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In Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, psychology professor John Gottman explores the emotional relationship between parents and children. It's not enough to simply reject an authoritarian model of parenting, Gottman says. A parent needs to be concerned with the quality of emotional interactions. Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, and coauthor Joan Declaire focus first on the parent (a "know thyself" approach), and provide a series of exercises to assess parenting styles and emotional self-awareness. The authors identify a five-step "emotion coaching" process to help teach children how to recognize and address their feelings, which includes becoming aware of the child's emotions; recognizing that dealing with these emotions is an opportunity for intimacy; listening empathetically; helping the child label emotions; setting limits; and problem-solving. Chapters on divorce, fathering, and age-based differences in emotional development help make Gottman's teachings detailed and useful. --Ericka Lutz
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First published January 1, 1997
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About the author
John M. Gottman
95 books2,084 followersDr. Gottman was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child — among many others. Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, Reader’s Digest, and Psychology Today.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
Co-founder of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John was also the Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute. He is Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, where he founded “The Love Lab” at which much of his research on couples’ interactions was conducted.
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January 19, 2013
John Gottman should feel sad for two reasons: (1) he buries astute analysis and fabulously practical advice (of which he is rightfully proud) inside a tomb of, frankly, boring writing and poor organization, and (2) he writes for a cripplingly heterogeneous audience. For a mother who already embraces her own emotions and honors them in her children, reading “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” feels like a socialite perusing a manual of polite social interaction written for the autistic. I wasted time and effort slogging through dry material justifying parental emotion-coaching when the boon of Gottman’s significant work and expertise can be summarized in a few pages (just watch me); at the same time, I recognize the need to teach others to swim before instructing them in the niceties of a butterfly kick. Color me frustrated.
Gottman’s division of parents into four types helps to clarify my chief complaint: the “dismissing parent” minimizes emotion and employs distraction, the “disapproving parent” negates and belittles emotion, the “laissez-faire parent” acknowledges emotion but doesn’t guide children to resolution, and the “emotion coach” values children’s emotions, “us[ing] emotional moments as a time to listen to the child, empathize with soothing words and affection, help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling, offer guidance on regulating emotions, set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions, [and] teach problem-solving skills.” Though we all have our moments in each camp, readers are predisposed to be most like one of the four types.
Since dismissing and disapproving parents need the “why” behind emotion coaching Gottman starts out by explaining that children of emotion coaches unsurprisingly end up with “more general abilities in the area of their own emotions . . . includ[ing] being able to regulate their own emotional states” (i.e., moderating their reactions and soothing themselves when upset, even physically calming down their hearts faster). More interestingly, his research shows that these kids also “had fewer infectious illnesses[,] . . . were better at focusing attention[,] . . . related better to other people[,] . . . were better at understanding people[, and] . . . were also better at situations in school that required academic performance.” In order to explain this link between “parents’ responsiveness and children’s emotional intelligence,” Gottman theorizes that “[w]ith adults constantly invalidating her feelings, [a child begins to accept the adult’s estimation of the event, learns to doubt her own judgment, and] loses confidence in herself.” On an even more visceral level, he explains, “[b]abies whose emotional needs are neglected . . . don’t get the chance to learn th[at it is possible to go from feelings of intense distress, anger, and fear, to feelings of comfort and recovery]. When they cry out of fear, sadness, or anger, they experience only more fear, more sadness, and more anger. . . . [T]hey experience negative emotion as a black hole of anxiety and fear.” Okay, so “no thanks” to the black hole of anxiety and fear.
Now that he has dismissing and disapproving parents on board (and laissez-faire and emotion coaching parents bored), Gottman sets about explaining how a parent switches styles: analyzing and altering her approach to her own emotions. Don’t worry, he reassures, “[f]or most . . . becoming emotionally aware is not a matter of picking up new skills; it is a matter of granting themselves permission to experience what’s already there,” and fear not, “people can be emotionally aware . . . without being highly expressive.” Finally, we get to “the five key steps for emotion coaching . . . : (1) being aware of the child’s emotion; (2) recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching; (3) listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings; (4) helping the child verbally label emotions [in order to “transform an amorphous, scary, uncomfortable feeling into something definable, something that has boundaries and is a normal part of everyday life”]; and (5) setting limits while helping the child problem-solve.” All the while making sure the child “understand[s] that . . . [a]ll feelings and all wishes are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.”
A chapter packed with helpful strategies follows. For example, I’ve long wondered whether I show too much emotion when dealing with my little ones, especially after reading the “Parenting with Love & Logic” admonition to never let your kids see you sweat. Gottman confirmed my maternal impulse that parents ought to model emotional intelligence, displaying emotions like anger and showing their children that “[s]trong feelings can be expressed and managed” (with the added benefit of showing that you care). Gottman’s other suggestions include: (1) “acknowledge low levels of emotion early on before they escalate”; (2) since “children - like all people - have reasons for their emotions, whether they can articulate them or not,” if you find your child “getting angry or upset over an issue that seems inconsequential, it may help to step back and look at the big picture of what’s going on in their lives”; (3) don’t joke or use discipline playing on children’s fear of abandonment; (4) “sharing simple observations usually works better than probing questions to get a conversation rolling”; (5) “avoid questions to which you already know the answer”; (6) “keep in mind that children also learn from their mistakes [and if] your child seems to be veering toward an idea that you know is unworkable but harmless, you may want to let her try it anyway”; (7) “avoid ‘siding with the enemy’”; and (8) “fantasy play . . . [has] utility in helping kids cope with a multitude of anxieties likely to peak in early childhood” such as fear of powerlessness, abandonment, the dark, bad dreams, parental conflict, and death. Lastly, my favorite new trick comes from one of Gottman’s study participants: ask yourself whether you and your child are “’settl[ing y]our differences like two people [or like] a guy and his dog.’”
Though I didn’t find the chapter on marriage and divorce particularly enlightening, I loved the daddy chapter and recommend that working parents of either gender read it in isolation (and sub in gender-neutral language) if they don’t have time for the whole book. Gottman writes, “[T]he best way for dads to be part of their children’s lives is to participate in . . . ‘family work,’ the day-to-day feeding, bathing, dressing, and nurturing of children.” After all, “[s]uccessful fathering is not about getting things done despite our children. . . . It’s about . . . taking time to be with our children one on one, relating to them on a level their age requires.” And the effect is cumulative: “[c]onversations come easier if you know about the events and people in your child’s life.” In sum, “family time is full of a million opportunities either to connect with your children or to distance yourself from them.” Of course, the great paternal irony is that men are socialized to work hard to provide for their families, but the harder they work (i.e., the longer hours they’re away and the more distracted they are when they’re home) the less they can emotionally provide for their families. At the end of the day, “men are often required to sacrifice financial gains and career development in order to strike a better balance between their work and family lives.” From Gottman’s lips to God’s ears.
The next edition could certainly benefit from a heavy-handed editor and a “choose your own adventure” approach; in the meantime, parents who take the time to sift through the existing material will be handsomely rewarded with Gottman’s substantial wisdom.
Gottman’s division of parents into four types helps to clarify my chief complaint: the “dismissing parent” minimizes emotion and employs distraction, the “disapproving parent” negates and belittles emotion, the “laissez-faire parent” acknowledges emotion but doesn’t guide children to resolution, and the “emotion coach” values children’s emotions, “us[ing] emotional moments as a time to listen to the child, empathize with soothing words and affection, help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling, offer guidance on regulating emotions, set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions, [and] teach problem-solving skills.” Though we all have our moments in each camp, readers are predisposed to be most like one of the four types.
Since dismissing and disapproving parents need the “why” behind emotion coaching Gottman starts out by explaining that children of emotion coaches unsurprisingly end up with “more general abilities in the area of their own emotions . . . includ[ing] being able to regulate their own emotional states” (i.e., moderating their reactions and soothing themselves when upset, even physically calming down their hearts faster). More interestingly, his research shows that these kids also “had fewer infectious illnesses[,] . . . were better at focusing attention[,] . . . related better to other people[,] . . . were better at understanding people[, and] . . . were also better at situations in school that required academic performance.” In order to explain this link between “parents’ responsiveness and children’s emotional intelligence,” Gottman theorizes that “[w]ith adults constantly invalidating her feelings, [a child begins to accept the adult’s estimation of the event, learns to doubt her own judgment, and] loses confidence in herself.” On an even more visceral level, he explains, “[b]abies whose emotional needs are neglected . . . don’t get the chance to learn th[at it is possible to go from feelings of intense distress, anger, and fear, to feelings of comfort and recovery]. When they cry out of fear, sadness, or anger, they experience only more fear, more sadness, and more anger. . . . [T]hey experience negative emotion as a black hole of anxiety and fear.” Okay, so “no thanks” to the black hole of anxiety and fear.
