BoyMum: Raising Boys in an Age of Toxic Masculinity

by Ruth Whippman

BoyMum is about boys and young men - how we are raising them, and what it means to be a man-in-the-making in an era when #MeToo has challenged our tolerance for toxic masculinity, yet the pressure on young men to be 'masculine' has never been more intense.

It is also a mother's perspective. Ruth Whippman is the proud/overwhelmed, feminist mother of three boys and her family life can be a daily confrontation with the triumph of nature over nurture. All too aware that her parenting today will shape the men her sons become tomorrow, she explores the expectations placed on boys - must boys be boys?; the messages we send girls but not boys (but they really need to hear too); boys in the classroom and boys online; incels; entitlement, sexual harassment and "cancel culture" and what radicalizes young men.

Blending memoir with cultural analysis, and approaching her subject with wit, honesty and open-mindedness, this is a sympathetic investigation into where we are going wrong with raising boys, and how trying to change those patterns must be one of society's most urgent cultural projects.

Praise for Ruth Whippman and The Pursuit of Happiness

- "A whip-sharp British Bill Bryson" The Sunday Times

- "Ruth Whippman is whip-smart, her writing nothing short of genius" Huffington Post

- The Pursuit of Happiness was a New York Post Best Book of 2016, a New York Times Editors' Choice and Paperback Row pick, one of Newsweek's 'Nine Books to Change the Way You Think in 2016', a Sunday Times top summer read and a Daily Mail 'Must Read'.

- Ruth Whippman manages the trick of being funny about what is, deep down, a serious the American quest for happiness isn't working" Oliver Burkeman, author of Four Thousand Weeks

- "I LOVED this book. I found it SO WELL WRITTEN, so witty and funny and reading it I was often envious of Ruth Whippman's facility with language. It was a hugely engaging read, accessible and so relevant... I've been quite evangelical about it." Marian Keyes, best-selling author of Grown Ups

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Feminism, Sociology, Self Help, Gender

346 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 4, 2024

About the author

Ruth Whippman is a British author and journalist living in the United States. Her essays, cultural criticism and journalism have appeared in the New York Times, Time magazine, New York magazine, The Guardian, The Huffington Post and elsewhere. She is the author of Boymom, Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity (Harmony 2024) and America the Anxious (St Martin's 2016). Fortune Magazine described her as one of the "25 sharpest minds of the decade."

Before becoming a full time writer she spent 10 years as a documentary producer and director at the BBC in London working across several BAFTA award winning series. She was educated at Cambridge University and is a regular contributor to radio and podcasts. She lives in California with her husband and three sons.

Reviews

[erforscherin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Frustrating, in that this book could have been so much more. BoyMom touches on so many issues I’ve been thinking deeply about, but… then kind of punts on the analysis, making it a very anxiety-provoking but unsatisfying read (okay, yes, I know this, but where are the answers?) I wish we could have spent more time with the academic research and best practices from clinicians/psychologists/educators, rather than the N=1 case studies.

There are some good nuggets in here (redshirting actually corresponds with increased dropout rates and lower rates of college completion; children’s books for girls have self-empowering messaging while most children’s books for boys lean into the “school sucks” message; children’s books often have girl/girl or girl/boy friendships but almost never feature boy/boy friendships…). However, a lot of the rest of it is nothing new to anyone who has even passingly grappled with these topics, and there are not really any good answers suggested. And while Whippman’s self-inserts were probably meant to make it all feel more relatable, for me this felt like an incredibly poor call by her editor: her own anxiety was so over-the-top that it frequently veered into caricature (and frankly was kind of undermined in the end by the autism finding, which makes it not-so-universally-relatable anyway).

[Michael Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think, talk, and write a lot about masculinity—how we're raised, what society expects from us, what's valued and what's not. It's fascinating to contrast my boyhood to my 13-year-old son's, who's growing up during a different time in a place polar opposite to where I grew up. And yet... I see so many of the same behaviors and challenges, all these years later even in a far more progressive city. It's so f'ing complex in a way I've struggled to identify or articulate.

Ruth Whippman's new book is doing for me what I couldn't do for myself: identifying what's underneath the toxicity, uncovering why young boys' loneliness is epidemic, all while questioning the complex relationship between nature and nurture.

This book isn't just for Boy Moms, it's for all of us.

[Elizabeth Sholtis · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's almost as if patriarchy harms everyone...

