Men, Women and Relationships

by John Gray

John Gray, New York Times bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, reveals that the key to creating and maintaining successful relationships between men and women lies in accepting our differences. By trying to make our partners over in our own likeness, Gray reminds us we destroy what we first found so appealing. Writing with the compassionate understanding that is his trademark, Gray draws on his wealth of experience from twenty years of work in couples therapy, his two mega-selling books, as well as his hugely popular national workshops and seminars. In Men, Women, and Relationships, he ably demonstrates that only through respecting, appreciating, and responding to our natural differences can we achieve real happiness and fulfillment in our relationships. Discover the simple, practical techniques that can enable all of us to experience the healthy, supportive love we deserve.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Reference, Love, Romance

336 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published August 1, 1990

About the author

Librarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.

John Gray is an American relationship counselor, lecturer, and author. In 1969, he began a nine-year association with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi before beginning his career as an author and personal relationship counselor. In 1992 he published the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which became a long-term best seller and formed the central theme of his subsequent books and career activities. His books have sold millions of copies.

Reviews

[Toe · Rating 1 out of 5]

So I originally thought this could help me get laid (even more), but this is the book that made me stop reading books for about a month--and I love books. I made a rule that I was going to stick to: start one book and finish it no matter what before moving on to the next. Yeah, I'm breaking that rule right now because of Men, Women, and Relationships. I didn't finish it and have no plans of ever trying to again.

My mind constantly wandered as I sloshed through this garbage. It was a waste of my time and it frustrated me to no end. I wasn't retaining any of the information, so what's the point? It is repetitive and boring. Full of flowery language that sounds like it might be profound, it's actually just drivel. Here's an example from page 142, the last paragraph I read before closing this book forever:

"Love doesn't require you to be happy about everything your partner says and does. A woman can be loving and accepting and also express feelings of frustration, disappointment, concern, anger, hurt, sadness, and fear. She can be very happy some days and less happy on others. A part of her can be angry and yet another part is happy to be with him. When she is in touch with her true feelings and needs, then when she is happy and appreciative, those feelings will be real and affect him in a positive way. Only then will he be able to truly respond to her needs."

Um, yeah. I guess it takes a PhD to know that a woman "can be very happy some days and less happy on others." Yet, this type of esoteric knowledge couldn't save poor John from getting divorced himself. Kinda hurts the credibility methinks.

Also, swallow that list. This guy is obsessed with long lists like the second sentence above. There are lists everywhere. He does it to fill space and attempt to hide the fact that he is a charlatan. Randomly opening the book to page 233, which is about 80 pages before the end, provides another example of what I'm talking about. Gray says, "Pam doesn't understand that in an attempt to be loving, accepting, and supportive, she has merely withheld her negative feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, fear, and worry." Jesus. Two lists in one sentence, and the second list looks very similar to the one from page 142. It makes me want to shove a splintery chopstick up my pee-hole.

Main idea: men and women are different.

Women are emotional and enjoy building relationships. They can talk without exchanging information. (That bewilders me, I guess because I'm a man. Or because it makes no sense. What are they saying if no information is being exchanged? Does that even qualify as communication?) They are more likely to blame themselves first when conflicts arise. They talk to figure out what they want to say (which is really damn annoying). They are much more concerned with others' feelings. They are more timid. It takes the average woman 18 minutes to reach orgasm.

Men are more analytical and rational. We use language to communicate information, which can be stated another way: we have the ability to shut the hell up. There's no need to fill every damn moment with noise. We determine what we want to say before we begin to speak, which just seems like courtesy to the listener to me. We internalize our problems instead of verbalizing and whining about them all the time. We are much more aggressive and objective-oriented. It takes the average man 3 to 4 minutes to reach orgasm.

In short, men are superior in every way. Gray doesn't explicitly say that, but it's my completely unbiased conclusion.

Memorable quotes:

"This explains why men are often frustrated in communicating with women. Women are apt to expand with a topic, while men want them to get to the point. Generally, when a man speaks he has already silently mulled over his thoughts until he knows the main idea he wants to communicate. Then he speaks. A woman, however, does not necessarily speak to make a point; speaking assists her in discovering her point. By exploring her thoughts and feelings out loud, she discovers where she wants to go."

"Regarding communication the male motto is: 'Don't speak unless you have something to say.'" Dr. Gray should heed that advice.

[جهاد محمد · Rating 3 out of 5]

الرجالة دي حواراتها كترت..

