Ten Men: A Year of Casual Sex

by Kitty Ruskin

TEN MEN, MANY STORIES.

At the beginning of the year, Kitty Ruskin decided it was time to embrace her sexuality, taking advantage of all the joys that being young, free and single bring and having fun, easy, no-strings sex with whomsoever she desired.

She got on the apps and started swiping. What followed was sometimes sexy, frequently funny, occasionally shocking and, sadly, all too often fraught with pain and danger. It was not the carefree adventure she had envisaged; it was something altogether darker.
Ten Men is one woman's tale told with searing honesty. It's an exploration of the 'blurred lines' that even seemingly nice guys can exploit, a meditation on the lack of clarity around consent and a call to arms to combat a culture that seems to thrive on women's vulnerability.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Memoir, Biography, Sexuality, Womens

223 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 11, 2024

Reviews

[TheaBW · Rating 5 out of 5]

a very raw & real telling of the devastating truths that woman face in the modern world of dating. a heartbreaking story of a woman trying to take control and gain power in her sex life only to come face to face with the reality that men constantly take it away from us. i applaud the author for being so honest and vulnerable with her own experiences, although there were some very heavy moments she was also able to reminisce on the more positive aspects of her journey. this book made me feel so many things all at once, i highly suggest it but warn readers to take the TWs very seriously. i also suggest that ALL men should HAVE to read this book.

[Leo · Rating 3 out of 5]

infinitely frustrating to see her make the same mistakes over and over (but also i hate men and they were the villain)

[Ⓢ Ⓨ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sexually assaulted at the age of ten, Kitty shied away from intimacy until 22. “Ten Men” takes us on a journey discovering and exploring modern day casual sex and the problems she encountered along the way. Looking up to Samantha, from Sex in the City, can Kitty find her confidence and the sex without shame that she’s looking for?

“Surely promiscuous women shouldn’t have to factor in the possibility of violence”

This was a lot deeper than I was expecting it to be. Kitty explores many important and emotive issues like the problematic word of porn, dating apps, consent, love bombing, ghosting, dating apps and the misogyny surrounding sex itself. She really got me thinking about some of my own experiences. It made me laugh, it made me cry. A very thought provoking read.

Many thanks to NetGalley and Icon Books for my advanced copy.

[lea rothe · Rating 5 out of 5]

„often, women are the ones held responsible for being attacked by people they meet online. we accept that some men will inevitably assault women, and that it's up to the woman to spot this in a man and avoid him; to turn him down before he gets into her bedroom. we're frequently told to be on the look-out; to be careful not to 'put ourselves in dangerous situations.
but the onus should not be on us to avoid sexual assault - the onus should be on men not to assault us“

[Charlotte Goulding · Rating 4 out of 5]

More men should read this book.

This memoir was a tough read; emotional, moving and at many times horrifying.

She described the dangers and complexities of navigating dating from a lived perspective.

[Emily G · Rating 5 out of 5]

An Honest, Inspiring and somewhat heartbreaking look into modern dating.

This memoir is a refreshing reset into honesty surrounding sex. It follows Kitty as she challenges herself to the 'Samantha' method (Sex and the City) - to explore her sexuality and have a year of casual dating and casual sex. We see Kitty make discoveries about herself, dating culture and the dangers of casual dating for women.

It deals eloquently with topics such as SA, Rape, Depression and male violence as well as internalised blame-culture, the repression of traumatic events and the secrecy surrounding them. We see Kitty grow astronomically, and by the end of the novel feel inspired that, while we shouldn't have to, we can get past traumatic things that have happened in time.

It was nice to see this book have a somewhat happy ending - but also important to see how it respectfully acknowledges that for some women, there isn't a possibility of one. There is a constant theme of danger throughout this book, and it is saddening to know that this is the experience for many women - both in the dating scene, and out of it.

If anything, this memoir is a call for change and a cry for help on behalf of all women who have experienced something similar to Kitty. A gripping and important read.

