I Can Pee on This and Other Poems by Cats

by Francesco Marciuliano

Cat lovers will laugh out loud at the quirkiness of their feline friends with these insightful and curious poems from the singular minds of housecats.

In this hilarious book of tongue-in-cheek poetry, the author of the internationally syndicated comic strip Sally Forth helps cats unlock their creative potential and explain their odd behaviour to ignorant humans.

With titles like "Who Is That on Your Lap?," "This Is My Chair," "Kneel Before Me," "Nudge," and "Some of My Best Friends Are Dogs," the poems collected in I Could Pee on This perfectly capture the inner workings of the cat psyche.

With photos of the cat authors throughout, this whimsical volume reveals kitties at their wackiest, and most exasperating (but always lovable).

Genres: Poetry, Humor, Cats, Animals, Nonfiction, Comedy, Adult

Unknown Binding

First published January 1, 2012

About the author

Francesco Marciuliano...
Pens the comic strips Sally Forth and Medium Large.
Has written for the Onion News Network, Smosh, McSweeney’s, and had a play produced at the New York International Fringe Festival.
Served as head writer for the PBS series SeeMore's Playhouse (for which his script won two regional Emmys).
Was afraid of the color yellow until about age nine.
Tans a little too well to be trusted by security.

Reviews

[karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

HAPPY POETRY MONTH!

april is national poetry month,
so here come thirty floats!
the cynics here will call this plan
a shameless grab for votes.
and maybe there’s some truth to that—
i do love validation,
but charitably consider it
a rhyme-y celebration.
i don’t intend to flood your feed—
i’ll just post one a day.
endure four weeks of reruns
and then it will be may!

**************************

another stupid book i feel i need to own! i saw this one at BEA, but they didn't have any free copies because they knew i would buy it eventually - they knew! so i glumly accepted my promotional postcard, and waited for it to come out, and here we are.

i am glum no longer!! it is cats!! writing poems!! real cats!! with pictures of cats!! this calls to me like candy!! i exclaim!!

some of the cats are better at writing poems than others, to be sure, and they are written in a variety of forms, showing the true diversity of cat-poets. but what i have learned is that cats abhor punctuation, which is strange. there are no periods at the end of any of the lines, which is curious.it's not like i don't understand what the poems mean without punctuation, it is just an unusual oversight.

here are some of my favorites. i will include pictures of cats, but not the same cats from the book, because i don't want to give you too many spoilers, and i managed to find a place on the internet where there were pictures of cats. i have amazing reseach abilities.



sushi

did you really think
that you could hide fish in rice?
oh, the green paste burns!




nudge

nudge
nudge nudge nudge
nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge nudge
nudge
your glass just shattered on the floor



tiny boxes

tiny boxes
play and hide
tiny boxes
squeeze inside
tiny boxes
cozy here
tiny boxes
paw in ear
tiny boxes
stuck
STUCK
STUCK!!!
tiny boxes
little help?



that top shelf

i think i can jump to that top shelf
i want to jump to that top shelf
i know i can jump to that top shelf
i am jumping to that top shelf
i missed that top shelf by a good six feet
and now everything is on the floor
and i'm left wondering
why people even bother buying china
if it breaks so easily



did you know

did you know?
did you see?
did you count?
how many times
i had to smack that moth
on your forehead
with my paw?
it was like a thousand
he's dead now, though
definitely dead
one more smack
you're welcome



this is my chair

this is my chair
this is my couch
this is my bed
this is my bench
this is my chaise
this is my setee
those are my footstools
those are my rugs
everyhere is my place to sleep
perhaps you should just get a hotel room


this one is just terrifying. why has there never been a lifetime movie about the sinister relationship between cats and women??



unbridled love

i knead your chest with my sharp claws
to show you my affection
i bite your arm and don't let go
to show you adoration
i walk across your throat at night
because i want to say "hello!"
i leap from high upon your crotch
because i miss you so
i trip you when you walk down the stairs
so you know i'm always near
i sit on your face and block all your air
so my absence you need not fear
i show my love in so many ways
my devotion runneth over
so i don't know why when i approach
you duck and run for cover

there are many more wonderful poems within!! be a sucker like me!!

and if you are a dog lover, please go here

come to my blog!

