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The Witch and the Ostrich
Never trust a necromancer ostrich.
The witch Quin Schumacher ekes out a living as the crotchety colosseum combat critic for the Daily Stardust newspaper. Complicating her job is Fergus, the former Death Lord of Jocrom. Fortunately, Quin already turned him into an ostrich.
On their way to the dilapidated city of Queensworth to see heads roll in the local arena, Quin finds a note in a dead man’s pocket. Written in blood, it hints towards a nefarious conspiracy linking a gladiator to one of Quin’s fellow witches, all of whom are compelled to serve Her Majesty Queen Siobhan the Third.
Meanwhile, Fergus has his own plans to get his powers back, remove Quin's spell on him, and re-establish his empire. He just needs a little help from a local vampire…
Bloody violence, proto-gonzo journalism and deadly women aplenty collide in The Witch and the Ostrich, Jordan A. Werner’s debut satire.
The witch Quin Schumacher ekes out a living as the crotchety colosseum combat critic for the Daily Stardust newspaper. Complicating her job is Fergus, the former Death Lord of Jocrom. Fortunately, Quin already turned him into an ostrich.
On their way to the dilapidated city of Queensworth to see heads roll in the local arena, Quin finds a note in a dead man’s pocket. Written in blood, it hints towards a nefarious conspiracy linking a gladiator to one of Quin’s fellow witches, all of whom are compelled to serve Her Majesty Queen Siobhan the Third.
Meanwhile, Fergus has his own plans to get his powers back, remove Quin's spell on him, and re-establish his empire. He just needs a little help from a local vampire…
Bloody violence, proto-gonzo journalism and deadly women aplenty collide in The Witch and the Ostrich, Jordan A. Werner’s debut satire.
186 pages, Kindle Edition
Published February 6, 2024
8 people are currently reading
48 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
January 26, 2024
“Funny” in science fiction and fantasy can be a challenge. It’s too easy to turn humor into just silliness or stupidity, taking away from the story.
This book is a bit strange, but interesting and the humor seems to work.
Quin is a witch, tasked with watching over an evil lord, Fergus, who was turned into an ostrich. Strange enough yet? Well, he’s also a master of necromancy, trying to get his power back. Quin is trying to keep a job, and deal with Fergus’s antics. Throw in a clueless monarch, more witches, and even a vampire, and things look pretty grim for Quin.
It appears to be the start of a series. The characters are flawed and human (well, maybe not all human) making them interesting.
A fun, simple read.
This book is a bit strange, but interesting and the humor seems to work.
Quin is a witch, tasked with watching over an evil lord, Fergus, who was turned into an ostrich. Strange enough yet? Well, he’s also a master of necromancy, trying to get his power back. Quin is trying to keep a job, and deal with Fergus’s antics. Throw in a clueless monarch, more witches, and even a vampire, and things look pretty grim for Quin.
It appears to be the start of a series. The characters are flawed and human (well, maybe not all human) making them interesting.
A fun, simple read.
July 21, 2024
I'm surprised this was under the radar in the fantasy indie community.
For being on KU and was free during the Indie book charity sale, this was almost on par with Stang, AND it's a debut.
Pace: Slow like molasses until you get about 10% past then you slowly get your bearings and feel of the book and then it's a Rollercoaster. Have fun
Prose: The prose is the saving grace but also the reason I deducted a star. The Satire areas of the book were so good I'm surprised Werner isn't writing scripts.
Now... The action scenes... Are a miss. Half the time it was a little hard to imagine what was happening but I'm giving benefit of doubt that it's just debut syndrome.
There was also a weird instance of describing a boob that felt kinda icky too.
But again, I'll give him the benefit of doubt that it was not intended and he'll learn from it
Plot: Simplistic but does the job
Vibe: ostrich. That's the vibe. Also there's a splash zone for gore.