'And now, in the rearview mirror, the ten men become ten memories.'

[Peter K · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is such a courageous book for the author to have written, unsparing and honest.

Sex should be so easy shouldn't it ? Just good honest fun for two people to enjoy. This book lays bare though how awful it can be and is for a woman simply seeking to make a choice to enjoy sex on her terms

I know that much of what the author experienced in the way of non consensual sexual violence will come as no surprise to many women and that is a damning indictment of our society. I was left shocked and appalled by what she experienced and disgusted by the way that most of these men chose to act

A brave and honest book written with warmth and skill

[Tylah McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vulnerable and raw. I absolutely inhaled this thought-provoking read. Could be triggering or confronting for some so read with care.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I thought would be a fun and lighthearted read, was actually a conversation starter about casual dating and sadly the normalisation of rape culture. An important narrative!!!

[Courtney (cbbookss) · Rating 5 out of 5]

“'For God’s sake', I thought. 'Were there no good men out there?'”

[Thank you so much to Icon Books for sending me a copy of Ten Men, in exchange for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own.]

What starts off as a joyous endeavour to achieve sexual liberation quickly takes a dark turn as Kitty details the men she encounters in all their repulsive entitlement.

At times lighthearted and fun, at others harrowing, this memoir perfectly encapsulates what it’s like to be a woman trying to enjoy the same luxuries as men. I say “luxuries” because it becomes evident who holds all the power when it comes to casual sex.

I don’t usually rate memoirs because I find it weird to rate my “enjoyment” of someone else’s personal life, but I found this incredible. I couldn’t put it down, even while I stared in open mouthed horror, as each man seemed to be worse than the last.

With no detail spared, this is one of the bravest, most vulnerable memoirs I’ve ever read. Though it is incredibly trigger heavy, be warned, I think this is an incredibly important book, especially for any woman in her 20’s or just coming into her sexuality. I can’t recommend it enough, especially for fans of Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton.

[Phil James · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very interesting book about the dating scene in the UK in current times. The author documents her experiences of casual dating, mainly using dating apps in 2019. The book is at times funny and at other times concerning given how weird the behaivour of some of the people she encountered was. Be warned though, at times it is quite distressing and not an easy read due to fairly traumatic encounters. Definitely worth reading.

[Jo_Scho_Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

Back in 2019, writer Kitty Ruskin decided to embark on a mission - to have as much sex as she wanted and with whoever she wanted to have it with. To embrace her sexuality and enjoy one night stands and feel liberated and powerful. Just like a man. So she got on the apps and started swiping.

And this is her story. Read carefully and be prepared for a few TW’s cause this will shock you, terrify you, sadden you but mainly fill you with despair and rage. It’s an incredibly tough but essential read. I couldn’t put it down, despite feeling horrified at the world my teenage daughter is soon to enter.

The author’s year of sexual freedom felt so bleak and empty to me. Nights in different bars with different men, treks to the chemist (alone) for the morning after pill, experiences where consent was definitely not given, all filled me with despair over how many creeps are out there thinking this kind of behaviour is ok.

There’s a quote in this book, ‘what a sad, lonely generation’ and it really struck a chord. In the world of Tinder and Hinge, it’s never been easier to get a date, but at what cost?

Despite all the grim parts there were many moments where I smiled & cringed at these dating disasters. Ruskin is a terrific writer and I was swept along, laughing one minute and wincing the next. It shouldn’t be but this book is one hell of an entertaining (and eye opening) read.

As a mum of boy/girl twins, I’ve talked to them about periods, puberty and sex since they were old enough to ask questions about it (oh the conversations we’ve had! 🤭). They know about rape and respect and consent - and how unrealistic porn is. No question has ever gone unanswered but after reading this I’m terrified of this future world that my teenage daughter will invariably enter. And I hope my son remembers everything his mother told him!

