Mad Wife: A Memoir

by Kate Hamilton

Submitting to unwanted sex destroyed Kate’s love for her husband, but she considered killing herself before she could imagine leaving.

In this electrifying literary memoir, Kate Hamilton deftly traces her complicated journey from loving wife to gaslighted victim to furious feminist with an urgent goal: to expose how women are pressured to uphold the institutions of marriage and family no matter the cost.

Hamilton braids her personal story with cultural criticism to argue that we must face the misogyny lurking in the shadows of marriage in the 21st century. She examines the beliefs and conditioning that held her in an increasingly destructive marriage, and unflinchingly documents what she did to keep her family together—therapy, unwanted sex with her husband, swinging, affairs, an abortion—without always knowing what she freely chose. And she considers the damage that was done, to herself and others, until she could acknowledge that to save herself and her sons, she had to destroy her marriage.

Emotionally intense and timely, Mad Wife interrogates how marriage and the institutions that support it provide the perfect ecosystem for abuse of women and children, endangering their lives and denying them autonomy—all in the service of men’s desires.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Feminism, Biography Memoir, Audiobook, Divorce, Marriage

221 pages, Hardcover

First published October 15, 2024

Reviews

[Rita Egan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This woman's story.... my brain hurts

A scathing indictment on the patriarchy, men, toxic masculinity, male entitlement, the fragile male ego, the structures and systems that exist to silence women, to put women in their place, to box women in and exploit women's tenancies to appropriate guilt, shame.

When a man puts his sexual "needs" before his partner's physical and mental wellbeing, what do we call that?

Does no meaning no apply in marriage?

What is it when consent is bullied, guilted, demanded, shamed from a person?

From your husband who claims to love you.

The author has chosen to remain anonymous to protect the privacy and dignity of her family, even her ex-husband. This is not revenge literature. This is one woman screaming out the story of many many women. I hope that anyone who needs to know that they are not the only ones gets to read this, or hear about it.

Men. No means NO!!!!

[Bree · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book kinda blew up my world a little, and I think that's what the author intended.
Although at this point I've been married and divorced (and had a kid!), this brought up some trauma(?) from my first serious relationship when I was 25. I had to take a break reading it because things I had discounted as normal life experiences she was cataloging as abuse.

This book asks a lot of questions that maybe we don't want the answer to, just yet.
I hope we get there.

[Maddie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Emotional, angry, upset, Mad Wife made me feel so many uneasy feelings. There's no easy way to write about abusive controlling relationships, there's no easy way to convey your emotions and express how that coersive environment slowly turns you into a person who you don't recognise even yourself. Mad Wife is a hard difficult read but I feel it's an important read. It's a read that can and should start conversations. Thank you, Kate Hamilton.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have left this review for last of my batch of catch up mini-reviews, because I both have SO MUCH to say and at the same time don’t even know what to say about this. I truly did not know what to expect when I picked this up - I expected a standard difficult divorce memoir - but this was… that, plus something else entirely.

As I read this, I found it exceedingly hard to identify with the author. I struggled with this, because she acknowledges repeatedly throughout the book that people will judge her for her actions - her lies, her infidelities, her betrayals, etc - but those were not the things that I took issue with at all. What I could not understand was why she didn’t just leave. And I still don’t really understand that. Not that she owes me a reason, but… I read everything she related here, and I made over 130 notes and highlights in my kindle, and I think 90% of those are some variation of “WHY YOU NO LEAVE?!”

She talks about obligation, and her marriage vows, and her parents/family sticking it out in terrible marriages, and her friends staying in their terrible marriages, and not wanting her kids to be harmed by divorce… but none of that really explains why SHE felt she had to stay. Likely it’s a combination of all of those things, and late in the book she talks about how angry she was at how manipulated and brainwashed she was to believe some of the things she did, but, I still just don’t get it. The lengths that she went to to try to snatch a tiny gasp of oxygen while suffocating under the dead weight of her emotionally abusive, neglectful, manipulative, and traumatic marriage seem to me like a much, much farther bridge than just saying “I want out.”

