This is easily the worst book I’ve read in a long time. If I had to describe it in three words, they would be tacky, pretentious, and cliche. It was straight up painful to read and took me way longer than it should have to get through. The writing is comparable to a middle schooler with the sentence and paragraph structures, world building, character development, and language usage. It’s like reading a book written by a teenager who thinks they’re special with their quirky dark thoughts and the sense of humor of a middle school “jock” who thinks they’re the funniest thing. In the authors note, which starts the book and absolutely screams pick me girl, the author says “name it, I’ve butchered it”. Well buddy, Bride or Die (which the title itself doesn’t even fit the story rather just tries to be a play on words) proves that point. Nepotism runs strongly in this one, something the author acknowledges in the acknowledgments saying she hope she doesn’t bankrupt both her and her brother-in-law for publishing this book. The self depreciation attempts in the acknowledgments are incredibly pick-me girl but accurately hit the point that this is published due to nepotism. And thanking her partner for letting her talk out the book to get rid of plot holes? Sorry buddy, but you missed a ton of them. The writing is repetitive, with words being repeated over and over. The plot is absolutely lacking and there are so many extraneous details that just make the sub-par mystery so much worse. There is absolutely zero character development. It was obvious who the killer was by the number of times they were referenced, regardless of if it made sense. The dialogue was utterly unbelievable and the characters were outright unlikeable. There was soooooo much women hate, attacks on people’s appearances, and shaming of sexual activity throughout the entire book. The attempts at humor constantly fell flat. The author was like the jock class clown who makes jokes about people’s insecurities and really crappy your mom/that’s what she said jokes and expects everyone in the class to laugh. It played on every cliche out there. Oh, and did you know, it’s set in Pennsylvania? I was planning on writing a more comprehensive review and took notes throughout the entire book, but I find now that it is way too much effort to expend when I can just share my chronological list of thoughts while reading below.
Warning: the following notes contain swearing and spoilers. They are unedited immediate reactions to the content that I was reading rather than edited and organized thoughts. Also, if it sounds like it could be a compliment, read it sarcastically. I recommend reading them before picking up the book to save you from wasting your time reading it.
-Authors note: “I even went to college for it I’ll wait for you to stop laughing”, wow so quirky,(turns out I haven’t stopped laughing yet it ended up being so bad), uses way too many damn parenthesis
-she really stopped running just because she got cat called by college boys for a while? That seems a little weak honestly and unfortunately is a pretty common thing so I’m surprised that it made someone quit running who liked and ran consistently, doesn’t seem very believable
-what in tacky’s name is the whole wedding thing, unbelievable vibes
-too much women hating women shit
-the sentence structure is often weird and the writing is choppy
-no women want heart shaped jewelry even from their best friend
-dialogue feels inauthentic and unbelievable
-for someone who roasted sitcoms and tv in favor of books in the beginning, the book sure has the same derivative and basic nature of the dialogue (and maybe plot)
-so much women hate
-how many times in one page can the author say Pennsylvania and town names. Also the creativity overall is just zero when it comes to names of places and things. Either just set it in a real named town or name it something completely different not just the first half of the name
-Literally Claire hates on every single woman who isn’t her or her best friend and I cant fuck with it
-the roasts aren’t even good. They’re all about physical attributes which I hate and aren’t even creative
-is everyone in this just filthy rich
-so many stereotypes
-who needs to read a menu for their favorite pizza place to order peppers onion pepperoni and sausage?