[Traci Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book. It was super thought provoking. I think there were a few arguments (around sexual assault) that I wasn't wild about, but I do think the author did her best to handle them with care. I was really moved by some of the arguments she made around male friendship and boys need for tender emotion. I would have liked a more serious attempt at providing solutions or actions parents can take.

[Kailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whippman has done a fantastic job of exploring topics that are very pertinent for mothers (really any parent) trying to raise their boys. From infancy to young adulthood she addresses a wide scope of issues; screentime, incels, sexuality and consent, interpersonal relationships. She does this in a thoughtful and nuanced way while also acknowledging her own thoughts and biases. Her personal accounts weaved throughout are very vulnerable and insanely relatable. As a feminist and a mother of 2 young boys myself I would say I'm the exact target demographic and Whippman delivered an excellent work.

[Jes · Rating 4 out of 5]

I can’t believe they called this book BoyMom, which is such a lame title I almost didn’t pick it up. I think it’s tongue in cheek but STILL, lol. This was good and, like all the books I’ve read about boyhood and parenting boys, made me cry. Not the best of the bunch that I’ve read (How To Raise A Boy is still my favorite) but quite good. Longer review with takeaways to come, maybe?

Edit: Okay I want to write a longer review/synopsis to help me remember key takeaways.

Here is the basic arc Whippman describes: From birth, baby boys in the US receive less comforting and less soothing physical touch, and have a narrower range of emotions ascribed to them (caregivers are more likely to interpret boy babies' crying as the baby being "angry" as opposed to sad, scared, lonely, etc). These patterns continue as boys get older. Boys are implicitly or explicitly discouraged from talking about their feelings or emotions; they are described as "naturally" wilder, more aggressive in their play styles, and more prone to "acting out," which are seen as disciplinary issues rather than emotional issues. Research shows that boys *are* more inclined to engage in rough-and-tumble play than girls (the result of exposure to fetal testosterone in utero), and that boys' prefrontal cortexes (cortices?) develop up to two years slower than girls' do. So there is some truth to the idea that boys play differently than girls and develop emotional self-regulation skills later than girls do. The issue, Whipmann writes, is the way we interpret those biological differences. Boys often get treated as little wild animals (people tell Whippman that "boys are like dogs," whereas girls are "like humans"). They are seen as more rugged, more resilient, and more aggressive, and thus less emotional, less sensitive, and less receptive to or in need of gentleness/tenderness from caregivers. But in reality... the opposite is true. Whippman cites a whole bunch of research indicating that young boys are actually physically and emotionally MUCH less resilient than girls. They are much, much more likely to die in infancy and to suffer from childhood illnesses or injuries than girls. Young boys who are exposed to domestic violence, homelessness, financial insecurity, or other adverse childhood experiences are much more likely to experience lasting traumatic effects than girls. All children need emotionally attuned caregiving and suffer when they don’t receive it, but boys as a group seem to experience the effects more acutely and in more long/lasting ways than girls do. Also interesting to note: even if you take childhood trauma out of the equation, things like positive touch, emotional attunement, open discussions of feelings, etc., are crucial for helping children learn skills like emotional self-regulation, empathy, and reading emotional cues in interpersonal relationships. Boys develop these skills more slowly than girls (because of their slower-maturing brains) and arguably need more intensive support and modeling from caregivers from a very young age to help them do so. Yet they are much, much less likely to receive that support than girls are.

