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Tekeşlilik: Sadakat ve İhanet Üzerine Aforizmalar
İki kişiden ancak arkadaş olur; çift üç kişiden oluşur." Edebiyatımızı, şarkılarımızı, felsefemizi ve hatta politik düşüncemizi belirleyen temel kavramların hepsi aslında tekeşlilik tarafından içeriliyor: Sevgi, ihanet, sadakat, saygı, kıskançlık, bağlılık, arzu, yalan, kural, ev, ceza, özgürlük, ahlak, merak, görev, suç, özgürlük. Phillips ciddi, psikanalitik bir yaklaşımla alaycı, denemeci bir yaklaşımı birleştiriyor tekeşliliğe bakarken. "Dışlama" üzerine kurulmuş gibi görünen bu yapının aslında daima kendisinden başka şeyleri içereceğini, sadakatin ihanete, bağlılığın sadakatsizliğe durmadan dönüşeceğini, ve tanımı gereği "iki kişilik" bir kurum olan tekeşliliğin ebedi bir "üçüncü" olmadan yapamayacağını söylüyor.
135 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1996
55 people are currently reading
1664 people want to read
About the author
Adam Phillips
125 books675 followersAdam Phillips is a British psychotherapist and essayist.
Since 2003 he has been the general editor of the new Penguin Modern Classics translations of Sigmund Freud. He is also a regular contributor to the London Review of Books.
Phillips was born in Cardiff, Wales in 1954, the child of second-generation Polish Jews. He grew up as part of an extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins and describes his parents as "very consciously Jewish but not believing". As a child, his first interest was the study of tropical birds and it was not until adolescence that he developed an interest in literature. He went on to study English at St John's College, Oxford, graduating with a third class degree. His defining influences are literary – he was inspired to become a psychoanalyst after reading Carl Jung's autobiography and he has always believed psychoanalysis to be closer to poetry than medicine.
Adapted from Wikipedia.
Phillips is a regular contributor to the London Review of Books. He has been described by The Times as "the Martin Amis of British psychoanalysis" for his "brilliantly amusing and often profoundly unsettling" work; and by John Banville as "one of the finest prose stylists in the language, an Emerson of our time."
Since 2003 he has been the general editor of the new Penguin Modern Classics translations of Sigmund Freud. He is also a regular contributor to the London Review of Books.
Phillips was born in Cardiff, Wales in 1954, the child of second-generation Polish Jews. He grew up as part of an extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins and describes his parents as "very consciously Jewish but not believing". As a child, his first interest was the study of tropical birds and it was not until adolescence that he developed an interest in literature. He went on to study English at St John's College, Oxford, graduating with a third class degree. His defining influences are literary – he was inspired to become a psychoanalyst after reading Carl Jung's autobiography and he has always believed psychoanalysis to be closer to poetry than medicine.
Adapted from Wikipedia.
Phillips is a regular contributor to the London Review of Books. He has been described by The Times as "the Martin Amis of British psychoanalysis" for his "brilliantly amusing and often profoundly unsettling" work; and by John Banville as "one of the finest prose stylists in the language, an Emerson of our time."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 124 reviews
April 15, 2019
I don't know how to start describing this tiny book of 121 aphorisms in which the author may or may not have tried to explain the definitions and functioning of monogamy, polygamy, fidelity and infidelity.
Every precept is different and may hold varying meanings to the variety of people out there.
This book is not inclined towards any side.
It is informative but denies to answer any question.
It holds statements only and what you make of those statements is left to your own devices.
You may very well agree with some things in this book
and then even disagreements with your own long term beliefs may make you like the enlightenment.
Be it monogamy or infidelity, I think of either as just a concept, an idea or a belief!
We are not faithful/unfaithful to someone ever, we are faithful/unfaithful to ourselves and our definitions of these concepts.
A few aphorisms that I liked are being quoted here;
*Good looks are our best cultural anti depressants. They keep the show going
*Monogamy is a way of getting the versions of ourselves down to a minimum
*We thrive on our disloyalty to ourselves
*In coupledom, the partner may want the exactly same thing but from a quite different point of view
*At its best, monogamy may be the wish to find someone to die with
*All commitment is over commitment
*Our appetites may be fickle but our sense of entitlement persists
*The point about trust is that it is impossible to establish
*I am always true to myself, that is the problem. Who else could I be true to?
*In our erotic lives, word does not work. This is its relief and terror. In fact when you are working at it, you know it has gone wrong
*There's nothing more terrorizing than the possibility that nothing is hidden
*There's nothing more scandalous than a happy marriage
*We can be morally satisfied by someone who forgives us, but can we be sexually satisfied?
*And when we cannot imagine ourselves without each other, we are no longer together
*We only truly value a relationship when it survives our best attempts to destroy it. As every sado-masochist knows, nothing is more seductive than resilience
*If God is dead, everything may be permitted but if monogamy is dead, what is to be done?
*The only true monogamous relationship is the one we have with ourselves
*Monogamy, I discover, is a religion of one
*The climax of monogamy is separation. The climax of infidelity is monogamy,
I very much enjoyed the company of this book as it turned my brain upside down, rattled it some, made sense at some points and clearly defied me at others !
4 stars !!
Every precept is different and may hold varying meanings to the variety of people out there.
This book is not inclined towards any side.
It is informative but denies to answer any question.
It holds statements only and what you make of those statements is left to your own devices.
You may very well agree with some things in this book
and then even disagreements with your own long term beliefs may make you like the enlightenment.
Be it monogamy or infidelity, I think of either as just a concept, an idea or a belief!
We are not faithful/unfaithful to someone ever, we are faithful/unfaithful to ourselves and our definitions of these concepts.
A few aphorisms that I liked are being quoted here;
*Good looks are our best cultural anti depressants. They keep the show going
*Monogamy is a way of getting the versions of ourselves down to a minimum
*We thrive on our disloyalty to ourselves
*In coupledom, the partner may want the exactly same thing but from a quite different point of view
*At its best, monogamy may be the wish to find someone to die with
*All commitment is over commitment
*Our appetites may be fickle but our sense of entitlement persists
*The point about trust is that it is impossible to establish
*I am always true to myself, that is the problem. Who else could I be true to?
