Complexo de Cinderela

by Colette Dowling

The Cinderella Complex offers women a real opportunity to achieve the emotional independence that means so much more than a new job or a new love. It can help you no matter what your age or your goals. You cannot read it without changing the way you think - and maybe the way you live.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Psychology, Self Help, Womens, Gender, Sociology

222 pages, Unknown Binding

First published January 1, 1981

About the author

An American psychotherapist and writer best known for her 1981 book The Cinderella Complex: Women's Hidden Fear of Independence, which was a New York Times best-seller.

Reviews

[Mallory · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought Dowling made some very great points and from my race and class position, I could definitely apply some of these principles to my life. However, the suggestion to middle class women that they should hire housekeepers in order that they would have more time to pursue their own dreams and goals was outright offensive to me. It created this hierarchy that positioned middle class women above poorer women (likely women of color) who would be those housekeepers. The message is that these middle class women should pursue their dreams, but the housekeepers should simply clean the house. Isn't that the very same thinking she attempts to deconstruct in her analysis of husband-wife relationships?

[Kate Hornstein · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lean in, Cinderella…

In 1981, Colette Dowling came to speak at our school. I was 16 at the time and her son went to school with me. She was a formidable figure, and her talk about her forthcoming book, “The Cinderella Complex” was delivered to us (I have a vague feeling it was just to the girls at our school) in what I remember as “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” style.

She stressed the importance of financial independence, achievement at work, and spoke about an inner self who, if we were not careful, would awaken and ruin our lives. Her point of view was that we, as women, have held ourselves back from achievement and that was what had led to women not being paid equally, or represented in a variety of careers. I raised my hand and asked, “what if you’re an artist? What if you were to rely on someone else to support you, or survive on very little yourself?” She shot me an icy stare and then said that that was a very, very bad idea.

So it was with horror that (thanks to the present age where everything is online) I recently read an article from 1998 where Dowling was interviewed in the New York Times and revealed that she was then 60 with no savings and no investments. Rather than leaning in, she had bought a house she could ill-afford, undertook a series of expensive renovations, and filled it with knick-knacks while puttering around not doing much of anything other than writing. She blamed it on that “inner Cinderella” that had prevented her from achieving or planning for the future. I felt compelled to go back and read her book!

Over the years, as a working woman and mom, I’ve put many of my artistic inclinations to the side, thinking of them in the light of Cinderella, who might waste her time sewing a dress that she never wears to the ball, but merely looks at in her tiny bedroom, sharing a piece of moldy bread with her bird and mice friends, while checking her dwindling checking account.

So this is an odd book. Dowling contradicts herself at nearly every turn. On the one hand, she complains that women don’t read; then she complains that all they do is read. She says they act tough and strong, but that this is just to cover up their phobias. She criticizes those who “paint” and “write” a bit but later sings the praises of an older divorcee who sheds her traditional career to become a novelist. She says it is inevitable that without awareness, our inner Cinderella most certainly will come out.

But nowhere does Dowling talk about what I feel is a bigger problem: that the continued sexism that exists in the workplace, and in daily life, is often hidden and rarely addressed. Somehow I can’t imagine that women are unable to reach the CEO level because of their desire to paint posies and bake bread but that’s what Dowling chalks it up to.

Anyway, on the one hand I want to say thanks to Colette Dowling for encouraging me to be independent at a young age. It’s made me feel that at least I’m making my own decisions in life, and doing my part for what I hope will be an easier time for my daughters. On the other hand, I think this is a book about Colette Dowling and not about everyone in the world--I think the world is an even harder place than she describes. As Peggy Olsen would say, “I don’t understand. I’m doing everything I’m supposed to do. And other people are doing horrible things and getting away with it.” And as Ms. Magazine used to say, “click!”

[Sheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book in my early 20s. I can say that it did change my life (or got me started down the right path since my life wasn't much of anything at the time apart from being a student). I was subconsciously waiting for a man "to save me" and probably making some choices that reflected that. Because of this booked I ended up changing my direction in college/university and became more career focused. As another reviewer has said, this is likely written from the perspective of the earlier wave of feminism. It meant a lot to me then, and if a bit dated now, it left a lasting impression.

[A. Raca · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Öğrendiğim bir şey varsa o da, özgürlüğün ve bağımsızlığın, başkalarından (genelde toplumdan, ya da erkeklerden) alınamayacağı, sadece, yoğun emekler sonucu içeriden geliştirilebileceğidir. Buna ulaşmak için, kendimizi emniyette hissetmek amacıyla kelepçe gibi kullandığımız her türlü bağımlılıktan vazgeçmek zorundayız."

[Aslı E. · Rating 4 out of 5]

okumaya epey geç kaldığım bu kitapta referanslar biraz eskimiş olsa da kadın özgürlük mücadelesi için bir klasik diyebiliriz. henüz ergenken kız çocukları okumalı, çünkü neden: "erken teşhis hayat kurtarır" :))
özgür olmak yetişkin işi ve ursula'nın dediği gibi "yetişkin biri ölü bir çocuk değil hayatta kalmayı başarmış bir çocuktur"

[Fatimah Alhamamah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Frankly, this book is a controversy to me; it's not a lousy book but it's not an excellent one either. I can't deny the fact that I enjoyed some of its chapters but there were so many things that I couldn't agree with because they just didn't make sense to me like the way Dowling built her arguments in favor of the idea that ALL women are afraid of independence. She uses double standards, overgeneralizes and she's biased against her own gender; she is a misogynist. In one chapter, she spoke of counter-phobic women and how they can't embrace their femininity like cooking, wearing dresses and falling in love, in another chapter she criticizes them for enjoying housework more than their jobs. Moreover, she considers what is naturally "feminine" such as wearing makeup and having a feminine voice and intonation as defects and weaknesses. It's like she wanted to create a species that is neither a man nor a woman. Another thing that she didn't consider was that fact that not all women want the same things; you can't force them to be violently ambitious or working mothers. And what about those women who are just happy being housewives?
As I was approaching the end of the book, I got the impression that maybe Dowling got most of her opinions and arguments from men or simply, as I mentioned earlier, she's biased.

[M&A Ed · Rating 5 out of 5]

کتاب خوبی بود؛ هرچند بعضی جاها خیلی فمینیستی نسبت به مسائل نگاه کرده! اما به نظرم خوندنش برای هر خانوم و دختری واجبه!

[ArwendeLuhtiene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pro: Feminist self-help book about harmful emotional dependence - still relevant today
This is a feminist self-help book which helps women become more conscious about the 'Cinderella Complex': The way societal constructs and patriarchal gender roles make women experiment both problematic emotional (and financial) dependence and a deep fear of independence. I think these issues are really important and not discussed often often enough, because emotional (and also financial) dependence still affect many women today. Some people have remarked that this book is somewhat 'obsolete' because it was written in the early 80s and refers to the 60s and 70s - But I think that it is unfortunately not 'obsolete' at all. Emotional dependence is a real problem that is still affecting many, many women today, and it's still very much alive and perpetuated 'thanks' to traditional (and very problematic) children's 'fairy tales' and the media in general (the glorification of emotional dependence in 'romantic' songs, books and movies, for example). I totally recommend that everyone read books such as this one, because it makes both women and men think about the harm that patriarchy and gender roles have done and still do to women.