Phew sorry this is getting long going to try to bulletpoint the rest of Whippman's arguments.
- In preschool and elementary school, boys are shuttled away from "female" narratives (which tend to focus on friendship, empathy, and learning how to read and respond to emotional cues) towards pop culture products, toys, and media that focus on battles between two binary sides (good and evil, with very little nuance or gray areas). In these battle narratives, one side wins while the other is crushed and humiliated. Heroes in these narratives are often solitary figures who might have sidekicks but do not have or seem to crave close friendships. Boys receive strong cultural messaging from early on that being a boy is about winning/being strong/crushing one's enemies, whereas building friendships and caring about other people's emotional experiences is for girls. (Whippman also points out that in much popular boys' media, boys are depicted as hating or resenting school, whereas girls are depicted as loving and thriving in school environments.)
- Because boys' ability to read emotional cues and engage in emotional self-regulation develops slower, they need more support, again, in developing the types of social skills that produce deep, trusting, authentic friendships. This is a persistent theme in the book: boys are humans, and all humans crave and need loving relationships with others. That has nothing to do with gender - it's just something that all humans are hardwired to need. Yet from the very outset, boys get SO much less support than girls do when it comes to developing core relational skills like listening, perspective-taking and empathy, emotional repair, etc. They also receive a ton of messaging that equates emotional vulnerability with weakness or "girlishness" and that equates masculinity with being aggressive, completely self-assured, comfortable with solitude, etc. So, many boys never receive help developing those social skills, and what skills they do have tend to atrophy through elementary/middle/high school because they are actively discouraged or socially punished for practicing them.
- Umm I'm kind of going out of order here I guess I'll just list other things I found interesting in the book. She talks about the fact that while all teenagers are much more likely to socialize online than in person now, teen boys are significantly more likely now to report not having any in-person friendships. Many teenage boys immerse themselves in social media, collaborative video games, Discord, and online porn to meet their emotional/social needs, motivated by what one psychologist describes as "fear and ease." (Fear: they are afraid of in-person rejection, they feel ill-equipped socially to navigate emotionally complex relationships or friendships, and they also fear that showing the vulnerability that intimacy requires will be seen as emasculating. Ease: social media friendships require little effort; porn requires no social engagement to access and requires none of the work of an intimate relationship.) Yet the dozens of teenagers Whippman interviews (as well as therapists who work closely with teen boys) all share that they feel intensely, intensely lonely, and that they crave intimate relationships and real friendships but don't know how to access those things, or are convinced that they're alone in this desire (other boys don't need or want the same).
- Soooo much interesting stuff around romantic relationships, sex, and boys' sexual identities, especially in the post-#MeToo era. I have really been thinking about this a lot too... the necessity, on the one hand, of educating boys about consent... but also the immense challenge of, like, how do you also help them develop a positive, joyful, healthy understanding of sex, when so much of the cultural rhetoric around boys' sexuality is like: boys are naturally inclined to be predatory, boys are sexually insatiable, boys are only interested in sex and don't care at all about their female partners' emotional needs, etc.? I share Whippman's sense that historically girls have been taught to prioritize boys' sexual desires over their own sense of security, pleasure, etc., and that this has often led to situations where girls feel cajoled or at worst coerced into unwanted sex. But I also really empathize with her argument that teenage boys, like teenage girls, are still essentially children/young adults who are trying to negotiate what it means to be in sexual relationships, and they are also subjected to SO much cultural "noise" around what their sexual identities are supposed to be/look like. One researcher she talks to describes it as an impossible trap... boys internalize the message that they're supposed to be aggressive, decisive, confident, self-assured, dominant, strong, etc. in bed (even if they are inexperienced with sex and relationships and have no idea what they're doing)... but then they're also fiercely castigated for being too predatory, pushy, domineering, threatening, coercive, etc., and they're somehow expected to strike the exact right balance of being just dominant enough to be sexy, but not so dominant that they become scary or threatening. And of course teenagers (of all genders) are still kids! They are having sex and engaging in physical/emotional relationships for the first time, and they are trying to negotiate what it means to explore your own desires while being emotionally responsive to your partner while also dealing with the overwhelming flood of teenage hormones. Like phew!! These poor kids!! It also made me really reflect on my own teenage years... like, it was terrible and humiliating and exhilarating and overwhelming to be a girl teenager and later college kid negotiating the emotional minefield of sex and desire, but I don't think I ever once thought about the boys I was involved with as experiencing the same thing. Some of that is just the narcissism and myopia of being a teenager (everything is about You lol) but in retrospect I think some of it is cultural, too - I just assumed that boys had fewer feelings about sex, or that their experience of sex was somehow less emotionally complicated than mine. Anyway idk!! Whippman cites a few other books about helping boys and girls develop healthy, relationally-focused sexual identities that I will definitely be checking out.

Let's see I'm sure there was more but at this point I'm going to end up rewriting the whole book in worse form in this review lol. My one critique of the book is I thought she did a fantastic job of raising questions and prompting the reader to reflect on the way masculinity is constructed (and brutally enforced) in our culture... but as the new parent of a baby boy I wanted more practical ideas for things caregivers, teachers, etc. can do to support boys at different phases in their lives. That's why I ultimately felt like, if you only read one of these types of books, Michael Reichert's How To Raise a Boy is the more useful guide.