*In our erotic lives, word does not work. This is its relief and terror. In fact when you are working at it, you know it has gone wrong
*There's nothing more terrorizing than the possibility that nothing is hidden
*There's nothing more scandalous than a happy marriage
*We can be morally satisfied by someone who forgives us, but can we be sexually satisfied?
*And when we cannot imagine ourselves without each other, we are no longer together
*We only truly value a relationship when it survives our best attempts to destroy it. As every sado-masochist knows, nothing is more seductive than resilience
*If God is dead, everything may be permitted but if monogamy is dead, what is to be done?
*The only true monogamous relationship is the one we have with ourselves
*Monogamy, I discover, is a religion of one
*The climax of monogamy is separation. The climax of infidelity is monogamy,
I very much enjoyed the company of this book as it turned my brain upside down, rattled it some, made sense at some points and clearly defied me at others !
4 stars !!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 10, 2022
https://rogueliterarysociety.com/f/mo...
Having read this book two times I still find it daunting to write a review about it. During both occasions I was excited and totally engaged in my reading. Twice, I recorded segments of aphorisms I found to be exacting and poignant to my study. But I failed miserably in the arrangement of my thoughts regarding this fascinating book on monogamy. And not because there are disagreeable positions being furthered by the author Adam Phillips. His enlightened statements simply produce for me additional questions. What occurs to me however in each subsequent reading is a substantial confirmation of my own long-held beliefs centered on the most-significant relationship of my entire life.
I have known Beverly Lane now for over forty-five years, and have been married to her for thirty-three of them. Upon first meeting her at the foot of the pier at the age of seventeen I was smitten forever, and consequently any other romantic relationship I attempted to nurture in the twelve years following our initial introduction proved impossible. My most ardent attempts at denial proved futile. Any forced suppression of love for Beverly while being married to another worked for a time, but never could my denial sustain itself enough for me to ever remain happy. Even after the divorce from my first wife I still discovered myself unsatisfied in every new relationship, always harboring this haunting belief that I really did belong with this one person never made available to me. And the fact that Beverly, at this period of my life, was married and had two children, suggested nothing would ever change regarding my nagging misery. But how we found each other again still astounds me as I had virtually given up all hope of ever being with her. But life happens, and so did we.
Consequently, our life together the last thirty-eight years, and counting, has been anything but routine. But it has been art. And rather than expound here on all the many difficulties we, as a couple, have had to overcome and endure in making our lives an art, perhaps it is best to highlight the passages in this book that confirm and acknowledge our methods for success. The rest of our story can be discovered in my published poetry and fiction, as well as a photographic history I have religiously presented in our blogs.
The words of Adam Phillips lifted from Monogamy:
Monogamy is just one of the wonders of nature. Nothing in nature is more natural than anything else.
We may believe in sharing as a virtue—we may teach it to our children—but we don’t seem to believe in sharing what we value most, our sexual partners. But if you really loved someone, wouldn’t you want to give them the best thing you’ve got, your partner? It would be a relief not to be puzzled by this.
A couple is a conspiracy in search of a crime. Sex is often the closest they can get.
To describe a couple is to write an autobiography.
At its best monogamy may be the wish to find someone to die with; at its worse it is a cure for the terrors of aliveness.
Why are we more impressed by the experience of falling in love than by the experience of falling out of love? After all, both are painful, both are utterly baffling, both are opportunities.
Perhaps we value monogamy because it lets us have it both ways. It includes falling out of love as part of the ritual—encourages it, even.
The best hideout—the cosiest one—is the one in which you can forget what you are hiding from; or that you are hiding at all. The secret the couple have to keep—mostly from each other—is what they are hiding from and that they are hiding. The belief they have to sustain is that their fears are the same.
We have couples because it is impossible to hide alone.
We only really value a relationship when it survives our best attempts to destroy it. As every sado-masochist knows, nothing is more seductive than resilience. It is the only aphrodisiac that continues to work the more you take it. So the only way we can test our infidelity is through monogamy. A lot of confusion is created by our belief that it is the other way around.
Two’s company, but three’s a couple.
The opposite of monogamy is not just promiscuity, but the absence or the impossibility of relationship itself.
The fact that jealousy sustains desire—or at least kindles it—suggests how precarious desire is. Not only do we need to find a partner, we also need to find a rival. And not only do we have to tell them apart, we also have to keep them apart. We need our rivals to tell us who our partners are. We need our partners to help us find rivals.
The questions for the couple are: do they want to use each other to sustain their desire, or to finish with it?
…Strangeness is exciting but it threatens to derange us; routine is comforting but it threatens to put us to sleep…
Monogamy and infidelity: the difference between making a promise and being promising.
Having read this book two times I still find it daunting to write a review about it. During both occasions I was excited and totally engaged in my reading. Twice, I recorded segments of aphorisms I found to be exacting and poignant to my study. But I failed miserably in the arrangement of my thoughts regarding this fascinating book on monogamy. And not because there are disagreeable positions being furthered by the author Adam Phillips. His enlightened statements simply produce for me additional questions. What occurs to me however in each subsequent reading is a substantial confirmation of my own long-held beliefs centered on the most-significant relationship of my entire life.
I have known Beverly Lane now for over forty-five years, and have been married to her for thirty-three of them. Upon first meeting her at the foot of the pier at the age of seventeen I was smitten forever, and consequently any other romantic relationship I attempted to nurture in the twelve years following our initial introduction proved impossible. My most ardent attempts at denial proved futile. Any forced suppression of love for Beverly while being married to another worked for a time, but never could my denial sustain itself enough for me to ever remain happy. Even after the divorce from my first wife I still discovered myself unsatisfied in every new relationship, always harboring this haunting belief that I really did belong with this one person never made available to me. And the fact that Beverly, at this period of my life, was married and had two children, suggested nothing would ever change regarding my nagging misery. But how we found each other again still astounds me as I had virtually given up all hope of ever being with her. But life happens, and so did we.
Consequently, our life together the last thirty-eight years, and counting, has been anything but routine. But it has been art. And rather than expound here on all the many difficulties we, as a couple, have had to overcome and endure in making our lives an art, perhaps it is best to highlight the passages in this book that confirm and acknowledge our methods for success. The rest of our story can be discovered in my published poetry and fiction, as well as a photographic history I have religiously presented in our blogs.
The words of Adam Phillips lifted from Monogamy:
Monogamy is just one of the wonders of nature. Nothing in nature is more natural than anything else.
We may believe in sharing as a virtue—we may teach it to our children—but we don’t seem to believe in sharing what we value most, our sexual partners. But if you really loved someone, wouldn’t you want to give them the best thing you’ve got, your partner? It would be a relief not to be puzzled by this.
A couple is a conspiracy in search of a crime. Sex is often the closest they can get.
To describe a couple is to write an autobiography.
At its best monogamy may be the wish to find someone to die with; at its worse it is a cure for the terrors of aliveness.
Why are we more impressed by the experience of falling in love than by the experience of falling out of love? After all, both are painful, both are utterly baffling, both are opportunities.
Perhaps we value monogamy because it lets us have it both ways. It includes falling out of love as part of the ritual—encourages it, even.
The best hideout—the cosiest one—is the one in which you can forget what you are hiding from; or that you are hiding at all. The secret the couple have to keep—mostly from each other—is what they are hiding from and that they are hiding. The belief they have to sustain is that their fears are the same.
We have couples because it is impossible to hide alone.
We only really value a relationship when it survives our best attempts to destroy it. As every sado-masochist knows, nothing is more seductive than resilience. It is the only aphrodisiac that continues to work the more you take it. So the only way we can test our infidelity is through monogamy. A lot of confusion is created by our belief that it is the other way around.
Two’s company, but three’s a couple.
The opposite of monogamy is not just promiscuity, but the absence or the impossibility of relationship itself.
The fact that jealousy sustains desire—or at least kindles it—suggests how precarious desire is. Not only do we need to find a partner, we also need to find a rival. And not only do we have to tell them apart, we also have to keep them apart. We need our rivals to tell us who our partners are. We need our partners to help us find rivals.
The questions for the couple are: do they want to use each other to sustain their desire, or to finish with it?
…Strangeness is exciting but it threatens to derange us; routine is comforting but it threatens to put us to sleep…
Monogamy and infidelity: the difference between making a promise and being promising.
August 24, 2022
Başlığının vaad ettiğinin çok aşağısında kalan, iddialı ama ikna edici olmayan, bilgiççe yazılmış bir kitap. Verdiğim paraya acıdığım nadir kitaplardan. Üstelik aynı yazarın çok methini duyduğum başka bir kitabını da almıştım, umarım onda da hayalkırıklığına uğramam…
February 6, 2023
a guy sitting behind me on the bus instructed me to cheat on my wife with homeless lgbtq youth in a hushed, conspiratorial tone and when i got home i wrote this book
March 27, 2012
Provocative aphorisms ... like "Profoundly committed to the better life, the promiscuous, like the monogamous, are idealists. Both are deranged by hope, in awe of reassurance, impressed by their pleasures." It makes for interesting and relevant parallel reading, as I wade through Kierkegaard's Either/Or, with his meditations on Don Juan, the Seducer's Diary...
October 20, 2018
An engaging book on how people view monogamy and infidelity, told in 121 tiny aphoristic chapters. I agree with a lot of what Phillips say in here--and delight in the way he says it--though sometimes it feels a little cold and the word "love" seems a bit too absent.
April 23, 2012
Thank God this book is a quick read. It was interesting and completely boring at the same time. The author brings up some interesting points about fidelity, infidelity an relationships, but he never expounds on anything. This book is nothing more than a collection of single thoughts that may hit you in passing, but no full discussions. Because of this, I think the book falls short of being anything more than a book of quotations on monogamy.
July 14, 2017
sadakat ve ihanet üzerine aforizmalardan ibaret kitap tamamen. çabuk bitiyor belki ama yazılanları derin derin düşünmeye başlayınca ilerleyemiyorsunuz. çeviri başarılı, ilişkiler üzerine felsefe yapmak isteyenler için tavsiye edebilirim. sevdim!
February 12, 2017
Kısa ama çarpıcı aforizmalar. Psikanalitik bakış atıyorsunuz ilişkilere; ama daha fazlası ancak sizinle ilgili bir durum. Kendinizi kandırmadan yaşadıklarınıza bakabilmenizle anlamlanacak/ anlaşılacak, küçük ama düşündürücü bir aforizmalar kitabı.
April 6, 2019
Po mesačnej pauze dočítané. Nevyhovuje mi spôsob, akým je to napísané. Naplácať na seba piate cez deviate, pre mňa to nemá ani hlavu ani pätu. A myšlienky typu “všetko je relatívne”, pravda je relatívna, morálka je relatívna. Nemám potuchy, čo si má človek počať s touto informáciou.
July 28, 2016
This book made me think.
No one has ever been excluded from feeling left out. And everyone is obsessed by what they are excluded from.
The only tradition we can experience is the present moment. And yet we spend most of our lives anxiously hoping we will change - looking forward to things - and doing everything we can to stop this happening. This is why we are only really relaxed, properly at ease, in periods of transition, when we can let time join in.
Monogamy is just one of the wonders of nature. Nothing in nature is more natural than anything else.
We may believe in sharing as a virtue - we may teach it to our children - but we don't seem to believe in sharing what we value most, our sexual partners. But if you really loved someone, wouldn't you want to give them the best thing you've got, your partner? It would be a relief not to be puzzled by this.
We are hungry for reassurance, we so much need to live by the precedent of other people's lives - that we forget how different every couple is.
At its best, monogamy may be the wish to find someone to die with; at its worst, it is a cure for the terrors of aliveness. They are easily confused.
Suspicion is a philosophy of hope. It makes us believe that there is something to know and something worth knowing. It makes us believe there is something rather than nothing. In this sense, sexual jealousy is a form of optimism, if only for philosophers.
There never was any certain possession, desire has never come with a guarantee. We have always been dependent on others for our well-being, which has never, could never, be their exclusive priority.
