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Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy
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304 pages, Paperback
First published January 25, 2022
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March 16, 2022
I have a checkered history with self-help and pop psychology books that has led to a high, high bar. I want science, but I also want empathy, and a social justice lens that sees the ways systemic issues make happiness and optimism challenging or impossible for some groups. I want the author to be someone who has struggled with serious issues or real suffering; if they haven't, I want them to be clear-eyed about that fact and able to see it and appreciate the role luck has played in their lives. Most importantly, I want them not to be advocating for strategies likely to expose their readers to greater harm. I want a decent writer and minimal woo. If they're offering strategies, I want them to be ones that could work, I want flexibility and generosity, I want them to be looking also towards larger changes that promote equality and make everyone's lives better.
And, well, here it is. Friends, this is It.
That it also happens to be on a subject near and dear to my heart is a bonus. A huge bonus. But still.
Look -- I'm a type 1 diabetic single parent of a disabled teen with a very rare genetic condition, who comes from a family rife with serious mental health issues, personality disorders, abuse, addiction and neglect, and I work in climate change. In each and every one of those, toxic positivity has been the bane of my existence. Every single one has been hand-waved away by people claiming that all I/we need is a positive attitude, and I know I've been excluded because of my 'negativity.' Very little is as enraging as feeling the requirement to be cheerful about issues and situations that cause you genuine and reasonable despair.
I was prepared to appreciate the author's message on this basis (and I'm so happy not to have been disappointed). If we're going to solve climate change, you know what? We need to be able to confront and feel some really terrible and dark emotions. We need to be prepared and able to go to some hard places. We need to be able to acknowledge that we are already in that hard place. But our culture is so stuck on Happiness and Positivity that not only do we, I believe, shut down conversations on the reality of climate breakdown because it's a bummer, but we punish the people working to solve it because they're Debbie Downers. And then get angry at them when they haven't fixed it already. It's a poisoned mess.
That Goodman writes clearly and well on how toxic positivity works, the damage it causes, and the alternatives (which does not mean being negative all the time but does mean realizing the importance of negativity when appropriate), is the most important thing; that she also does so while acknowledging the special harms toxic positivity poses to those experiencing discrimination was an unlooked-for blessing. Particularly given that her come-to-jesus story was about how she learned better in her work with chronically ill and disabled people, after seeing how damaging toxic positivity was there especially; Goodman writes with knowledge and sensitivity on issues like inspiration porn and 'overcoming' that I have previously only seen from disabled writers writing for a disabled audience.
It's four stars rather than five because we can't do half stars, and because I didn't personally learn much new from it; but it's very clear to me that many/most people would learn a great deal and our societies and world would be greatly improved if more people did. So please read it. Particularly if this feels confronting and you don't see the harm with phrases like "happiness is a choice," "good vibes only" or "the only disability in life is a bad attitude."
And, well, here it is. Friends, this is It.
That it also happens to be on a subject near and dear to my heart is a bonus. A huge bonus. But still.
Look -- I'm a type 1 diabetic single parent of a disabled teen with a very rare genetic condition, who comes from a family rife with serious mental health issues, personality disorders, abuse, addiction and neglect, and I work in climate change. In each and every one of those, toxic positivity has been the bane of my existence. Every single one has been hand-waved away by people claiming that all I/we need is a positive attitude, and I know I've been excluded because of my 'negativity.' Very little is as enraging as feeling the requirement to be cheerful about issues and situations that cause you genuine and reasonable despair.
I was prepared to appreciate the author's message on this basis (and I'm so happy not to have been disappointed). If we're going to solve climate change, you know what? We need to be able to confront and feel some really terrible and dark emotions. We need to be prepared and able to go to some hard places. We need to be able to acknowledge that we are already in that hard place. But our culture is so stuck on Happiness and Positivity that not only do we, I believe, shut down conversations on the reality of climate breakdown because it's a bummer, but we punish the people working to solve it because they're Debbie Downers. And then get angry at them when they haven't fixed it already. It's a poisoned mess.
That Goodman writes clearly and well on how toxic positivity works, the damage it causes, and the alternatives (which does not mean being negative all the time but does mean realizing the importance of negativity when appropriate), is the most important thing; that she also does so while acknowledging the special harms toxic positivity poses to those experiencing discrimination was an unlooked-for blessing. Particularly given that her come-to-jesus story was about how she learned better in her work with chronically ill and disabled people, after seeing how damaging toxic positivity was there especially; Goodman writes with knowledge and sensitivity on issues like inspiration porn and 'overcoming' that I have previously only seen from disabled writers writing for a disabled audience.
It's four stars rather than five because we can't do half stars, and because I didn't personally learn much new from it; but it's very clear to me that many/most people would learn a great deal and our societies and world would be greatly improved if more people did. So please read it. Particularly if this feels confronting and you don't see the harm with phrases like "happiness is a choice," "good vibes only" or "the only disability in life is a bad attitude."
April 20, 2022
going into this, i had a feeling i would really like it and i loved it. it is so validating and refreshing!
i would like to throw this book at a few certain people's heads :)
i would like to throw this book at a few certain people's heads :)
February 24, 2022
I tend to stay away from the self-help genre because it annoys me. This book, however, is completely different and I felt "heard" as I read it. As someone who was/still is obsessed with Pinterest, it's inevitable to come across all those flowy, pastel colored positive quotes. I wouldn't call myself a full blown pessimist, but I'm definitely a realist and looking at the "but something bad could happen" side of things. Fake optimism is obnoxious, but constantly stuffed down our throats. In college, there was a lot of toxic positivity masquerading as group activities, girl talks, and floor decorations. While there is nothing wrong with supporting each other, these groups focused so much on uplifting each other with positive vibes and optimistic mantras that they left the ones who actually needed support in the dust. If you didn't go to these meetings or feel your dormmates' support, you were ignored because you might drag down the mood with your realism.
This book doesn't bash being positive, on the contrary, it states that being happy and positive is a very good thing. Optimism is excellent... in the right setting, but highly inappropriate in others. One of the author's many points that stood out to me was using positive sayings to shut down conversations that are awkward for the listener. This is very common, from telling people "things could always be worse" when they lost their job to saying "it's easy to get pregnant, you'll have another one soon" to couples experiencing miscarriages. Even if this situation is uncomfortable to the listener, there are things to say and do to be more supportive and not belittle another person's suffering (e.g. cooking a meal for them, explaining you feel uncomfortable talking about it with them and suggest someone who is a better listener).
Approachable, Realistic, with Attainable goals, this is definitely worth the read for all the doubters (like I was).
This is my first 5 star read for the year! It's about time.
This book doesn't bash being positive, on the contrary, it states that being happy and positive is a very good thing. Optimism is excellent... in the right setting, but highly inappropriate in others. One of the author's many points that stood out to me was using positive sayings to shut down conversations that are awkward for the listener. This is very common, from telling people "things could always be worse" when they lost their job to saying "it's easy to get pregnant, you'll have another one soon" to couples experiencing miscarriages. Even if this situation is uncomfortable to the listener, there are things to say and do to be more supportive and not belittle another person's suffering (e.g. cooking a meal for them, explaining you feel uncomfortable talking about it with them and suggest someone who is a better listener).
Approachable, Realistic, with Attainable goals, this is definitely worth the read for all the doubters (like I was).
This is my first 5 star read for the year! It's about time.
May 21, 2023
Review after 2nd read.
I found TOXIC POSITIVITY by Whitney Goodman on the Libby app. Check for your local library on the app and read great books for free!📚
This is a good self-help and exposition nonfiction book exploring the trend toward self-healing by positive thinking and some of the pitfalls of that thought process. The book is very informative, and provides insights into both the desire to be relentlessly positive, and how to cope with those feelings so we don't need to rely so much on positivity.
Rating 😁😁😁😁 / 5 really big smiles
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: May 16 2023
Format: Audiobook, Libby
Read this if you like:
🥰 Self-help books
📓 Nonfiction books
👤 Psychology books
🌞 Positivity
I found TOXIC POSITIVITY by Whitney Goodman on the Libby app. Check for your local library on the app and read great books for free!📚
This is a good self-help and exposition nonfiction book exploring the trend toward self-healing by positive thinking and some of the pitfalls of that thought process. The book is very informative, and provides insights into both the desire to be relentlessly positive, and how to cope with those feelings so we don't need to rely so much on positivity.
Rating 😁😁😁😁 / 5 really big smiles
Recommend? Yes!
Finished: May 16 2023
Format: Audiobook, Libby
Read this if you like:
🥰 Self-help books
📓 Nonfiction books
👤 Psychology books
🌞 Positivity
August 29, 2022
It started off pretty good and just felt repetitive after. Also, I couldn't help but notice how she used the word "complained" when describing how her patients shared something with her.
Overall I understand the theme of toxic positivity but some of the "toxic" comment examples she listed didn't actually seem toxic to me, while some of her suggestions on appropriate things to say sounded like a cop out response. I think toxic positivity depends on the receiver and how they process your response. If it's not what they want to hear, they might feel misunderstood or alone which would be interpreted as toxic positivity. If it is what they want to hear then they'll feel supported. But how is anyone supposed to know exactly the right thing to say when everyone reacts differently?
Rather than telling readers what is appropriate vs not, it would've been more helpful if she shared advice on how to clearly communicate your intentions and thoughts so it doesnt come off as toxic positivity to the other person.
Overall I understand the theme of toxic positivity but some of the "toxic" comment examples she listed didn't actually seem toxic to me, while some of her suggestions on appropriate things to say sounded like a cop out response. I think toxic positivity depends on the receiver and how they process your response. If it's not what they want to hear, they might feel misunderstood or alone which would be interpreted as toxic positivity. If it is what they want to hear then they'll feel supported. But how is anyone supposed to know exactly the right thing to say when everyone reacts differently?
Rather than telling readers what is appropriate vs not, it would've been more helpful if she shared advice on how to clearly communicate your intentions and thoughts so it doesnt come off as toxic positivity to the other person.
February 2, 2023
Aš vis labiau kraupstu nuo pridygusių visokio plauko mokymų, kuriuose kviečiama manifestuoti ir mintimis siųsti ir kviesti meilę, taiką, gausą, gerovę, sveikatą ir t.t., ir pan. Dažnai nuslepiama tokių mokymų pasekmė yra iškreiptas santykis su asmenine atsakomybe, lydimas kaltės, gėdos ir vienišumo. Minčių, svajonių, linkėjimų galia mūsų gyvenimams apskritai pervertinta iki negaliu, bet kur nebus, kai šitai yra vienas iš patogiausių būdų negalvoti apie diskriminaciją ir kitas socialines problemas. Gi jei kažko neturi, negali ar nepatiri, tai matyt ne taip galvoji, ne tą skleidi ir apskritai nežinai, ko nori.
Whitney Goodman šitai labai gražiai ir išsamiai sukritikuoja. Greta dar surašo, ką daryti užuot kiekvieną kartą ieškojus pseudopozityvių klišių. Daugiau tokios informacijos ir gal kaip nors pavyktų pozityvumą vėl normaliu padaryt.
Whitney Goodman šitai labai gražiai ir išsamiai sukritikuoja. Greta dar surašo, ką daryti užuot kiekvieną kartą ieškojus pseudopozityvių klišių. Daugiau tokios informacijos ir gal kaip nors pavyktų pozityvumą vėl normaliu padaryt.
May 19, 2022
I would like to apologize for all my unsolicited advice aka the toxic positivity.
Setelah membaca buku ini, aku baru tahu kalau kata-kata yang awalnya ditujukan untuk menyemangati ternyata masuk dalam kriteria "toxic positivity." Kita banyak yang belum tahu karena "it ingrained us." Kita terpapar oleh ucapan itu dan secara otomatis melontarkan kepada orang lain ketika mereka berkeluh kesah.
Contohnya ketika kemarin aku merasa kesal dan marah. When I told my team member, responnya singkat saja. "Nggak perlu marah. Dia orangnya memang seperti itu. Ini sudah kesekian kalinya kok."
Apakah team memberku salah? Nggak juga. Bisa jadi dia memang nggak tahu kalau ada alternatif jawaban yang lebih baik. Kalimat responnya tadi membuatku merasa kalau kemarahanku konyol, tidak patut untuk dirasakan/dialami. Alias aku buang-buang waktu saja untuk ngedumel.
Itulah yang coba dijelaskan oleh Whitney Goodman dalam bukunya.
Kehadiran toxic positivity malah nggak mendatangkan semangat melainkan pesan tersirat yang menyatakan bahwa emosi negatif kita nggak patut untuk dirasakan. Kalau terus-terusan emosi itu nggak di-acknowledge, bisa-bisa malah membuat kesehatan mental terganggu.
Lantas, kalau kemarin aku lapor ke timku tentang perilaku bos yang asal njeplak itu, bagaimana respon yang baik tanpa memasukkan unsur toxic positivity? Beri validasi bahwa emosi marah dan kesal itu nggak enak seperti, "Pasti sebel banget ya, Hestia?" dan tanya, bantuan apa yang dibutuhkan.
Tulisan-tulisan yang ada di buku beberapa bisa dibaca di Instagram @sitwithwhit . Bedanya, buku lebih banyak penjelasan serta studi kasus nyata yang relevan dengan keseharian kita.
Toxic Positivity adalah buku yang eye-opening buatku. Bikin aku refleksi kalau orang bisa banget nge-block aku di mana-mana karena aku sotoy. Sok kasih semangat padahal itu nggak dia butuhkan.
So, once again, I am sorry. Semoga ke depannya aku bisa semakin hati-hati dan berempati ketika merespon curhatannya teman-teman.
Setelah membaca buku ini, aku baru tahu kalau kata-kata yang awalnya ditujukan untuk menyemangati ternyata masuk dalam kriteria "toxic positivity." Kita banyak yang belum tahu karena "it ingrained us." Kita terpapar oleh ucapan itu dan secara otomatis melontarkan kepada orang lain ketika mereka berkeluh kesah.
Contohnya ketika kemarin aku merasa kesal dan marah. When I told my team member, responnya singkat saja. "Nggak perlu marah. Dia orangnya memang seperti itu. Ini sudah kesekian kalinya kok."
Apakah team memberku salah? Nggak juga. Bisa jadi dia memang nggak tahu kalau ada alternatif jawaban yang lebih baik. Kalimat responnya tadi membuatku merasa kalau kemarahanku konyol, tidak patut untuk dirasakan/dialami. Alias aku buang-buang waktu saja untuk ngedumel.
Itulah yang coba dijelaskan oleh Whitney Goodman dalam bukunya.
Kehadiran toxic positivity malah nggak mendatangkan semangat melainkan pesan tersirat yang menyatakan bahwa emosi negatif kita nggak patut untuk dirasakan. Kalau terus-terusan emosi itu nggak di-acknowledge, bisa-bisa malah membuat kesehatan mental terganggu.
Lantas, kalau kemarin aku lapor ke timku tentang perilaku bos yang asal njeplak itu, bagaimana respon yang baik tanpa memasukkan unsur toxic positivity? Beri validasi bahwa emosi marah dan kesal itu nggak enak seperti, "Pasti sebel banget ya, Hestia?" dan tanya, bantuan apa yang dibutuhkan.
Tulisan-tulisan yang ada di buku beberapa bisa dibaca di Instagram @sitwithwhit . Bedanya, buku lebih banyak penjelasan serta studi kasus nyata yang relevan dengan keseharian kita.
Toxic Positivity adalah buku yang eye-opening buatku. Bikin aku refleksi kalau orang bisa banget nge-block aku di mana-mana karena aku sotoy. Sok kasih semangat padahal itu nggak dia butuhkan.
So, once again, I am sorry. Semoga ke depannya aku bisa semakin hati-hati dan berempati ketika merespon curhatannya teman-teman.
March 5, 2022
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️. Toxic Positivity?
Well, first of all let’s be clear. Positivity in and of itself is NOT toxic, but it can become toxic. I think it’s important to make that distinction, lest someone thinks Whitney Goodman is saying to be positive is to be toxic.
That isn’t the case. She’s addressing the ever so irritating be ‘happy and positive’ culture, which needs to be called out for how it feeds depression, anxiety and mental health challenges in people.
She fills the text with personal anecdotes and experiences with clients from her personal therapy practice. One of the things I found most effective with this book, are the abundance of questions she throws at the reader.
These questions help you to check in with yourself to see if you are guilty of a certain offense or if you are clear and ready to do better. This book will definitely make you a more effective supporter of self and others.
Before, the coining of the phrase, ‘Toxic Positivity’, I would refer to the toxic behavior of constantly happy and overly positive folk as fake and phony. The phony fakes often go to great lengths to convince others all is fine and dandy, but is it really?
And if one is suppressing the ‘negative’ is that ultimately healthful. I think that’s an easy answer. So, Ms. Goodman is imploring us all to use our ability to process through our emotions and feelings both good and bad.
This book worked well for me, because I’ve always thought of myself as a realist, and when you speak the real in certain settings you can quickly be labeled as the ‘negative’ one. It was good to see a therapist addressing this nonsense and providing tools to recognize and combat this BS.
In that sense, it was a freeing of sorts and a validation of my position at times. She ultimately takes a hammer to the self-help industry in a bid to help us become more aware and useful in our support. A definite winner. Buy it. Engage with it honestly and see if your vision becomes clearer.
Well, first of all let’s be clear. Positivity in and of itself is NOT toxic, but it can become toxic. I think it’s important to make that distinction, lest someone thinks Whitney Goodman is saying to be positive is to be toxic.
That isn’t the case. She’s addressing the ever so irritating be ‘happy and positive’ culture, which needs to be called out for how it feeds depression, anxiety and mental health challenges in people.
She fills the text with personal anecdotes and experiences with clients from her personal therapy practice. One of the things I found most effective with this book, are the abundance of questions she throws at the reader.
These questions help you to check in with yourself to see if you are guilty of a certain offense or if you are clear and ready to do better. This book will definitely make you a more effective supporter of self and others.
Before, the coining of the phrase, ‘Toxic Positivity’, I would refer to the toxic behavior of constantly happy and overly positive folk as fake and phony. The phony fakes often go to great lengths to convince others all is fine and dandy, but is it really?
And if one is suppressing the ‘negative’ is that ultimately healthful. I think that’s an easy answer. So, Ms. Goodman is imploring us all to use our ability to process through our emotions and feelings both good and bad.
This book worked well for me, because I’ve always thought of myself as a realist, and when you speak the real in certain settings you can quickly be labeled as the ‘negative’ one. It was good to see a therapist addressing this nonsense and providing tools to recognize and combat this BS.
In that sense, it was a freeing of sorts and a validation of my position at times. She ultimately takes a hammer to the self-help industry in a bid to help us become more aware and useful in our support. A definite winner. Buy it. Engage with it honestly and see if your vision becomes clearer.
February 12, 2022
Het is wonderlijk hoe sommige boeken op precies het juiste moment onder je aandacht komen. Bij mij gebeurde het door een tweet met een boekbespreking in het Algemeen Dagblad.Het sloot zo aan bij wat ik een paar weken eerder had meegemaakt: een trauma-trigger waarbij ik niet eens precies begreep waarom mij dat zo triggerde. Alleen dat het aansloot bij wat invalidation wordt genoemd, een woord waarvoor de Nederlandse vertaler ook geen Nederlands equivalent weet, hij omschrijft het als: "Valideren is met begrip en compassie erkenning geven aan een ervaring (bijvoorbeeld een emotie) van iemand, zodat die ander zich gezien en erkend voelt […]."
Zelf schreef ik er eerder een blog over.
De meeste mensen denken dat positiviteit alleen maar positief is. Als je maar blij en dankbaar in het leven staat, komt alles vanzelf goed. Het ergst wordt dit gedachtengoed aangehangen in kringen van The Secret: je hebt alle nare dingen die je overkomen aan jezelf te wijten, want je hebt ze gelokt met je boze gedachten. (ook al eens over geschreven, trouwens)
Goodman legt heel goed uit wanneer positiviteit giftig wordt. (Ik heb de Engelse versie gelezen maar er staat een flink inkijkexemplaar van de vertaling bij bol. Paginanummers verwijzen naar de Engelse uitgave.)
Positiviteit wordt giftig als het wordt gebruikt:
• in gesprekken waarin iemand uit is op steun, begrip, validering of compassie, en in plaats daarvan op een gemeenplaats wordt onthaald.
• om mensen zich te laten schamen als ze het gevoel krijgen niet genoeg te doen, niet hard genoeg te werken, of dat hun lastige emoties niet te rechtvaardigen zijn.
• om ervoor te zorgen dat we ons schamen omdat we niet blij of positief genoeg zijn
• om onze werkelijkheid te ontkennen.
• om iemand met legitieme zorgen of vragen te gaslighten of tot zwijgen te brengen.
• om mensen te vertellen dat alles wat verkeerd gaat in hun leven hun eigen schuld is. (p20)
Gezonde positiviteit heeft ruimte voor de realiteit én voor hoop.
Giftige positiviteit ontkent een emotie en dwingt ons die te onderdrukken. De emotie is verkeerd, en als we ons best maar doen, zouden we hem helemaal kunnen uitschakelen.
Giftige positiviteit kapt het gesprek af en zegt in wezen: jouw gevoel klopt niet en hier heb je de reden waarom je wél gelukkig moet zijn. (p18)
De tegenwoordige mode om problemen 'uitdagingen' te noemen is er ook zoeentje.
Gedwongen, geforceerde dankbaarheid kan ook zo giftig zijn. Dat herinner ik me uit mijn jeugd. Klagen was verboden want ik had een leven als een luus op een zere kop, en vond ik het eten niet lekker? Denk eens aan het Jongetje uit het Boekje! Wij hadden vroeger helemaal niks! En je bent niet boos, je bent moe.
Goodman gaat er heel menslievend vanuit dat mensen die reageren met giftige positiviteit het goed bedoelen. Ik weet niet of dat waar is. Dat is immers ook zo makkelijk gezegd: ik wou alleen maar helpen! Maar degene die zich erdoor gekwetst voelt, bedoelt het nooit goed. Nee, die is zo slecht om aan de goede bedoelingen van de ander te twijfelen. Naar het waarom van de gekwetstheid wordt niet gevraagd, juist omdat de kwetser het zo goed bedoelde.
Als we niet weten wat iemand nodig heeft of niet eens de moeite nemen om daarnaar te vragen, helpen we vaak omdat het voor onszelf goed voelt, niet omdat we echt een probleem willen verhelpen. (p145)
Op Goodmans instagram staat deze quote:
When we get so caught up in trying to change how someone is feeling and give the "right" advice, we often forget to listen, we forget to show compassion, we forget to show empathy.
Het boek is zoveel meer dan een uitleg van giftige positiviteit, en een handleiding om je er niet schuldig aan te maken. Het vertelt bijvoorbeeld ook de geschiedenis van de beweging van positief denken zoals die in Amerika tot stand kwam. (Wie had vroeger niet De Kracht van Positief Denken in de kast staan? Bij de biep was het ook altijd uitgeleend. Oh, en google de titel voor de aardigheid eens. De giftig-positieve websites vliegen je om de oren.)
Ik kreeg echt koude rillingen van de volgende passage over eugenetica, vooral in het licht van de huidige pandemie, waarin meer en meer het recht van de gezondste telt, en levens van gehandicapten en chronisch zieken gewoon niet meer meegenomen worden bij overheidsbeleid en maatregelen. Validisme (ableism in het Engels) viert hoogtij, alles vanuit de "positieve" illusie dat gezondheid maakbaar is, of nog erger: een keuze.
Eugenic researchers promised individual and collective happiness through their methods and believed that emotional states other than positivity were bad for evolution. They ignored the current social, political, and economic challenges in favor of a simplistic view of illness and happiness. If you didn’t agree with the philosophy or methods, you were deemed "unscientific" and ultimately ignored or cast aside. The eugenics movement appeared in the United States in the early 1900s, and it was an extremely dark time for people with physical and mental illness or disabilities, who were ultimately blamed for the unhappiness of the entire society.
[…]
Some psychologists at the time believed that the elimination of "feeble-mindedness" would result in an enormous improvement in happiness and achievement in every community. Feeble-mindedness was just another name for anyone mentally or physically ill who couldn’t become the current definition of a contributing, productive, happy member of the current society. This meant locking away, sterilizing, or killing anyone who threatened the happiness of the larger society. The mentally and physically ill were seen as one of the largest threats to happiness during this period, and many believed something had to be done. (p164)
Wie ziek is, heeft dat aan zichzelf te wijten. Gezondheid is iets dat je kunt verdienen door er hard aan te werken. Dit is victim blaming van de bovenste plank. Gezonde mensen zijn gek op gehandicapten die een bijzondere prestatie leveren (inspiration porn) en op kankerpatiënten die hun ziekte 'verslaan.' Alles om de maakbaarheidsillusie in stand te houden.
Ook met betrekking tot politiek neemt Goodman geen blad voor de mond.
We can achieve well-being when certain conditions are met and people are given the space and resources to find meaning in their life, meet their needs, and cope with their environment. Good living conditions, housing, and employment are fundamental to well-being. Instead of focusing on positive thinking as a cure for illness, we would benefit from providing access to a livable wage, housing, safe communities, meaningful relationships, food security, and healthcare. Then, we can focus on improving our thinking. Health doesn’t begin and end in the mind. It exists within our communities and truly flourishes when people feel empowered and equipped to achieve their unique version of health. (p55)
Getting angry and expressing dissatisfaction is often one of the most effective ways to create change within a society. Positive platitudes and the pursuit of happiness are ultimately being used as tools to keep people submissive and quiet. (p170)
Tot slot deze, voor iedereen die zich weleens schuldig maakt aan giftige positiviteit:
Yes, people want to know that things will get better.
And they really want to know that you'll still be there even if they don't.
(De mensen die afhaken zijn inmiddels niet meer op twee handen te tellen.)
February 23, 2022
It’s rare indeed to come across a book and a message that that’s simultaneously desperately needed and on point- at the time it’s needed the most. This is one of those instances. If I could buy a copy for everyone I know, I absolutely would. This is a great summary for people who are either new to the idea of toxic positivity or have been annoyed by it and researching it a while, which is a feat in and of itself.
Toxic positivity is not positivity. It is denial, invalidation, and sometimes malice, dressed up with a happy mask.
The origins of toxic positivity are rooted in straight-up magical thinking and oppression. It’s underlying assertions are aligned with the values of all the isms- particularly racism, misogyny, ableism, and classism. In its most sordid form it has been used to justify atrocities. It’s also used to back-handedly blame people who experience physical and mental health conditions, abuse and violence, and systemic oppression and marginalization as the creators of their own suffering. It redirects blame on those who are in fact victims or lack control over their health status, to further harm people already struggling and suffering. It’s infiltrated our lives by influencing legislative policy, it’s commodification through the international wellness complex valued at trillions of dollars, our spirituality and religious practices, healthcare- yes, the mental health professions too, and causes disconnection in our relationships with ourselves and others.
Want to learn how to start deprogramming yourself and live a real and meaningful life? Are you tired of chasing your tail trying to constantly grind and improve yourself, but can’t stop striving and blaming yourself because nothing seems to actually make you happy or “successful?” Curious as to how you can start really be kind to yourself and meaningfully support those around you? This is a fantastic resource for that and more.
Something this book validated for me is the guilt I carry from the first couple of years as a therapist & how reflecting back I really wish I could apologize to the clients I may have harmed, even if I was sincere in my efforts to help in the best ways I knew how. Ableism and toxic positivity are especially harmful coming from someone who should be a safe place where you get legit help and affirmation. My work in continuing education for therapists is fueled in part by that sense of needing to make amends somehow, and hoping I can help others avoid some of my own mistakes.
Toxic positivity is not positivity. It is denial, invalidation, and sometimes malice, dressed up with a happy mask.
The origins of toxic positivity are rooted in straight-up magical thinking and oppression. It’s underlying assertions are aligned with the values of all the isms- particularly racism, misogyny, ableism, and classism. In its most sordid form it has been used to justify atrocities. It’s also used to back-handedly blame people who experience physical and mental health conditions, abuse and violence, and systemic oppression and marginalization as the creators of their own suffering. It redirects blame on those who are in fact victims or lack control over their health status, to further harm people already struggling and suffering. It’s infiltrated our lives by influencing legislative policy, it’s commodification through the international wellness complex valued at trillions of dollars, our spirituality and religious practices, healthcare- yes, the mental health professions too, and causes disconnection in our relationships with ourselves and others.
