I Will Crash

by Rebecca Watson

It was a peace offering, I knew that

you don't appear on someone's doorstep uninvited, saying Alright
unless you want to make amends

It's been six years since Rosa last saw her brother. Six years since they last spoke. Six years since they last fought. Six years since she gave up on the idea of having a brother.

She's spent that time carefully not thinking about him. Not remembering their childhood. Not mentioning those stories, even to the people she loves.

Now the distance she had so carefully put between them has collapsed. Can she find a way to make peace - to forgive, to be forgiven - when the past she's worked so hard to contain threatens to spill over into the present?

From the acclaimed author of little scratch, this is a moving, powerfully honest novel about how we love, how we grieve and how we forgive.

Genres: Fiction, Contemporary, Literary Fiction, Audiobook, British Literature, Family, 21st Century

297 pages, Hardcover

First published July 4, 2024

Reviews

[Paul Fulcher · Rating 4 out of 5]

Shortlisted for The Swansea University International Dylan Thomas Prize



'I Will Crash' is Rebecca Watson's sophomore novel after her highly inventive Goldsmiths Prize nominated 'little scratch'.

Describing this novel as a work in progress at the time of her debut she said:

"Loosely, it starts when the protagonist/narrator’s brother dies, and she has a very complicated relationship with her brother. Then from this, a lot of things unravel. Her sense of herself, her past, her trust of her own memories shift. It’s set over five days from the death of the brother as she seeks to restore control over who she is and what her past has been."

'I Will Crash' is narrated by Rosa and opens with a scene set 6 weeks before her 2-year-older brother's death, aged 30, when, the two having not spoken for 6 years, he knocks on her door out of the blue, wanting to speak to her, but she refuses to speak to him and closes the door.

It then moves forward to her receiving a call from her father, informing her that her brother (in his early 30s) has died in a car crash, a call which triggers a memory of the two of them driving together, when, asking for the phone number of one of her best friend at school, Alice, he threatened to crash the car if she didn't comply.



The style of the prose remiscent of that in 'little scratch', but doing something differently - let description of the day to day interior thoughts, and more her own parallel commentary, as she processes her thoughts on what has happened, the novel alternating between present and past tenses, over the 5 days that follow the call, and the reasons why she refused to speak to her brother.

We learn that he was abusive to her when they were younger, although in a low-key, continuous way that she finds hard to explain or evidence to her parents at the time, to her partner now, and indeed to her brother himself, whose gaslighting extends to a take he gave to his own partner that he had visited Rosa to allow her to apologise to him.

There is an interesting difference to 'little scratch', whereby in the earlier novel, the narrator has hidden trauma (that she had been raped by her boss) that she had not shared with anyone, including her partner. Here Rosa has shared her story but to an non-comprehending audience. As Watson explained in the interview above: "In the novel I’m writing at the moment I’m trying to resist the unsaid, and to make the narrator express things and to see the effects that those moments of confession elicit." And everyone, including Rosa herself, rather avoids discussion of the terrible fate that befell Alice after she became her brother's boyfriend, and their friendship ended.

And a key theme, as per the photo-quote that opens my review, is the way the lines that she has carefully constructed around her life and her story break down.

Another impressive novel from one of our most interesting novelists - another Goldsmiths nomination must be a strong possibility, but this time a Booker nod must also beckon. 4.5 stars.

Thanks to the publisher via Netgalley for the ARC.

[Bobby]

This is a book above my reading comprehension level. There’s a really good story here, but you have to be able to be good at reading like poetry and shit to make it through. The audiobook is definitely the way to go if you struggin like I was with the written words. The formatting makes it look like you downloaded a corrupted ebook file, but I guess that’s cool.


I would recommend this book to Americans who scored over 700 on the verbal part of the SAT and people who are really good at those word search puzzles.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

4,5
If you liked ‘Little Scratch,’ you’ll probably like ‘I Will Crash’ as well. They have the same wonderful fragmentary structure that draws you in, phrases that suggest rather than tell all. This is exquisite and profound, in style, thought and theme. Absolutely brilliant.
Thank you Faber & Faber and Netgalley UK for the ARC.