[Israa · Rating 5 out of 5]

كتابٌ جميلٌ ومفيدٌ استمتعت بقراءته
بدأ المؤلف أولًا بالحديث عن أهمية تقبل الاختلافات بيننا وبين الآخرين دون كبت لشعورنا بالاستياء ودون رغبة في تغيير الطرف الآخر
فقال أن بناء أي علاقة كبرى يحتاج عملًا جادًّا
نتوقف هنا ونفكر في العلاقات الكبيرة والقريبة مِنّا ،هل نكبت شعورًا بالاستياء؟ هل نرغب في تغيير الآخر؟ ما الجهد والعمل الذه قمنا به لتحسين أنفسنا وعلاقاتنا والحفاظ عليها؟
وقال أننا نحب الآخر لأنه مختلفٌ عنا وليس لكونه مشابهًا لنا،وبالتالي علينا إحسان التعامل مع اختلافه ،فهذا ما جذبنا إليه بدافع فطرتنا

:ثم تحدث -في الفصل الثاني-عن المفاتيح الأربعة الأساسية لإيجاد علاقة تعاونية متوازنة
1/التواصل بغرض التعرف إلى احتياجات الطرف الآخر
2/الفهم الصحيح لهذي الاختلافات
3/التوقف عن إصدار الأحكام
4/تحمل المسئولية تجاه العلاقة دونما تحميل كل شيء للآخر

بعد ذلك راقني الفصل الثالث ،عندما تحدث عن الصفات الرئيسة الأربعة لمقاومة الاختلافات،وهو في هذا النقاش يبدي فهمًا عاليًا للجذور النفسية البعيدة في علاقاتنا فربما كنا محملين بأثقال نفسية جراء التنشئة والتربية غير الصحيحة
وأهميته كذلك في أنه يوضح في البداية أن هناك أنماطًا نفسية مؤذية يجب حلها حتى نفهم الكتاب

وهذه الصفات الأربعة هي
1/الرجل النفور :وهو الرجل الذي لا يتقبل الجزء الأنثوي داخله ويرى أن المشاعر ضعف وهذا يجعله يدمر أنوثة النساء التابعات له لأنه يرى فيهن ضعفه الذي يتهرب منه ...فهو يسخر من مشاعر أخته وزوجته وطفلته وينظر بعين الاحتقار لكل النساء بمشاعرهن السخيفة في نظره رغم أهميتهن بالنسبة إليه ،فوجودهن يحفظ تقديره لذاته فهو ليس مثلهن

2/المرأة الضحية المعذبة:وهي المرأة التي لا تتقبل الجزء الذكري داخلها
هي المرأة المنهزمة التي نشأت على أن المرأة هي كائن ضعيف حقير ولا يليق بها أن تكون شخصية لها استقلالها وكرامتها بل يعرضها ذلك للإهانة والسخط ويجلب عليها الفشل والمصائب
وجود هذا النوع في المجتمع نتجَ عنه - كرد فعل -المرأة المستقلة

3/الرجل الحساس :وهو الرجل الذي يهرب من ذكورته ..وهو الرجل الذي يكون تأثر بضعف والده أو رأى أن والده استخدم قوته ورجولته بشكل سيء أو نشأ في كنف والدته وتطبع بصفاتها فإذا حدثت مشكلة سيبكي ولن يتصرف

4/المرأة المستقلة
وهي المرأة التي تنكر أنوثتها
وتتهرب منها ومن مشاعرها وزينتها وتتطبع بسلوكيات الرجل

وقال نقطة ضرورية وهي أن الولد من يربيه هو أبوه فهو يكتسب رجولته وذاته من أبيه ثم يتعلم أن يحب ذاته من أمه
والبنت تكتسب أنوثتها من أمها وتحب أنوثتها من أبيها
وبالتالي إذا كانت أنوثة الأم مشوهة أو كان الأب ينكر على ابنته أنوثتها فستكون النتيجة نمطًا مشوهًا
وكذلك العكس صحيح بالنسبة إلى الولد

ثم تحدث في الفصل الرابع عن كيفية نظر الرجل والمرأة إلى العالم بشكل مختلف /ويتخلل حديثه بإرشادات عملية حتى نقرب المسافات فلا نفرض ما يميزنا على الآخر بشكل مطلق.

وفي الفصل الخامس أوضح أن هذه الاختلافات تزداد وضوحا وحدة أثناء الضغوط، وكيف يستجيب كل منا للضغط.