Con: Non-intersectional
This book is mainly focused on white, American middle-class heteronormative women, though. The emotional dependence issue can still be very relevant to many women, I think, disregardless of other factors, but it's worth mentioning that it's not a very intersectional book in that respect, and that not all women would be able to get out of harmful relationships or get their 'freedom' (financial independence, jobs, education, etc) with the ease that the author sometimes describes. It's not just about becoming conscious of the way society has trained women to be afraid of independence - Privilege and position in society are as important when it comes to 'springing free'. It can already be quite hard for white, heteronormative middle-class women to get away from an abusive relationship, or to be able to become financially independent if they're trapped in a marriage where the husband holds all the financial power and likes to stay that way. It's way harder to do so if you add race, class or sexual orientation to the equation. Being conscious of the psychological problems which make women dependent is very important, but in many cases it's not enough to actually be able to 'spring free', unfortunately.
It's mostly a problem of omission, seeing as the author does focus on her experience and women with similar upbringings, but the book does have a cringeworthy anti-intersectional moment when the author states that getting household help would help (middle-class) women get more independence - while throwing other (lower-class and/or PoC) women under the bus :/. There's also another anti-sisterhood cringeworthy moment with the mention of two women who, apparently as a way to become 'less afraid of independence', decide to have affairs with married men. Which is never cool in my book and also a bit hypocritical, considering it throws other potentially dependent and miserable (house)wives under the bus as well :/

As a last remark, I'd also like to mention that, while I agree with the fact that, as a result of patriarchal upbringing, many women actually contribute to the loss of self-confidence and independence they experience, the author sometimes seems to paint husbands/partners in too good a light, being stifled by their wives/partners' emotional and financial dependence, and actually encouraging them to get jobs/activities and/or become less dependent in other ways. It's very true that women often bring the dependence to the equation because of their upbringing, and the author does also mention oppressive husbands and men who hold all the financial and executive power, but she never seems to focus on the fact that many men promote this system and seem to be pretty happy with the arrangement, never actually encouraging anyone to gain more independence whatsoever.
The book also seems to assume that women end up in relationships, be they emotionally dependent or independent, omitting the cases of women who actually prefer just casual encounters or who are just not interested in relationships. Once again, this is written from the author's experience and point of view, and so she does focus on the effects that relationships have on women. But sometimes one can get the impression that a relationship is still a given step in a woman's life, instead of just critisizing the fact that most women always feel they have to go for that because they've been taught to be dependent and to seek for someone to save them. It's true that a woman can be in a relationship while 'loving herself' and not loosing her independence, but choosing to stay without one in a 100% happy way is another possibility that, as I recall, is not mentioned.

These comments aside, I wholeheartedly recommend everyone reading this book, because emotional and financial dependence is a deeply problematic issue that, as a result of our upbringing, can become very subtle and hard to be concious of, and it severely affects women's happiness, freedom and wellbeing.

[Mahboub · Rating 5 out of 5]

کتاب خیلی عالی بود
در مورد تفکر زنان در استقلال خودشون بود
و اینکه در طی زندگی چطور فراموش میکنن که در جوانی چه رویاهایی داشتن
یه برنامه دورهمی داشت نشون میداد طرف به زنش گفته بود عزیزم.. ریحانه من:)))))))))))))))) تو بشین خونه نمیخواد بیرون خونه کارکنی..مگرررررررررررررررر اینکه جایی باشه که من هم اونجا باشم...
از اونجا کار کار انگلیسی ها است همیشه، منم داشتم این کتاب میخوندم و رسیدن به اون بخشی که وقتی زن ها یه جایی برسن که به خودشون بیان که دیگه استقلالی نداردن و به اصطلاح دستشون توی جیب خودوشن نیست... شروع میکنن به متنفر شدن از آدمای اطرافشون
دقیقا مدیری توی برنامه به این اشاره کرد که شاید الان خانومت به خاطر اینکه میخواد باهات زندگی کنه حاضر شده
کار نکنه ولی بعدا به خاطر همین انتخابی که کرده ازت متنفر خواهد شد
جا داره از انگلیس تشکر ویژه بکنم که همیشه روند داستان مطابق میل من پیش میبره:)))))))))))

[Lerié Yell · Rating 5 out of 5]

a must read for all women

[Giorgio Gabrieli · Rating 3 out of 5]

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our dark that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. Its not just in some of us; its in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsiously give other people to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. (Coach Carter, 2005)


TL;DR (Troppo lungo; dammi il riassunto) La tesi di partenza è un po' superficiale nella sua enunciazione per vendere, le testimonianze sono interessanti ma incredibilmente omogenee ed ignorano una considerevole parte statistica della popolazione. È un misto fra un self help, psicologia da social, inteso come alle volte accreditata correttamente a volte no, e indagine giornalistica. Alcune problematiche analizzate sono nettamente femminili; altre, mi viene da dire, meramente umane.


Questo libro è il frutto della sfida mentale che l'autrice si è imposta nel cercare di descrivere quella sensazione di vuoto e smarrimento che ha provato nel tornare casalinga dopo anni di indipendenza.
Per farla breve: il suo primo matrimonio è fallito.
Essa ha passato diversi anni ad allevare da sola i figli e lavorando. Ora che si è ritrovata in una nuova relazione stabile con un uomo non riesce a capire perché le si sia spenta la scintilla dell'ambizione e dell'intraprendenza. Si è ritrasformata in una casalinga devota, nonostante il patto di lavorare entrambi.
Pubblicherà questi suoi dubbi in un articolo su di un giornale, e scoprirà di non essere sola in questa condizione "autoinflitta": migliaia di lettere di diverse donne le porteranno avanti la loro testimonianza, da lì nascerà l'idea del libro.
Essa cerca di capire quale sia quel demone interiore che porta le donne a negarsi da sole il successo:

La tesi di questo libro è che il bisogno di dipendenza quale è vissuto a livello personale, psicologico - il desiderio profondo che altri si prendano cura di noi - è l'elemento che più di ogni altro oggi blocca le donne. L'ho definito «il complesso di Cenerentola»: un insieme di atteggiamenti e di paure, per lo più repressi, che mantiene le donne in una sorta di penombra e impedisce loro di usare fino in fondo mente e creatività. Come Cenerentola, le donne oggi sono ancora in attesa che qualcosa proveniente dall'esterno trasformi la loro esistenza

A mio parere è ad oggi, ma anche in quel 1981, un poco riduttiva come sentenza poiché non tiene davvero conto di molti fattori quali: la differenza di salario percepita, i mariti o padri prevaricanti che negano studi o carriere, il proprio background di partenza (nel testo vengono analizzate solamente casi di donne istruite-borghesi) o l'educazione da "signorina dabbene" ricevuta in gioventù dalle madri o la propria religione. Tutti questi fattori esterni sembrano essere in secondo piano e non paragonabili all'idea catch-all e riassuntiva, più facilmente commerciabile, de: Sono donna, mi piace essere schiava e servizievole per natura, e ciò mi impedisce di farmi una carriera. Sono Cenerentola, salvatemi.

Grazie al cielo l'intento dell'autrice è dimostrare che non serve il principe azzurro e che la liberazione deve venire da se stesse. Anche se appunto questa indipendenza e presa di potere angoscia.

I rapporti con il genere maschile nel libro faranno sempre più da corollario all'assioma per cui le donne hanno paura dell'indipendenza e del successo, piuttosto che presentare un caso a sé come trauma o problematica dell'individuo. Ragazza, loro sono idioti, ma sei te che ti devi dare una svegliata.
Il problema, come si suol dire, sembra essere alla radice secondo l'autrice: le donne sono predisposte a servire e nutrire fino al martirio, e gli uomini sono prevaricatori, egoisti e distruttivi.

Parlando di radici, le fonti sono forse la parte più intrigante del libro stesso. Letteratura (Plath, Simone de Beauvoir), lettere-testimonianza e studi universitari delle facoltà di economia e psicologia. (Anche se a volte non attestati e introdotti dalla odiosissima frase: "La PsIcoLoGia diCe").

Colette è bravissima a dare voce a diverse donne e in poche righe spiegarci chi sono, perché si sentono bloccate e perché sono fuggite dalla vita. Una sequela di voci che si alternano in un canto corale e tutto femminile, che cerca di raccontare perché, ste poverette, hanno abbandonato il lavoro per la famiglia. Quali sono i diversi motivi, le loro tare mentali e da dove nascano. Obiettivo del libro spiegarlo questo dove.

Quanto la psiche "femminile" dunque differisce ed ostacola la donna, rispetto alla società o al mercato del lavoro stesso? Ma cultura ed educazione sono quindi un fattore interno o esterno?

A mio parere la paura del successo è un dilemma umano, sindrome dell'impostore o hybris se vogliamo, non di genere. La stessa Dowling lo nota nelle statistiche riguardo la popolazione maschile afro-americana. (La quote a Carter è lì per un motivo, non per mettere testosterone alla recensione, la mia edizione usava la N-word btw).

Invece che le donne, non tutte - il numero statistico è viziato qui, alla prima opportunità scelgano sempre la vita "più facile" del matrimonio, dipendenza o servitù, piuttosto che la carriera è morbosamente affascinante. Esistono dipendenze e dipendenze e l'autrice, portando le testimonianze delle donne che le hanno scritto, di volta in volta mostra come siano sinuose e pericolose per la sicurezza, il futuro e l'identità della donna queste dipendenze.

Ci ritroveremo così testimonianze di donne all'apice della loro carriera, o che decollano verso essa, che l'abbandonano per motivi domestici e alle volte tirannici: decidono deliberatamente di avere un bambino nel momento più scomodo, restano a casa per far trovare tutto pronto e pulito al marito esigente o ubriacone, o rifiutano un avanzamento di carriera perché non possono trovare una babysitter e gli uomini sono incapaci di prendersi cura di loro stessi, figurati dei figli o della casa .

C'è una mortificazione continua del valore del lavoro domestico insopportabile in questo libro, motivo della depennazione delle stelle. Posso capire l'intento di risvegliare menti atrofizzate, ma sminuire il lavoro domestico, o poco pagato, è davvero classista. Si può essere lavoratrici, madri o entrambe le cose. Fine. Non è una sconfitta prendere una scelta o vivere una esistenza ibrida. Finché di scelta si tratta e non di una imposizione. E che cavolo.
L'idea poi che tu donna debba farti il mazzo per permetterti la cameriera che ti pulisca casa è geniale, ma logisticamente paradossale.

Attraverso lo scrivere, con lo scrivere, avevo incominciato a realizzarmi. Scrivere richiede l'uso solitario della propria mente e delle proprie emozioni. Non c'è nessuno lì a incoraggiarti mentre butti giù un paragrafo dopo l'altro, nessuno che ti dica: «Brava, sei sulla buona strada!» Si decide da soli, e le decisioni da prendere non finiscono mai. Ci sono molti modi per arrivare a conoscersi ed accettarsi [...]

[melis · Rating 2 out of 5]

Anekdotlarla ilerleyen bir kitap ama ben daha teorik bir kitap olduğunu düşünerek okumaya başlamıştım o yüzden hayal kırıklığı yaşadım. Bir süredir elimde döndürüyorum, ilerledikçe sıkıldım aslında. Yazarın kimi yersizliklerini "Böyle bir şeyi nasıl söyleyebilir," şaşkınlığıyla okudum (bir yerde "kadınlar çalışıp kendi paralarını kazanmalı böylece evlerini temizlemeleri için başka kadınlar tutup kendilerine daha fazla vakit ayırabilirler," minvalinde bir şeyler demiş örneğin). Bilmiyorum, yine belirli bir kadın tiplemesi oluşturulmuş gibi geldi. Sanki her şey lisans, lisansüstü, doktora eğitimi alan/alacak kadınlar, yayıncılıkla uğraşan kadınlar vs. çevresinde dönüyor gibi yazılmış.

[Lisa Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in my very early 20s and it was life-changing. I still did some dumb things based on silly assumptions, but today I am a better woman and a better mother because of reading that book.

[Joy Airaudi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me a feminist!

[Karen Kane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book when I was just 23 and it had a profound effect on me. I recommend it for every young woman.

[Sadra Kharrazi · Rating 1 out of 5]

یکی دیگه از اون کتابای مزخرف فمینیستی

[Cordélia Leite · Rating 1 out of 5]

First, it is elitist. It also assumes every single person ought to have the same lifestyle in order to be happy and fulfilled. God forbid someone from being happy being a happy housewife right? While I do believe that having financial independence is important so as to avoid a position where one is too vulnerable, I believe too that every person has their own definition of happiness and it's not the author's place to tell others how to live. The theory that each person has somewhere in their unconscious mind some evil troll trying to ruin everything is unproven, fallacious and dangerous. There is one country where housewives are actually paid. Why not to fight for this? Someone has to do this work, and some actually can be happy doing it if properly respected and remunerated. Suggesting that every woman who is not financially independent is not because she keeps giving excuses and is afraid of being independent is insulting and ignores a whole system of oppression that works against minorities.

[Angela · Rating 3 out of 5]

As much as I'd hate to admit that I feel somewhat reliant on what a man thinks of me (and reliant on wanting to be "taken care of"), I am that way. This book explores what is known as the "Cinderella Complex", that little something that tends to keep women from seeking what they want, because they feel they don't deserve it.

Parts of the book were hard to follow, only because it was a copy published back in the 80's, so a lot of it seemed irrelevant. Yet, if you took away the decade differences, it was easy to see how the same concepts still have a small hold on women of today.

As women, we want to have that independence and strength of character, which men seem to have in spades. Yet, we often find that it's elusive and seek to find that "someone" who will offer us the support we feel we require.

I found it to be interesting in forcing me to think about myself - my own values and views.

[Betül Arıcan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kitapta yer alan referanslar eski tarihli olmasına rağmen, iki bin yirmili yıllarda hala güncelliğini koruyor. Ne acı!

Aslında kitabın her noktasına katılmak mümkün olmasa da; iyi gözlemlenmiş örneklerin, kişinin çevresinde gözlemlediği yaşamlarla uyum göstermesi ilgi çekiyor. Tam puan olma nedeni, belki de budur...

[Barbara Ab · Rating 1 out of 5]

Badly structured, badly written, out of date, too much about American culture, writer's experience, interviews... After 120 pages I had to give up!!

[Aini Akmalia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Buku ini sebenarnya saya pilih untuk dibaca pada hari ini bersempena Hari Wanita Sedunia. Buku ini sangat menarik, malangnya saya tidak berkesempatan menghabiskan pembacaan pada hari ini. Cukup setengah buku sahaja.

Ringkasnya, buku ini mengetengahkan bagaimana kisah dongeng Cinderella sebenarnya telah menyerap menjadi impian setiap gadis. Ya, hakikatnya sindrom yang dinamakan oleh penulis sebagai Cinderella Complex ini menjelaskan bahawa kebanyakan perempuan bermimpi agar senasib sepertimana Cinderella. Jangan salah faham! Buku ini bukan merendah-rendahkan mereka yang berstatus suri rumah, walau tugasnya tidaklah semudah namanya. Ibu saya pun seorang suri rumah juga!

Saya akui, buku ini sememangnya jelas membawa agenda feminisma, bahkan penulisnya juga merupakan seorang aktivis feminis. Jika kita perhatikan media massa dan aktivis feminis pada hari ini sangat berusaha mendorong para wanita untuk bersaing setaraf dengan lelaki. Saya tak nafikan ada baik dan buruknya. Berbeza dengan landasan yang diajarkan oleh Islam, wanita tugas utamanya sebagai pendidik anak-anak dan pengurus rumah tangga. Pun begitu, itu tidak bermaksud Islam membataskan wanita pada perkara-perkara berkaitan rumah tangga sahaja. Islam sama sekali tidak melarang wanita untuk bergerak aktif dengan hal-hal lain, bahkan Islam mengambil berat dan meletakkan rumah tangga sebagai awlawiyyat untuk kaum wanita. Ini kerana asas pembentukan masyarakat yang cemerlang bermula dari dalam keluarga. Betapa adilnya Islam menetapkan tugas lelaki dan perempuan sesuai dengan tabi'i masing-masing.

