Secrets and Lies: Surviving the Truths That Change Our Lives

by Jane Isay

By the author of Walking on Eggshells, a compellingly readable journey into the realm of family secrets, offering lessons and insights for those who are hiding the truth and those who discover what has long been hidden. Secrets, large and small, are a fact of human life. This book explores the impact of keeping secrets and the power of truth. Secrets can damage our sense of self and our relationships. Even so, Jane Isay has found, people survive learning the most disturbing facts that have been hidden from them. And secret keepers are relieved when they finally reveal themselves—even the things they are ashamed of—to the people they care about. Much depends, Isay writes, on the way of telling and the way of hearing. Jane Isay was both a secret finder and a secret keeper. After fifteen years of marriage her husband admitted he was gay, but together they decided to keep it a secret for the sake of their two sons. Building on her personal experience, sixty intimate interviews, and extensive research into the psychology of secrets, Isay shows how the pain of secrets can be lightened by full disclosure, genuine apology, and time. Sometimes the truth sunders relationships, but often it saves them. Powered by detailed stories and Isay's compassionate analysis, Secrets and Lies reveals how universal secrets are in families. The big ones—affairs, homosexuality, parentage, suicide, abuse, hidden siblings—can be ruinous at first, but the effects need not last forever, and Isay shows us what makes the difference. With specific guidelines for those who keep secrets and those who find them out, Isay's book reveals the art of surviving a secret.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help

210 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Over the last 12 years, I have written 4 books. March 2018 marked the publication of my fourth book, Unconditional Love: A Guide to Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being a Grandparent Today.
My previous book, Secrets and Lies: Surviving the Truths that Change our Lives, was published in January 2014. It follows my first book, Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship between Adult Children and Parents, which came out in 2007. Mom Still Likes You Best: The Unfinished Business Between Siblings followed in 2010.

For over 40 years I was a book editor and publishing executive, specializing in psychology but including other subjects. I edited such classics as Reviving Ophelia, The Drama of the Gifted Child, Friday Night Lights, Odd Girl Out. Praying for Sheetrock and Woe Is I.

Reviews

[Bert · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a free copy of this 2014 book from Goodreads, a collaborative marketing device between author & publisher, but all I agreed to do was read the book and give an honest review. Getting past the introduction created some trepidation in me, as the author spoke entirely of her own personal experiences. I was afraid that I'd merely be reading 198 pages of reflections on her own psychotherapy notes. Then things got better. Examples of real people in realistic situations were presented in very readable fashion. This is an intelligent book, but it's not encumbered by technical terms that push away amateurs in the field of psychology. What we come away with is a better understanding of how individuals deal with the trauma of having their fundamental belief systems shattered by revelations of inherent dishonesty. Essentially there are healthy accommodations, and there are ones that aren't helpful at all. Life is a process whereby we must make adjustments in processing new information, not just for our own mental health but for the sake of others that surround us. Pick up this book with care, and block off enough time, because you may just become compelled to finish it in just one sitting. 5 stars.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I felt that this was more a collection of stories than any real analysis of the effects of keeping secrets.

[Cody · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author, Jane Isay, is a masterful storyteller. Her stories were engaging and flowed really well. Very easy and enjoyable to read. The editing was perfect. The majority of the effort of this book was put into the stories. There's a little bit, but not a whole lot of teaching the readers how to learn and grow from secrets both told and still hidden. Very little phycology. What I disliked about this book was almost every story was minimizing the hurt women did in the relationships, or maximizing the evil the men did in the relationships. Oftentimes both.

[K2 ----- · Rating 3 out of 5]

Enjoyed the topic, just didn't think it was very well put together, disappointing for a woman who was a book editor.

It is hard to rate this book, it is one I would recommend although I felt the writing left quite a bit to be desired. There are many instances of secret-keeping and a reminder of why one of the AA tenents is that "you are as sick as your secrets."

[James Sorensen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I won this book as part of the Goodreads first-read program.

Jane Isay is an accomplished editor and writer that introduces the reader to the sad and often traumatic hidden world of family secrets. Ms. Isay look at the destructive way that secrets can affect family members when long held secrets are exposed.

Ms. Isay tells her own story of marriage to the love of her life and the pain that is caused when her husband reveals that he is a homosexual. We learn of the effort to cover up this secret from her children, other family members and work associates. Plus the steady loss of love as she finds herself alienated from the love she needs to thrive. It is not until she faces the truth with those around her that she can begin the process of working through the pain caused by her husband's long kept secret.

This book is full of stories about secrets long kept and how the individuals involved deal with the secrets when they are exposed. These personal stories are grouped in categories i.e. adults that find out they were adopted, unknown family members showing up at emotion times, spousal infidelity, and staying married for the wrong reasons. Some of the people that are affected by these secret are able to move on to better and happier lives, but some get stuck in the emotional trauma that is caused by the revealed secrets.

For those people that are dealing with these same issues this is a great book. It gives insight on why secrets are kept and how destructive these acts of dishonesty can be. It also shows those people affected that they can move on even when revealing the secrets can initially cause pain. And sometimes we simply have to move on towards our own changed lives if those around us refuse to acknowledge the secret.

A well written and informative book. Even if the reader is not the "Finder" of a secret or a "Secret Keeper" it is a good book that helps the reader understand the emotions of those around them that may be going through such heartache. I highly recommend this book.

