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Peacemaking for Families: A Biblical Guide to Managing Conflict in Your Home
A Biblical guide to managing conflict in your home.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2002
52 people are currently reading
615 people want to read
About the author
Ken Sande
38 books34 followers Ken Sande is the founder of Peacemaker Ministries and president of a new ministry, Relational Wisdom 360. Trained as a mechanical engineer and lawyer, Ken is passionate about bringing the life-changing power of the gospel into the lives of Christians and their churches. He has used biblical peacemaking principles to minister to parties in hundreds of conflicts ranging from simple personal disputes to complex legal conflicts. He is the author of The Peacemaker, which has been translated into 15 languages, and has written numerous books, articles, and training resources on biblical conflict resolution and relational wisdom. He is a Certified Christian Conciliator, an Editorial Advisor for Christianity Today International’s Church Management Team, and a Certified Emotional Intelligence Instructor. He and his wife, Corlette, are delighted to be grandparents and love to hike with their family in the mountains near their home in Billings, Montana.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews
March 19, 2013
I thoroughly enjoyed the material in Peacemaking for Families. The book is full of all kinds of practical (biblical) advice for working through conflict. As the back cover reads: "Where two or three are gathered...there's a conflict waiting to happen." So very true! Even more so in the family and with those who we live in close proximity to. The insights in the book are very helpful for deescalating conflict and working through issues of unforgiveness. Every Christian should take the time to read this book, or one of Ken Sande's other books on the peacemaking concepts. He is a bit wordy and could be more concise, but overall this is a great book that will help a lot of folks wade through the issues of personal conflict.
November 29, 2022
Not very helpful at all. It uses primarily fictional examples of the most stereotypical conflicts. It repeats the same instructions over and over – confess your sins and forgive others' sins. That's it. And the vast amount of the book was in the context of marriage with only a repetition of the same instructions to children. This really shouldn't be marketed as conflict resolution for families. Instead, it's a fluffy essay on acknowledging your contribution to any conflict and why you should confess.
Favorite quotes:
“Escape and attack responses are almost always destructive to relationships. The escape responses to conflict are favored by those who are more interested in avoiding a conflict than in resolving it... peacefakers... [Attack responses] are employed by those more interested in winning a fight than preserving a relationship.” (p. 8-9)
“...searching for creative solutions. This is the time for creative, prayerful thinking, otherwise known as brainstorming... No suggestion is wrong at this stage, nor is there only one answer to the problem. Steer clear of evaluating and effectiveness of any of the ideas—that comes later.” (p. 103)
“It's never too late to start doing what is right.” (p. 124)
Favorite quotes:
“Escape and attack responses are almost always destructive to relationships. The escape responses to conflict are favored by those who are more interested in avoiding a conflict than in resolving it... peacefakers... [Attack responses] are employed by those more interested in winning a fight than preserving a relationship.” (p. 8-9)
“...searching for creative solutions. This is the time for creative, prayerful thinking, otherwise known as brainstorming... No suggestion is wrong at this stage, nor is there only one answer to the problem. Steer clear of evaluating and effectiveness of any of the ideas—that comes later.” (p. 103)
“It's never too late to start doing what is right.” (p. 124)
May 3, 2023
The biggest annoyance with this book is it's basically the same thing as The Peacemaker, which I had to read for school earlier this semester. Which means that it was a repeat of everything I've already had to read.
August 16, 2025
This is one of those bills that has an abundance of common sense when it comes to resolving conflict in any situation! I wish I heart read this as a young adult. It’s applicable to the individual as well as those that you wish to give wise counsel!
April 21, 2021
Great, practical, Gospel-centered resource. Gets a bit repetitive if already familiar with the Peacemaker resources, but still very helpful.
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December 9, 2018
A guide to domestic conflict management, for churched families, from a biblical counseling perspective. Its basic contents can be found in many other Christian books, but the conciseness of PfF makes it a preferable go-to.
April 8, 2013
This was a great book for learning how to manage conflict the godly way, specifically within a family unit. Obviously, the majority is based on the adults (typically husband and wife) of a family. But Sande also includes relationships with children and inlaws and gives real life examples based on either people he has counseled or his own family. These are what make this book more useful. No, we won't have the same exact conflict as each of these families, but certainly we will see the trends and identify with some family members more than others and understand why they respond the way they do. The point is to slow down our reactions to conflict and criticism through his PAUSE principles and the 4Gs and seek true reconciliation in Christ, not just outward civility for the sake of peace or saving face (anyone with a very hierarchical family will see this as a challenge and very eye opening). He has the best scenario responses as goals, which may be a bit "Mayberry" for some truly broken families, but it is a goal and most importantly points every conflict to Christ for healing. The importance of teaching children these steps is also stressed and has been more impressed upon me than before. Afterall, isn't our goal to develop little hearts to want to follow Christ, and not necessarily just outwardly show good behavior?