-who the fuck leaves their door unlocked in a city and what’s the shit with the audacity of a man to just enter. And what in the unprofessional asshole arrogant fuck just shows up at night at someone’s house and then is a dick about work stuff
-all the characters are unlikeable and arrogant
-the character descriptions are so tropey and stereotypical “he may be an asshole but at least he’s hot”
-the characters are fucking 26 this is not believable? Luke, four years in active navy (plus the navy training which is like another year) and on top of that was in the medical side of the navy as a hospital corpse man which yes you can go right into but still is medical oriented and shit but then is a well known documentary maker with an award for a documentary on housewives who lived in California then moved back to fucking west haven (and where are all these rich fuckers coming from in this. It’s central PA)
-I’m not like other girls I play video games is that a problem
-Murders who would have been at least a bit more entertaining or make sense even if they were predictable 1) Luke 2) Claire 3) Mr and Mrs Leibovitz 4) Rosie 5) Mindy 6) her mom
-the physics of the bathroom scene make no fucking sense also why didn’t she just call someone including the client who just left
-bride or die makes no sense either the plot it should have been bride and die
-if someone padlocked the door to kidnap or murder or attack her, then why didn’t they also steal her purse with her keys and phone or take her phone and keys, unlock her car, put the keys back in the purse hide in the car then kidnap and kill her and the book could have been over at page 50
-Luke and his house and all that in PA is unbelievable also Claire everyone here is used to the smell of fertilizer and doesn’t make icky faces
-not today satan is used so many times
-I’m on page 52, wish I could dnf but can’t. I can’t fucking stand Claire. She’s nasty and not in a fun or interesting way but in an egotistical and arrogant way without any character to back it up or make her interesting. All she does is put people down and the whole over the top proposal thing is honestly gross and annoying
-what the fuck is this house it makes no sense
-Luke’s timeline is officially impossible. No way did he serve four active years in the military plus the training camps that he had to go through before that to become active duty (would have started at 18 at the earliest, so at the earliest he got out of the military at 22 but more likely 23), attend film school after, graduate, make an award winning raw documentary, buy a fucking mansion and is only 26 but he is an expert in gritty real and shocking stories that are so much more than journalism
-cliche cliche and more cliche
-Claire’s rant about proposals and massive to dos being the epitome of romance and that they’re so thoughtful and heartfelt gives me such an ick
-sexy man who has all the skills and talent and cares isn’t a cynic but a realist is absolutely unheard of wow
-there are so many frivolous details and street names and useless content that actually distracts from the story. A ton of filler to make it unnecessarily long. For the lack of “world building” and character development there was plenty of times were I was reminded that this is west haven and Pennsylvania and given every street she turned onto
-Lukes preachy unprofessional shit that’s supposed to be flirty banter falls so flat and is hypocritical and not at all entertaining
-why is there so much hate in this shit. There is no reason for Claire to be like “smiling at the mental image of a black scorpion dangling from Wendy’s beak like lips” dude it’s so unnecessary, out of no where (Wendy has literally been in one scene for two seconds at the start of the book) and I’m sick of the author using people’s physical attributes to attack people. Claire is just an unlikeable bully
-Claire’s internal monologues are so repetitive “this person did such a minor thing and I hate them and this is a way id love to cause them harm those douche bags”
-the friends are like mean girls meets sex in the city and in a weird doesn’t make sense kind of way and they’re conversations are supposed to be funny but are just cringey and the old timey Claire thing isn’t it either. The bar scene is so dumb
-the amount of time Claire talks about ripping off people’s limbs or killing them or serial killer binders and shit like that is so much and you can tell the author is trying to be funny but it’s so flat and overdone. It’s like the class jock who thinks they’re funny but really just puts other people down or makes vailed threats and calls it a joke and laughs themself but everyone else is just annoyed.
-the last names are so cliche and tacky ‘flutter’’hart’
-Claire is a selfish conceited asshole “oh no my roommate who I constantly slander is missing and now it’s my problem and that’s so annoying I have a proposal to plan”
-also there are scenes where I think the author forgot where the characters were and suddenly have them appear in a new location in a single sentence (apartment to police station)
-so repetitive. Everytime anything with the mystery/case pops up Claire is like this is it I’m no longer involved with this i have to work and plan proposals
-there is like zero diversity in the book and the few times there is the characters are such side characters that you either only hear a reference to them or meet them once. Plus domestic violence jokes and references it’s 2024 my dude. None of this shit is funny if other aspects were interesting I’d maybe give the benefit of the doubt for a slip up but it’s too common and the attempts at humor throughout this are terrible
-the tv interview scene was brutal and so hetero and cringey, even when she brought up queer relationships it was like your awkward aunt who is trying to be more okay with everything but still asks who wears the pants or what’s it like during your periods or but if you two have kids they need a mom or dad “that the girlfriend or boyfriend I guess”“hey women wear the pants too” and of course this is the 21st century so women can ask men to marry them but domestic jokes are still cool
-how much of a dumbass can you be to wear jimmy Choos to a frat party. You deserved them being ruined for being dumb. Claire is so unlikeable
-nobody wants to read douche every three seconds
-the wealth in this book is so overwhelming. Every character is rich as shit and pretty much all white and straight. The privilege is so blatant and adds nothing to the story
-luke showing up with a whole ass dr kit is also cringey. Actually this whole scene is painful. The sudden turned on by him and her being an asshole and also NSAIDs really? The author is trying way too hard to make him sound cool and smart but it’s just so unrealistic.
-the whole thing with Luke and the documentary about the missing/murdered women was so obvious it was painful
-the 180 with Luke is so weird.
-HOW DID THEY GO FROM BEING WEIRD AND RUDE TO EACHOTHER AND WITHIN AN TWO HOURS HES TICKLING HER FEET IM UNCOMFY WHAT IN THE FOOT FETTISH
-ah yes a ton of slut shaming and more woman hate
-also Barney is totally the murderer. the focus and consistent revisiting of his proposal/story gave it away. No subtlety whatsoever with that. Plus the start of the book but I was so caught up in how bad it was and cringing at it all that I didn’t even catch the name of who it was until I looked back. This book is such a stereotype cliche with plot points that are either totally predicatable or make absolutely no sense or are super unrealistic. Or all of the above. (Pg 162 guess). Unless it would have been a cool storyline (but I know it’s not) it would have been Claire or Luke. But her subtlety/attempted foreshadowing is a zero. She talks about him way too much and it would have to be someone entering/in the scene for the proposal stuff. Since the stalking happened before they got a bunch of new clients it has to be him.
-the Jason shit is annoying and it’s obvious she’s trying to use him as a red herring
-I’m so sick of the pick me girl energy and the you’re not like other girls. “I’ve never known a girl who likes metal” vomit. “I’m an enigma in yoga pants”
-bitch your obsession with giving this man blue balls is gross. Like how conceited do you have to be to think that a slight brush of a titty on someone’s upper arm is going to give him “the bluest of balls”
-“for once he didn’t comment on her idiosyncratic memory technique” girl you literally did it one other time in front of him stop being such a lil self conceited brat
-I’m offended by such a bad that’s what she said joke. It’s rare to get to experience a book that tries so hard to be funny and falls so incredibly flat
-these characters are so unlikeable and the whole run down yet again about the proposal is unnecessary and is described is so much detail and actually makes it much more obvious about who the villain is supposed to be talking about being a control freak and having a vision and almost saying no to him as a candidate and blah blah blah
-ah yes, we must ensure the one person in this from humble backgrounds is identified and said to not be a gold digger
-I was trying to ignore it but the to dos at the start of every chapter are stupid and offer nothing to the story.
-the egos and Claire’s reactions and Luke being so controlling and undermining and ugh I just can’t with this
-Luke holding up a hand to dismiss people is such a dickish character trait, how can someone make every single person in a book annoying and dislikeable
-the way Luke and Claire’s relationship develops is inauthentic and unbelievable
-even the murder mystery aspect is so cliche and basic
-ugh cringe. Now Luke plays guitar too to clear his head
“You already now most of my embarrassing favorite things” bitch video games and a love of pizza and metal music? Fuck off pick me girl
-I’m so sick of all the back and forth with Luke and Claire and then every cliche interruption when they get too close. It’s such a poorly executed slow burn
-yet another fucking eye roll “am I still a man if I admit that I enjoy the taste of blueberries in my alcohol” I’m so over the gender shit and cliche jokes. Like this is not endearing or cute or funny
-“you deserve 1000 volts straight to the nipples” cringe, eye roll
-when Jason shows up to her apartment after it’s trashed and she’s asking if he broke in, this girl really gives him the facts rather than using them to verify that he did or didn’t do it.