But abuse is tricky like that, and it’s not really for me to understand or condone her actions. I am glad that she finally did get out, and I am glad that she has told her story and I hope that it helps others to avoid similar nightmare marriages. Her story is nothing if not brutally honest with her truth, and while I cannot identify with her, I can empathize with her and hope she continues her path toward normality and healing.

I will say that her book is extremely well written and insightful, even if the insights I was looking for weren’t exactly clearly forthcoming. But her growth and ability to acknowledge the situation and her role within it, and to learn from it, and share her story with brutal honesty was commendable. What I found less commendable was how she insisted on giving grace to her ex-husband, even while he’s continuing to try to control and manipulate and harm her, using her children and custody to do it. She STILL insisted that he was a good person, doing his best, and that SHE had harmed HIM. GAH.

I can understand wanting to remain amicable, especially when there are kids involved. But the hell he put her through, for years… the hell he was actively putting her son through… No. I’m not nearly that kind. Honestly, the part of her story when she went to court to try to protect her son, who was also suffering under his father’s emotional abuse and neglect, had me raging. The way that the misogynist lawyers and judge railroaded her and her case, which again, was simply to PROTECT THEIR SON, not even for herself. And still she acknowledged him and gave him grace, even while outpouring her anger at what he put her and their kids through.

I don’t get it. I have come out of the experience of this memoir with oodles more rage than I had going in, and no satisfying outlet for it. But maybe the lesson here is that getting out is enough, and that not all stories have a satisfying ending. Sigh.

So… in conclusion. I read this. It was compelling and enraging and well written and insightful, but deeply, deeply unsatisfying in terms of justice for her and her kids’ trauma. I’m rating it on the writing and honesty more than my enjoyment, because I did not enjoy this at all.

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Feeling ambiguous

Although Kate and I are both have doctorate degrees and are within 10 years of the same age, it's hard to understand her story. I've been a victim of a similar type of DV. The control and manipulation makes it extremely difficult to leave. But, I did within a year. Not everyone can do that, especially if one is reliant on the abuser for a home, food, etc.

However, Kate talks a lot about not wanting to fail at marriage. Her fear of failure seems to be the main reason she won't leave. So, instead she becomes a swinger and adulterer. What? Is her image and fear of failure that damn important to her? Her image definitely is as we hear over and over again about her workouts, "nice" body, highlighted hair, and seeking her parent's approval. I don't understand this as I am not one who cares about image, approval, or failure. She focuses less on the coercion and manipulation and how that makes it so hard to leave abusive marriages.

Yes, her husband is a dirtbag abuser. He's gross and Kate can be pretty gross at times too. She is a victim, but not a perfect one. That doesn't bother me. What does bother me is that she seems to focus on not failing in her marriage in this book. If that is the real reason she couldn't leave, it's hard to find much empathy. And the fact that she doesn't know much about feminism, DV, and even the term parental alienation well into adulthood boggles my mind. Does she read anything outside of her specialty in literary criticism? Does she have diverse friendships? I don't know, because she seems naive and sheltered as if everything she learned is earth shattering and new. She may have an advanced degree, but she's very out of touch.

Stories like these must be told. But, coming from a person who agrees to swinging, orgies, and then betrays friends all because she must satisfy her husband sexually so she doesn't fail, don't help the cause at all.

(It also doesn't help that she's quite pedantic. She uses the word periaptetic no less than 3 times. I'm am academic who loves words. But using these types of words along with swearing makes it look like she's a little kid showing off her ability to cuss and use a thesaurus).

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

This had me angry, shocked, and sad. Hamilton takes a brutally honest look at her marriage and divorce, and I’m not going to sugarcoat it: yes, it will make you uncomfortable, and yes, it will make you mad. I’m impressed that she was able to revisit the most difficult moments of her life with such honesty and reflection.

