Motherhood Smotherhood: Fighting Back Against the Lactivists, Mompetitions, Germophobes, and So-Called Experts Who Are Driving Us Crazy

by J.J. Keith

What’s the first thing a woman does when she thinks she might be pregnant? She Googles. And it goes downhill from there. While the internet is full of calming and cheerily supportive articles, it’s also littered with hyper-judgmental message boards and heaps of contradictory and scolding information. Motherhood Smotherhood takes parents through the trenches of new parenting, warning readers of the pleasures and perils of mommy blogs, new parent groups, self-described "lactivists,” sleep fascists, incessant trend pieces on working versus non-working mothers, and the place where free time and self-esteem goes to die: Pinterest (back away from the hand-made flower headbands for baby!).
JJ Keith interweaves discussions of what it takes a village” really means (hint: a lot of unwanted advice from elderly strangers who may have grown up in actual villages) and a take-down of the rising "make your own baby food” movement (just mush a banana with a fork!) with laugh-out-loud observations about the many mistakes she made as a frantic new mother with too much access to high speed internet and a lot of questions. Keith cuts to the truth—whether it’s about "perfect” births, parenting gurus, the growing tide of vaccine rejecters, the joy of blanketing Facebook with baby pics, or germophobia—to move conversations about parenting away from experts espousing blanket truths to amateurs relishing in what a big, messy pile of delight and trauma having a baby is. It turns out those little buggers are more durable and fun than we think they are!

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Humor, Audiobook, Feminism

176 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

JJ Keith has written about parenting for Reader's Digest, Bitch: Feminist Response to Pop Culture, Daily Life, Sunday Life Magazine, the Huffington Post, Salon, Babble, Mamamia, The Hairpin, iVillage Australia, Role/Reboot, The Rumpus, The Sunday Morning Herald, and others. She lives in Los Angeles with her husband and two young children.

Reviews

[Kandice · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

What a breath of fresh air! I feel as though J.J. Keith tapped my brain, gathered my thoughts, and put them down on paper. I felt like waving a little white hanky and shouting, "AMEN! Preach!" throughout the book.

At my baby shower, my mom thought it would be nice to have the guests write down a little word of advice for the new mother. I received tips on getting a baby to sleep, tricks for helping gas to pass (the baby's, not mine!), etc. The most common theme was along the lines of "Time goes by so fast. Soak up your little one and enjoy their childhood while it lasts." If I could fill out one of those cards and mail it back to 2012, I would advise myself, "Brace yourself for the comparisons, competitions, and judgements from other parents. P.S. Stop rolling your eyes after reading all the "time flies" cards because it's so very true!"

JJ touches on many touchy subjects within the parenting realm: Breast feeding vs formula feeding, home birth vs hospital birth, disposable vs cloth diapering, stay-at-home vs working moms, just to list a few. She tackles these with a humorous and laid-back approach that is sure to make the reader smile a few times, no matter which camp they belong.

Would I recommend this book to other moms? Of course! Do I think every mom would enjoy it? Of course not! Some would find it offensive (JJ has a bit of a potty mouth) and is opinionated on vaccinations. However, the underlying message of the book is to calm down, stop judging, don't believe everything you read on the internet, and carry on being a good mom!

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book immensely and wish it had been around when I had my first child many years ago. It might have saved me from many lost hours I can never get back reading and listening to a lot of judgmental, absolutist BS on how to be a parent! Luckily I have a new baby, so I needed to hear some of this stuff again. This book stands head and shoulders above most of the rest of literature for expectant and new parents in that it is a real-world, common sense approach to how to make the transition from relatively happy-go-lucky childless adult, to parent without losing your mind, or your sense of identity. (The title says "motherhood," but really, unless they're not planning to do any parenting, dads could use this book too.)

The author combines her personal experience with scientific research into many areas of parenting infants and toddlers such as feeding, sleeping, diapering, the so-called "mommy wars" (barf), birthday parties, vaccinating, and other areas that tend to confuse and polarize parents, at least online. She does the reader a great service by reminding that when a child is beyond infancy, no one will remember which doctrinaire approach to sleeping/diapering/feeding/etc you used. The kid will only remember whether he or she felt loved and cared for.

One important thing to note is that this book is not only very informative but hilarious! I laughed out loud in every chapter. This book is wonderful to read and as useful if not more so that another book I like to give to expectant and new parents: Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott. It's funnier and more informative than The Girlfriends Guides (which I thought were very funny during my first pregnancy). I recommend it highly and plan to give it as a gift to new parents. It's one of those rare treats in the world of useful nonfiction that entertains, educates, and made me feel less alone at a time of huge transition.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although I've totally aged out of the young-parent mom-blog-book-contract genre, I picked this book off the library's new arrival shelf because of the title. Much like Beverly Goldberg, sitcom TV's reigning favorite "smother," I am all over my "schmoopies" like a warm blanket. I wish I could've met JJ Keith ten years ago on a playground, or better, in one of those godforsaken infant playgroups she so derides. She preaches a refreshing common sense and makes me so grateful both of my babies were born before the dawn of social media. My biggest disappointment about this book is that its author is so much younger than me. Where can I find such great mom-lit about parenting tweens??

