Loving my lying, dying, cheating husband: A memoir of a whirlwind romance gone wrong

by Kerstin Pilz

Kerstin is childless by choice and married to her job when Gianni, a charming Italian, turns her life into a champagne-coloured fairy tale.

Soon after their runaway wedding, Gianni is diagnosed with cancer and Kerstin becomes his dedicated carer. But when she discovers that he has been cheating on her all through their relationship, she is faced with a difficult walk away, or continue to care for the man who betrayed her. She turns first to wine and then to therapy, eventually ending up in a Buddhist monastery. There she realises that finding a new way of loving her lying, dying husband might offer a chance to grow from her pain rather than be crushed by it - and to avoid liver damage.

Written with wisdom, humour and unfailing kindness, this is a life-affirming tale of one woman's search for better ways to love, grieve and forgive.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Audiobook

386 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 27, 2024

Reviews

[Suz · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a ride Kerstin has had. The way in which she carried herself in growth, not regret/derision/resentment/regret gave me pause. All the assumed reactions!

Kerstin, the woman, is so many things. Academic, turned writer, turned traveller, turned accidental pilgrim. I believe the calibre of writing is extraordinary. The author’s experience is horrific in human nature terms, what happened in her marriage and the speed with which everything tumbled was all at once hefty, depressing and quite simply a lot. The telling of this never left me feeling low, in fact I felt converse feelings. In awe of the way she carried herself putting one foot ahead of the other, to best help her husband and in turn herself. The sign of a good read makes me question what I would do, which makes me learn so much.

The title states the obvious, I cringed as Kerstin stated the clear personality traits in a man who was not as he appeared, but again, this turned around as I realised the author clearly was not angry and resentful as time continued. The years in between the awful experience to the book’s fruition produced a woman flipped by the negative, into growth, acceptance, and learning. The author accessed this via many avenues both spiritually and physically. Yoga, meditation, the ability to travel, relentlessly digging deep.

“..writing became my voice so I could come the heroine, not the victim in my own story.”
“But the hard work like the fisher folk on the river casting and recasting their nets, is something each one of us has to do for ourselves.”

This book will help others, it will challenge reader’s perceptions of 'a woman scorned'. I was in awe that these were not feelings of regret, derision, or resentment. Kirsten’s actions gave me pause, and as all my reading friends know, I love to learn from every book I read.

I learned a lot in this an articulate, emotionally charged yet understated book. She does not jump up and down and question why me, she found out what her spot is in the world and has catapulted from the springboard that is life and is now thriving and teaching others.

Not only is this a wonderfully engaging and well articulated memoir, the writing flows seamlessly. I got to know all of the characters, the friends in Mission Beach, all the folk she ran into on her travels. I see the author in her current life, sharing the craft of writing and guiding yoga instruction as the holistic outcome of a thoroughly engrossing journey. My uni could do with this calibre of teacher, but I understand the change in direction, and those who are able to work with her will be all the more luckier for this.

I listened to this via the Libby app and my public library. Immaculately narrated by Jo Van Es, the fluency in other languages amazing, the accents wonderful.

[Nunyah Biznuss · Rating 5 out of 5]

What if as your husband lay dying in hospital, you discovered he had not one but at least three other lovers?

Would you keep caring for him as cancer slowly claimed his life, or leave him to die alone?

Kerstin falls in love with Gianni, a totally charming Italian, on an academic cruise ship where she’s a lecturer. I was a little OMG, REALLY at their whirlwind romance, and definitely cringing when married on the ship (and then again later, back in Australia). For me, it was all too good to be true vibes.

Gianni is self-absorbed from the start; Kerstin calls him a narcissist. He takes frequent trips to Italy to sort out obscure tax bills or see his elderly mother. There’s also family tensions. His daughter doesn’t like Kerstin, and back in Germany, Kerstin’s parents don’t like Gianni.

Soon after their return to Australia, Gianni is diagnosed with cancer. The cancer spreads and becomes terminal. While caring for him, Kerstin discovers the depth of his betrayals. The man she married is a Pandora’s Box of secrets, lies and affairs.

Kerstin bravely decides to stay with Gianni and care for him until the end.

The second part of the book follows Kerstin as she tries to heal, to reconcile betrayal with alcohol, therapy, yoga, meditation and finally, Buddhism. I was a little scared this was going to be another woo-woo, whingy Eat, Pray, Love-type narrative - but it wasn’t.