Powerful, shocking and brilliantly (& brutally) honest, this is a book I won’t be able to get out of my head for a long time.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like everybody (especially man) should read this book at least once in their lifetime. This book shows you how important consent is, and also what can happen when consent is missing. Overall communication is key.
TW: sexual assault, rape, depression

[Vicky · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.8⭐️

Quick read and definitely needed a break from fantasy

Kitty girl, we’ve all been there at one point or another with being bamboozled by men for sureeeeee

[Livly · Rating 5 out of 5]

TW: suicidal ideation, sexual assault

*a very big deep breath* I’m not entirely convinced that anything I write here will come close to summarising my feelings about this book. It was a hard read for so many reasons, some of which surprised me. One page would feel light and breathable, and the next would break me. I would cling to my tablet in dismay that the things that men have done have been done, before quickly remembering experiences of my own and of others, that no one is alone, that this vulnerability is so incredibly brave in a society that does not want to acknowledge what sexual assault can do to a person, and its warped relationship with consent.

In fewer than 230 pages, Kitty Ruskin details her casual year of sex, her attitude going in, her experiences throughout that time, and her findings. It is personable. It is so intimate. It will make you snort at certain times because sex is absolutely wild. And it will stay with you.

Thank you to @iconbooks and @netgalley for this copy and thank you to @kittyruskin for taking the time to talk about something so quickly associated with silence, and for sitting in and exploring feelings so that your readers wouldn’t feel alone.

[Arcadia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heartfelt thank you to Kitty for sharing her honest account. I feel this book is an essential catalyst for conversations that need to happen more openly and frequently.

As for the book, initially, I was drawn in by the light, conversational style and the well-paced storytelling. The book's lighthearted tone gave me a glimpse into a world I've never experienced – and to be honest, I was a bit relieved to feel I wasn't missing out (casual dating has never been my thing). However, as the stories unfolded, it turned darker.

While I wasn't completely surprised that such events could occur, the frequency of them within a year was shocking. It's clear these aren't isolated incidents or bad luck; There was a lingering thought as I read, that perhaps opening up to strangers on such an intimate level inherently increases the risk of harm. In the ideal world it wouldn’t, but this is our broken reality…

What truly resonated with me was how this book illuminates the short- and long-term consequences of these experiences on mental health and other aspects of life (including finances).
It's a reminder and a caution that these aren't just fleeting encounters; they can leave lasting scars.

I highly recommend this book as a starting point for meaningful conversations about the complexities of modern dating and relationships. It's a brave and necessary read that will spark much-needed dialogue.

[T.O. Munro · Rating 5 out of 5]

This account of the author's tumultuous 2019 might have been a kind of romcom style account of female liberation. Not so much Emily in Paris as Emily in Bed with all the girl-to-girl post-date debriefings and the inevitable embarrassments that come from alcohol fuelled intimate encounters and the 'walk-of-shame' in last night's clothes with hair defiantly (inexplicably?) awry. Indeed that might have been what Ruskin was hoping for - maybe expecting - when she embarked on her year of sexual freedom.

However, the ten chapters (each headed with the name of one of the men) are topped and tailed with two sections that show much darker experiences, both foreshadowing the year and reflecting on it.

Ruskin opens with an account (sparing the details) of being coerced into a first experience of sexual activity at the age of 10 by her 10 year old 'boyfriend'. An experience that cast a massive shadow over her adolescence such that she deferred having sex until she was 22 - finally doing the deed in a somewhat perfunctory fashion with an old school friend she reconnected with through Facebook. At last able to do more than feign experience in girly chats this launched her into her year of dating-app driven experimentation.

The encounters themselves, most lasting several dates, mix light entertaining prose with sudden jolting moments of wtf.

This had probably been nice once, I thought, fancy and Georgian with a piano tinkling away in the living room. It was so studenty now, ghosts probably didn't bother haunting it.

Drifting into his bedroom, I took stock of the red candles and white tea lights scattered across his desk and bedside table. Well he was either attempting romance or about to host a seance, I thought.

