Crush

The House on Glass Beach #1

by Laura Susan Johnson

Raw, graphic, candid portrait of two young gay men whose love affair is deeply affected by the scars they sustained from childhood sexual abuse. Tammy and Jamie are soul mates, but their love is thwarted for years by bad timing, fear of ridicule, and the damage that lingers long after childhood.

Genres: M M Romance, Abuse, Dark, Contemporary, Romance, LGBT, Erotica

440 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 30, 2011

About the author

Laura Susan Johnson has been writing since age eleven, cutting her teeth on tales of the family pets. Aside from writing, Laura Susan enjoys quilting, playing around with colorful makeup, clothing and hair colors, web design, and vegan cooking. She resides in California, Idaho, Arkansas, and the northern coast of Oregon.

Reviews

[len ❀ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Crush is, without a doubt, one of the most emotionally heart-wrenching books I’ve read.

“You and I have been through hell and back over the past few weeks, over the past sixteen years... I know we can do this. I know it. I know I can love you forever, whether we're rich or poor, healthy or sick, for better or worse, whether you're sweet or in a foul mood... I can love you.”

The blurb is vague, letting us know that the story follows two men as their love affair is affected by their past. We follow Jamie and Temmy (pronounced Tammy) who were both sexually abused as children in different ways. As they grow, both turn to different ways to sustain themselves but are affected by their inner and outer scars as they move forward.

Trigger warnings for child abuse–physical, mental, emotional, sexual–, homophobia, some animal cruelty (on and off page), parent neglect, and substance abuse. I’m honestly not very good at keeping track of all the triggers in a book except the major ones, so if you’re curious about this book, please keep in mind that it deals with topics that can be very sensitive for some readers.

While the story is not forgettable by any means, there were a few things I wasn’t a big fan of, and I tried to understand where the characters were coming from, but I wasn’t able to get fully on board with it. Still, Crush is one of the most underrated angsty stories I’ve read. I was randomly looking for emotional stories, those with angst that show how much two men have to fight for their HEA, and I came across Crush. The story of Jamie and Tammy is one worth reading and knowing about.

“Jamie?”
“Yeah?”
“I've missed you.”

The author doesn’t shy away from the graphic details of what they endure. I actually liked this, because it shows the hardships the two men had to go through in order to get where they are now. It showed how hard life is when not only you’re a gay man in the 2000s, but how deeply affected your past is, always haunting you. Jamie was abused, raped, and manipulated by his parents as a kid, while Tammy’s innocence was taken by his uncle through a manipulation strategy as well. While their stories are different, they still relate to an extent when it comes to facing their inner demons. Jamie, in particular, tugged at my heart. He was manipulated as a child into thinking what was being done to him was for pleasure. As he grows, you can see the effects it all had on him, which I appreciated the author showing. It’s difficult for him to trust others nearby besides his adoptive/foster father, Lloyd, and his best friend, Stacy. This includes his hesitancy and flinching towards physical contact, self-destruction, and smoking. As we come to learn more about him and how he has coped, Jamie’s character development comes through the hope he gets through God. Now I don’t doubt this can be something that might bother readers, but I was honestly a big fan of it. I was glad to see the author didn’t make religion pushy nor wrong, but instead it felt instinctive towards Jamie’s character arc. I actually appreciated this because it showed how someone can have a close connection with God even if they’re part of the LGBTQ+ community. Despite the years this took place in, there wasn’t denial in Jamie that God didn’t love Him. It was refreshing, to say the least. Of course we see the usual homophobia from religion and church, but this is a real portrayal of the difficulties gay people have always faced.

But, as I was reading his story, I couldn’t help but compare part of his story to that of Gabriel Fernandez. If you haven’t heard of Gabriel, he was an eight-year old boy who was murdered by his mother and step-father, where he was abused and tortured in different ways, including physical beatings, being burned with cigarettes, forced to eat cat litter, his own food, or expired food, was shot with a BB gun in different parts of his body, and was bound or forced to sleep in a secluded space. It was reported that Aguirre (the stepdad) apparently motivated to abuse Gabriel because he believed he was gay. Jamie was abused in similar ways, such as how he was burned with his mother’s cigarettes, went days without eating, was shackled, forced to sleep on the floor, etc. One of the only differences is that according to what the public knows about Fernandez, he wasn’t raped and sexually abused by both family members, whereas Jamie was raped by his mother and father, to the point where he was also forced to give head to his dad. The author also makes note of how this story has a connection to the real case of Matthew Shepard (who I learned about because of this). Actually, there is a brutal scene where Jamie gets beaten up similarly to how Matthew did, and you can easily see the similarities and comparisons in how both individuals were beaten, how they were taken to the hospital, and their overall case trial. Indeed, it’s been heartbreaking to see how this story is actually not entirely fiction and has a real-life part of it in itself,

As for Tammy, he turned to self-destruction as well, but in different ways. In his case, his uncle took advantage of him, manipulating him into thinking they had more than a familial relationship. What was Tammy thinking he was loved and appreciated turned into jealousy and anger towards his uncle and his family. He turns to drugs and substance abuse, constant sex with women, animal cruelty (which I skipped reading because I couldn’t read them without crying nor did I want to), and self-doubt. He’d use his life with others to forget about it all, but later realized that he wasn’t helping himself and instead destroying his life little by little. In my opinion, Tammy had the most character growth, but it was also understandable. He went from being someone who inflicted pain and violence on others (such as the animal abuse), to self-reflecting on his childhood self and being ashamed. He became a radio host and an advocate for animals rights, as well as volunteering at the animal shelter and letting his listeners know about dogs and cats that needed to be adopted. Tammy managed to escape his cage. This isn’t to say he’s forgotten, cured, and moved on, but he’s come to accept what happened in his past and is ready to learn from it to make better choices. Being a witness to his progress and journey of self-healing was beautiful.

He's my lover and the best friend I've ever had. We could have been together, all these years, but because certain people think that he and I are evil, that our love is evil, we've had to hide our feelings, deny our feelings. It isn't fair. It isn't right. I'll tell you something: evil is sitting right over there at that table. And they've put us through hell...

When the two reunite, they’re both adults in their 30s, having departed ways when they were teenagers because Tammy graduated high school first. But when they reunite it isn’t easy, and going through the obstacles trying to stop them in life wasn’t easy to get through. The way they suffer, the reader suffers too. It felt inevitable, at this point, to have some hope because there was always something in the way, trying to make their life harder than it already was. The way the two finally made it to the end and got their well deserved happy ever after was entirely worth it, but it was still stressful to read about it. It’s full of constant ache, longing, and despair. Every emotional upbringing moment was optimistic for a moment, only to be teared down again. The life these two came to form together and individually was not easy. I applaud the author for making it as emotional as she did with constant reassured moments that everything would be okay soon.

I’ve said this before multiple times, but I’m not a fan of miscommunication at all, especially when it can be avoided. Yet, I do agree that since we are all human (yes, including these fictional characters), there are times when we can’t talk to someone not because we don’t want to, but because we don’t know how to. This has worked for me in the past before, such as in Rat Park by Marina Vivancos. It happened in Crush, and it showed the rawness of the humanity Jamie and Tammy are. There are a lot of scenes that create angst, but it didn’t feel forced nor awkward, and instead added to the emotional turmoil this book was creating in me. It added to the longing and ache, the yearning and hope. They were miscommunication scenes that showed how much our haunted past affects how we communicate with those we love and wish we could trust with everything. I loved how the author showed this because it added to the timeline of the characters by showing how a traumatic past isn’t magically cured because someone you love is back in your life.

