Otherhood: Essays on being childless, childfree and child-adjacent

by Alie Benge (Editor), Lil O'Brien (Editor), Kathryn van Beek (Editor)

In Aotearoa the number of people who will never have children is growing — and they’re pushing back against the narrative that if they don’t, their lives will be somehow ‘less than’.
Otherhood’s essays are by writers who’ve felt on the outside looking in, who’ve lived unexpected lives and who’ve given the finger to social expectations. Some chose to be childfree, some didn’t get to choose and some — through bereavement or blended family dynamics — ask themselves: Am I a mother or am I other?
Thought-provoking, moving and often hilarious, Otherhood opens a more inclusive conversation about what makes a fulfilling life.

Genres: Nonfiction, Essays, Feminism, Parenting, Biography

303 pages, Paperback

Published May 9, 2024

Reviews

[Nat McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really really loved this- such a wide range of stories, people and moods. People who don’t want or can’t have children, queer trans and disabled voices, people who have lost children, foster parents, etc… each one with a great challenge to what we think of when we think of children and family.

Each story had such a clear voice and feeling to it. One to savour, and really glad to read it at this point of my life.

Very privileged to read my good friend Raina Ng’s work in here too. You really feel the bravery in the openness of all of these works.

[Claudia · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.8/5. Basically every essay left me moved. Can’t recommend enough.

[Miz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Aren't people creative? Aren't people amazing? This was such a detailed collection of stories and lived experiences; I felt I resonated with some essays more than others (which is the case with a set of stories like this one).

no other words, just thanks for sharing to all the authors.

[Aleshia Ingham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Currently surrounded by what feels like every second person having babies which has got me questioning all the things and what motherhood means so it was good timing for me to find this book. A thought provoking collection of short stories. Everyone should read this.

[Cassie W · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inhaled this gorgeous essay collection. Highly recommend to anyone and everyone really!
Some of the essays made me cry, many made me laugh, and the thoughts / feelings explored are so very relatable and refreshing to read about in a world that finds it very odd if you don’t have a child after a certain age, and perhaps make assumptions about that… a book I will gift to many friends, assuming they don’t already have a copy!

[Carla Boniolo · Rating 4 out of 5]

A beautiful book of essays. A perfect read for someone in their 30s, when it feels like so many people around me are having babies! Some very important stories included in this collection. I was given the chance to explore perspectives I had never considered before. I’m proud that this book exists.

[zoe mcintosh · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars for me.
Every single essay is utterly amazing. This is a must read. A combo of heart, pain and humour.

[Thu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely thought-provoking read

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read for all humans, regardless of who you are & where you’re at. It doesn’t argue for or against kids, it just opens you up to a kaleidoscopic collection of experiences that are so much more diverse than I could have imagined.

[Gabbi Barratt]

This was a really thoughtful collection of essays about how bananas and patriarchal pro-natal norms are, and how normal but painful it can be to not narrowly fit within them. A worthwhile read!

[Laura Ward · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book I’ve longed to read for years! Beautiful, funny and heartbreaking, so many brilliantly written honest stories.

[mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

so affirming

[Emma Paulet · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nice to read some broader representation on the topic of being childless/childfree/child adjacent.

[Laura Giddey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m so glad this book exists to give validity to different experiences than the norm. I’m childfree-by-choice so I resonated with those essays especially but I also have experience through egg donation of infertility so those perspectives were relevant to me too. Highly recommend. I tried to eke it out but it was hard!

[Sophie Dixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you pals for the recommendations - this was a magical essay collection and I’m so glad I picked it up at this stage in my life. Some incredibly moving pieces and I learnt a lot and thought a lot. In line with my professed dislike of some people due to their memoirs, I thought a couple essays were grating, but everything else was an unexpected gift

[Sian Santiago · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was such a nuanced and layered insight into what it is to not be a mother, to not feel like you can call yourself a mother, and to want to be a mother to more when you aren’t able to.

I loved the way this collection of essays challenged me to think about experiences that weren’t my own and consider them in the complex question of what it is to be a mother and what a privilege it is to want to be one, especially without barriers of disability, infertility, or need for intervention to support the process. I am sure that every well meaning person that tells me it would be a crime for me not to have children doesn’t consider these factors that impact so many women. I know that people, myself included, don’t often consider the reality that 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.