Some dates move faster and with fewer precautions than are sensible.

At 1 p.m. I tipped back a bottle of water, the plastic crinkling in my hand. Then I swallowed the tiny pill I'd just bought - along with the pharmacist's look of judgement.

The wtf moments are the shocking instances of lack of consent as different men presume, impose, abuse and rape. After the first time rape happens, when a man takes advantage of her very drunken (possibly drugged) state, Ruskin takes months to even acknowledge to herself that that was what had happened.

Perhaps there was a part of me, too, that wanted to rebel against the victim status I was faintly cognisant of, deep down. It was the same urge that made me label myself as 'frigid and awkward' when I was a virgin, rather than 'broken by a traumatic experience that happened when I was ten.'

Ruskin speaks honestly about the sex without delving into graphic details. Some of it was good, almost addictively so, which draws her back into the dating scene and lives up to what she had expected in her year of string-free, clear-conscious, uninhibited dating - the kind of life single men have been celebrated (by their peers at least) for leading.

However, in a closing chapter, written some years after this event and with the benefit of much therapy and support from those around her, Ruskin reflects that

During 2019 - that year of supposed self-empowerment - I never managed to get the upper hand in my dealings with men. I was never able to feel the lasting control I once imagined to be possible. I was never the hunter: always the hunted.

It is possible that Ruskin was 'unlucky' - one of my eldest daughter's friends at university was an avid user of Tinder because 'she liked sex' - hopefully she was spared some of the pittish experiences that Ruskin encountered.

My own early twenties preceded the era of social media and dating apps by some decades, so my gauche, absurd and at times rather dull persona was presented and gently rejected in person rather than with a swipe of a screen. However, I had female friends whose experience suggests that modern technology has not created a new phenomenon of male entitlement, but simple emboldened traits that were already there.

One friend in second year at university, took pity on a drunken third year huddled in the corner of a courtyard and seeming in need of some assistance. She found herself engaged in stumbling conversation when he asked why she had come to this university. She was mumbling something about courses, prestige etc when he said, "I came here because i wanted to f*ck a lot of people, and I have... but not as many as I'd like." at which point he stumbled towards her and she fled to recount the tale - with a mixture of horror and amusement - to a group of us that had met in my rooms.

Another friend, like Ruskin, saw university as a dawn of liberation - full of opportunity and freedom from parental intrusion. She fell into a kind of friends-with-benefits situation where a ferociously handsome and able fellow student on her course would drop round unannounced for sex - and then disappear afterwards to his own rooms. She said it was nice but it would have been nicer if he stayed once in a while. One time he turned up with a friend in tow, the pair having persuaded themselves she would be up for a threesome. She sent them away with a flea in their ear and - when sober - he did call round to apologise, but there is that entitlement where even when both genders are liberated, one is more liberated than the other.

A third friend gained something of a reputation for promiscuity in second year, after her boyfriend dropped out at the end of first year. I called on her once to find a strange man sitting in the chair in her room while she made unenthusiastic attempts at small-talk. I think she knew him vaguely, or knew of him enough that his visit wasn't absolutely exceptional. When I lingered around he eventually left (I think?!) but she told me (then or later) of her irritation at the assumption of men. He had turned up thinking he was 'in' because she was 'a sure thing'.

I know of some women whose first experience of sex was rape, when the good natured fumbling exploration of adolescence became something more, where the once admired boyfriend decided to progress things and would not stop. The accounts of Ruskin's worst experiences share this feature not so much of 'lack of communication' - so much as a decision by the man that the time for communication (of consent or anything else) is past. Society - in accepting the concept of marital rape - may have moved passed the point where signing a marriage contract was a blank cheque of consent for sex at any time of the husband's choosing. However, Ruskin’s experiences show that the idea that 'no' is a word that can be said and meant at any time in proceedings is not as universally accepted as it should be. (Moreover if 'no' cannot be said - through impaired judgement/incapacity - then it should be heard anyway.)

