“The best memoirs reveal the worlds of others and help you reflect on your own. This one does just that.”
—PEOPLE MAGAZINE, BEST BOOKS
“Stay is so rich, wise, funny, and beautifully written. It’s hard to put down once you start.” —ANNE LAMOTT, #1 New York Times bestselling author
FEATURED ON FAMILY SECRETS PODCAST WITH DANI SHAPIRO
NAMED ONE OF ZIBBY OWENS'S TOP 22 BOOKS OF THE YEAR
"Fingersh's story should help readers dealing with family secrets and mental and physical health issues feel less alone.” —Booklist
Stay: A Story of Family, Love, and Other Traumas is a riveting debut that captures the joyous and painful complexity of family love and loyalty, the cost of family secrets, and the quest to help the people we love most without losing our own way.
It’s also a rare window into two of the biggest epidemics gripping society today: mental illness and chronic illness and the ways in which they affect relationships, personal identity, and the blueprint of our lives.
Told through the eyes of the author as both a young sibling and a mid-life parent, Julie Fingersh seamlessly weaves together present and past, unlocking the puzzle of her early adulthood with her struggling brother from the vantage point of a mid-life parent on the verge of an empty nest and her next chapter, just as her college-bound daughter’s life suddenly careens off track.
Sparkling with warmth, wit, and lyrical prose, Fingersh provides insight and sustenance for everyone wrestling with mid-life’s ghosts, parenting adult children, and the twin pillagers of fear and the inner critic. Above all, Stay is for readers who want to think, feel, laugh, cry, and perhaps see their own life’s trajectory and path forward with new eyes.
Julie Fingersh is a writer, freelance journalist and the author of Stay: A Story of Family, Love & Other Traumas, to be released October 15, 2024 by Rowman & Littlefield. Her personal essays, editorials, and articles cover culture, wellness, parenting adult children, cooking, and how to lead a more sane and meaningful life have appeared in the New York Times, Oprah Magazine, The San Francisco Chronicle, Huffington Post, Miami Herald, Kansas City Star, Businessweek, Grown and Flown, and more. Her Substack newsletter, Take my Advice. I’m Not Using It, is a midlife sequel of an award-winning humorist column she wrote in her twenties for Billboard Publications, Inc. in New York City. Julie earned a B.A. in English literature Swarthmore College and University of Michigan. A Kansas City native, she has two adult children and lives with her husband in Marin County, California. Stay is her first book. Read more about Julie and her work at juliefingershauthor.com
This may be my favorite book I’ve read this year, and I’m not just saying that because I personally know the author. Fingersh has written a brilliant, beautiful book about grief, the ripple effects of a family member’s mental illness, and the emotional toll of loving and caring for others who are struggling with chronic illness (both mental and physical) without losing yourself along the way.
Stay weaves together three seemingly disparate threads: 1) the story of Fingersh’s younger brother Danny, who lived with debilitating, undiagnosed mental illness and tragically died at the age of 26; 2) years later, her daughter’s diagnosis of ulcerative colitis while a freshman in college; and 3) Fingersh’s own turmoil of turning 50 without having accomplished her lifelong goal of becoming a successful writer. While at first it may seem like these threads are only loosely connected, I was equally invested in all of them, and Fingersh's beautiful writing kept me turning the pages. Eventually, everything coalesces perfectly. Through it all, Fingersh writes with humor, wisdom, and an abundance of love — for everyone around her, and finally, for herself.
Stay is for anyone who has loved someone with mental illness, anyone in midlife grappling with feelings of failure, anyone who enjoys memoirs with a powerful emotional core, and creatives who are living with untapped potential or struggle to give themselves permission to follow their own dreams amidst the relentless and sometimes excruciating demands of life.
Stay is the appropriate title for this book that will "stay" with me for a long, long time. Reading this book was like curling up with a good friend and laughing and crying together as she tells you her story. Fingersh invites us in to what life really is- messy, painful, joyous, agonizing and funny. Fingersh is able to cover difficult and powerful topics like grief, physical and mental illness, parenting and the cost of secrets while also showing us the power of love and community to heal and gain wisdom. Fingersh's authentic voice and beautiful writing made this a book I could not put down. I can't wait for her next book.
I’m a sucker for a well-written memoir. Ones where vulnerability and authenticity drive stories of perseverance and resilience. Ones that uncover truths, foster reflection, and display real growth.
All of that is present in Stay: A Story of Family, Love, & Other Traumas by Julie Fingersh, who I had the pleasure of meeting and getting a glimpse of her story at this year’s Tucson Festival of Books.
Stay chronicles three significant timelines in Finersh’s life: her brother Danny’s life with mental illness and his tragic and untimely passing at 26 in 1996; her turning 50 and attempting to define her next chapter; and launching her daughter Jesse to begin a bright future at Northwestern.
Managing her midlife transition takes a hard left when Finersh and her husband learn that Jesse, who is thousands of miles away, is dealing with debilitating pain with symptoms are very concerning to her family—but that Jesse wants to manage on her own as an independent young adult.
How do we help those that we love the most? Where should the boundary lines be drawn? How can we support our loved ones without losing ourselves?