[Majenta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Adorable!

[Jason Koivu · Rating 5 out of 5]

This really makes you think...and wanna smoosh fuzzy faces!!! Yes, these cat-penned poems are structurally unsound (The iambic pentameter is a mess!), but oh how ADORABLE! You really have to be quite impressed with their mastery of the English language, and did they dictate these or can they type as well? Oh the SQUEEE of it all!!!

Though perhaps this collection poses more questions than answers, it is thoroughly enjoyable. I mean, to see into the inner thoughts of a feline and really feel their true emotions is something special. But don't take my word for it...


"I Lick Your Nose"

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me


Pure genius!


And now, an irresistibly cute kitten!

[Reynje · Rating 4 out of 5]

And yet, somehow I am still a cat person.

[Kelly (and the Book Boar) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Find all of my reviews at: http://52bookminimum.blogspot.com/

My plan for this evening was to read the second volume of Locke and Key - but then this happened . . .



So I decided to give I Could Pee on This a gander in order to prevent interrupting the cat's 14th nap of the day.

Many of you are probably aware that I really like odd little books. You may also know that I have a fondness for animals - both living and dead. What you may be worried about is what happens to my pets when they cross over the Rainbow Bridge. Rest your minds, I don't stuff them and mount them on the wall. Instead I cremate them, put them up on the bookshelf, and add their picture along with a tribute book next to their cremains. Our dead cat's (Vinnie Van Gogh - RIP) book had been How to Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting to Kill You, but My Dog the Paradox was up there next to the dead dog and it was getting to be a bit too "Oatmealish" for one shelf.

Although the poems contained in this little book weren't all winners, it still provided some ha-has and will hopefully reduce a bit of that "oh my God, how F'd up are you with this room of doom?!?!?!?!" that some experience upon entering my house.

Faves included . . .


(Duh, right?)

"Self Affirmation"

(Had to use a stuntcat for this image - remember, napping was in progress)

and "Your Keyboard"


'Cause if your house is anything like my house, once you try to sit down at the computer in order to blog out a Pulitzer worthy book review your cat does this . . .



Recommended as a gift for your weird catlady friend : )

Oh and in case you're wondering, I can read my graphic novel now. I just can't put my p.j.s on because of . . .



Yep. Napping is happening on top of them. Look - he cloned himself!

[Manny · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book

You can't eat it.
You can't kill it.
You can't tear it to pieces.
So what's all the fuss about?
Wake me when you've figured it out.

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've ever been "owned" by a feline friend, you'll appreciate and enjoy this book of poems narrated by a cat. Many are laugh-out-loud funny and oh so true!

. Over many decades of living with these supreme creatures, I have received many little gifts....alive and dead, have witnessed quite a few hairball episodes, and caught Maggie just a week ago dipping her paw into my just poured glass of milk. (they are so dam fast and sneaky) My favorite verse besides "Nudge" is "I'm Not Paranoid"...... if you've ever had to give a cat a pill, you will totally understand......cracked me up!

Clever and amusing, these 114 short pages bring smiles and laughter, but one subject (dear to my hands) was missing......trimming cat claws. Suggested Title: SNIP-SCRATCH-BITE.....SNIP-SCRATCH-BITE.....SNIP-SCRATCH-BITE======Ouch! (smile)

[Marvin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book to my three cats and a guest cat. Here are their (mostly) unsolicited comments.

"T. S Eliot, eat yer heart out." - Maslow the Wonder Cat

"A book of great social relevance...because I peed on it." - Ashley

"The book needs more poems and less fur" - Mojo Jojo the Sphinx

"Screw the book. Where's dinner?" - Fanci

This is a very funny book with poems by very talented cats, who actually know how to spell. Each poem catches a particular feline nuance that will be instantly recognizable to the cat person...

Closed Doors
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN
LET ME IN LET ME I_
Oh, uh, hello
I didn't expect an answer
I did not expect an entrance
I did not expect this room to be
so unbelievably dull
So, uh, goodbye

If you think that is hilarious, you are a cat person and need this book. If you don't, I hope you love your dog.

OK, so it is not T. S. Eliot. But what did he know about cats anyways? As Maslow once said, "Any one who names a cat Rum Tum Tugger needs a hairball in their shoes."

