Shanda: A Memoir of Shame and Secrecy

by Letty Cottin Pogrebin, Dina Pearlman (Reader)

An intimate memoir from a founding editor of Ms. magazine who grew up in a Jewish immigrant family mired in secrets, haunted by their dread of shame and stigma, determined to hide their every imperfection—and in denial or despair when they couldn’t.

“A frank and often amusing tabulation of well-kept family secrets... a story of high-stakes melodrama and surreptitious relations, in which runaway brides, false marriages, lost children and other moral crises abound. But there is more here than mishegas .” —Jake Nevins, New York Times

“The richness of Pogrebin’s stories, the complexity and beauty of her storytelling, and her devastatingly honest soul-baring make Shanda a powerfully stunning piece of life and art.”
—Mayim Bialik, actor, author, neuroscientist, and co-host of Jeopardy

The word “shanda” is defined as shame or disgrace in Yiddish. This book, Shanda , tells the story of three generations of complicated, intense 20th-century Jews for whom the desire to fit in and the fear of public humiliation either drove their aspirations or crushed their spirit.

In her deeply engaging, astonishingly candid memoir, author and activist Letty Cottin Pogrebin exposes the fiercely-guarded lies and intricate cover-ups woven by dozens of members of her extended family. Beginning with her own long-suppressed secret, the story spirals through the hidden lives of her parents and relatives—revealing the truth about their origins, personal traumas, marital misery, abandoned children, religious transgressions, sexual identity, radical politics, and supposedly embarrassing illnesses. While unmasking their charades and disguises, Pogrebin also showcases her family’s remarkable talent for reinvention in a narrative that is, by turns, touching, searing, and surprisingly universal.

Genres: Memoir, Jewish, Nonfiction, Book Club, Judaism, Family, Audiobook

15 pages, MP3 CD

Published October 18, 2022

About the author

LETTY COTTIN POGREBIN, a founding editor of Ms. magazine, is a writer, lecturer, social justice activist, and the author of 10 non-fiction works and two novels, most recently, SINGLE JEWISH MALE SEEKING SOUL MATE, Here you can find her biography, a list of her published works, lecture topics, and a schedule of her public events. www.LettyCottinPogrebin.com She's currently at work on SHANDA: A Memoir of Shame and Secrecy.

Reviews

[Lisa]

I wish I remember why I picked this book up, because, while it seems like the type of thing I'd be interested in, it wasn't. After reading half of the book, I didn't really know who the author was (until looking at the synopsis/reviews here), and... it just felt like a meandering telling of a family history that... didn't seem as shocking or surprising as the author thought it was. Which is fine, but it made me appreciate reading Vivian Gornick on similar themes.

[Kathleen Peratis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shanda reminds us that people used to be shocked by shocking things. Seems quaint in these days of too much information. Pogrebin tells tales of the lengths to which so many in her colorful mishpocha went in order to perform a lie or hide the truth. Some will cause you to gasp. Some are pretty funny. But each chapter is a jewel because even if you'd think lying is in her DNA, Pogrebin tells a whole lot of truth in this beautiful book.

[Malka Margolies · Rating 5 out of 5]

A memoir that is universal, insightful, painful and yet at times hilarious. Everyone can relate to this fabulously told story about family shame and secrets written by cofounder of Ms. Magazine, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, whose activism for decades has enriched the lives of so many.

[Wendy Janett · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some aspects of the book are interesting, and the author makes some good points about Jewish shame in particular, but most of the book reads as if she wrote down a long list of everything she was ever ashamed of in her entire life to take to synagogue on Yom Kippur, so as not to forget any of them while atoning. Example: she details how she wasn't nice to her slightly disabled cousin when they were both children. The author is in her 80's, for crying out loud, and the cousin went on to have a productive life!

The organization of the book is choppy, jumping around somewhat randomly in time and divided in vague sections.Some of the chapters were moving, especially when she lets herself or other loved ones off the hook for their "shameful" deeds Overall, the book was a disappointment, though I have enjoyed other writings by this author.

