many years, as well as his compassion for men who were sexually molested/abused as children. He reaches out passionately and directly about some of the areas abused men will need to address to become whole-giving an inside peek of the male's psyche and emotions. He's direct about what worked for him and what didn't. It's not a `fix-it' book, but instead helps men realize they aren't alone or crazy and that healing can be reached. The One who ultimately does the healing is the Lord, and He uses many different people to accomplish the task.

A few of his topics in Part 1: Who He Is

* Who Are the Molested?
* A Personal Journey
* Where Was God?
* A theft of Childhood
* Flashbacks and Dreams
* The Effects of Abuse
* Male Self-Images
* Forgiving the Abuser/Himself
* plus 14 more topics

The second half of the Cecil's book is directed specifically to the women in these men's lives-how they can help him through the healing process by being there for him and encouraging him. Easy? No way! Necessary? Absolutely!

Part 2 contains some of the following:

* The Other Victim
* Accept His Unspeakable Problem
* Believe Him and Help Him Believe
* Accept His Shame
* Remind Him You Care
* Listen, Listen, Listen
* Pray for Him
* Be Honest with Him
* plus 14 more topics

Women, this is definitely a book to have on your shelf if the man in your life is struggling with childhood sexual abuse. Cecil has wise words of advice that will you help stand beside the man in your life through his healing process by encouraging him. Whether the survivor in your life is a brother, father, son, boyfriend, or husband, you will find encouragement and strength from Cecil's book. I personally feel that the book could also be used in reverse circumstances where it's the woman who has been abused, especially part 2.

Special thanks to Danielle Douglas of Douglas Public Relations for sending me a review copy.

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

I gave three stars because the book has a lot of information and anecdotes about the effects of childhood sexual abuse, the progress of both the symptoms and of recovery. This information can be helpful to the victim as well as to his loved ones. The author presents many helpful ideas and personal testimonials, including his own. Being a christian minister, however, he apparently feels required to inject bible verses and feel-good religious jargon, which sits on the page like scribbled graffiti. If the reader mentally crosses out such stuff, the author's message becomes even more powerful: e.g., instead of "God showed him" that his wife loved him, believed him and wanted to help, how about saying he discovered that truth for himself. He says the god-talk and foreign fairy-tales worked for him, but I know at least one child victim who finds it worthless or even disturbing--for example, a First Corinthians verse saying "your body does not belong to you." Tell that to a rape or incest victim.

[BRNTerri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've just finished this book and it was an easy read. It held my interest and I never got bored with it. It flowed very well. It's very interesting to me, always has been, to read about dark subject matters. I liked how the author told little stories about the men he's known who've also been abused. To me this book read sort of like a memoir, and I liked that. I didn't feel like I was reading a textbook. It truly would be a great book for a woman to read if she has a man in her life, be it husband, brother or son, who's been abused, so she'll know she's not the only one dealing with this issue.

* I won this book in the Goodreads Firstreads giveaway in exchange for an honest review.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this book as part of the First Reads giveaway and I am so glad that I did. As a Counselor, a Christian, and a person, I have encountered a few men who have been sexually molested and there is not nearly enough said on the subject. This book gave many stories from people's lives and had the resounding theme that, as a woman who cares about a man who has been victimized, we need to stand by their side as they wrestle through it. It also helped show how which is so crucial when we feel helpless and want to take away their pain. I would recommend for anyone who has any male in their life who has been subject to this.

[Giselle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won this book through goodreads first-reads!
Women, this is definitely a book to have on your shelf if the man in your life is struggling with childhood sexual abuse. Cecil has wise words of advice that will you help stand beside the man in your life through his healing process by encouraging him. Whether the survivor in your life is a brother, father, son, boyfriend, or husband, you will find encouragement and strength from Cecil's book. I personally feel that the book could also be used in reverse circumstances where it's the woman who has been abused, especially part 2.

[Angela Breidenbach · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cec's vulnerability will help women begin to understand why the men they love act in numbness, hiding their emotions under a wall so thick they no longer are aware of their existence. What seems like neglectful uncaring is actually the inability to even find emotions long ago buried. Though there are very practical and helpful suggestions for women, loving a man who has been abused takes the help of Christ and Cec does not fail to acknowledge that important piece of the puzzle. Great opportunity to strengthen marriages and save many from destruction.

[Nicole]

This book was really hard for me to read and review. Of course, the subject matter isn't light, upbeat reading, but the writing felt disjointed. The transitions between the 'advice' and victims' stories was not very smooth and I found it hard to keep the different stories straight at times.[return][return]I haven't read enough books on this topic to say how this one compares, but it was rather informative, and in the end it all made sense. I just wish there had been a greater overall flow to the book.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Although I have only gotten through the first few chapters of this book, I do not plan on continuing to read the rest of it. I was unaware that it would be written with a religious perspective, and since my view differs, I don't feel the coping methods suggested by this book will have much relevance to my life. For those with faith in a Christian god, this might be a good read and give some hope for having a fulfilling relationship with a victim of abuse. I can appreciate the perspective even though it was not relevant to me.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

My husband is a social worker and thought this book would be useful for clients to have as a resource. My husband gave this book to one of his clients and it helped her to understand what her husband was going through. Having been a victim of abuse herself, my husband's client said "it was interesting to see the affects of abuse from her husband's point of view."

[Carol · Rating 2 out of 5]

While the insights in this book were very enlightening, there were few practical solutions or suggestions. For the author, finding God fixed everything.
I received the book for free through Goodreads First Reads.

[Jerry Chesser · Rating 4 out of 5]

Long on stories and short on content. Would have preferred some more in depth explanations of hypervigilance, possible dissociation/depersonalization, and the therapeutic process. Still, the book should be helpful, assuming the significant other cares enough to read a book.

[Alice Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book for research, not for someone I know in real life. The book is so important and so painful to read, but essential.
My only issue with it was that the author kept mentioning God, but how can atheists find peace and help from this book if they don't believe in God?

[Margaret Chind]

*Thanks to Kregel Publications through FIRST for providing a copy for review.*

[Jeff Surridge]

Just won on first reads!

[Frank · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks!