Time Pimp

by Garrett Cook

"One part Doctor Who, one part Hustler Magazine, and the most fun you'll have reading cosmic smut." - Jeff Burk, author of Shatnerquake "A wonderfully ridiculous book . . . delivers imagination balanced by genuinely caring and adept writing." - Kris Saknussemm, author of The Humble Assessment The Time Pimp has been saving the galaxy by getting history's most important figures laid. From Caligula to Teddy Roosevelt, the Time Pimp has rolled up to the scene in his interstellar purple Cadillac and got them some ass. But a new power threatens the future of the Time Pimp - The Morality Front, a prudish force hell-bent on imposing its values on the galaxy. With the aid of the Death Pimp they will stop at nothing to end Free Love across time and space. But the Time Pimp ain't taking no shit from these jive-ass turkeys!

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Humor, Science Fiction, Horror, Novels

186 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 2013

About the author

Winner 1st Annual Ultimate Bizarro Showdown!

Garrett Cook was born in Wenham, Massachusetts July 19th, 1982. There are other details, but they're depressing or banal, with the exception of his haunted birthplace, his struggle with bipolar and a brief, unfortunate cancer scare. Yawn. Garrett Cook's work is far more interesting. He examines crises of faith and conscience through a pulpy,surreal or magorealistic lens to create magical, paranoid worlds that he hopes will entertain, antagonize and endear you. His books Murderland part 1:h8, Murderland 2:Life During Wartime and Archelon Ranch and Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective are available on Amazon. He is one of the creators and editors of the magazine Imperial Youth Review.

What people are saying about Murderland Part 1: H8


"Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps that meat cleaver is our best hope for salvation. Or maybe he belongs in an asylum. MURDERLAND is a brutally shocking book. Demented. Logical. Disturbing. It can be crudely powerful one moment, tenderly skillful the next, so the reader never knows what’s coming. There’s no way to prepare. No way to protect yourself. Garrett Cook’s work has an edge … and it’s at your throat."-
Robert Dunbar, author of The Shore and Martyrs and Monsters

"The offbeat brilliance of this book will freak your face off-"
Gina Ranalli, author of Mother Puncher, Sky Tongues and House of Fallen Leaves

"I have not read a debut novel this good in a long time (or as far as I could remember)"- Jordan Krall, author of Piecemeal June and Squidpulp Blues

"An intense, satirical and above all entertaining read"- Andersen Prunty, author of Zerostrata and the Overwhelming Urge

"A savage, very original satire that openly mocks the American demigod-like worship of worthless celebrity with a future where despicable murderers become our new focus of adoration. It's as farcical as Swift's "A Modest Proposal," yet no less poignant."-
bravenewworks.com

"Action! Explosions! Hot broads! Garrett Cook is two-fisted Bizarro pulp. I love his stories"-
Jeff Burk, author of SHATNERQUAKE

Reviews

[Pedro Proença · Rating 4 out of 5]

This books was... strange.

Don't get me wrong, I love bizarro fiction just as the next guy, but this book in particularly is very different.

Time Pimp is... well, a Time Pimp who must fight against his brother, the evil Death Pimp, who wishes to rule all timestreams with his Morality Front, a cult-like religion that bring corpses back to life to pimp then out to clients. And he does this with the help of a panda cientist and a leather-clad nun.

This is a very inteligent book, with references that vary from Jesus Christ to the meaning of life (The Game). Sometimes, you feel as though it's stupid, but when you approach the end, you get the meaning, you realize all of the hidden things you've missed.

I liked this book, it's not my favorite bizarro book ever, but it is smart on top of being bizarro, which is always a bonus.

[Ms. Nikki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Is there such as thing as smart bizarro? You haven't heard of it? Well, we'll assume Garrett just created it. You gotta use your mind, man, if you plan on getting engulfed in this super-intelligent, super-fun, pimptastically playeristic read right here!

