Being Bad: Breaking the Rules and Becoming Everything You're Not Supposed to Be

by Arielle Egozi

What happens when you stop giving a f*ck about what your parents, partners, and society expect of you and ask yourself what you really want?

Salon’s inaugural sex and love advice columnist and author of the viral LinkedIn sex work post, Arielle Egozi, shares their journey as a queer, neurodivergent, child of immigrants who never quite fit into the social roles she was supposed to, instead choosing to embrace their multiple dimensions, and eventually discovering freedom—and true power—by being “bad” in a world that kept trying to force her to be “good.”

What if sex positivity wasn’t about having sex at all? What if you ditched relationship hierarchies and explored relationship anarchy? How can everyone get in touch with their inner domme? Using frameworks and philosophies cultivated from years of living, writing, speaking, and educating on sex, relationships, and identity through a queer and decolonizing lens, Egozi offers questions, practices, and tools to help you find your own power, and step into it—creating space for you to dream far beyond what your family, society, or capitalist culture expects. Being Bad offers you the permission to become who you are, however you choose to be.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

272 pages, Paperback

Published September 17, 2024

Reviews

[Anna Makowska · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw, emotional, very moving. This memoir recounts the author's journey through traumatic childhood, parental divorce and neglect, history of relationship abuse including SA, death of a sibling, and finally journey to freedom and healing through a queer relationship, found family of friends, discovering they're neurodivergent (adhd + autism) and finding empowerment in sex work. It portrays how generational trauma, racism and patriarchy deprive people of happiness and how the author had to fight back to reclaim themselves. It's a testament to author's resilience and inquisitive nature to keep searching for the truth instead of giving up to the overwhelming power of societal pressure. It also provides actionable advice and summaries at the end of each chapter, which is very useful for memorizing biggest takeaways from each section.

I related to the author's journey of finding how their queerness is layered and intertwined with their neurodivergence, and how those intersect with other minority statuses: of being bi-racial, a child of immigrants, a religious minority. Of feeling unmoored, not belonging, not really fitting into any box, questioning "am I allowed to be myself if I'm so weird?".

The only downside is that the author got oddly preachy at the end. Instead of affirmative, it became prescriptive - "live my life as I do, or you're doing it wrong". I thought the idea was to give people freedom to choose their own inner truth rather than follow the footprints of any guru or teacher. Well, I'm glad the author found their intimate relationship, a net of deep and reliable friendships and their parents turned around and decided to do better in the end. Not all of us can say this. It's so easy to preach "be yourself and you will find your tribe" if you found one.

The book quotes a lot of statistics how most Americans live within 18 miles of their mothers and how 85% of people with autism are routinely rejected from jobs, but it lacks insight into an important, known statistic how most people are friendless and why is that? Is it because we aren't our real, honest, true selves? Because we don't invest enough into other people? The book speaks how family of origin and romantic relationships can be stifling and reinforcing oppressive stereotypes and societal norms, but somehow paints friendships as some form of hippie commune where everyone is accepting you as you are. Unfortunately, I realized I can only be myself if I stop chasing friendships because they tend to enforce people pleasing tendencies - they're so hard to maintain and so easy to break. There's a saying "only in hardship you'll find out who your true friend is", but for most people the sad answer is "actually no one".

It's very easy to start claiming that because you achieved something, it's actually easily achievable for everyone. It's a bias most of us carry, but I wish the author admitted it at least.

4.5 stars rounded up.

Thank you Chronicle Books and NetGalley for the ARC.

[Kat · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Wowowowowowowowow! The fact that this book doesn't have more reviews is crazy to me. Egozi has SUCH a way with words, and not just the elegant, prose-ones, but the raw, rough, ugly words that make their message hit home even harder. For a lifelong people-pleaser (almost compulsively so), I needed this book. I need everyone in my life to read this book. The idea of dismantling ourselves into bits of shame and guilt is so toxic, yet we do it all the time. Sometimes it just takes someone holding your hand and gently (firmly) pointing it out to you. My partner was the first to do it for me, and seeing someone else tell a narrative so similar to my own inner monologue was heartbreaking as much as it was reassuring, comforting. So grateful that I picked this up on a whim at the library. Cannot wait to make it a permanent resident on my shelf. Please, even if you think you've got it all together, please read this book.

[Angel Boucher · Rating 3 out of 5]

Being Bad carries a strong and empowering overall message, and I genuinely appreciated the themes the author is conveying. However, the delivery didn’t fully land for me. The pacing felt slow, and I often had to stop, refocus, and push myself to keep going.

What makes this book even more conflicting is the author herself. On one hand, she absolutely lives out what she preaches, and that kind of authenticity is admirable. On the other hand, there are moments where her tone feels performative—almost as if she’s leaning into the message because it’s trendy, not because it’s deeply rooted.

Ultimately, I wouldn’t recommend purchasing this book. If you have a chance to read it for free, it’s worth a skim for the message alone. But as a buy? I’d probably pass.

[Alexandra Lu · Rating 4 out of 5]

this reads like a nostalgic 2000’s advice column if 2000’s advice columns were inclusive and relevant to my identities. gifted as a goodreads giveaway

[jay k. ❤︎]

dnf

[Katie Gray · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5, Felt a bit rudimentary