As Ruskin notes, her year of dating was followed shortly by the year of Covid and of Sarah Everard's murder by a serving police officer. A time that heightened awareness of the dangers women face. As she notes in her afterward

One of the most baffling things I realised when writing this book was that many of the men did not think they had done anything wrong.

While Ruskin didn't find the liberating equality of string free casual sex that she had imagined, she is absolutely right when she says

Let me be clear when I say that it is men who should be challenging the status quo; It is not women's responsibility.

The social media storm over the 'man or bear' choice again emphasises how so many men are utterly lacking in self-awareness. In sexual relations, as with other aspects of human interaction and behaviour (racism, climate change denial, flat Earthism), the internet has allowed the aggrieved and the foolish to find and embolden each other. There is a heavy responsibility on education to do more than show teenagers how to put condoms on cucumbers.

They say that the human mind doesn't actually mature until the age of 25, that we are all really adolescents until then, which is some comfort to me as I think back over some embarrassments of my earlier years - but at least I always knew what no meant, even when it wasn't said. It shouldn't be that hard.

[Kayleigh Townsend]

Firstly, thank you very much to Kitty for sending me this book in exchange for a honest review.

I was very nervous to read this book because not only is it a sensitive topic but I also very rarely read non fiction, so this particular memoir about Kitty’s experience with casual sex was very daunting.

I was so pleasantly surprised, yes there’s definitely some trigger warnings with this book but Kitty writes them in such a way that for me personally, although some parts of this book were hard to read, I didn’t find them anywhere near as hard as I thought they would be.

This book made me feel not so alone in some of my own experiences. Every woman I know has been in some way sexually assaulted and it’s so important that you do not feel alone in that.

Thank you Kitty for this book, I didn’t know it was what I needed but I definitely needed it.

[Evie · Rating 5 out of 5]

10 Men: A Year of Casual Sex, by Kitty Ruskin
Rating: 5/5
Published: NOW
‘This is why sex education is so crucial. And yet the only thing I learned in sex ed was how to put a condom on a cucumber. We need to be more rigorous in teaching young people about consent, sexual assault and rape. We need to speak openly about what is and what is not acceptable behaviour. We need to encourage young men to be compassionate towards women, to see them as human beings.
‘As it stands, women are routinely raped and assaulted, and it’s swept under the rug. Why are we so okay with this? As a society, why do we shrug it off? Why is suffering seen as part and parcel of being a woman?’
At the beginning of the year, Kitty Ruskin decided to explore her sexuality, and have as much fun and no-strings-attached sex with whoever she desired. She turned to the dating apps, and what proceeded were encounters with ten strangers, ten men, who all had very different views of what consent and respect were. It is a painfully accurate representation of what dating is like for women, and an incredibly important piece of work. Sadly, sexual assault is a constant threat and occurrence for women, and yet this is never acknowledged. People don’t talk about it, but we need to. Kitty’s work raises this issue in a raw and powerful way, and I deeply admire her for it. It is a commanding and triggering read, and I want to give it to all my friends – male and female. Absolutely brilliant.

[Heather Browning · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up expecting a Sex and the City-style series of anecdotes and adventures as a woman explored a variety of sexual adventures, but I got something much darker. Instead, this was a fairly disturbing exposé of the unpleasant realities of modern online dating - men who were at best weird or disinterested and at worst committing actual assaults. While wanting to find empowerment and sexual liberation, she found that the consequence-free environment of app-facilitated hookups seemed to enable some genuinely awful and disturbing behaviour. Although she writes well enough and with enough humour to keep it from being overwhelmingly dark, it's much more a call for awareness and change than an amusing series of sexcapades, and something that needs more attention.

