How to Leave the Mormon Church: An Exmormon’s Guide to Rebuilding After Religion

by Alyssa Grenfell, John Dehlin (foreword)

Where will you go? After more than 20 years of devotion to the Mormon church, Alyssa Grenfell decided it was time to find out. Join her in a journey of faith deconstruction with this definitive manual to rebuilding after Mormonism.
Consider this the last church handbook you'll ever need!

How to Leave the Mormon Church is the indispensable guide for navigating your way out of the Mormon church. After losing your faith, your first thought was likely, “Now what?” Read this book for advice

Deciding whether or not to leave the churchSharing your news with family and friendsInvestigating new beliefs and frameworksProtecting your mental health during the transitionMoving forward with purpose and intentionOrdering coffee and cocktails for the first timeOvercoming shame surrounding sex and sexualityDating outside the churchExamining and renegotiating political opinionsLeaving Mormonism AND Exmormonism behind
...and so much more! Leaving the church is more than throwing out your garments or taking your name off the church roster. Mormonism is an all-encompassing, high demand religion that seeps into every aspect of your life. This is the comprehensive manual for completely—mentally, emotionally and physically—leaving The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Praise for How to Leave the Mormon

"How to Leave the Mormon Church is a book that was needed for years. It was a book that I wanted to write and tried to write but thankfully I don’t have to write. Alyssa did an amazing job with this guide that will help so many folks to navigate what can often be a turbulent process and journey. Use the guardrails that Alyssa set up for you and you’ll safely be on your way."
—Jeremy Runnells, Author of CES Letter

"I was struck by how thoroughly Alyssa addresses the hurdles faced by those who leave the church. Her encouraging voice will support you with each step along this unknown path. Her compassionate and informed writing approaches the sensitive subject of faith deconstruction with a style that is personal, thoughtful, direct, and fearless. This book is an essential companion for those who feel lost, alone, and confused once their Mormon shelf breaks. Frankly, it is the resource I so desperately needed in the days, months, and years after my own loss of faith."
—John Dehlin, Ph.D., Founder of and Host of Mormon Stories

"What many of us leaving the LDS Church are looking for is a friend. In her vulnerable storytelling and resource sharing, Alyssa brings that friendship to life. This book is a great sounding board to ask questions, access support and get curious about new and old beliefs. It’s a great reminder that in what many consider to be one of the loneliest and disorienting chapters of their lives, you don’t have to do it alone."
—Chelsea Homer, Founder of Faith Journey Meetups and Lost & Found Club

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Religion, Sociology, Mental Health, Christianity, Cults

291 pages, Kindle Edition

Published January 8, 2024

Reviews

[Caitie, Caffeine & Chaos · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a relatively new part of the exMormon community, this book was EVERYTHING for me. This transition and period of uncertainty, fear, anger... This book helped me work through and process things that I've been stuck on for months. The journal prompts, especially, really helped me. I highly recommend to anyone - whether you've left years ago, days ago, or if you're just thinking about where you stand when it comes to this religion.

[Alison Jorgensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Feeling seen. Feeling held. A book I wish had existed a few years ago. 🩷

[Beauregard Bottomley · Rating 4 out of 5]

All religions are nihilistic since they outsource truth to a book based on authority and negate the individual’s ability to determine their own meaning. The internet makes it easy to see their foolishness and high control religions are the most vulnerable.

Testimonials based on feelings from a holy spirit are no longer enough to keep the people hooked on absurdities. I learned when I was 10 years old that the personnel testimonials on the back of my comic books were hogwash. The author gave a brilliant testimonial in her Church on how Joseph Smith was a polygamist and had his problems but she was grateful that the holy spirit (ghost?) still showed her the truth inherent in the Mormon church. Her testimonial did not go over too well, because the others in her group only wanted to share the truths that made them feel good.

The author points out Mormons are latent misogynists. ‘Don’t be a sissy be a man’ is ingrained in the system, women only need a career in case their husband dies. First, I thought how could a woman be part of such a system, then I realized the man is even more at fault for perpetuating that kind of belief.

Here’s a hint: as an adult never let another adult tell you what you can eat or drink. Don’t outsource your happiness to an institution. Drink coffee if you want to. Don’t be part of any institution that denigrates others for how they were born, either as a woman, transgender, or gay. The problem is with you not them.