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I abandoned this book near the halfway point. Nineteen chapters of a very accomplished and intelligent woman (a co-founder of Ms. Magazine) moaning about how her parents hid the fact that her older sister was only a half sister, was all I could take. The book is ostensibly about the fear of “shanda” or shame and how it controlled women’s lives in the early 20th century. However, what overshadows that interesting subject is the author’s overblown and endlessly expressed sense of personal betrayal and anger.

[Maury · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting look at a world that is mostly gone. The author is a tad too self-righteous (in many places I wanted to tell her to get over herself). And she clearly hasn't made peace with her (deceased) father, but I think the anger is more about his remarriage than, his supposed "betrayal" at not telling her about having been divorced prior to marrying her (also divorced) mother until that secret was revealed by a relative when she was in her teens. After all, she managed to forgive her mother in time, and the chapter about his shiva and funeral were telling.

Generally, I think Pogrebin got entirely too caught up in her theme, and applied it too broadly.

[Karin Lippert · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book by my friend Letty Cottin Pogrebin both riveting and totally illuminating. Her story is both dramatic and human in ways we can all identify with because all our families have secrets. Letty has essentially given us permission to reexamine our family's history and tell their stories. It's a process that can be liberating, make us both stronger and more compassionate. The book is a gift to those of us who have locked our family history in the corner closet of our minds and hearts.

[Hillary Berman · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not sure how this one made it onto my radar, but it wasn't for me. Bagging it 1/4 of the way in. I'm sure the family history is interesting to the author's friends and family, but her parents unhappy marriage (or bad communications) aren't super unique or shocking (or therefore interesting) to me. The Judaism felt somewhat forced.

[Ann G. Daniels]

Oy, a shanda far di goyim! I very much liked the last chapter, and the Author’s Note is brilliant. In between … Pogrebin is a brilliant writer, but I felt this read like a bunch of essays insufficiently connected and desperately under-edited. At some point, I also became overwhelmed and began to question her ideas about shame in light of what to me read like an enormous recounting of things Pogrebin regretted. But regret isn’t the same as shame, and I think Pogrebin paints with too wide a brush. Still, if you’ve ever wondered about Jews and shame, this could be your new favorite book.

[T. · Rating 5 out of 5]

It Would Have Been a Shanda

…not to read this book.
When I saw the title of this book, brought back to memory my grandmother, who I adored . I can remember her voiced opinion whenever some well known Jewish celebrity committed something “wrong” . It was a shame and a Shanda to all Jewish people.

Some of Letty’s life parallel mine. I fe

[Miriam · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was disappointing. Long and meandering, filled with conjecture about why deceased family members had acted in certain ways decades ago. Frustrating and disappointing in particular to read the chapters on cancel culture, #MeToo, and the not-named Steven Cohen. Those chapters exemplified the disconnect between second wave feminism and the activists of today.

[Rachel Rosenheck · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was terribly disappointed in this book. I read 140+ pages, and put it down for good. The author's expectations of her life and her family were unrealistic, the 'lies' nothing that could sustain a book, at least 25% of the way in. I found it self-absorbed, not absorbing, and put it down for a more interesting read.

[Sharon · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book about family shame, cultural shame in the context of a Jewish family circa early 1900s and spanning through the decades. Well-written, but somewhat longer than I thought it needed to be. I also disagreed with some of the author's view of present-day issues.

[Barbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exceptionally, compellingly, well-written, and yet.

I found myself both mesmerized and somewhat repelled by this book. It is brilliant. It is encyclopedic. But I have questions. Can we have coffee sometime soon and discuss?

[thewanderingjew · Rating 3 out of 5]