Kerstin’s journey is deep and honest, nothing like the saccharine fluff that Elizabeth Gilbert fooled the world with. Unlike Gilbert who achieves NOTHING in EPL, Kerstin actually does the work. She uses Gianni’s cheating and death to find forgiveness, wholeness and contentment with all that life offers, both good and bad.

I loved the book and that will stay with me for a long time, a gentle hug during a difficult time.

*Many thanks to Kerstin & Affirm Press for surprising me with an ARC. This is my honest review.

[Michelle Long · Rating 3 out of 5]

First half was great, very true crime-ish and reminded me of Dr Death S2....but then it deteriorated into an Eat Pray Love spiritual journey memoir which I found boring.

[Jessica Fealy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful book by a local FNQ lady from Mission Beach. I have followed Kerstin online for May years dreaming of attending one of her writing retreats. Have loved following her journey. Loved, loved her memoir ❤️. A pretty wild story of love and loss and finding happiness despite it all. Loved learning a few Buddhist stories & lessons for life via this book.

[MargieB · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant , devoured it. Written with humour, honesty and bravery. A heart wrenching memoir that will stay in your consciousness for a while. Thought provoking and inspiring too. Will recommend to lovers of travel and self development.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn’t put this memoir down. It is one of those tales that you might wonder at being almost too far-fetched if presented to you as a fictional novel but it’s real (so real!), and rolls along with heart-wrenching twists and turns amidst moments of peace and growth. As a fan of the power of both writing and travelling for growth and healing, this story appealed to me from all angles. Highly recommended!

[Olivia Kurczycki · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was an interesting read but the second half of the book lost my interest. I found at times it was unnecessarily repeating contexts that had already been stated.

[Denise Abfalter · Rating 2 out of 5]

First half was great, second half was giving white saviour

[Fadila Huda · Rating 3 out of 5]

This woman is so not relatable but good for her xx

[Sanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very interesting read/listen.
I listened to the audiobook that was made available on our library app and I went into it with low expectations. Actually, I didn't even realise it was a memoir until I was a few chapters in and I double checked.

I was super hooked to the book and listened to it basically in 2 goes (happened to be moving so I had a lot of listening time packing/unpacking). Maybe I relate a bit in the lifestyle.
I'm originally from the Netherlands, moved around some time, lived in Australia for 5 years and now am in New Zealand and also choosing to be child free.

It's an incredible story and I feel for Kerstin that Giovanni was such a narcissist and betrayed her so deeply... but respect her that she stayed with him until the end.
I do find it heartbreaking to hear that she carried that big secret with her for so long and didn't have anyone to confide in. Is that maybe the reason she spiraled so much? But then listening to her parents being upset with her for being sad and even her best friend go 'Why are you still not happy'. That baffled me. Times must've changed somewhat surely?

As an atheist myself I found it interesting to read her journey into Buddhism and the extremes really.

I do wish there was a chapter as well about her coming clean to her friends and family and I wonder what their response was. What about Claire? Her mum and dad? Pat? Or Anca the psychotherapist friend?

I'm glad she got her healing and her story told and found a new path.

[Daniella]

No rating cause memoir but overall I think was an interesting topic but not really one I got a whole lot out of.

I think there's something to be said for grace and forgiveness in the face of death, but I also don't think you should be obligated to make someone's end of life better when they made you feel genuinely crap (and the author seems to have struggled with his actions for a long time afterwards even with this grace period). It was interesting to read from this perspective though, and to see her going on a spiritual journey about love and death.

Not really sure who I would recommend this to as it wasn't really my thing, but weirdly I can add this to my 'books I picked up and then realised there's a peripheral Italo Calvino connection' list which was unexpected.

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was totally sucked in by the title of this memoir and it had all the ingredients for a compelling read (grief, someone in a caring role, a narcissist) but unfortunately it fell short of expectations. I whizzed through the first half, as Pilz (a German academic who has lived in Australia for many years) described meeting her charismatic husband, Gianni - their whirlwind romance, his charm, and the exciting life they began to build together. However, Gianni is diagnosed with melanoma, and there's one health battle after another. During one of his hospital stays, Pilz discovers he has been unfaithful.