Hamilton used a pseudonym for this book, and while I see both pros and cons in using a pseudonym, I feel like she made the right decision for herself. But I don’t think her husband deserves the anonymity. It may not be my place to say it, but I’ll say it, her ex-husband is an ass. Men like him get away with things all the time, and they deserve a slap back to reality.

If you’re a fan of memoirs and if you’re interested in stories regarding marriage, divorce, swinging, cheating, emotional abuse, etc. you need to spend some time reading this. It may not be for everyone, and it may make you uncomfortable and may make you upset and mad and sad, but these stories need to be told, and these stories need to be heard because ignoring them and shying away from them is why this shit keeps happening and why men keep getting away with the behavior that her ex husband displayed.

Damn. After this, I need a glass of wine.

[Sarah Guldenbrein · Rating 5 out of 5]

That was incredible.

She does such a beautiful job of weaving her personal narrative into a structural analysis, which is MY JAM. She reminds us from the beginning that abuse can creep up on those of us who think of ourselves as savvy, worldly, independent, and feminist. I feel very lucky and very mad.

Wow she grovels and shames herself before the reader. I didn't always feel like she needed to be as ashamed as she still seems to be, but I appreciate her tenderness and her recognition of harm.

She writes from an extremely privileged position and her analysis is never explicitly intersectional, but it's not necessarily tone deaf. In my reading, her privilege just reinforces her point that abuse is so structurally protected that even an extremely educated, connected, financially secure, white cis woman can struggle to get out from under it, which implies if not outright says that those with less privilege must be even more subjugated by the patriarchal systems that protect abusers.

*This review was written under the influence of nighttime cold medicine. Apologies if it's garbled.

[Alysse Aallyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This riveting book should be required reading for everyone considering marriage with someone whose interpersonal communication style is either negative or non-existent. This book serves as testimony that it can get very, very bad indeed, and the children suffer worst. Kate Hamilton (a pseudonym) blames her inability to make a better bargain for herself on being raised in a patriarchal society she thoroughly identifies with. She becomes an English professor! But really her husband's bad behavior (I had to shed one of those too before my lucky strike) is less responsible for her misery than her abject lack of coping mechanisms; incomprehensible to me since English literature is filled with useful examples from Henry James to John Cheever to Alysse Aallyn!

[Brynne Schweigel-Skeers · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took a lot of courage to write this book. I will be referring people to it and thinking about its contents for a long time. It’s a dark, sad story, but I do think is more common than many of us would like to admit. I highly recommend it.

[Teddy · Rating 4 out of 5]

honest, brave

[Veronica Budzinski · Rating 4 out of 5]

ok I am also mad

[Hannah Narragon · Rating 3 out of 5]