Namun, keadaan ekonomi yang bermacam ragam pada hari ini menuntut partisipasi kaum hawa untuk bersama menggembleng tenaga, kemahiran dan pengetahuan untuk membantu memajukan ekonomi. Si isteri boleh membantu sang suami untuk menyokong ekonomi keluarga. Dalam Islam, tiada halangan untuk wanita ikut serta maju dalam bidang-bidang profesional sebagaimana lelaki, namun Islam sangat menyayangi kaum wanita dan memahami naluri wanita, disebabkan itulah adanya beberapa garis panduan yang harus diingat oleh para wanita.

Biarpun buku ini dilabel sebagai feminisma dan penulisnya juga merupakan seorang feminis (pejuang feminisma), namun saya rasa ada baiknya buku ini cuba dibaca oleh para muslimah dengan menggunakan kaca mata Islam. Semangatnya wajar diambil. Psikologinya wajar di'rasai'.

Sekian saja untuk ulasan Pusingan Pertama. Nantikan sambungannya. Insya Allah.

[Sinem Ayan · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Özgürlük ve bagimsizlik baskalarindan (genelde toplumdan ya da erkeklerden) alinamaz, sadece yogun emekler sonucu içeriden gelistirilebilir. Buna ulasmak için kendimizi emniyette hissetmek amaciyla kelepçe gibi kullandigimiz her türlü bagimliliktan vazgeçmek zorundayiz. Yine de bu alisveris o kadar tehlikeli degil. Kendine inanan kadin yetenekleri disindali seylere iliskin bos hayallerle kendini aptal yerine koymak zorunda degil. Ayni zamanda usta ve hazirlikli oldugu islerle karsilasinca da geri çekilmeyecektir. Böyle bir kadin gerçekçidir, ayaklari yere basar, kendini sever. Sonunda baskalarini da sevmekte özgürdür çünkü kendini sever. Bütün bunlar özgürlüge uyanan kadinin bir özelligidir."

[Yeliz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hiçbirimiz zengin koca bulmak için veya kocalarımız bizim giderlerimizi karşılasın diye yetiştirilmedik. Her birimiz mesleğimiz olsun, kimseye eyvallahımız olmasın, önce kendimize sonra da topluma faydalı üretken bireyler olarak yetiştirildik. Peki neden kocasının maddi koruması altında olan kadınların cennette yaşadığını düşünüyor ve onlara imreniyoruz? Neden asgari konfor şartlarımızın karşılanacağından emin olduğumuz anda sahip olduklarımızı bırakma eğilimi gösteriyoruz?

Devamı:
http://gununcorbasi.blogspot.com/2015...

[Halime Yazıcı Mimaroğlu · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Kadın" algısı ve kadının kendisi ile ilgili algısı konusunda ilginç bir çalışma..... Özellikle kadının bir erkeğe muhtaç olması ya da o şekilde büyütülmesi gibi olgular üzerinde eleştiriye yoğunlaşıyor kitap.....
ilginç ve yer yer hak vermeden geçemeyeceğim güzel tespitlerde bulunmuş....

[Aljan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having been written in 1981, I thought that this book might be 'outdated". I found though that it manages to be quite timeless and remains current and useful. Sad in some places in its accuracy.

[Selen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so underrated! Totally a must-read.

[Homa Sharifmousavi · Rating 3 out of 5]

موضوع عالی، کتاب خوب اما قدیمی و ترجمه ای بسیار بد

[Sude Nur · Rating 5 out of 5]

Her kadının okuması gereken bir eser

[Florence K · Rating 5 out of 5]

“So the move to the country that glorious, winesap fall had felt like a tremendous reprieve from what I had thought of, rather vaguely, as 'my struggle'. Fortune had brought me back to another kind of place, an inner space not unlike the one I had inhabited as a child - a world of cherry pies and bed quilts and freshly ironed summer dresses. Now I had land and flowers, a big house with plenty of rooms, small, comfy window seats, nooks and crannies. Feeling safe for the first time in years, I set about concocting the tranquil domicile that lingers as a kind of cover memory of the most positive aspects of one's childhood. I made a nest, insulating it with the softest bits of fluff and cotton I could find.
And then I hid in it.”