“You and I... we spent sixteen years alone, apart, unhappy, lonely. We punished ourselves when all we wanted was to be together. I used to swallow that crap, Jamie. I used to believe it was wrong to love you. That's why I left! That's why I went away and left you here alone. Because I was ashamed. I tried to like women. I tried. But all I wanted was you. I didn't even want other men! Only you. And if that's so wrong in God's eyes—if you and I are supposed to go through life without love, if we're supposed to be condemned to a miserable, lonely life—well, maybe I don't believe in Him.”

But, despite the emotions this provoked from me and how much I was rooting for Jamie and Tammy as individuals and together, I can’t help but feel like there was some niggles that felt a little too inconsistent. For example, when the two reunited, I felt like they did not have enough time together before they engaged sexually. This reminded me of how common it is for sex to take over a romance or love story without that deep emotional connection I’m always craving for. Even though this was written in 2012, not much has changed in the genre. At first, I was happy to see that the two were going out and getting to know each other. I mean, they hadn’t seen each other for sixteen years or so, so you can imagine how much has happened in those years. But it didn’t take that long for the two to get together. We’re set to believe that Jamie and Tammy are soulmates because of the feelings they had for each other when they were young, but I can’t wrap my head around the concept of them being soulmates and accept it when they had such a long yearly separation and not much development after that.

Adding on to that, I was not a fan of the pushiness it felt like Tammy had towards Jamie agreeing to engage sexually with him. As a matter of fact, he felt a little too-faced sometimes, such as how he was saying he would give Jamie time because he understood that not only was sex new to him and Jamie went through such a traumatic and abusive childhood, yet he made it seem like love equated to sex. It felt a little manipulative and guilt tripping. After they get married, one of Jamie’s inner monologue scenes says, “Tonight, he wants to go down on me, he says, and he won't take no for an answer.” What happened to patience and time? What happened to “We don’t have to do that if you’re not ready” and understanding? As the reader, you can see the clear signs that Jamie was either not ready, scared, uncomfortable, or all. During this scene, Jamie’s inner monologue is full of him saying he isn’t agreeing to it, that he isn’t ready, and that he doesn’t want it. But Tammy continues trying to convince him that giving him a blowjob is necessary to show Jamie how “beautiful and wonderful” he is. And if you’re wondering why Jamie doesn’t want Tammy to give him a blow job, it’s because it reminds him of his dad and how his dad forced him to perform oral sex. It’s still something that traumatizes him and not something he’s ready for. It isn’t like Tammy rapes or forces Jamie, but it does feel like he pushes until he gets his answer… So basically, it felt like Tammy wanted to show Jamie he was not dirty like he said he was through oral sex. It was a missed opportunity and truly disappointing. Something more intimate and emotional could have replaced those thoughts. Even before, when they were getting back together, one of Tammy’s thoughts is: “There's a lot he's not telling me.” I mean, obviously! Not only has it been sixteen years since they saw each other, but a lot has changed and happened in those years.

The two were never boyfriends or partners of any kind, so it was bizarre to me how Tammy was upset at how little Jamie was really telling him when the two had only recently rekindled. It’s as if he expected to be told his entire story in one day. In addition to the sex, it was mentioned once that Jamie started accepting his identity as asexual, yet this was never brought up again. Now, while I’m not saying you can’t be asexual and enjoy sex, here it felt like another case of an identity and/or sexual orientation being used for the sake of it. My problem wasn’t only that, it was also how little development there was for someone who was, quite honestly, very repulsed at the idea of sex. One moment Jamie was repulsed by sex (which I could understand if he was asexual because same), yet Jamie seemed to change that completely. I was confused, honestly, because it had been so long since they saw each other yet it didn’t take long for Jamie to forget about his repulsive thoughts. In my opinion, there wasn’t as much emotional connection as I had hoped. There was too much telling instead of showing and not enough relationship build up. Before I knew it, Jamie was obsessed and the two had sex like four times in one night.

The romance between Jamie and Tammy felt more believable when they were teenagers and had a crush on each other because of the time they spent together or saw each other. The crushing feelings were understandable too, but the love they came to feel felt a little too unbalanced. For the most part, I’m sad to say I appreciated their individual story arcs more compared to their relationship. Their story also added to the emotional punch this book gave me. Regardless, I was still rooting for them, and had to come to accept they loved each other even if it was questionable sometimes. There’s a lot of moments of anguish in between for the time the two lost. We see how the two fought to be together even if their past wasn’t allowing them to. It definitely carries a lot of raw portrayal of their hardships without sugarcoating their experiences.

Overall, as I said before, Crush is an underrated story. It has a lot of moments to appreciate, but it also has a lot of moments to ponder on and think about the reality of what the world has been and still is. Even in 2022, a lot of the things in this story are real and not much has changed. I hope the day and time comes when people will be able to live and love however and whomever they please.

You're in pieces and it takes the whole rest of your life to find each one and bring it back into you. Unlike in fairy tales, true love cannot totally erase everything I've suffered. I still have nightmares, but not as often now. I still struggle with bitterness and doubt. I still have trouble with that pesky shame I've known all my life. It pops up when my guard is down, and Tammy helps me with it, and I help him when his guilt rises out of nowhere and tries to slap him down.

[Trisha Harrington · Rating 5 out of 5]

A broken person can always be healed. You just need to find the person who will love you wholly and truthfully.



This book left me feeling numb, and though that would normally be a bad thing. With this book it was completely a good thing. This is a book that lives with you after you have finished. It can break you and put you back together, only to break you again with a few minutes notice. It is not to be read on a bad day and needs to be read by more and more people until there is no one who has read it. I cannot explain well enough how beautiful and thought provoking this book is. Every time I read this book I am left feeling changed inside. It is something that needs to be experienced in order to understand.

Crush, is a book about two men. Tammy and Jamie have known each other since high school. Or so we are lead to believe. But in fact they met years before. That was really the moment I fell in love. That singe scene at the grocery story when they were babies was enough. Something in that had me loose my heart and the boys held it until I had finished the last page and ever since they have held it. Nothing could have taken from the book. Sometimes a book like this is needed to get a topic out there.

Jamie and Tammy have loved and lost and loved again. But never in the course of this book did they lose their love for each other. Never did it break them beyond repair. They always had their love, even when they didn't realize it themselves. It was something incredible sweet and poignant. I wanted to cry so much during this book, but I was not able to. Tears could not come for them. Instead my heart shattered and broke with theirs and healed when theirs did. Through the book their love kept me reading and unable to put this wonderful story down. Even when we are broken we are never truly doomed to be broken forever. We can heal, but for that we need that person to love us.

When the boys loved in this book I felt it. The sex scenes were almost as sad as some of the other scenes. Jamie's thoughts and feelings during those times were conflicted. It was depressing (in a good way) to read how he felt. After the attack they became more romantic. After they had truly begun to heal I stopped wanting to cry during them. They were erotic and true but they also had a loving side to them. Something that is not shown enough in mm romances. I truly believed they became one when they had sex. It was something that caught me off guard after the first sex scene.