Stay tackles these challenging questions in a raw, real, and accessible way. While Finersh and her family had access to some of the best resources, we are reminded that mental illness and chronic illness do not discriminate. Stay reads like a conversation with a close friend. Someone you can let your guard down with, someone that you can laugh and cry with.
Stay is one of those books you read quickly but think about long after you turn the last page. The author’s voice is so authentic, you feel like you’ve been in deep conversation with a dear friend who’s sharing her most personal and vulnerable parts and questions—while exposing you to your own.
The writing between past and present is seamless, and Figersh’s brilliant humor made the tough bits more bearable. I laughed and cried (for her, for me!) throughout as she unapologetically navigated her midlife angst, half-empty nest, daughter’s sudden and devastating illness, and unresolved trauma from losing her little brother—all as she turned 50. If you’re a middle-aged woman, a daughter, a mother, or someone coming to terms with forgotten dreams and decisions you’ve made along the way, this book needs to be in your hands.
Through incredible presence, humor, therapy, horse healing, and a bedazzled psychic, Fingersh gifts us with a hopeful ending to her memoir and a radiant beginning to a new phase of her life… which we’re literally holding in our hands. She reclaimed her forgotten writer self and delivered her through this book. Holy inspiration!
I couldn’t stop listening to this (true) story, told beautifully and painstakingly with so much love by a sister, a mother.
Lots of food for thought for those of us fretting over the small stuff, struggling with balancing motherhood with who we were or thought we’d be, and more. I also recognize the closeness between some parents and their children that to me feels like too much…a codependency, helicopterish situation that I didn’t have or want. But am I doing it now? Hard to tell.
My earliest memory of the author Julie Fingersh, is when our congregation was bringing home-cooked food to a winter meal for Marin County's unhoused. Julie brought six briskets, if I remember correctly. That is more brisket than I've ever cooked in my life. She is a warm and giving human, and the gifts she gives us readers in her debut book are nourishing, healing, and similarly, unforgettable as the gifts she has given our community.
I had high expectations for Stay, knowing Julie, but she absolutely exceeded all what I thought her story of "family, love, and other traumas" would include.
There are so many passages that resonated for me, but none so much as the ones about grief. "You'd think we would all be good at grief, considering how much of it there is in life. You'd think we'd be able to give and receive comfort as a matter of fact, instinctively. But no. We are alone in it; it is a grim and relentless slog."
"There are lots of pats and pitiful glances, lots of 'oh I'm so sorry for your loss'. And then there's the particularly unfortunate aspect of the project, in which we, the grieving, are forced to nod gratefully at tone deaf advice, listen empathetically about how our loss reminds people of their losses, and try not to wince at incessant platitudes like 'he's in a better place'."
Stay will Stay with me. And I usually give/donate my books when done, but not this one. Keeping it for re-reading. It's worthy of a forever spot on my bookshelf; it's that kind of book. Thank you and congratulations Julie on this wonderful labor of love that you have brought into our worlds.
I've begun to recommend this memoir to so many people person-to-person, I think it's time to post this publicly. It's so much more than the sum of its parts. It speaks to so many more readers, I think, that the obvious proverbial target market. In STAY Julie Fingersh presents a beautiful braided narrative with exquisite prose and insight into so many aspects of parenting and sistering and being an adult child of caring/complicated people, mental illness, chronic illness, and dread of writing one's truth... not to mention publishing it. The transfer from one topic to another is adept and powerful.
I'd seen an interview with Julie and her daughter before I read the book, so I knew a little about their relationship and the story of Julie's daughter's diagnosis with ulcerative colitis. I didn't know much else about what to expect in the book, but I was grateful for the heads up there -- and pleased to see how grounded their relationship is and how much Julie's whole family seems to support her and her writing. These are not easy lines to write -- I imagine -- but there is so much value, and healing, in reading the wisdom and bravery recorded here. I have returned many times to the Hebrew concept of Ma'ayan Hadama that I learned about in STAY. Even as we yearn for beloved people to stay in our lives, to stay healthy, to stay here, we also need to seek our source, the deep rushing spring running below the earth that feeds our souls and nurtures our creativity. Stay. And also, rush... run... flow. Find it. Tap it. Keep at it. I'm grateful that Julie Fingersh was able to do exactly this in writing STAY. A blessing for everyone who reads it.
So many reviewers of books claim the story was so riveting, they read it in one sitting. That praise has often struck me as a bit overblown, but in the case of Julie Fingersh’s Stay, it’s true. From the first to last page, this memoir reads like a novel to me in all the best ways. It’s beautifully written, soulful, and stunningly relatable. Sharing her personal traumas with brave honesty and keen insight, the author brings clarity to your own. Anyone searching for companionship while navigating life’s twists and turns will love this book and keep it close by long after the first read.