Want to learn how to start deprogramming yourself and live a real and meaningful life? Are you tired of chasing your tail trying to constantly grind and improve yourself, but can’t stop striving and blaming yourself because nothing seems to actually make you happy or “successful?” Curious as to how you can start really be kind to yourself and meaningfully support those around you? This is a fantastic resource for that and more.
Something this book validated for me is the guilt I carry from the first couple of years as a therapist & how reflecting back I really wish I could apologize to the clients I may have harmed, even if I was sincere in my efforts to help in the best ways I knew how. Ableism and toxic positivity are especially harmful coming from someone who should be a safe place where you get legit help and affirmation. My work in continuing education for therapists is fueled in part by that sense of needing to make amends somehow, and hoping I can help others avoid some of my own mistakes.
August 11, 2022
The author has some good ideas, but the writing is repetitive, and the concepts aren't organized clearly. The main issue here is the logical fallacy of the premise of the book. Please allow me to explain.
Each issue related to "toxic positivity" raised by the author is problematic because they are toxic, not because of the positivity associated with the communications. "Positivity" is just a delivery median of the toxicity. In many examples, the author listed in the book, the phrases alone can be interpreted either way. The issue lies in the tone and delivery. "Everything will pass/get better," can be a genuinely supportive or completely dismissive. The sentence above only becomes toxic when someone's feelings aren't validated when needed.
The above complaint WAS addressed by the author repeatedly in the book. She continued to emphasize that "positivity" aren't all bad. However, the need to relate each toxic behavoir back to "positivity" is shifting readers' focus away from the root causes. It's like while discussing "poisonous apples," instead of focusing on the effect of different types of poison, the conversation stays on the surface of "This is an apple with lead. This is an apple with Mercury. Not all apples are bad tho..."
So instead of just focusing on how to identify and improve unhealthy behavior, why restrict the topic to positivity? My guess is that catchphrase sells. "Toxic Positivity" is just an easily hashtag-able phrase made for social media like "trauma dumping" and "tone policing." Ironically, it embodies the exact concept that the author condemns in the book - it's a label that you can simply slap onto any situation to stop deeper conversations. It's a word made for cancel culture.
I think the Gift of Imperfection by Brené Brown and I Hear You by Michael S. Sorensen are much better deep dives into the essential matters this book lightly touched upon.
Each issue related to "toxic positivity" raised by the author is problematic because they are toxic, not because of the positivity associated with the communications. "Positivity" is just a delivery median of the toxicity. In many examples, the author listed in the book, the phrases alone can be interpreted either way. The issue lies in the tone and delivery. "Everything will pass/get better," can be a genuinely supportive or completely dismissive. The sentence above only becomes toxic when someone's feelings aren't validated when needed.
The above complaint WAS addressed by the author repeatedly in the book. She continued to emphasize that "positivity" aren't all bad. However, the need to relate each toxic behavoir back to "positivity" is shifting readers' focus away from the root causes. It's like while discussing "poisonous apples," instead of focusing on the effect of different types of poison, the conversation stays on the surface of "This is an apple with lead. This is an apple with Mercury. Not all apples are bad tho..."
So instead of just focusing on how to identify and improve unhealthy behavior, why restrict the topic to positivity? My guess is that catchphrase sells. "Toxic Positivity" is just an easily hashtag-able phrase made for social media like "trauma dumping" and "tone policing." Ironically, it embodies the exact concept that the author condemns in the book - it's a label that you can simply slap onto any situation to stop deeper conversations. It's a word made for cancel culture.
I think the Gift of Imperfection by Brené Brown and I Hear You by Michael S. Sorensen are much better deep dives into the essential matters this book lightly touched upon.
September 21, 2022
Ik gun jou dit boek ❤️
Dit boek is een combinatie van persoonlijke en klinische ervaring, academische research en praktisch advies (ook in de vorm van zelfreflectie-vragen) die ervoor zorgen dat jij beter door die bubbel van giftige positiviteit (“Good vibes only” of “Wees gewoon positief”) heen kunt prikken. Want schat, je verdient écht meer dan “alleen maar positieve vibes.”
Mocht je nu denken: what the fuck is ‘toxic positivity’? Hier is de definitie: “Toxic positivity is the advice we might technically want to integrate but ar incapable of synthesizing at the moment. Insteps, it typically leaves us feeling silences, judged and misunderstand.” Giftige positiviteit zorgt ook voor een constante druk om alles een positieve spin te geven. Het is een vorm van gaslighting waarbij we tegen onszelf moeten zeggen dat we geen slachtoffers zijn maar cocreators.
Maar nu denk je misschien: positiviteit is toch niet altijd giftig? Nee natuurlijk niet. Het verschil is dit: ‘Gezonde positiviteit betekent ruimte nemen voor zowel de realiteit (de huidige soms shitty situatie waar je in zit) én hoop. Giftige positiviteit ontkent (negatieve) emoties en forceert je om ze te onderdrukken. Je zegt dus dat een bepaalde emotie niet bestaat, fout is en laten onszelf denken dat het wel weg zal gaan. Newsflash, dat gebeurt dus niet voor altijd.
Hier wat mooie inzichten die ik heb opgedaan:
* Fuck de self help mainstream wereld. Meiden, mij niet meer bellen met adviezen die gaan over alle negativiteit uit je leven weren. Als we dat zouden doen dan was er nooit een nieuwe iPhone update geweest. Als je een cultuur hanteert waar productieve onenigheid niet is toegestaan, kom je nooit met oplossingen. En nee, ik heb geen ‘bad attitude’ of ‘doe niet hard genoeg mijn best’ omdat ik niet meer opensta voor je ‘good vibes only’-mentaliteit. Hier een ❤️ als je dit toch te persoonlijk neemt.
* Oké, maar hoe kan ik iemand dan het beste helpen met positiviteit? Nou dat is afhankelijk van een paar factoren. 1. Timing. 2. Je publiek. 3. Het onderwerp dat je bespreekt. Is dit nog te vaag voor? Lees dan het boek.
* Manifesteren is bullshit. Misschien dat het voor sommige mensen op de korte termijn werkt, leuk voor je. Maar op de lange termijn niet. Sorry, maar kanker kan je niet weg manifesteren en van je break-up heenkomen ook niet. Weet je wat beter werkt? De WOOP-methode van Dr. Gabriele Oettingen. Begin met deze vragen: 1. What is your wish? 2. What is the ideal Outcome? 3. What Obstacles might you come across? 4. What is your Plan to achieve this.
* “Excessive vulnerability that leaves you feeling exposed and unsupported is not the antidote to toxic positivity. What’s important is that you share on your terms with the right people. If you’re supporting someone, it is also OK to say ‘I really want to support you, but I don’t feel able at this time.’ And also remember that the other person’s reaction doesn’t invalidate your emotional experience.
* Meiden (en mannen) ga lekker zeuren als je daar zin in hebt. Zeuren helpt ons om met situaties om te gaan, te zien of we bondgenoten hebben (je weet wel als je echt zo’n kutbaas hebt) en het helpt je met verwerken. MAAR soms komen we in een soort loop waar het een beetje irritant begint te worden (vooral voor anderen ;)). Probeer dan het grijze te vinden in een situatie. Als iemand zeurt, kan die persoon snel zwart-wit denken. Vaak worden woorden zoals ‘altijd’, ‘nooit’, ‘kan niet’ of ‘wil niet’ gebruikt. Probeer het woord ‘en’ te gebruiken. Bijvoorbeeld: Mijn moeder luistert nooit naar mij en mijn vrienden wel. Hierdoor voel je je vaak sterker. Ik in ieder geval. Ze geeft ook tips hoe je zo effectief mogelijk kunt zeuren op pagina 187.
* De auteur gelooft dat radical acceptance het tegengif is voor toxic positivity. “Radical acceptance acknowledges that pain is an unavoidable part of life and that fighting back against suffering typically leads to more suffering. When we practice this skill, we are not agreeing with, supporting, or saying er like the current reality. Instead, we are accepting that we cannot change the current facts or situation, even if we do not like or agree with it. Op pagina 185-186 legt ze uit hoe je radical acceptance kunt toepassen in je leven.
* Dit zijn de ingrediënten waardoor je iemand op de beste manier mogelijk kunt helpen (en die moet je in deze volgorde toevoegen): 1. Nieuwsgierig. 2. Begrip. 3. Validatie. 4. Empatie.
* “Negativity may show up as depression, a difficult life event like losing a parent, going through a transition, or struggling with a health issue. It’s not always toxic or abuse. It’s usually just life, and life gets hard sometimes.”
* “Some people won’t be able to support you when you need a listening ear. That doesn’t mean that you’re being too much or should stop sharing. Find your people.”
* Fuck the ‘happiness-driven life’ en kies voor een value-drive life. Hier zul je momenten van blijheid en worsteling voelen en dat is helemaal oké. “Your value will not be a specific goal. Instead, it is the way you would like to live your life.
* Pas validatie toe in je leven (met mate niet doorschieten). Zeg bijvoorbeeld: “Ik eer het feit dat ik een mens ben die altijd veel zal voelen.” Of: “Ik voel me nu ____, laat het voorbij gaan, en zal het of uitpluizen of gewoon verder gaan.”