Now that he has dismissing and disapproving parents on board (and laissez-faire and emotion coaching parents bored), Gottman sets about explaining how a parent switches styles: analyzing and altering her approach to her own emotions. Don’t worry, he reassures, “[f]or most . . . becoming emotionally aware is not a matter of picking up new skills; it is a matter of granting themselves permission to experience what’s already there,” and fear not, “people can be emotionally aware . . . without being highly expressive.” Finally, we get to “the five key steps for emotion coaching . . . : (1) being aware of the child’s emotion; (2) recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching; (3) listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings; (4) helping the child verbally label emotions [in order to “transform an amorphous, scary, uncomfortable feeling into something definable, something that has boundaries and is a normal part of everyday life”]; and (5) setting limits while helping the child problem-solve.” All the while making sure the child “understand[s] that . . . [a]ll feelings and all wishes are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.”
A chapter packed with helpful strategies follows. For example, I’ve long wondered whether I show too much emotion when dealing with my little ones, especially after reading the “Parenting with Love & Logic” admonition to never let your kids see you sweat. Gottman confirmed my maternal impulse that parents ought to model emotional intelligence, displaying emotions like anger and showing their children that “[s]trong feelings can be expressed and managed” (with the added benefit of showing that you care). Gottman’s other suggestions include: (1) “acknowledge low levels of emotion early on before they escalate”; (2) since “children - like all people - have reasons for their emotions, whether they can articulate them or not,” if you find your child “getting angry or upset over an issue that seems inconsequential, it may help to step back and look at the big picture of what’s going on in their lives”; (3) don’t joke or use discipline playing on children’s fear of abandonment; (4) “sharing simple observations usually works better than probing questions to get a conversation rolling”; (5) “avoid questions to which you already know the answer”; (6) “keep in mind that children also learn from their mistakes [and if] your child seems to be veering toward an idea that you know is unworkable but harmless, you may want to let her try it anyway”; (7) “avoid ‘siding with the enemy’”; and (8) “fantasy play . . . [has] utility in helping kids cope with a multitude of anxieties likely to peak in early childhood” such as fear of powerlessness, abandonment, the dark, bad dreams, parental conflict, and death. Lastly, my favorite new trick comes from one of Gottman’s study participants: ask yourself whether you and your child are “’settl[ing y]our differences like two people [or like] a guy and his dog.’”
Though I didn’t find the chapter on marriage and divorce particularly enlightening, I loved the daddy chapter and recommend that working parents of either gender read it in isolation (and sub in gender-neutral language) if they don’t have time for the whole book. Gottman writes, “[T]he best way for dads to be part of their children’s lives is to participate in . . . ‘family work,’ the day-to-day feeding, bathing, dressing, and nurturing of children.” After all, “[s]uccessful fathering is not about getting things done despite our children. . . . It’s about . . . taking time to be with our children one on one, relating to them on a level their age requires.” And the effect is cumulative: “[c]onversations come easier if you know about the events and people in your child’s life.” In sum, “family time is full of a million opportunities either to connect with your children or to distance yourself from them.” Of course, the great paternal irony is that men are socialized to work hard to provide for their families, but the harder they work (i.e., the longer hours they’re away and the more distracted they are when they’re home) the less they can emotionally provide for their families. At the end of the day, “men are often required to sacrifice financial gains and career development in order to strike a better balance between their work and family lives.” From Gottman’s lips to God’s ears.
The next edition could certainly benefit from a heavy-handed editor and a “choose your own adventure” approach; in the meantime, parents who take the time to sift through the existing material will be handsomely rewarded with Gottman’s substantial wisdom.
March 22, 2015
A must read for every dad. Positively changes your perspective on parenting.
May 10, 2011
Every parent should read this book. Parents of toddlers, parents of teenagers. There are so many things in this book that can help parents build trusting, communicative relationships with their children, and establish methods to help a child become "emotionally intelligent." The beginning of the book talks about how the emotional intelligence of a child is a far greater predictor of success (school performance, education, career opportunities, better peer relationships) in life than a child's mental intelligence, or IQ. It took a little while for me to be convinced that the strategies in this book would be effective, but now I'm trying to use them every day in my parenting.
Gottman presents five key steps to "Emotion Coaching," which help children understand and regulate their emotions. The five key steps are these:
1. Be aware of the child's emotion
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically and validate the child's feelings
4. Help the child verbally label emotions
5. Set limits while you help the child problem-solve
Step number four I found especially enlightening as the book talked about how the act of labeling emotions can have a soothing effect on the nervous system: "talking about an emotion as you're experiencing it engages the left lobe of the brain, which is the center of language and logic." This helps the child calm down. Children rarely understand their feelings or can adequately express why they're having those feelings, so they need a parent to help them label their emotions.
Another important thing I learned from this book is when to ignore "Parental Agenda." Gottman gives this example:
Mom: "What's the matter, sweetheart? You look kind of sad."
Andrew: "I just wish I had a nicer sister."
Mom: "Well, are you nice to her?"
"Imagine now how Andrew must have felt about this question. Here was Mom, appearing to be interested in how he was feeling. But as soon as he opens up, she responds with criticism. Granted, it's well-intentioned, mild criticism, but it's criticism nonetheless."
The mom in this situation should have first responded empathetically; because she was critical, her son will probably not continue to share his feelings with her.
Gottman cites Haim Ginott's principle: All feelings are permissible; not all behavior is permissible. "The goal of Emotion Coaching is to explore and understand emotions, not to suppress them." He also talks about how giving children choices helps them to build self-esteem.
Here's some more from the book, in case you're intrigued:
"It is said that in Chinese the ideogram representing “opportunity” is encompassed in the ideogram for “crisis.” Nowhere is the linking of these two concepts more apt than in our role as parents. Whether the crisis is a broken balloon, a failing math grade, or the betrayal of a friend, such negative experiences can serve as superb opportunities to empathize, to build intimacy with our children, and to teach them ways to handle their feelings.
"For many parents, recognizing children’s negative emotions as opportunities for such bonding and teaching comes as a relief, a liberation, a great “ah-ha.” We can look at our children’s anger as something other than a challenge to our authority. Kids’ fears are no longer evidence of our incompetence as parents. And their sadness doesn’t have to represent just “one more blasted thing I’m going to have to fix today.”
"To reiterate an idea offered by one Emotion-Coaching father in our studies, a child needs his parent most when he is sad or angry or afraid. The ability to help soothe an upset child can be what makes us “feel most like parents.” By acknowledging our children’s emotions, we are helping them learn skills for soothing themselves, skills that will serve them well for a lifetime.
"While some parents try to ignore children’s negative feelings in the hope that they will go away, emotions rarely work that way. Instead, negative feelings dissipate when children can talk about their emotions, label them, and feel understood. It makes sense, therefore, to acknowledge low levels of emotion early on before they escalate into full-blown crises. If your five-year-old seems nervous about an upcoming trip to the dentist, it’s better to explore that fear the day before than to wait until the child is in the dentist chair, throwing a full-blown tantrum. If your twelve-year-old feels envious because his best friend got the position he coveted on the baseball team, it’s better to help him talk over those feelings with you than to let them boil over in a row between the two buddies next week.
"Addressing feelings that are low in intensity before they escalate also gives families a chance to practice listening and problem-solving skills while the stakes are small. If you express interest and concern over your child’s broken toy or a minor scrape, these experiences are building blocks. Your child learns that you are his ally and the two of you figure out how to collaborate. Then if a big crisis occurs, you are prepared to face it together."
Anyway, I am sold. Every parent should read this book.