[Sharon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a little darker than I thought it was going to be. I imagined fun anecdotes from the world of dating and casual sex but whilst there were some laughs along the way, the author showed us the more seedy and dangerous side to it all. Kitty is so likeable and has written the book so you feel like you really know her. You follow the story along with her, feeling all the excitement, nerves and fear of meeting each new date. I honestly though never realised how many weird people are around, and several times throughout the book thanked my lucky stars that I'm an old (ok, middle aged!) married woman who has put the whole dating scene behind me!

The book is told about all the ten men she met in the year, and we find out how she met them, why she chose them and what happened. It's not an easy read and was quite upsetting at times. Bravo to the author though for not letting some of these "men" ruin her life despite being treated despicably by them, she certainly is a very strong woman and this shows throughout the book. The book does have scenes of sexual assault, violence and depression, so a little warning for that. It was however, a really interesting read and I will certainly look out for other books by this author in the future.

[Anna Hayes · Rating 3 out of 5]

‘Ten Men’ is a gruelling non fiction depiction of the author’s year of having casual sex, as a way of reclaiming power over the concept of sexual activity after a childhood sexual assault incident.
I seem to have picked up a number of these types of titles recently, novels where women recount their relationship experiences, the path they led them on and where they have ended up as a result of choices made or not made, etc.
As other reviewers have said, there’s nothing new in the anecdotes that Ruskin recounts; as the author says herself, the book is her act of defiance, her way of talking about the things that happen to women on a daily basis. And from that point of view, it’s a very brave book to write.
I will say, that as each horrible experience occurred, and the author vocalised her inexperience and naivety, I struggled with the idea that the author had no presupposed understanding of the dating world she was walking into. This was 2019, post-MeToo, and I just couldn’t reconcile the idea that someone working in media, having grown up through the 2010s was so shocked by the behaviour of some (most) of the men she went out with.

My thanks to Icon Books for an eARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ten Men is so much more about self-acceptance and rape culture than the, fairly inflammatory, title suggests. There is discussion on rape, sexual assault, depression and suicide; not an easy read, but a necessary one and Ruskin brings humour and life to her experiences which truly made me giggle out loud.

I am really glad it ended on a happy note.

[Yoko · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a crazy difficult read for me. I've had to stop many times and pick it back up later, not because I felt touched, but because I felt the buildup of anger in my chest. She was herself's worst ally. From the beginning to the end.

It's cliche now with all the dating coaches' content online and about these days. She got addicted to cycles of spotted attention from these men (very likely intentional), and what made it worse was her over-romanticisation of every little interaction between herself and these men, letting herself get carried away by some sweet words these men occasionally dropped. Very good at convincing herself, brainwashing herself into thinking these men out there were nice, kind or at least trying to be so, to her, and only failing because of the patriarchy, the overly violent content on porn sites, etc. out there. While in fact the violent sexual content is up there trending because the majority of men love them. They feel powerful watching it and practising it. Many men are women's biggest predator in nature. And women are expecting these men to step up and stop preying them and being nice to them. Lol speaking of tigers' mercy. Tigers will have peace only with fellow tigers, not with sheep.

One little detail is that she had lavish descriptions of how handsome these men were (except for one guy, I forgot which, but she never said he was ugly straightforward either), while the nicest thing these guys ever pronounced to her was 'you are pretty' and the like. Quite demanding on herself and forgiving toward men. A common flaw of many women.

To the women out there: You don't have to relive anything if it doesn't make you feel good. "Men are allowed to step out the next morning oblivious to the fact that he's done something wrong" only if you let them. Disengage, detach, disappear when you spot a predator. When you couldn't, give them a lesson, so they'd hesitate before preying another woman. Stop reasoning with tigers and fantasising about tigers feeling guilty about preying.

Three stars for sharing the experience and for poetic language.

[Natalie Gardner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Deciding to start a new year channeling her inner Samantha Jones (from Sex and the City), Kitty details the ten men she dates and has sex with during her 23rd trip around the sun.

