Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships

by Greg Baer

Furnishes a practical blueprint for successful relationships by detailing the various steps to finding and maintaining love, dicussing such topics as the difference between conditional and unconditional love, how to eliminate conflicts, how to differentiate between imitation love and real love, and the destructive impact of dishonesty and criticism. 30,000 first printing.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Relationships, Marriage, Mental Health, Personal Development

288 pages, Hardcover

First published January 27, 2003

About the author

For twenty years, Greg Baer, M.D. was a highly successful surgeon, teacher, civic leader, and entrepreneur. But despite all his accomplishments, wealth, and respect, he felt empty and unhappy. He became a drug addict and nearly committed suicide. In his subsequent search for genuine happiness, he learned some principles that have changed the lives of hundreds of thousands. After Dr. Baer retired from one of the busiest solo eye surgery practices in the United States, he began a new career of writing, teaching, and speaking. He has so far written 17 books about relationships, marriage, and parenting, which have been translated into multiple languages, and published worldwide; produced the three-CD audio series, The Truth About Love and Lies; produced the six-DVD set (with Workbook) The Essentials of Real Love; produced the PBS television special, Real Answers, viewed nationwide; appeared on over 1500 radio and television programs from coast to coast in the United States; counseled personally with thousands of individuals and couples, profoundly changing their lives with the principles and power of Real Love; written thousands of blogs; conducted over 300 seminars and corporate trainings and delivered speeches to audiences around the world where he has taught the principles of Real Love; and developed a comprehensive website that offers Real Love education through video coaching, thousands of blogs, weekly video chats, support forums, and much more. An extensive Master Index is conveniently available to help you navigate through these resources. Dr. Baer and his wife, Donna, are the parents of seven children and live in Rome, Georgia.

Reviews

[Eileenmarie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book; it is written in a way that really hit home for me. I think that this book along with Eckart Tolle's A New Earth - is the answer to a happy life. It shows me how to stop playing a victim and learn to find unconditional love in my life, and to give it in return. It's an excellent companion to my twelve step work.

[Lyndsey · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have read a lot of self help books lately and the most frustrating thing I've realized through all of them is the writers believe they have the ONE answer to solve all the worlds problems so half of the book is them trying to sell you on an idea. But we are all so different and have such different life experiences and are all so unique that I just cant believe there is only one way to fix everyone.

This book became insanely repetitive. Each "example" story was the same as the last except for the names. The main concept was pretty much fully explained in the first chapter or two so the rest bored me to tears, hence why it took me so long.

I liked a lot of snippets that I read and have put into practice some of his ideas. But the whole message is a bit extreme for me.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has some very good concepts.

It says you need to find Real Love (Unconditional Love). But I believe that Real Love is already there for all of us, just waiting to be grabbed and it is offered through Jesus Christ.

It tells you to step out in faith and tell the truth about yourself to people, Wise Men, it calls them and while a lot will reject you, some won't and will love you. While I agree with this, FIRST I believe that we must seek Jesus for our love, allow him to shower us in it. His love will make us whole.

Plus this book would make anyone feel like total crap most of the time. I agree that Anger is NEVER positive. And he said not to feel bad or heavy when we fail and get angry. But at the end of the book, I still feel like Dr. Baer would judge me if I got angry. I truly feel like this book could be a five, if Jesus Christ was written all over it. But without him...you can try and try and you will always fall short of giving or recieving Real Love.

[Dawn · Rating 2 out of 5]

Could get his message on one chapter. When talking about marriage he turned into a Victorian era pompous male ass.

[Victor · Rating 5 out of 5]

"If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live" - Tommy Wiseau

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book sounds cheesy, but it's actually really good! It gets to the true heart/root of any kind of unhappiness. The first half of the book I found discouraging and depressing (because the truth can be hard to take), but the second half is more empowering and encouraging. Although this book is geared towards couples, it's actually my new favorite PARENTING BOOK! I've been able to be more loving and less angry/annoyed with my kids. Our relationship and their behavior has changed as well. A great book for anyone looking for less moments of anger/unhappiness and more happiness/unconditional love in their life. I REALLY like this book.

[Reilly Green · Rating 2 out of 5]

Insanely repetitive. I find a lot of the conversations and situational examples “prove” the authors point simply because it was written by him. The author makes it seem as though the outcome of the give scenarios is the only way they could have been played out.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life's path.

[Kelsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't normally enjoy self-help titles. Greg Baer's theory on Real Love is not perfect. My critiques are small compared to how much I approved of the overall message. It attempts to increase unconditional love. It's a book that generally explains inter-personal relationships.

This is the first self-help book that spoke to my needs and helped me understand what motivates anyone to seek Imitation Love (praise, power, pleasure and safety) in place of unconditional love. And I appreciate now being able to identify Getting and Protecting behaviors and understanding that they're caused "by our need to be loved and our fear of not being loved."

Anyway. Point is, I'm going to read the author's other titles on parenting and marriage because this first book was indeed helpful.

[Keri · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was eye opening. It was one man's perception of how love is expressed in our world today. It was about how we communicate with one another and how that communication influences who we are and how we feel about ourselves and the world around us. This is not a read for someone looking for solid philosophy or proven theories of phsychology. But it does make you think about peoples perceptions of your communication with them and if those you love are really know how you feel. There was some sound practical application given, but if you want a concrete book to read on the subject of giving and recieving love, with abundant applications I would still highly recommend the 5 Love Languages series.

[Joe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clear and consice; this could be a course 101 on relationship and life skills requirement for college and highschool. However, it is downright tragic that modern society has no real concept of what really needs to be taught in basic life skills. Hats off to Greg Baer in taking the effort to put it down here in writing.

[Paulette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is, hands down, the most practical 'how to' guide to loving without condition! If we were able to communicate with each from this place of real love...I agree with Dr. Greg Baer that we could solve all of the world's problems! I highly recommend reading...and more importantly, implementing these approaches to unconditionally loving and being loved.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first page grabs you like no other.

[Joshua K. B. Mayr · Rating 4 out of 5]

We think we know about love... What most of us know is but an imitation of real love, an ‘imitation love’ indeed, just as the writer calls it. Real love is unconditional, free from lies and anger and free from expectations. It’s not something you take or buy but it’s freely given. Our ignorance about love is the most poisonous, it strips us off of any chance of experiencing real happiness, and we go on living lives of emotional poverty, treating relationships as if they were contracts in which one has to maximise their profit, trying to make the other person give us some satisfaction, and when we find such source of excitement we tend to hold on to them in a possessive way, and always expecting something more, we are never contempt. As Dr. Bear beautifully puts it “with real love, nothing else matters. Without it, nothing else is enough”; yet we’re not entirely to blame for our ignorance about love, we learn conditional love in our childhood, from our parents. Kids need to be corrected, alright, but lack of love shall never be an acceptable punishment. I just turned 28 years old and still experience the consequences of a conditional love education: I realise I was following paths and choices that weren’t mine, just because I was terrified of losing my parents love otherwise. Even though this caused me much suffering, I’m not going to put the fault on them: what they know about love is what their parents taught them about love: that you have to earn it, you have to buy it with a submissive behaviour. It’s not their fault I don’t know real love (yet), nor is it my grandparents fault really, they all did their best. Thanks to this book and to many others, I have now the instruments to break the cycle of false love for me and my future family. It’s definitely a recommended read... The reason I didn’t give it stars is that, in my opinion, Dr. Baer tends on one hand to stress a lot the same (important) concepts, providing various examples, on the other hand he sometimes barely mentions some equally important and inspiring concepts. My suggestion: read this book, read between the lines too, and most important of all, apply what you learn to your own life.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is yet another that I think should be taught in school. The book is essentially about learning to receive and give unconditional love (what the author calls Real Love). He goes into obstacles to this, what he terms "Getting and Protecting Behaviors", which are behaviors like lying, running, and manipulating, and why we do them.

In terms of content, I give it five stars. Life changing stuff in here. For me personally, it's helped me tremendously in terms of learning the importance of telling the truth about myself in order to receive love from others.

I will say the author repeats the ideas over and over (and over) in this book, and I think 40-50% of the length of the book could be cut and the same ideas would still come across. I couldn't tell if he was just trying to hammer home the importance of his points, or if it was fluff he or the publisher required to make the book a certain length. It's probably a combination of both.

Ultimately, the content is so good I gave it five stars even though it's presented in a very redundant, sometimes boring, way.

I would recommend this book to anyone, but especially people who find themselves feeling empty and afraid, or who have a history of dramatic or dysfunctional relationships.

[Alyssa Warner · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book explains the difference between transactional and unconditional love. I loved the real-life examples. I liked how he teaches and encourages us to be our authentic self and to take ownership of our own faults and insecurities. The only thing I wish he would've touched more on was that even if we aren't receiving unconditional love from someone around us that it is always there from God. I understand his point of the wise friend, but I also could see that creating a new problem when seeking unconditional love outside your marriage. When I'm feeling my love bank is empty, my best experience has been in turning to God. Learning more of His and Christ's character and then trying to implement those qualities. But, again, this was a good book with so many great points and tons of examples of how to navigate relationships in all their forms. It's definitely worth the read.

[Elizabeth Heller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got a lot out of this book. I had to face things about myself that I struggle with, and I learned useful tools for dealing with the problems in my relationships. I really am glad I read it and would recommend it to everyone. That said, it can be preachy and repetitive- it could have been shorter and possibly more effective. it was also particularly useful for me to be reading it in the context of recently reading Brene Brown's work about worthiness and vulnerability and having studied the Dali Lama's writing on compassion, so I could replace Baer's terms with one that have to most clarity for me. Anyway, read this, fight with the parts that are hard, and get the value out of it.

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read too many relationship books, sad to say but this one really has changed the way I see myself and all of my relationships.

[Daniela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good, from a man's perspective.

[Cab · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of those books I wish I would have read many moons ago. It might have changed the path of my marriage.