[Sarah (sarahanneisreading) · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75 stars

[kehindeslibrary · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really enjoyed the concept on this book, and I liked the format too (the text was scattered all over the page).

However, I found this book hard to pick up and found myself getting bored while reading.

[Bret Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another fantastic story from Rebecca Watson that perfectly captures memory and trauma!

[Jaclyn]

Watson is doing something so incredibly interesting with fragmentation as form. Her debut little scratch had a similar construction. Here is a book about family violence, reactive abuse and forgiveness told in glimpses, broken into fragments, concentrated into its essence. Memories can feel uncertain and Rosa is spiralling despite knowing her own pain and who inflicted it. The form made the storytelling feel essential and elemental. If you’re looking for some experimental fiction I highly recommend (but read little scratch first).

[Cassie · Rating 3 out of 5]

this meeting could have been an email this book could have been a therapy session

[Sam Cheng · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rosa’s older brother dies in a car crash, sending her mind back in time. As time moves linearly in real life, and as Rosa processes the immediate traumatic event, shards of past memories resurface and affect the synthesis of her thoughts and emotions. The most significant memories are thus: he bullied her when they were children, and he threatened to crash the car with Rosa as a passenger as a tactic of manipulation. She grieves on various levels: she loses her brother yet again, first to a needed boundary from his harassment, and now to an even greater divide—death. This means that Rosa will not have the opportunity to reconcile with him, which life never promises, but at least poses the possibility.

Watson’s writing reminds me of McBride’s A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing. I’m seeing in other reviews that Watson employed a similar style in her first novel. The syntactically unconventional sentences convey how our brains recall haphazard memories and how we scrutinize past apparitions. The author will merge before and after in Rosa’s thoughts, suggesting that trauma affects our ability to think clearly. I hoped the narrative would draw me in more.

[menal · Rating 4 out of 5]

A completely unexpected yet beautiful novel. I picked it up due to my interest in the prose style, not expecting to be moved by the actual story. How very wrong I was! Truly, those last thirty pages had me choking back tears. Such an interesting exploration of grief and family. The fractured style of the prose was not even the main character of this book by the time I finished. What felt a little gimmicky, by the end, faded completely into the background to be nothing more than a supplement to a stunning story.

[Akaliyah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unfortunately, it wasn’t for me. I struggled to really connect with both the story and the characters, which made it harder to stay engaged throughout.
The poetry-style writing was something completely new to me, and as this was my first time reading a book written in that way, I did find it quite difficult to follow at times.
However, it was a quick read, which made it easier to get through despite not fully enjoying it.

[Caitlin Holloway · Rating 4 out of 5]

As Little Scratch is in my top 5 books, this was one of my most anticipated releases of the year and I wasn’t disappointed. I love the way Watson writes and how expertly she immerses you in the inner thoughts of her protagonists. The story is complex and multifaceted and I love how reactive the stream of consciousness style of narration feels throughout the book. This one was personally less topically relatable for me than Little Scratch but was still a great read.

[Oliver Shrouder · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent dissection of grief and unreliable narration - Watson's stream of consciousness style is unmatched

[Carl (Hiatus. IBB in Jan) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will crash. A phrase full of meaning that sets the premise of this brilliant piece of literary fiction. “I Will Crash” is Rebecca Watson’s second novel – how did I miss the first? – exploring aspects of grief, gaslighting, bullying, and much more. I came upon this book by chance and couldn’t be more grateful for it. This is a gripping novel that explores grief through the mind of Rosa during the few days following the death of her older brother. Rebecca Watson writes with such empathy. “I Will Crash” has one of the best introspective dialogues I have read. I particularly adored Rosa’s relationship with her boyfriend and how it is portrayed throughout the novel.