* Lieve schatten, je bent echt je beste versie als je dingen verprutst, grenzen zet voor jezelf, aan anderen denkt, sorry zegt als dat nodig is, om hulp vraagt en je leven leeft gebaseerd op jouw termen. Het leven is gewoon een golf en er is geen eindbestemming. Al je gevoelens, ups en downs, veranderingen, en chaos maken je rit veel interessanter. Het leven gaat je uitdagen en belonen. En het universum gaat je misschien soms meer opleggen dan je op dat moment aankan, en dat is oké. Gelukkig zullen er mensen, plekken, dingen zijn die ervoor zorgen dat je het waardoor je het kan aankunt.✨
Dit boek is een combinatie van persoonlijke en klinische ervaring, academische research en praktisch advies (ook in de vorm van zelfreflectie-vragen) die ervoor zorgen dat jij beter door die bubbel van giftige positiviteit (“Good vibes only” of “Wees gewoon positief”) heen kunt prikken. Want schat, je verdient écht meer dan “alleen maar positieve vibes.”
Mocht je nu denken: what the fuck is ‘toxic positivity’? Hier is de definitie: “Toxic positivity is the advice we might technically want to integrate but ar incapable of synthesizing at the moment. Insteps, it typically leaves us feeling silences, judged and misunderstand.” Giftige positiviteit zorgt ook voor een constante druk om alles een positieve spin te geven. Het is een vorm van gaslighting waarbij we tegen onszelf moeten zeggen dat we geen slachtoffers zijn maar cocreators.
Maar nu denk je misschien: positiviteit is toch niet altijd giftig? Nee natuurlijk niet. Het verschil is dit: ‘Gezonde positiviteit betekent ruimte nemen voor zowel de realiteit (de huidige soms shitty situatie waar je in zit) én hoop. Giftige positiviteit ontkent (negatieve) emoties en forceert je om ze te onderdrukken. Je zegt dus dat een bepaalde emotie niet bestaat, fout is en laten onszelf denken dat het wel weg zal gaan. Newsflash, dat gebeurt dus niet voor altijd.
Hier wat mooie inzichten die ik heb opgedaan:
* Fuck de self help mainstream wereld. Meiden, mij niet meer bellen met adviezen die gaan over alle negativiteit uit je leven weren. Als we dat zouden doen dan was er nooit een nieuwe iPhone update geweest. Als je een cultuur hanteert waar productieve onenigheid niet is toegestaan, kom je nooit met oplossingen. En nee, ik heb geen ‘bad attitude’ of ‘doe niet hard genoeg mijn best’ omdat ik niet meer opensta voor je ‘good vibes only’-mentaliteit. Hier een ❤️ als je dit toch te persoonlijk neemt.
* Oké, maar hoe kan ik iemand dan het beste helpen met positiviteit? Nou dat is afhankelijk van een paar factoren. 1. Timing. 2. Je publiek. 3. Het onderwerp dat je bespreekt. Is dit nog te vaag voor? Lees dan het boek.
* Manifesteren is bullshit. Misschien dat het voor sommige mensen op de korte termijn werkt, leuk voor je. Maar op de lange termijn niet. Sorry, maar kanker kan je niet weg manifesteren en van je break-up heenkomen ook niet. Weet je wat beter werkt? De WOOP-methode van Dr. Gabriele Oettingen. Begin met deze vragen: 1. What is your wish? 2. What is the ideal Outcome? 3. What Obstacles might you come across? 4. What is your Plan to achieve this.
* “Excessive vulnerability that leaves you feeling exposed and unsupported is not the antidote to toxic positivity. What’s important is that you share on your terms with the right people. If you’re supporting someone, it is also OK to say ‘I really want to support you, but I don’t feel able at this time.’ And also remember that the other person’s reaction doesn’t invalidate your emotional experience.
* Meiden (en mannen) ga lekker zeuren als je daar zin in hebt. Zeuren helpt ons om met situaties om te gaan, te zien of we bondgenoten hebben (je weet wel als je echt zo’n kutbaas hebt) en het helpt je met verwerken. MAAR soms komen we in een soort loop waar het een beetje irritant begint te worden (vooral voor anderen ;)). Probeer dan het grijze te vinden in een situatie. Als iemand zeurt, kan die persoon snel zwart-wit denken. Vaak worden woorden zoals ‘altijd’, ‘nooit’, ‘kan niet’ of ‘wil niet’ gebruikt. Probeer het woord ‘en’ te gebruiken. Bijvoorbeeld: Mijn moeder luistert nooit naar mij en mijn vrienden wel. Hierdoor voel je je vaak sterker. Ik in ieder geval. Ze geeft ook tips hoe je zo effectief mogelijk kunt zeuren op pagina 187.
* De auteur gelooft dat radical acceptance het tegengif is voor toxic positivity. “Radical acceptance acknowledges that pain is an unavoidable part of life and that fighting back against suffering typically leads to more suffering. When we practice this skill, we are not agreeing with, supporting, or saying er like the current reality. Instead, we are accepting that we cannot change the current facts or situation, even if we do not like or agree with it. Op pagina 185-186 legt ze uit hoe je radical acceptance kunt toepassen in je leven.
* Dit zijn de ingrediënten waardoor je iemand op de beste manier mogelijk kunt helpen (en die moet je in deze volgorde toevoegen): 1. Nieuwsgierig. 2. Begrip. 3. Validatie. 4. Empatie.
* “Negativity may show up as depression, a difficult life event like losing a parent, going through a transition, or struggling with a health issue. It’s not always toxic or abuse. It’s usually just life, and life gets hard sometimes.”
* “Some people won’t be able to support you when you need a listening ear. That doesn’t mean that you’re being too much or should stop sharing. Find your people.”
* Fuck the ‘happiness-driven life’ en kies voor een value-drive life. Hier zul je momenten van blijheid en worsteling voelen en dat is helemaal oké. “Your value will not be a specific goal. Instead, it is the way you would like to live your life.
* Pas validatie toe in je leven (met mate niet doorschieten). Zeg bijvoorbeeld: “Ik eer het feit dat ik een mens ben die altijd veel zal voelen.” Of: “Ik voel me nu ____, laat het voorbij gaan, en zal het of uitpluizen of gewoon verder gaan.”
* Lieve schatten, je bent echt je beste versie als je dingen verprutst, grenzen zet voor jezelf, aan anderen denkt, sorry zegt als dat nodig is, om hulp vraagt en je leven leeft gebaseerd op jouw termen. Het leven is gewoon een golf en er is geen eindbestemming. Al je gevoelens, ups en downs, veranderingen, en chaos maken je rit veel interessanter. Het leven gaat je uitdagen en belonen. En het universum gaat je misschien soms meer opleggen dan je op dat moment aankan, en dat is oké. Gelukkig zullen er mensen, plekken, dingen zijn die ervoor zorgen dat je het waardoor je het kan aankunt.✨
May 23, 2022
I got this book at a dark time in my life due to a loss that, even almost 6 months later, I struggle with daily. Because of that, it took me a few months to read through this book. Either my emotions were too raw to read the words on the pages, or i wanted to really process what i was reading.
During and after my loss I was inundated with words of “wisdom” like:
- Everything happens for a reason
- God wouldn’t give you anything you couldn’t handle
- Stay positive
- There’s a lesson in this
- You have so much to be thankful for, focus on that
- Focus on the things you have going for you
While this all came from well-meaning individuals, they rubbed me the wrong way. Why do I need to be positive? This fucking sucks. Everything happens for a reason? WTF reason is that?! There’s a lesson in this. NO lesson is worth the loss I suffered. God wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle? I was raised catholic. I know God. But don’t even get me started on this complete and utter BS.
The best support I got was from people who acknowledged how much this sucked. Who validated my feelings. Who gave me space to vent, rant, and rave without judgement. Who didn’t try to “fix” things for me.
With all that said, this book was really fucking validating. I annotated the shit out of it.
Nicely laid out. Concepts explained clearly and concisely. Relatable examples. Reflection questions that reaaaally make you… reflect. Sample statements you can try using in your day to day.
Also, once the idea of toxic positivity is defined and examples given, you will see it EVERYWHERE.
Overall an encouraging read during what has been, and continues to be, the worst point of my life.
During and after my loss I was inundated with words of “wisdom” like:
- Everything happens for a reason
- God wouldn’t give you anything you couldn’t handle
- Stay positive
- There’s a lesson in this
- You have so much to be thankful for, focus on that
- Focus on the things you have going for you
While this all came from well-meaning individuals, they rubbed me the wrong way. Why do I need to be positive? This fucking sucks. Everything happens for a reason? WTF reason is that?! There’s a lesson in this. NO lesson is worth the loss I suffered. God wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle? I was raised catholic. I know God. But don’t even get me started on this complete and utter BS.
The best support I got was from people who acknowledged how much this sucked. Who validated my feelings. Who gave me space to vent, rant, and rave without judgement. Who didn’t try to “fix” things for me.
With all that said, this book was really fucking validating. I annotated the shit out of it.
Nicely laid out. Concepts explained clearly and concisely. Relatable examples. Reflection questions that reaaaally make you… reflect. Sample statements you can try using in your day to day.
Also, once the idea of toxic positivity is defined and examples given, you will see it EVERYWHERE.
Overall an encouraging read during what has been, and continues to be, the worst point of my life.
March 19, 2023
I thought this was an excellent book and used it along with the audio🎧. Opt out of always looking to be positive, surely this is not a good idea? Yet, it appears it may well be. When our focus becomes constantly trying to improve our “bad thinking” and see the “bright side of things” we our actually skipping the essential process of life’s inevitable range of good and bad moments. If we do this to ourselves or others, we are merely saying that the actual feelings are invalid and need to be suppressed.
There are times in life both big and small when we need to process upsetting emotions. It’s having the knowledge that you know this is difficult, but you will be able to get through it. It will take time and you may not be fully ok, depending on how severe the event was.