[Ellen Gail · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't feel fully qualified to review a book of poetry written by cats, so for this review I will be turning things over to my feline masters, Penny & Chloe. Take it away, furballs!

Chloe



I could not eat it.
Very nice to rub my face and butt against.

Oh. The human says I should write more. She seemed fairly amused by it. All I know is, she was enjoying something that wasn't me. I planted myself on her chest and stuck my butt in her face to remind her of the glory of my furry hindquarters in comparison, which oddly did not persuade her. Although, if the human likes it, it must be worth something. After all, she likes me and I'm the greatest thing on the entire planet.

Penny



It is kind of the human to offer me the chance to contribute to the internets that she spends all day on, however I must decline. As I inspired "Nectar of the Gods", extolling my unparalleled love of sink water, it would be unethical of me to review this. If you are able though, I could use some aid in convincing the human to run the fountain of joy 24/7. The cat water fountain in the kitchen just tastes different. Too watery.

Now, if you will excuse us, Chloe and I have a very important nap to attend to.

[Flo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Suck on that, Baudelaire. Now this is what I call real, heartfelt poetry. Cats had the need of explaining themselves, of sharing their thoughts and feelings through these amazing poems. Outstanding work, honestly.
One of my favorites was:

WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?

Why are you screaming?
What did I do wrong?
Why are you crying?
How can I make it right?
Would you like it in a different color?
Would you like it in a different size?
Would you like it in a different room?
I just wanted to show my love
I just wanted to express my thanks
I just wanted to put a dead mouse on your sheets
But now you are screaming
And I don't know how to make you stop

It reminded me of a good anecdote that I have already mentioned: when my cat broke that 80 year-old set of cups. Now, I can picture him looking at me saying “Why are you screaming? What did I do wrong?”.
Oh, wait, this one describes the scene beautifully:

THAT TOP SHELF

I think I can jump to that top shelf
I want to jump to that top shelf
I know I can jump to that top shelf
I am jumping to that top shelf
I missed that top shelf by a good six feet
And now everything is on the floor
And I'm left wondering
Why people even bother buying china
If it breaks so easily

Another one that I liked was “Separation”. It is a touching poem about love and jealousy. When I think of jealousy I think of Othello, but recently, while reading Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, I found an interesting passage that explained how Othello actually was a trustful man, according to Pushkin. People pushed the idea of deceit on him simply too much. That does not happen with the truly jealous man, who is ready to hide, spy and do shameful things that reach the point of moral degradation. Anyway, it is an interesting point of view, and cats are also capable of these kind of thinking process. Hence, this poem:

SEPARATION

You can have the CDs,
I will take the string
You can have the TV,
I will take this fuzzy thing
You can have the kitchen set,
I will take this crumpled foil
You can have the car,
I will keep this rug I soil
You can have the beach house,
I will take this tissue box
You can have everything,
Ooo I want those dirty socks
You can go to hell, I will see to that
For how dare you come home
smelling of another cat?

There are more of these powerful poems that show us how cats are affected by, say, a move, a leash (“The Leash”, so funny), a castration (“Seriously”, hilarious), a bath, an irritated human look because he almost falls thanks to a cat between the legs (when that is just another way to show affection, unless the cat is really trying to kill you. For more tips, read this one).

It is not just about family, these talented felines also wrote poems about
work


play


and existence.


It is a charming little book with hilarious poems written by talented kitties. What more do you want? After reading this, you will be able to look at your cat straight in the eyes and say: “I get it. I really do get it... furry face.”



July 23, 14
* Also on my blog.
** Credit: All photos from I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats by Francesco Marciuliano
*** Other works:
Claw The System: Poems From The Cat Uprising

I Could Chew on This: And Other Poems by Dogs

[Hester · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review written by Hester's cat Molly:

WHAT ARE YOU READING? WHY AREN'T YOU STARING AT ME? Maybe if I get between you and that book you'll look at me instead. Why are you laughing. I didn't do anything funny? Go clean my litter box or I'll poop next to it again. Oops I already did. I guess I'll just go over here and lick myself. I'll try to get between you and the book again. I want attention, I want attention, I want attention. Did I scratch you? Well, good, you deserved it.