In our erotic life, work does not work. This is its relief and its terror. It is no more possible to work at a relationship than it is to will an erection, or arrange to have a dream. In fact, when you are working at it, you know it has gong wrong, that something is already missing. In our erotic lives, in other words, trying is always trying too hard; we have to become lazy again about effort, because the good things only come when it stops - affection, curiosity, desire, unworrying attention.
Sexual relationships are only for the work-shy, because they do not work. They just give us more or less pleasure, more or less hope.
We need to replace the idea of the 'real' relationship with the idea of the pleasurable relationship.
About pleasure we are all mystics. We are all terrified of suffering from too much of it. For some people the best solution to this is infidelity, for others monogamy. To each their own asceticism.
The most difficult task for every couple is to get the right amount of misunderstanding. Too little and you assume you know each other. Too much, and you begin to believe there must be someone else, somewhere, who does understand you.
We have affairs when we get our proportions wrong.
We begin to feel safe - a little uneasy, perhaps, but safe - when a new relationship begins to change into a familiar one. When we have settled into our routines, when all the false notes and small misunderstandings have become part of a larger understanding that we call our life together. We don't need to think about it - or think about it like this - we just enjoy each other's company. We cannot imagine ourselves without each other. And when we cannot imagine ourselves without each other, we are no longer together.
-93-
One is never cured of anything, one's preoccupations just change. Certain thoughts simply disappear without telling us. Similarly one is truly monogamous only when monogamy is no longer the point: that is, when one is in love.
Being in love solves the problem of monogamy by making it irrelevant. Or rather, it solves the problem of one's own monogamy. When I am in love, it is only the other person who could be unfaithful. Even if I commit an unfaithful act - which, curiously, I am not freer to do - it will be
innocent, harmless, without meaning. I become, at last, the absolute monogamist. The former vagrancy of my own desire is unthinkable.
With the most intense pleasure - in other words, conviction - I speak my love, and I am clearly believed. And yet, I am never sufficiently persuasive to convince myself that the other is faithful. Monogamy, I discover, is a religion of one.
-96-
One of the most striking things about reading stories to young children is the ruthless promiscuity of their attention. One minute they are utterly absorbed in the adult's virtuoso performance, the next moment a pigeon flies past the window and they are off looking at it. At that moment it is as though there was no story, no special or exclusive connection between the two of you. You will feel impatient or outraged, or dismayed, or even exploited: in other words, abandoned.
Two minutes later the child will come back as though nothing has happened, or dragging another book that will or won't hold their attention. The mobility of the child's interest complicates our ideas about what it is to be interesting. Young children relish the next best thing. But the primitive art of losing interest in things or people is itself easily lost. Good manners are the best way of pretending that this is not an issue, that we can make our feelings last, that our attention is reliable.
Children drop adults far more than adults drop children. It is not that children haven't, as we say, learned to concentrate, or are inept at commitment; but that curiosity is not monogamous. It ranges. But the waywardness of their attention soon becomes risky for children. Anything too intriguing, anything that makes them feel too alive, entails a conflict of loyalties. The best thing we can learn from children is how to lose interest. The worst thing they learn from adults is how to force their attention.
-100-
It is not that one person cannot satisfy our needs, but that with each person we create a new set of needs. This is one way we can tell that we have found a new person. Couples make appetites together; this is the calling of coupledom. Each new person shows us that there is something else to want, but usually in the guise of someone else to want. Seduction, the happy invention of need.
-101-
Masturbation is traditionally taboo not because it damages your health - it is safe sex, but because we fear it may be the truth about sex: that sex is something we do on our own. That our lovers are just a prompt or a hint there to remind us of our own erotic delirium, the people who connect us to somewhere else.
Our life will be what we can make of feeling left out.
Imagination, then, is the comforting word for sexual jealousy; ambition, the slightly less comforting word; and obsession...? Obsession signifies the triumph of the couple who exclude us, our determined or helpless poverty in the face of our exclusion. Obsession is a way of dispelling alternatives, an abrogation of choice, a cure for thought. If it speaks, somehow, of our unwillingness to leave home, our first and necessary obsession, it also speaks of our fear of freedom. Which is partly, of course, our freedom to leave other people out.
The puzzle of coupledom: can we be protected without there being a protection racket?
-115-
One way of loving people is to acknowledge that they have desires which exclude us; that it is possible to love and desire more than one person at the same time. Everyone knows that this is true, and yet we don't want the people we love to start believing it about themselves.
We reserve our most generous, our most ennobling love for ourselves. After all, other people might abuse it. I am free to leave out the people I love, but they must never leave me out unless I want them to. I have a right to be unfaithful, they have an obligation not to be. I love the people I happen to love, but no one I love is allowed to do that.
Unfortunately, I am so busy keeping an eye on the people I love that I have no time to be free. That is, I believe in my freedom but I don't seem to want it.
-116-
Everybody, one might say, is left out of being someone else. But that is no comfort. Coupledom is as close as you can get.
-117-
One of the most common solutions to the pervasive problem of our own envy - which can be our best, our most dismaying clue to what we want - is to make ourselves enviable. This means that the couple who need to be enviable rather than to just enjoy themselves never want each other, because they never know what they want. If the audience sustains the couple, then the couple must be faithful to the audience.
No one has ever been excluded from feeling left out. And everyone is obsessed by what they are excluded from.
The only tradition we can experience is the present moment. And yet we spend most of our lives anxiously hoping we will change - looking forward to things - and doing everything we can to stop this happening. This is why we are only really relaxed, properly at ease, in periods of transition, when we can let time join in.
Monogamy is just one of the wonders of nature. Nothing in nature is more natural than anything else.
We may believe in sharing as a virtue - we may teach it to our children - but we don't seem to believe in sharing what we value most, our sexual partners. But if you really loved someone, wouldn't you want to give them the best thing you've got, your partner? It would be a relief not to be puzzled by this.
We are hungry for reassurance, we so much need to live by the precedent of other people's lives - that we forget how different every couple is.
At its best, monogamy may be the wish to find someone to die with; at its worst, it is a cure for the terrors of aliveness. They are easily confused.
Suspicion is a philosophy of hope. It makes us believe that there is something to know and something worth knowing. It makes us believe there is something rather than nothing. In this sense, sexual jealousy is a form of optimism, if only for philosophers.