The author discusses things like losing a job and people say things like how wonderful it will be to have so much free time. That is inconsiderate and usually the person is not trying to be. There are on-line sites where people are using Positive Sayings, and how wonderful it is to be seeking a new job. Some of that may be true, but often there are many other feelings going on such as panic. The rent needs to be paid, the kid’s activities, what will you do now? These are all normal and acceptable feelings and one should not feel bad for having them. It does not mean that the person is giving up. Other even more serious examples were about grief. The hardest of all is when a child dies. Yet, people are told things like “God only Gives You What You Can Handle” or “You were fortunate to have had such a beautiful soul for as long as you did”. Does that really sound comforting? Last medical illness and disability were discussed. Positive thinking and managing your health is a good idea, yet it is one factor in disease. We can not control all illness purely through our thoughts. This kind of talking also discounts factors that are needed on a broad cultural basis such as having better access to health care, having medical insurance, having support systems to reduce stress in our lives, and being paid properly so we are better able to handle an illness if it arises.
The author suggests instead to look for a value driven life. This means, knowing the things, ideas, experiences, and people that we value in our life. Decide to choose relationships and goals based on the values you find important. Understand that you have a purpose and there will be times both easy and hard, happy and sad along this journey. There is not one right answer for everyone. It does not mean anything is wrong with you that you are not doing enough. You are leading your life and it doesn’t always need to be fixed. Instead Work toward what you think is important and be there for your friends, family, and community to listen and help if possible in a reasonable way.
The last trend mentioned is looking to always heal from trauma. This is becoming the main purpose of our lives as if it is not possible to continue if we aren’t always trying to understand what has happened to us and getting to a better place. Often you may know the answer already, but it’s becoming unacceptable to accept experiences you have had and still enjoy life now. In all these areas we do not always need to be improving ourselves and often look at who this thinking benefits. It is about buying books and products to help us just improve a little more and we will finally have that big moment when we “Achieve Happiness”. That is going to lead to feelings of failure and shame since it never existed in the first place.
So, living a life with purpose, passion, love and relationships is essential. It’s deciding to enjoy what we have and work on things we need to in a way that leaves room to feel ok about who we really are. It is a much deeper way to think. There is room for a range of emotions that change over time. There will be many difficult times that will prove to be worth the effort to get through, especially with those closest to us.
Really found this book helpful.
There are times in life both big and small when we need to process upsetting emotions. It’s having the knowledge that you know this is difficult, but you will be able to get through it. It will take time and you may not be fully ok, depending on how severe the event was.
The author discusses things like losing a job and people say things like how wonderful it will be to have so much free time. That is inconsiderate and usually the person is not trying to be. There are on-line sites where people are using Positive Sayings, and how wonderful it is to be seeking a new job. Some of that may be true, but often there are many other feelings going on such as panic. The rent needs to be paid, the kid’s activities, what will you do now? These are all normal and acceptable feelings and one should not feel bad for having them. It does not mean that the person is giving up. Other even more serious examples were about grief. The hardest of all is when a child dies. Yet, people are told things like “God only Gives You What You Can Handle” or “You were fortunate to have had such a beautiful soul for as long as you did”. Does that really sound comforting? Last medical illness and disability were discussed. Positive thinking and managing your health is a good idea, yet it is one factor in disease. We can not control all illness purely through our thoughts. This kind of talking also discounts factors that are needed on a broad cultural basis such as having better access to health care, having medical insurance, having support systems to reduce stress in our lives, and being paid properly so we are better able to handle an illness if it arises.
The author suggests instead to look for a value driven life. This means, knowing the things, ideas, experiences, and people that we value in our life. Decide to choose relationships and goals based on the values you find important. Understand that you have a purpose and there will be times both easy and hard, happy and sad along this journey. There is not one right answer for everyone. It does not mean anything is wrong with you that you are not doing enough. You are leading your life and it doesn’t always need to be fixed. Instead Work toward what you think is important and be there for your friends, family, and community to listen and help if possible in a reasonable way.
The last trend mentioned is looking to always heal from trauma. This is becoming the main purpose of our lives as if it is not possible to continue if we aren’t always trying to understand what has happened to us and getting to a better place. Often you may know the answer already, but it’s becoming unacceptable to accept experiences you have had and still enjoy life now. In all these areas we do not always need to be improving ourselves and often look at who this thinking benefits. It is about buying books and products to help us just improve a little more and we will finally have that big moment when we “Achieve Happiness”. That is going to lead to feelings of failure and shame since it never existed in the first place.
So, living a life with purpose, passion, love and relationships is essential. It’s deciding to enjoy what we have and work on things we need to in a way that leaves room to feel ok about who we really are. It is a much deeper way to think. There is room for a range of emotions that change over time. There will be many difficult times that will prove to be worth the effort to get through, especially with those closest to us.
Really found this book helpful.
January 19, 2024
Σας εκνευρίζουν και εσάς κάτι ατσαλάκωτοι τύποι στο ίνσταγκραμ που ποζάρουν τρισευτυχισμένοι μπροστά στο vegan smoothie (τι σκατά, εμείς μοσχαρίσιο πίνουμε τόσα χρόνια τώρα; - κλεμμένη ατάκα), το γυάλινο καλαμάκι τους και τις ασκήσεις ευεξίας τους, γεμάτοι #feelgoodvibes ή μήπως είστε τίποτα αισιόδοξοι;
Γιατί στην πρώτη περίπτωση, το βιβλίο αυτό είναι φτιαγμένο για σας. Πάμπολλα παραδείγματα καθημερινής τοξικής θετικότητας μαζί με τους κινδύνους που ελλοχεύουν από την σχεδόν επιβεβλημένη ανάγκη να βλέπουμε το ποτήρι μισογεμάτο. Αυτός του νόμου της έλξης φταίει πάντως, το είπα και το έβγαλα από πάνω μου. 😡🤬
Εγχείρημα γεμάτο σοβαρότητα από την πολυετή εμπειρία της Whitney Goodman ως θεραπεύτριας, με αρκετές αφορμές για σκέψη, ίσως και κάποια αυτοκριτική. Διότι αξίζουμε κάτι παραπάνω από τη φράση Όλα θα πάνε καλά. Και γιατί, όχι, όλα δεν γίνονται για κάποιο λόγο.
Γιατί στην πρώτη περίπτωση, το βιβλίο αυτό είναι φτιαγμένο για σας. Πάμπολλα παραδείγματα καθημερινής τοξικής θετικότητας μαζί με τους κινδύνους που ελλοχεύουν από την σχεδόν επιβεβλημένη ανάγκη να βλέπουμε το ποτήρι μισογεμάτο. Αυτός του νόμου της έλξης φταίει πάντως, το είπα και το έβγαλα από πάνω μου. 😡🤬
Εγχείρημα γεμάτο σοβαρότητα από την πολυετή εμπειρία της Whitney Goodman ως θεραπεύτριας, με αρκετές αφορμές για σκέψη, ίσως και κάποια αυτοκριτική. Διότι αξίζουμε κάτι παραπάνω από τη φράση Όλα θα πάνε καλά. Και γιατί, όχι, όλα δεν γίνονται για κάποιο λόγο.
June 20, 2022
Another book that feels like it suffers from “could have been a magazine article if we still subscribed to magazines”
I’m definitely biased though because very little of the material in here was new for me- the mental health/scapegoating section was interesting but lots of the rest seemed similarly covered and in more depth by Brene Brown books or, specifically to speak of prosperity gospel thinking, Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens.
This is probably actually a 3-4 star book but if you are looking for a general overview in the topic, but it just seems so meh next to the way those other books shine
I’m definitely biased though because very little of the material in here was new for me- the mental health/scapegoating section was interesting but lots of the rest seemed similarly covered and in more depth by Brene Brown books or, specifically to speak of prosperity gospel thinking, Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens.
This is probably actually a 3-4 star book but if you are looking for a general overview in the topic, but it just seems so meh next to the way those other books shine
May 15, 2022
This was very informative and thought-provoking.
I must admit it confirmed my aversion to the trend of positive thinking and ignoring "negative talk".
I enjoyed the way different trends or topics were explored by introduction, critique and how to deal with it or change reactions to it.
I liked that there were suggestions of what to say instead of the socially conditioned comment.
I can highly recommend to anyone who hates being hit with positivity slogans when you just want to vent and work through some thiguhts.
I must admit it confirmed my aversion to the trend of positive thinking and ignoring "negative talk".
I enjoyed the way different trends or topics were explored by introduction, critique and how to deal with it or change reactions to it.
I liked that there were suggestions of what to say instead of the socially conditioned comment.
I can highly recommend to anyone who hates being hit with positivity slogans when you just want to vent and work through some thiguhts.
June 29, 2023
كتاب رهيب
الآن نحصل على فهم أفضل لما تعنيه الإيجابية السامة، وكيفية تجنبها. لكن من أين اتت؟ لماذا نقول لبعضنا البعض غريزيا - وأنفسنا - أن "نفكر بإيجابية؟"
في الولايات المتحدة، يبدو أن تكون مؤيدا للإيجابية أمرا طبيعيا لأنه جزء لا يتجزأ من الثقافة. يجب على الناس أن يحبوا وظائفهم، وأن يحبوا حياتهم، وأن يكونوا ممتنين لكل شيء. تحتفل وسائل الإعلام بالأشخاص الذين حققوا أفضل ما في الموقف الصعب، مثل الرجل الذي يستمر في الابتسام على الرغم من مرضه أو إعاقته. النضالات هي "فرص"، أليس كذلك؟
من الصعب التفكير بخلاف ذلك لأن الناس يتعلمون التفكير بهذه الطريقة منذ سن مبكرة.