The book is a bit heavy at referring to (and therefore encouraging you to buy) his or his wife's other Peacemaking books. But it seems like all the basic principles are contained in this book, and anything you get from the other books will be more of the same with just a variant on the relationships and case studies. The Young Peacemaker may be more helpful for parents of elementary age children.
The book is a bit heavy at referring to (and therefore encouraging you to buy) his or his wife's other Peacemaking books. But it seems like all the basic principles are contained in this book, and anything you get from the other books will be more of the same with just a variant on the relationships and case studies. The Young Peacemaker may be more helpful for parents of elementary age children.
May 26, 2014
An excellent book relating scriptural/gospel-based practical means to handle the inevitable conflicts we will encounter in relationships. Christians are made righteous in Christ solely by His work and attributes, but as still sin-tainted beings we will surely deal with conflict as we interact and live with other sinners. Ken Sande, the author, who has produced a number of “peacemaking” titles, addresses family conflict specifically in this work, carrying over the solid biblical principles that are the foundation of his other volumes.
Sande graciously reveals the scriptural core cause of conflict, idolatry, and points to the only true answer, that found in the work of Christ expounded in the Gospel. These theological aspects are nowhere near exhaustive in this work, but the practical teaching that makes up the majority of this book is firmly enough premised on good exegesis of scripture to give us confidence in their wisdom.
I used this in a small group study and every man extolled the wisdom and hope this book provided at some level.
Sande graciously reveals the scriptural core cause of conflict, idolatry, and points to the only true answer, that found in the work of Christ expounded in the Gospel. These theological aspects are nowhere near exhaustive in this work, but the practical teaching that makes up the majority of this book is firmly enough premised on good exegesis of scripture to give us confidence in their wisdom.
I used this in a small group study and every man extolled the wisdom and hope this book provided at some level.
November 25, 2013
Great book explaining the nature of conflict and the art and science of how to resolve it. Sande provides helpful and practical ways of how to deal with confession, confrontation, forgiveness, and negotiation all with the gospel in center and a biblical worldview. He gives numerous of examples of conflict between spouses, between young children and parents, between siblings, between couples and in-laws and provides the tools and hope for how to resolve conflict and grow as a peacemaker.
October 4, 2016
The fact that I've already recommended this book on biblical conflict resolution to several couples is a testimony to its shortness, ease of reading, and practicality. Sande wrote a bigger book called The Peacemaker that I think would probably be a fuller treatment, but this book takes those principles and applies them to the family specifically. The principles discussed in this book have already had a positive impact on my life.
June 20, 2018
Ok. Had to read it for a family ministry class. Practical, loaded with lots of helpful examples, all pretty obvious stuff, but still helpful nonetheless.
November 15, 2019
Peacemaking for Families is an applied form of Sande's prior work The Peacemaker. While I haven't read that book, I did read another applied work inspired by it called the Peacemaking Pastor by Alfred Poirier, a close associate of Sande at Peacemaking Ministries. Both of these borrow the same terminology and framework to build a rationale for Christian peacemaking in all areas of life, not least of which is the family.
Sande briefly summarizes the key principles from The Peacemaker in chapter 1, but sets it all in the context of family conflicts. Each chapter sets a principle in real life context through the use of a scenario, be it a married couple, a parent and their child, or a family with adult children. Though these stories are fictitious, at times they feel all too real. The depictions of husbands issuing contrived, insincere apologies to their wives, who then struggle to truly forgive and instead issue snide remarks in retaliation, hit too close to home. I found myself reliving much of my marriage and mourning our selfish fight or flight responses.
Yet I was also encouraged as I read through his discussion of confession and negotiation. My wife and I have actually been needing to sit down and negotiate how I can better be a spiritual leader in our home now that we have our first child. I want to be intentional, considerate and consistent. Our family will spiritually starve if I don't lead us to the spiritual dinner table. I know my wife and I need to sit down and discuss the principles and practices we want to define our home, but this can only happen through negotiation. Here Sande's PAUSE principle is helpful. To negotiate effectively, one must Prepare, Affirm Relationships, Understand the Interests of both parties, Search for creative solution (prayerful brainstorming) and, lastly, Evaluate options objectively and reasonably. This approach to conflict focuses on us rather than just me or you. It's about protecting the interests and wellbeing of both parties involved.