Welcome to Netzach. The land where your fantasies can can be fulfilled...for a price.
Time Pimp is one smooth ass playa, going where his shoes tell him. He's all about pleasing his Clients so he can get paid. In Netzach a freaky sex function that includes some major historical players takes place, but Time Pimp doesn't get paid and his player card is about to be revoked.
His brother, Death Pimp, wants to be the only pimp and plans are set in motion to do just that. Death Pimp must recruit the Haters if he's to have any hope of pulling this off.
Time Pimp may be down, but he's not out.
Pimp fights ensue with lots of backslaps. Time Pimp must learn the true power of love and hate. Nobody said pimping was easy.

It took me a minute to shut down the buttoned-up side of my brain to really enjoy the story as the beginning seemed to not flow as well as the second half, which was perfect. Be sure to read this when you are in the mood for a strangely comical story or you will be doing yourself and this book a disservice~

"This read is a brain-blender, mixing your mind with some seasoned pimp juice."

*I was given a copy of this book in exchange for a honest review*

[Esther · Rating 5 out of 5]

My friend Abi says "There are so many ways to be culturally edgy, but what I'm most interested in is the story the edginess tells, and who wins in it."
This book is edgy, filthy, and I loved it. It's about sex, power and love. Also time travel and predatory alien races. It's sneaky with its sophistication and is a rocking good time. The pacing is deft and the ending kicked me in the chest.

[Marvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is a little hard to describe Garret Cook's satirical bizarro romp Time Pimp. The main reason is because Jeff Burk has already made the best comparison with "One part Doctor Who, one part Hustler Magazine". I can not top that but while reading this hilariously rude and not-so-crude delight I couldn't help thinking Kurt Vonnegut meets R. Crumb. I think I will just have to go with "the most obscene, offensive and hilarious meeting in time and space since Barbarella shagged Superfly". You can go with that too. Or don't go with it. What do I care?

If it seems that I am a little wiggy today, you can blame that on Mr. Cook. Time Pimp is a gloriously raunchy trip involving a pimp that travels in a purple Cadillac through time, a leather clad nun and a genius panda all fighting the evil Death Pimp and the Morality Squad in a battle to keep debauchery safe and thriving in the universe. Time Pimp regularly keeps the universe healthy by making sure famous figures like Dante, Ghandi, Ayn Rand, Sherlock Holmes and others "score", to put it mildly. As Time Pimp says near the beginning of the novel, "Dante Alighieri is gonna get hisself laid and I am gonna get myself paid." In some ways, Time Pimp reads like a comic book, albeit a very smart comic book. Normally when I say something reads like a comic book, I do not mean it as a compliment. But here, Time Pimp reads like a comic book in the best sense. Cook paints ludicrous pictures with his words making each impossible place and creature vividly realized with sharp and unforgettable images in your head. And while it is a fast read, it is not a simple read. The author sends us through various dates and places in a non-linear sense yet keeps us with the story. There are basically four novellas that are linked together in what can loosely be called a novel. If any of your favorite characters (I like Professor Panda) get killed, don't worry, They will probably be back. That must be part of the Doctor Who analogy. If there is any weakness in the novel it is that the cornucopia of wild ideas seem to be on the verge of chaos at some points but they never veer totally out of control. That sense of teetering and threatened toppling is actually one of the joys of this weird tale. The author takes on a lot of ideas, physics and just plain silliness and shakes them up so you are always finding something new. Any way you look at it Time Pimp is a raucous event of a novel.

Now for the disclaimer: Time Pimp isn't for everyone. It may be the raunchiest novel I've read that wasn't sold under the counter by a creep with greasy hands. The language is as rude as it comes and the sex is outrageous as it comes. But the plot is inspired and the writing is exquisitely brilliant in an over-the-top way. So if the idea of descriptive sexual positions between Ayn Rand and Genghis Khan doesn't disturb you (much) then you are in for a treat.

Time Pimp II anyone?

P.S.: I just shared this review with a few friends and the first thing they ask me is, "How many books sold under the counter by a creep with greasy hands have you bought?" That answer is NONE! It's a figure of speech! Geesh!