Characters: They're not the deepest, but they were a blast to see Quinn and Fergus go back and forth like a Manzai duo
Worldbuilding: not a book for deep worldbuilding, but the little we get was interesting. You'll see some crumbs of monarchy, journalism, Fergus being an Ostrich, and a little on Quinn
Very fun ride though and I highly recommend it if you need a break from serious novellas, here ya go
4.2/5
For being on KU and was free during the Indie book charity sale, this was almost on par with Stang, AND it's a debut.
Pace: Slow like molasses until you get about 10% past then you slowly get your bearings and feel of the book and then it's a Rollercoaster. Have fun
Prose: The prose is the saving grace but also the reason I deducted a star. The Satire areas of the book were so good I'm surprised Werner isn't writing scripts.
Now... The action scenes... Are a miss. Half the time it was a little hard to imagine what was happening but I'm giving benefit of doubt that it's just debut syndrome.
There was also a weird instance of describing a boob that felt kinda icky too.
But again, I'll give him the benefit of doubt that it was not intended and he'll learn from it
Plot: Simplistic but does the job
Vibe: ostrich. That's the vibe. Also there's a splash zone for gore.
Characters: They're not the deepest, but they were a blast to see Quinn and Fergus go back and forth like a Manzai duo
Worldbuilding: not a book for deep worldbuilding, but the little we get was interesting. You'll see some crumbs of monarchy, journalism, Fergus being an Ostrich, and a little on Quinn
Very fun ride though and I highly recommend it if you need a break from serious novellas, here ya go
4.2/5
February 8, 2024
The Witch and the Ostrich is an interesting little tale. The beginning of the story goes to the trouble of painting a dusty, smelly, poor, old-western landscape as background. Quin is a witch, though there aren't many of them. The world does know about magic, though supposedly all witches work directly for the Queen. But Quin's a small town journalist relegated to reviewing gladiator pits. She's followed around by her greatest annoyance, the ex-sultan necromancer she turned into an ostrich. For his part, Fergus follows her around and telepathically pesters her on the off chance that she might someday reverse his transformation.
The beginning of the story dragged a bit for me. There is some mystery, some creepy crawlies and erstwhile clergymen. But it wasn't till about midway that it gained speed. There were suddenly zombie hordes and vampires. Lots of action. Political machincations.
I can't say I always understood what was happening or why. But I was interested enough to read till the end. Quin and Fergus grew on me, then annoyed me with being flawed people, then grew on me again.
The beginning of the story dragged a bit for me. There is some mystery, some creepy crawlies and erstwhile clergymen. But it wasn't till about midway that it gained speed. There were suddenly zombie hordes and vampires. Lots of action. Political machincations.
I can't say I always understood what was happening or why. But I was interested enough to read till the end. Quin and Fergus grew on me, then annoyed me with being flawed people, then grew on me again.
February 14, 2024
Ok. I have to admit that the title was what made me pick up this book but, if this is what Jordan A Werner produces as his first novel then I will definitely have another author on my automatic buy list! The book details state that this book has 161 pages but it definitely seemed like more because of all that was packed into it. There is so much backstory to both the country and the two main characters, witch Quinn and Fergus, the necromancer she turned into an ostrich that we (slowly) gain a real connection with them all. I both wanted to read faster to find out what happens and simultaneously wanted to slow down to savor the experience.
Basically it’s a rippin’ great yarn and I hope for a long and varied career in writing for Mr. Werner.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
Basically it’s a rippin’ great yarn and I hope for a long and varied career in writing for Mr. Werner.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
February 12, 2024
Do you like The Might Boosh, Monty Python, Galavant, or What we do in the shadows? Read on...
If you're a fan of chaotic,nonsensical, and slightly nauseating dark humour. Then this is for you.
I would imagine that if you pick up a book called the Witch and the Ostrich, you aren't exactly expecting Game of Thrones, and you would be right.
That being said, this was a thoroughly enjoyable romp.
Fast paced and funny with delightful and deep world building, this was great fun.
Pick this up to enjoying a very satrical epic fantasy adventure.
*I received and ARC of this title from Booksprout in exchange for an honest review.
If you're a fan of chaotic,nonsensical, and slightly nauseating dark humour. Then this is for you.