[Bex Konzel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I either vehemently agreed with his thoughts or full-heartedly disagreed. He was very repetitive and I skimmed a lot.

[Manel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the principles the book lays out but I find it somehow misoginistic and heterocentric.

[Bronson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have issues with this book. I found it depressing and it gave me a stomach ache to read it. I'm curious about it, there are some interesting principles and strategies but I don't agree with the overall premise that unconditional love solves everything. I don't even think that unconditional love is a real thing. I don't think it's possible to love or be loved unconditionally - maybe that's why I struggled with the book. I think there are conditions to everything. I look to religion and God as an example of unconditional love. If any being is capable of "perfect" love, wouldn't it be God? But the scriptures are full of examples of chosen people who have His attention and the wicked who incur his wrath. The sheep and the Goats, "If ye are not one, ye are not mine". We're taught - at least in my faith that if we love God, we keep the commandments. That all feels pretty conditional to me.
I think there are some tactics for loving and accepting people. I've felt that. I've felt both love for and been the recipient of love by people where I didn't think there was an expectation but the closer the relationship or the longer a relationship exists, then expectation / disappointment / control etc etc comes into it.

The other thing that bothered me about the book are his examples. His couples and relationships are all so simple. They didn't represent real life, or at least my life.

His stuff is popular and people seem to like it. I'd like to have a discussion with some of my coworkers that are fans to see why they like it so much and what I missed. Right now, I'm just glad I'm done so I can focus on something else.

[Lucas K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Greg's knowledge, wisdom and experience, helped me save my child, through his parenting course at reallove.com website. He is a real person. And if you need a "wise man", he is there for you.

I came to read this book, as I am trying to learn how to become a "wise man", like he is. Once your eyes are open to all the pain out there, you can't help but want to help. Which brought me back to Greg.

After years of distilling his knowledge, his wisdom and his practical experience to a few basic principles, he has Real Love down to an art form. It really is beautiful. And simple. Not easy. No, not at all. But there is nothing more worth the effort on this planet, than learning and following what Greg has to say about Real Love.

We were never taught this stuff as kids, and neither were our parents. It's no one's fault. But once you grasp the concept, believe in it and follow it, there will be no turning back. Real Love = Happiness. And who doesn't want that?

One day, this will be taught in schools. The world over. For now, for the fortunate amongst us, we have this book. And Greg.

If there were 15 rating stars on this system, I'd give this title 16.

[RuthAnn Hogue · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this at the suggestion of a friend who also invited me to attend Real Love group meetings. It had some information that was useful, but a lot of it was not for me. I wound up quitting the group after bringing a different friend with me one evening, who said afterward that he felt like they were not being all that nice, in particular, to me. I had to admit he was right. I don't remember what they said but it was not complimentary. It didn't feel like the "love" the author was trying to spread.

Bottom line: it was OK. I wouldn't recommend it in particular. There are nuggets you can glean from it.

[Amy Stephens · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think everyone should read this book because it applies to every type of relationship. It teaches you how to control your own emotions/reactions, be truthful about yourself, and also how to accept others as they are. It helps you understand the differences between unconditional (real) vs conditional (imitation) love and the behaviors associated with each. Real love is what will give you true happiness in life. This book helped me recognize a lot of things that I need to work on, which is good!

[Taylor Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title is cheesy but the book is great. I am not a big fan of self help books but I feel this one was different and well done. Writing style is very plain and simple but examples are very relatable. I randomly picked this book off the shelf and had a hard time putting it down. I thought “how to win friends and influence people” was ok. This book is everything that book should have been. I feel this book has really helped me deepen my love for everyone around me. I try not to use hyperbole, but I think this book will change my life for the better.

[Chappyfamily · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of great information but a lot of sappy. Some of it was hard to handle. I love the concept that we just have to love, even if we don’t love something about someone, love them anyway. You can’t change anyone except yourself and you have no right to expect anyone to do anything. Everyone has their own agency. But this pretty much wraps up the book. Maybe if you can get past the “kids, it’s my fault you’re fighting because I didn’t show you enough unconditional love.” Kind of sappy you will get something out of it.

[Signe · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are looking for useful mindset and communication tools to achieve fullfillment, happiness and authenticity in your relationships then this book is a good pick. Applicable not just in your romantic relationship but with friends, children and co-workers too.

Despite of my initial skeptism of the book being yet another ‘i-have-the-one-and-only-truth-for-you’ selfhelp book, it still ended up opening my eyes to some of my own flaws and imperfections when communicating. It taught me to dissect emotions to their truthful meaning so that i can not only communicate clearly, but so that others can feel seen by me too. These facts makes the book one of my top 5 picks to read for self development.

[Brendan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think there are ideas in the book which are quite profound - but I feel like he acts like this concept of Real Love is this silver bullet and the solution to all of love's problems. I felt at times he simplified things and made the solution out to be easy, I do think life and love is a bit more complicated than that. Basically, what I'm getting at is that I feel it lacked nuance at times.

That being said, I do think some ideas were powerful, and maybe this is the kind of book I'll go back to in a few years and realise how wrong I was. Who knows :)