What Is Compersion?: Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships

by Marie Thouin, Jessica Fern (foreword)

What is compersion? Is it the “opposite” of jealousy, as it is usually believed? Is it an emotion or a behavior? What causes it to arise and bloom? Can we “learn” compersion or invite more of it into our lives?

Based on her seminal research with consensually non-monogamous (CNM) individuals, Dr. Marie Thouin unravels these questions and more in the first-ever book to offer a comprehensive model of compersion and a practical road map to cultivating it. Each chapter features compelling stories from real CNM people, making this a captivating and highly applicable read. In addition, Thouin addresses the broader social context, explaining how understanding compersion is a groundbreaking step toward a world that supports relational diversity and freedom. By disrupting the idea that jealousy is the only valid response to intimacy beyond monogamy, the existence and practice of compersion builds the foundation for a completely new paradigm of loving relationships. This book and its conclusions have profound implications for many fields of study and practice including psychology, sexuality studies, philosophy and ethics, and law. Indispensable for CNM individuals, therapists, counselors, and scholars, this book is also invaluable for anyone curious to learn about positive empathy, intentional relationships, and radical love.

Advance

Dr. Marie Thouin’s not just a researcher, she's a philosopher. In her remarkable new book, What Is Compersion?, Thouin unlocks the transformative potential of the simple act of noticing how the joy you can receive from your partner’s delight can empower you in so many ways, serving to disempower jealousy and territoriality. Thouin’s research demonstrates how the world could look from the point of view of compersion, and how taking joy in your partner’s (or friend’s or relations of any kind’s) happiness can bring joy to you in all of your relationships.

If you are a seeker of sexual freedom and clean love, as I hope you are, for heaven’s sake read this book. And then go shine the light of compersion on your lovers, friends, family, and everyone you care about.


— Dossie Easton, LMFT, coauthor with Janet W. Hardy of The Ethical Slut


Who knew compersion comprised an entire universe? This book is absolutely riveting! I just kept turning the page because I could not wait to find out what Marie Thouin was going to say next about compersion! I promise you that you will be up all night reading all 278 pages of this fantastic book, as you will not be able to put it down! This is truly the complete story and covers everything you ever wanted to know about compersion, plus a lot more knowledge that you didn't even realize you absolutely needed.


— Kathy Labriola, counselor, nurse, author of Polyamorous Aging in Open Relationships


Drawing from solid research, Thouin breaks down the nuts and bolts of how compersion actually works—the mindset, context, and special sauce that facilitate this often misunderstood concept. Whether you're non-monogamous yourself, a professional helping clients, or just a curious human, this book is an essential look at the potential of our hearts to share in each other's joy. Thouin's work pushes us to explore uncharted territory in how we experience intimacy and connection.


— Dedeker Winston, author of Essential Tools for Modern Relationships and The Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory


Marie Thouin has been at the vanguard of compersion research for a decade, and her book is destined to become a classic. What Is Compersion? boldly and compassionately presents both the first evidence-based model of compersion and a plethora of practical tools to cultivate this jealousy-transforming positive emotion in everyday life. Regardless of whether you lean toward monogamy or polyamory (or somewhere in-between), this groundbreaking book will assist you to achieve freer and more-fulfilling intimate relationships—and to open your heart beyond what both culture and history have considered possible.


— Jorge N. Ferrer, PhD, author of Love and Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory


Marie Thouin offers a deep and compelling dive into compersion as it is understood and experienced by people in consensually non-monogamous relationships. The voices of her research participants come through loud and clear, and Thouin handles their experiences with nuance, clarity, and empathy. There is much about all relationships, not just consensually non-monogamous ones, to glean from this important book. Whether you are currently practicing consensual non-monogamy, curious about consensual non-monogamy, or want to bring positive empathy to your monogamous relationship, this book is a must-read.


— Mimi Schippers, Tulane University; author of Polyamory, Monogamy, and American Dreams and Beyond Polamory and the Future of Polyqueer Sexualities


One of the most difficult aspects of approaching consensual non-mono...

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Polyamory, Nonfiction, Sexuality, Personal Development

305 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 10, 2024

About the author

Marie Thouin, PhD is the author of "What is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships," the first-ever comprehensive scholarly book on compersion. She has been featured in several publications and podcasts, including ELLE, the Savage Lovecast, The Times of London, and HuffPost. Marie has also published seminal research studies, the first encyclopedia entry on compersion, and is the creator of www.WhatIsCompersion.com, a popular website that features her research, blogs, and resources on the topic of compersion. She is the Founder of Love InSight, a Mindful Dating & Relationship Coaching practice where she supports and guides people of all backgrounds and relational orientations to create intentional and vibrant love lives.