Gottman presents five key steps to "Emotion Coaching," which help children understand and regulate their emotions. The five key steps are these:
1. Be aware of the child's emotion
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically and validate the child's feelings
4. Help the child verbally label emotions
5. Set limits while you help the child problem-solve
Step number four I found especially enlightening as the book talked about how the act of labeling emotions can have a soothing effect on the nervous system: "talking about an emotion as you're experiencing it engages the left lobe of the brain, which is the center of language and logic." This helps the child calm down. Children rarely understand their feelings or can adequately express why they're having those feelings, so they need a parent to help them label their emotions.
Another important thing I learned from this book is when to ignore "Parental Agenda." Gottman gives this example:
Mom: "What's the matter, sweetheart? You look kind of sad."
Andrew: "I just wish I had a nicer sister."
Mom: "Well, are you nice to her?"
"Imagine now how Andrew must have felt about this question. Here was Mom, appearing to be interested in how he was feeling. But as soon as he opens up, she responds with criticism. Granted, it's well-intentioned, mild criticism, but it's criticism nonetheless."
The mom in this situation should have first responded empathetically; because she was critical, her son will probably not continue to share his feelings with her.
Gottman cites Haim Ginott's principle: All feelings are permissible; not all behavior is permissible. "The goal of Emotion Coaching is to explore and understand emotions, not to suppress them." He also talks about how giving children choices helps them to build self-esteem.
Here's some more from the book, in case you're intrigued:
"It is said that in Chinese the ideogram representing “opportunity” is encompassed in the ideogram for “crisis.” Nowhere is the linking of these two concepts more apt than in our role as parents. Whether the crisis is a broken balloon, a failing math grade, or the betrayal of a friend, such negative experiences can serve as superb opportunities to empathize, to build intimacy with our children, and to teach them ways to handle their feelings.
"For many parents, recognizing children’s negative emotions as opportunities for such bonding and teaching comes as a relief, a liberation, a great “ah-ha.” We can look at our children’s anger as something other than a challenge to our authority. Kids’ fears are no longer evidence of our incompetence as parents. And their sadness doesn’t have to represent just “one more blasted thing I’m going to have to fix today.”
"To reiterate an idea offered by one Emotion-Coaching father in our studies, a child needs his parent most when he is sad or angry or afraid. The ability to help soothe an upset child can be what makes us “feel most like parents.” By acknowledging our children’s emotions, we are helping them learn skills for soothing themselves, skills that will serve them well for a lifetime.
"While some parents try to ignore children’s negative feelings in the hope that they will go away, emotions rarely work that way. Instead, negative feelings dissipate when children can talk about their emotions, label them, and feel understood. It makes sense, therefore, to acknowledge low levels of emotion early on before they escalate into full-blown crises. If your five-year-old seems nervous about an upcoming trip to the dentist, it’s better to explore that fear the day before than to wait until the child is in the dentist chair, throwing a full-blown tantrum. If your twelve-year-old feels envious because his best friend got the position he coveted on the baseball team, it’s better to help him talk over those feelings with you than to let them boil over in a row between the two buddies next week.
"Addressing feelings that are low in intensity before they escalate also gives families a chance to practice listening and problem-solving skills while the stakes are small. If you express interest and concern over your child’s broken toy or a minor scrape, these experiences are building blocks. Your child learns that you are his ally and the two of you figure out how to collaborate. Then if a big crisis occurs, you are prepared to face it together."
Anyway, I am sold. Every parent should read this book.
September 25, 2019
اين كتاب راهكارهايي براي بالا بردن هوش هيجاني كودكان ارائه ميدهد كه تا حدودي موثرند.
آنچه بيش از هر چيز توجه مرا در حوزهي تربيت كودك جلب كرده اين است كه: " كودك را رها كنيد و به تربيت خويش بپردازيد".
در تربيت فرزند و بالا بردن هوش هيجانياش بيشترين موردي كه حائز اهميت است نحوهي برخورد والدين با ناراحتي، سرشكستي، شادي و تمامي احساساتي است كه كودك تجربه ميكند.
احساس كودك را بشناسيم،، بر آن نام بنهيم ، كودك را درك كنيم و با او همدلي نماییم.
فروردين ٩٨
آنچه بيش از هر چيز توجه مرا در حوزهي تربيت كودك جلب كرده اين است كه: " كودك را رها كنيد و به تربيت خويش بپردازيد".
در تربيت فرزند و بالا بردن هوش هيجانياش بيشترين موردي كه حائز اهميت است نحوهي برخورد والدين با ناراحتي، سرشكستي، شادي و تمامي احساساتي است كه كودك تجربه ميكند.
احساس كودك را بشناسيم،، بر آن نام بنهيم ، كودك را درك كنيم و با او همدلي نماییم.
فروردين ٩٨
December 28, 2022
Great book about preparing your child to not only understand their emotions but to equip them for adulthood. The main premise of this book is to become an emotional coach to your children and it's really not that complex of a thing to do. There are three types of non-emotional coaching parents: dismissing, disapproving and laissez faire. The dismissing and disapproving are obvious but the laissez faire is a parent who appears to respect their children's emotions by letting them explore but the problem is they do not provide guidance about what to do with those emotions. None of these parenting styles actually help children.
And becoming an emotion coach is pretty simple: just make observations about their emotional state. Rather than dictating and interrogating children about their emotions, you offer observations, validate their emotions, empathize with them and just be there with them for those moments. Create green, yellow and red zones of permittable behavior. Yellow zone is needed because it allows children to push boundaries knowing the parent disapproves to allow them to grow.
If you're a parent you should ask yourself, from where is your power derived? If it's from your anger, from humiliating your child or from being far too permissive, these power sources will not help children grow and will likely teach them toxic coping methods. The power should be derived from the emotional trust you have with them. This is why simply being disappointed is punishment in and of itself because you have fostered a healthy emotional relationship with them prior that ensures how you feel about them matters to them.
Here's the simple but poignant point of this book: children have reasons for their emotions just like any adult. And just like any adult, you can observance, explore and empathize rather than dismiss their emotions as the incoherent emotions of a toddler or something.
Great read for any parent. Highly recommend.
And becoming an emotion coach is pretty simple: just make observations about their emotional state. Rather than dictating and interrogating children about their emotions, you offer observations, validate their emotions, empathize with them and just be there with them for those moments. Create green, yellow and red zones of permittable behavior. Yellow zone is needed because it allows children to push boundaries knowing the parent disapproves to allow them to grow.
If you're a parent you should ask yourself, from where is your power derived? If it's from your anger, from humiliating your child or from being far too permissive, these power sources will not help children grow and will likely teach them toxic coping methods. The power should be derived from the emotional trust you have with them. This is why simply being disappointed is punishment in and of itself because you have fostered a healthy emotional relationship with them prior that ensures how you feel about them matters to them.
Here's the simple but poignant point of this book: children have reasons for their emotions just like any adult. And just like any adult, you can observance, explore and empathize rather than dismiss their emotions as the incoherent emotions of a toddler or something.
Great read for any parent. Highly recommend.
July 15, 2014
This book started off with the premise that parenting is so important YOU MIGHT MESS UP YOUR KIDS IF YOU DO IT WRONG which dropped it to a three star book right away. Other than that I did pick it up and put it down over the course of six weeks, continuing to come back to it as it gave me lots of food for thought.
In the big picture Gottman is advocating "Emotion Coaching" which broken down to five steps is: 1.) Being aware of the child's emotions 2.)Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching 3.)Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings 4.) Helping the child verbally label emotions 5.) Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve.
I personally didn't get a lot out of the big picture information, but I did get a lot out of smaller points in the book. For example, it changed the way I looked at displays of fear and anger in my son and made me realize how dismissive I am of them. Also the chapters in the end about the father's crucial role recapped a lot of good research and the following chapter which explored five different periods of children's lives and their emotional development in each was a revelation to me.
So, my final recommendation for this book is to not "read" it, but use it as a reference book. Skim the table of contents, section headings, etc. to find those parts which are most interesting and relevant to your parenting situation.
In the big picture Gottman is advocating "Emotion Coaching" which broken down to five steps is: 1.) Being aware of the child's emotions 2.)Recognizing the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching 3.)Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings 4.) Helping the child verbally label emotions 5.) Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve.