[T.L. Cooper · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jane Isay takes us behind the backdrop into the effects of lies told and truth revealed in Secrets and Lies: Surviving the Truths That Change Our Lives. As I read this book, I nodded in recognition at times, I squirmed in discomfort at others, and I blinked back tears as I empathized with the people whose stories she shared. Isay concentrates on what we might think of as "big" lies, but her words made me think about the million little lies we tell every day to keep peace. As she examines the pain inflicted by both secrets kept and truth reveals, Isay pushes us to examine the lives we lead and the connections in our lives. Does the secret we keep help or hurt? Does the truth we seek to reveal help or hurt? Do we seek to keep secrets or reveal truths to assuage our guilt or to free someone else? We all have to examine our motives, and Secrets and Lies acknowledges that every situation is unique and yet eerily similar regardless of the secret being kept or the truth being revealed. Isay takes us into the journeys of several people whose lives were irrevocably changed by secrets kept and by truths revealed. Those stories left me discombobulated as I realized how often our reactions to secrets and lies revealed lacks compassion and leaves everyone involved hurting and alone. I like to to think I lean toward compassion more than toward judgment, but Isay made me wonder if what I think is compassion could be perceived as judgment. Secrets and Lies provokes thought, promotes compassion, and provides insight into why people keep secrets, why people reveal secrets and why people pretend they don't know the secrets right in front of them as Isay examines the impact of secrets and the revelation of truth.

[Andreea Olteanu · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful book giving alot of insights about how truth can change any relationship. Actually the book focuses on what lies do out of individuals and their families, but also on how somethimes a truth can bring everything to a new level. I once again understood how important it is to listen to the people around us, to let them be open with us, to understand and love them for who they are not what we want them to be. If we put people in boxes, most of them will not trust us enough to tell their truths. In the end the book is also about strong characters which "Wanted to know" so they didn't stop seeking until they found the truth of their lives! I loved the book and it is the first personal development book I am reading from one end to the other.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me think about my life, my loved ones' lives and my family in a way that was both critical and necessary. It made me realize that I had been hurt by this behavior without even realizing it. I now see where some of the anger or resentment that I might harbor had rooted from.

Even if there are no particular Secrets and Lies that you think you live with, this book will bring to light that these things happen every day. Better yet, it will help you to think about how to overcome keeping the secrets as well as discovering them.

Jane also writes beautifully. This book was a fast read with stunning story telling. I highly recommend!

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very fascinating and a great read. Everyone has secrets and lies but not often does one step back to see how they affect the whole sphere of their existence. This book covered a wide range of experiences and I think most will find it easy to relate to their own life and have their horizons widened. A few passages were a tad confusing because Ishay was trying to convey the story as the narrator had and it was an abrupt tone switch. Overall, great read that gets you thinking. I most definitely recommend!
(As part of the full disclosure, I received this book for free via a Goodreads First Reads giveaway.)

[Mary Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an outstanding book that would pair well with Brené Brown's work on shame and vulnerability.

This book led me to The Polio Journals: Lessons from My Mother, another incredible and extremely well-written book by a woman whose mother had polio as a toddler...and it was NEVER MENTIONED in their home. The disability was ignored and glossed over, while it was entirely apparent. What a paradox. That's a 5 star read, too.

[Peace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Touring the human mind from how we lie to ourselves to how we lie to others, this book brings the museum of our memories to life. A journey to rediscover the old adage "the truth will set you free" has never been so entertainingly detailed. The richness of the lives and the compassion the author holds for herself, her subjects and for her readers is humbling.

[John · Rating 3 out of 5]

An excellent book which shows how individual and family secrets can do real harm. It includes a great collection of intimate stories illustrating it's main point, and is a very entertaining though thoughtful read. I recommend this book to anyone interested not just in secrets, but psychology in general.

[Mendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

***I won this book in a Goodreads giveaway in exchange for an honest review***

This book wasn't what I expected. However, I really enjoyed it. It was interesting to see how it can affect people. Also seeing how people in almost the same situations have different outcomes, because the way it was addressed by people around them. Or not addressed in some situations.

[Jonas Nyander · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very helpful book written by someone who has first hand experience of what she is writing about. I could identify with her own story and it has helped me to understand my situation as a provisionally adopted child and the challenges enforced family secrets and lies places on you. Now if I could only convince the Keeper in my 'family' to read this book.

[Brandi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was wonderfully written, I really feel for everyone in this book and it helped to see how incidents when people are younger can carry on throughout their life unless they have figured out how to solve the issue. Great book.

[Marci Mayer Eisen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Through individual stories, including the author's, this book creates a framework for the common - and not so common - secrets that we each carry around. Also gives good advice on how to move forward without being preachy

[Riley · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book! Worth the time and the money... it is a great read!

[Debbie kurtz · Rating 4 out of 5]

interesting book. I liked the book

[Carlee Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was under the impression that this would be more psychological. Instead, it was very anecdotal. Very interesting, if possibly non-generalizable.

[False · Rating 2 out of 5]

I agree with her principles in the value of honest and being truthful with ourselves and others. Living with liars and smoke blowers can be so wearing. I didn't really enjoy the book, though.