There never was any certain possession, desire has never come with a guarantee. We have always been dependent on others for our well-being, which has never, could never, be their exclusive priority.
In our erotic life, work does not work. This is its relief and its terror. It is no more possible to work at a relationship than it is to will an erection, or arrange to have a dream. In fact, when you are working at it, you know it has gong wrong, that something is already missing. In our erotic lives, in other words, trying is always trying too hard; we have to become lazy again about effort, because the good things only come when it stops - affection, curiosity, desire, unworrying attention.
Sexual relationships are only for the work-shy, because they do not work. They just give us more or less pleasure, more or less hope.
We need to replace the idea of the 'real' relationship with the idea of the pleasurable relationship.
About pleasure we are all mystics. We are all terrified of suffering from too much of it. For some people the best solution to this is infidelity, for others monogamy. To each their own asceticism.
The most difficult task for every couple is to get the right amount of misunderstanding. Too little and you assume you know each other. Too much, and you begin to believe there must be someone else, somewhere, who does understand you.
We have affairs when we get our proportions wrong.
We begin to feel safe - a little uneasy, perhaps, but safe - when a new relationship begins to change into a familiar one. When we have settled into our routines, when all the false notes and small misunderstandings have become part of a larger understanding that we call our life together. We don't need to think about it - or think about it like this - we just enjoy each other's company. We cannot imagine ourselves without each other. And when we cannot imagine ourselves without each other, we are no longer together.
-93-
One is never cured of anything, one's preoccupations just change. Certain thoughts simply disappear without telling us. Similarly one is truly monogamous only when monogamy is no longer the point: that is, when one is in love.
Being in love solves the problem of monogamy by making it irrelevant. Or rather, it solves the problem of one's own monogamy. When I am in love, it is only the other person who could be unfaithful. Even if I commit an unfaithful act - which, curiously, I am not freer to do - it will be
innocent, harmless, without meaning. I become, at last, the absolute monogamist. The former vagrancy of my own desire is unthinkable.
With the most intense pleasure - in other words, conviction - I speak my love, and I am clearly believed. And yet, I am never sufficiently persuasive to convince myself that the other is faithful. Monogamy, I discover, is a religion of one.
-96-
One of the most striking things about reading stories to young children is the ruthless promiscuity of their attention. One minute they are utterly absorbed in the adult's virtuoso performance, the next moment a pigeon flies past the window and they are off looking at it. At that moment it is as though there was no story, no special or exclusive connection between the two of you. You will feel impatient or outraged, or dismayed, or even exploited: in other words, abandoned.
Two minutes later the child will come back as though nothing has happened, or dragging another book that will or won't hold their attention. The mobility of the child's interest complicates our ideas about what it is to be interesting. Young children relish the next best thing. But the primitive art of losing interest in things or people is itself easily lost. Good manners are the best way of pretending that this is not an issue, that we can make our feelings last, that our attention is reliable.
Children drop adults far more than adults drop children. It is not that children haven't, as we say, learned to concentrate, or are inept at commitment; but that curiosity is not monogamous. It ranges. But the waywardness of their attention soon becomes risky for children. Anything too intriguing, anything that makes them feel too alive, entails a conflict of loyalties. The best thing we can learn from children is how to lose interest. The worst thing they learn from adults is how to force their attention.
-100-
It is not that one person cannot satisfy our needs, but that with each person we create a new set of needs. This is one way we can tell that we have found a new person. Couples make appetites together; this is the calling of coupledom. Each new person shows us that there is something else to want, but usually in the guise of someone else to want. Seduction, the happy invention of need.
-101-
Masturbation is traditionally taboo not because it damages your health - it is safe sex, but because we fear it may be the truth about sex: that sex is something we do on our own. That our lovers are just a prompt or a hint there to remind us of our own erotic delirium, the people who connect us to somewhere else.
Our life will be what we can make of feeling left out.
Imagination, then, is the comforting word for sexual jealousy; ambition, the slightly less comforting word; and obsession...? Obsession signifies the triumph of the couple who exclude us, our determined or helpless poverty in the face of our exclusion. Obsession is a way of dispelling alternatives, an abrogation of choice, a cure for thought. If it speaks, somehow, of our unwillingness to leave home, our first and necessary obsession, it also speaks of our fear of freedom. Which is partly, of course, our freedom to leave other people out.
The puzzle of coupledom: can we be protected without there being a protection racket?
-115-
One way of loving people is to acknowledge that they have desires which exclude us; that it is possible to love and desire more than one person at the same time. Everyone knows that this is true, and yet we don't want the people we love to start believing it about themselves.
We reserve our most generous, our most ennobling love for ourselves. After all, other people might abuse it. I am free to leave out the people I love, but they must never leave me out unless I want them to. I have a right to be unfaithful, they have an obligation not to be. I love the people I happen to love, but no one I love is allowed to do that.
Unfortunately, I am so busy keeping an eye on the people I love that I have no time to be free. That is, I believe in my freedom but I don't seem to want it.
-116-
Everybody, one might say, is left out of being someone else. But that is no comfort. Coupledom is as close as you can get.
-117-
One of the most common solutions to the pervasive problem of our own envy - which can be our best, our most dismaying clue to what we want - is to make ourselves enviable. This means that the couple who need to be enviable rather than to just enjoy themselves never want each other, because they never know what they want. If the audience sustains the couple, then the couple must be faithful to the audience.