I would imagine that if you pick up a book called the Witch and the Ostrich, you aren't exactly expecting Game of Thrones, and you would be right.
That being said, this was a thoroughly enjoyable romp.
Fast paced and funny with delightful and deep world building, this was great fun.
Pick this up to enjoying a very satrical epic fantasy adventure.
*I received and ARC of this title from Booksprout in exchange for an honest review.
October 29, 2025
I read a copy of this book as a judge for the SSBA (Small Speculative Book Awards). This review is a reflection of my opinion and not directly of the book's performance in the competition.
There's a lot going on in this book, and it's clearly built on some vibrant fantasy worldbuilding and a really clear idea of what the author wants the atmosphere of the work to be. The issue when reading, for me, was basically that I didn't enjoy that atmosphere.
This is a gritty book with a touch of comedy. It and its main characters have little to no concern for the large numbers of people hurt across the course of the book. Almost every character is happy to wish pain and violence on almost every other character, and everyone approaches this with a general air of sarcasm and frustration and very little genuine love for anyone or anything. And that comes across as intentional, but simultaneously deeply unenjoyable to read. I didn't really want anyone to succeed and didn't see much in the way of something good that any character was fighting for.
I do think irreverence can be fun, but here it wasn't my thing. There were moments when something exciting happened in the plot and I would get more invested in what was about to happen, but these weren't maintained across the book. The ending particularly fell flat for me, unfortunately, as it set up more questions than provided answers. I assume there's some kind of sequel planned, because almost nothing in the book was resolved and no real character arcs were concluded. It was disappointing because I really, really feel like there's something interesting going on here!
There's a lot going on in this book, and it's clearly built on some vibrant fantasy worldbuilding and a really clear idea of what the author wants the atmosphere of the work to be. The issue when reading, for me, was basically that I didn't enjoy that atmosphere.
This is a gritty book with a touch of comedy. It and its main characters have little to no concern for the large numbers of people hurt across the course of the book. Almost every character is happy to wish pain and violence on almost every other character, and everyone approaches this with a general air of sarcasm and frustration and very little genuine love for anyone or anything. And that comes across as intentional, but simultaneously deeply unenjoyable to read. I didn't really want anyone to succeed and didn't see much in the way of something good that any character was fighting for.
I do think irreverence can be fun, but here it wasn't my thing. There were moments when something exciting happened in the plot and I would get more invested in what was about to happen, but these weren't maintained across the book. The ending particularly fell flat for me, unfortunately, as it set up more questions than provided answers. I assume there's some kind of sequel planned, because almost nothing in the book was resolved and no real character arcs were concluded. It was disappointing because I really, really feel like there's something interesting going on here!
February 11, 2024
Witch Quin SchumacherFergus is on her way to a local arena to watch gladiators (term used loosely). The former Death Lord of Jocrom, Fergus, is with her. Only he isn't human since she turned him into an ostrich. Even in his ostrich form he has plans and high hopes to once again take over and rule. When they arrive at their destination and after finding a place to stay, she goes to the Crescent arena and tries to find the politician about which she got a note of his situation. Fergus on the other hand has been ostrich napped and is taken to the Crescent. He's been thrown into a cell with a vampire but being the misogynistic fool he is he doesn't realize she's not only a vampire but one who can use and amplify his powers. Now mayhem has settled over this somewhat peaceful town. Will Quinn manage to save Fergus? Will the town survive? And what's with all the zombies!!??
A story with lots of laughs and craziness and suspense.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
A story with lots of laughs and craziness and suspense.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
February 14, 2024
Our heroine is a witch with quite a bit of attitude. Our hero? He's an ostrich (although not by choice). Let's just say this is very interesting story.
This is something of a fantasy story, but it is not a run-of-the-mill setting. The story is well written and easy to read. The setting is also really well done, but might just take a bit of getting used to. The characters are lots of fun. Not always likeable, but definitely lots of fun. The story itself starts off a bit slow, and then picks up the pace. Overall, I found the story to be highly entertaining and I hope to see more from this author.