do not recommend reading whilst going through a divorce

[Adrianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow. Exceptionally well written memoir of a highly dysfunctional marriage, the most dysfunctional marriage memoir to date. "Kate Hamilton" is actually a pseudonym. I feel like her use of a pseudonym actually allowed her to be 100% honest in her writing, unlike Maggie Smith's infamous admonitions against our "rubbernecking". First all, this is a very sensitive read. Violence, abuse, infidelity, cancer, religion, abortion, alcoholism, SA, eating disorders, mental illness, you name it, the triggering content it's there. The content is compelling and explosive, and its hard to believe that this was actually a person's life. Most people's lives I know seem utterly boring in comparison to this woman's. The book is highly well written though, not at all like a tabloid or "tell-all". The author is an English professor and loves weaving in lessons from novels she's read, or studies she knows about. But it's not overdone and used when appropriate. The main theme of this memoir focuses on and literally destroys the common prescript that "sticking out a marriage" is the best, most moral option and best for a family. She shows in painstaking detail how this concept, of "sticking it out" led to she and her husband engaging in harmful, even horrible, activities. Where do I even begin? First of all, they met in college and traveled extensively around the world, carefree, having sex constantly, with no responsibility. Of course it's great. After their travels ended, in their late 20s I think, their relationship seemed to have run its course. As soon as they settled in 'normal life' (I would have liked more explanation of their travels --- did she see this as just a superficial way to mask the hard questions of what she wanted in life?) things got hard, quick. In fact, this is when they settled down to attend graduate school, the husband was diagnosed with ADD and did not take his medicine and she felt disconnected. But she did not leave. No instead, she had 2 children with this man who seemed disturbingly unable to connect or love his children let alone HER. He coerced her into having an abortion of their third child (after he was too lazy to put on a condom). This should have been her breaking point. But no, instead things get weirder and worse. Feeling neglected, and controlled, she then had an emotional affair with her best friend's husband via email (they get together once in person); husbands finds out , goes ballistic. She feels guilty and her coerces her into "swinging" with other couples (I was aghast-this woman is an English professor and he put her pictures online without her consent--this could have ruined her career). Instead of leaving, she agrees to go to these 'sessions' because it gets her husband off her case about having "relations" with him, which she no longer enjoys. They meet with a Russian immigrant couple named "Ivan" and "Vanya" (never considering that Vanya could have been a victim of human trafficking--she had a sad back story the author never finds out until hears later, I suspect Vanya was very much coerced and in a worse situation than the narrator). The author installs a stripper pole into her children's playroom to practice on. She has the children meet Ivan and Vanya. Her husband routinely drives home from their sessions while drunk, or drive recklessly. Their years long marriage counseling is useless. The swinger relationship ends and they author has numerous other (mostly virtual via the internet-email actually back in those days) affairs with unhappily married men. Predictably, these all end badly when a spouse finds out, the partner cuts off the relationship suddenly, the spouse blows up at her, and she's devastated, wrecked, somehow trapped in this horrible cycle. Her husband keeps lashing out but he has CANCER (which is cured by surgery and then he is fine but the diagnoses convinces her to stay longer--I wish she had mentioned stats of how many male partners leave their wives with cancer). She finally decides to leave her husband after reading Chopin's "The Awakening", after 15 years of marriage, 10 years which were miserable. Her husband goes crazy again. Of course, she's painted as mental in court, not the man who had diagnosed ADD and never took his medicine. The man who drove drunk. Somehow after all this she finds a healthy relationship. Her kids were traumatized by her ex's aggression in the divorce. She's financially wrecked. She loses may friendships. Her ex-in laws hate her. I really appreciated that perspective on this one too. This all went down 15 years before the writing and she definitely had more perspective than other divorce memoirs I read. I'm proud of her ability to admit guilt where there is some, to point out things that were her fault, and to have really good perspective. I'm glad she published this book.

[jenna whitlow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rating: 3.5 stars
Format: Audiobook
Genre: Nonfiction, Memoir

Hamilton’s story is heart wrenching and made me feel absolutely SICK to my stomach at times. The abuse, self-gaslighting, and cruelty she suffered is horrible. I appreciate the insight that she provided in looking back on her life. You can get a real sense of the work that she has done to unlearn the harmful beliefs that made her feel stuck in her abusive marriage.

I don’t think you have to agree with everything someone does in order to enjoy a memoir, so I won’t go into a rant about monogamy and cheating - which are typically big turn offs for me. She displayed a lot of bravery by showing the ugly parts of her life in this way and how she deeply hurt others, even when she was in a horrific cycle of abuse with Rick.

My favorite parts were about the process of her divorce and her leaving and what taking back her agency and sense of self meant for her. Those felt like the strongest parts narratively, and they were the most impactful for me. I thought this was well written but the pacing felt off in some parts, especially towards the beginning.

The material in this book is heavy, so please check content warnings, which I have listed below.

CW: sexual abuse, sexual coercion, emotional abuse, physical abuse, domestic abuse, gaslighting, rape, harassment, cheating and infidelity, child abuse.

[Candice MacNeill · Rating 3 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️½

Mad Wife is a memoir centered around Kate’s marriage to her husband “Rick”. A relationship that gradually deteriorates and becomes entangled with infidelity, swinging, emotional turmoil, and abuse. The book explores the unraveling of their marriage and the lasting impact it has not only on Kate, but on their children as well.