Reviews

[Gavin Knittle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an affirming read! The last chapter could probably be expanded into three more books.
Really grateful for this book.

[Anthony Flowers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely phenomenal work on this critical, community-relevant topic.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

"What Is Compersion?: Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships" by Marie Thouin and Jessica Fern is a transformative read that dives deep into the often misunderstood concept of compersion—experiencing joy from seeing a partner's happiness with others. This book serves as a beacon of understanding and acceptance in the realm of consensually non-monogamous relationships.

The authors expertly blend personal anecdotes, research, and psychological insights, making complex ideas accessible to readers of all backgrounds. Their compassionate approach fosters a sense of inclusivity, encouraging both seasoned practitioners and newcomers to explore the nuances of non-monogamous dynamics. The discussions on emotional intelligence, communication, and the cultivation of empathy are invaluable, providing practical tools for navigating relationships with grace and understanding.

One of the standout features of this book is its emphasis on positive empathy. Thouin and Fern challenge conventional notions of jealousy and possessiveness, inviting readers to embrace the beauty of shared joy. Their writing is engaging and thought-provoking, prompting readers to reflect on their own relationship beliefs and values.

Overall, "What Is Compersion?" is not just a guide for those in non-monogamous arrangements; it is a celebration of love in all its forms. It empowers readers to rethink traditional frameworks of relationships and encourages a more expansive view of love and connection. This book is a must-read for anyone seeking to enrich their understanding of relationships, empathy, and the various ways we can love one another. Highly recommended!

[Kathy Labriola · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dear Marie Thouin,
I have to tell you how much I LOVE LOVE your amazing book! Now that I have had a chance to read it slowly and get the full benefit of your brilliant thinking, fantastic and exhaustive research, and all the wisdom and experience of your participants in your studies, who each had a great story to tell and every one of them had important "nuggets" of hard-won personal growth to share, all of which is immediately actionable and useful to anyone reading the book. Sorry for the run-on sentences but I just can't praise the book enough. I would certainly suggest that anyone read it over at least a few times because they will glean MORE knowledge and more tools on the second or third reading!

Your book goes WAY beyond compersion to create a fundamental scholarly text laying out everything about CNM relationships, the why, the how, the obstacles to success and the path forward to overcome the hardest pitfalls and create healthy, happy, poly relationships. I think you may not have grasped the full scope of your achievement, and it may not mean much coming from me since I have no academic credentials. However, I know brilliant and ground-breaking theory when I see it, and I hope you are aware of the depth and breadth of what you have done in this book!

[Mel Cassidy · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is a thoroughly researched, and thoughtfully presented piece of writing that takes a deep dive into the history, experiences, and possibilities of Compersion.

Immediately, Thouin centers the exploration of Compersion through a lens of un-learning mono-normativity and addresses the ways related to jealousy through a monogamous lense. The structure of the book is easy to follow and the writing flows easily, balancing academia with experiences.
I appreciated all the anecdotes & shares from her research participants.

In the middle of the book is a chart for The Compersion Roadmap, highlighting the factors that support and hinder experiences of Compersion: I think everyone doing non-monogamy needs to have a copy of this on their fridge. It’s a succinct overview and I’ve already found myself referencing it while unpacking some of my own recent experiences.

[Jorge Ferrer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marie has been at the vanguard of compersion research for a decade, and her book is destined to become a classic. The author boldly and compassionately presents both the first evidence-based model of compersion and a plethora of practical tools to cultivate this jealousy-transforming positive emotion in everyday life. Combining a highly engaging writing style with testimonials and cutting-edge conceptual proposals, Marie takes us a long way toward the more empathic civilization our world so badly needs in our times. Regardless of whether you lean toward monogamy or polyamory (or somewhere in-between), this groundbreaking book will assist you to achieve freer and more fulfilling intimate relationships—and to open your heart beyond what both culture and history have considered possible.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a very useful and engaging read for people who are in consensually non-monogamous relationships AND monogamous relationships, where you're dealing with issues of jealousy or just want to expand your understanding of a dimension of relational health. The research and insight in this book provide a portal into a different way of viewing ourselves and our partners and how we hold each other in getting our needs met. It's a refreshing departure from our learned social-cultural views of relationships--one that can aid couples in creating more satisfaction and sustainability. Also an essential read for therapists and coaches who work with couples that want to provide a comprehensive understanding of jealousy and compersion as it relates to relationship dynamics. Highly recommend!