Shanda, Letty Cottin Pogrebin, author; Dina Pearlman, narrator
Letty Pogrebin has written an interesting memoir that will take many readers down a path called memory lane. Some, like the author, will remember the past with a lot of resentment and anger. Some, like me, will remember the past with nostalgia and warmth, rather than judgment and bitterness. While she remembers shame and guilt, I remember the confidence instilled in me to seek success and the genuine pride I felt for my achievements. Yes, there were inequities, boys were given advantages over girls, but that made us work harder, not more resentful. We wanted to prove we were worthy, and we did. It inspired us.
Although I had many of the same memories of things like the Catskills, a “knippel”, mad money, the big “C” referring to Cancer, the need to spit 3 times to ward off the evil spirit, the giving of an additional name to save the life of a sick person, sitting shiva for someone who married outside the faith, the altered birth dates and surnames, my recollections of those traditions and behaviors are not angry. Legitimate reasons brought about that behavior. For instance, even when I was punished or reprimanded, as a child or even as an adult, I always believed, and still do, that my family had my best interest at heart. They were not trying to shame me in public or make me feel guilty. They were trying to teach me appropriate behavior so that I could navigate the world that would inevitably try to knock me down. The author seems to judge others by a standard that is unrealistic for the past, though it might work in the present with its emphasis on emotional reactions rather than rational ones.
When I learned about a knippel, it was meant to protect me in an emergency. My definition of an emergency and Letty’s were quite different. When she took her mother’s knippel, secretly, and then proceeded to buy a car with it, followed by borrowing money from her disadvantaged sister, Faith, I wondered how she did not feel legitimate guilt for that behavior? I never expected my parents to provide for my needs when I was in college. I got a job and did not complain about not having enough money. I did what I could to make my life and their life easier. I never felt that my parents or family members actually intended to shame me, although I may have felt shamed at times, I do not believe for one moment that it was their intent. Their intent was to teach me appropriate behavior. Jews were very interested in the appearance of morality and ethics, but perhaps, in hindsight, and not so much today. Many people seem to accept any use of any means to justify any end they prefer, not only in their personal lives, but everywhere they live and work.
When the big “C” was used, it was my parent’s effort to keep Cancer from our door. When my mom had two birth dates, it was because she had no birth certificate, having been born at home. When my dad parked around the corner so he could go to work on Jewish holidays, it was not because he was ashamed, it was because he had to work and didn’t want to cause the neighbors the shame of witnessing his transgression. It was simply necessary for him to work to provide for his family. Rules were bent because of survival. Yes, we kept our ghosts in closets; alcoholics were not outed, gays were not outed, nor were they overtly shamed as they are today. Their behavior was not outrageous either. Families did what they could with the tools available to protect each other. Is it really necessary for anyone to know every single thing about each other? Is that lying or keeping some things personal, where they should be? Shouldn’t some things remain private? If I can do nothing to help a person, what is the purpose of telling me? Is it so that person unloading feels better and I feel worse for being helpless? Is that what shame and guilt are about? Perhaps the very people railing about shame causing guilt, are really trying to make people feel guilt for not being ashamed enough. Perhaps they are guilty of practicing the same behavior to which they object.
Names were changed because of antisemitism, not because Jews were arrogant or trying to pass as something else. They were trying to get a job based on their qualifications, since the box they checked did not give them a leg up, it tied them down. I disagree with the author’s perception about Israel, as well. She obviously does not support Netanyahu or his polices, nor does she support the former President who brought us the Abraham Accords, and she makes that quite apparent. Yet, while she abhors the horrors of the Holocaust, she doesn’t seem to acknowledge that without a Jewish state that is able to protect itself, there would be no Jewish state and there could possibly be another Holocaust in our future. In the same way, while she writes: “The Holocaust didn’t happen because so many jews lost their courage, but because so many Christians lost their humanity” … she doesn’t realize that the same thing is happening today with American politics. One side is treating the other with disdain and is attempting to erase them by marginalizing them. Are we not losing our own humanity by censoring all other ideas but our own and attacking all those who disagree with us, making up charges and crimes to demonize them? Is the author unaware of the behavior going on around her? It is about perception, and the perception she presents about Jews is negative, not positive. My opinion about Jews is positive. We are people of the book who strive to do better and make the world better for all those in it.
So, as a Jew who identifies with a great many of Letty’s memories, although not with the same angst or judgment, I was conflicted about the writing of this review. If I don’t agree with her, am I therefore guilty of trying to shame her? I have information at my fingertips, provided by her, which is what forms my opinions about her, yet, if I am honest, will those that support Letty Pogrebin try and shame me so that I feel guilty about what I am thinking, although that is the very behavior they are railing against? It is a conundrum, a conflict, an enigma. Do I simply accept what she wrote as her opinion, but not my own, and keep silent about it? Isn’t that called the lie of omission? Isnt that the lie she most resents?
I found, unlike Letty, that in my life, though I didn’t have the perfect childhood, whatever my parents taught me stood me in good stead. I was taught values, morality and a desire to do my best. I was also taught to be charitable and kind. I was not taught to be jealous or resentful, which seems to be a character trait the author has carried with her for her entire life. She is very judgmental at all times rather than forgiving, Thus, she is always forced to rethink her behavior and the behavior of others. Has her parent’s behavior affected hers toward her own children? Of course, it has as all past experience affects all of our future behavior. Hopefully, however, she, like most of us, did what she thought was best and had no ill intent, no intent to harm. Her anger is not the result of a poor Jewish upbringing, pushing guilt and shame, but the result of her own personality. I found her constant disappointment with others to be “disappointing” to me. Although she blames her Jewish upbringing for the superfluous practice of shame and guilt, which harmed her psyche, she may not realize that her own political statements and comments in the book, were doing exactly that, as she casts aspersions, overtly, on those she disagrees with or that disagree with her. She emphasizes the use of the word Palestine although there is no Palestine today; by royal decree the use of the term was forbidden in 1948. There is a Palestine Liberation Authority, but no country called Palestine. What is the author’s use of the word meant to signify? Is she using the very behavior she rails against…shaming Jews who deny the use of the term Palestine so she can cause guilt, shame and unnecessary conflict.
There are some Jews who are pushy and arrogant, they don’t all live in Israel. There are many who are not Jewish who are pushy and arrogant. Israelis have the right to defend their country and Jews have the right to speak out. Her subtle attacks on Jews and Israel were disappointing to me. The minuscule population of Jews around the world has defied the odds. They continue to survive because they are moral, ethical and on the side of justice and the book. They do not spend all their time holding grudges, but rather building bridges. The book was humorous at times, occasionally bordered on being subtly antisemitic and political biased, and it did cross some lines that I would prefer not to cross. I do not support many of her ideas. Although Pogrebin does not seem to, I will support Israel at all costs; I will always be proud to be a Jew; I will always be proud to be an American. Those beliefs do not cause conflict, they unite us.

