Avoidance, Drugs, Heartbreak and Dogs

by Jordan Stephens

Love is a gift, isn't it? From our early childhood years to growing up and pairing off, it's a feeling we chase knowing we're better off with it. But what if love is claustrophobic and conflicting? And what if at the same time we're chasing addictions to drugs, drink, sex and chaos? Diagnosed twice with ADHD, Jordan Stephens found his teens and twenties a whirl of career success and nurturing friendships but also a brutal pattern of self-harm, hedonism, destructive coping mechanisms and heartbreak. When he tried to live up to his own damaged expectations and his world exploded, he stepped away from his previous existence completely and allowed himself to explore the pain he'd repressed his entire life. Unsparingly digging into the fear, tenderness and trauma he carried in his body and mind, and the confusing assumptions of what a young man should be, Jordan Stephens discovers what it means to be a modern man, why we should all open ourselves up to life, and how the price we pay for love in all its forms is worth it.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Biography, Psychology, Audiobook, Book Club, Autobiography

318 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 22, 2024

About the author

Born 1992, Jordan was one half of the hip hop duo Rizzle Kicks. He is now an actor, writer and mental health activist.

Reviews

[Tim Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

The world needs more people like Jordan Stephens.

[Rhi · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful, poetic and raw book. Feels like it should be essential to read.

This is the journey for one man but it feels like something all men need to read. All humans maybe. Such a honest and vivid confession of dealing with mental health, physical health, heartbreak, self harm, toxic masculinity, anger, addiction, and more, but also love in all its forms, self discovery, and recovery.

Even if you didn’t know of Jordan Stephens for his musical background as part of Rizzle Kicks, you can feel the musician within this book. There’s a really poetic and staccato writing style present throughout. It’s almost unsettling and uncomfortable at first until you settle in for the ride and it becomes homely. I couldn’t stop myself from rereading passages, highlighting them, folding down the page to come back to again.

Reading this book was a journey I didn’t know I needed to go on. I cannot directly relate to all the experiences and stories Jordan Stephens shares in this book, but I felt myself looking in on myself with every turn of a page. It evoked emotions I didn’t realise I had under the skin and made me consider things I need to do for my own journey.

A book I know I’ll read again. I can see myself taking something different from it every time I pick it up.

Thank you to Jordan Stephens and Canongate for sending me an advanced copy of this book.

[Stephen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Open and Frank book about the authors addictions and his ADHD diagnosis

[Elliot Green · Rating 3 out of 5]

Starting with the positives, I appreciated the vulnerability it must have taken to write this, and hopefully, it encourages that same vulnerability in others. However...

For me, the writing style was difficult to connect with, even though it feels authentic. This made it a challenging read.

In other places, it felt performative and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

Ultimately, I appreciated the book, but it felt like it missed the mark.

[Robin Stewart · Rating 2 out of 5]

Hard work getting this one finished. The content was fine but nothing groundbreaking, and the writing style just made me glaze over

[ross francis · Rating 3 out of 5]

i rarely read a straight man’s writing and i found Jordan’s honesty super insightful and refreshing and hopefully helpful for the countless repressed men and boys among us!

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

my rating was always going to be biased given my love + respect for this man. Give me introspective, self-aware reflections any day of the week. Really enjoyed the writing style, the short sentences and lack of chronology. Thoughts and musings and experiences dotted around here there and everywhere so perfectly encapsulated his ADHD. A lot of interesting insight into toxic (generally considered) male behaviours and reasons behind them, but also resonated with a lot of what he said and felt so it was still accessible to me (even as a woman who’s never cheated). My hope is that other men would read this and gain something from it.

On a personal note, I’m obsessed with the work Jordan is doing for the male loneliness epidemic, for challenging the narratives being pushed from the emerging ‘mano sphere’ online. I think this book came to me at the perfect time, I am crawling out from the depths of my ‘I hate and fear men’ mindset and realising the damage I’m doing to myself and my relationships by putting men on this pedestal.

[Luc Jacobs · Rating 1 out of 5]

Found this in a B'n'B, supposedly left by the previous owner, just over a month after publication. Promising starting point, the healing of masculine toxicity in Western society, but the telling never goes beyond a very self centered viewpoint, at a serious plaintive level, and this in a manner of writing similar to, indeed, that of someone diagnosed with a severe case of ADHD, which makes you gasp for breath after every fifth word. Doesn't really contribute any value, unless to the author's own salvation ...

[Carrot95x · Rating 2 out of 5]

2/5. Read in one sitting. Didn’t love this one. Didn’t seem like there was much of a story and I wasn’t a fan of the way that it was written.

[Martyna Trojgo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite funny to read a book written by a man, having many experiences and opinions different than my own, and still feel like it’s so relatable somehow (maybe it’s my ADHD).

Loved the short sentences, how moving and down to earth it was, and the chaos of all the stories and emotions. Honestly, just a nice book that felt like reading the insides of someone’s head.

[Kryštof Cejp · Rating 5 out of 5]

read this book in 4 days. It has a unique flow and an authentic emotional charge. Jordan Stephens has a characteristic fast yet deep writing style that suited me very well. It's also refreshing to read about a man dissecting his emotional and psychological state without the typical whiskey and cigar trope.

[stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

vond dit beter dan verwacht! beetje cringe hier en daar, soms iets te klungelig en pseudo-poëtisch verwoord, maar ik vind het vooral heel verfrissend om te lezen dat een man erkent hoe KUT hij was! mannen — en dan vooral die in hetzelfde genre als jordan: artsy, mindful, zogenaamd aan de goede kant van de geschiedenis, filosofisch — kunnen echt maar tot op zekere hoogte toegeven hoe kut ze zijn/waren (zie: elke man die ik ken, zonder uitzondering!). dus ik vond het eigenlijk gewoon heel nice om eens te lezen dat een man ECHT open kaart heeft gespeeld. alle domme dingen die hij heeft gedaan en anderen (met name vrouwen) heeft aangedaan, al die giftige dingen die hij dacht: het staat er allemaal in zonder dat man-eigen zelfmedelijden. goed om te weten dat er echt nog wel redelijke mannen bestaan in mijn leeftijdscategorie, ik ken ze alleen niet!

[Francesca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m afraid I love him even more now

[Emily Bevis · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars! Great book to finish the year on and even better listening to it narrated by Jordan. A lot to think about and potentially re-listen to

[Elena · Rating 5 out of 5]

like the bible. but for all humans to read.

loved this.

[Maya · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wasn't going to write a review for this one because I really struggle with non-fiction, but here I am lol. The first half of this book was hard work. I liked the premise but it really is like an ADHD filled brain fart.

However, as I got closer and closer to the end, the more the writing became reflective. The message was poetic yet important and I thought it was quite beautiful.

[Jessica Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this! I opted to listen to it as Jordan narrates it which I feel complimented the writing style well. This book is honest and poetic. It’s the kind of book that I would want my younger brother to read, as Jordan has a powerful voice that I feel young men would respond to positively when it comes to discussing the effects of living under the patriarchy - but I found myself yearning for him to say the word…. Patriarchy! Say it babe!!!!

[Amber Faulkner · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like this book so much more than I did. The subject matter is important: mental health, ADHD, addiction, trauma, racism, and toxic masculinity... but the writing style didn't work for me.

The whole book was written in short sentences, which was obviously a stylistic choice. For me, it just ruined the flow. It made the book stilted. Stop. Start. Stop. Start.
I found it exhausting. I'd read three pages, and it felt like I had read thirty.

Also, some parts of the book didn't sit right with me. He cheated on his girlfriend, then was shocked and refused to accept it, when they broke up and she wanted nothing to do with him.

He wasn't the victim in that situation, but the book largely focused on how rubbish it made him feel. I get it, heartbreak is horrible, but when you cheat, that is conscious choice, no matter how drunk, high, or fucked up your mental health is. I tried but struggled to empathise with him on that.

However, it's an important book, and it is worth a read if you can get past the writing style. I admire his raw honesty and vulnerability. He didn’t sugarcoat things, which I respect him for.
I also do think he is a talented writer and has a poetic way of describing his world. The last two chapters I noticed had longer sentences, and I enjoyed it a lot more. I just wish he had written the whole book in that way.

[Lewis Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

They should teach this in schools.

The allure of solipsism, hedonism and mindless stoicism has ensnared many a man. Just one more bump, they murmur, papering over the cracks of a hurt they feel but haven't even attempted to yet understand. Stephens nails the modern male psyche of one who's trying to do the right thing, but can't get there. One full of good intention but little depth, where revelry and humour stem the flow of genuine feeling.

From the first page you clamber straight into Stephens' mind. You move around his head like a pinball, fizzing from side to side between his perceptive yet erratic thoughts. There's energy and vulnerability and his musical prose follows a staccato rhythm that echoes the pulse of emotion on every page.

Its a bit rough around the edges but that's the point! So is he! So are we! But...he gets it, or at least he's trying to. And so should we.

I think I needed this book earlier. But I’m glad I’ve read it now.

5*

[Gloria · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first book I have devoured in a while. Simply hooked reading morning and evening. This book is so beautifully written and raw it has moved me. Jordan’s honesty, self-reflection, and self awareness are both unique and refreshing. Like reading a journal- thoughts laid bare for all to see. What an experience! This book will stay with me for a while.

[Leora Taratula-Lyons · Rating 4 out of 5]

Different in a good way. Fascinating and powerful.

[Freddy · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5- as poetic as it is insightful. i would love for jordan to write some fiction (that isn’t his children’s fiction, which i love nonetheless)

[Oliver Basford · Rating 4 out of 5]

A truly honest and powerful read. Took me a little while to get used to the writing style, but the second half of the book completely gripped me. Lots of food for thought!

[Shannon Morrill · Rating 3 out of 5]

“And I remember that my life isn’t my own. Not truly. I can look at it that way, but it’s isolating.”

Quick read. Still digesting. Maybe that’s the point.

[Molly Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

i am obsessed with this man!!! in awe of how honestly he could tell his story, without bias or judgement

also the last paragraph where he talks about jade 🥲🫶🏻

[Evelyn Clemson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw, funny and poetic. A book which explores addiction, masculinity, self destruction, love and grief in a very funny and very human way

[Kez · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this

[Isabella · Rating 4 out of 5]

Honest and deeply moving. my adhd brain loved the style. Poetic raw and very very human, in the best way

[Florence Reeves-White · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ah I loved every second of this - real and raw and honest and guttural. I wish men speaking this candidly about their feelings was the norm, and I think this will change how brave a few people feel to do so.

[Dawn McCance · Rating 4 out of 5]

I felt anxious in the beginning, and a sense of calm at the end. And I think that’s really cool.