[Rachel Matuch]

I'm a new mom, and reading this book felt like sitting down with a sassy, hilarious, experienced mom-friend. J.J. Keith pinpoints the people and things that make parenting harder—fear-mongering parenting forums, competitive playgroup moms, snarky open letters to parents, and Pinterest, to name a few—and is mercilessly deft in her take-downs.

She's honest about the way these forces have affected her and how she's gotten past them to find more joy as a parent and a human. It was great to find myself laughing about fears that really do feel big and scary right now. Keith has a gift for exposing the absurd.

It's a light read, mostly anecdotal and very conversational, like a series of blog posts. The style and humor won't be for everyone (case in point: "I haven't played Grand Theft Auto since I was pregnant with my first because I can't have my kids walking in on mommy stabbing a hooker for her cash.") But it's a welcome antidote to the fear-driven, dogmatic conversations about parenting that are stressing so many of us out.

[Marieke · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this at the perfect time and really needed the laughs. I'm just emerging from the fog of newborndom and realizing that the books and the Internet don't help all that much. Got self-doubt? Here, compound it by reading all the books and online things that contradict one another yet still convince you that you you are doing it wrong! JJ Keith to the rescue--everything is going to be fine.

[Shannon Noel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. If you are a new mom or pregnant or the partner of a pregnant mom or headed to a baby shower, buy this book! Thank you JJ Keith for telling it like it is. I so appreciate your whip-smart candor. Where was this book when I was pregnant with my 1st?

[Amanda Shanahan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. Just a bit of kindness for parents that are internalizing the judgment that seems to go hand in hand with the profession.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Use if you are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant. Noble savage fever is real!

[Olivia · Rating 4 out of 5]

My Marriage was sinking down the hole, I was dying in Pain & Silence not until I came across this powerful spell caster who did not just helped me get back on my feet physically, emotionally, spiritually & financially but also cast the love spell that got my life back on track again with my husband. In a space of less than 24Hours My husband came back To Me Since Then My Marriage has been stable all Thanks To Dr oaikhen Baba For All He has Done For Me & how he keeps Saving life's , property , relationships & Marriages, I Can Assure You To Get In Touch With Him. Contact Email 📧 oaikhendr@gmail.com

[Mothwing · Rating 4 out of 5]

My wife's pregnant with our first child and I and while felt relatively calm and collected, I started freaking out after reading articles on parenting and childcare. There were so many things that I was merely going to take in stride and see what happens?! Didn't I know that I ought to be worrying and fretting about so many things?! Did I not realise that my flat was a death trap? That I was woefully unprepared? Well, I knew then.

This book was a breath of fresh air among the many voices of panic and instilled some much-needed perspective again.

[Kate Caldwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite motherhood/parenting books. While it doesn't have a ton of specific how tos, I really appreciate the overall theme of "try your best, do what works for your family as long as it's safe and try not to be too judgy". I also liked how she clearly identified how a lot of decisions are a luxury many mothers don't have.

[Irela Johnson · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book felt like a warm, yet very prickly hug lol I loved it! One year into motherhood I can easily laugh along at all the absurdities one finds in the “mommy sphere”. BUT if I had found this book when my baby was a newborn (and everything was confusing and scary) it would have probably prevented a lot of heartache.

[Harmony · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It was a gentle reminder of the realities and fun of parenting. Being a new parent, it's so easy to be swept up by worry and doubts. This book asks the reader to keep parenthood all in perspective.

[Isabelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

just a book of a parent complaining about being a parent and lots of cussing. meh

[Aimee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious. Felt like a relaxing visit with an old friend. The vaccine bit went long but other than that no complaints.

[Jane Potter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must read for new mums. Competitive parenting, pintrest perfection and books that tell you their way is the only way to raise a child... take the pressure off and relax. funny, would read again.

[Laura (Book Scrounger) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the book I wish I'd read after first becoming a parent. Well, maybe not at first. Maybe after about 3 or 4 months, after I'd had time to flounder a bit and fully taste the insanity that is parenting message boards on the Internet (or even worse, "natural parenting" boards), which this author rightly describes as "... the darkest and most pestilent trenches of the Internet; so awash with anxiety, judgment, and pointless debate about baby kneepads..."