While Rick is far from an innocent figure particularly in the way he treats his children. I often found myself struggling with Kate’s portrayal of events. At times, her behavior came across as narcissistic, and in some moments, I found her more difficult to empathize with than Rick himself. This made the reading experience more complicated.

This was also my first memoir, which may have contributed to how challenging it felt to read. Much of the book felt repetitive, with similar themes and conflicts resurfacing without much progression. As I got closer to the end, I realized I was less invested in how the story concluded and more eager simply to finish and move on to my next read. By the final two chapters, I found myself skimming rather than reading closely.

[Lisa Phillips · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a troubling book to read, but I have no regrets about reading it. Troubling is the entire point. How Kate Hamilton copes with her manipulative, abusive, narcissistic husband is not always heroic. She is not a "good victim." She is a furious, wounded victim, seeking agency, freedom, and the right to mother her two sons and keep them safe from their father's horrendousness. I found some of her coping strategies unsettling, but the author also makes plain that she herself wrestled mightily with her own reactions and desires. My sense is that the confusion is part of the point, asking readers to consider how they would deal with being married to--and then leaving--a creature as self-absorbed and abusive as Kate's husband.

This isn't a book for people who like easy answers and inspiration, or for people who like to divide the world into sinners and saints. Dismiss this story at your peril, though. What Kate went through is real, and this is happening all around us.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I expected this book to be a much more brutal read than it is. Hamilton is an excellent writer, although she does use “50 cent words.” (Peripatetic seems to be a favorite; I had to look it up and I still don’t fully understand.) The book is engaging enough that I binged it, even when I should have been doing other things. That said, the topic is emotionally challenging, even devastating at times. As she intends, I could see my own experiences and those of people I know, in her explanations. It’s impossible to summarize or even fully react because it’s so complicated and thought-provoking. And yet, it is recommended for those reasons, with the caveat that I think it’s a lot easier if the reader has an open and understanding mind and heart around some of the choices she made. One of the things I loved best, unsurprisingly, is that she can see - and presents - multiple sides of complicated issues and experiences, fully recognizing that her perspective is only one of many.

[Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

*Received as a Goodreads giveaway* Kate, whoever you are, I am proud of you! Abuse comes in many forms and I'm so deeply sorry you endured that for as long as you did. Thankful you recognized it and got out! Throughout the book, you were so downtrodden and oppressed by negative opinions and thoughts by Rick whom you were supposed to be able to trust. I just kept thinking of my sister and my mom during the course of your book and it just hit that much harder. Gut feelings of this is wrong should always be trusted, but it's so much harder when you don't have the support of friends or family. I'm so sorry your boys endured everything they did as well. You forgot for them and the Justice system failed you and your sons. Again, my nephews and their trauma just absolutely hurts. You spoke to me and I heard you. I am so sorry!

[Kim Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

For me this story brings up not only the problems of misogyny, patriarchy, male entitlement and abuse, but also how our culture sanctifies marriage and being coupled above so many other ethical issues. Even if it's not always the best situation for those in the family. Despite the fact that half or more marriages end in divorce, matrimony is still felt to be the ideal situation, and the fiction of a happy working marriage is kept up for appearances.
Most troubling to me is the fact that our justice system does not always bring justice in divorce and child custody matters, as it doesn't in many other matters.
It was shocking to me the lengths the author went to at her husband's request to help their sex life.
This is a well written book by an intelligent person and should be read by all women before entering into marriage.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks to the publisher and the author (a pseudonym) for this ARC (or it was when I received).

This is definitely not the type of book I would usually read but it showed up in my mail. I don't recall entering a contest or giveaway since it's not what I would normally read and it's definitely out of my comfort zone because of the subject matter. It’s her memoir.

It's a definitely eye-opening and raw, and very deep and personal, and not an easy read. I wasn't sure if I was going to get through this one for two reasons: one the content and two, the small print.