The writing has a fragmented style, with blank spaces between sentences and paragraphs, and punctuation that you might find confusing at first; however, this “experimental” style adds an extra layer to the reading experience. I would describe it as watching a 3D movie. The characters are well-developed, each contributing significantly to the narrative, and no word is wasted (repetitions or not). The plot is intricately structured, with steady pacing that kept me engaged from start to finish. As the narrative unfolds, you are taken on a journey through Rosa’s past and present, immersed in her thoughts and struggles, revealing the psychological and emotional battles she faces. The subtlety and duality of each incident make her a compelling and relatable protagonist.

The book is intense and thought-provoking, which can leave you overwhelmed at times – I surely was. It combines elements of psychological thriller, poetry, and contemporary fiction, providing a unique and engaging reading experience. It is a powerful read that left a lasting impression on me. The story's intensity and the protagonist's journey resonated with me in ways I did not expect.

Overall, “I Will Crash” by Rebecca Watson is a remarkable novel that offers a deep and compelling narrative. Watson's ability to delve into complex themes and present them through relatable characters makes this book a standout. I highly recommend it to readers who enjoy a more challenging read. “I Will Crash” is a must-read for those who appreciate a well-crafted story that explores the depths of the human mind and emotions. Watson's exceptional writing and insightful storytelling make this novel a standout in its genre.

Many thanks to Faber & Faber and NetGalley for the eARC.

[maddie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was literally forcing myself to pick this up I dragged my way through idk what it was. I've read both of this author's novels now and I absolutely LOVE her story lines and concepts. I usually love fragmentation and funky formatting but I just can't get on board with her work I don't think. maybe I just don't actually enjoy this format anymore? idk im so disappointed because if these were typical prose I would be so there, just not for me :( I think I preferred this to little scratch tho to be honest!

'It confronted me that softness reminded me that it had always been impossible to hate him fully I couldn't feel anything for him in absolutes. I had to love him or at least feel anything intensely, an attachment, an impossible something connecting me to him maybe that is love, yes, and I had to feel it I resented that, as well as him'

[Ben Dutton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rebecca Watson's debut novel, Little Scratch from 2021, was incredibly well received, meaning expectation for her follow-on is high. Let me begin by saying if you loved that novel, then I Will Crash will equally excite you and leave you will the same breathless feeling Little Scratch did. This is bravura writing, it's short sharp sentences, strewn across the page startling. It is a mix of stream of consciousness, memory and emotion. It is never less than stunning.

Rosa, an English graduate, is visited by her brother, and slams the door in his face. A few months later he is dead. Over the next few days Rosa recalls his life and its pervasive, menacing hold over her. To tell more would spoil the impact of this novel.

I Will Crash, then, comes highly recommended and is easily one of my favourite novels of the year. Thank you to the publishers and Netgalley for the ARC.

[Bookygirls Magda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bardzo ciekawy obraz traumy rodzinnej i samotności. Trauma miesza się z żałobą, główna bohaterka próbuje poradzić sobie ze sprzecznymi uczuciami, wykrzyczeć swoje krzywdy, zapomnieć i zamknąć ten rozdział życia. Ale ciągle ktoś podważa jej doświadczenia, minimalizuje i przekształca na jej niekorzyść. Autorka analizuje jak victim blaiming może działać w jednostce rodzinnej, zwłaszcza gdy „nic złego się nie stało”. Pokazuje wyraźnie zaburzonego człowieka i jego manipulacje, które wprowadzają w zamęt nawet po jego śmierci

[Bella Lasagne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mamma Mia! I had thoughta that little scratch would be the best book I had ever read. But this one hasa surpastad it!

[Hannah Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Looking forward to discussing this in therapy.

[Esther · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pf, durísimo leerlo, pero qué bien representa el duelo y la memoria esta señora.

"Death is a death is a death."

[Harriet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

💬 “We hear not what is said but what we fear, deafened by an alternative that has never played out.”

💭 I went into I WILL CRASH by Rebecca Watson pretty blind and ended up devouring it in a single day. I honestly didn’t expect to fall for it the way I did, but it completely pulled me in and didn’t let go.

This book is raw, introspective, and deeply emotional. It offers a deeply personal and honest dive into the mind of someone just trying to keep going. It’s reflective, full of sharp observations about grief, memory, and loneliness.