Oh you're done? YAY! Sitting here with you is boring. I think I'll go find some dirt and dust to lick up and then vomit and then watch you clean it up.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cat owners must own a copy for the coffee table. That’s just not negotiable. You will recognize so many of the behaviors and attitudes mentioned here. This is a humor book rather than a poetry collection, so the quality of the poems (all from the point-of-view of a cat) is kind of neither here nor there. Even so, Chapter 1 is a lot better than the other three and contains most of the purely hilarious verses, like “I Lick Your Nose” and “Closed Door.” Favorite lines include “I trip you when you walk down the stairs / So you know I’m always near” and “I said I could sit on your lap forever / Don’t you even think of trying to get up / Well, you should have gone to the bathroom beforehand”. “Sushi” is a perfect haiku with a kicker of a last line: “Did you really think / That you could hide fish in rice? / Oh, the green paste burns!”

[Bea · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5 stars!

This was super cute! A really quick read of poetry about cats, written by cats :)

[Lisa Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

You guys I can’t. 😂 Read this book of poems to my cat, Luna. She approves.

[Debbie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cat lovers shouldn’t miss this little gem—hysterical and wise short poems recited by the ever-cool cat. Calling it a “fast read” is an understatement—it will take you all of 15 minutes, at most, to read it. Well, you might stop to savor some of the poems a little longer, but it’s still over way before you want it to be. And you will laugh, even if you’re having a bad day.

The aloof but dear, brilliant creatures tell us all about their adventures with toys and why they end up tearing the house apart (sometimes innocently, sometimes not). They explain, in few words, how we should meet their many needs. We see the world through their eyes, and it confirms what we already know: they’re quirky geniuses who entertain us without even trying.

In one poem, a cat tells us how relocating is just not okay. The confused guy asks, “How did the kitchen move across the floor? Who changed all the homes outside? Why are you mispronouncing ‘Georgia’ as ‘New York’?”

Here’s one complete poem:

“I lick your nose. I lick your nose again. I drag my claws down your eyelids. Oh, you’re up? Feed me.”

A super cool little book, with many high-quality photos of cats included. My daughter gave me this book for Mother’s Day. It’s a great gift for yourself and for your favorite cat lovers. 5 stars, without question.

[Montzalee Wittmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

ADORABLE!!!

This book is so delightful and so real! I am sure if my cats could talk they would relate to these poems...I know I could for them. What a fun book to read! I got this at the library and now I am going to see if they will get the second book!

[Sad Sunday (Books? Me?!? NEVER!!!) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why I don't have a cat?
Cats are funny, smart and great as Easter bunny,
They are crazy, fat and lazy,
Climbing curtains fast as poison ivy.
Damn, why I don't have one?

SadSunday.

Funny book to all cat lovers (and cats, of course). But it lacked something really gripping to be fully interesting. A finer length would have been appreciated.

[C. (Comment, never msg). · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love that my Mom, usually sentimental, bought me a humour book. It has a beautiful orange & white cat cover, like our babies who are mainly orange and a cheeky title; neither of which Mom could resist. It seems like there is an abundance of cat material because they make evocative mystery book covers. In reality, there is too little offered in books directly about cats, versus what is churned out about dogs. The few times I have obtained cat poetry books, there was filler from redundant ancient sources. Cat Moms are especially done with tolerating the expected, archaic fucking joke; purporting that cats are disdainful, have no zest for anything, and that they do not adore us mutually.

It is unfunny and there are too few genuine cat poetry books, to waste on a portrayal of cats with this bullshit stereotype. This 2012 miniature size hardcover, “I Could Pee On This And Other Poems By Cats” by Francesco Marciuliano, did worse than commit the inclusion of one poem about that purported lazy, uncaring position. It was the notion of every poem in this book and even more disgusting; the idea of our feline children hoping to kill us. It received two stars for a tap drinking sweetheart, who is identical to our son, Spirit, just ascended to Heaven.

None of our cats ever peed anywhere but in soil or litter. I know it is a behavioural message in certain cases. All of our cats “sit” and perform innumerable tasks, with the desire to participate eagerly and stunning comprehension of everything we say. They sleep and read with us in bed, walk with us in the yard, and run to us whenever we call. I have never felt more powerful love than I do from every one of them.