I personally didn't get a lot out of the big picture information, but I did get a lot out of smaller points in the book. For example, it changed the way I looked at displays of fear and anger in my son and made me realize how dismissive I am of them. Also the chapters in the end about the father's crucial role recapped a lot of good research and the following chapter which explored five different periods of children's lives and their emotional development in each was a revelation to me.
So, my final recommendation for this book is to not "read" it, but use it as a reference book. Skim the table of contents, section headings, etc. to find those parts which are most interesting and relevant to your parenting situation.
October 8, 2022
Tl;dr: There are some problematic ideas/fallacies consistent with the decade in which this was published. The target audience was gen x fathers who had been raised by authoritarian parents.
The author contradicts himself. He recognizes that past generations didn’t provide patience and kindness for children, and that we are evolving away from authoritarian parenting. Children have always needed more emotional support, and culture has suppressed it.
However, he also asserts that emotionally intelligent children used to occur more frequently, and with the decline of the nuclear family. emotional intelligence has thus diminished. I disagree completely with the latter analysis, and there is not evidence to support this. There are many factors that contribute to child and youth problems today. I appreciate that he acknowledged the lack of living wages in America, as well as the loss of the village/social community that families used to rely on for their children’s upbringing. However, his continued emphasis on the dissolve of the nuclear family is skewed. For example, he claims that more women going to work, along with the shifting roles as fathers remain at home, has had a detrimental effect on society. What is his evidence? Additionally, while the author tried to use gender inclusive language for children, he only referred to children’s parents as “the father and the mother,” eliminating healthy LGBTQ families.
Again, later in the book, he repeats that the modern wave of feminism has destroyed families. There is so much privilege in saying that families need a good father. Way too much worship of the nuclear family. I believe all of these principles can happen in non traditional families. Love that he recognizes that dads often play “babysitter” instead of father and give too much to their careers, and this needs to shift.
The actual advice after he goes on about causes, is helpful. Empathy is the foundation of emotion coaching.
The author contradicts himself. He recognizes that past generations didn’t provide patience and kindness for children, and that we are evolving away from authoritarian parenting. Children have always needed more emotional support, and culture has suppressed it.
However, he also asserts that emotionally intelligent children used to occur more frequently, and with the decline of the nuclear family. emotional intelligence has thus diminished. I disagree completely with the latter analysis, and there is not evidence to support this. There are many factors that contribute to child and youth problems today. I appreciate that he acknowledged the lack of living wages in America, as well as the loss of the village/social community that families used to rely on for their children’s upbringing. However, his continued emphasis on the dissolve of the nuclear family is skewed. For example, he claims that more women going to work, along with the shifting roles as fathers remain at home, has had a detrimental effect on society. What is his evidence? Additionally, while the author tried to use gender inclusive language for children, he only referred to children’s parents as “the father and the mother,” eliminating healthy LGBTQ families.
Again, later in the book, he repeats that the modern wave of feminism has destroyed families. There is so much privilege in saying that families need a good father. Way too much worship of the nuclear family. I believe all of these principles can happen in non traditional families. Love that he recognizes that dads often play “babysitter” instead of father and give too much to their careers, and this needs to shift.
The actual advice after he goes on about causes, is helpful. Empathy is the foundation of emotion coaching.
March 19, 2018
I thought this book was very helpful in terms of things not to do (shaming, escalating, etc. etc.), but that the advice for what TO do was a bit naive (the fatal flaw of many parenting books): just use words and say it the right way and your preschooler will totally be rational! Yay! Yeah right, lol.
It was also pretty 90s dated--lots of stuff in here about saving kids from the rising danger of becoming criminals and hysterics about the ever rising rate of divorce and how it will surely turn all our kids into little sociopaths. Skip the editorializing and just read the hands-on advice.
It was also pretty 90s dated--lots of stuff in here about saving kids from the rising danger of becoming criminals and hysterics about the ever rising rate of divorce and how it will surely turn all our kids into little sociopaths. Skip the editorializing and just read the hands-on advice.
February 20, 2013
It's fine. Not earth-shattering or anything, but practical, substantial, and solidly supported. I had a previous love for Gottman from his marriage studies/books.
I don't really think it's necessary to memorize the emotion coaching steps or anything, since a lot of it just strikes me as common sense and practice, and once you embrace the role of emotion-coaching, you'll find your own ways to communicate with your particular kid in the way that works best for y'all. (But the specific steps might be really helpful for parents coming from a "not really in touch with your own emotions" place.) Still, there was some good advice about being mindful to separate the emotion from the manifestation of the emotion, how to recognize situations in which it is actually best *not* to emotion coach, and what to do in those situations.
In general, I'd really like for editors to recognize that PARENTING books, especially those for baby/toddler-years, are read by people who are SHORT ON TIME. I basically have the same complaint about this that I do about all the other parenting books I've read: IT SHOULD BE HALF AS LONG.
I don't really think it's necessary to memorize the emotion coaching steps or anything, since a lot of it just strikes me as common sense and practice, and once you embrace the role of emotion-coaching, you'll find your own ways to communicate with your particular kid in the way that works best for y'all. (But the specific steps might be really helpful for parents coming from a "not really in touch with your own emotions" place.) Still, there was some good advice about being mindful to separate the emotion from the manifestation of the emotion, how to recognize situations in which it is actually best *not* to emotion coach, and what to do in those situations.
In general, I'd really like for editors to recognize that PARENTING books, especially those for baby/toddler-years, are read by people who are SHORT ON TIME. I basically have the same complaint about this that I do about all the other parenting books I've read: IT SHOULD BE HALF AS LONG.
September 4, 2008
yes, i read parenting books. i'm a nanny and an overachiever. this one is excellent. even if you never hang out with kids, i think that at a certain age, we all realize that we need to be a good parent to ourselves - creating nurturing and discipline in our daily lives. so this book gave me tools to understand the underlying philosophy of my own parents, the way its affected my own style, and tools for changing it. Plus, it has helped immensely with taking care of a two and four year old.
November 20, 2019
I've read like 35 parenting books in the last 6 years. I thought I'd just skim this one. NOPE! It's a must read.
I'm a big fan of Gottman's marriage books and studies, and found his parenting advice no less compelling. When it comes to dealing with kids' emotions, he describes 4 types of parents:
-Dismissing: Emotions are uncomfortable; quickly tries to move past emotions or distract the kid)
-Disapproving: emotions are wrong/dangerous. "Don't you raise your voice at me! Go to your room!")
-Laissez Faire: Parent empathizes but sets no boundaries and offers no advice on how to resolve them.
-Emotion Coaches: Uses empathy, sets limits, coaches the child on problem solving
Here are the steps to being an emotion coach:
1. Being aware of the child's emotion.
2.Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings
4. Helping the child verbally label emotions
5. Setting limits while helping the child problem solve
Don't bother emotion coaching when you:
-Are Pressed for time
-Have an audience (do it later)
-Are too upset/tired for it to be productive (later)
-Need to address serious misbehavior
-When your child is "faking" an emotion to manipulate you
I'm a big fan of Gottman's marriage books and studies, and found his parenting advice no less compelling. When it comes to dealing with kids' emotions, he describes 4 types of parents:
-Dismissing: Emotions are uncomfortable; quickly tries to move past emotions or distract the kid)
-Disapproving: emotions are wrong/dangerous. "Don't you raise your voice at me! Go to your room!")
-Laissez Faire: Parent empathizes but sets no boundaries and offers no advice on how to resolve them.
-Emotion Coaches: Uses empathy, sets limits, coaches the child on problem solving
Here are the steps to being an emotion coach:
1. Being aware of the child's emotion.
2.Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listening empathetically and validating the child's feelings
4. Helping the child verbally label emotions
5. Setting limits while helping the child problem solve
Don't bother emotion coaching when you:
-Are Pressed for time
-Have an audience (do it later)
-Are too upset/tired for it to be productive (later)
-Need to address serious misbehavior
-When your child is "faking" an emotion to manipulate you
June 18, 2023
3.5 stars. I like John Gottman a lot and am aligned with this book but a lot of it is a rehash of the principles in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, both of which I’ve already read a couple of times. However, it’d be worth reading if you haven’t read the others! I think it’s largely geared towards parents of younger kids but the principles can apply to all ages. The main message is listen with empathy and without judgement and don’t try to insert yourself/your opinions into all your responses. Just validate and guide them towards their own responses/decisions.
