The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now

by Meg Jay

336 pages, Paperback

Published January 4, 2024

About the author

She is a clinical assistant professor at the University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.

Dr. Jay’s book, The Defining Decade, was a 2012 Slate.com Staff Pick and her 2013 TED talk “Why 30 Is Not the New 20″ has been viewed more than 2 million times. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes, Psychology Today, and NPR.

Dr. Jay earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from the University of California, Berkeley.

At Berkeley, Dr. Jay was a research associate on the Mills Longitudinal Study, one of the longest-running studies of female adult development in the world. Her research on women, depression, and gender was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and was published in the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association and as the Symonds Prize article in Studies in Gender and Sexuality. Her work on the assessment of depression has been published in Psychological Assessment.

An award-winning lecturer, Dr. Jay served as adjunct faculty at Berkeley where she taught Clinical Psychology, Personality Psychology, Social Psychology, and Psychology of Gender. Dr. Jay currently supervises doctoral students in clinical psychology at the University of Virginia.

Dr. Jay has served as a fellow for the American Psychoanalytic Association, the Center for the Study of Sexual Cultures, and the Robert Stoller Foundation.

Dr. Jay earned a B.A. with High Distinction in psychology from University of Virginia. She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.

Reviews

[eli · Rating 3 out of 5]

work kapitel 10/10, die anderen weiß nicht so richtig

nichts was scotty nicht eh schon überlegt hat 😝

[Toby Sutton-Long · Rating 3 out of 5]

So on the day of writing this (10th Jan 2024), it is my twentieth birthday. I thought it would be handy to have a read of this beforehand, and I'm glad I did, especially seeing as a new edition has just come out. This book is so helpful and covers a range of different topics from work to relationships. However I can't give this book any higher of a rating than I have given it, because there are quite a few topics that aren't covered as much as I would have liked. The case studies aren't as diverse as they could have been, with it being based on Jay's clients who are seemingly all middle class Americans. Plus there is extremely little mention of disability and no mention of neurodivergent people, which I think is a massive shame. So while I say this is a book that people in their twenties or late teens should read, it is not a definitive guide.

[Ally McChesney · Rating 3 out of 5]

In terms of self help-y books this one isn’t bad. I like the research she included and also that it’s written from a psychologist’s perspective. A lot of the little stories of her clients reminded me of people I know so I feel like it holds up but I think it’s prob only relatable for people on the life path of like traditional college then career then relationship/family etc. Some of the stuff particularly in the first section was helpful though because like it’s true the stuff you do (or don’t do) is gonna end up mattering so you should at least be thoughtful about things sooner rather than later. Not life changing but not a waste of time either.
“It is working toward something even though there is no sure thing. When we make choices, we open ourselves up to hard work and failure and heartbreak, so sometimes it feels easier not to know, not to choose, not to do”
“It is scary to realize that you can’t just wait around, that no one can really rescue you, and that you- and only you- just have to do something”

[Joanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think as far as self-help books go, this one is a very decent one. The career advice is solid and actionable. Perhaps it seems obvious to some, but to me that part was quite eye-opening. The advice on love and relationships doesn't sit too well with me, being very amatonormarive and very neurotypical, but I find it's laid out in a non-nonsense way, which still made it worth reading for me. Generally, it's a book I'd recommend to anyone aged 19-35. Especially if they want to examine the way they make and made life choices, and what does it mean.