This book was a lot more shocking and thought-provoking than I expected. I thought this would be more of a lighthearted look at the modern dating scene and 20 years post SATC - how women still try to 'have sex like men' and navigate no-strings attached sexual encounters.

While some of the authors experiences were at times fun, a bit weird and bad (in terms of the sexual enjoyment), some of the encounters were frightening and shocking. I read Kitty's brave and honest personal accounts of these interactions with sadness and dismay. The fact that consent is still such an issue baffles me. As a mum of two boys it is something I have spoken to them about when having the birds and the bees chats on multiple occasions.

I am mot sure anything I can write could do this book justice. It is Kitty's story and you need it read it in her words. It needs to trigger debates and change and it isn't for me alone, to pick apart here on my blog.

At times I found the writing a little slow-paced, meaning I wasn't reaching for it at every opportunity. The end was a little lacklustre and I thought more of the reflecting on the different situations Kitty found herself in could have maybe been held back for the end of the book. However, as I have described, this book really is a tale for our time and people need to read it to see what the modern dating scene for women can be like. As a woman, it's scary to realise these sorts of encounters are still so prevalent and as a mum of boys, I just hope I've done the best job I can to ensure the boys are respectful, kind and honest in their future relationships.

Kitty's writing style is great - it is like you are listening to a friend. As I've said, I'd definitely recommend a read but beware - there is a fair few trigger warnings for this one including sexual assault and suicidal ideation.

[Paola Gómez Reyna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Me hubiera encantado leer un memoir de Samantha Jones. Conocer sus pensamientos y descubrir qué es lo que la hace ser una persona tan icónica, fuerte, empoderada, unapologetic, segura de sí misma.

La realidad es que Samantha Jones es solo un personaje. Sex in the City es una serie ficticia a la cual nos acercamos como entretenimiento, para reír y tal vez para reflexionar sobre nuestra propia vida amorosa. Hay un interés genuino en las historias y en las preguntas que hace Carrie en su columna, que atraen a muchas mujeres, incluyéndome, a aprender. Buscamos aprender de relaciones, hombres y mujeres, mentalidad adoc al "nuevo empoderamiento" sexual femenino que a la vez tiene ese prospecto del amor verdadero. Buscamos encontrar respuestas de lo que es normal durante el sexo porque no sabemos, no crecimos con suficiente educación sexual.

La realidad es muy diferente a la ficción. Esta no es una historia de Samantha Jones en Sex in the City, es una historia de Kitty Ruskin en Londres, una mujer real y por ende más fuerte que cualquiera ficticia. Kitty cuenta sus anecdotas experimentando teniendo sexo casual.

Quisiera decir que me hubiera gustado leer esto hace 10 años, pero dudo que lo hubiera comprendido. Lo que más me hubiera gustado es no haberlo comprendido hoy. Entre los 10 hombres mencionados, recordé, no solo historias propias, historias de las noticias, historias de gente cercana a mí y de amigas de amigas. La culpa, la verguenza, el miedo, la esperanza, la ingenuidad, muchos muchos sentimientos y pensamientos muy bien descritos, muy cercanos, podría hasta decir que directamente extraídos de mis recuerdos.

Honestamente, es una angustia leer este memoir. Quisiera no tener que recomendarselo a nadie, pero a falta de educación sexual y a falta de cultura pop que refleje la abrumadora realidad de lo que significa ser mujer, le doy 5 estrellas esperando que alguien pueda aprender, sentirse escuchada y/o saber identificar cuando una anécdota "divertida pero rara" en realidad tiene otro nombre: abuso sexual.

[Esther Huntington-Whiteley · Rating 3 out of 5]

’I finally realised that the experience had made me sex-averse not, as I once thought, because I was principled, but because I was traumatised.’

This was so weird.

The title suggests that it will be a memoir about modern dating, but actually it’s just about rape culture.

In the above quote, Kitty Ruskin suggests that losing her virginity later in life was a response to a bad experience, rather than simply not feeling ready.