There’s a small bit about teens at the very end and he says this, which I really liked:
“Now is a good time to practice saying ‘the choice is yours.’ Express confidence in your child’s judgement and resist speculating about potentially disastrous outcomes as a warning. Encouraging autonomy also means Allowing teens to make unwise - though not unsafe - choices.”
There’s a small bit about teens at the very end and he says this, which I really liked:
“Now is a good time to practice saying ‘the choice is yours.’ Express confidence in your child’s judgement and resist speculating about potentially disastrous outcomes as a warning. Encouraging autonomy also means Allowing teens to make unwise - though not unsafe - choices.”
March 18, 2011
I think this book would be really good for parents who aren't sure what emotions are acceptable and how to handle their own emotions in relation to their childs' emotions- clear as mud. What I mean is, if you are ok with your child getting angry, upset, frustrated then you probably know most of what's in this book. But if you aren't ok with yourself feelings these emotions, let alone a child, then you should read it to get on board. Kids are going to have emotions, for crying out loud, adults do. But how we teach our kids to handle them when they are young will reflect their ability to handle them as they get older.
I was looking for more advice on how to figure out what is bothering my child. I can see his frustration- through many outlets- but we can't identify what is causing it. I guess if someone wrote a book on that parenting would be not so...parent-ish. great.
I was looking for more advice on how to figure out what is bothering my child. I can see his frustration- through many outlets- but we can't identify what is causing it. I guess if someone wrote a book on that parenting would be not so...parent-ish. great.
September 4, 2012
You can sum up the five main points in this book in just one chapter but I did appreciate the supporting chapters. There is a lot of really good scientific research in this book, which I always appreciate. I recently ditched a parenting book because its main supporting text was the bible. :|
This author is a psychotherapist who emphasizes empathy as the main way to relate to children. He talks about how damaging it can be to minimize their stress and the lasting effects of doing so, which can teach them to mistrust their own emotions. He also emphasizes the role of the family and the father especially, which I found fascinating.
Of course in reading these books, I am partly looking for magic beans to get my toddler to stop whining forever. Of course there is no such magical advice but there is a lot of solid advice in this book to help you relate to your child far more effectively.
This author is a psychotherapist who emphasizes empathy as the main way to relate to children. He talks about how damaging it can be to minimize their stress and the lasting effects of doing so, which can teach them to mistrust their own emotions. He also emphasizes the role of the family and the father especially, which I found fascinating.
Of course in reading these books, I am partly looking for magic beans to get my toddler to stop whining forever. Of course there is no such magical advice but there is a lot of solid advice in this book to help you relate to your child far more effectively.
January 4, 2008
This book had good ideas, but I felt it was redundant; it could have made the point with half the words. I also feel it was mostly geared to those with small children.
December 13, 2023
It’s kind of terrifying how easy it is to mess up your kids. That what comes naturally or with the best of intentions or what makes sense in the moment can actually cause harm down the road. I was raised by wonderful parents, and yet reading this shined a light on some bad habits I’ve developed around dealing with (ie avoiding) negative emotions. I hope I can have the wherewithal (even in my constant state of exhaustion and with the fear that is part of parenting) to see my own weaknesses and adjust my responses so I do not pass them on.
July 13, 2023
Дуже відчувається, що книжці вже років 20. Від того автор не є менш правим, але подача інформації могла б бути цікавішою на початку. Перший розділ він нас завалює датою, цифрами і дослідженнями, які мають підкрітипити все те, що буде далі, ніби намагається переконати у своїй правоті.
Тим не менш, книжка гарно пояснює і дає старатегію як розвивати Емоційний Інтелект у дітей, і нагадує батькам про їх.
З смішного, автор (чоловік) має цілий розділ про те, чому важливо татові бути таким ж залученим як і мамі у виховання дитини (agree), але застерігає татів, що тоді у них менше шансів побудувати успішну карʼєру і наводить купу аргументів. You know who can relate? Your wife and pretty much every mom out there.
Тим не менш, книжка гарно пояснює і дає старатегію як розвивати Емоційний Інтелект у дітей, і нагадує батькам про їх.
З смішного, автор (чоловік) має цілий розділ про те, чому важливо татові бути таким ж залученим як і мамі у виховання дитини (agree), але застерігає татів, що тоді у них менше шансів побудувати успішну карʼєру і наводить купу аргументів. You know who can relate? Your wife and pretty much every mom out there.
March 16, 2024
This was a good read. I didn't agree with everything, but I'd say most of it was very helpful and insightful. I took my time reading it, and I've been using some of the techniques with my kids. It has helped me to see that requiring respect and obedience from your kids, and being empathetic and understanding toward their distress, are not mutually exclusive (idk about you, but my kids' distress and their disrespect and disobedience are usually a package deal). Definitely recommend if you're looking for help finding that balance.
August 16, 2009
I know everyone who reviewed it loved this book, but I just could not get into in. I understand and somewhat agree with the theory of emotional intelligence and how to develop that in children in theory. However, it seemed to be a lot of convincing and not much "how-to".
September 12, 2017
Standing ovation
I can already tell that this is a book that I will come back to many times, I'll probably read it once a year to refresh. My mind is still reeling from all the literal wisdom I just inhaled.
If you have kids or want to eventually, this is a must-read.
I can already tell that this is a book that I will come back to many times, I'll probably read it once a year to refresh. My mind is still reeling from all the literal wisdom I just inhaled.
If you have kids or want to eventually, this is a must-read.
August 6, 2008
This had some good ideas in it, but a lot of them are things that are kind of common sense. I do like it, but I probably won't finish it.
August 20, 2019
(The English review is placed beneath Russian one)
Те, кто увлекается книгами по психологии, те знают, что существует два довольно популярных автора пишущих на темы отношений (relationship) или можно более обще – психологии. И Дэниел Гоулман и Джон Готтман известны двумя своими книгами («7 принципов счастливого брака, или Эмоциональный интеллект в любви» или другое название «Карта любви» (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) и «Эмоциональный интеллект. Почему он может значить больше, чем IQ» (Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ)). Поэтому было интересно, как это получится совместить этих двух авторов, ибо как ни крути, а темы «эмоциональный интеллект» и «семейные отношения» (построение крепкого семейного брака и его укрепление), всё же отличаются. Это как совместить в одном фильме Железного человека и Бэтмена. Чаще всего такие фильмы становятся не очень успешными. Можно сказать, что и в нашем случаи, получилось не очень удачно.
Возможно, эта книга предназначается только для тех, у кого уже есть грудные дети или кто вот-вот собирается обзавестись ими. Это один вариант, почему я оказался не в восторге от книги. Другой вариант, что книга просто не получилась.
Вот возьмём основную идею всей книги, а именно, создание или культивирование эмоционального интеллекта. Книга не предлагает чёткой и ясной теории. Более того, автор фактически похоронил эту идею под множеством ненужных примеров, историй и в целом, лишнего текста. Если мы выжмем всё это, то в итоге получим одно-два предложения: относитесь к детям как вы относитесь к взрослым, в плане попытки понять и осознать эмоции другого человека. Мы как бы работаем не только на рациональном уровне, но и на эмоциональном. Вот как-то так. Возможно, я не точен, ибо автор так и не предложил стройную теорию, ограничившись разнообразными историями и общими фразами. Но, как я понимаю, смысл такой. Что интересно, я сейчас вспоминаю, что точно такая же тактика используется и в отношении взрослых людей. Вроде это есть в книгах «Трудные разговоры» и/или «Ругаться нельзя мириться». В любом случаи, смысл в том, что это уже было и было по отношению к взрослым. Вот только в данном случаи меня беспокоит один вопрос: а ребёнок-то способен понять? Ведь если это годовалый или даже двухлетний, у них же мозг ещё находится в процессе развития, у них совершенно другое сознание (если куклу закрыть ширмой, то маленький ребёнок скажет, что кукла исчезла, а не что она находится за ширмой (если я не путаю эксперимент)). Другими словами, встаёт вопрос эффективности предлагаемого метода воспитания. Или мы можем даже сказать, что в книге слабо представлен критический взгляд на теорию. Нет, я не спорю в целом с новым предлагаемым методом (нечто похожее – отказ от наград и наказания – уже предлагался в книге «Наказание наградой» Альфи Кон). У меня вопрос к эффективности именно одной его части, той, что предлагается в книге. К примеру, если ребёнок (используя пример из книги) не успокоится и продолжит требовать своего жирафика (игрушка), о котором пишет автор? У автора получается, что ребёнок успокоится после «задушевного разговора», но где факты?