The abuse in this book is horrific. I read Touch Me Gently and Dream Boy. But this book managed to be even more heart breaking than those two combined. I was prepared and then I was not. Abuse is never an easy topic to discuss. But this covered that and did it so well. Jamie was tortured and destroyed by the people who were supposed to love him the most. In my mind I felt that his parents should have been shot and I would have been willing to do it. What they did was sick, disgusting and gruesome. But what they did happens, and no matter how hard we deny it. Jamie's parents are in our world. Just disguised to blend in with people and not on the pages of a book.

Rape is a controversial subject. This book approaches it in different ways. There was Jamie's experiences with rape and then there was Tammy's. Both are real and both are heartbreaking and both happen in real life. The difference is their reactions. Jamie turned to God and Tammy self destructed. In this though some may hate Tammy for his reaction to the abuse, he was only a child. Every child acts differently and both boys in this handled their grief their own way. That is something that they should not be hated for.

Religion is a strong feature in this book. But it's not shoved down the readers throat. If it had I would have been discouraged by this book. But it was done tastefully and really added to the experience. Jamie's survival was partly down to his ever strong belief in God. It helped me understand him as a person and made me smile for him, it was his own way of handling things. Of dealing with the past and connecting with something that made him thankful. Something that made him appreciate what he had. I could not understand it, but it was Jame. It was such a nice thing to see.

Tammy was the polar opposite in that sense. He didn't believe in God and so that made his views different again. I related to Tammy better in that sense. He was not someone who had their belief to help them, he didn't understand why things happened and he had to find his own way in the world. Jamie had the belief that God does things for a reason. God saved Jamie. Although I believe in God, I am not the most religious, and I find it harder to connect with a character who is completely devoted to God. But the way Jamie and Tammy differed I understood and connected with them on that level. Laura Susan Johnson did a wonderful job with both aspects of belief.

The secondary characters in this added the good and the bad to the story. There were friends and foe in this and the good and the evil. But never was there a character that was not needed. Tammy's mother and Jamie's "sister" Stacey. Those were two of the more positive characters, Lloyd was another character who although we did not see a lot of was Jamie's "hero" in the beginning. He was someone I was truly thankful for in this story. The strong sense of family and love in this was beautiful and through the family, characters came alive for me.

If you want to believe everything in life is good and that children stay innocent and are always protected. Do not read this book! This book will point out the flaws in the world. It will show everything that would kill a child. It will break you and put you on the edge of your seat. It will show the journey of two abused children right into adulthood. It will show you the innocence and childishness of people who have suffered to the last. Who grew up too soon but never really grew up at all. It's a book that will never be matched and something the author should be proud of.

Laura Susan Johnson has written a beautiful book. It is a book that I could personally read again and again, and take something from it each time. Nothing but beautiful could describe it and although some of the topics are not beautiful the true love aspect is. I highly recommend this book. Read this and be prepared to change, it's not easy and may take some time to read. But this is one of those special books. Laura Susan Johnson is an amazing author and I cannot wait to read more and more from her. She has written a treasure and exposed the world to a magnificent story.

I am sorry for the long rant. But this book deserves every positive thing and more. I'm not sure I will ever be able to do this book justice. It all has to be said time and time again. The reviews that are here are proof of that. It will be a book that will get to the top eventually and it will be discussed more and more. I'm not sure any book will leave me with the same emotions as this one has. This one will always remain in my heart.


Read it and fall in love just like I did.

[♥Laddie♥ (Lee Lee) · Rating 5 out of 5]

For the first time since I began reviewing books on Goodreads I am damn near speechless. Damn near speechless and yet, at the same time, I want to tell every person how much this book moved me and how very much I think that they should read it. I want, with my whole heart, to beg them to read it.

How do I explain this love story? It's hard because there are so many things that the author touches on and deals with in this book and a lot of those things are the very opposite of love. Horrific things happen to our main characters, Tammy and Jamie. Things that made my heart weep, things that made my chest hurt, things that made bile churn in my stomach. Hard and heavy things happen to these two characters who I loved right from the beginning. These are atrocities that should never happen to an adult let alone a small child. I cried. Oh God, I cried.

These hard and heavy things? They were dealt with expertly and given the weight that they should have been given. I appreciated it and respected it. The feelings and the thoughts of a child that has been abused were completely believable. I have never read a M/M book that tackles these subjects so thoroughly and the author was completely and totally successful.

Tammy and Jamie. Beautifully complex and realized characters that broke me down with how much they went through. Jamie was so, so broken and yet so unbelievably strong. I mean STRONG. The kind of strength that you usually don't even see in adults but his soul was like steel from the moment he was born. And then there was Tammy. Tammy was a man who could have gone either way. He really could have but the man he turns out to be is a testament to the strength of the human spirit.

And then we have Tammy and Jamie's love. It was a love that was almost too big for the world. It has a distinct soulmate feel to it but it never feels light or sickly sweet because it is facing off against the sombre nature of the rest of the book. That doesn't mean these guy's love is easy though. It's not but it's worth it.

I want to talk about the end of the book so badly but I'm not going to. All I'm going to say is that it was a gift. It was something I wasn't sure I was going to get and when i did get it? It was like sunshine after a year of darkness.

It's very hard for books with angst to get five stars from me because I feel like most of them try to hard and force emotion. I'm very critical of books with angst but this book met and surpassed all of my expectations. Were there small things that might have been better? Yes but, to me, all of the things that were done just right totally eclipsed those things that could have been done better.

This is a book that I recommend to everyone. It's a scary undertaking, yes, because it is a heavy book but it's worth it. Please read it because it's worth it.

[Bookwatcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Probably this is one of the saddest book I ever read in my life, but I didn't drop neither one tear. Why?

I didn't have tears to cry, just pain.

I must start saying it's not a book for everyone
My noncon-dubcon tag is not enough to tell you this story will talk about rape, and the horrible consequences of it. It's worst... it's about two boys, that went through the unthinkable... child abuse.

It's a dark, but a MUST read romance for the follow reasons:

*Pretend it's not happening in the real world will not make this crime disappear. This story is brutal, but also full of hope and love. Jamie and Tammy, from childhood to adulthood, fighting to survive and pretend they are normal. But they aren't... their scars are so deep, so hard to hide. Can love heal both? There is hope, even in such desperate cases?

*It's also a story about unconditional love. Jamie want to love and be loved. He can't imagine Tammy, the school stud, not just is also attracted to him, but know what it to have the childhood interrupted by a sick adult. Jamie and Tammy love story is far from boring or a cliché. They are in love, and nothing, neither their hard past can stop both to try to be a couple.

*It's also a story about something unusual in a gay romance, it's also about God.
Jamie is a religious person. He believe in God, and he love Him/Her. For him God is what save him, gave him a loving foster father, gave him his beloved Tammy. There is a lot of religion in his narration, but don't worry, he is not trying to convert you to his religion... he is telling you, showing you why he is still alive, and why he believe and love God, even if he had all the reasons to never believe in Him/Her.

*Both will narrate the story, and it will give you a double dose of pain. As I said, I couldn't cry. I was numb, with so much pain and hate. I ache for them, and hate each time they cry. Even now, after I finish it I will hate everything both went through. I hate it is happening right now, while I'm writing this review somewhere in the world it's happening right now, to a very real person, not a fictional character as Jamie or Tammy.

