The Commitment Dialogues

by Matthew McKay, Barbara Quick

Conflicts over money, sex, children, time, and where and how to live are common among couples struggling with commitment. But these issues are almost always stand-ins for deeply buried fears that have been triggered by the relationship. In this absorbing and insightful book, clinical psychologist and bestselling self-help author Matthew McKay, Ph.D., offers a unique, interactive approach to helping couples improve communication and recognize and work through the four primary fears that tend to sabotage long-term commitment: Fear of Engulfment: Will I Still Exist if I Merge with You? Fear of Abandonment: Is There a Magic Glue to Make You Stay? Fear of Shame: You Won't Love Me Anymore if You See the Real Me Fear of Emptiness: If I Keep Moving, I Won't Have to Look Inside Based on real-life sessions from his own practice, Dr. McKay allows you to eavesdrop on other couples' therapy, see their conflicts develop from both points of view, learn where and why their discussions get ugly, and witness their struggles while they journey toward insight. Through their stories, you will learn: How each of the four fears works to undermine long-term love How couples can identify and overcome their fears How to look beneath surface conflicts How to move beyond fear to understanding, clarity, and commitment In addition, each chapter is followed by exercises and assessments designed to promote insight into your own or your partner's fears, with guidelines for overcoming them. All successful relationships require a degree of give-and-take, learning and acceptance, goodwill, insight, and the ability to change and grow amid life's upheavals. At the core of these is effective communication. TheCommitmentDialogues proves that

Genres: Relationships, Psychology

304 pages, ebook

First published January 2, 2005

About the author

Matthew McKay, PhD, is a professor of psychology at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, and author of more than 30 professional psychology and self-help books which have sold a combined total of more than 3 million copies. He is co-founder of independent self-help publisher, New Harbinger Publications. He was the clinical director of Haight Ashbury Psychological Services in San Francisco for twenty five years. He is current director of the Berkeley CBT Clinic. An accomplished novelist and poet, his poetry has appeared in two volumes from Plum Branch Press and in more than sixty literary magazines. His most recent novel, Wawona Hotel, was
published by Boaz Press in 2008.

Reviews

[D · Rating 3 out of 5]

A useful read that identifies 4 core fears that play into couples' conflicts, and how to work around them.

1. Fear of Engulfment: Will I exist if I merger with you?

2. Fear of Abandonment - runners (leave first) or clingers

3. Fear of Shame: You won’t love me if you see the real me

4. Fear of Emptiness: If I keep moving, I won’t have to look inside - seeing people in love lose their passion for each other. Vulnerable to emptiness, meaninglessness, depression and boredom.
Remember - emptiness is just a temporary state. It’s like a wave. It may last a few hours or a few days or weeks. But it, too, shall pass.

A new intense sexual relationship feels great to someone coping with emptiness.
The honeymoon phase is full of sexual and emotional discovery. Everything is new and interesting.
For a time, the emptiness and depression are hidden.
Then the relationship plateaus. There are conflicts, periods of withdrawal. The sexual energy subsides a little. Commitment wavers and the relationship begins to feel like a trap. The only escape is another new, intense involvement.

Coping with Emptiness

Step 1: Recognize that emptiness, like all painful emotional states, is temporary.

Step 2: Acknowledge the feeling. Give a name to the experience. Describe the loneliness and yearning or the numbness. Give words to what’s chasing you, and make it less scary. We can manage it as a team. The worst thing about emptiness is being alone with it. Collaborate on ways to face off depression and vulnerability.

Step 3: Plan a set of strategies to push emptiness away: exercise, walks, romantic weekend, massage, time with friends, movies, cooking, eating, talking

Step 4: Build “emptiness tolerance.” Focus attention outside the self and/or meditation to peace and calm inside.



Masking Issues
Time: Time taps into core needs: the hunger for connection and human nourishment, the need to be seen and known, and also the need for autonomy, private self
Money
Children
Sex

Couples Research

Issue/Conflict:
Fears:
Other feelings:
History:
Assumptions:
Perceived choices:
Needs:

Adapted from When Anger Hurts Your Relationship by Kim Paleg, PhD and Matthew McKay PhD.