Chapter 10 was also helpful in dealing with conflict in relationships between adult children and their parents. Families are complex, often dysfunctional social units with a long history of hurt and pain. To traverse these situations in pursuit of peace, Sande argues that all families members must abide by the 4 G's: Glorify God (place Him and His will first), Get the log out of your own eye (admit your own fault and sin), Go and show your brother his fault (loving confrontation), and Go and be reconciled. The Gospel has the power not only to heal the sin of individuals, but also to pierce through the thick layers of familial sin and relational decay. For such families, Sande advocates that one member prayerfully lead the family through this process. Of course, it requires that all be willing, which may take time.
I also appreciated the chapters on parenting (8-9). Teaching children to be peacemakers seems like a daunting task. Children are naturally inclined to fight, deceive, manipulate, betray and condemn if it means preserving their own self interest. They are often insincere in apologizing, if they do so at all. I know this to be true from my own life in how I treated my younger brother. Such children, he argues, must be confronted by their parents, yet with love and wisdom. "Overlooking minor offenses, choosing an appropriate time and place to talk, listening to and seeking to understand their perspective, paraphrasing and clarifying, carefully choosing our words to build up and not tear down--all are key elements in an effective confrontation" of a child. (139) Sande argues that children who are trained in the ways of peace by their parents at a young age will be much more capable of being bastions of peace as adults in a world at war with itself. This is the calling of every Christian parent in training their children to be disciples of Christ, the Prince of Peace.
Sande ends with a charge to seek refuge and peace before problems arise. "The prudent see danger and take refuge; but the simple keep going and suffer for it" (Proverbs 27:12). Families must set up protection before there is are conflicts, as well as recognize them as opportunities to practice the biblical principles from this book.
I am grateful for this book and its wisdom and prudence. It's a little date in terms of language and technology, and some of the resources mentioned in the back are difficult to find online. Nevertheless, I would recommend it to pastors as well as parents who, after all, are the shepherds of their little flocks. (3/5)
Sande briefly summarizes the key principles from The Peacemaker in chapter 1, but sets it all in the context of family conflicts. Each chapter sets a principle in real life context through the use of a scenario, be it a married couple, a parent and their child, or a family with adult children. Though these stories are fictitious, at times they feel all too real. The depictions of husbands issuing contrived, insincere apologies to their wives, who then struggle to truly forgive and instead issue snide remarks in retaliation, hit too close to home. I found myself reliving much of my marriage and mourning our selfish fight or flight responses.
Yet I was also encouraged as I read through his discussion of confession and negotiation. My wife and I have actually been needing to sit down and negotiate how I can better be a spiritual leader in our home now that we have our first child. I want to be intentional, considerate and consistent. Our family will spiritually starve if I don't lead us to the spiritual dinner table. I know my wife and I need to sit down and discuss the principles and practices we want to define our home, but this can only happen through negotiation. Here Sande's PAUSE principle is helpful. To negotiate effectively, one must Prepare, Affirm Relationships, Understand the Interests of both parties, Search for creative solution (prayerful brainstorming) and, lastly, Evaluate options objectively and reasonably. This approach to conflict focuses on us rather than just me or you. It's about protecting the interests and wellbeing of both parties involved.
Chapter 10 was also helpful in dealing with conflict in relationships between adult children and their parents. Families are complex, often dysfunctional social units with a long history of hurt and pain. To traverse these situations in pursuit of peace, Sande argues that all families members must abide by the 4 G's: Glorify God (place Him and His will first), Get the log out of your own eye (admit your own fault and sin), Go and show your brother his fault (loving confrontation), and Go and be reconciled. The Gospel has the power not only to heal the sin of individuals, but also to pierce through the thick layers of familial sin and relational decay. For such families, Sande advocates that one member prayerfully lead the family through this process. Of course, it requires that all be willing, which may take time.
I also appreciated the chapters on parenting (8-9). Teaching children to be peacemakers seems like a daunting task. Children are naturally inclined to fight, deceive, manipulate, betray and condemn if it means preserving their own self interest. They are often insincere in apologizing, if they do so at all. I know this to be true from my own life in how I treated my younger brother. Such children, he argues, must be confronted by their parents, yet with love and wisdom. "Overlooking minor offenses, choosing an appropriate time and place to talk, listening to and seeking to understand their perspective, paraphrasing and clarifying, carefully choosing our words to build up and not tear down--all are key elements in an effective confrontation" of a child. (139) Sande argues that children who are trained in the ways of peace by their parents at a young age will be much more capable of being bastions of peace as adults in a world at war with itself. This is the calling of every Christian parent in training their children to be disciples of Christ, the Prince of Peace.
Sande ends with a charge to seek refuge and peace before problems arise. "The prudent see danger and take refuge; but the simple keep going and suffer for it" (Proverbs 27:12). Families must set up protection before there is are conflicts, as well as recognize them as opportunities to practice the biblical principles from this book.