In a nutshell, this is a hilarious book. I don't care for all the profanity - I think it would have been just as funny without it - but, I really enjoyed it overall. I laughed, I nodded, I highlighted stuff. The author has written for several major websites, and many of these chapters read a lot like articles and blog posts - not too long, and to the point, but with some rambling and humor thrown in.

The chapters aren't necessarily linear - you don't have to read them in their written order to enjoy them, but there are some themes that carry through from beginning to end. Her writing style is very enthusiastic and fast-paced - perhaps a bit spastic at times, but I had no problem with that - it sometimes felt to me like the writing was very "spoken," as if I could easily visualize someone right there saying it, or doing a stand-up routine, so it was a very quick read.

The author shares some of her parenting stories, and covers the basic stuff from the early months/years, like "birth stories," diapering, feeding, mothers staying at home vs. working outside the home, etc., and sets her sights on the aspects of "parenting culture" that act smugly or phrase the options for any of these decisions as if they were moral imperatives. I don't get the feeling that she's "for" or "against" any particular feeding, diapering, or other general parenting style - just the idea that there is "one right way" to do it, and that those among us who are doing it "right" have to engage in sanctimony in order to show everyone else how "right" that way is. (I mean, there sure is a right and wrong in some issues, especially life-or-death situations, but she points out more than once just how nuanced most of these decisions will be in individual cases.)

She takes on cloth diaper obsessions ("fluff mail" anyone?), baby-food-making obsessions, anti-vaxers, self-congratulatory breastfeeding propaganda, and really any particular vein of self-congratulatory behavior in parenting, pointing out that so many of these choices have become more about the parent than the child, referring to it as "phony heroism." I'm sure we've all been guilty of that at some point, but the key is recognizing it and putting a stop to it.

Anyway, it's not all humor and mockery. There are poignant moments too. In the chapter about weight loss after pregnancy, and the changes pregnancy brings to mothers' bodies, she says:

"Now that I'm on the other side of it, I balk when I hear younger women talk about not wanting to have kids because they're scared of how their body will change. Admittedly, I had the same concern, but now that a few years have passed, I see that worry for what it really is: A desire to never change. But no woman, regardless of if she has kids, gets to never change. The onslaught of aging is as inevitable as death."

Wow, so true. I know there's more to it than that, but that was a facet I hadn't really considered, and it's nice to hear that from someone who's a few more years along in parenting than I am.

I know I don't subscribe to every aspect of this author's parenting ideas and choices, or her particular bent of feminism, but that's not really the point, and it certainly doesn't hinder my enjoyment of the majority of this book (I think the first 2/3 or so of it are the strongest).

I do have one complaint though. In all the seemingly most obvious "parenting obsessions" that she calls out, one very major one seems to be missing: "babywearing." If she thinks it's strange that cloth diapering groups have real-life "meet-ups" (and yes, that does make some sense because the learning curve can be kinda steep in the beginning), shouldn't it be even more ridiculous that mothers meet up and clique up simply on the merits of using a piece of cloth to carry their babies? I dunno... I was surprised not to see it covered much here. Oh well... material for the sequel?

(In compliance with FTC guidelines, I disclose that I received this book for free through GoodReads' First Reads. I was not required to write a positive review.)

[Jessica Gallagher]

This was rather refreshing. I love how it had a strong message about not being judgemental of other parents, which it got across in the most judgemental way. I think it will help me to be a slightly more relaxed parent, which can't be a bad thing for the children we do end up having.

[Zoe Cooper · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is terrific! Puts everything into perspective with lots of laughs along the way.

[Sage Adderley · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed to read Motherhood Smotherhood. I especially needed it 13 years ago when I was a 22-year-old mom trying to figure out how to do everything right in raising my first newborn. Author JJ Keith is the mom I would have hung out with at mommy groups had I went to any.

Motherhood Smotherhood was a relief to read. It makes me feel like I am not alone in this frightening world (real life & online) where parents compete with each other, and face judgment from both parents and non-parents.

She touches on hot topics like vaccinations and I wanted nothing more than to bear hug her after reading the chapter about breastfeeding. This book is about not defining love based on quirky handmade signs hung in your child’s nursery or what brand wrap you are traveling around with your kid in. Keith brings parenting back to basics and slashes the unnecessary.

Facebook posts, Pinterest obsessions, and mommy boards – it’s all here. I cannot recommend this book enough to those parents who need a laugh and a reality check. Parents who are tired of getting the shameful looks from others when they take their crying baby out in public.