Stylistically, it’s stunning. The fragmentary structure is so clever and unique, and it mirrors the narrator’s inner world perfectly. The broken, scattered format is poetic and rhythmic, and makes the reading experience incredibly immersive.

A deeply affecting, beautifully written novel. Five stars from me, and one I will highly recommend to all.

[Eva Luetchford · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. Unusual style but loved the constant stream of consciousness - made me feel really connected to the protagonist - flitting between real time speech and her thoughts

[paula. · Rating 5 out of 5]

so i have actually read this twice in the last month because i immediately wanted to reread it and i'm so glad i did because i rad it really fast the first time and missed some of the gorgeous phrases in here

this is such a heartbreaking clever little book
the way it moves between past and present and how the form makes it very clear to the reader where we are but still shows how confusing grief is and how all the memories that come up can be so overbearing

[Emer Tannam · Rating 2 out of 5]

When I started reading this book, I wasn’t sure about the poetic format of it, but I got into it, and it actually made sense, in capturing the way you can have thoughts interrupting each other or running parallel to each other.

But it was a bit uneventful, in going through the blow by blow of the narrator’s shock and grief at the sudden death of her brother. And in the end, the nature of their relationship was only hinted at. And while that was undoubtedly a deliberate choice, and said something about how we’re all unreliable narrators, and kids growing up together still remember things differently, I found it frustrating.

The theme of having ambivalent feelings around the death of a sibling resonated to a certain extent, because of the death of my own sister a couple of years ago, but in the end, I just didn’t find it very satisfying and felt a bit cheated when it ended abruptly.

[Bobby Den · Rating 2 out of 5]

I will crash is an experimental novel in everything. It starts with the writing style where words are scattered across the page. It immediately got me thinking "one of those" and honestly, it didn't help me get into the story. I had a hard time being sucked in and sometimes forgot about where we were as from one paragraph to another, the story could jump. This made sense in a way as we were mostly in Rosa's heads and thought and feeling are fleeting and rarely linear. Yet, I like a certain effortlessness when reading something as it helps me forget about the here and now rather than remaining conscious about the environment around me.

The book was also quite claustrophobic, and I felt like the parts I enjoyed most involved interaction with other characters. Given that that those parts were a minority, overall I was a bit underwhelmed by this book. I did like the ending a bit more where Rosa met her brother's girlfriend and was met with a version of her brother she could hardly believe. This also made closure harder as the different versions of her brother ultimately seemed irreconcilable. I did however feel like there was some level of redemption in the end with Rosa experiencing some level of regret.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first (and possibly only) book I’ll read by this author. Premise was very promising, then I opened the book.

I tried to appreciate the structure, sometimes found the disjointed thoughts kind of interesting, but I found it distracting overall, and felt like i was working hard to read (and re-read lines). And need to put a bookmark in? Forget it, good luck understanding/remembering what’s happening when you left off!

I also feel like I didn’t learn a lot about any of the characters and I really wanted to. I can see why some people loved it, appreciate the author’s writing but it’s not for me.

[Kat Molloy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wanted to love this & did enjoy the story, but found it slightly frustrating. I personally found the writing style very hard to read & it took me a lot longer due to this. I felt like the ending was very abrupt & wanted more from Rosa. Only because I went to a book launch with the author who provided more insight to the character, I don’t think I would’ve got that from the book alone.

[✰matthew✰ · Rating 3 out of 5]

this didn’t have the same energy as the authors debut novel, there was less tension and therefore less propulsion.

i didn’t care about the characters and wasn’t too bothered what was happening.

the actual writing itself is so clever and so different. it’s really accomplished. i just didn’t get much from it here.

(i read the uk pb edition that isn’t yet listed on gr.)

[Veronica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Appetite Book Club May Pick -- it's a no from me. I felt this book was style over substance, and would have liked to see the typesetting used more effectively, especially given this is apparently the same writing structure as her first book.

[Brianna · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5
I quite enjoyed the story however could not get past the format of the book, I almost didn’t finish it several times which is quite unusual for me (but alas one has a reading goal)