ثم شرح أعراض الضغط عند الجنسين ،وهذا مهم حتى لا نزيد أعباء الطرف الآخر بعدم تفهمنا له وعدم تقبلنا له أثناء أزماته وحتى نكون أكثر قدرة على العطاء وقتما يكون الآخر محتاجًا إلينا

:بعد ذلك في الفصل العاشر تحدث عن الاحتياجات النفسية الأساسية
الرجل يحتاج الحب يليه التقديريليه التقبل تليه الثقة به
فهذا ما سيشعر الرجل برجولته في العلاقة
والمرأة تحتاج الحب يليه الاهتمام يليه الفهم يليه الاحترام
فهذا ما سيشعر المرأة بأنوثتها في العلاقة
طبعًا كلنا نحتاج كل هذا ولكن هو يقصد أن لكل جنس أولويات نفسية حيوية بدونها يفقد الشعور بقيمته وذاته في العلاقة
فاحتياجات الرجل-مثلًا- إذا غابت تشعره أنه منهك ومستنفذ وقد تراه يقول أنه يعلم أن الآخر جميل ويبذل لأجله ولكن لا يشعر بالامتلاء النفسي ....هذا لاختلال ترتيب الأولويات

وأننا نخطئ عندما نفدم للآخر ما نحتاجه أو ما نراه وهذا يفسر نقص ما يعطيه الآخرُ لنا ...أنه هو أيضًا يشعر بنقص ما يأخذه وما يُبذل لأجله

وبتحقيق الاحتياجات الأربعة لكل فرد تكون العلاقة متوازنة نفسيًّا،ولكن بغياب أحد هذه الأولويات يفقد المرء الشعور بذاته وقيمته في هذه العلاقة


:بعد ذلك تحدث عن الطبائع المتكاملة
1/الاهتمام والثقة
مقطع مفيد لد.أسامة يحيى في تربية البنت والولد
2/التفهم والتقبل
3/الاحترام والتقدير
إذا كنت تطلب من شريك حياتك ثقة، فامنحه اهتمامًا
وإذا كنت تحتاج التفهم، فامنح التقبل
:نقطتان أخيرتان
1/
قد لا نكون واعين بما نحتاجه وبما يسعدنا ولا نفهم ما نحتاج بالضبط حتى نتمكن من التعبير عنه لأنفسنا قبل غيرنا
ومن هنا من الضرورى الصبر والسعي لفهم نفوسنا واحتياجات من الكتب والشروحات أو الاستعانة بمقالات ومتخصصين
.وأن نخصص جزءًا من قراءاتنا لذلك ليس ترفًا أبدًا ،فطبيعيٌّ أن تكون الثقافة متكاملة الجوانب
وفهم النفس رحلة ممتعة تبذل فيها جهدًا قليلًا كل يوم ومع مرور الوقت تلمس الفارق الكبير
ومن الرائع عندما نسعى لمزيد من التحسين أوتحديد مشكلة في العلاقة هو الاستعانة بأهل العلم ، فصاحب المرض يشعر به لكن لا يعني أنه قادر على تشخيصه أو علاجه
2/
قد لا تشعر بحاجتك أو افتقادك لصفة معينة ولا تستطيع تخيل النتيجة المترتبة على تغييرعادةٍ ما ولكن تشعر بأثرها عندما تطبقها ،وهذا طبيعي أننا لا نستشعر ولانتخيل شيئًا كان ناقصًا منَّا ولا نحسن إدراكه وإلا ما شكونا أو تأثرنا بغيابه...فليس منطقيًّا أن تتذوق وتميز طعمَ الأمر قبل أن تقربه وتلعقه
لذا من المناسب أن تفتح قلبك ونفسك للحياة وتستكشف آفاقًا جديدة من الحياة وتضيفها إلى عالمك
ولذا ما دمت ستبذل جهدًا فابحث عن المعرفة والنصيحة عند أهلها

[Anna Roos Wijngaarden · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read. This book helped me make sense of elements of my childhood. It allows for more empathy in the other sex. I’m a bit critical on some aspects of the book; gender roles are shifting and I’m sure parts of Gray’s perspective are more subjective than he makes them seem. However, the tradition of men and women in interaction is long and therefore I’m all for adding this book to your individual practical everyday life Canon.

[Althea Talib · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book reveals the key of creating and mantaining successful relationships between men and women lies in accepting our differences. By trying to make our partners over in our own likeness.

I would recommend this book to my friends that actually like self help book as it does have alot of stories about experiences from Dr Gray. However, personally i did not enjoy this book as much as i expected, i honestly wanted more views and opinions than one fixed opinion on how to fix relationships as honestly alot of the things can be very unexpecting during a relationships

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Dr. Gray for writing this book. The insights I gained by reading it helped save my relationship with my then-girlfriend. She also read it. This book helped us understand the "why" behind some of the things we each did that made each other crazy. Somehow just understanding why she acted like that removed a lot of the anger in my response. She also understands more about why I have the typical "guy reactions" and no longer fights it when I don't react the way she would. We've been very happily married now for almost 9 years. I owe that at least in part to this book. I can't give this book any higher praise than that.

[Jeff · Rating 5 out of 5]

1st Read: August 5, 1996 - August 12, 1996
I had read this book and found it to be an excellent guide for what I was going through at the time. I knew where my faults were and what I had needed to do to bring on personal change and growth. I took the necessary steps to make things better between us. We never got back together and she just fell off the planet it seems. But I am stronger today because of that ordeal and from what I took from the book and put it to memory.

[د. عبد الكريم محمد الوظّاف · Rating 5 out of 5]

هذا الكتاب؛ هو مكمل لكتاب المؤلف؛ الرجال من المريخ، النساء من الزهرة؛ إذ يتضمن هذا الكُتيب؛ قواعد، وقوانين؛ للتعامل مع كلا الطرفين، مثل أن الرجل؛ يحتاج إلى الثقة، وإلى التقدير؛ بينما المرأة؛ تحتاج إلى حسن الإصغاء... كتاب رائع؛ يستحق القراءة؛ خصوصاً؛ لمن قرأ كتاب الرجال من المريخ، النساء من الزهرة، أو يود قراءته

[Fenixbird SandS · Rating 5 out of 5]

LEARN HOW WE DIFFER.. HIGH PRAISE TO JOHN GRAY FOR HIS INSIGHTS...90 % ACCURATE AS TO WOMEN'S WHATEVERS.... IN MY HUMBLE OPINION.....

THE LESSONS IN THESE INCREDIBLY "PEACEABLE" PAGES...CAN BE APPLIED ANYWHERE...OUTSIDE OF MALE/FEMALE RELATIONSHIPS!

JOHN GRAY IS WORTHY OF HIS DEGREE...

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! Worth to be read twice. I have read this book 11 years ago. Nowadays, I found myself in need to read it again to improve my attitudes.. it is really helping. one of its best quote is "Judgments provoke temporary dysfunction, resentments provoke continuous dysfunction."

[Anita Deters · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it fascinating that the author pegged reactions of women and men that I identified with many of the scenarios. If you are in any type of relationship, and we all are, I believe this book is worth the read.

[James · Rating 2 out of 5]

I lost this book, and that's okay with me. If what it says hadn't been said a million times before, it might have been worth trudging through.

[Katherine Gapasin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very insightful. I learned a lot. :)

[Taeryn Rose]

So my friends and I have a tradition that every year on our vacation we find an old relationship advice book at the thrift store, and give select readings... The books are usually misogynistic and crazy, and this one provided a lot of entertainment and incredulous laughter!

But I ended up deciding to skim through this whole book because I was curious… Are men and women so different? John Gray seems to think so! I personally think we should not make assumptions or stereotypes for either gender, but be curious about each person’s unique experience and personality. However, John posited that women are subjective and open to the world, while men are objective and focused on goals. That we are literally from different planets. Well John, maybe we have differences, but we’re also all just humans?!

They say a broken clock is right twice a day, and while this book had a lot of generalizations about men and women that gave me pause, and some questionable metaphor stories (if you’ve read the CRAZY preface you’ll know), I did however have some takeaways:

1) We should remember that not everyone processes life the way we do, and we should seek to communicate well with each other, express our own needs and try to meet the other person needs

Ok that’s it.

I did find the concept interesting that the feminine/masculine energies have different characteristics and that men/women may lean more one way, but we can “embrace” the opposite side of us without rejecting the other. But it was quite generalized to gender.

I also found intriguing his idea of the woman vs men’s “complementary” needs of care/ trust, understanding/ acceptance, respect/ appreciation.

But I’m just going to get on with my life and try to love/ respect/ trust/ appreciate everyone regardless of gender. So there.

[Lady Earth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Félő, hogy mostanában pont az ilyen nagyon-nagyon hasznos, a párkapcsolatok szempontjából életmentő könyv nem bír olyan érdekességgel, mint bármilyen szexuális másságot taglaló regény. :/ Ebben a kötetben ugyanis a szerző legnagyobbrészt összefoglalja a főbb tanulságokat, amelyeket a Mars-Vénuszos könyveiben tárgyal részletesen. Arról, hogy mi a különbség férfi és női pszichológiai beállítódás között, milyenek stresszhelyzetben, mire van szükségük, mit tudnak adni egymásnak, és hogyan tudnak harmonikusan, félreértések nélkül együtt élni. Szívem szerint mindenkinek ajánlanám, aki valaha is szeretne boldog és szeretetteljes kapcsolatban élni!