[Bea · Rating 3 out of 5]

As poems, the form and style are poor. As thoughts of a cat, they sound pretty darn true. A few spoke to me while most were meh. It's a cute concept and conceit, so-so execution. The photographs complemented the poems while being a mix of cute and funny.

[Sheida · Rating 2 out of 5]

I mean ... I /chose/ to read a collection of poems written "by" cats so really, who's to blame here?

[Amy (Other Amy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes when I lie on your warm chest
And hear your every happy sigh
I gaze into your two kind eyes
And wonder, "Who is that?"
- Cat Epigram

Who could resist a title like I Could Pee on This And Other Poems by Cats? Not this reader. I picked this up for the LOLs, but honestly, I have to say, some of it makes rather good poetry as well. I think I'm going to have to buy this.

I had intended to do a more serious/parody lit crit kind of review, but my spunk seems to have deserted me today. Maybe on a re-read. For now, here are two of my favorites.

"Then All Went Dark"
I'M BLIND!
Oh, wait, I'm not
I'M BLIND!
No, my vision is clear
I'M BLIND!
But now I see you
I'M BLIND!
And there you are again.
I'M BLIND!
What is going ... Wait,
is that your hand over my eyes?

"Busy, Busy"
It's 8 A.M. and time to rest
It's 10 A.M. and time to relax
It's noon and time for repose
It's 3 P.M. and time for shut-eye
It's 6 P.M. and time for siesta
It's 9 P.M. and time to slumber
It's midnight and time to snooze
It's 4 A.M. and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

[Isa · Rating 3 out of 5]

Basically...



...cats are assholes.

[Klinta · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has poems and story like poems about cat life and struggles. It is witty and funny compilation and probably many cat owners and/or lovers would like this book a lot, because much of it is true or gives and 'insight' into what cat is thinking while doing some of the things they do. It is meant as funny and cute novelty book and it hits the mark very well.

It was a gift from my friend Unda and it was such a lovely surprise, I will definitely reread some of the poems time after time. Unda's favourite poem is 'I lick your nose', but mine - 'Cute bed jump'.

[Kaethe · Rating 5 out of 5]

25 December 2015

you're only going to receive one book for Christmas, it had better be a good one. Funny, with cats in is a good bet. Thanks, Sweetie.

***

Boris and Natasha are splendid cat names. Eliot is correct about the importance of cat names. Bonus points for last names. Longer names are more amusing. Honorifics, titles, ranks are all impressive additions.

[Josh Girard · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was amusing, some of the poems I laughed a lot. I liked it because i've never heard of a book written in a cat's view and it was a poem book.

[Amanda Schell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought it was cute, it was a little on the simple side and maybe they could have taken it a step further but perhaps they themselves viewed the cat as a simple creature??

[max theodore · Rating 5 out of 5]

look i never said it was hard to make me laugh.

[Zade · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm really sad that I bought this book for my daughter for Christmas and can't keep it for myself. Yes, I stopped wrapping gifts and read through the whole thing (not a huge interruption, but still not what I was meant to be doing). If you're a cat person, or a person who's lived with a cat for any time, you'll recognize the truth in these poems. The photos are darling, too.

I read a couple of poems aloud to my dog and he thinks they get the arrogance and contempt of cats just right, although he did make an exception for our special needs cat, whom he finds innocuous if not actually pleasant.

[Ivonne Rovira · Rating 4 out of 5]

Cat lovers and cat haters agree on little, but they would agree on this collection of poems, ostensibly written by cats themselves. Cat lovers would fondly recognize the eccentricities and foibles of their beloved companions; cat haters will be reminded of all of the feline traits they most despise.

My cat Miyabi was rescued after living as a near-feral cat outside a Paducah, Kentucky, hotel for at least a year. He’s still a bit traumatized, and the poem “Unbridled Love” could have been written by him:

I knead your chest with my sharp claws
To show you my affection
I bite your arm and don’t let go
To show you adoration

Yep, that’s Miyabi in a nutshell. And psycho or not, I still love him. Only a little bit more than I love Franceco Marciuliano’s hilarious book of poems.

[| Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Spot on.