[Rob Sidon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Marie Thouin is a compelling young author who best explains "what is compersion?", a premise that more will likely embrace as society becomes self aware. Marie skilfully explores how jealousy, which is part of our human reflex - and conditioning - can be corrosive to conscious relationships. Compersion, the joy we receive from another's joy, may prove to be a valuable practice for modern partnerships, if only as an antidote to painful jealousy. This book is not for everyone but for those who are open to courageously expanding their horizons, Thouin's innovative first book will proveb to a treasured guide.
- Rob Sidon, Common Ground Magazine

[Mar-Y-Sol Salinas-McCoy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, wow, wow!!! I'd heard about Dr. Thouin's groundbreaking research a few years ago and was eagerly awaiting when it would be shared more broadly with the world. This book does not disappoint! Learning about compersion (in all types of relationships) really shines a light on how we can live authentically and with integrity while experiencing positive empathy for those in our relational circles. A great read for anyone interested in learning more about diverse relationship styles or for the helpers in the world who support others in navigating relationships.

💖🌻🦋
Mar-y-Sol Salinas-McCoy
Transpersonal Life Coach & Consultant

[Mat Weddle]

I have been following Marie's work for years and have been looking forward to this book! What I love about Marie's work is that it gives me permission to explore and own whatever style I want my relationships to be. Even as I find myself drawn to be in a more traditional monogamous relationship, understanding more about compersion has been so beneficial in improving my connection and communication with my partner. That her expertise comes from research and also real life experience helping people navigate their own relationships shines through in Marie's writing. I've already gifted this book to two of my friends and anticipate there being several more to come!

[Molly Reagh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is such a well-researched explanation of how we can be more supportive, kind, and loving partners in all of our relationships, not just non-monogamous ones. Helping us better understand compersion (empathic joy), Marie Thouin clearly and accessibly shares her years-long research on a topic near and dear to those of us in the non-monogamous community. Her unshaming and pragmatic view makes this critical reading for anyone trying to make their relationships more loving and joyful. This truly is a must-read!

[Fredrick Zal · Rating 5 out of 5]

"What Is Compersion" has helped me to slow down, take a breath, recognize the joy in my life, that my joy does not need to be another's; and that witnessing another dance in their joy is pure bliss, whether their joy would move me similarly or not.

Thank you for this insightful book Marie Thouin!

[Jennifer Dukes · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this book was great. It had hints of The Ethical Slut. The stories and definitions backed by research helped open my mind to possibilities in relationships. I highly recommend this book for everyone. I also recommend that therapists read it as a way to be able to talk to clients in new language.

[Jenni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very meaty and academic book on what compersion is, the factors that inhibit it, and what can be done to encourage it. Took me awhile to get through it because even with the stories, it's really more academic than self-help in it's tone. I felt it repeated itself a lot. Still was good for taking a look at ways to encourage feelings of compersion, but also not hold myself to needing to feel them.

[Nicole Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

We are so lucky to have Marie’s work. She is providing language and insight into the powerful experience that is compersion. This is a must read for all of my clients who are exploring non-monogamy.

-Nicole Thompson, M.A.
Psychotherapist and Host of Modern Anarchy Podcast

[Sean P · Rating 5 out of 5]

Without question THE authority on compersion. I am buying several copies to share with fellow CNM travelers. Thank you Marie!

[DAVID BIVONA · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book, well researched clearly written. A must for everyone that wants to deepen their understanding about relationships.

[Chia-Ying Chou · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has a very helpful view about compersion. I like the how the author makes this not just a concept but also a practical thing to apply in one’s relationships.

[Traian Stancescu · Rating 5 out of 5]

6 stars out of 5. Love it. Not the first book on the topic one should pick up, I think it does need some background in terms of both experience and knowledge to appreciate. But this read was incredible.

I enjoy the scientific rigor of both the language of the book, and underlying research. And I like how it deconstructs the compersion term in multiple layers, how it manifests, and details about how various factors enhance of inhibit it.

Every chapter is better than the last one. The last two chapters on community, pride and identity within society are mindblowing. By the time I reached the parting words in the last chapter, I felt completely drawn in.

This started as a phd project but it’s so much more than that. It’s a masterpiece