Далее. Примеры, что приводит автор, все они изображают родителей-экстравертов, а как быть с интровертами (это особенно видно с примером трёх отцов в конце книги)? Автор описывает их поведение так, что я не могу отделаться от мысли, что вижу какую-то фальшивую весёлость отца интересующегося делами сына. Такой стиль поведения определённо не для меня и не для других интровертов. Т.е. опять возвращаемся в начало, к теме, как вести себя. И плюс, поведение иллюстрированное примерами определённо подойдёт не всем, т.к. дети-интроверты могут воспротивиться этим задушевным разговорам с родителями.
Those who are fond of books on psychology know that there are two quite popular authors who write about relationships or, more generally, about psychology. Both Daniel Goleman and John M. Gottman are known for their two books (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ). Therefore, it was interesting to know how it would be possible to combine these two authors, because the themes of "emotional intelligence" and "family relations" (building a strong marriage and strengthening it) still differ. It's like combining Iron Man and Batman in one film. Most often, such films are not very successful. We can say that in our case, it was not very successful as well.
Perhaps, this book is intended only for those who already have babies. This is one version why I was not thrilled with the book. Another version is that the book just didn't succeed.
Let's take the main idea of the whole book, namely, the creation or cultivation of emotional intelligence. The book does not offer a clear and precise theory. Moreover, the author has actually buried this idea under a lot of unnecessary examples, stories and, in general, unnecessary text. If we squeeze it all out, we'll end up with one or two sentences: treat children like you treat adults, in terms of trying to understand and comprehend the emotions of another person. It is as if we work not only on a rational level, but also on an emotional level. That's how it works. Perhaps I am not precise, because the author has not proposed a coherent theory, limiting himself to a variety of stories and general phrases. But, as I understand it, the meaning is this. What's interesting is that I remember now that the same tactics are used for adults. It seems to be in the books "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" and/or "Feeling Good Together" by David D. Burns. In any case, the point is that it was and has been in relation to adults. But in this case I am concerned about one question: is the child able to understand? After all, if it's a one-year-old or even two-year-old, they still have a brain in the process of development, they have a completely different consciousness (if the doll is covered with a screen, the little child will say that the doll has disappeared, not that it is behind the screen (if I don't confuse the experiment)). In other words, there is a question of the effectiveness of the proposed method of upbringing. Or we can even say that the book does not provide a critical view of the theory. No, I don't argue with the new proposed method in general (something similar - the rejection of awards and punishment - has already been proposed in Alfie Kohn's book "Punished by Rewards"). I have a question about the effectiveness of one part of it, the one proposed in the book. For example, what if a child (using an example from the book) does not calm down and continues to demand his giraffe (a toy), which the author writes about? The author shows that the child will calm down after a "heartfelt conversation" (intimate conversation), but where are the facts?
Next. The examples given by the author are all examples of extrovert parents, but what about introverts (this is especially evident with the example of three fathers at the end of the book)? The author describes their behavior in such a way that I can't get rid of the idea that I see some fake cheerfulness of a father interested in his son's affairs. This style of behavior is definitely not for me or for other introverts. I.e. we go back to the beginning, to the topic of how to behave. And plus, the behavior that is illustrated with examples will definitely not suit everyone, because children introverts can resist these intimate conversations with parents.
Те, кто увлекается книгами по психологии, те знают, что существует два довольно популярных автора пишущих на темы отношений (relationship) или можно более обще – психологии. И Дэниел Гоулман и Джон Готтман известны двумя своими книгами («7 принципов счастливого брака, или Эмоциональный интеллект в любви» или другое название «Карта любви» (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work) и «Эмоциональный интеллект. Почему он может значить больше, чем IQ» (Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ)). Поэтому было интересно, как это получится совместить этих двух авторов, ибо как ни крути, а темы «эмоциональный интеллект» и «семейные отношения» (построение крепкого семейного брака и его укрепление), всё же отличаются. Это как совместить в одном фильме Железного человека и Бэтмена. Чаще всего такие фильмы становятся не очень успешными. Можно сказать, что и в нашем случаи, получилось не очень удачно.
Возможно, эта книга предназначается только для тех, у кого уже есть грудные дети или кто вот-вот собирается обзавестись ими. Это один вариант, почему я оказался не в восторге от книги. Другой вариант, что книга просто не получилась.
Вот возьмём основную идею всей книги, а именно, создание или культивирование эмоционального интеллекта. Книга не предлагает чёткой и ясной теории. Более того, автор фактически похоронил эту идею под множеством ненужных примеров, историй и в целом, лишнего текста. Если мы выжмем всё это, то в итоге получим одно-два предложения: относитесь к детям как вы относитесь к взрослым, в плане попытки понять и осознать эмоции другого человека. Мы как бы работаем не только на рациональном уровне, но и на эмоциональном. Вот как-то так. Возможно, я не точен, ибо автор так и не предложил стройную теорию, ограничившись разнообразными историями и общими фразами. Но, как я понимаю, смысл такой. Что интересно, я сейчас вспоминаю, что точно такая же тактика используется и в отношении взрослых людей. Вроде это есть в книгах «Трудные разговоры» и/или «Ругаться нельзя мириться». В любом случаи, смысл в том, что это уже было и было по отношению к взрослым. Вот только в данном случаи меня беспокоит один вопрос: а ребёнок-то способен понять? Ведь если это годовалый или даже двухлетний, у них же мозг ещё находится в процессе развития, у них совершенно другое сознание (если куклу закрыть ширмой, то маленький ребёнок скажет, что кукла исчезла, а не что она находится за ширмой (если я не путаю эксперимент)). Другими словами, встаёт вопрос эффективности предлагаемого метода воспитания. Или мы можем даже сказать, что в книге слабо представлен критический взгляд на теорию. Нет, я не спорю в целом с новым предлагаемым методом (нечто похожее – отказ от наград и наказания – уже предлагался в книге «Наказание наградой» Альфи Кон). У меня вопрос к эффективности именно одной его части, той, что предлагается в книге. К примеру, если ребёнок (используя пример из книги) не успокоится и продолжит требовать своего жирафика (игрушка), о котором пишет автор? У автора получается, что ребёнок успокоится после «задушевного разговора», но где факты?
Далее. Примеры, что приводит автор, все они изображают родителей-экстравертов, а как быть с интровертами (это особенно видно с примером трёх отцов в конце книги)? Автор описывает их поведение так, что я не могу отделаться от мысли, что вижу какую-то фальшивую весёлость отца интересующегося делами сына. Такой стиль поведения определённо не для меня и не для других интровертов. Т.е. опять возвращаемся в начало, к теме, как вести себя. И плюс, поведение иллюстрированное примерами определённо подойдёт не всем, т.к. дети-интроверты могут воспротивиться этим задушевным разговорам с родителями.
Those who are fond of books on psychology know that there are two quite popular authors who write about relationships or, more generally, about psychology. Both Daniel Goleman and John M. Gottman are known for their two books (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ). Therefore, it was interesting to know how it would be possible to combine these two authors, because the themes of "emotional intelligence" and "family relations" (building a strong marriage and strengthening it) still differ. It's like combining Iron Man and Batman in one film. Most often, such films are not very successful. We can say that in our case, it was not very successful as well.
Perhaps, this book is intended only for those who already have babies. This is one version why I was not thrilled with the book. Another version is that the book just didn't succeed.