Edit again to add: these culturally enforced versions of femininity and masculinity are both prisons! But on the whole I’d rather be imprisoned within femininity, which just seems a lot less lonely. Since we generally don’t get to choose how we’re socialized as kids, though, I want to really consciously think about how I can support my son in developing the deep, loving, affirming same-gender and cross-gender friendships that have been so crucial to my own emotional well-being.

[Theodore Hong · Rating 5 out of 5]

Completely changed the way that I think about raising our two boys. A real eye-opener.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Five stars, with some major caveats. This is not an ideologically pure text from a politically progressive/radical standpoint—it makes some definitive hypotheses about gender that won’t sit well with many trans/gender non-binary folks and it’s pretty hand-wavy about (SPOILER ALERT) her sons’ autism diagnoses. Whippman can take anecdote too strongly as evidence—the two incel interviews in particular are poignant but seem like too small a sample size to serve as true ethnography. That said, as the mom of two boys and a high school teacher, this book hit me hard and I think it should be required reading for parents and teachers. Read it with a “yes, and” mentality. Feminism is one of my abiding academic interests and the foundation of my political identity AND I also see the ways that patriarchy stifles and oppresses boys, AND how our current political/cultural moment can feel extremely punitive and confusing for young men. It’s not hugely solution-oriented, which is frustrating… but it would be a lot to ask one author to dismantle an entire oppressive system of behavior & culture with a few bullet points. I most appreciated Whippman for wrestling with her own values and admitting the physical/emotional difficulty of parenting young boys.

[Holly Christianson · Rating 2 out of 5]

As an in-depth examination of masculinity in its current manifestations both patriarchal and harmful, this would have been a five star. However, I think the author misses the reimagining mentioned in the subtitle. Knowing where we are is important but also how are we training our sons to be the men they should be for the next generation? She never fully painted a picture or gave action points toward this endeavor.

[M]

As someone who isn't a parent, I am gonna honestly say I HATE the terms "boy mom" "girl mom" "girl dad" and so on.

This sounds SUPER interesting though?

[EmelineB · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book, and it makes lots of good and important arguments. Of particular interest, the research on how biological specificity (such as brain areas developing at different times) of baby boys meets Western bias, leading to boys receiving less attention and affection from their parents. It also covers well different aspects of "modern masculinity" from the incels community, to the difficulty of changing the culture around sex after #metoo without ostracizing kids making mistakes.

I'm however struck by how negatively the book describes boys and the physicality of children, especially in the memoir part; and by the lack of discussion around ADHD, the increasing prescription of Ritalin and how this plays in a culture of performance that is detrimental to all children. There's no denying Ritalin helps some children. But there are tons of discussions around the over-diagnosis of boys, especially non-white boys, and how it affects them long term. When tying personal experience so tightly in the argument... these kind of questions need to be better addressed.

I was also (as the mother of a boy) disappointed by how being physically active is always seen through the lens of boyhood, and not discussed through:
- the lack of playground and outdoor spaces
- the lack of school designs enabling movement
- the lack of outdoor preschool options following best recommendations for that age (motor coordination is the substrate for socio-emotional regulation in early childhood!)
- that there are tons of concerns about children's lack of physical activity and their poor motor skills development, resulting from a lack of support for motor experiences in childhood

Good on boys for wanting more playful, active environments! What if instead of focusing on children fitting immediately and neatly in adults-like environments, we embraced play? I'm sad for the girls described in the book as better because they sit still, wondering if they were offered a chance to play.

The book is surprisingly essentialist despite itself, and illustrates issues I've run into again and again: any mistake my toddler makes is interpreted as due to boyhood, but the exact same behavior from his friends who are girls is interpreted as normal development. I was hoping the book would avoid this pitfall, but it doesn't.

(I might have more thoughts later)

[Jennie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I sobbed through this masterclass about how to navigate societal messaging around masculinity as we redefine it while working hard to parent gentle, loving boys who also, despite my best efforts, are deeply physical and obsessed with Marvel superheroes. Whippman's conclusion about needing to redefine the idea of "the sky's the limit" to be inclusive of emotionality and closeness with others is exactly the same place that my quest to reconcile having sons led me. Love love love this book. I can't stop talking about it.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whew the intro to this had me internally screaming “YES” to all of it—it so perfectly captured the tension and balance of being a “boy mom” (hate the term!). The rest was also fairly interesting and illuminating, but I wish she had done more actual “reimagining,” per the subtitle. This was great for awareness-raising… but what do we DO about it?