I'm totally wasted after reading this book and that's all I can say and even though the review is not detailed like others, it's emotionally draining to write more than this.

[Laura Willis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was sadly quite relatable for me. It mirrored my own unhappy marriage in many ways and made me want to write my own story down. It also reminded me I need to get back to therapy. ;)
She writes with such bravery and beautiful honesty. It’s not simply a scathing indictment of her ex husband but an honest look at the lengths we will go to as women to “make it work”. Even if we have to sacrifice our authentic selves until we don’t even recognize our own reflection in the mirror. A look at how the patriarchy has a chokehold on societal expectations of marriage and women and what it takes to break free and return to yourself. Just beautiful.

[Catherine Hultman · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have been in any relationship in which your needs, emotions, or feelings have been ignored…or worse…made to feel like you are “crazy” for expressing them, JUST READ THIS BOOK! Women are conditioned to be “nice” and the damage this does filters down to everything and everyone you love. Misogyny rules workplaces, courts, medical communities, and marriages and sometimes makes one feel and even appear crazy. Because it is so hard to decipher what is happening during periods of gaslighting, it is important to step outside yourself and speak about the confusion and also educate yourself in the ways of abusers. Our daughters, students, and fellow travelers deserve this.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have so many thoughts and feelings because this book is super hard to read and i cannot imagine how difficult it was to write. The author anonymously writes this memoir and the reader can understand why. I related to the author's truth about experiencing the patriarchy through abuse, power, gas lighting and misogyny in her marriage and the court system through the subsequent divorce. I had to stop and put this down often and also increase the speed of the audiobook through some difficult parts, but i did finish it.

[Rick Browne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't usually write reviews, but wanted to as it looked like all the other reviews were from women. As I read this, I thought a lot about my own behavior. Have I treated women as Kate was treated? If I am honest, I have, when I was younger. I was very self centered, even though I was very insecure. Probably because of it. But I was open to changing this when I realized what I was doing, that it wasn't acceptable, and that it hurt people (including me). This book helped me to make sense of some of my own experiences as a male. It is hard to read, but worth it.

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Several months ago I realized I was dreading the rest of my life. Something in me seemed to have changed direction a long time ago and with that slight directional change I was at a place that had no name. I realized how very tired I was. I don't remember when I became so tired. But everyone is tired. When did I stop being able to focus? I could no longer concentrate on reading a book without nodding off. The fatigue was so all-consuming, I dreaded showering. Showering meant committing to standing for 20 consecutive minutes. Everything was just. So. Hard.

I accepted this as my new normal. I wasn’t sick. My blood work looked good. I hit menopause. I was a healthy woman who, I guessed, was just getting older. I assumed this was just part of getting older. I muscled through every day with great difficulty and every day it became incrementally more difficult. But I’m tough. I kept slogging away.

In December I had a questionable mammogram. Within a few days I knew that I had breast cancer. I accepted my cancer diagnosis with the same ambivalent attitude as if I had a tooth cavity. I was just too tired to care. My surgeon cut out the cancer and sent me home. Within a few days, something in me corrected course and I began to feel incrementally better every day. My cancer is slow growing and has been growing in me for more than 2 years to get to stage 3 tumor. With the tumor gone I feel more clear headed, less fatigued and tired, and more able to finish books and thoughts. The place that had no name that I accepted as normal actually had a name; breast cancer. It was very sneaky, invading my body one cell at a time, sapping me of the essential elements that make me who I am. I was battling something I could not see and did not know existed and, until I did it would consume me.

What does my cancer have to do with this book? Just about everything. This is peripherally a story about the author’s marriage, divorce, and custody battle. This is but the theme. What the author is truly illustrating is the acceptable norms of misogynistic societal abuse of women and children. To clarify, this is not a revenge book. The author published under a pseudonym to protect the innocent. She establishes at the outset that she is not innocent and considered using her real name. The story is one I’ve heard time and time again (minus the swinging). She spent much of her marriage feeling like somewhere along the way her marriage life course altered just a degree or two. By the time the marriage ended she was not in the place she wanted to be. The overarching message so well articulated in the court days regarding custody. The game is rigged. Every facet of it. It begins with her telling him no regarding sex. He cajoled, shamed, pulled the wife duty card, etc. until she gave in and then she felt violated. Is this consent?

He decided they should try swinging. He had specific rules for her behavior. In essence, he was prostituting her out. She chose to escape through 3 consecutive affairs. I took issue with this moment in her life, but she doesn’t claim to be innocent. I think she missed an essential element that contributes to her narrative. One of her affairs was with a man whose wife didn’t appreciate his poetry or some other artistic outlet. It was a justification he used to have the affair. When his wife found out she made him break off contact. The author took umbrage. I don’t subscribe to Esther Perel and her school of thought, but my belief is that affairs are abusive to the unknowing spouse. Secrets kept, parts withdrawn from the spouse and given to another, demonizing the spouse behind their back, and engaging in behaviors that harm the spouse; it spills into the marital relationship. What this man was doing was abusive to his wife.

Overall, the author gives an articulate and well illustrated argument to examine societal norms. We celebrate gender equity and equality in marriage yet that’s not really what we get. Anybody who has any exposure to family court knows that the system is rigged to harm women and children. Documented abusive men are still granted access to the abused children and ex wife. Even sexual abuse. Judges are often misogynistic. Truth and child welfare don’t stand a chance when held opposite “parental alienation,” which is the catch all phrase that perpetuates the abuse.

I wonder if married with children women were to honestly assess if they feel valued for the unique personhood, respected in the workplace for their own accomplishments and competence, equal in duties at home and with kids, would they feel like they are in a place that has no name? Knowing something is wrong but unable to put a finger on it because society has accepted it as the norm? Excusing one little misogynistic behavior and providing justification to keep the peace ignores the fact that it’s systemic. It impacts every facet.

My cancer was localized to one breast and one lymph node for a total of 6cm. It’s tiny. What if I ignored it? What if I accepted it as just part of who I am? My entire body reacted by getting sicker and sicker with something unnamed. It’s systemic and connected. As are the norms and mores we have accepted in a patriarchal society.

Disclaimer: I have been a denier of living in a patriarchal society. This book guided me to face my denial. My cancer helped me to understand that denial doesn’t negate the truth. Read it and sit with it for a few days. I can’t unsee it.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I deeply enjoy a self-aware confessional memoir in which the memoirist grapples with the wrongs they committed, while acknowledging the ways in which they'd been hurt and wronged.

This is a gripping account of the ways that patriarchy and social pressures encourage people to contort themselves into ugly versions of themselves to maintain the status quo, and the disastrous results that can arise from waiting too long to pursue a different path.

[C · Rating 4 out of 5]

Intensely compelling but also couldn't fucking sleep while reading this. Horrifying in all these tiny creeping ways. Just feel bereft thinking how many women need to hear stories like this and haven't or won't. The world feels fucking bleak reading this in the context of Trump etc. Seriously need to read something light and cheery after this

[Rhonda Lomazow · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the opening scene in this memoir we are introduced to the authors out of control mentality &physically abusive husband.This is such a harrowing story of a marriage gone worn and the author who finally escaped and reclaimed her life.An important book a-book that will make you think and be amazed at the authors out of strength.

[Sydney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve never read a book like it. The courage and bravery to write such a vulnerable story is something that makes this book standout. I had to read it in bursts because it’s a lot to hold all at once. Most people don’t show you every messy part — but she does because her whole story is crucial. I hope and believe it will help many people out of abusive relationships❤️

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tremendously courageous and a difficult read (I needed to take a couple of breaks). Like Nicola Gavey’s classic “just sex?” this author offers a more personal and equally important contemporary argument about the blurred lines between heterosex and coerced or forced sex. Regardless of labels applied, this author shows, such experiences harm relationships and selves.