[S.B. (Beauty in Ruins) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love the whole Bizarro genre, I really do, but I really have to be in the right mood to enjoy it. Otherwise, what I should have expected to enjoy as brilliantly twisted and satiric can tend to come across as juvenile and in bad taste. Sadly, with the holidays looming, cold and flu season running through the house, and my office announcing the termination of 300 people in the new year, finding that right mood has been more difficult than normal.

Time Pimp came recommended to me as "one part Doctor Who, one part Hustler Magazine" and I can't think of a better way to describe it than that. If Time Pimp is part Doctor Who and part Larry Flynt, then his brother, Death Pimp, is part The Master and part Jerry Falwell. There's a whole battle of faith and morality going on here beneath all the kinky sex and Bizarro touches, and that's what really allows it to rise to the top of the genre.

In terms of narrative, Garrett Cook's tale is one of the more accessible Bizarro titles I've ever read. It's actually has quite a flow to it, almost becoming lyrical at times, and never tries to overcompensate for its failings with the distraction of WTF weird. The dialogue is absolutely perfect, lacking only a laugh track, and you can almost hear the cheesy 70s music in the back of your head. More absurd than weird, it feels at times like a really raunchy, uncensored, undiscovered Monty Python skit - in fact, I wouldn't have been at all surprised were Brian himself to make an appearance at some point, just to proclaim he is not, in fact, the messiah.

If you're not a fan of the genre, then all the bad pandas and leather-clad nuns in the universe won't be able to drag the laughs out of you. If you are a fan, or have even been curious as to what it's all about, Time Pimp is a fun, quick, sneakily-smart read that's definitely worth your time. It not only found the right mood, it kidnapped it, made sweet love to it, and even gave it a ride home.


Originally reviewed at Beauty in Ruins

[Osama · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nice Bizarro

It's my first time to read for Garrett Cook but it was a good read and I've enjoyed it so much going through time.
If you like bizarro and intelligent novels which make you think deeply to get the real and hidden meaning behind the story then it's for you. I liked the novel so much and recommend it!

[Derek · Rating 1 out of 5]

Pretty rough read. There were moments of intelligence, but they were few and far between.

[Sheldon · Rating 4 out of 5]

What happens when you mix pimps, time travel, pandas, and leather nuns inside the brain of a deranged bizarro author? You get Time Pimp by Garrett Cook.

Now, I have to admit something: The only book by Garrett Cook I've read until now was Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective , which I was not the biggest fan of. It was okay, but even accounting for its noir feel, it still felt very bleak and seemed to be missing a lot the fun that such a situation should have had. Or at least that was my take. So when I started reading “Time Pimp,” it wasn't without some apprehension.

I'm happy to say that Time Pimp came off completely differently and captures the joy that Jimmy Plush seemed to miss. Time Pimp is a fun, wild ride through time and space, from biblical times to the end of time itself and bizarre worlds with elements that seem random, and yet these random elements fit together perfectly in ways that you can't even imagine.

The story is bright and colorful. Well, about as bright and colorful as black and white printing can be, but it gives the feeling that everything is bright and colorful. Time Pimp is a pimp (well, duh!). Actually, he's not just any pimp. He is a pimp whose stable of hos are from every time and planet and can cater to every desire. His client list includes some of the most influential people in history. He is a master of alchemy, can turn basic water into cognac, and drives a giant purple time-traveling Cadillac. But, like the reader, he has no idea how time travel works. It just does.

This is not a difficult thing to overcome for the reader, however. No one (almost) knows how time travel works in this universe, but no one needs to. It's not important and doesn't distract from the story at all.

Time Pimp himself is not a caricature, despite what the description sounds like. There are four closely related stories that blend into one. Over the course of these stories, we learn that Time Pimp is actually very flawed and has a history that has led him to the point where the book starts. Time Pimp evolves, learns, and changes in excellent ways, along with other characters. We learn about his archenemy, Death Pimp, and what their relationship is. And we learn about the true nature of the psychic octopi that swim inside the absinthe in his platform shows. If I say much more, I'm afraid that I'll give too much away.