The second half of the book is Pilz's version of Eat, Pray, Love (despite my love for Elizabeth Gilbert, I loathed Eat, Pray, Love, which at the time I found to be privileged). Pilz goes on many trips for the purpose of meditation, seeking answers for her anger and trying to understand her grief. It was repetitive and I had the sense that despite the meditation sessions, Pilz continued to look outward for answers (as I frequently remind clients, when we are the 'victim', we have no responsibility - it's an interesting position to choose).

Incidentally, the most interesting parts of the book were not about Pilz but her parents, inter-generational trauma and the chapter titled 'Grief German-style'. Pilz travelled to Germany during her mourning, expecting comfort from her parents, and was disappointed -

Like millions of German war children, my parents were never allowed to grieve. Don't look back, don't look inside, just look forward, move on as quickly as possible, they were told. The unspeakable was never to be spoken of. An entire generation of traumatised children were told to forget, erase, deny. The past was to be thought of as a charcter-building experience.

She compares her childhood experience (in the 1970s) of German history, where school history classes dealt exclusively with WWII (she remebers nothing about any other period, such as the French Revolution of the Vietnam War) -

We did the important work of Vergangenheitsbewältigung, coming to terms with the past, and I am so grateful for it.

But as she discovers, applying that 'work' to one's personal life is a whole lot more difficult.

2.5/5

[Jillwilson · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Forgiveness, I learned, is an act of self-healing. Despite everything, we found a new way of loving, and a sense of peace… Forgiving the person who hurt me set me free. But I wasn’t prepared for the arrows of grief. Death, I discovered, is never the end of the story, and more disruption was coming my way.” So writes Kertstin Pilz of the death of her husband and her subsequent responses. In many ways this was of most interest to me – how do you cope with grief after the death of a loved one, specially when there is anger attached to that grief?

Like the book ‘Trust’ which I also read recently, the central male in the story is a charismatic bullshit artist. Pilz falls in love quickly and she and Gianni decide to get married almost on a whim. But Gianni has several other women on the go though Kerstin is not aware of this. And he is not well – experiencing firstly a melanoma, before a and fall on the cruise ship they are on, followed by a return of the cancer.

I don’t want to say too much about the book excepting to say that I think it is an honest and well-written memoir of an interesting relationship and a good depiction of how one woman struggles to be more resilient and the things that help her get there. The story is (almost) all in the title.

[Kirsten · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not enjoy the way this was written, it felt very self-indulgent

[Brooke Alice (brookes.bookstagram) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a beautiful and eloquent memoir, written by Kerstin Pilz. The journey of her life can appear so farfetched that it almost reads like a fiction. My heart felt so uplifted when Kerstin met Gianni and was whisked away by his charm and charisma.

Soon after their whirlwind marriage whilst living on an educational cruise ship for months, Gianni is diagnosed with cancer and Kerstin becomes his carer. As Gianni continues his fight, he still attempts to maintain connection with his family from Italy and tries to travel as much as possible under the guise of caring for his elderly mother. When Gianni becomes too weak, Kerstin has to utilise his computer to support him, and in this lies deep dark secrets, his multiple affairs.

The first part of this book focusses on their life, discovering Gianni's secret, uncovering his narcissism and exploring whether to stay an honour her dying husband. The second half of the book follows Kerstin after Gianni's death and her journey of healing, forgiveness and self discovery.

I felt I really enjoyed the before and after narrative, as this is Kerstin's life, and her life is so much more than a loving wife caring for her terminally ill husband in the wake of a harrowing discovery. I felt it allowed the book to come full circle, and really appreciate Kerstin's life beyond her marriage and allowed us to flow along with her beyond this.

Thank you to Affirm Press for gifting me a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Emma van Dijk · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book! What a crazy whirlwind, Kerstin really can't catch a break.

In the book she learns to come to terms with her husband being someone different to who she thought, suppressing her own anguish at finding out he cheated to put his needs above her own. Being his nurse rather than lover in the end. And giving him what he needs to have his peaceful last years.

Having insight to her parents individual issues and learning how to coexist with them. How to be aware of their traumas, but not get sucked into them and take their burdens onto herself.

Then dealing with the grief of losing her husband to cancer and mourning him, even though he had betrayed her. Struggling with the love she felt for him vs the pain he put her through.

And eventually being comfortable enough in herself to go on her own path of enlightenment. And doing the opposite of what her friends and family reccommend she does, or think is healthy for her.