The author’s Mormon bishop paid for her therapist and his wife took her to her meetings probably saving her from real harm. The author’s future husband mentions that religious beliefs shouldn’t be forced on to others because matters of conscience should not be forced. These are interesting tidbits that the author shares with the reader. Mormons are just as bizarre as every other religion but they have an epistemological bubble that makes the questioning of their own reality as difficult as it was for Truman in “The Truman Show” movie, and when the bubble is pierced the truth becomes overwhelming.

It’s sad that a book like this is required for those who were within a group think that was so overbearing, but a book like this has an audience, and for people like me who have never been religious it is informative on how lucky I’ve been to have never been religious.

[Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found Alyssa’s content on YouTube and immediately wanted to know more. Her writing is so accessible and gentle, inviting you to be curious regardless of your connections within Mormonism.
Part memoir and part guidebook, HTLTMC is an excellent read and provides insights to the huge transformation and deprogramming exMormons experience as they leave the church.

I am not Mormon, but a close friend in the past was and I considered us close while she was navigating challenges within the church. I have even more empathy now after finishing this book.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even though I left the church six years ago, I checked out this book to add to the library requests. I read it to know if it was worthy of sharing either friends and family. And it is. So much of this book resonated with me, still. It brought up so many feelings and struggles that I experienced. The second half I would be so useful in navigating life after Mormonism. Highly recommend!

[Katharine Juchau · Rating 5 out of 5]

Feeling heard, understood and loved

This book helped me remember that I am not alone. Leaving the Mormon church is hard and was not an easy decision, but none of it made sense anymore and the more I tried to learn and force myself to believe… the more I learned that it is not true. I took the leap and left.

I’ve been officially out of the Mormon church for 15 months. It’s the best decision I have ever made. I am happy. I am starting to live life and actually love everyday moments. Deconstructing my faith has been so incredibly challenging. This book helped walk through things that I have been trying to process or understand why I think what I still think even though I no longer believe in Mormonism. This book is incredible. Highly recommend!

[Kelso Hope · Rating 5 out of 5]

Though I did not grow up in Mormonism, I grew up in a high-demand/control Christian sect. I left the church 11 years ago, and I wish I would have had a book like this while exiting my community and experiencing a crisis of faith. If you’re an ex-fundi, this is a great book to read, if even just to gain perspective of where you’ve grown from.

[Dayvid · Rating 5 out of 5]

as someone who's never been Mormon and has no connection to Mormonism, this book has been incredibly interesting and insightful. The mix of personal anecdotes, advice, resources and stories from brown and queer ex-Mormons makes the book really engaging. I've found quite a few things in here really helpful and eye-opening, even outside of the books intended context and audience

[Erin]

Whoa. My shift to hetereodoxy has been several years long. If it matters, I still attend despite my objections to several social positions amd my issues with patterns of dishonesty about church history, but I like this book because of its reminder to take issues at turn, examine assumptions and beliefs, and then decide to keep, reject or change each one. I also marked up thoroughly with questions and upon reading something that really reflected my own experiences.

The second half is a guide on how to safely drink, use drugs, have sex, vote, etc. Alyssa does a good job of explaining factual info and pros and cons clearly, despite not feeling confident abojt each of them herself. I've taught high schoolers health in very much the same way. I recommend, though only to others who have left Mormonism or other high demand religions, or at least to people who are comfortable with a lot of grey nuance about religion's role in their lives.

[Ryan Dickinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I should start by saying I’m a never-Mormon, though I’ve always been fascinated by religious studies, especially high-demand religions and cult dynamics. That interest led me to Alyssa Grenfell’s YouTube channel, where I’ve enjoyed her thoughtful Ex-Mormon content, so I was curious to read her work in print.

This book delivers exactly what it promises. Because I’m not someone trying to leave a high-demand religion, much of the practical guidance doesn’t apply to my own life. But, I can easily see how invaluable it would be for people who are in that position. I went in hoping for more personal stories, but I don’t hold that against the book; it’s very clear about its purpose, and it fulfills that purpose well.

It’s a tricky one for me to rate for all those reasons, but I’d land around a 4.5.

[Máiréad Deacy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Probably can’t give the most fair review because I am not in the niche/ target audience. I could relate and overall appreciate the insight for religious deconstruction though. I do think I would have liked for the author to have delved more into some of her personal experiences, and I do think the book could have used a better editor; however, I think this book could be a great tool for people, particularly those at the crossroads of leaving their religion.