I almost took one star because of the both point of view. Many chapters are the "repetition" of acts, but from different point of view. I said "almost" but as you may see I didn't took it out. The repetition is not a real copy and paste... many times, it was necessary, to show you how much they where in pain/joy, at the same moment. I notice I was having problem reading when both were sad, in pain, not while it was the narration of a happy moment. THAT was the moment I got it... it was really necessary! There is NO repetition, but an urge to show you, stress some points, to make you FEEL their pain/happiness.

I can't give less than 5 stars to this book and I must admit I wish I could reread it, but I can't. Maybe someday I will brave enough, but now I just.. can't.

PS:
If you are curious, and want to know if there is a happy end (that's the reason you are still in doubt if you should read it) click in the spoiler, I will tell youYes, after so much pain, they will have it, they happiness, and more... their own private heaven

[Debra ~~ seriously slacking on her reviews ~~ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was just emotionally draining, but underneath the horrific subject matter of this book is a beautiful love story. Be warned that the graphic, horrifying child abuse that is portrayed made the book very hard to read.

The story is told in alternating POV's of Jamie and Tammy from the time they are children up until they are in their 30's. While the chapters do not just rehash each other, the same events are often portrayed from each man's perspective. Both are abuse survivors. Jamie is rescued at age 13 after spending most of his life abused and then as a chained prisoner of his parents. Tammy also suffers abuse at the hands of a family member. Both boys handle their situations very differently.

While there are so many acts of hate and abuse perpetrated against Jamie and Tammy, there are also lifelong bonds of love and friendship that are forged. The love and support that Jamie and Tammy give each other is tender and heartwarming. I found the book tended to get a bit preachy towards the end, and would benefit from a bit of editing, but it is a very well written story that will stay with me for a very long time.

[SueM · Rating 5 out of 5]

Crush is a difficult book to both read and describe. Two young men, both abused by the people who they were supposed to be safe with, find their way to each other some 30 years after they first met. As they learn to deal with their past, struggle to trust each other, and perhaps find love together, both men find that their suffering has not yet ended.

This is definitely not a story for everyone - think of Matthew Shepherd and you'll have some idea of what this book contains. Yet for all the pain and violence, there is also a strong message of hope under it all, so while your heart aches for these two men, it is eased by the love and happiness they finally find together.

[*Nan* · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an amazing book! I am still sitting here is shock and in love w both Jaime and Tammy. I would love to be able to step into this book and give them a hug and tell them what special people they are.

[Elizabetta · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

Wow, the blurb doesn’t even begin to cover it.

The beginning:
Hold on. This is an unbelievably grim, wrenching depiction of two very young boys in extreme, brutal abuse and neglect at the hands of their parents and family. Some people should never have kids. If you can make it past these early years the story opens up into one of sweet yearning and angst when Tam and Jamie finally find each other. They are truly kindred spirits. What I especially liked was their portrayal as high schoolers. The uncertainty and awkwardness and the denial because of ignorance and fear seemed spot on. There’s a dark pall to it all however...these two damaged souls have a seemingly insurmountable challenge to finding their way towards happiness or at least, acceptance.

The word ‘crush’ is used often throughout the book and gives a theme and flavor to the storytelling:

Crush:

-to press, squeeze or reduce with force or violence, typically causing serious damage or injury; to violently subdue; to instill a feeling of overwhelming disappointment or embarrassment

-a crowd of people pressed closely together; a brief but intense infatuation for someone unattainable or inappropriate

-a crush video: videos depicting acts of wanton cruelty including torture and death towards animals or people

The question asked throughout the book: ‘How can anyone do something so horrific to a beautiful, innocent being?’ haunts as you are reading. Perhaps part of the answer is that they cannot find the beauty in themselves so they seek to destroy it in others. And this is what Jamie and Tam must do, set out to re-find that beauty before they themselves become perpetrators.

The middle:
The story worked best for me when it focused on Tam and Jamie together. The long sections when the two were apart while seemingly used to build the characters, didn’t serve the love story. They dragged the pacing down and were frustrating to read. The long discourses on hospital events were perplexing and distracting. It is dangerous when an author has knowledge of a specific skill, occupation, or experience because they can be tempted to teach or preach and this can interrupt the flow and dilute the impact of the core story if not well done. This is and yet another book that showed great promise in the first third and then got seriously bogged down.

The end:
The brutality returns as more horrors are visited upon Jamie (especially) and Tam. Buckle those seat belts again. When the resolution comes it is a very necessary and well earned relief and the reader is more than ready for it. The flavor of this last part of the book seems very much a chronicling of events and feelings so the story loses the lyricism of the early chapters, reducing the romanticism; and the end is way too long in coming.

The alternating POV changes (done by chapter) of repeated scenes could have alienated, but here, they are helpful. It’s illuminating to see each character’s impression of the events. It’s clear that the author felt it necessary to show, in detail, the process towards climbing out of a living nightmare, of how Jamie and Tam, both victims of sexual and psychological abuse, can work to help each other find forgiveness and renewal.

At the core, this is a deeply passionate love story at times heartbreaking and uplifting, and at times nicely written. My rating reflects its great need for restraint and pacing (in the middle and especially at the end), which would be found hopefully, with a good editor.

[Purplegirl · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, this was a really good book. I was in the mood for a deeper and emotional read and this fit the bill. Tammy and Jamie were soul mates and we are taken through their lives from very young children to adulthood and them finding each other again. They both suffered bad childhoods of abuse,loneliness and violence. Others have written more about the story so I won't go into that.

This book did make me feel for and connect with the characters. At times, there were too many unnecessary details and I felt that it dragged. The author was able to make somethings that usually do not sit well with me, work in this story. We get the story, alternating between Tammy and Jaime, and the same periods of times are rehashed but the author does it in a way that it is not just a straight retelling of the same time frame, you do get different bits and pieces from each person. The first part of the book is a flashback but it is not a typical flashback and actually added to the story. There are a lot of italics, which I am not a fan of, but in this book, they were necessary because there was a great deal of dialogue that Tammy and Jaime had with themselves. It was something that you would expect as they were both trying to get over their abusive childhoods.

I'm glad Tammy, Jaime and the rest of their family had a happy ending. They went through so much heartache that they deserved it. This was a solid 4 star read for me.

[Sheziss · Rating 4 out of 5]

She has a baby in her cart. He’s sitting in the baby seat like he’s supposed to be, his curly blonde hair like a halo, his soft baby legs dangling, one chubby little hand holding the railing in front of him, the other clutching a piece of Red Vine licorice. He’s looking at me, his face and hands coated in sweet, sticky licorice residue.

(…)

I stand on tiptoe again and kiss the baby’s licorice-coated cheek. He smiles, leans down over the safety bar in front of him, and kisses my mouth.

Love’s first kisses.

Then she takes him away from me.

Jamie is a two-year-old kid when he meets a four-year-old Tammy for the first time. They were meant to be one, but fate chooses to break them apart several times along their lives.



Two broken souls meant to be one.



Time goes on, and Jamie is broken by a Daddy that abuses him and a Mommy that beats him.



Time goes on, and Tammy is broken by his Uncle Price that abuses him and a Dad that behaves like he didn’t exist.



Jamie is a sad boy.



Tammy is an angry boy.



Broken by people who are meant to protect them, they meet again in their teens. But they are separated again. By cowardice, by terror, by no acceptance. To never be happy and never feel complete.



Destiny makes them meet again. And this time they are determined to not be apart never again. But hate is difficult to get over. Self-hate is even more difficult to erase.



The story is compelling. Mesmerizing. Addictive. Pure cocain. I couldn’t get enough. It had my heart in a fist in the first two pages. I felt so absorbed by the words that I couldn’t leave them for long. I was lost in Jamie’s sad smile. I was lost in Tammy’s angry acts. I was disgusted. I was enamored. I was hooked. It’s a brutal story. With no shades of gray. It was ugly. It was beautiful. It was magic.



I tried not to be dragged into sadness, but there were moments I really felt devastated. There were moments I could barely breathe...



It’s one of those couples meant to be together even before they’re born. Like Garrett Hedlund sings, “You can call it fate, or destiny. Sometimes it really seems it’s a mystery…”, and you REALLY feel that, there is no way to deny it. They paths cross several times during the years. But obstacles and bigotry and pain get them apart from each other. Their inner struggles catch you to never let go. Their thoughts attract you like a moth to a fire. Their feelings hurt but also heal. It’s a battle of opposites. Black and white.



The pov alternates between Jamie and Tammy. Although the episodes are repeated when the perspective is changed, I didn’t find it redundant. It felt right. You understand each of them from their own positions in the game. A game ruled by more than two players. The chess pieces are moved and we need to see the consequences on the two main victims from the perpetrators. The kings want to be together but their movements are aborted by other pieces, and by their own fears. Because two kings are not meant to exist in the same chess board. They are apart most of the game, and if they get to be together, jaque mate.



Jamie had been pursued his whole life. He was a toy for his parents. He was used, manipulated, abused. He lives in self-hate, in sickness. He’s a shadow whose spirit had been chased to be erased. But he survived. He is sad.

Tearfully he whispers, “I have a crush on you…”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Big crush?”
“Very big… yes…”
“You love me?”
“Yes,” he nods.
It bursts quietly from my heart, like a bullet, “I love you too…”

His life is dull but one day at church the most handsome boy on Earth takes his hand. That unforgiving minute ruins him. There would be no other than Tammy. He never missed anything until Tammy takes his hand. He is destroyed beyond repair and he knows it.

Every sound around us is suddenly muted, except for the water, splashing softly. His smile… oh my God… incredible… compelling… I’m powerless… My heart begins to tremble and skip as I feel my lips stretch wide in response. The palpitations tickle my ribs as we stare at each other, our smiles unchanging, but our eyes transforming. I see it in his, I feel it in mine. Our smiles follow the course of our eyes. Tammy gazes down at me, his eyes and lips gentle, soft, dreamy. He’s in a trance… it’s the same look I’ve caught in his eyes so many times lately… it’s here… now….

My eyes are locked with his, and this moment expands into a small forever…

Tammy was a happy boy till the day his uncle stopped using him. Tammy loved his uncle, and loved his touch. He only craved his uncle’s attention, physical and emotionally. But one day his uncle says no, and his devastation makes Tammy chase his uncle pursuing other little boys. He feels replaced. He feels like trash. He hates those little boys. He hates his cousin. He hates everything. He writes stories marked with hate. He begins to harm animals. He is angry.

His eyes paralyze me…
And he makes no effort to take his arms down…
He’s so close… too close…
I want to kiss him.
He’s trembling. I’m trembling.
Does he know how close I am…?
I see three terrifying words in his eyes as he stares up at me…
I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love with him.

His life changes when he is ashamed by his Pastor, the one who doesn’t acknowledge him as his son. He is embarrassed. So he turns into girls to forget the violence. One day he takes Jamie’s hand and nothing would ever be the same.

The most subtle movement, a tiny contraction of his hand around mine, and my focus is fully stolen from Yvette in spite of her iniquitous attentions. I turn my head to the right, remembering the odd little flutter that happened inside me when his fingers curled just a little tighter around mine for that instant. Our eyes meet a second time as he looks up at me. The contact lasts for a few beats, but time is stretched like a rubber band. Those huge eyes open impossibly wider for a split second, and I see something I can’t describe in words. I feel my stomach quiver again and his eyes close, his fingernails gently dig into the palm of my hand…

…and I can barely breathe…

I’ve seen him… I know him… Where have I seen him before…?!

There is very much hate in this book. Hate by people who don’t accept people who love people from the same sex. They talk about God a little too much. They talk about animal violence a little too much. They talk about abuse a little too much. I think sometimes it's excessive.



This is a story about how hate and violence take two people apart. It made me sick that two souls meant to be one have to be apart because of what the people surrounding them believe. How they hurt them. Crush them. I know, nothing new, really, but it’s fucked up. There is enough sadness and there is enough hate in the world, and in their hearts.

I don’t cry because of the pain.
I cry because I’m happy.
I cry because my dream has come true. Tammy is here. With me.
I cry because I’m afraid. Now I’ve given him my body. I’m his, and I know, deep down in a place I don’t consciously acknowledge, that if he breaks my heart, I’ll die.
If I fuck this up and lose him, it’s all over.

This book is brutal. Ruthless. Heartless. Cruel. Savage. Hopeless.

I watched… that’s all I had to do.
And now realization avalanches onto me.
It is a video depicting two adults defiling the body, and crushing the spirit of a beautiful, innocent child.
It is a crush video.

But it’s also beautiful. Precious. Compassionate. Inspiring. Heartening.

The cold penetrates every layer of me.
My hand tightens around my angel.
God, how I love you, he’d said that day.
I love you, Tammy, I said tonight. I’ll love you always. All my life.

I felt like my emotions were being played by some kind of puppeteer the whole book. But in a good way.

“I mean it, Tammy. I’m tired. I’m tired of living with this guilt. I can’t even have sex with you without remembering what they did to me. What they did gets into everything, taints it, ruins it. I can’t enjoy my life. I should never have gotten with you, because I knew, deep in my heart, something would ruin it. I should have stayed alone. At least I was able to get through my day without constantly reliving the torture…”

I can feel his pain, but my own is too great to cosset him right now.

“And I can’t even go back to being alone… not now. You’ve made your mark on me, Tammy. I’ll never again be able to live alone and semi-happy, able to push my mind past how it feels to be totally and pathetically in love with someone. I’ll never again be able to almost ignore how bad it hurts that I can’t have a normal life, ever.” I plaster my hands over my eyes and cry and cry. “Why did you have yo come home? I was doing okay… really I was…”

I’m breaking his heart… I know… but I can’t…

It’s difficult for me to find words when I loved the book too much. It’s easier to talk about the ones I don’t. It’s just describing my feelings and put them into letters is sort of turning copper into gold. I don’t have a magic touch to make things shine. I just can melt the copper and with luck it would be similar to a prettier metal. But I hope at least I could make something similar and transmit what the book make me feel.

[Grammar*Kitten · Rating 5 out of 5]

This novel surpasses almost every book I have ever read; I'm not entirely sure I could say I 'enjoyed' reading it, as the subject matter is at times very moving and upsetting. However, I have rarely, if ever, come across a book written in such a way that invoked such powerful reactions and emotions within me as a reader.

A bold, stunning, hard hitting, harrowing and yet delicate and tender story of two men who had been in love for a very long time, but had denied themselves each other due to fears of how their small town society would react. There are some very difficult to read passages dealing with child abuse, animal abuse and the emotional scars and impacts this has on the protagonists' lives later on; they are described quite graphically but are in no way gratuitous.

