One of the four faber plays I got in Oxford. Thought I hadn't read one in a minute and missed it - and dare I say I wasn't wrong. Reading a play might be one of my greatest pleasures, reading aloud even more so. There's such joy in reading in between the lines - what will come to be my life's work. It's nice to do it for leisure.
Skylight poked me out of nowhere when I was close to dismissing it, and was eerily close to home and a conversation I had in Sicily, with a random guy on a random night.
I really liked Kyra and Tom's relationship -layered with a rich history and opposing value systems. Kyra's explanation for leaving is interesting: "You have something worked out in your mind. Then something changes. The balance is gone. You no longer believe your own story. And that, I'm afraid, is the moment to leave". Their back and forth is excellent, with Kyra calling him out "I'm standing here, nodding, smiling, agreeing like some ape and thinking is this man lying to me deliberately? Or does he not even notice? Or is he so used to lying to himself?" which reminded me of how life-taking arguments are with the one you love. I remember fighting with Karina and it taking an entire day at times, so many complex feelings and situations at play - that I wondered how people go to work the next day, functioning well. Another facet of their relationship is how much guilt is the recurring sentiment attached to both, to a certain degree. Something I miss about being in a relationship so having someone to affront you, constantly, you can't escape yourself as much - but then on the other side, and what this guy was saying, was how you always have to explain yourself, to be understood. "Your whole fucking life is an act of denial! You're running so fast you don't even know you're in flight"... now that's something. Truly the best back and forth I've ever read in a play. "With energy comes restlessness and I can't live that way", imagine a relationship not working out because someone is always in a state of yearning, the other can't fathom or nurture or accept. That's quite specific.
Kyra's description of going to work, one hour away on a bus with a good book, put forth to mind the idea that perhaps being one hour away isn't so bad. And will help me keep up with reading which I know can easily take a cut once training starts. Her passion for listening is akin to that developed for an actor: "it's an addiction". I can feel my sight refining itself, a bit more than auditory but I want all of my senses to be purposefully and, one day, subconsciously used to their highest abilities. I really flagged in Sicily, when I could just feel so much joy from seeing one specific thing. Life as art.
Kyra's situation of "living in a dream" is akin to mine. And her calling out Tom for "losing all sense of reality" since "this is how everyone lives" is reminiscent of my dad's views. "It wasn't until I left that warm bubble of good taste and money in which you exist ... it was only then I remembered most people live in a way which is altogether different" - my living in a host family or moving to Hackney. Now this one from Tom hit me "you're the only person who has fought so hard to get into it, when everyone else is desperate to get out!" I do feel that when working at the bagel place. "You must punish yourself further by living in another dreadful place. And spend the whole day commuting between them" makes me wonder if I'm only making my life harder by staying in Hackney. "And what's more listening to the people on the journey, mopping up their every remark. As if they were Socrates, Einstein, just because they happen to travel by bus... Remember I come from bog-ordinary people, me. If you start out ordinary, I promise you, one thing you're spared, this sentimental illusion that ordinary people can teach you anything at all". I wonder if that's true, I don't think so but I very much am romantic about the working-middle class for some reason, perhaps because both my parents were. "I've not set off like some fucking missionary to conduct some experiment in finding out just how tough I can make my own way of life" - sometimes I wonder, although some things are out of my control, if being gay, a woman who's also a feminist, an actress, an artist is not just another way to make it harder. I'm looking back at those working days, doing dishes, serving coffee, cleaning tables, wrapping bagels is a sense of pride as putting myself in the literal dirt of oils and bacon. This reminded of my dad, and perhaps a good reminder of what he thinks: "I can't see anything more tragic, more stupid than you sitting here and throwing your talents away" and indeed I am using my talent, just in a way he doesn't approve. Also her take on businessman is good: "the whole society must get down on their knees, and thank them, because they do something they no longer call "making money".."we all have to say it's an intrinsically worthy activity". "People who often have nothing at all ... they have one great virtue: they have no illusions that they must once have done something right! Nor do they suffer from delicate feelings. They're getting on with the day-to-day struggle of trying to survive on the street". Tom reminds me of my dad "There's plenty of injustice. The question is why you've gone out to look for it".
It's crazy how this one guy told me that in a couple years, he'll give me a million euros and my cousins just to get me. Rightly so, although I took a polite loop to get there, I explained to him that I am not something you buy just as Tom's girls said "I'm not a thing, don't you see? You can't buy me. Whatever you give me, I can' ever be bought." Insane alignment in that Tom argued "I give for the pleasure of giving. Just for the pleasure itself" which was his argument too. Perhaps I'll send it to him - you just can't look at it in a vacuum. As my dad explained, power is one of the main ways to look at a relationship. "She always thought if I was giving, then somehow I must want something back". One leads to the other, it's just like that question give or take - how can you ever separate them. You give to take, you take to give or not - he wants to give with no take? Does a man ever do that?
A couple of phrases that stuck:
"Once they're dead, I find they keep changing. You think you've got hold of them... But they they change again in your memory. It drives you crazy."
"For everything you repress there's a price to be paid"
"If you want to be happy, keep your judgment professional"
"You're missing what's happening. You're missing reality (not reading newspaper0"
"I said, perhaps it's true, perhaps I'm not brilliantly contemplative, perhaps I do not stop like some Oxford smartase philosopher to ask myself the purpose of it all."
"People us it (spiritual) to prove they're sensitive. They want it to dignify quite ordinary things".
"That's how most people die. They die in that state. Not knowing. Half knowing, Surely that's what you'd expect"
"But even you must see the balance of sympathy in this case ... just maybe lies somewhere else"
"It's built on a negative. It's built on escape"
"I lived a long time next to cancer. Apart form anything, it fucks up your brain. You start thinking things are deliberate. That everything's some kind of judgement. And once you think that, you might as well die".
"There's only one thing that makes the whole thing make sense, and that is finding one really good pupil".