[Anna Messy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A comprehensive guide to Mormonism and how to get out. The book is a good reference to flip around in, and helps you get all the info you need to leave.

[Amber Dyson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m an even smaller part of the already niche audience for this book: people who were raised in the church. but were forced to leave against their will before adulthood.

When I was growing up, my mom was Mormon and my father was an atheist, so there was a lot of tension around religion. Most Mormons are baptized at 8, I had to wait until I was 9. This was the compromise my parents came to… my dad didn’t want me to be baptized at all. He probably hoped that over the course of the year I would lose interest. No such luck (as an adult I have a deeper understanding of how strongly this was pushed on me as we continued to attend church).

Later, when I was 11, my mom withdrew from the church, no longer believing it to be part of Christianity. This was devastating for young me. As a devout Mormon, I believed everyone’s souls were on the line.

I spent much of my adolescence looking for another church, but eventually realized what I missed was actually COMMUNITY. I deconstructed the FAITH-related parts of my religious beliefs and built my own community with similar-minded friends and relatives.

In my late forties, however, I realized that I never unpacked a lot of the CULTURAL beliefs that I still held close despite decades of estrangement from the LDS church. For example, the Sunday School motto of “Choose the Right” instilled in me a deep investment into both real and perceived fairness.

At the same time, I also realized, heartsick, that these hidden values, often held on a subconscious level, were keeping me from exploring parts of myself and holding me back from an authentic expression of self.

This year, I resolved to complete my Mormon deconstruction, which includes excavating these deeply held (but often neglected) beliefs, and choosing which ones are serving me (keep) vs hurting me (discard). This book has been a critical part of that journey, and I am so grateful it exists.

[Mary Pilling · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like this book. There were a couple parts that didn’t feel applicable to me or like it was biased but besides that it really felt like what I went through as I was leaving and processing the church not being true. I wish I had this book as I was leaving the church.

[Lilly Cash · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful book to help with deconstruction. A topic for which there is little to no information and is often filled with shame. This is a supportive and loving book that gives you the freedom to reconstruct your own belief system and reminds you that you are not alone. Others have gone through this before you as others will come after you.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I can see this being initially helpful for a lot of folks leaving a high demand religion. It gives a broad overview of some of the many challenges people face. It is short and more of a broad overview and doesn’t address the depth or complexity of the emotional toll this takes. Still, I really appreciate her story and I believe it can offer hope and a map to consider for many folks in the throes of their world turns upside down.

This isn’t a ‘How To’, rather it’s more of a ‘How I did it, you can too,’ with things to think about for yourself along the way.
The journal prompts for self reflection were great and I think very helpful if people actually use them.

The two things that really bothered me were:

1- She didn’t even talk about patriarchy! Like, you can’t not grapple with that if you’re leaving Mormonism or any other high demand religion. If anything I wish there was an epilogue that said something like “ok now you’ve done the first basic layer of going through deconstruction, but here are the deeper things to continue working through… EG patriarchy and the effects of this religious programming on gender roles and how that might continue to show up, or not getting stuck in more fundamentalist thinking like her suggested evangelism of exmormonism, etc etc.

2- Ending with becoming ex exmormon, but with no map for that since she is clearly staying very staunchly in the ‘exmormon evangelist’ stage. If there’s one thing that makes the book less helpful, it is writing a book titled “How To Leave” but still being so entrenched in a brand (or identity or whatever) that is completely still all about the religion. So she really hasn’t left. I wish she’d have consulted other people who really have fully left and moved on, and written it on how to get to the fully left stage since she hasn’t imo.

[Sarah Irving · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel bad rating this book so low because I really love Alyssa and I think the intention of the book is very important, but practically speaking it has a lot of issues. The writing isn't very strong and it could benefit a lot from an editor. There are typos, repetitions, and mistakes throughout. I think this book and the ideas it presents are vital for someone leaving the church to have access to and the questions for reflection are very well done. But overall I feel like it needs another round of editing to become better and clearer.

[Autumn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recommend this book to anyone having any kind of faith crisis. You're not alone ❤️

[Katherine]

def not the intended audience I just love alyssa and learning about high demand religions.