If you are a woman who yearns for and romanticises “girlhood”, if you are a woman who is still waiting for life to happen to you, if you are a woman who flies back to stay with your parents when you want to get away from everything, if you are a woman who feels like getting into a relationship has saved them, if you are a woman who admires your partner more than you admire yourself, if you are a woman who feels a vague and insistent discomfort about yourself and your life, then you need to read The Cinderella Complex.

This book changed my life. It is the best book I have read this year and I think about it on a daily basis. Good lord I don’t know if I read it or if it read me. And thank god that I was prompted to read it because the things it discussed were things I had never heard put into words and things I desperately needed to hear.

The Cinderella Complex is a long-form feminist essay/self help book written in 1981 by Colette Dowling. Its central thesis is that women, like Cinderella, spend our lives serving others and investing in other people’s success rather than our own because deep down we profoundly doubt our own potential and fear being responsible for ourselves. We want to be taken care of: by our partner, by our parents, by anyone who we can be dependent on. And here’s the catch: we somehow believe that like Cinderella, one day, without having done anything to advance our own interests, without having worked for it, without having exposed ourselves to discomfort for it, without having had to ever step outside of the warm haze of safety that we have imprisoned ourselves in, a fairy godmother will come to us, wave her wand, and give us everything we want.

“Suddenly, and for the first time; I recognised that I was a person who wanted. I want, I want, I want, a voice within me cried, though it still seemed as if I couldn't get. It was as if I were living within some tough but translucent membrane. I could see through it, but I couldn't get out of it. The things I had come to recognise I wanted were not material but emotional, not quantifiable but tantalisingly evanescent: the freedom to do and to be, symbolized by yearnings for more light, more air, months at the ocean, a house in the country.
Buried, my conflicting desires to be both free and safe kept me bound. I railed, I danced, I wept. The sand beneath me shifted. This was all to the good. A few more years and friends would be gone; people would say that I had changed. I would have become different - a different person. The anxiety would be gone, but so too would the fine flush that came of dancing dreamily before the mirror. If the split that divided me was to heal, there was much that would have to be given up. No more the comforts of safety. No more the glories one can imagine when one is living solely in one’s head.”

This book is eloquently written, brutally perceptive, and devastatingly relevant to the present day despite being written in the 80s. In the “I’m just a girl”/“I’m the victim”/“It’s ethically wrong to subject anyone to discomfort or hardship/“You don’t owe anyone anything” culture that we live in today, The Cinderella Complex is the wake up call that so many women need: you’re not indifferent or lazy or unmotivated — you are scared. We’ve been taught dependence at a young age, and we are still subconsciously reaching for it — but we are adults, and no else is going to run our life for us. We are capable. Take yourself seriously, and take the things you want, instead of waiting for them to happen to you. If you prioritise investing in yourself over investing in love, you will unlock a richer, brighter, more well-rounded expression of yourself, and love will come all the easier.

Every woman should read this book, and every woman should then come and get a coffee with me and discuss it with me for several hours after reading it. Thank you and goodnight goodreaders xxx

Love,
Florence

[Aoife Conway · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had to lie to children that I was Cinderella two years in a row because of my inherent princess-like nature, so this book was written for me.

interesting in parts, terrifyingly accurate in others, but also felt a bit outdated (the book is decades old to be fair). Slightly disagreed with the whole concept that you have to be entirely independent to be a whole person? Like yes independence is important but I don’t want to lose all my relationships to discover it? I think it’s human (and crucially not UNfeminist) to rely on others and to have them rely on you (to a point). Also not fun to be told that I’m basically cursed to live an unfulfilling life, and the best I can hope for is to free my future daughter from the same fate … the plight of women continues just as times arrow marches forward 🙂‍↔️🙂‍↔️

I was always more a moana kind of girl.