I have to confess that I had never been more convinced that a story would not have a 'happy ending' than I was reading this novel, yet the characters were that well written that I couldn't help hoping, against all odds, that love might triumph.

I won't tell you which won out - I'll beg you to support this fabulous author and purchase/read the book yourself!!

[Barb ~rede-2-read~ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the story of Jamie and Tammy (pronounced Temmy), a powerful, emotionally-charged gut-wrenching and painful story of their early lives, when each suffered from child sexual abuse, as well as their later years when they experienced hate crimes against gays. It is very dark and explicit in places, covering topics which many people cannot read, including incest and graphic rape and violence. But, it is very well done and necessary to the plot line.

The author tore me apart emotionally for the first 3/4 of this story, expertly and efficiently as she revealed what had happened to them. However, she spent the final 1/4 gently putting me back together as I got to see the full story of these two wonderful young men unfold. She did it with great skill and instilled a beautiful, spiritual message as well. I’m finding it hard to express how well written and powerful this story was and I may have to edit this in future, once my metabolism settles. I definitely highly recommend this story to those who can read it. Kudos to Laura Susan Johnson for this amazing work of fiction.

[Madison Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's difficult to think that this type of abuse actually happens, that such evil exists in the world. This is a painful read, but ultimately, quite a beautiful love story. I'm not sure that I could survive even a fraction of what Jamie suffers. Thank Heaven he finds love in the end and is able to overcome much of the self-loathing that continued to torment him even after the external abuse ended. I hope Jamie and Tam have many happy years ahead of them, and that when it's time for them to leave this world, they leave together peacefully.

[Kristy Maitz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know why authors have to write such painful and sad stories. I even asked my sister what she thinks and she answered "because a lot of people are ignorant and have to be informed", and sadly she is right.

Story plot was really shocking from my point of view. Both main characters Jamie and Tammy have horrible, horrible childhood and I wouldn't wish that for nobody.

I recommend that book to those who are prepared to read a story full of pain, suffering, sadness, hatred. Thank the God we are given happy ending if not I would be screaming right now.

[Cassie · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a terribly heartbreaking all to believable story. Crush will absolutely crush you, wring out all your emotions and stomp on them. Very well written story about love and a very real hate. Sickeningly, shockingly, brutally life altering events that happen all to often, but its also about love that is true, and powerful, lasting and strong, love that is said "will last the test of time ".

[Debbie McGowan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Crush is the most traumatic reading experience I've ever endured, and the first time I tried to read it, I had to stop because I couldn't stand the suffering. The blurb does make it clear that there is abuse detailed within, so it's no spoiler to comment on this, but it is worth mentioning that it is graphic. It is also entirely necessary to the story.

Once I got past the first couple of chapters, it was the most beautiful journey, getting to know the two main characters. They become real people very quickly, which makes their experiences all the more difficult to deal with as a reader, but worth it by the end of the book.

I can't say much more than this without spoiling the story, but what I will say is this: if like me you are overly sensitive to animal abuse, then you will be relieved to know that there is very little direct mention of this (if I can get through it, anyone can - I can't even watch animal cartoons without crying!). However, if you find child abuse unbearably distressing, then you may want to skip Chapter 2, but you MUST read this book. It's truly one of the most wonderful stories you will ever read.

[Nigel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably one of the most challenging books I have ever read.

There are some VERY difficult to read passages here but all completely necessary to tell the story.

Basically a story of two men in love kept apart through circumstance, bad timing and intolerance of small town America.

It's probably not giving too much away to say they do finally get together but the build up, subsequent relationship and final shocking scenario make this book compelling reading.

Certainly not for the feint of heart, this book is an exceptionally well crafted work of fiction that deals extremely well with issues most would shy away from. For this, Laura Johnson has to be congratulated.

readers in the UK may be interested to know that a UK English version is soon to be published at: http://www.beatentrackpublishing.com/... and is available now for pre-order.

Highly recommended for everyone over the age of 18 as long as you approach it with an open mind.

Thank you Laura for sharing your obvious talent.

[Jucilene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very sweet love story.

One of my favorite parts is when Jamie is petting one of his cats in his lap and Tammy to catch some attention for himself, mumbles: "I wish I could be this cat right know"



Who never wanted to be a cat one day?







Oh, and this! Lucky cat!!


More details about this book, please read this marvelous review, right here

Thanks for the rec, Cat-Trisha!

[Heather K (dentist in my spare time)]

WOW!!! Free on Smashwords with coupon code AY34Y until 10/26/13!!!

[Laura Susan Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

POSSIBLE SPOILERS...

Crush has reached 100 reviews as of Sept. 5, 2013 here on GR. I would like to do the 101st review of my novel from my author's POV.

I have considered what some readers have said about Crush. "Long...repetative...disturbing." Crush is a long read. There are 46 chapters. It is repetative. As human beings, when we've done something wrong, we rehash it in our heads, we feel guilt. Guilt does not magically disappear. Tammy speaks of his dog "Cotton" many many times throughout the book. He relives his guilt, an emotion that does not magically disappear no matter how badly we want it to. Jamie's guilt, the guilt that was injected into him during the hellish 7 years he spent being abused by his parents, does not magically go away.

Disturbing? You bet. I do not recommend Crush to anybody who is easily upset to the point of feeling tortured when they hear about child abuse on the news. I do not recommend Crush to people who are disturbed by the very mention of animal cruelty. I will assure everyone that all content dealing with animal abuse is VAGUELY written. There are no graphic details. There are only implications. The child abuse in contrast is written graphically, from the eyes of the children it is happening to. I am glad I wrote it in the first person POV because to me, it makes the characters human beings who know what is going on. I want to empathize, not just sympathize. Jamie and Tammy are fully human, not simply victims we hear about on the news whom we are helpless to reach out to. These things ARE happening to children, right now, all over our world, and I hate that.

I know there are people who will attempt to read Crush and find that they simply cannot do it. I was on AOL the other day and saw a link to an article about a man arrested for posession of sadistic child pornography. I did not click on it to read the article. Because it would have tortured me. I would not last 5 mins. as an animal rights activist who goes undercover to investigate and document evidence against the animal crush video industry. I am like many of you. These things torture me. All I can do is say a prayer for those who are being abused and murdered by people who are so cruel that the only explanation I can conjure up in my human mind is that they have no souls. They are the walking dead.

Crush is a story of survival, a story of overcoming being the victims of evil. Jamie and Tammy are gay. Their sexual orientation should have no say whether or not they deserve to be loved, comforted, and respected. They found each other, and it is not less than a miracle. In a world that threatens them for being who they are, they find strength, love and the presence of goodness and mercy.

Crush is an erotic story. Erotica is not evil. Sex is a bodily function. Sex with love is the best sex of all. Sex is a miracle, a gift. It is communication. It is wonderful, and this is coming from an asexual woman who has never had sex. Crush illustrates the difference between sex used as violence and sex used as communication between loving partners who are healing together. On their journey, Tammy and Jamie learn what it is to differentiate between self-punishment and the true joy of sexual union.

Crush has no intentions of indicting religion OR glorifying it. There is a vast difference between religion and the simple belief in a higher power. It will not shove any doctrine or set of beliefs down your throat.

I love Crush and even after reading it another time (the other day), I feel it. I see the repetative statements, thoughts and scenes, but I feel they belong there. I am looking for a clue that I've written it the wrong way, and can find none. Some of you will love this book, some of you will think it's alright, and some of you will hate it, whether you hate the story itself, or the execution of the story. I love anyone who tries to read it, whether or not they can finish, whether or not they end up hating it. Anyone who cannot read it will not be less of a person because they can't. Anyone who hates it or feels it is false has the right to feel anyway they want about it. We are all different. Our lives shape who we are.

Writing Crush has been one of my life's most wonderful experiences. I love Jamie, Tammy, Stacy, Peggy and their family/friends with all of my heart. While Crush is not a hugely revolutionary piece of gay fiction, it is timely in the era we're living in, and I am honored to have left a tiny piece of literature that will one day be considered a "period" piece. My only wish is that those who are homophobic, indoctrinated into hate, and narrow minded today would open this book and read it...and feel a change in their hearts that will lead them away from fear and hatred and ignorance.

Can love conquer hate? Yes, it can.

[Leigh Jarrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was conflicted as to whether or not I wanted to write a review of this book. Generally speaking, I don't tend to do so, but after waiting a week and allowing myself time to reflect on what I'd read I found myself needing to express my opinion. And it is just that; only my opinion. But I'm giving it because the story moved me and quite honestly, if I could write half as well as this author, I'd be overjoyed.

That being said, firstly, I must compliment the author on the choice of storyline. It was very bold and I appreciate an author that is willing to cross that line into subject matter that may make people uncomfortable, because the truth of the matter is abuse happens. It's nasty and it's ugly and it leaves scars; physical and emotional.

Secondly; overall I'm giving the book 4/5 stars because overall I enjoyed the author's telling of Tammy and Jamie's story. The writing was beautifully done throughout most of the book (I'll come back to this later), pulling me into what these two men were experiencing and the struggles they were having in regards to their feelings for each other, and within themselves. There were many scenes that had me in tears, and others that upset me enough to set the book down to come back on later. Both good things.

My gripes. And I only mention these because I feel as though this book could've done really well commercially if (as an Indie author myself, I can't believe I'm saying this) a professional editor/publisher had got their hands on it. (I'm making an assumption here. If there was a professional editor involved, I apologize. You can smack me next time you see me.) Bottom line; it pains me to see a book this well written being sold on Smashwords for a measly $1.99. (It was on sale when I purchased it.) But, in my opinion, this book would've benefited from an emotionally disinterested third party pulling it apart and putting it back together again. If I had to rate this aspect of the book separately, I would only give it 2.5/5 stars.

I'll start with the gripe that bothers me the most, being that, in places, I felt as if I were being preached to; politically. It's obvious that the author is passionate about the real world parallels that exist and I applaud that, but those parallels and their accompanying causes and the author's personal viewpoints on them were expounded to the point I ended up skimming. I hate being forced to skim as I know firsthand how carefully each word in a piece of text is examined and weighed by the author. And that leads me to my second gripe.

Far, far too long. There were large sections of what appeared to be hurried text amongst the beautiful pieces, which pulled me away from the story. Sections that were essentially unnecessary; repeating information we'd been told already, sometimes more than twice. And I think the author knew that, hence the discrepancy in style. Also, I got the impression I was being taken on a spiritual journey with the author as they tried to fully express everything they were personally feeling in regards to the disturbing portions of content as it was being reflected upon in later text. As an author myself, I can appreciate the emotional toll writing a book like this might take on a person, but I don't want to sense it in the writing. I prefer imagining a story just 'is' and wasn't written by anyone in particular.

All in all, I certainly hope this isn't the last book this author writes as I got the distinct impression they invested a lot of emotional energy into this one and may not have any more to give. That would be truly upsetting as I'd like to read more.

[Tracy~Bayou Book Junkie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Worth much more than 5 stars!

Jamie is severely abused at the hands of his parents, from the time he is 6. They perform unspeakable and evil acts upon him. until he is 13 and is adopted by the police officer who rescues him.

Tammy is the product of an affair with a married pastor. His father never acknowledges him. He has no father figure except his uncle, who molests him.
Tammy is just freakishly scary.
Once his Aunt gets pregnant his uncle stops molesting and paying attention to him. Tammy feels abandoned and becomes jealous and enraged and even thinks of ways to kill his new baby cousin. He goes through a couple of years of performing some really evil deeds. This kid had all the makings to grow up a serial killer. Once in High school he turns to sex as a coping mechanism.

At the age of 13, after Jamie is adopted. He enters his freshman year of High school, and meets Tammy, who a Senior. Tammy has become the all American jock and all around manwh@re.
They are attracted to each other and fall in love. This love scares Tammy who has never considered himself gay. The night Tammy graduates they kiss for the 1st time. Tammy leaves the next day for college without even a goodbye.

Tammy returns 16 years later when his mom is hospitalized after a fall. He meets Jamie again, who is now a nurse. They get reacquainted. They fall in love all over again. Horrific events threaten to wrench them apart. Will they survive all the trials and tribulations , and if so will they make it through in one piece?

This book is very difficult read, not because it's not an excellent book, but just to read the terrible, evil things that are done to these boys, especially Jamie as a child, and also the horrible and cruel things Jamie is made to suffer as and adolescent and a young man.
I know this is a work of fiction, but it is still so sad that there are such evil people on this earth that would abuse a child and condemn a man for loving another man. This book is very graphic in some of the details of the abuse Jamie receives, but the author handled it beautifully.

This is a true love story and the love Jamie and Tammy have for one another is breathtaking. This book is difficult to read at times, but I promise it ends well and you won't regret picking it up. The horrific acts are worth getting through to get to read of the love these two men share. To read of how they work together to help each other heal and fight their daemons. This book will take you on a true emotional roller coaster. It will make you sad, angry, happy, and a host of other emotions.

I highly recommend this book. This is my 1st book by this author, but I am looking forward to reading more of her work in the future.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

From my old review of July 2011. I read a manuscript. I have not read final published book, but I bought it again recently.

***

This book is at first glance just another story about gay men struggling with their sexuality and having to come to grips with the reality of hate in a world that isn't ready for them. The themes are pretty familiar, hate, bashing, support and colorful rainbows. Jamie is a character that wears his heart on his sleeve and often goes up on a soapbox to tell you his beliefs. (This is not a complaint as it gives a character a personality)

Far beyond just a gay romance, "CRUSH" is a vastly emotional portrait of two human beings who, like all of us, are in search of love and trying to figure out who they are. What struck me is the raw honesty with which the author writes as she creates these characters. They are not saints or angels, but they are not monsters either. They are simply people. And not everything about them is lovable.

I could definitely relate to the characters. They each resembled someone I have known. They are alive and beautiful, and their story, while on the surface seems very familiar, even cliched at times, struck me with its originality. It's deceptively simple premise conceals an astonishingly complex and intricate odyssey through the heartbreak of child abuse, the loss of identity, the miracle of love, and the recovery of self. What sets "CRUSH" apart from other gay stories is that instead of flamboyant, glamorous guys who frequent gay nightclubs, you have two ordinary everyday guys who are simply struggling to survive. There are some very erotic moments, but where other gay fiction seems to lack emotional impact, "Crush" feels supremely, almost unbearably emotional, going far beyond ordinary shallow sexuality and going where most fear to tread, deep into the recesses of the childhood and adulthood closets, where the skeletons that dictate our behaviors lurk. You can't help but wonder if Jamie will ever conquer the horror that his parents left him in, or if Tammy will ever fully have Jamie's trust, and vice versa.

There will be those who feel that the book provides an unfair depiction of Christians. I didn't really feel that. I felt that Jamie and Tammy were just frustrated and rejected by the faith they were raised in. All through the book they seek answers from a higher power, and I found that quite touching.

All in all, I enjoyed reading "CRUSH." It is a different and refreshing m/m gay story.

[Jay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully and vividly written - this reader could at times feel the emotions while reading: the pain, the hurt, the heartache, the tears; the humor, the laughs, the ecstasy, the lust, and the joy. This reader loves how the same story is told by both of the main protagonists, each with a different experience and perspective. The story felt a bit like housekeeping towards the end, but this reader feels like it was necessary so the author could close up the story in its entirety.

One thing that this reader especially enjoyed was how the author did not write *yet* another contemporary gay fiction - it felt hauntingly real, a heart wrenching story between two ordinary men who are simply in love with each other despite the hardship, the violence, the misunderstanding, the fear, and the hatred. In a society where the "out and proud" gays are becoming more and more visible, it is outright disappointing and disgusting that such mistreatment, atrocity and bigotry still exist in real life.

As someone who has studied psychology, it was an interesting experience reading about the author's vivid description of how the two antagonists, each endured unspeakable abuse during their childhood, have various manifestations of their experiences throughout their life journey - how they caused Tam's acting out and acts of violence/abuse as a child, how Tam and (especially) Jaime have issues with trust and intimacy as adults, and so on.

The animal advocacy component of the story, while feeling like the author's personal passion, acts as a major piece of the puzzle in the story for this reader, as it not only allows the readers to get to know the antagonists even more intimately, but it also establishes a very important message - that Tammy and Jaime are no different from your friends or next door neighbors, that they're just humans who happen to defy the cultural norms and expectations. This reader got to know Tammy and Jaime (in their adulthood) as caring, kind, empathetic and compassionate individuals.

This reader would like to thank the author for writing such a beautiful and moving story - it is not only a gem among fictions, but it is also a light of hope for all those gay boys out there who's looking for love and acceptance, who constantly feel like they don't fit in.

[Cindy Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is GREAT but is not for everyone. The subject matter and sexual descriptions make it more of an adult book.


I had no idea what this book was about before I started it. I just liked the cover. Well, I was certainly surprised! I always finish any book I start and with this one, I am glad I did!

The descriptions of the abuse of Jamie was very hard for me to read. It hurts my heart to know that this is not truly fiction...it does happen and people do pay to own videos of these perverse acts. Tammy's abuse was also evil. His Uncle exploited Tammy's need for love to satisfy his own lust.

This story deals with how both of them try to cope with their abuse without letting it take over their lives.

The sexual situations are explicit. But, they do not detract from this story, they enhance it. It shows the difference between true love and lustful acts.

Heartbreaking that people were upset about the video depicting a very young Jamie having sex with his father and being abused by his mother--not because of the abuse but because Jamie appeared to be enjoying it! Not even registering Jamie's age or physical condition! So sad that this is so true.

Amazing that both Jamie and Tammy are able to rise above their past and the bias of their hometown to find their love.

[Exiled · Rating 5 out of 5]

That was the most heart-shattering book I've ever read. I think I've really felt my heart broke & I couldn't even cry!
The rape scenes left me shaking, But the love of Tammy and Jamie gives you the hope you always need to continue the book.

[Urbanista · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why is this free? Two damaged you men with enduring spirits spend half a lifetime apart. Even though it was love at first sight when Tammie was four and Jamie was two. Baby Jamie shared that instant infant delight in a grocery store checkout line, with little Tammie, who was charmed by Jamie's baby sweetness. This is a great scene, two adorable little ones who connect instantly, the way small children often do. This scene in their infancy makes their subsequent torture and abuses harder to endure. I had to stop reading at one point, but the first person POV actually makes it easier to read. Both boys have only a child's understanding of what is being done to them; we share their self-preserving distance from the horrid circumstances.

Even so, Jamie's situation is so horrendous, that I marveled at the author's ability to give a first person account of it. The ensuring emotionalism is somehow appropriate, there is much weeping, virulent and pointless hatred, and a terrifying arc of violence. Jamie and Tammy handle there abuse in different ways. Tammy travels a road of guilt and remorse that leads him to good works. Jamie buries his pain In a morass of smoking, drinking, self mutilation and near anorexia.

I hope I don't sound too off the wall when I say that this book reminds me s bit of Toni Morrison's [book:Beloved|6149. Johnson is a fine writer, but hardly at Morrison's level. So how are the books similar? Beloved takes you on a journey through the emotional pain of slavery, and I think crush travels a similar path through the nightmare of child abuse. Both are sometimes unbearable to read--but we can't look away.

[Manuela · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book but not everything worked for me. I really liked the first part, the developing of the two main characters from kids to teenagers to adults. Surprisingly I instead had issues with the second part, the one in which the characters are finally together. I found some of the dialogue between them a little too over the top, too melodramatic, and some things didn't ring believable because too exaggerated. The secondary characters, especially the villains, could have been developed better, they were too one dimensional, with one exception to me which is Loyd. I really loved him and his relationship with Jamie. Some of their moments together were the things that really got me emotional.
Even though the book wasn't perfect, overall I enjoyed reading it and I'm glad I did. Tammy and Jamie's journey is worth reading, interesting and engaging, especially Jamie's because I found his to be the most difficult, even though Tammy too went through some unpleasant things in life. One thing that I really loved is that they were always there for each other once they got together. There are a few misunderstandings and a lot of issues because of Jamie's past in particular, but they stick together through it all.

[Patsy · Rating 5 out of 5]

We both love this book, although reading a book that hits so close to home is always a challenge. After reading a book about survivors of child abuse, I always reach for "brain candy" to help me forget the horror I just read. Let's face it. We live in a mean and ugly world. Who can blame us for wanting to escape.

Crush is bearable because in spite of the horror and ugliness within, there is also love, courage and beauty. There are a few laughs too, to add some comic relief. Mostly though, Crush is a hard read, an unflinching look at the evil of child abuse. Jamie is victimized by pure evil, while Tammy is manipulated by a different kind of pure evil. But in their world of darkness and despair, they find each other. Their love story is a miracle. Love does not cure all ills or solve all problems, but when you have someone close to you who shares your sorrows and your moments of happiness, when you have someone who truly loves you, it makes the differentce, literally between life and death.

[Michelle MacIsaac · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never read a book like this. Part gay erotica, part dramatic character study, but the prose is almost like an autobiography or memoir, but with two narrators. I was very moved by their story. There was such tragedy and sadness in the lives of Jamie and Tam, and they learn that it takes enormous courage to face the opposition and hostility directed at them, just because they are in love. I love the writer's style, very simply spoken, yet richly detailed and intimate. I don't want to reveal a lot about the plot. Before pursuing the purchase of this book, I read some information about it. There is some very difficult and touchy content in this book, besides being quite erotic, but the author handles all of the unpleasant issues with a caring touch. The issues are clearly very close to her heart, but she balances the seriousness with light humour and even some laugh out loud funniness. I am very glad to have this book in my collection. Very impressed.