Let's take the main idea of the whole book, namely, the creation or cultivation of emotional intelligence. The book does not offer a clear and precise theory. Moreover, the author has actually buried this idea under a lot of unnecessary examples, stories and, in general, unnecessary text. If we squeeze it all out, we'll end up with one or two sentences: treat children like you treat adults, in terms of trying to understand and comprehend the emotions of another person. It is as if we work not only on a rational level, but also on an emotional level. That's how it works. Perhaps I am not precise, because the author has not proposed a coherent theory, limiting himself to a variety of stories and general phrases. But, as I understand it, the meaning is this. What's interesting is that I remember now that the same tactics are used for adults. It seems to be in the books "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" and/or "Feeling Good Together" by David D. Burns. In any case, the point is that it was and has been in relation to adults. But in this case I am concerned about one question: is the child able to understand? After all, if it's a one-year-old or even two-year-old, they still have a brain in the process of development, they have a completely different consciousness (if the doll is covered with a screen, the little child will say that the doll has disappeared, not that it is behind the screen (if I don't confuse the experiment)). In other words, there is a question of the effectiveness of the proposed method of upbringing. Or we can even say that the book does not provide a critical view of the theory. No, I don't argue with the new proposed method in general (something similar - the rejection of awards and punishment - has already been proposed in Alfie Kohn's book "Punished by Rewards"). I have a question about the effectiveness of one part of it, the one proposed in the book. For example, what if a child (using an example from the book) does not calm down and continues to demand his giraffe (a toy), which the author writes about? The author shows that the child will calm down after a "heartfelt conversation" (intimate conversation), but where are the facts?
Next. The examples given by the author are all examples of extrovert parents, but what about introverts (this is especially evident with the example of three fathers at the end of the book)? The author describes their behavior in such a way that I can't get rid of the idea that I see some fake cheerfulness of a father interested in his son's affairs. This style of behavior is definitely not for me or for other introverts. I.e. we go back to the beginning, to the topic of how to behave. And plus, the behavior that is illustrated with examples will definitely not suit everyone, because children introverts can resist these intimate conversations with parents.
April 11, 2022
Στο βιβλίο εντασσόμαστε στην έννοια της συναισθηματικής νοημοσύνης και το πόσο σημαντική είναι για την μετέπειτα εξέλιξη του ατόμου. Θεωρώ λίγο άστοχα τα τεστ του βιβλίου, αλλά γενικά συμφωνώ με τα βασικά χαρακτηριστικά που δίνονται, δεδομένων και των πειραμάτων/αποδείξεων που παρατίθενται.
Θα ήθελα να μπορώ να θυμάμαι όλα τα βασικά στοιχεία μέχρι να έρθει η κατάλληλη στιγμή, αλλά πολύ φοβάμαι ότι αν δεν έχεις μεγαλώσει με τον υποδειγματικό τρόπο που υποδεικνύεται, πολλές αυτόματες αντιδράσεις θα είναι λάθος.
Παρ' όλ' αυτά, έστω και μια φορά να αντιδράσουμε αλλιώς ίσως κάνει τη διαφορά...
Θα ήθελα να μπορώ να θυμάμαι όλα τα βασικά στοιχεία μέχρι να έρθει η κατάλληλη στιγμή, αλλά πολύ φοβάμαι ότι αν δεν έχεις μεγαλώσει με τον υποδειγματικό τρόπο που υποδεικνύεται, πολλές αυτόματες αντιδράσεις θα είναι λάθος.
Παρ' όλ' αυτά, έστω και μια φορά να αντιδράσουμε αλλιώς ίσως κάνει τη διαφορά...
January 10, 2024
Started this hoping to learn more about child behavior and came away with such meaningful, practical strategies to improve my own emotional regulation, personal relationships, and future family. A must read in my eyes.
July 27, 2024
Gottman and his wife are an example of the handful of psychologists that produce work for popular culture that is still respected in the scientific community. Having read their previously I wanted to return to their work for personal growth and found this book was a great starting point for me for reparenting. I also highly recommend this book for anyone with children or that works with children to foster their emotional growth.
January 31, 2024
Η έκφραση της κατανόησης είναι η σημαντικότερη όλων στην ανατροφή ενός παιδιού
Σίγουρα το να μεγαλώνει κανείς ένα παιδί δεν είναι εύκολη υπόθεση ούτε φυσικά υπάρχει εγχειρίδιο γι'αυτό. Ωστόσο, σε αυτό το βιβλίο ο Gottman προσφέρει απλόχερα γνώση στο πώς να δημιουργήσουμε αυθεντικές σχέσεις με τα παιδιά μας αλλά κυρίως στο πώς να τα καθοδηγούμε να αναγνωρίσουν τα συναισθήματά τους (μέσα φυσικά από τη δική μας πρώτα αναγνώριση) και έπειτα να τα διαχειριστούν και να προχωρήσουν στα καθήκοντά τους.
Υπάρχουν πάρα πολλά παραδείγματα και καλά αλλά και προς αποφυγήν μέσα από τα οποία μπορούμε να υιοθετήσουμε "τεχνικές" και "κόλπα" ώστε να ανιχνεύσουμε τις βαθύτερες ψυχολογικές ανάγκες των παιδιών μας ώστε να μπορέσουν και αυτά να πορευτούν συναισθηματικά υγιή στην πορεία της ζωής τους.
Ένα βιβλίο για όλους όσοι επιθυμούν να γίνουν γονείς και όχι μόνο. 5/5
Σίγουρα το να μεγαλώνει κανείς ένα παιδί δεν είναι εύκολη υπόθεση ούτε φυσικά υπάρχει εγχειρίδιο γι'αυτό. Ωστόσο, σε αυτό το βιβλίο ο Gottman προσφέρει απλόχερα γνώση στο πώς να δημιουργήσουμε αυθεντικές σχέσεις με τα παιδιά μας αλλά κυρίως στο πώς να τα καθοδηγούμε να αναγνωρίσουν τα συναισθήματά τους (μέσα φυσικά από τη δική μας πρώτα αναγνώριση) και έπειτα να τα διαχειριστούν και να προχωρήσουν στα καθήκοντά τους.
Υπάρχουν πάρα πολλά παραδείγματα και καλά αλλά και προς αποφυγήν μέσα από τα οποία μπορούμε να υιοθετήσουμε "τεχνικές" και "κόλπα" ώστε να ανιχνεύσουμε τις βαθύτερες ψυχολογικές ανάγκες των παιδιών μας ώστε να μπορέσουν και αυτά να πορευτούν συναισθηματικά υγιή στην πορεία της ζωής τους.
Ένα βιβλίο για όλους όσοι επιθυμούν να γίνουν γονείς και όχι μόνο. 5/5
February 19, 2021
Loved this book. I feel like it's something you can read no matter how old your child is. I'm sure it will be one that I will revisit as I enter different ages of parenting. As I read more books to become more intentional in my parenting it seems like the underlying 'secret' to it all is creating and maintaining a connection with your kids. This book also talked a lot about becoming emotionally intelligent yourself so you can mirror behaviors to your child. Since I started reading this one I feel like all we have talked about in our house is our feelings all of the time! That being said, I do think I have been able to see positive changes already.
May 31, 2023
A fairly short, potentially valuable read for those looking for a good-faith approach to helping their child build emotional and social intelligence.
(I'd recommend some skimming, particularly if you don't need much convincing that emotion coaching is a healthy approach to child rearing.)
I fully acknowledge that I am a parent of two middle schoolers, and so particularly in need of ANYTHING that could help me help them navigate relationally. And I do appreciate some of the solid takeaways that one can certainly glean amid the semi-regular bouts of naivete. (Unfortunately, there's not much here by way of helping you tailor the concept of Emotion Coaching to your children's very individual personalities.) Instead, the author offers what feels like a somewhat reductionist perspective on what he labels the four types of parental responsiveness:
1. The Dismissive Parent - the type who minimize emotional states and offer diversions.
2. The Disapproving Parent - the type who ignore/actively mock their child's undesirable emotions.
3. The Laissez-Faire Parent - the type who acknowledge/validate but offer no emotional resolution.
4. The Emotion Coach Parent - the type who empathizes with and values their child's emotions, soothes them, and offers active guidance on emotional regulation.
Pretty obvious which kind of parent we should all be striving for, right?
The author makes it clear that nobody is getting it right 100% of the time, and all parents are going to trend toward one of the first three types. (I'll go ahead and cop to the Laissez-Faire approach. I'm a Xennial--reared by boomers--who didn't have the first clue about emotional regulation until well into adulthood.) So as far as the know-thyself aspect goes, this book was helpful for giving vocabulary terms to tendencies I could only put instinct to previously.