I am grateful for this book and its wisdom and prudence. It's a little date in terms of language and technology, and some of the resources mentioned in the back are difficult to find online. Nevertheless, I would recommend it to pastors as well as parents who, after all, are the shepherds of their little flocks. (3/5)
April 17, 2024
I found Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend to be more helpful. While I agree with most of the points made in this book- ie overlooking minor offenses, owning your part in conflict, etc, I also don’t think it’s this simple or black and white.
Sometimes conflict happens and sometimes it just is what it is. Sometimes you have to set a healthy boundary and it causes conflict. That doesn’t mean you have a hidden sin in your heart or that you need to initiate reconciliation by apologizing for your “selfish attitude.”
For this reason I recommend Boundaries over this book (or in addition to this book) as a way of maintaining peaceful relationships.
Sometimes conflict happens and sometimes it just is what it is. Sometimes you have to set a healthy boundary and it causes conflict. That doesn’t mean you have a hidden sin in your heart or that you need to initiate reconciliation by apologizing for your “selfish attitude.”
For this reason I recommend Boundaries over this book (or in addition to this book) as a way of maintaining peaceful relationships.
June 7, 2023
There is a lot of helpful stuff in here but it's so hard to follow and it was overwhelming to go through. All these steps and letters . . . I think it would be easier to go through the kids version with the kids a little later on. This is definitely a book you have to proactively practice to "get." I should probably read it again.
December 31, 2020
I started reading this with a group of friends and discussing over Zoom, but the discussion fell off (my fault entirely) when we moved in November. Regardless, this book is chock full of great advice on peacemaking in the home, which almost always needs to start in my own heart.
December 3, 2018
Great, Christ-centered things to think about in personal/marital/familial conflict
January 27, 2019
Practical resource for resolving conflict and making peace or for counseling those in need of peaceful solutions.
March 15, 2021
If you are married, not married, have kids, or don’t have kids, read this book.
January 17, 2022
Very helpful.
February 25, 2022
Ótima ponderações e reflexões para o cotidiano, a comunicação e a pacificação das relações em Cristo.
March 15, 2022
Helpful but a little heavy handed for me. I took away some good ideas to put into practice though.
October 28, 2022
Overall a good blanket reference in counseling for conflicts. Specific issues aren't necessarily covered here but general ideas.
May 2, 2023
Great principles! Helpful examples. Motivating.
March 16, 2024
One of the most important books on conflict. Implementing at your discretion. A re-read for when we add to our family.
April 22, 2024
I took away some important points in how to maintain the peace- it isn't by ignoring the conflict as I usually do!
October 17, 2025
Very helpful.
August 18, 2023
I was honestly a bit underwhelmed with this book. I found this book to be extremely repetitive and basic. The examples and illustrations used at the throughout each chapter seemed to be the exact same each and every time— they became quite worn out.
Don’t mistake me: everything said was good and true and first and foremost, theologically rooted in biblical counsel and scripture. For that I am truly thankful. And because of that I think this book would be great for a new Believer and/or anyone who has not been exposed to God-honoring counseling and scripture-focused teaching.
Don’t mistake me: everything said was good and true and first and foremost, theologically rooted in biblical counsel and scripture. For that I am truly thankful. And because of that I think this book would be great for a new Believer and/or anyone who has not been exposed to God-honoring counseling and scripture-focused teaching.
October 1, 2009
The title describes it fairly well. The book is directed toward married couples with a few chapters on children included toward the end. I liked the way the biblical principles were shared, and appreciated the many testimonies included. I found myself wanting to delve deeper into the principles and their biblical foundation though, so I turned to "The Peacemaker" which was referenced and recommended at the ends of many chapters.
July 27, 2016
Conflict is inevitable, even among those you are closest to and love most dearly. This book is designed to help family members manage that conflict in a way that produces a sustainable peace. Sande touches on all areas of family—including marriage and children—and peppers the book with his own personal experiences. While repetitive at times, and perhaps a bit bloated, the concepts and principles are valuable tools in the day-to-day realities of family life.
October 22, 2012
Sande applies the Peacemaker material to marriage, parenting and sibling rivalry.
Pros: lots of good ideas on how to communicate lovingly in conflict. Incisive diagnosis of heart issues and a clear process for dealing with them.
Cons: a bit wordy - lots of extra fluff to get the ideas across.
Pros: lots of good ideas on how to communicate lovingly in conflict. Incisive diagnosis of heart issues and a clear process for dealing with them.
Cons: a bit wordy - lots of extra fluff to get the ideas across.
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