February 5, 2023
Παρασυρμένη από τον τίτλο, που είναι βέβαια ακριβής μετάφραση του αγγλικού τίτλου (Monogamy), ανέμενα κάποια πραγματεία, κάποια συζήτηση περί μονογαμίας με την ελληνική γραμματολογική έννοια της λέξης: Λεξικό Τριανταφυλλίδη: Μονογαμία: «νομικό ή εθιμικό καθεστώς σύμφωνα με το οποίο ο άντρας ή η γυναίκα δεν επιτρέπεται να έχουν ταυτόχρονα περισσότερους από ένα συζύγους». Λεξικό Κριαρά: Μονογαμία: «Το να παντρεύεται κάποιος μόνο μία φορά». Λάθος μου. Γιατί στο πόνημα του Adam Phillips, ψυχαναλυτή, ο όρος "μονογαμία" δεν περιορίζεται στον αριθμό των συζύγων που συνυπάρχουν ταυτόχρονα. Αλλά αντιπαραβάλλεται κυρίως με τον όρο «απιστία»: «Δεν αντιπαραθέτουμε τη μονογαμία στη διγαμία ή στην πολυγαμία, αλλά στην απιστία»·(αφορισμός Νο 10). «Για μερικούς ανθρώπους η καλύτερη λύση είναι η απιστία, για άλλους είναι η μονογαμία (αφορισμός Νο 71). Κι αυτό μάλλον συνάδει με τον σύγχρονο αγγλοσαξονικό ορισμό της λέξης, που- σύμφωνα με το Cambridge Dictionary -monogamy is the fact or custom of having a sexual relationship or marriage with only one other person at a time”, άρα δεν μετράει μόνο ο γάμος, αλλά και η εξωσυζυγική σχέση. (Αντίθετα, ο όρος «πολυγαμία» στο ίδιο λεξικό αναφέρεται μόνο στον γάμο: «Polygamy is the fact or custom of being married to more than one person at the same time»). Κάπου όμως στο κείμενο του Philips συναντούμε και τον αφορισμό: «Το αντίθετο της μονογαμίας δεν είναι η πολυγαμία, αλλά η απουσία ή η απιθανότητα μιας σχέσης» (αφορισμός Νο 98). Και κάπου αλλού (αφορισμός Νο 3) διαβάζουμε: «Οι πολυγαμικοί προσπαθούν να βελτιώσουν τη ζωή τους. Και είναι ιδεαλιστές, όπως οι μονογαμικοί», έκφραση που υπονοεί πως η πολυγαμία ή η μονογαμία είναι κάποιο μόνιμο χαρακτηριστικό γνώρισμα που να επιτρέπει κατηγοριοποίηση των ανθρώπων, όπως ισχύει για το ζωϊκό βασίλειο. Συναντούμε ακόμη τον όρο «κατά συρροή μονογαμία» (αφορισμός Νο 51), που και αυτός χρειάζεται αποσαφήνιση.
Αντιπαρερχόμενοι τις γλωσσικές επιφυλάξεις, διαπιστώνουμε ότι το βιβλιαράκι περιλαμβάνει κάποιες σκέψεις, κάποιους θεωρητικούς αφορισμούς, ασύνδετους μεταξύ τους, έναν σε κάθε σελίδα, τους οποίους ο συγγραφέας προφανώς διαμόρφωσε με βάση το επιστημονικό και επαγγελματικό του υπόβαθρο. Κάποιοι από αυτούς αναφέρονται σε καταστάσεις αναγνωρίσιμες, π.χ. «Η οικειότητα ίσως αυξάνει τη στοργή μας, τον σεβασμό, ακόμα και τον χρόνο που περνάμε με τους άλλους. Σπανίως αυξάνει την επιθυμία μας γι’ αυτούς. Μάλιστα, ένα επιχείρημα υπέρ της μονογαμίας είναι η υπερτίμηση της στοργής και η υποτίμηση της επιθυμίας» (αφορισμός Νο. 137). Σε άλλους πάλι, έμμεσα διαφαίνεται η άποψη του συγγραφέα για το ρόλο των κοινωνικών στερεότυπων στη στάση μας απέναντι στο θέμα, π.χ.:
• Η απιστία είναι πρόβλημα επειδή παίρνουμε ως δεδομένο τη μονογαμία (αφορισμός Νο. 2)
• Οι περισσότεροι άνθρωποι δεν θα επιζητούσαν τη μονογαμία αν δεν είχαν ακούσει να μιλάνε γι’ αυτή (αφορισμός Νο. 107)
• Η μονογαμία είναι τόσο σπουδαία για μας επειδή, μεταξύ άλλων, οι εναλλακτικές της μας φαίνονται τρομακτικές. Το άτομο που φοβόμαστε περισσότερο είναι εκείνο που δεν πιστεύει στην οικουμενική ιερότητα του –συνήθως ετερόφυλου– ζευγαριού. Όπως η ομοφοβία και η ξενοφοβία, όλες οι φοβίες μάς λένε: αν δεν επιλέξουμε τη μονογαμία, η μοίρα μας θα είναι η απομόνωση ή το χάος της απρόσωπης ύπαρξης. Μια απειλή, όχι μια υπόσχεση (αφορισμός Νο. 98).
Δεν θα το χαρακτήριζα ευανάγνωστο και ευνόητο κείμενο, ο αφαιρετικός τρόπος γραφής και τα γλωσσικά παιχνίδια παραπέμπουν περισσότερο σε υπερρεαλιστική λογοτεχνία, παρά σε επιστημονικό πόνημα.
Αντιπαρερχόμενοι τις γλωσσικές επιφυλάξεις, διαπιστώνουμε ότι το βιβλιαράκι περιλαμβάνει κάποιες σκέψεις, κάποιους θεωρητικούς αφορισμούς, ασύνδετους μεταξύ τους, έναν σε κάθε σελίδα, τους οποίους ο συγγραφέας προφανώς διαμόρφωσε με βάση το επιστημονικό και επαγγελματικό του υπόβαθρο. Κάποιοι από αυτούς αναφέρονται σε καταστάσεις αναγνωρίσιμες, π.χ. «Η οικειότητα ίσως αυξάνει τη στοργή μας, τον σεβασμό, ακόμα και τον χρόνο που περνάμε με τους άλλους. Σπανίως αυξάνει την επιθυμία μας γι’ αυτούς. Μάλιστα, ένα επιχείρημα υπέρ της μονογαμίας είναι η υπερτίμηση της στοργής και η υποτίμηση της επιθυμίας» (αφορισμός Νο. 137). Σε άλλους πάλι, έμμεσα διαφαίνεται η άποψη του συγγραφέα για το ρόλο των κοινωνικών στερεότυπων στη στάση μας απέναντι στο θέμα, π.χ.:
• Η απιστία είναι πρόβλημα επειδή παίρνουμε ως δεδομένο τη μονογαμία (αφορισμός Νο. 2)
• Οι περισσότεροι άνθρωποι δεν θα επιζητούσαν τη μονογαμία αν δεν είχαν ακούσει να μιλάνε γι’ αυτή (αφορισμός Νο. 107)
• Η μονογαμία είναι τόσο σπουδαία για μας επειδή, μεταξύ άλλων, οι εναλλακτικές της μας φαίνονται τρομακτικές. Το άτομο που φοβόμαστε περισσότερο είναι εκείνο που δεν πιστεύει στην οικουμενική ιερότητα του –συνήθως ετερόφυλου– ζευγαριού. Όπως η ομοφοβία και η ξενοφοβία, όλες οι φοβίες μάς λένε: αν δεν επιλέξουμε τη μονογαμία, η μοίρα μας θα είναι η απομόνωση ή το χάος της απρόσωπης ύπαρξης. Μια απειλή, όχι μια υπόσχεση (αφορισμός Νο. 98).