Highly recommended.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
This is something of a fantasy story, but it is not a run-of-the-mill setting. The story is well written and easy to read. The setting is also really well done, but might just take a bit of getting used to. The characters are lots of fun. Not always likeable, but definitely lots of fun. The story itself starts off a bit slow, and then picks up the pace. Overall, I found the story to be highly entertaining and I hope to see more from this author.
Highly recommended.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
December 24, 2024
I feel bad to give a negative rating to an indie book, but this was truly terrible and I dnf'd after 2 chapters.
1. The opening was...confusing? And not in a middle-of-the-action way, but in a poorly-explained-exposition way.
2. It was not funny. Misogyny is not funny.
3. Bats are not birds.
4. Also it just, wasn't funny. It was supposed to be a satire. Satires are supposed to be funny. It was not funny.
5. The writing was awkward and bad and didn't flow well. It felt self-published, not indie published.
6. It was NOT FUNNY.
Mostly I'm disappointed that a press that prides itself on publishing queer novels was okay with publishing a novel where most of the humor is "haha misogyny." Misogyny is not funny.
1. The opening was...confusing? And not in a middle-of-the-action way, but in a poorly-explained-exposition way.
2. It was not funny. Misogyny is not funny.
3. Bats are not birds.
4. Also it just, wasn't funny. It was supposed to be a satire. Satires are supposed to be funny. It was not funny.
5. The writing was awkward and bad and didn't flow well. It felt self-published, not indie published.
6. It was NOT FUNNY.
Mostly I'm disappointed that a press that prides itself on publishing queer novels was okay with publishing a novel where most of the humor is "haha misogyny." Misogyny is not funny.
January 12, 2024
Jordan A. Werner does a great job in writing this fantasy novel, it had a great concept and I enjoyed how everything worked. The use of witches worked well in this story and enjoyed turning my enemy into an Ostrich. It had everything that I was hoping for and enjoyed going through this adventure. It had a great satirical atmosphere and I enjoyed what I read.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
January 21, 2024
I was instantaneously drew in by the cover and description. I mean turning people into ostriches? And it definitely lived up to these expectations.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
I received a free copy of this book via Booksprout and am voluntarily leaving a review.
February 13, 2024
This book is a tad different! But different is good sometimes and this is one of those times. I really did enjoy the story. It stretched my mind a tad as some of the things going on and some of the "people" are strange, but fun and enjoyable. Oh hell, just read the damn book! It's worth it.
April 29, 2024
I rated this three stars, but it possibly deserves four stars. It almost felt like an introduction book to the universe and characters. It started getting really good near the end of the book. I hope more books come out in this universe.
June 14, 2024
I had so much fun with this one! I really liked Quin’s tension with the other characters and all the twists and turns of the story. Very cool world building that throws you right into the story, which I always love. I hope there are more books in this universe!
August 23, 2025
If you want a fantasy satire that doesn't take itself seriously, this is a good one. A down-on-her-luck witch and a necromancer warlord turned into an ostrich are writing a paper on a colosseum fight. It takes a couple (quick) chapters to get into the story, and then...hijinks ensue. A fun read!
Want to read
April 9, 2024Early reviews are promising. Take a flyer for $3? Maybe??
March 12, 2025
The only thing I didn’t love about this book is that it was so short. I’m praying that a sequel will fall into my lap soon please
Read
July 2, 2025This is a Small Spec Book Awards nominee!
April 19, 2024
Confused yet? Me too.
I'm not sure where to begin with this one. Start with a community apparently set in the Middle Ages (or early industrial, since there's a flintlock rifle), wherein witchcraft is common and a telepathic bird which used to be an emperor is now used as a pack mule. From there, it gets crazier - trust me, it does.
I'm not sure where to begin with this one. Start with a community apparently set in the Middle Ages (or early industrial, since there's a flintlock rifle), wherein witchcraft is common and a telepathic bird which used to be an emperor is now used as a pack mule. From there, it gets crazier - trust me, it does.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews