How to Negotiate with Kids . . . Even if You Think You Shouldn't: 7 Essential Skills to End Conflict and Bring More Joy into Your Family

by Scott Brown

A vast readership awaits How to Negotiate with Kids. It addresses some of today's top parenting concerns: how to deal with a child who disagrees, how to avoid being either an ogre or a pushover, and-most of all-how to handle conflicts in ways that build lasting relationships with children.

Scott Brown, a founding member of the world-famous Harvard Negotiation Project, coauthor of Getting Together, and a father of four, has found that parents face the same dilemmas as negotiators everywhere. Now he has adapted his highly acclaimed techniques to teach parents how to:

€ manage their own emotions and reactions during conflict
€ manage their children's emotions and strengthen their emotional control
€ listen in ways that will build understanding
€ negotiate solutions to common problems
€ teach their children to be problem solvers
€ learn when not to negotiate
€ discipline wisely

Personal anecdotes, stories from Brown's workshop families, and sample dialogues of "right" and "wrong" approaches make How to Negotiate with Kids an essential tool for parents who want to reduce conflict and strengthen their families in ways that will protect their children's emotional health and happiness.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

240 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2003

Reviews

[Nathan Albright · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I was reading this book, for example, there were two interesting conversations I had involving it.  One was a conversation with an online friend of mine who felt that kids were able to make puppy dog faces and totally bend her to their will.  Another conversation came when I was reading this book during a quiet moment of preteen camp and the assistant director of the camp thought it was very practical reading.  And so it was, although I have no children nor any short and medium term prospects for any.  At any rate, what is it about this book that sparks people to immediately see its practical benefit?  To add to the mystery, this book does not say anything that is not already glaringly obvious.  There is very little new in this book that has not been said in books about parenting or leadership over the last fifty years or so [1].  The problem, as the author states wisely, is not knowing, but doing.  This book, like any self-help books, seeks to encourage people as far as the doing is concerned.

In terms of its contents, this book is pretty straightforward.  The author begins by encouraging the reader to investigate their own conflict style.  After that, he advises the reader to deal with their emotions before dealing with their children.  Then the author helpfully discusses how adults need to help children deal with their emotions too.  Following this, the author encourages parents to listen to their children in order to learn what is going on inside of their children's brains, because adults do not often know.  After this the author encourages adults to talk to teach, not through lectures but through interactions that are conducted with a good deal of respect and curiosity.  The author then discusses the need to persuade and not coerce for long-term benefits in interaction and then the need to negotiate wisely and deal thoughtfully with what is non-negotiable.  The author then discusses how to mediate sibling rivalry by encouraging children to eventually be able to mediate their own disputes without violence.  The author closes by reminding the reader that they already knew much of if not all of what the author had been saying all along, and that nothing in this book is particularly new.  All of this takes about 200 pages, much of it is filled with the sort of dialogue that peppers books relating to conflict management.

So, the real mystery with this book is, if the book is made up of advice that is widely known and not particularly original, why is it that so few people actually apply the principles talked about here?  This mystery is related to a greater mystery, and that is why do people write so many books about how respect-based and persuasion-based authority works better than coercion but so many people refuse to practice such methods?  What sort of faith is it necessary to have to choose the way of persuasion rather than coercion?  This book is not necessarily a book about deep questions--it is rather practical and prosaic in its approach.  Yet the book provokes difficult questions by virtue of its acknowledgment that negotiation is known but not practiced, and that there are many people who, despite knowing how coercion tends to encourage rebellion and harm the relationship between parents and children, see no way to avoid the false dilemmas of giving in or digging in.  Given how such false dilemmas fill our existence when it comes to communication, why not start dealing with respect-based negotiations as early in life as possible, even if it is unsettling for people to deal with children that way.  It takes us long enough to learn how to negotiate and communicate well, why not start as early as possible?

[1] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2013...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2016...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2012...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2014...

[Sheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Scott Brown has given my life with my children more perspective than any other book. This book is amazing, and yet, nothing in there is all that earth-shattering.
I took away from the book a few key points:
1. Keep your emotions in check.
2. Don't respond emotionally to your child, but do show your emotions (read the book to find out how!)
3. Name yours and your child's emotions
4. Truly try to understand what is going on in your child's head -- and don't guess why, ASK!
5. Involve your child in decision-making -- and this includes when you decide the consequences!
6. Persuade, don't coerce, your child to see your point.
7. Be willing to be flexible and allow your child to change your mind.
I had a revelation as I read the book that the way he talks about handling your children is how I handle conflict at work. At work, and even in my personal life (other than the kids) -- I am pretty universally known as a consensus-builder. I never force people to do what I want them to do, but I work really hard at persuading people to work with me to come up with a win-win solution for all of us. Yet with my kids, I yell at them to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't treat them, and their opinions, with the respect I give my co-workers and friends! How sad is that?
The best thing about the book is in the description of conflicts that we all have with our kids, and the way the same situation could have been solved using his methods. All the arguments are so accurately written that I actually laughed out loud (and was sometimes a little sad). When Brown re-wrote the scenario, using a negotiation method, it all made perfect sense. Does it take longer to negotiate? Yes. Is it really hard to keep your emotions in check? Unbelievably! But it really seems to work.
In short, buy this book. I intend to buy copies for everyone I know.

[Julianna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Title makes it sound gimmicky, but there’s a lot of good stuff in there about how to listen to and know your child so you’re not just reacting based on your perception of the situation.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title of this book cracks me up with its blatant pitch toward people who think you shouldn't negotiate with kids. But the author makes it clear that everyone does, whether as a hard bargainer or an accommodator parent. And even if you still think you don't, it's certainly true that your kids think they bargain with you.

Scott and I have worked very hard to parent our kids with an eye toward giving them control of as much as possible. Whenever we can we lay out choices and allow them to pick, and always have. ("We are going to the car now. Do you want to walk or be carried?") When we lean too far, I suspect we lean more toward the accommodator style, but on the whole this book was actually a great affirmation of the degree of choice and control we give our kids, and on the firm grounding we're building toward the expected-to-be-difficult teen years and the kids' eventual need to be thinking, reasoning and independent adults.

I still took a lot from it. While our battles aren't big, we still get attitude and have to figure out new parenting strategies as the kids hit new ages and stages. This book was a great teacher and reminder.

[Darcee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really learned a lot from this book about my own life which is why it really impacted me so strongly! I suggested it to anyone interested in parenting books. I'll be honest, it's the first parenting book I've ready outside of the classroom so take the review for a what its worth.

[مصعب البوعليان · Rating 4 out of 5]

كتاب جميل، قرأت النسخة المترجمة له وهي بعنوان - التفاوض مع الأطفال -.
هذا الكتاب يساعدك كثيرًا في فهم أسلوب تفكير الطفل أثناء النزاعات، وفي معرفة الآلية الصحيحة للتعامل معه في الأوقات الصعبة حين يبدأ الشجار أو قبل أن يبدأ.
الكتاب ترجمته الأخت (نبيلة جوهر) ويتوفر في مكتبة دار الهدى في الرياض

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am hoping the tools I have learned will come in handy when Reilly wants to read the Disney Princess stories for the 100th time. I will keep you all updated.

[Simone Cox · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought this might be helpful for my tween programs I do at the library, it's really more aimed towards parents but it had some good advice.

[Sarah Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was an OK book. It mostly reinforced things that I already knew and already do.

[Michelle (RavenLily) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I learned some useful techniques for understanding my daughter. I need to reread and take notes.