My interest in this book was motivated by a close friend's review, as well as the fact that growing up in the Jewish Community in KC i know some members of the author's family. That said, i did not know the story and what really resonated was the author's prose and honesty about coming to terms with family history, raising children to adulthood and moving on to the next stage of life. The author's stories are deeply personal, yet the lessons, and the experiences, are universal in many respsects. Definitely recommend
Julie‘s writing and storytelling captures you from the very first page. You won’t be able to put it down. Whether your life has parallelsto Julie‘s life, you will find deep messages and life lessons that will make you laugh and make you cry.
What a moving memoir … the author candidly talks about her brother’s mental illness, her daughter’s life-threatening chronic illness, her own eating disorder plus her feelings of envy and struggles with writer’s block. While this sounds like a downer, Fingerish writes so well - and I listened to the audiobook, which she narrates wonderfully — that there’s humor, compassion and “realness” throughout. I picked up this book on a whim and wasn’t sure how I felt about it at first. It was a slow burn that ended up making a real impact. Weeks after finishing, I’m still thinking about certain passages and ideas raised.
I won’t be rating this because it’s a memoir, but I loved it. Even though I have not lost a sibling, I can sympathize with the loss as I have gone through so much loss. I also enjoyed her perspective as a mother with a child who has a chronic illness, because it made me learn so much about how kids are as they get older and independent (as I prepare for my kids to get older), so I have learned so much from Julie and truly appreciate her telling her story.
Heartfelt, true, account of the difficulties of caring for family members with mental illness and severe physical illness and the way it shapes your identity, life, and relationships.
The love of someone lost and addressing chronic illness of your child.. Julie tells her story and this is what is in my head...STAY without me blocking me. STAY and let me incorporate your love, your struggles. STAY within my life, and I can learn that I deserve to live fully with you inside me. STAY and I must know that I can't solve it all, but I can love and live deeply. What a read!
I loved reading this book. It was warm and loving, and Julie opened her heart to everyone, and it was said in the most loving, beautiful way an author could write.
I highly recommend this book for many reasons. It is well written it touches your heart like no other book has touched my heart, the feeling of knowing the author after finishing the book and loving her for everything that she is says a lot..
With a masterful use of language the author creates a portal to the interior of a life so easily judged from the outside as perfect. This memoir pulls you into a place of empathy and admiration for the writer in this setting. All while leaving room for the reader to question the writer's actions at times, with room for the reader to wonder how they would solve the monumental questions brought out in the book without a lifetime of regret.
In 2025 I have challenged myself to read books I traditionally would not. And I chose Stay because it was on the "Today" show booklist. This is the author's memoir sharing her family's experience with mental health issues and then her (my term) midlife crisis as she hits her 50th birthday and the approaching departure of her oldest child for college. Let me approach these separately. As someone who grew up in a family with severe mental health issues, unfortunately society is not equipped to accept the issues as "normal", as chemical imbalances that can and should be treated, but instead, society tends to hide them behind the walls of institutions, inside homes within the families, without the support that mainstream illnesses receive. The author and her family experienced this with great sadness and much regret.
During her 50th year, the author asks, "What is the Meaning of Life?" She starts the year on a quest to find out who she will become next and finds someone totally unexpected. What happens when a "Stay at Home Mom" is no longer that person, or is she still that person in some capacity? What happened to her dreams that she had before she brought her full focus onto her family? Are they still there? Can she dust off her ambition, creativity and find it again? Is there room in her life for this?
To those who choose a career, and a family, and continue to follow your ambitions while your children grow, kudos to you. You make it work! To those of you who make the choice to stay at home and nurture your children from the frontlines, putting your ambitions on hold, I applaud you! May your ambitions be there when you are ready, because I know your family will be there cheering you on!
A homage to stay at home mothers, you are the backbone.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
What a great memoir to read! It is profound and so well-written. The powers of love and joy are endless. Those 234 pages brought tears to my eyes a couple of times.
Hoo boy, I would give this book 6 stars if I could. There is so much in this book that is profoundly meaningful on so many topics. A family member with mental illness, suicide & death, grief, navigating an empty nest, loving someone with a severe chronic illness. It’s at once easy to read and also gut wrenching. I took a walk & cried when I was finished. Here’s the quote I personally needed: “our birthright is this: we are entitled to our own lives. No matter what happens to those we love, we are entitled. When the people we love struggle, we can love them, and we can try our best to help them. But we cannot save them.” This is a must read.
As a mother of a daughter heading to college in the fall As a person who has family members who have dealt with mental health illness As a woman in her 50s who constantly asks (at least in her mind) "What does this all mean?" Thank you, Julie Fingersh, for sharing your story - Danny's and Jesse's stories - with us. Powerful, blunt, heartfelt. This memoir spoke to me in so many ways. One takeaway: the Committee - so spot on! Doesn't everyone have one in their head??? The biggest moment: that we can struggle, we can love, we can help but we cannot save another person. That we have to work on saving ourselves. Thank you.
Stay was one of the most powerful memoirs I have ever read. Stay had me both laughing and crying at the same time. This was a book that I couldn't put down, and then when I came to the last few chapters, I didn't want to finish it because I didn't want it to end. So I started it all over again!
Julie teaches us about life, love, family, and, most importantly, personal growth. This book deserves all the excellent reviews it is receiving. It is a book that will help us through the Book of Life.