-the dialogue is just so unnatural
-the old times Claire and monocle thing is so ridiculous and does not make her crappy character any more endearing. I just roll my eyes
-I’ve thought this for a while but I do totally think it’s weird that Kyle is doing this over the top grand proposal thing and they still don’t live together but totally could. It’s just bizarre to me
-Luke’s overprotectiveness is too much. Everyone is so toxic
-what kind of judgey asshole keeps a list of someone else’s sexual partners. That’s fucked up. There is way too much slut shaming and women hate in this. The notebook and the way Claire speaks about Courtney is gross and so unnecessary. The author really wrote petty behaviors in this. This isn’t funny or cute or beneficial to the story. This information could have been given in so many ways but the author chose to use shaming someone for sex as a way to move her plot along.
-the author is trying so hard to appeal to readers with tropes. Claire doesn’t really keep putting herself in danger or doing anything cool
-Luke calls Claire kind which is not shown once in the whole damn book
-the author is obsessed with PA and it’s town and geography, always saying town names or Pennsylvania or West Haven Time and Time again and it’s too much.
-by page 310 this doesn’t need to be this long
-the Steve proposal and scenes are unnecessary filler
-a chorus of damns following her after a beyond mediocre roast? No way
-the kiss scene was so so and the book end thing was not at all surprising since the author always makes some force of nature interrupt them
-ah yes another joke about domestic violence
-Claire blaming Luke for the bookend thing is stupid
-the author is obsessed with putting only Pennsylvania things in the book to the point where it’s cringey. Best rhubarb pie at the diner that’s her favorite, teaberry ice cream is her favorite, now birch beer is her favorite ice cream
-the way Claire is talking/acting on the drugs is unrealistic sounding and just feels like someone guessing what drugs do to someone and making it some kind of “endearing” (it’s not) scene. It’s stupid and unbelievable
-“if she had worn her pointed heeled stilettos she’d have been over this thing already” bruh it’s a fence. And you claimed you grew up rural but you think you’d be up and over without breaking anything in heels? I can’t stand Claire no one thinks like this
-she earned the pain for doing all of this snooping and fence climbing with a concussion. Such a dumb character. She isn’t even noble about her intentions
-the clothing described in this is so tacky. It’s all neon pink and rhinestones and bleh
-page 383 and it’s still the dumb sex embargo and unnecessary proposal details and Claire repeatedly shitting on Luke. This book could and should be so much shorter
-the dialogue and attempts at banter about sex falls incredibly flat. The adults talk to each other like they’re in middle school. And the way Claire puts people down is also very middle school. It all just reads so petty
-the way the author is trying to build tension is not effective and is pretty transparent. The men following her around and everyone jumping on each other when they think it may be the widowmaker is getting old
-more woman shaming. Woo.
-if I have to read “something doesn’t feel right” one more time after Jason gets arrested…
-I’d be so pissed if someone moved me out of my place without me or my permission
-I’m so glad there isn’t any smut in this because it would have been terrible. Even just the kissing scenes make me cringe “gently pressed the cool steel of his tape measure into her stomach”
-way too hot and cold my god
-this supposed dirty talk is just eye roll inducing
-Nicole’s proposal lowkey makes me want to vomit. And again the dialogue and attempts at comedy are so bad
-so much unnecessary and uninteresting detail
-look Luke talking about her feet again
-Luke is literally always having no shirt or having it partially unbuttoned
-and another crappy that’s what she said joke.
-Jason showing up at Nicole’s engagement party is stupid. So are the lines like “Jason murderers aren’t welcome here”. If you have ever seen sharknado I imagine these lines in exactly the same voice as when the girl is talking about getting bitten and says “and that’s why I really hate sharks”
-oh my god I hate this book. It’s so bad. The whole Jason confrontation and the dialogue and all of it. It’s terrible. The “burns” are worse than things pre-teens say. My face may be in a permanent scowl/cringe from now on.
-the Wendy Claire fight is stupid too. What conceited assholes. The characters are such selfish pricks and I hate them.
-“besides after that girl on girl action” oh yeah that fight really would tickle the pickle of professional focused Luke I’m sure. So believable. And yet another moment of the author trying to make a Nicole and Claire being gay innuendo and eluding to experimenting with sexuality being a great butt if a joke in the friend group who slut shames and hates on women like it’s an Olympic sport