[Chuck Lutz-Priefert · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a man and soon to be father, this book was eye opening in terms of how I view my own masculinity and the ways in which I got here, as well as how I hope to raise my future children. Couldn’t recommend this enough. Wonderful read!

[Jenna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I trudged through this book. It's really informative, and as a boy mom, I wanted to read this for some insight on avoiding raising a toxic male. I think I feel more worried after reading it. The epilogue gave some good suggestions, but the rest of the book just confirmed that this shit is hard!

[Sahitya · Rating 4 out of 5]

After reading Sonora Jha’s memoir How to Raise a Feminist Son, I’ve been looking for similar parenting books by feminists and specifically about raising boys, so I was very excited to read Boymom. I ofcourse waited until I could get my hands on the audiobook and it turned out to be a very eye opening experience.

The author covers a broad range of topics about raising boys from birth to about college age, talking about - nature vs nurturethe aggressive play and roughhousing among young boys in contrast to more seemingly disciplined girls, the desire of boys to become strong and masculine men leading to less emotional intelligence and vulnerability, how that affects interpersonal relationships in the long term, how screentime and exposure of what’s online leads to both positive and negative outcomes, and the corresponding effects on sexuality, understanding consent, and the rising incel movement. The author mingles her research with the narrative of her own life with her 3 boys of various ages, and how she feels about raising them as a feminist in this world which focuses on such narrowing definitions of what it means to be masculine. I liked how the author is open about her own biases and how it affects her worldview, and how thinking of issues from her son’s POV has her questioning some of her own strongly held beliefs.

While the book is very well researched and has lots of information and thought provoking content that I will need to go back to again and again, it also made me feel scared as a very new boy mom and the thought of raising a strong but sensitive and empathetic boy in this world which seems to be turning more and more divisive everyday has me anxious. Nonetheless, this is an important book that covers the various fraught issues with delicate nuance, that is strongly necessary in our current times when everyone is ready to condemn stuff with a very black and white lens of viewing the world.

[Laine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was really interesting and eye opening in so many ways. It really shed light on the ways that boys get left behind in many of the current discussions and gives perspectives on how things could be looked at differently. It is a precarious position to be in to be raising boys (particularly white boys) and balancing encouraging their aspirations but also teaching them about their privilege in a way that doesn’t limit them but also makes them self aware and supportive of those less privileged than them. The insights related to the emotional and relational needs of boys was really interesting and something I hadn’t put too much thought into before. I hope more research is done on this and society is able to make more progress in this area to decrease the negative associations of masculinity on boys (in addition to girls)

[Natalie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am really grateful to Whippman for exploring this topic- I was so excited to pick up this book! Her discussion about the ways in which socialization has influenced expectations for boys in terms of their masculinity was thorough and thought provoking. I did struggle with connecting with the author’s voice and perspectives at times- I think she makes assumptions about some of the research or her experiences that she presents without considering other possibilities. But mostly, I was just hoping for more about what to do differently in raising my boys rather than the doom and gloom of raising boys. This was covered in the last, and shortest chapter of the book, which made it hard for me to persevere to the ending. I hope she, or others, will continue the research and work in exploring what to do next!

[Kay Jacobs · Rating 5 out of 5]

“But at some deep level, in this system, men get everything except the thing that’s most worth having—human intimacy.”

We want to “smash the patriarchy”, we are aware/agreed that it harms men too, AND we find that nuance really hard to navigate raising the boys we love. That’s the target audience, imo, for this one. I laughed out loud when she writes about “crowbarring consent into one million conversations about wrestling” because same, girl. The deep-dive cultural analysis into the societal messages boys receive was easy to recognize when pointed out, and gave me a lot of food for thought. Strong strong recommend.

[Cristina Quattrone · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this in conversation with Girl on Girl: How Pop Culture Turned a Generation of Women Against Themselves with a friend.

I thought the chapters about incel communities and assault on college campuses were the most thought-provoking (though the latter is handled much better in Krakauer’s Missoula imo). It definitely sparked some ideas about how boyhood is represented in literature and the ever-present issue of how social media can serve as judge, jury, and executioner, spreading shame and radicalizing young people.

Unfortunately the author’s personal anecdotes as a narrative anchor really didn’t resonate. I’m not sure we ever landed anywhere that helped me reimagine boyhood.