Then we get to the meat of this book: the Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
(1) Awareness of the child’s emotions.
(2) Recognizing said emotions as an opportunity for teaching.
(3) Listening to and validating the child’s feelings.
(4) Helping the child label emotions out loud.
(5) Setting limits while also helping the child problem-solve... All while making it clear to the child that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.
Gottman's prose is serviceable; if a bit dry and dated. And it generally feels like there's enough word padding that this book could be cut down to about half of its current length. (I hope they might consider abridging it in a more recent edition.) As some have already pointed out, their target audience (parents) are some of the most pressed-for-time out of the entire population.
If there is an update, I hope he'll consider adding in research regarding neural plasticity--with emphasis on the fact that it's never too late to pull out of a parental nosedive.
(I'd recommend some skimming, particularly if you don't need much convincing that emotion coaching is a healthy approach to child rearing.)
I fully acknowledge that I am a parent of two middle schoolers, and so particularly in need of ANYTHING that could help me help them navigate relationally. And I do appreciate some of the solid takeaways that one can certainly glean amid the semi-regular bouts of naivete. (Unfortunately, there's not much here by way of helping you tailor the concept of Emotion Coaching to your children's very individual personalities.) Instead, the author offers what feels like a somewhat reductionist perspective on what he labels the four types of parental responsiveness:
1. The Dismissive Parent - the type who minimize emotional states and offer diversions.
2. The Disapproving Parent - the type who ignore/actively mock their child's undesirable emotions.
3. The Laissez-Faire Parent - the type who acknowledge/validate but offer no emotional resolution.
4. The Emotion Coach Parent - the type who empathizes with and values their child's emotions, soothes them, and offers active guidance on emotional regulation.
Pretty obvious which kind of parent we should all be striving for, right?
The author makes it clear that nobody is getting it right 100% of the time, and all parents are going to trend toward one of the first three types. (I'll go ahead and cop to the Laissez-Faire approach. I'm a Xennial--reared by boomers--who didn't have the first clue about emotional regulation until well into adulthood.) So as far as the know-thyself aspect goes, this book was helpful for giving vocabulary terms to tendencies I could only put instinct to previously.
Then we get to the meat of this book: the Five Steps of Emotion Coaching
(1) Awareness of the child’s emotions.
(2) Recognizing said emotions as an opportunity for teaching.
(3) Listening to and validating the child’s feelings.
(4) Helping the child label emotions out loud.
(5) Setting limits while also helping the child problem-solve... All while making it clear to the child that all feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors are.
Gottman's prose is serviceable; if a bit dry and dated. And it generally feels like there's enough word padding that this book could be cut down to about half of its current length. (I hope they might consider abridging it in a more recent edition.) As some have already pointed out, their target audience (parents) are some of the most pressed-for-time out of the entire population.
If there is an update, I hope he'll consider adding in research regarding neural plasticity--with emphasis on the fact that it's never too late to pull out of a parental nosedive.
October 5, 2008
One thing my mother always told me was that she believes children are people too, and adults should remember that. Essentially, that is the message John Gottman seeks to deliver in Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child.
As a parent I found the book helpful because it gives five "rules" for responding when your child is emotional. I find, that as my son gets older, my impulse is to expect him to keep his emotions more under control. But that expectation is sometimes unreasonable; I need to remember that he needs training and practice to be able to handle his emotions.
Children really feel everything and they express it fully. That's why they can go from laughing to crying in seconds, and screaming with anger to seeming fine a few minutes later. This lability causes adults to believe that children's emotions aren't real.
I didn't need the first third of the book, devoted to convincing the reader that they need the need the rest of the book, so I skimmed those parts. But I did need the bulk of the book. I have, in the five years since my son was born, learned these techniques (or ones similar to them) and forgotten them again several times. The book was a great reminder for me why it is so important to take the time and energy to engage with my children and really help them and me understand what they are feeling and how they can best handle it appropriately.
I especially enjoyed and found helpful the sections showing how to let the child discover the solution for themselves. No one, especially not my older son, likes to be told what to do! So more techniques to help him figure out solutions to his problems the better, as far as I'm concerned. I know I'll want to read it again in a few years when the techniques that work best now with a five year old will need to be changed for my son as an eight, twelve, or sixteen year old.
Just as I know that I cannot assume I know or understand everything about another adult, I know that I cannot know or understand everything about my children. But this book has helped me develop some tools so that I can be receptive to hearing from them what they are experiencing. And I need to be receptive, because I want them to keep talking to me for a long time to come.
As a parent I found the book helpful because it gives five "rules" for responding when your child is emotional. I find, that as my son gets older, my impulse is to expect him to keep his emotions more under control. But that expectation is sometimes unreasonable; I need to remember that he needs training and practice to be able to handle his emotions.
Children really feel everything and they express it fully. That's why they can go from laughing to crying in seconds, and screaming with anger to seeming fine a few minutes later. This lability causes adults to believe that children's emotions aren't real.
I didn't need the first third of the book, devoted to convincing the reader that they need the need the rest of the book, so I skimmed those parts. But I did need the bulk of the book. I have, in the five years since my son was born, learned these techniques (or ones similar to them) and forgotten them again several times. The book was a great reminder for me why it is so important to take the time and energy to engage with my children and really help them and me understand what they are feeling and how they can best handle it appropriately.
I especially enjoyed and found helpful the sections showing how to let the child discover the solution for themselves. No one, especially not my older son, likes to be told what to do! So more techniques to help him figure out solutions to his problems the better, as far as I'm concerned. I know I'll want to read it again in a few years when the techniques that work best now with a five year old will need to be changed for my son as an eight, twelve, or sixteen year old.
Just as I know that I cannot assume I know or understand everything about another adult, I know that I cannot know or understand everything about my children. But this book has helped me develop some tools so that I can be receptive to hearing from them what they are experiencing. And I need to be receptive, because I want them to keep talking to me for a long time to come.
May 3, 2018
I wholeheartedly agree with the approach described in the book.
However I just couldn't finish it. The author paints a grim view of the world today using "facts" and scaremongering. In the "good old days", everything was better. Children now have to be taught about HIV in 5th grade (because that's a bad thing?), and it has become too dangerous for them to go play at their neighbour's house.
But the world hasn't become more dangerous, we just only now as a society have finally started addressing the dangers that have always existed. The danger might come under different forms (for example online child grooming), but the danger itself always existed.
Repeatedly, he mentions that teen violence is up, which according to the WHO is just not the case. Teen pregnancy is at an all time low. Drug use is down.
Yet he pictures an epidemic, a generation of broken children caused by sky high divorce rates and unwed women giving birth. He makes the bold statement that children now are less emotionally intelligent than they use to be with nothing to back up that claim.
He seems to hold a very black and white biased view of the world, and that mentality also shows up in his writing and advice, which at times comes off as overly-simplified and two dimensional.
He twists and hand-picks stats to his own benefit, and I wish he addressed issues in a less biased way, because I truly believe that his work and approach could change a lot of lives for the better.
However I just couldn't finish it. The author paints a grim view of the world today using "facts" and scaremongering. In the "good old days", everything was better. Children now have to be taught about HIV in 5th grade (because that's a bad thing?), and it has become too dangerous for them to go play at their neighbour's house.
But the world hasn't become more dangerous, we just only now as a society have finally started addressing the dangers that have always existed. The danger might come under different forms (for example online child grooming), but the danger itself always existed.
Repeatedly, he mentions that teen violence is up, which according to the WHO is just not the case. Teen pregnancy is at an all time low. Drug use is down.
Yet he pictures an epidemic, a generation of broken children caused by sky high divorce rates and unwed women giving birth. He makes the bold statement that children now are less emotionally intelligent than they use to be with nothing to back up that claim.
He seems to hold a very black and white biased view of the world, and that mentality also shows up in his writing and advice, which at times comes off as overly-simplified and two dimensional.
He twists and hand-picks stats to his own benefit, and I wish he addressed issues in a less biased way, because I truly believe that his work and approach could change a lot of lives for the better.
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