[Soum Cherry · Rating 4 out of 5]

une lecture très enrichissante qui nous explique à quel point l'homme et la femme sont deux êtres différents et qui m'a fait rire parfois car il y'a pleins d'exemples de couples en détresse ou chaque femme ou homme interprètent le comportement ou les propos de son partenaire autrement! ce livre est intéressant qui vous aide à mieux entretenir une relation conjugale je le conseille à tout les couples et surtout le lire à deux lol!

[Arun Narayanaswamy · Rating 2 out of 5]

A very male oriented view on how relationships should be. Though there are interesting bits in this small book, majority of it is one persons (authors) view of the world. None of it comes about as a well researched topic and generalises various characteristics of each gender. Also the world has moved on since the author penned this, and certain characteristics make no sense. A book to ignore if not to avoid!

[Regina · Rating 3 out of 5]

In general, I could say that this book did make me understand more about the differences between 2 genders. But some opinions as well as perspectives are quite old, i think it due to the fact that the book was written in 1993. People changed a lot
One more thing I want to see in the book is how should a man change ? It didn’t consider specifically.

[Marwa Abdelkader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Accurate descriptions and explanations to many conflicts that really make sense!

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first reaction is to want this to be required reading for anyone in a relationship or looking to be in a relationship. And to tell my husband that he needs to read this.

[Nemo Sese · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF 60%
I these types of books but the author have to tell you informations in a way that it’s actually intresting. This book was like school books so boringn and without a life to it.

[Hez Flourish · Rating 2 out of 5]

Understanding with the application of knowledge is pivotal to any relationship

[Nam Van · Rating 2 out of 5]

It good but to much repeating

[Chantal Etrasco]

Eva

[Nomvelo Mpofu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting book

[Johanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very descriptive, and I really enjoyed it. It did a good job depicting the differences between men and women and pointing out their different needs. From a woman's perspective, he was very accurate. I appreciated as well that he emphasized that these are often generalizations, and not all women will fit the characteristics of "woman" as described in his text but that does not mean there's something wrong with her...these are just generalizations of what typically is present in a relationship. I particularly liked his way of describing the different emotional needs. I've seen lists from other texts like Love and Respect, Real Marriage, and His Needs, Her Needs, but nothing seemed to make as much sense to me as the lists in this book. For men, love, trust, acceptance, and appreciation...and these are of his ACTIONS. For women, love, care of, understanding, and respect...and these are of her FEELINGS. It was very insightful and educational, and I learned a great deal.

He instructs on how to use his feeling letter technique at the end of the book. I've not tried it or anything, but it seems very original and from he says, helpful. So that's a resource that could be potentially helpful.

This is not a Christian text, which was good for me as all the other marriage/relationship texts I've read have been from a Christian perspective. This one has probably been my favorite. From a Biblical perspective, all that he says is fine. He approaches the topic from a humanistic perspective, which is okay if you are able to realize how that affects the things that he says... I also found his definition and description of true love to be inaccurate and lacking. Besides that, I have no qualms from a Biblical perspective at all.

[Seth · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got married for the first and hopefully only time last year. My lovely wife read this book cover to cover recently and has asked that I read it too. I'm not usually interested in self help books. I prefer plot themed stories be them fictional or non-fiction. But that's beside the point, I would be a lousy husband if I didn't give her recommended book a try. This book did offer a couple of useful tips on how to enhance communication with your spouse, or other individuals whom you must interact with. It was also however rather redundant and elongated in explaining ideas that could have been expressed in a far smaller number of total paragraphs.

[Sherri · Rating 3 out of 5]

I go into these self-help books knowing I may only get one or two good pieces of advice, but isn't that worth it if you learn something worthwhile? What I enjoyed about this book is how much it taught me about myself. No, I'm not a stereotypical woman, but I tried to read this honestly and look at things I do that matched Gray's theories, and if I play devil's advocate I have to admit I recognized some things that I wouldn't have otherwise admitted. Having SOME theory as to why I or males I know may do the things they do is at least comforting.

[Melissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

This has really helped my understand my husband more. I think that anyone struggling with their significant other, especially in communication could benefit from the principles talked about in this book regardless of who in the relationship fits the roles talked about.

[Alan Engel · Rating 1 out of 5]

Gray argues that there are masculine personality traits and feminine personality traits, and that these vary in individuals depending on their masculine/feminine balance. This is out of date and is based on stereotypes. I shelved this book because of this.