[Kenya Starflight · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book couldn't have come into my life at a better time. I've been struggling with parting ways with the Mormon church for some time now, but have never been quite able to find the courage to cut ties and to live my own, unashamed life. Alyssa Grenfell's YouTube channel has been illuminating regarding some of the things the Mormon church refuses to talk about, but her book is ultimately hopeful and helpful, a guide to help someone having a crisis of faith to take that final step away from the church and build a new life afterwards.

This is NOT anti-Mormon literature. It's not a book intended to expose all the church's dirty laundry. Instead it's a guide for those who have already decided to part ways with the church. It will help you gauge what your current beliefs are, and coach you on how to tell friends and family members that you're no longer a believer. And it will help you navigate the world outside the church -- from buying new underwear to finding a new support system to deciding what your stance is on alcohol, politics, sexuality and gender, etc.

This book can be read straight through, but it can also be perused as needed or used as a workbook -- it includes thoughtful questions to ponder and write about, and space in the back to record answers as needed. And while it's not a substitute for an actual mental health professional, it does offer encouragement and assure the reader that, no matter where they are in their journey, they're doing well and that it's normal to struggle a bit along the way.

I found this book amazingly helpful in my journey, and I recommend it to anyone who's leaving the church, has already left, or is questioning their place in it.

[Sierra Higgins · Rating 5 out of 5]

For some time I have been questioning if I should stay or go from this religion and there is so many thought-provoking journal prompts for me to write on that I have because of this book. I feel like this book would help anyone questioning IF they want to stay or go. Alyssa does not outright tell you to leave, but she leaves you with questions for you to ponder on for journal entries. One of my favorite things I read in this book was about how if you lose friends over NOT believing in the church anymore. She said they were NEVER your friends to begin with, if they don't accept your choices regarding the church. There is SO much to explore in this book and I find it extremely helpful in my faith journey. In this book Alyssa is NOT straying you to be a certain way, she just WANTS YOU to find your path and she WANTS YOU to ultimately find yourself. I have been struggling to find myself lately and this book IS helping me find it. Most of my family is not highly active in the church and they were inactive when I was highly active in the church, but this book still HELPED ME tremendously. I am still going through this process, but it is so nice to know I can come back to this book and feel validated, seen, and heard. I will be using the journal prompts in the very near future. Thank you Alyssa for writing this. This is so helpful.

[D. E. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this as someone who grew up outside of the LDS community, but was very aware of them because of where I grew up (Southern California). Where Grenfell talks about her steps away from the LDS church, her disillusionment, her experiences, they really highlight a deep insider knowledge and comfort with the culture. Also, she talks frankly about some of the steps she took and makes it clear that those steps aren't for everyone.

However, as someone who was never Mormon, and will never be Mormon, I feel like there were exercises and parts of the book that weren't for me (the write and reflects sprinkled throughout the book, the section on the different substances/things you can try now that "you" aren't part of the LDS community anymore, etc.) I think another thing that didn't engage me as a reader was some of the way she mentioned certain things (such as the CES letter and parts of Mormon doctrine) without going into too much depth about them. I had to do some research, and wonder if I had been part of the LDS world if I would have known them better. It wasn't her duty to educate someone outside of the church, and she does talk about them in her YouTube channel.

Overall, an interesting read, but one that I didn't get as much out of as I might have otherwise.

[Peter · Rating 2 out of 5]

In the TV series Severance, a group of workers who have no experience with life outside of work stumble upon a book called "The You You Are." This book is mostly filled with boilerplate platitudes that are common in self help books ("Your job needs you, not the other way around"). However, for the workers who have been steeped in corporate propaganda their whole lives, the book is transformative and is the catalyst for the season finale's workplace rebellion.

This might seem harsh, but in my opinion this book is "The You You Are" for fresh ex-Mormons. It doesn't offer anything insightful or nuanced about faith transition and deconstruction, but it might be helpful to those who have been raised in a very Orthodox and conservative brand of Mormonism. As a practicing Mormon who was interested in reading the book to learn more about the ex-Mormon experience, I was a bit disappointed by this book.

The book contains many personal anecdotes that deal with Grenfell's personal experience of deconstruction while in the process of and after leaving the Mormon church. To me these are the strongest sections of the book, but they're much more personal memoir than practical advice that's applicable to people with different backgrounds even within the Mormon church.