Yes, all of this fits together, and fits together beautifully in a way that surprisingly doesn't stretch the imagination. In fact, the evolution of Time Pimp and the other characters goes from being fun and funny to almost touching and thought-provoking, and not in a jarring way, either. In other words, Time Pimp doesn't jerk you around with a bunch of random and weird stuff. It evolves and actually has a grand and satisfying climax. It's more than a simple slice in the life of Time Pimp.

If I have one complaint about the book, it's the editing, which is a real shame. Cook has some really great writing and a great way of phrasing things, not to mention keeping the characters in character so that their dialogue stays consistent. But there are errors throughout the book that bug me. Like in other reviews I've written, editing errors are a pet peeve of mine, and tear the reader out of an otherwise sublime story. And there's enough in this book that I have to detract from the overall score.

If you're looking a fun read that is still definitely bizarre with good, strangely believable characters that evolve with a story that has a satisfying payoff, then Time Pimp will work nicely for you. Unless you're a little bitch. You're not a little bitch, are you?

Time Pimp by Garrett Cook earns 4 fine scotches out of 5.

[Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

From the title and cover I was expecting a totally popcorn read, quick and fun without too much behind it. I was surprised by the depth of the story and the metaphysical aspects of it. My expectations worked against me a bit because I wasn't prepared to actually think and I started to get lost at times.

While one story, Time Pimp is split in to four novella sized chunks. This took away from the cohesion as a whole because I enjoyed certain sections much more than others. My favorite is "The Vienna Job", which illustrates the crazy and illogical nature of time travel by mixing all of the parts of the story in non-linear vignettes. It sounds like this would be too confusing but it worked for me and was the most fun part of the book.

[John Bruni · Rating 4 out of 5]

The time traveling adventures of a pimp as he's joined by historical figures like Dante, Edgar Allan Poe and Elvis (in addition to fictional characters like Dracula and Sherlock Holmes)? Hands down, I am in. This book is hilarious! I think my favorite part is the murder mystery that involves Holmes and Poe in addition to Caligula, Ayn Rand, Sylvia Plath and others. But then again, the trial of Time Pimp is also amazing. The Council is just a mind-blower (and so is Time Pimp's sentence). And then there's Death Pimp . . . (Plus, I believe this is the only time Holmes has worked side by side with Van Helsing, so this is a must-read.)

[William Harrigan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Time pimp is a story of love and death told through skillful use of unrestricted imagery. The writing of this novel is funny and entertaining, while the ideas contained within are clearly illustrated and emotionally griping. The experience of Time Pimp is that of following a rouge imagination, through sexual and violent adventures, to an intimate dance between Eros and Thanatos. The heroes do not always act amiably, but this is a story of Eros and Thanatos, not good and evil. I was moved to both thought and feeling while reading this book.

[Chris · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had been looking forward to reading this book since it's release, but overall I felt it came up a bit short. I received an early copy of this and hope some corrections were made before release (quite a few little typos). A couple of things that bugged me were the fact that when the story goes back to Teddy Roosevelt's White House it's 1911 [he was president from 1901-1909] and Viola's name is changed to Olivia for all of pg. 142.

[David Piwinski · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this more than I was expecting to. It's extremely silly, obviously, but the story is actually pretty engaging and the writing is mostly very good. Not for everyone, as it is quite vulgar and extremely bizarro, but I had a lot of fun with it.

[NumberLord · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sherlock Holmes, a vampire Ayn Rand, Pandas, the Vienna Job.

From the Hot Tub of Justice, Garrett Cook represents.

[Booked podcast · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hear the complete review on our website: http://www.bookedpodcast.com/2014/02/...

[Karla · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh, some good parts but the story line was fairly disjointed.

[Miley Styles · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this ride!

[Chris Eager · Rating 3 out of 5]

At times silly, and at times vertiginous and thought provoking.