لذلك منذ البداية، الضغط لتكون إيجابيا لا هوادة فيه. يطلب من الأطفال عدم الشكوى، أو عدم أن يكونوا "سلبيًا ". المدرسة "ممتعة"، مكان يجب أن يكون فيه الجميع "سعيدين".
ينشأ الناس على هذا النحو، ويتعلمون أنه يجب تجنب السلبية أو قمعها. الإيجابية هي الخيار الوحيد - مفتاح ��لسعادة. إذا كان هناك أي شيء، فهو العكس. البشر سلبيون جدا بشكل طبيعي. إنه نتاج التطور - آلية البقاء على قيد الحياة. أدمغتنا مبرمجة للبحث باستمرار عن التهديدات. السلبية تبقينا على قيد الحياة حرفيا!
لذلك، إذا لم يكن التفكير الإيجابي طبيعيا، فيجب أن يكون ثقافيا. من أين بدأ كل شيء؟
، بدأ الموضوع برجل يدعى فينس كيمبي. إنه صانع ساعات مهتم بالتنويم المغناطيسي. إنه أيضا عقلي وفترس - ليس بالضبط ما تسميه شخصا ذا تفكير علمي. وفقا له، يبدأ المرض الجسدي في العقل وينجم عن معتقدات خاطئة. لعلاج مرضك، ما عليك سوى تغيير أفكارك. فكر بإيجابية!
حتى أصبح القرن الحادي والعشرين، أصبح التفكير الإيجابي صناعة بمليارات الدولارات - وجزءا أساسيا من الثقافة الغربية
العيش في مجتمع ذي إيجابية سامة أمر مرهق للغاية أيضا. في مواجهة المشاعر السلبية والمواقف الصعبة التي تعد جزءا طبيعيا من الحياة، من الصعب جدا البقاء إيجابيا طوال الوقت. غالبا ما يرى غودمان عملاء يكافحون من أجل فهم هذا الصراع.
عندما يتم فرض الإيجابية على الناس، فإنهم غالبا ما يعلقون في ما يسميه غودمان "دوامة الخجل". إنه غير سار كما يبدو. في الأساس، تشعر بالحزن ويطلب منك "النظر إلى الجانب المشرق"، أو شيء من هذا القبيل. أو ربما تخبر نفسك أن تكون أكثر إيجابية. في كلتا الحالتين، النتيجة هي أنك تشعر بالذنب لأنك تشعر بالحزن
بدلا من أن نعيش حياة مدفوعة بالسعادة، يقترح غودمان أنه يجب علينا أن نهدف إلى عيش حياة مدفوعة بالقيمة. قرر ما هو مهم بالنسبة لك، وعش وفقا لقيمك الشخصية - مهما كانت. يمكن للأشخاص الذين لديهم قيم قوية الحكم على الموقف وفقا لمعاييرهم. ليس عليهم الاعتماد على تفاؤل واحد يناسب الجميع وسيعيشون في نهاية المطاف حياة أكثر إشباعا.
تسكت الإيجابية السامة الأشخاص الضعفاء والمهمشين مع الحفاظ على الهياكل القمعية في مكانها. لذلك بدلا من إخبار الناس بأن يحبوا أنفسهم، وأن يكونوا ممتنين وسعداء، نحتاج إلى البدء في الاستماع إليهم. بعد ذلك، وعندها فقط، يمكننا إحداث تغيير حقيقي.
الآن نحصل على فهم أفضل لما تعنيه الإيجابية السامة، وكيفية تجنبها. لكن من أين اتت؟ لماذا نقول لبعضنا البعض غريزيا - وأنفسنا - أن "نفكر بإيجابية؟"
في الولايات المتحدة، يبدو أن تكون مؤيدا للإيجابية أمرا طبيعيا لأنه جزء لا يتجزأ من الثقافة. يجب على الناس أن يحبوا وظائفهم، وأن يحبوا حياتهم، وأن يكونوا ممتنين لكل شيء. تحتفل وسائل الإعلام بالأشخاص الذين حققوا أفضل ما في الموقف الصعب، مثل الرجل الذي يستمر في الابتسام على الرغم من مرضه أو إعاقته. النضالات هي "فرص"، أليس كذلك؟
من الصعب التفكير بخلاف ذلك لأن الناس يتعلمون التفكير بهذه الطريقة منذ سن مبكرة.
لذلك منذ البداية، الضغط لتكون إيجابيا لا هوادة فيه. يطلب من الأطفال عدم الشكوى، أو عدم أن يكونوا "سلبيًا ". المدرسة "ممتعة"، مكان يجب أن يكون فيه الجميع "سعيدين".
ينشأ الناس على هذا النحو، ويتعلمون أنه يجب تجنب السلبية أو قمعها. الإيجابية هي الخيار الوحيد - مفتاح ��لسعادة. إذا كان هناك أي شيء، فهو العكس. البشر سلبيون جدا بشكل طبيعي. إنه نتاج التطور - آلية البقاء على قيد الحياة. أدمغتنا مبرمجة للبحث باستمرار عن التهديدات. السلبية تبقينا على قيد الحياة حرفيا!
لذلك، إذا لم يكن التفكير الإيجابي طبيعيا، فيجب أن يكون ثقافيا. من أين بدأ كل شيء؟
، بدأ الموضوع برجل يدعى فينس كيمبي. إنه صانع ساعات مهتم بالتنويم المغناطيسي. إنه أيضا عقلي وفترس - ليس بالضبط ما تسميه شخصا ذا تفكير علمي. وفقا له، يبدأ المرض الجسدي في العقل وينجم عن معتقدات خاطئة. لعلاج مرضك، ما عليك سوى تغيير أفكارك. فكر بإيجابية!
حتى أصبح القرن الحادي والعشرين، أصبح التفكير الإيجابي صناعة بمليارات الدولارات - وجزءا أساسيا من الثقافة الغربية
العيش في مجتمع ذي إيجابية سامة أمر مرهق للغاية أيضا. في مواجهة المشاعر السلبية والمواقف الصعبة التي تعد جزءا طبيعيا من الحياة، من الصعب جدا البقاء إيجابيا طوال الوقت. غالبا ما يرى غودمان عملاء يكافحون من أجل فهم هذا الصراع.
عندما يتم فرض الإيجابية على الناس، فإنهم غالبا ما يعلقون في ما يسميه غودمان "دوامة الخجل". إنه غير سار كما يبدو. في الأساس، تشعر بالحزن ويطلب منك "النظر إلى الجانب المشرق"، أو شيء من هذا القبيل. أو ربما تخبر نفسك أن تكون أكثر إيجابية. في كلتا الحالتين، النتيجة هي أنك تشعر بالذنب لأنك تشعر بالحزن
بدلا من أن نعيش حياة مدفوعة بالسعادة، يقترح غودمان أنه يجب علينا أن نهدف إلى عيش حياة مدفوعة بالقيمة. قرر ما هو مهم بالنسبة لك، وعش وفقا لقيمك الشخصية - مهما كانت. يمكن للأشخاص الذين لديهم قيم قوية الحكم على الموقف وفقا لمعاييرهم. ليس عليهم الاعتماد على تفاؤل واحد يناسب الجميع وسيعيشون في نهاية المطاف حياة أكثر إشباعا.
تسكت الإيجابية السامة الأشخاص الضعفاء والمهمشين مع الحفاظ على الهياكل القمعية في مكانها. لذلك بدلا من إخبار الناس بأن يحبوا أنفسهم، وأن يكونوا ممتنين وسعداء، نحتاج إلى البدء في الاستماع إليهم. بعد ذلك، وعندها فقط، يمكننا إحداث تغيير حقيقي.
February 4, 2022
Thank you to Penguin Random House for my ALC of this book. I am so happy I listened to it, because it was easy to get through and kept my attention! This book was a book club choice and I was very excited because it is a topic I've been interested in. It’s about the everyday pressure to be positive in every situation. If you aren’t positive, we are told you won’t be happy and aren’t “doing your part”. Even when we face tough challenges such as illness and loss, there isn’t space for us to be honest, and we are told to put on a positive face. This book is written by a therapist and shares better ways to deal with difficult emotions and situations.
Thoughts: I love the idea of this book. I think it’s so important to realize that positivity can be toxic and contribute to depression and anxiety. Telling someone to just be positive is not helpful and can actually be very harmful. I got my MA in Counseling, and this information is super important in both counseling and life. I did feel that it was a bit repetitive, and once the author finished a concept she kept talking about it a bit too much.
I think this is an important book for everyone to read. This is something that can help everyone relate to other people and be helpful to others where they’re at. This idea is covered well here and the author did a great job of explaining the topic logically. While negativity isn’t good, sometimes neither is too much positivity. 4-stars.
Thoughts: I love the idea of this book. I think it’s so important to realize that positivity can be toxic and contribute to depression and anxiety. Telling someone to just be positive is not helpful and can actually be very harmful. I got my MA in Counseling, and this information is super important in both counseling and life. I did feel that it was a bit repetitive, and once the author finished a concept she kept talking about it a bit too much.
I think this is an important book for everyone to read. This is something that can help everyone relate to other people and be helpful to others where they’re at. This idea is covered well here and the author did a great job of explaining the topic logically. While negativity isn’t good, sometimes neither is too much positivity. 4-stars.
March 6, 2022
This book addresses important topics winsomely and well, pushing back against cultural dogma about positive thinking. At the beginning, the author explains why positivity can become toxic and briefly explains the history of ideas, showing how toxic positivity came to have such a stranglehold in Western culture. I particularly appreciate that she didn't shy away from mentioning the impact of Darwin and eugenics.
Throughout the rest of the book, she responds to different common platitudes, sharing narrative examples and researched perspectives to show how silver-lining perspectives are often inauthentic to reality, causing people to feel like failures for not being upbeat enough. She also addresses ideologies such as the prosperity gospel and Laws of Attraction, which blame people for their life problems and the tragedies that befall them.