[Ryan Levi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Expected a little more of a single narrative as opposed to slightly one off anecdotes. But still an interesting look at secrecy, shame and family history.

[Kendra · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like an episode of This American Life focused on different members of this Jewish-American woman's family. Meandering but compelling, she didn't come to any clear conclusions, but I did enjoy it

[Barbara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book by Letty Cottin Pogrebin, co-founder of Ms. Magazine, covers all the bases of different “ shandas” in her life and that of her family. Despite the 400 pages, I was spellbound and finished the book in less than a week. I appreciated her open minded, caring, and feminist perspective as well as her wit.

[Steve Shepard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Letty Cotton Pogrebin’s book, SHANDA, is a delight to read — insightful, personal, and richly informative. I learned something on nearly every page, about Jewish culture, the concept of shame, and the tension between tradition and honesty. Along the way, Letty’s voice and personality shine through. A real pleasure.

[Teri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Didn't know much about Letty but this one was right up my alley. Interesting and personal account of how she discovered some big family secrets as well as shared the culture of her family which was to hide anything and everything. First read on the kindle in a long time - LA trip

[Lynn Povich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every family has secrets and Letty Cottin Pogrebin's book SHANDA asks us to look deeper into our own family histories. By telling the stories of her parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and kin, the author is telling the truth not only about them and but about her. As she unravels her family's secrets, Pogrebin writes with honesty and courage and moves us with their stories. It places the shame of our families, our religion, our culture and our era in perspective and makes us question where we are today. This original and beautifully written book deserves a place on everyone's bookshelf.

[Fran Sepler · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was an up-and-down reading experience. The first half, focused on the authors intimate family history focused on 20th C Jewish immigrant secrets and Jewish shame. I found some of my own family secrets there, and it was written in a compelling way. The book devolved into a series of more contemporary essays on Zionism, eating disorders, mental illness and other issues which felt like she was cleaning out her closet, and less about her family.
I intend to look into one issue the author talked about. Like many Jews of my generation, I was told that my last name was the product of immigration on Ellis Island not being able to spell or pronounce our name, so created a new, more anglicized name. Apparently this is a story widely told, but the author claims it is apocryphal, and that immigrants themselves made the changes. Given that my name is hardly anglo-saxon, I'm wanting to read this further.