This book also has a tender side. A chance to look at certain situations from a fresh perspective, which I appreciated. Motherhood Smotherhood is about communication and community in a helpful, non-jerk kind of way. 5/5 stars all day long.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was completely hilarious and pretty much spot on from the experience I've had raising a child in the BabyCenter-Internet-OMG-WhatTheCrap stage of this era. I remember having to stop reading parenting and mothering blogs and websites due to the overwhelming amount of information, good and bad, just to survive until the next feeding of my newborn. The author has very staunch opinions on things that some may not agree with, but I appreciate her opinion and lack of who gives a crap attitude. I eventually learned that, just like all subjects in life, we all takes bits of pieces of everything we learn and apply them. Even to parenting and trying to survive the newborn years. This was a very fun and fist pumping read to combat the "perfect mother" syndrome that is plaguing our mommy groups. I totally appreciated being able to laugh out loud and snort with the author's experiences and opinions, and am pleased she mentioned giving husbands/fathers some more credit. If you need a break from the baby mania crazy or thinking you may go insane over one more pinterest craft, send some downtime reading this book. (Note: I received a copy of this book in return for an honest review during the book tour. This did not influence my review in the least.)

[Orly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so much fun, whether you're a parent or not! I've been following JJ's work for a long time (way before I was pregnant) and was looking so forward to her book. I have to say, Motherhood Smotherhood has been the only "baby book" I've needed to guide and console me through the anxiety of becoming a first time mother. I'll be referring back to many of the chapters, especially "Making Breast Milk is Not a Superpower" and "I'm the Only One Who Gets to Call My Kids Crotch Fruit". The book is not only about your relationship with your baby; it's about your relationship with everyone around you, including yourself and total strangers in public bathrooms who advise you to keep your son from crying so he doesn't turn into a sissy (yes, people like that exist!) This book has been the only sane, honest and non-judgement voice in the midst of all the crazy cloth-diapering, non-vaccinating, self-righteous and martyring blogs and advice columns. Her opinions are often backed up by sound reason, research, science but mainly common sense.

[Roberta · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you're pregnant or a new mother and have been making yourself crazy by reading all the mommy blogs on the internet, stop for a moment and read this book.

The author's description of lactivists, germaphobes, make-your-own baby-food fanatics, and other members of the perfectionist tribe of mommies on the internet is just right to relieve some of your fears, and make you laugh out loud.

I made all of my first child's baby food, dithered back and forth on the second, and by the third, well, she got to eat anything and everything. Ironically, she is and was the only kid that liked all her veggies and is a culinary adventurer. It was fun to read Keith's scathing commentary on this and all the other subjects she covers.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

Random choice from the library "new book" shelf. I have a 7-year-old, which means I get duck some of the most contentious of the mommy war battlegrounds. Honestly, no one gives a shit whether or not you breastfed your school-age child. They will care, however, about your child's daily sugar intake. I take a deep breath, limit the info I put there (looking at you FB), and try to pretend if I don't judge other moms, they aren't judging me. Keith's book assures me that isn't true. Sigh. I thought it was sort of a fun look at all the potholes in the raising of the under-5 set, and I loved the portion with the waitress in the end. I'd recommend it to parents currently trying to navigate those early years.

[Annie]

Exactly what I needed

Thank goodness for this book! A real look at parenting and how it can't be perfect all the time (despite what Facebook might say). This book made me feel like I am doing a bang-up job as a parent even though I: 1)work 2)have a husband who helps A LOT 3)take some time to be a human and don't rush to pick them up from day care...and so many more reasons!! And I completely read this book on my iPhone's kindle app at ungodly hours when my one year old wasn't sleeping for one reason or another. So this book gave me some empowerment at some of the weakest moments.

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was an excellent book that completely nailed the experience of motherhood these days. Keith tells it like it is and doesn't hold back when it comes to calling out all the bullshit prescriptions that accompany parenting. She tears into lactivists, anti-vaxxers and cloth diapering meet up groups. I laughed out loud many times. even the index of this book was hilarious (sandwiches, dinosaur shaped p.145. sandwiches, dolphin shaped p.91 etc.). Thank you for writing such an uplifting book.

[Terri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Motherhood Smotherhood: Fighting Back Against the Lactivists, Mompetitions, Germophobes, and So-Called Experts Who Are Driving Us Crazy by JJ Keith is an excellent read. Keith, a “mommy blogger” who came to prominence after a “pro-vaccine” piece on Huff-Po, is funny, warm, wry, and compassionate. Her book is suffused with the joy of being a parent, but she doesn’t shy away from the darker aspects of parenting (like loneliness and literally cleaning poop off the walls). Her advice, in a nutshell, is to give other people the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are also doing their best.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

A humorous, but smart and sensible book about the problems and concerns of contemporary parenting. While the focus is on motherhood and its problems, I found a lot I could relate to as a stay-at-home dad. Parenting these days has become almost religious in its dogma and everyone is too eager to leap upon mistakes or conscious choices they do not agree with. The book in a funny way reminds us that parenting is a hard job, that we are all trying our best, and that everyone must choose his/her own path, a much needed message amidst the slew of parenting books out there.