Δεν θα το χαρακτήριζα ευανάγνωστο και ευνόητο κείμενο, ο αφαιρετικός τρόπος γραφής και τα γλωσσικά παιχνίδια παραπέμπουν περισσότερο σε υπερρεαλιστική λογοτεχνία, παρά σε επιστημονικό πόνημα.
February 26, 2025
Bir yalanı yutarsanız, peşinden gelen her şeyi de yutmak zorunda kalırsınız…
Güzel görünüş, depresyona karşı en iyi kültürel ilacımızdır…
Kişinin eşine yapabileceği en zalimce şey, sadakati becerip yüceltmeyi becerememektir…
Hayata başlamamız tekeşli bir andı; ilk maceramız “evli” biriyle olsa bile…
Aslında bir ilişki için çabalıyorsanız, zaten bir şeyler ters gidiyor, bir şeyler eksik demektir…
Her çifti bekleyen en zorlu iş, doğru miktarda yanlış anlamayı sağlamaktır. Yanlış anlama çok az olursa birbirinizi anladığınızı varsayarsınız. Fazla olursa bir yerlerde sizi gerçekten anlayacak birinin varolduğuna inanmaya başlarsınız. Oranı tutturamadığımızda maceralarımız olur…
Bizi affeden birinin varlığı, ahlaki açıdan tatmin olmamızı sağlar; ama cinsel açıdan da tatmin olabilir miyiz bununla? Tekeşliliğin risklerinden biri günah çıkarmaya dönüşmesidir; o zaman aradaki farkı anlayamayız…
İki kişiden ancak arkadaş olur, çift üç kişiden oluşur…
Çocuklardan öğrenebiliceğimiz en iyi şey, ilgimizi nasıl kaybedeceğimizdir. Onların yetişkinlerden öğrenebilicekleri en kötü şey ise nasıl zoraki bir biçimde dikkat gösterileceğidir…
Mesele bir kişinin bütün ihtiyaçlarımızı karşılıyamayacak olmasında değil; mesele her kişiyle birlikte yeni bir ihtiyaçlar dizisi yaratmamızda…
Devamlılık bize güven verir ama cinsellikten de uzaklaştırır. Yabancılık heyecan vericidir ama bizi düzenimizi bozmakla tehdit eder…
Güzel görünüş, depresyona karşı en iyi kültürel ilacımızdır…
Kişinin eşine yapabileceği en zalimce şey, sadakati becerip yüceltmeyi becerememektir…
Hayata başlamamız tekeşli bir andı; ilk maceramız “evli” biriyle olsa bile…
Aslında bir ilişki için çabalıyorsanız, zaten bir şeyler ters gidiyor, bir şeyler eksik demektir…
Her çifti bekleyen en zorlu iş, doğru miktarda yanlış anlamayı sağlamaktır. Yanlış anlama çok az olursa birbirinizi anladığınızı varsayarsınız. Fazla olursa bir yerlerde sizi gerçekten anlayacak birinin varolduğuna inanmaya başlarsınız. Oranı tutturamadığımızda maceralarımız olur…
Bizi affeden birinin varlığı, ahlaki açıdan tatmin olmamızı sağlar; ama cinsel açıdan da tatmin olabilir miyiz bununla? Tekeşliliğin risklerinden biri günah çıkarmaya dönüşmesidir; o zaman aradaki farkı anlayamayız…
İki kişiden ancak arkadaş olur, çift üç kişiden oluşur…
Çocuklardan öğrenebiliceğimiz en iyi şey, ilgimizi nasıl kaybedeceğimizdir. Onların yetişkinlerden öğrenebilicekleri en kötü şey ise nasıl zoraki bir biçimde dikkat gösterileceğidir…
Mesele bir kişinin bütün ihtiyaçlarımızı karşılıyamayacak olmasında değil; mesele her kişiyle birlikte yeni bir ihtiyaçlar dizisi yaratmamızda…
Devamlılık bize güven verir ama cinsellikten de uzaklaştırır. Yabancılık heyecan vericidir ama bizi düzenimizi bozmakla tehdit eder…
April 25, 2021
Tekeşlilik üzerine düşünmenin ve bir kitap aracılığıyla okuru bu konu üzerine düşündürmenin provokatif bir girişim olduğunu düşünüyorum. Adam Phillips de aforizmaları kullanarak, kısa ama derin bir anlatıyla, okura şimdiye değin fark etmemiş olabileceğini fark ettirmeye çalışıyor bir yanıyla. Kitaptaki bütün yazılar, 46. aforizmada özetlenmiş gibi geliyor bana. Diyor ki:
"İletişim kurmamak imkânsızdır. İletişime taraftar ya da karşı olamazsınız. Kendi standartlarınızla ya da başkalarının standartlarıyla az ya da çok iyi iletişebilirsiniz yalnızca; ama iletişim kurmamazlık edemezsiniz. Bu anlamda, tekeşlilik iletişim gibidir. Ona bağlı olmak kadar karşı olmak da saçmadır."
Bu alıntı aklıma, hayatlarımızda bizden bağımsız öyle çalışan, "kaçınılmaz" olan şeyleri getiriyor. Unutma ve hatırlama edimleri nasıl birbirinin zıttı değilse ve birbirlerine ihtiyaç duyuyorlarsa var olmak için, tekeşlilik ve sadakatsizlik de seçebildiğimiz şeyler değil. Daha doğrusu yazarın da söylediği gibi birini seçtiğimizde diğeri de otomatik olarak hayatımıza giriveriyor.