[Herbert Teitelbaum · Rating 5 out of 5]

Letty Cottin Pogrebin's "Shanda: A Memoir of Shame and Secrecy," is a poignant and personal description of family shame and the secrecy and the deceptions that follow. She not only lifts the lid on her family's shame and secrets, but her own as well. It is a brave endeavor that forces us to think about our own shame and secrets and their consequences.

Herbert Teitelbaum

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

SHANDA is an engaging, page-turning read that makes you really think about your own family! You learn a lot about Letty and her history, and you can even laugh a little on the way! You can hear Letty’s voice on each page, and you feel at times like her family is your family. It’s a must read! Highly recommend for any book group or personal read. It's also a great book to inspire personal writing - memoir, or other genres.

[Shira Chiron · Rating 1 out of 5]

VERY DISAPPOINTED

I purchased this book and trudged through it. I did not enjoy it at all. I found it depressing, and a lot of family secrets were revealed that I really think were perhaps cathartic for the author, but certainly not something that I felt enhanced the book at all.
I definitely would not recommend this book

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can I give more than 5 stars?! I loved this book. Related to SOOOO of it! Letty is so brutally honest , sharing painful , honest stories about her family and so much more. I felt like a part of everyone. It stored up so much of the shandas within my own family. Each chapter could be discussed for hours ! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this book !

Ps. The Chinese restaurant on Union Turnpike was King Yum!!!

[Jill M Caldwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally

Finally a book that explains shame and guilt and ties it to experiences. As the granddaughter of Jewish refugees who kept the secret from their own children, I understand more.

[Yenta Knows · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book for the first time in June, 2023. I read it again in March 2024 so I could lead the discussion for the Hadassah book group.

The discussion went very well. I asked a few leading questions, but the participants were so articulate and opinionated it was easy to fill an hour with critiques and stories. Many stories about the shame engendered by family members who were gay, mentally unbalanced, or divorced.


—REVIEW FROM 2023 READING—

Letty’s parents were both married and had children with their earlier spouses before they met and married each other. When they moved to a new neighborhood in Queens, they swore family members to secrecy and presented themselves as “the perfect Jewish couple” — a couple that was not composed of divorcées.

Of course, a secret of that magnitude (especially when there are numerous people sworn to secrecy) cannot be kept indefinitely.

I wish Letty had focused on that central story and told it a little more clearly. I wish she had probed a little more into her parents’ feelings of shame. And what did her numerous aunts, uncles, and cousins think? What did her sister Betty think? Surely someone among these many smart people would have understood that such a secret would be revealed.

Some broader context, such as commentary from psychologists or sociologists would also have been helpful. And why the heck did she not include a family tree??

The last half of the book seemed like filler that only detracted and distracted from the central story. I really did not need to know Letty’s frustration with her high-pitched voice.

I often ask if I’d like to have coffee with an author. In Letty’s case, the answer is yes. It would be both entertaining and thought-provoking.

At the Hadassah book group meeting, I asked if participants would like to have coffee with Letty. The best answer came from “Alice”: “Yes, if she would talk about her experiences with the feminist movement, she was a mover and shaker in the third wave. But she has to keep to that topic.”

[Michele Owrutzky Endick · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was quite excited to start reading this book. However I only got through 117 pages as…I found it tedious and boring to read , at times it read like a thesis… even the font and spacing were like a textbook.
My extended family had plenty of secrets too so why should I take time and be bored by her family’s secrets. The book was too judgmental, too long and her theorizing why her family had secrets is obvious…I certainly would guess that nonJewish families keep secrets as well.
I am truly disappointed but the book frankly could end at 120 pages and gotten its point across.
Sorry to have to give it only 2 stars.

[Roy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This touching book about the author's family and it's secrets that she uncovered during her formative and later years lets one know that our own family stories and shandas are not unique. As long as our parents and siblings are with us, there are unexpected revelations that will surprise us and play with our emotions. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this wonderful book about her, and sometimes my own, family's secrets.