I think my favourite thing about the book is; Kerstin doesn't pretend to be better than anyone, because she was able to put her own heartache aside to care for her husband.
And she doesn't pretend to be saintly because she goes on a path of enlightment, meditation and yoga retreats.
She lays her flaws out for all to see and doesn't pretend to be anything she is not.

[Alex Soong · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book about two opposite poles of human behaviour i.e. the narcissistic male coupled with an almost saintly, ever-forgiving female. However the author tells it like it is without any fake emotions, moralising, sentimentality, self-pity or self-justification. That was just the way she felt, no more no less. This is a story of unconditional love and real grief in its loss. Readers will form their own opinion in regard to her conduct and attitude towards her cheating husband. In the end, she appears to have no regrets. Despite all his duplicity, her husband had opened a door for me and woken her up, like a sleepwalker from her sleep.

The prose is surefooted and well paced, easily pulling the reader along in a narrative made absorbing by the fact that it is real life. The author is a fine writer and the book is well worth it.

[Sonia Bellhouse · Rating 5 out of 5]

An interesting book that prompts self-reflection. Initially, it reads like the start of a fairytale a whirlwind romance, with an appealing Italian man. But like most fairy tales there is darkness at its core. In this case, Kerstin discovers that her new husband has cancer. The details of illness and disintegration are realistic and hard to read. Most damaging of all she learns that he has been seeing other women throughout their relationship. This gives her a choice, to leave him when he needs her most, or to stay. It’s a choice that many women would baulk at.
After Gianni dies she is deep in grief as well as finally allowing herself to feel all the feelings she suppressed. For me, this is the book's most honest and thought-provoking part.

[Kirsty Nancarrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kerstin and I shared our writing journeys, and she has produced an absolute page-turner. It takes guts to make your life an open book but Kerstin has done this with charm, humour, honesty, and sensitivity. This is not just a memoir but an invitation to reflect on our own decisions around death and infidelity. I applaud Kerstin for starting an important conversation around grief, which our society often doesn't know how to approach. I love books that move me to tears, cheers, and laughter and Kerstin's memoir did all three.

[Anastasya Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t read memoirs often so don’t know how to rate this. It’s a unique take on dealing with grief. This book could be turned into a movie because there’s scandal, adventure, disaster, but as a memoir, it’s less exciting to read through. Again, I know you can’t look at memoirs like you would a piece of fiction. I respect her penning this piece. It’s not easy to show rather than tell. Not sure how else she could have dealt with that. The parts where she was telling were hardest to get through.

[Joanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a follower of Kerstin's Write your Journey writers group, I have enjoyed her offerings for the past 6 years and was eagerly awaiting the launch of this book - which did not disappoint. It is raw, gives you a naughty giggle and for those on a spiritual path is heart warming and hits home with lots of goosebump moments. 🌟✨️✨️🌟

[Tatia Power · Rating 5 out of 5]

A raw, unfiltered, yet humourous, memoir of loving a narcissistic man who betrays her deeply. When they find out he has cancer, she is left to unpack the emotional wreckage.

Kerstin writes with sharp clarity about grief, gaslighting, and the journey to self-awareness, acceptance, and healing.
📚
As someone who grew up with a narcissistic parent, I resonated with the quiet ways narcissists chip away at your sense of self and the complicated grief you are left why when they are gone.
📚
I'm so grateful to have gotten to know Kerstin recently at our Bali retreat. 💓

[Courtney Hodgson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written memoir.
It didn’t feel like I was reading a memoir - more so a fiction novel that I couldn’t put down.
What an amazing life Kerstin has lived and plenty more life to come.
I look forward to reading her next book if she ever does it again.

[Edwina Shaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful, warm, wise and witty. This compelling story is much more than a story of a cheating husband. It delves deep into what it means to be human and how grief can become a powerful impetus for healing change.

[Gabrielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think she’s a very strong women to survive all this turmoil - cheating husband, strained family and cyclones! I agree with others that the first half was great and a page turner with the non stop drama, but the second half was very eat pray love with constant meditation retreats.

[alina hughes · Rating 5 out of 5]

A compelling story, well written and relatable on many levels including the spiritual.

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fabulous story. Listen to the audiobook.

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a rollicking good read! Kirsten's true-life story about love, death, adventure, loss and redemption is moving, gritty and inspiring. Thoroughly recommended

[Sarah Brade · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great listen.

[B · Rating 2 out of 5]

got to the point where the repetition of everything was too annoying...the first half of the book is fantastic tho