Carnage & Grace: Confessions of an Adulterous Heart

by Tullian Tchividjian

The picture on the cover is always hard for me to look at. It was taken in the Spring of 2018 at St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City. I was sitting quietly by myself and just happened to look up when my wife, Stacie, snapped the picture. Every time I see this photo, I’m reminded of how sad I was. I had wrecked my life three years earlier and lost everything. I was still staggering from the internal and external consequences of it all—the guilt, the regret, the shame. I was hopeless most days, convinced I’d never be happy again. I still feel like that, sometimes. But, thankfully, not as often as I used to. I’m broken but breathing. This is my story . . . this is my song. Tullian

Against the backdrop of his own very public collapse, best-selling author Tullian Tchividjian reveals how hope can find us in our darkest places. Carnage & Grace is an unflinchingly honest memoir that explores the hard road of recovery and the mercy that finds us over and over along the way. This is a book about desperation and deliverance, hopelessness and healing. It’s a book about how God’s restoring grace always flows downward and gathers in the low places of life—in the back alleys of our secrets, in the ruins of our regrets, and in the wreckage of our repeated failures.

“My friend Tullian’s new book has everything I want in a memoir. It’s raw and unsanitized and uncomfortable. He is willing to expose the worst parts of himself, which somehow exposes the best parts of God. This isn’t so much a story of a Christian celebrity who fell from grace. It’s the untold story of a broken human being who fell into grace—discovering God on the bathroom floor of his wrecked life. This is a must read!” —Jonathan Merritt, Author and contributing writer for The Atlantic

Genres: Christian Living

202 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 5, 2024

About the author

Tchividjian is the grandchild of Reverend Billy Graham & Ruth Bell Graham & the son of Gigi Graham Tchividjian.


William Graham Tullian Tchividjian (pronounced cha-vi-jin) was the Senior Pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. A Florida native, he is a visiting professor of theology at Reformed Theological Seminary and a grandson of Billy and Ruth Graham. Tullian was the founding pastor of the former New City Church which merged with Coral Ridge in April of 2009.

Reviews

[Will Standridge, II · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot of people in my circle will certainly be hesitant (or refuse) to pick up Carnage and Grace because of Tullian Tchividjian’s past mistakes—sins he addresses openly throughout this memoir.

I first encountered Tullian’s writing back in high school with One Way Love, and it had a significant impact on me. It was raw, honest, and full of genuinely beautiful reflections on God’s grace.

This new book carries that same rawness on steroids. It’s messy, real, and deeply moving. Tullian’s transparency about his failures and his need for grace is evident in every chapter. While I’m currently working through my own questions about how pastoral qualifications and restoration should work, but that’s not really pertinent here. He’s not my pastor, it’s not my story, and it’s not my church—though I know many will avoid this book for those reasons. I also have some reservations about the need for “tell-alls” and “exposure stories.” I understand their purpose, but I’m also aware of the voyeuristic curiosity that often drives us to dig into someone else’s struggles. I’m not entirely sure which drew me to this book, but I found myself ordering it anyway.

What hasn’t changed, is Tullian’s ability to deliver some of the most beautiful and thought-provoking illustrations and explanations about the law and gospel. He has a unique way of bringing those truths to life to an overly pietistic evangelical subculture that will affirm total depravity on a theology test, but won’t acknowledge it in a Christian’s experience.

I think this book will be a valuable resource for those who have fallen and need a clear reminder of God’s grace. It might also be helpful for those who are insistent on hiding behind the idea that they’re better than others and would never mess up like this—it might expose some things in your heart that you didn’t know were there. I think it did in mine.

While I didn’t find all the language necessary, I also recognize that it’s not my story to tell. Was it perfect? No. Was it helpful? Yes. I’m better for having read it. Would I recommend it? I’m not entirely sure. But I’m definitely glad that *I* read it.

[Victoria Bylin · Rating 5 out of 5]

No sugarcoating here. No stained glass tones. No sanitizing. That’s what I loved about this memoir by Tullian Tchividjian. My Kindle copy is so full of pink, blue and yellow highlights that it resembles a work of art more than a book.

“No sugarcoating” works two ways. The human (sinful) side of the story is vivid. But so is the spiritual side—God’s unconditional love, his grace in the face of our deepest regrets. Like it or not, we all have stories to tell. My favorite line in the book just might be, “Screw it. I’ll go first.”

If you’re looking for a meaningful book to recommend to someone who (for whatever reason) would never set foot in a Christian bookstore, this is it. Highly recommended.

[Joe Oaster · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciated his honesty and openness. My wife and I have loved Tullian before and after his life was changed. We have also said that we would gladly attend his church. Thank you for a great book and just being so open with all of us. The church needs more of this

[Heidi Austel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful story of God’s healing mercy and grace

This honest memoir of falling down and doing the “what was unthinkable” was an breath of fresh air. Why? Honesty! Unfixedness! Brokenness. Those are words I know well. So, though the things that broke me and that broke him are different, God is still the hero of his story and mine! Not someone with all the answers but someone who experiences an ongoing regret because he lost so much. If you’re looking for powerful, deep, doctrinal dissertations, you won’t find it here. What you’ll find, if you’re honest, is someone just like you. Someone who has made mistakes or is living the life they never wanted, and now lives with haunting consequences, but someone who has been changed for the better in all those beautiful places that God restores beauty in the brokenness of our lives, when we allow our brokenness to be molded into a sweet aroma by a loving Savior. It reads like you’re sitting down at the local coffee shop and allowing him to just tell you everything that has happened and how God is daily restoring him, not by removing “what is,” but by telling you of how God did and is now doing!

[Natalie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I usually love reading memoirs so I was excited about this book. I attempted, multiple times, to push through to the end but I couldn’t do it. There was a lack of fluidity and reverence that made it difficult to enjoy. Maybe it is a style preference.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I've learned of a grace that's got some teeth to it, a gritty grace that shines brighter when contrasted with the darkness of bloody slaughter and injury that results from struggle and battle and war—in a word, carnage. There's a lot of carnage in the pages that follow. An excruciating amount." - Carnage and Grace.

Back in the day, I went to a men's recovery group with a good buddy of mine. It was a place where broken men showed up and just shared their stories with each other, that's it. No agenda. No goal. One guy began to share his story and as he shared our eyes got bigger and bigger, I mean, you couldn't make up his story; if it was a novel, no one would believe it. When we were driving home we were both saying, "well, we are pretty bad, but we are not as bad as THAT guy!" Shortly thereafter, we laughed because the moment exposed our pharisaical hearts.

Reading Tullian Tchividijian's aptly named book, Carnage and Grace, brought that event back to mind because as Tullian readily admits, his story is about carnage, ugly, ugly carnage, adultery, a broken marriage, offended children, but it's also about grace and as someone who struggles with being a Pharisee at heart, I always find myself struggling with the grace, so this book was really good for me.

I won't bother reiterating Tullian's story, you can find it online easily if you don't know about it, this book is an unflinching look at his fall from rising evangelical minister to being forced to resign from his church and ending up out of the ministry altogether. It's brutal and messy and indeed, just when you think the messiness is over, it gets even messier.

I think there are two reasons to read this book:

1. Read it if you're broken and hurting because you don't really understand grace, at least experientially, until you need it yourself. Tullian writes: "You see, grace doesn’t really prevail until we run out of steam, and I hadn’t arrived at the place where I was out of aces. I had yet to truly thirst for grace like that psalmic deer panting for water. I had not come to the end of me, with nothing else to hold on to, no one and nowhere else to turn. I really had no idea."

2. Read it if you're a pharisee and struggle with God and his will-nilly way of giving grace to literally anyone and everyone, especially to those who don't deserve it! (I say that tongue in cheek, but that's a Pharisee for you). Tullian writes these sobering words for if you're a Pharisee like me: "Two sobering things I’ve learned since my own personal collapse are (1) you are capable of getting lost in a way that is unthinkable to you right now, and (2) God’s love and forgiveness are big enough to cover the fact that your greatest failure may be ahead of you."

[Michael Heidle · Rating 5 out of 5]

In some ways this was the hardest book I've ever read -- not because it was poorly written; it is in fact masterfully written; no, hard because each page was like a pointed shovel digging around in the darkness of my heart and exposing my own sinful shortcomings!! I stopped many times; I went back to re-read pages and chapters many more times; and I cried, and argued, and bawled even more than that!!
Tullian covered what he did wrong with humble honesty and no salaciousness; then he addressed how he and his family endured the painful fallout that resulted; then he spoke of the moments and people, and books, and messages that brought facets of healing little by little until a picture of God's grace was complete!
I am profoundly grateful that he has found healing! The process is much harder for those of us who don't have the network of grace-filled friends he had;so this is not a How To book of healing, nor would Tullian pretend it is. But it is the most honest book about sin and grace you could hope to find!

[Jennifer Hines Hansel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! Tullian fell into sexual sin years ago and lost everything. He is one of Billy Graham’s Grandsons. His Grandfather never stopped loving him. And neither did God. The book is his journey through his sin and to the other side. Who stayed with him, who left forever. It’s also a story of Gods redemption, God’s grace, mercy and living with regrets. An important read for everyone in the church! A very healing read as well.

[Dailey Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Grateful for this memoir-for its authenticity and raw vulnerability. Disgraced pastors tend to hide, resting in shame. But Tullian? He says, “screw it, I’ll go first” in order to create a safe place for the sinners (all of us) to do the same.

“What offends us most about Jesus is not who He leaves out but rather who He lets in.”

If you want to know who Jesus REALLY is, read this.

[Joshua Douglas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Transparency which is healing!

A needed book in a day of people who can’t find their identity because they have no “laughing heart.” So many places in this book made for moments of selah or a needed pause which led to praise. Praise in the I know you are fond of my Lord because you’re still here with me. Great book, still thinking through Al of it deeply.

[Danna Mann · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book about the wonderful grace of God

It's an honest, open book about the life of a pastor who made some mistakes in his life that cost him his marriage, church and sent him on a downward spiral but who by God's grace has come back to use his story to help others. I would recommend it to anyone!

[Mica Dunn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t thank Tullian enough for this book. To be able to read this during the season I’m in. This has helped change my perspective on so much, for example me. I’m thankful for the rawness this man of God brings.

[Jay Jennings · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not your garden variety Christian memoir. The emotions, descriptions and language is raw and real. Tullian owns every bit of the damage he caused. Very much worth the read.

[Matt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Man, this was tough to read. I used to love reading Tullian's books back in the day. This book is extremely raw and gives you an in-depth look at Tullian's fall from grace.

[Jodi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. So relatable for me on multiple levels. No religious bullshit here. Just pure honesty, grace, and love.

[David T Bosshard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.
— 1 Corinthians 10:12