Literally all of the ‘ten men’ she describes are awful. It’s hard to tell whether she actually went on dates and had sex with people who were more normal, and only chose to write about the bad ones. But, if not, then this is very damning.

I found it odd that there was no acknowledgement of the fact that the men she met with were often older (especially the more sinister ones). Obviously, being in your thirties doesn’t make you more likely to be creepy - ideally, it is the other way round - but being in your thirties and seeking out decade-younger women on dating apps definitely does.

There were also a lot of inconsistencies. In one of the penultimate chapters, she describes disclosing her childhood sexual assault to a partner and him responding really well. Then a few pages later she talks about how she told him months later and that was the beginning of the end.

Ultimately, this was like a person dating history without any real commentary on the circumstances surrounding it.

[Milla · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me feel amused, distraught, appalled, and dejected. It's well written; it reads like a novel and proceeds with appropriate background information, flashbacks and introspection as well as some light societal critique. I wish the author's conclusions (and experiences, for thar matter) had been different, but I'm sad to say it's not hard to believe this is the reality for single women out there.

Some details made me wonder whether there is a specific British/London culture that differs from my part of the world, so strange were the notions of 1) drinking every single weekend and 2) so heavily whether with friends or on a date, and 3) limiting STD protection to the act itself alone - to mention a few things. Could be just the age and social circle of the author at the time, of course.

Another thing I keep wondering is why the women who try these sort of things are so broken to begin with. There's good discussion touching this in the book, but I'd like to know if such endeavors ever come from a healthy place, and whether that makes any difference at all - to the experience of the woman, or her conclusions.

Last, I have no doubt most of the men who did something wrong really didn't realize they were doing anything wrong. I'm certain most single men are clueless, get their information from the wrong sources, and simply assume too much (not that women aren't guilty of this as well). Men should 100 % read this book and be more educated.

[Laura Cox · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, what an important book, written in a witty yet brutally honest way. This book exposes the world of modern dating - thank goodness I don’t have to join that world. As a mother to two sons, it terrifies me but makes me determined to talk to them about consent, even though it’ll make them cringe. I hope I’m bringing them up to respect other people, especially/ including women (although I don’t yet know if they’re straight or not), but after reading this I know I have to make sure they’re clear on what’s ok and what’s not. Although they need to find a better way of getting consent than explicitly asking every time, “can I penetrate you?” Like one guy I dated.

Reading this book, I realise how lucky my friends and I were, that we avoided most of the frightening, unacceptable situations the authors encountered, despite being vulnerable and despite making many bad decisions. But we were vulnerable and making decisions in a different time, before the prevalence of dating apps and learning about sex through porn.

I worried about the author, admiring her openness about her mental health, yet seeing problems with so many of her decisions. I was relieved to read she now has a loving boyfriend, but I hope her improved health isn’t reliant on him. If it doesn’t work out with him, she can still, I hope, be a strong, independent, happy woman and move on.

Great book. Highly recommend. Although I did have to shield the cover from my sons!

[Bleu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like most of the great ideas, there is a concept attributed to Einstein which states that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results each time. Therefore, I present a memoir which runs with this theory with alacrity.

In Ten Men, Ruskin lays bare her year of exploration and experimentation in the field of casual sex. She shares a lot, and the text benefits from it. Her tone is light, even when the subject matter is not, making for an easy reading tone. While there were points in which it felt her reflections could have further depth, she is decently nuanced and considerate in her examinations of herself, the men she meets and the society in which she resides (although she attributes blame more to the latter two areas than the first one).

However, I cannot shy away from the profoundly bleak nature of this narrative. It is dire that young women are told and aspire to be this type of woman. Every example of a figure she wishes to be like is either fictional or the 'female equivalent of X'; she is aiming to be something that isn't achievable.

Despite this, it would be truly interesting to get Ruskin's reflection on this in ten or more years. Would she still attribute so much to societal issues, or might she incorporate more biological grounding into her thinking?