Overall, this book is very good. The author communicates in a clear and persuasive way, and she also avoids using foul language for effect or as a linguistic crutch. I really appreciated that, since I went into this book with the expectation that there would be f-bombs everywhere, like in most modern self-help books. However, this book becomes repetitive fairly quickly, and I ended up skimming through parts of it. If I hadn't been decrying toxic positivity since age eight and had needed all of her careful, in-depth explanations, I could have had a different experience, but I think that some of the content was too lengthy and redundant regardless.
For example, in every chapter of the book, the author shares lists of common toxic positivity statements related to the theme and breaks down why they are misguided. She also provides lists to help readers assess their emotions and re-frame their perspectives. These are very similar all throughout the book, so once you've read it in one chapter, it often doesn't seem worthwhile to read it all again multiple times. This is the one reason why I am only giving the book three stars.
I would recommend this book to anyone who finds the topic interesting, regardless whether the title makes them feel seen or makes them feel defensive. The author does a wonderful job of reaching out to people who disagree with her without being snarky or alienating, and the book is genuinely persuasive and invitational. It is also appropriate for both teens and adults, in terms of the content and the reading level.
Throughout the rest of the book, she responds to different common platitudes, sharing narrative examples and researched perspectives to show how silver-lining perspectives are often inauthentic to reality, causing people to feel like failures for not being upbeat enough. She also addresses ideologies such as the prosperity gospel and Laws of Attraction, which blame people for their life problems and the tragedies that befall them.
Overall, this book is very good. The author communicates in a clear and persuasive way, and she also avoids using foul language for effect or as a linguistic crutch. I really appreciated that, since I went into this book with the expectation that there would be f-bombs everywhere, like in most modern self-help books. However, this book becomes repetitive fairly quickly, and I ended up skimming through parts of it. If I hadn't been decrying toxic positivity since age eight and had needed all of her careful, in-depth explanations, I could have had a different experience, but I think that some of the content was too lengthy and redundant regardless.
For example, in every chapter of the book, the author shares lists of common toxic positivity statements related to the theme and breaks down why they are misguided. She also provides lists to help readers assess their emotions and re-frame their perspectives. These are very similar all throughout the book, so once you've read it in one chapter, it often doesn't seem worthwhile to read it all again multiple times. This is the one reason why I am only giving the book three stars.
I would recommend this book to anyone who finds the topic interesting, regardless whether the title makes them feel seen or makes them feel defensive. The author does a wonderful job of reaching out to people who disagree with her without being snarky or alienating, and the book is genuinely persuasive and invitational. It is also appropriate for both teens and adults, in terms of the content and the reading level.
April 2, 2023
I appreciate the author for speaking up for the minority of people who don't like being positive. However, I personally did not enjoy this book.
The book begins by criticizing the notion of positivity and continues in this vein for a quarter of the book. Very negative approach. I feel like listening to someone speaking iII of others and nothing practical. The author suggests that people might feel inferior when others are positive and they are not, leading them to fake happiness and potentially develop psychological issues. While it's true that some people may feel this way, I don't think it's fair to blame positive people for causing these feelings. Ultimately, how we process positivity is up to us as individuals, and the book even provides a list of "do's and don'ts" for how to express positivity.
The book provides several examples of her clients facing various difficulties such as health, family, work, and psychological issues. The author seems to blame positivity for the negative reactions these people receive from their surroundings, suggesting that people are offering unhelpful and empty platitudes rather than truly listening to the person's needs. However, I don't think positivity is the root cause of these issues. Life is inherently difficult, and everyone faces their own problems. We can't control what others say, but we can adjust our own mindset towards their words, which is what positivity is all about.
The book begins by criticizing the notion of positivity and continues in this vein for a quarter of the book. Very negative approach. I feel like listening to someone speaking iII of others and nothing practical. The author suggests that people might feel inferior when others are positive and they are not, leading them to fake happiness and potentially develop psychological issues. While it's true that some people may feel this way, I don't think it's fair to blame positive people for causing these feelings. Ultimately, how we process positivity is up to us as individuals, and the book even provides a list of "do's and don'ts" for how to express positivity.
The book provides several examples of her clients facing various difficulties such as health, family, work, and psychological issues. The author seems to blame positivity for the negative reactions these people receive from their surroundings, suggesting that people are offering unhelpful and empty platitudes rather than truly listening to the person's needs. However, I don't think positivity is the root cause of these issues. Life is inherently difficult, and everyone faces their own problems. We can't control what others say, but we can adjust our own mindset towards their words, which is what positivity is all about.
May 19, 2022
At least the title is interesting🥰 (this is a form of toxic positivity)
April 11, 2025
3.5
Nothing very new but validating to read!
Nothing very new but validating to read!
January 29, 2023
Very interesting and informative read with a lot of useful tips. My only complaint is that it felt repetitive at times, especially in the beginning but I really liked the overall message and I will try to implement some of the advice in my everyday life.
May 6, 2022
Not a bad book [audiobook], there are many people I would recommend this to.
Whitney's vocabulary is a bit limited and some sentences become repetitive. The use of "Toxic Positivity" began to become toxic in my head.
Other than slightly annoying writing, there's lots useful of 101 reminders on: compassion/empathy, boundary making, listening skills, and more importantly, not disregarding people's feelings and emotions with "just get over it" and "it could be worse" platitudes.
Whitney's vocabulary is a bit limited and some sentences become repetitive. The use of "Toxic Positivity" began to become toxic in my head.
Other than slightly annoying writing, there's lots useful of 101 reminders on: compassion/empathy, boundary making, listening skills, and more importantly, not disregarding people's feelings and emotions with "just get over it" and "it could be worse" platitudes.
October 12, 2022
Wow I didn’t realize how much I would love this book! Goodman breaks down toxic positivity in such a clear and affirming way.
Toxic positivity is
- gaslighting that your feelings are invalid because others have it worse
- a way to maintain systemic bigotry by making the “negative” people the problem aka “why can’t we all just get along” or “if it works for me then it’s not working for you because of your mindset.”
- a tool to keep you stuck in places that don’t value you
- frequently associated with religious movements that ask you to have undoubting faith that good people have good things happen to them
Goodman hit the social justice lens I look for in books like this, covered the history and also make the book a very accessible guide to help others eschew the use and prominence of toxic positivity in our lives.
4 stars and I’d buy this one!
Toxic positivity is
- gaslighting that your feelings are invalid because others have it worse
- a way to maintain systemic bigotry by making the “negative” people the problem aka “why can’t we all just get along” or “if it works for me then it’s not working for you because of your mindset.”
- a tool to keep you stuck in places that don’t value you
- frequently associated with religious movements that ask you to have undoubting faith that good people have good things happen to them
Goodman hit the social justice lens I look for in books like this, covered the history and also make the book a very accessible guide to help others eschew the use and prominence of toxic positivity in our lives.
4 stars and I’d buy this one!
October 8, 2023
Acknowledging and accepting all emotions, including those that are not necessarily positive, can bring about a transformative experience. It is imperative to recognize and validate others' emotions as well in order to foster understanding.
September 9, 2023
I enjoyed this self help book because it was unique and anti to what many say in our culture. What if the goal of life wasn’t happiness? Or being happy all the time. Sounds simple but I got a lot out of how to listen and be a better human because of this book.
February 15, 2023
Helpful:
- People need to be permitted to feel, identify and process a whole range of emotions.
- Various institutions, organizations, workplaces and social media users routinely shut down authenticity and healthy expression of difficult emotions.
- Trite cliches (religous or otherwise) in the face of suffering are hurtful, not helpful.
Not Helpful:
- An inaccurate summary of North American church history (all immigrants were Calvinists who later became adherents of prosperity theology when Calvinism became unpopular).
- Implying that there is no universal moral code (there's nothing wrong with you and nothing you need to change), thus obligating Christian clients to deconstruct their faith in order to 'keep' it. The view that clients have everything within that is needed for healing and that there is nothing they need to feel guilt about may work within a suburban practice, but this approach would not hold up if applied by therapists within other contexts (the correctional system, for instance.)
- The author's personal bias causes her to repeatedly critique Christians, Christian faith, Christian theology and Christian clergy with no recognition that within mainstream Christianity are books, authors, music, clergy, and adherents who practice a healthy, honest, reasoned embrace of all emotions (theirs and those of others) while remaining true to their faith.
- People need to be permitted to feel, identify and process a whole range of emotions.
- Various institutions, organizations, workplaces and social media users routinely shut down authenticity and healthy expression of difficult emotions.
- Trite cliches (religous or otherwise) in the face of suffering are hurtful, not helpful.
Not Helpful:
- An inaccurate summary of North American church history (all immigrants were Calvinists who later became adherents of prosperity theology when Calvinism became unpopular).
- Implying that there is no universal moral code (there's nothing wrong with you and nothing you need to change), thus obligating Christian clients to deconstruct their faith in order to 'keep' it. The view that clients have everything within that is needed for healing and that there is nothing they need to feel guilt about may work within a suburban practice, but this approach would not hold up if applied by therapists within other contexts (the correctional system, for instance.)
- The author's personal bias causes her to repeatedly critique Christians, Christian faith, Christian theology and Christian clergy with no recognition that within mainstream Christianity are books, authors, music, clergy, and adherents who practice a healthy, honest, reasoned embrace of all emotions (theirs and those of others) while remaining true to their faith.
March 11, 2022
I could write down a hundred sentences from this book that I’d like to keep to refer back to at different times. I’d also like to take twice that many and give them to other people!
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