Stories of what it was like to lose children challenged the tired idea that you must have kids so that you aren’t lonely and so that there is someone to take care of you when you get old. But having a child and loosing them is expressed as a very powerful loneliness in the pages of this book, as well as something that no one can change or control.

This collection reminded me that we are at the mercy of life and life’s circumstances, despite what choices we make. It also reminded me that we are here on earth to live and try to love the way that we are living. There is no right or wrong to that, just many days, and many different memories, motherhood or otherhood regardless.

[Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heart wrenching and warming. I commend the editors on including such a wide range of experiences of otherhood. Particularly compelling were stories about secondary infertility, loss of an only child to suicide, and choices made to be childfree due to trauma / mental health. The negative impact of religious upbringing on the experience of otherhood was an understandably reoccurring theme. I only wish that there was more diversity in these examples, e.g., where people made peace with their faith and their otherhood, rather than always inevitably deconstructing as if the two cannot coexist.

[Irmak]

As is the case with most anthologies, it is hard to give this one a singular rating, so I won’t. I appreciate all the care that the editors and essayists put into this diverse and inclusive collection of essays and I am happy to have read it.

My favorite ones were The Addington House, My Favourite Girl, and DINKs on a plane.

[Hayley · Rating 4 out of 5]

a very thoughtful collection of NZ essays about being childless and child free. Iona Winter's essay absolutely broke my heart, it wasn't until halfway through I realized I knew of her son. Some really powerful stories.

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Superb and so important.

[PugBooks · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well-considered and far-reaching. Confronting and thoughtful collection. It’s almost impossible to live a life completely without children and this digs into all those nuances and maybes and almosts.

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Powerful and important.

[Lauren Carlton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very timely read as a lot of people around me are currently having their first child or talking about it, whereas I don't see myself having a child any time soon (if ever). I would like to read this again in a few years to see how my thoughts have changed.

[Lucy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really excellent collection of essays. As is natural with essay collections, some resonated with me more than others. Definitely something to delve into again in future

[Lisa T · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this book all the stars in the universe, I would.

[Lara Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a real ride. I've recommended it to several friends as we are all in our 30s and making big decisions (or not). Cool range of perspectives, if a couple were a bit random.

[Lucy · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting collection of variable quality, always going to be the case with multiple contributors. I kept reading, waiting for one that "fit" with my lived experience, but alas there's none. So for those in relationships, uncertain about children, it's a goody for reflection. For the sadly single, this ain't the book for us to find a home 😂 (which ironically feels right, considering the subject manner)

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the essays were too similar thematically but overall a really enjoyable and interesting collection.

[Emma]

Interesting stories touching on the subject of not having children in a world where women and mother are often used interchangeably. I would have appreciated more analysis.

[NoMo Book Club · Rating 5 out of 5]

This collection of essays gathers different experiences of being childless, childfree and child-adjacent in New Zealand, assembled by the editors Alie Benge, Lil O’Brien and Kathryn Van Beek. As with many other parts of the world, New Zealand has a growing number of people who do not have children. And, again as with many other places, this demographic is pushing to have its voice heard - and Otherhood is the perfect gathering of those voices.

Whilst the context is New Zealand-specific, the themes and experiences within this collection are universal tales of non-parenthood. Alie, Lil and Kathryn have brought together over 30 writers who have gone through various forms of otherhood, including the editors themselves, and there are many stories here that will be relatable to each NoMo reader. The collection also prides itself on true diversity and it feels like there is someone here to represent all aspects of the New Zealand non-parent population - including many voices which are often overlooked or marginalised. Alie, Lil and Kathryn should be especially commended for their inclusive approach to unearthing all sides of the otherhood conversation in Aotearoa.

Although, the essays don’t just cover the stories of those who are without children, but also those who have lost children, undertaken a fostering role, experienced secondary infertility or become part of a blended family. The understanding that even motherhood, in whatever form it takes, can in itself have an element of otherness makes this an embracing collection that reaches across the dividing lines of womanhood.