[Bonnie Alexander · Rating 5 out of 5]

What is it like to raise boys when 'the future is female'? Feminist and mother of sons Ruth Whippman does exceptional work at tackling this question, taking a deep dive into the world of contemporary boyhood. This book is chock-full of incisive cultural criticism and canny humor, but doesn't lose its sense of earnestness as it asks us what we owe the boys of today. Utterly brilliant and challenging- and still, somehow, incredibly easy and fun to read.

[Whitney · Rating 5 out of 5]

A flippant and niche title for a book that was very well researched and written. It’s not so much about moms raising boys but more about how we socialize, understand, fuel the ideas of masculinity in our culture. I gained something from every sentence of this book. I think everyone should read it.

[Hank Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

this was well researched and really spoke to my mom-anxiety, but without offering any solutions, action points, or ideas for moving in a positive direction.

sooooo....I'm just way more anxious now, but I understand much better as to why.

[Ashley · Rating 5 out of 5]

(review to come if I can ever get my heart rate to not skyrocket when considering the immense, all-consuming pressure that comes with raising a boy)

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

What does healthy masculinity look like?

Society has seen several seismic shifts in the last few decades, including the rise of the feminist movement, the advent of the internet, the COVID pandemic, and more. In their aftershocks, we see the rise of manosphere bloggers like Andrew Tate, the election(s) of Donald Trump, the creation of incel culture, and rampant loneliness and mental health challenges for young men. Bluntly, it should be a wake-up call for all of us to realize that proclaiming “the future is female” left a lot of men and boys in the lurch. Whippman, the mother of 3 sons, seeks to understand the state of the world and provide advice specifically to feminist mothers trying to raise their children in it.

There is a lot of great reporting in this book. Whippman interviews incels, therapists, young men accused (purportedly falsely) of rape, and teachers trying to impart new thinking about masculinity to their students—I appreciated the variety here, and the empathy with which she (generally) treated her interview subjects. She also weaves her own experiences as a mother of three boys into the narrative.

I was particularly struck by her analysis that media for boys neglects to teach about friendships (if they are depicted, they’re usually boy/girl), instead tending to focus on binary battles between good and evil where one side wins and another is humiliated. As a result, boys miss out on chances to learn about social dynamics. This media also tends to feature “school is the worst!” messaging, which doesn’t help when many boys are already failing to thrive in classroom environments.

She also talks about displacement—the idea that screen time is replacing in-person connections for boys at a far higher rate than it is for girls, with significant populations of boys exclusively socializing through video games/Discord. It’s no wonder that patterns of courtship, sex, and relationships have completely changed.

In short, there was a lot of great, necessary stuff in here. My main complaint about this book, however, is that Whippman seemed to be experiencing cognitive dissonance and stuck to pretty simplistic/absolutist stances on feminism and liberalism throughout. I generally share her politics, but I am convinced that, regardless of our pure/theoretical intent, if men and boys feel abandoned and driven away by our movements, WE HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED!! When she’s interviewing boys and their families who say they were driven to conservatism by being falsely accused of sexual assault, she seems bemused at how they could have made the “wrong” choice. She’s quick to make distinctions about “punching up vs punching down” that felt really unnecessary. In one memorable beat, she tells an incel that feminism can help him, but doesn’t know how to respond to his bemused, “How?” It felt like she was so close to understanding, then missed the point at the last second.

On this note, I was also bothered that it seemed like Whippman didn’t respect her subjects’ concepts of masculinity. It was obviously important to the people she talked to, but I felt like she editorialized in a really paternalistic way about all the flaws in their thinking. There was weird, off-putting commentary when she met certain men about whether she thought they were actually that masculine (!!). I was also really bothered that she profiled a “Modern Masculinities” class at an all-boys school but literally never interrogates the fact that it’s taught by a woman??!! As feminists, we should do better than this. We understand the importance of respecting marginalized voices, so we should extend the same courtesy to men.

All this said, I think this book is extremely timely, and would really encourage everyone to check it out, despite my criticism above. As a society, we owe it to ourselves to start this important conversation. It’s dire out there!

[Desi A · Rating 4 out of 5]

I finished this book a few days ago, after taking a break in the middle, as the chapter on incel young men was difficult. Whippman explores many complex and difficult avenues, and I felt she treated them all with sensitivity and insight.

The author pursued this investigation into the question and problem of masculinity and how we (collectively) are raising our boys as the feminist-but-overwhelmed mother of three young boys, and she asks the questions that many (I hope!) mothers of boys ask including, but not limited to: "How do I teach my son to not grow up and rape someone?" (Where are the fathers, you ask? They are somewhere - this book is about parenting boys in general, but she is writing this as a mother/as a woman, and so this isn't about the fathers. I am fine with that.)