The sections about exploring Mormon taboos has some helpful practical advice, mainly emphasizing that ex-Mormons should take their time and do their research before changing their lifestyles drastically. But it also seems to present (ultra-conservstive American) Mormon cultural ideas as Mormon doctrine that needs to be deconstructed. Actually, there are plenty of Mormons who watch R-rated movies, wear tank-tops when they exercise, and listen to Brittney Spears. Some of us are even Democrats!

There's also (imo) some genuinely bad advice in these sections, including that you should scream "you f**king c*nt-- preferably out the window during the calmest time of day in your neighborhood." The worst advice, however, is that ex-Mormon men should "buy [their] first Speedo."

The sections that claim to be about practical advice on how to transition away from the Mormon church are probably the weakest chapters. While the author claims to be simply a "companion for the journey" of leaving the church, she seems to strongly imply that the correct path is to cut off all connections to the church and become an atheist nihilist. The advice is also contradictory at times: one section will advise you not to deceive others about your faith crisis and the next will have a list of excuses to tell people when they ask why you aren't going to church.

In general, I do not understand who the audience of this book is supposed to be. Grenfell will mention Mormon temple rituals and Mormon reddit lingo without any explanation, but will then spend half a page (PG. 98) describing what "Mainstream Christianity" is, including this gem of a sentence: "There are many different denominations of Christianity, and Mormonism is one of them." She also feels the need to let you know that after you order at a coffee shop, "when they call your name, step up and get your drink."

Finally, the back of the book claims that it gives advice on how to leave exmormonism behind. This was the discussion I was most interested in reading, and it's simply not present in this book. In fact, the author claims she is an "ex-Mormon Zealot" (Ch. 3, PG 73).

Giving the book two stars because it seems like it's been helpful for a certain demographic of ex-Mormons. I can't imagine this book will be interesting or useful to many others.

[Nastia Shpyt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had this book 3 years ago when I left Jehovah's Witnesses.

It's unbelievable how much my experiences align with Alyssa's. Everything from being scared to wear more revealing clothes to changing your views and religious mindset.

It's a solid recommendation to anybody who leaves pretty much any religion. If you've already been out for a while, you might find it not too helpful, but I would still advise to give it a try: it's good to know that you are not the only one feeling all kinds of emotions and being unable to break the restrictions you've lived with for a long time.

I appreciate the approach of Alyssa: she doesn't directly say what you *should* do, but rather *suggests* some options which are not absolutely necessary to follow. I might not agree with every and each word, but this book gave me food for thinking. And a good dozen of quotes :)

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a beautiful, well written, poignant, and to the point “how to” on a topic that has never been so deeply discussed. Alyssa is brilliant and I enjoyed this book so much. I would recommend to anyone leaving a high demand religion or even anyone who grew up in a culture heavily influenced by religion.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is EVERYTHING. I wish so badly that I had it during the early stages of my exit from the LDS church. Reading it felt like I was finally being seen for the first time. To hear someone validate the journey so beautifully and give such encouraging and needed counsel was a life saver for me. I didn't realize how badly I needed to hear someone else share their experiences, and give concrete advice for how to build a life outside the church. Reading this book was like learning how to breathe again in the most beautiful, encouraging way. I loved every minute of it.

[Janice · Rating 5 out of 5]

5⭐️ she’s great! I didn’t need to read this book for the purpose that’s stated in the title but I believe if I did, this would absolutely help bridge the gap and aid in the path to non-Mormon life. As someone on the outside, I found her memoir-like excerpts more compelling than the advising and would totally read that if she writes a memoir!!

[Laura]

Interesting book; bought it because we have been watching her youtube channel and wanted to support her, besides the content itself being interesting. This is definitely a book for people who need this specific content, rather than being for those curious about the evils of the mormon church generally, but by all accounts it's a great resource for people who need it.

[Kalyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am not Mormon, but I do follow Alyssa on social media and was curious. From the reflection writing prompts to her own experience would be helpful to anyone in a crisis of faith or their beliefs. Even if not in a crisis of who they and what they believe, Alyssa provides great prompts to help someone expand their knowledge and think critically.

[Sarah Karas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Alyssa’s YouTube channel, and while this book wasn’t applicable to me directly as a practicing Catholic, it is so well written and the amount of thought and care put into it was evident. I didn’t agree with everything in her book, but as someone who loves consuming content like this, it was such a good read. 4 stars ⭐️