Personally, this book was an interesting emotional exercise. JP is 12.5 now, and is a boy/identifies as a boy, but has been "gender-nonconforming" in many ways for a lot of his life, from his hair, his militant lack of interest in team sports, and his disdain for friends of his who have become "dude bros." But he is absolutely rough-and-tumble, high energy, and often seemingly oblivious and insensitive. But during the first part of the book, I briefly convinced myself that these questions and problems "don't apply to him" because he isn't a "typical" boy isn't really engaging with the idea of masculinity at all. And she talks about how we parent boys differently from the moment they are born, wanting them to be "tough" and "strong" and making them wear onesies that say "Daddy's Truck Driver." But we smothered our child in love and affection and talked about feelings, and let him have long hair and paint part of his bedroom purple, and made every effort to not put him into any sort of box.

But then I realized that whether I like it or not, eventually -- and sooner than we are ready -- the outside world is going to start influencing what he thinks and how he feels about himself and how he should be or not be (and it already is, I know). And maybe he'll be immune to it, but maybe he won't, and regardless, he'll have to navigate that world one way or another.

This book made me a little afraid for him -- and that is something the author talks about, the cognitive dissonance of the very real Reality of a world that is still made for men, where many, many women fear them for real reasons, and the importance of believing this women and their lived experiences, but then being a mother of a boy and being afraid for him, that this world will chew him up and spit him out. (And in this moment, it's very strange because in 6th grade by many accounts, the girls are in charge. They are taller and more dominant as a whole, and the small, still-doughy boys are at the mercy of their early pubescent rage.)

Anyway, I'm glad I read it, even if I don't have anything specifically actionable to apply to our parenting (though she does have some good insights toward the end about sex and how to talk about it that I will probably go back to before too much longer). Definitely worth it, even though it was difficult.

[Pierre]

“Perhaps when we talk about boys' ability to become thought-ful, well-rounded, relational beings, we would do well to borrow from the inspirational "sky's the limit" tone we use to talk about girls' prospects, aspirations, and abilities. But first we need to question how our own internalized sexism colors what we actually consider to have true value. When we say "The sky's the limit" we are generally talking about power, about career aspirations and financial success. But the real "sky" in any well-lived life is not wealth or power or a seat in the boardroom, but meaningful relationships with other human beings.”

An important book for everyone raising sons to read, not just moms.

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book kind of took me around the bend several times. I've lived my whole life as a man who has sometimes leaned into masculine expectations and sometimes fought against them. I am already raising a little boy, with another one on the way. Despite the "Mom" in the title, I decided to bet it had something to say to me, as well as my wife and sister-in-law. As much as an anything, it's a call to try to remember to examine the invisible architecture of gender, to allow for the full relational and emotional potential for my sons.

[Ellen FitzGerald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having a son has made me question a lot of the traditional feminist narratives / believe and how they may or may not be contributing to why boys and men seem to be struggling (and therefore running straight into the arms of the “manosphere," incel culture, and the misogynistic right). Ruth Whippman helps make sense of all of it through thoughtful research, qualitative interviews, and her own experience as a feminist writer and mother of 3 boys. It both challenged some of my assumptions and made me more dedicated to the project of breaking down our patriarchal society so that ALL OF US can live full, expansive lives. If you are a parent of boys OR girls, I need you to read this book!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every single parent of boys needs to read this book. It addresses how our culture has left boys behind in the (obviously very much needed) movement to champion women’s and girls’ issues. However, this has led to boys being ignored and feeling victimized and villainized in many cases, without an outlet to express these feelings lest they be condemned as privileged white men complaining. (And yes, this book is mostly about white men and boys, although it does address intersections with race at a few points throughout.)

My one complaint is with the title. Over and over again, the author points out how women and girls have been expected to shoulder the emotional burden in their relationships and raising families, while boys and men are not socialized to do the same. (And basically the entire thesis of this book is that boys would be better off if we taught them how to foster more emotional connections with others.) So the title “Boymom” continues to perpetuate the idea that raising good boys is still a mom’s burden to bear. I would have loved to hear voices of husbands and dads who are contributing to the emotional labor of raising well-adjusted boys.

Overall, a must read for all boy parents and their teachers as well. Her chapter on how the education system fails boys should be required reading for all elementary school teachers.