Bakmayın, bu yorumda kitapta anlatılan her şeyi sindirmiş, kabul etmiş ve belki de hak vermiş gibi yazdığıma. Tam aksine bolca ünlemli, soru işaretli, aforizmaların altına bazen yazarın yazdığından daha uzun sorular yazarak, notlar düşerek ve "O kadar da değil canım, saçmalama" diyen iç sesimle okudum kitabı. (Belki de "o kadar" olduğundan böyle demiştir iç sesim. İnkar en kolay kaçış yöntemlerinden biri değil midir zaten?)
Sanırım en çok da aile bağlamında yazılanlarla aydınlandım ve yazarın düşüncelerine katıldım. Eh, kitabın spekülatif bir yanı olduğunu olduğunu da düşündüğümden, puan kırmadan edemedim okumama.
"İletişim kurmamak imkânsızdır. İletişime taraftar ya da karşı olamazsınız. Kendi standartlarınızla ya da başkalarının standartlarıyla az ya da çok iyi iletişebilirsiniz yalnızca; ama iletişim kurmamazlık edemezsiniz. Bu anlamda, tekeşlilik iletişim gibidir. Ona bağlı olmak kadar karşı olmak da saçmadır."
Bu alıntı aklıma, hayatlarımızda bizden bağımsız öyle çalışan, "kaçınılmaz" olan şeyleri getiriyor. Unutma ve hatırlama edimleri nasıl birbirinin zıttı değilse ve birbirlerine ihtiyaç duyuyorlarsa var olmak için, tekeşlilik ve sadakatsizlik de seçebildiğimiz şeyler değil. Daha doğrusu yazarın da söylediği gibi birini seçtiğimizde diğeri de otomatik olarak hayatımıza giriveriyor.
Bakmayın, bu yorumda kitapta anlatılan her şeyi sindirmiş, kabul etmiş ve belki de hak vermiş gibi yazdığıma. Tam aksine bolca ünlemli, soru işaretli, aforizmaların altına bazen yazarın yazdığından daha uzun sorular yazarak, notlar düşerek ve "O kadar da değil canım, saçmalama" diyen iç sesimle okudum kitabı. (Belki de "o kadar" olduğundan böyle demiştir iç sesim. İnkar en kolay kaçış yöntemlerinden biri değil midir zaten?)
Sanırım en çok da aile bağlamında yazılanlarla aydınlandım ve yazarın düşüncelerine katıldım. Eh, kitabın spekülatif bir yanı olduğunu olduğunu da düşündüğümden, puan kırmadan edemedim okumama.
December 29, 2021
" Çift üç kişiden oluşur.."
"Hiç kimse hak ettiği ilişkiyi elde edemez. Bu kimi için sonu gelmez bir içerleme kaynağıdır, kimi içinse sonu gelmez bir arzu kaynağı. Kimileri içinse en önemli şey sonu olmayan bir şey bulmuş olmaktır. "
"Her çifti bekleyen en zorlu iş, doğru miktarda yanlış anlamayı sağlamaktır. Yanlış anlama çok az olursa birbirinizi anladığınızı varsayarsınız. Fazla olursa bir yerlerde sizi gerçekten anlayacak birinin varolduğuna inanmaya başlarsınız. Oranı doğru tutturamadığımızda maceralarımız olur. "
"Hiç kimse hak ettiği ilişkiyi elde edemez. Bu kimi için sonu gelmez bir içerleme kaynağıdır, kimi içinse sonu gelmez bir arzu kaynağı. Kimileri içinse en önemli şey sonu olmayan bir şey bulmuş olmaktır. "
"Her çifti bekleyen en zorlu iş, doğru miktarda yanlış anlamayı sağlamaktır. Yanlış anlama çok az olursa birbirinizi anladığınızı varsayarsınız. Fazla olursa bir yerlerde sizi gerçekten anlayacak birinin varolduğuna inanmaya başlarsınız. Oranı doğru tutturamadığımızda maceralarımız olur. "
January 23, 2015
I like this itty bitty book. I don't know how quick I would be to recommend it to others, though, because the list of aphorisms format can be a bit tiresome.
Each of the 121 aphorisms about monogamy and related concepts made me think, some more than others.
Essentially, Phillips disrupts the commonly shared assumption that monogamy is essential or even, necessarily, realistic or good. He does so with wit, style, and a bit of cynicism.
Here are a few of my favorite insights:
111: "Familiarity may increase our affection, our respect, even our time for other people, but it rarely increases our desire for them (indeed, the attempt to value affection over desire is one of the good -- one of the underestimated -- aims of monogamy). Continuity reassures us, but it also unsexes us, which may be part of its appeal. Strangeness is exciting but it threatens to derange us; routine is comforting but it threatens to put us to sleep. Nothing convinces us of our capacity to make choices -- nothing sustains our illusion of freedom -- more than our ability to regularise our behaviour. And nothing is more capable of destroying our interest and our pleasure in what we do."
41: "Suspicion is a philosophy of hope. It makes us believe that there is something to know and something worth knowing. It makes us believe there is something rather than nothing. In this sense, sexual jealousy is a form of optimism, if only for philosophers."
115: "One way of loving people is to acknowledge that they have desires which exclude us; that it is possible to love and desire more than one person at the same time. Everyone knows that this is true, and yet we don't want the people we love to start believing it about themselves."
90: "Everything we say is an experiment because we can never be quite sure how people will react. This is why people used to get engaged first."
Each of the 121 aphorisms about monogamy and related concepts made me think, some more than others.
Essentially, Phillips disrupts the commonly shared assumption that monogamy is essential or even, necessarily, realistic or good. He does so with wit, style, and a bit of cynicism.
Here are a few of my favorite insights:
111: "Familiarity may increase our affection, our respect, even our time for other people, but it rarely increases our desire for them (indeed, the attempt to value affection over desire is one of the good -- one of the underestimated -- aims of monogamy). Continuity reassures us, but it also unsexes us, which may be part of its appeal. Strangeness is exciting but it threatens to derange us; routine is comforting but it threatens to put us to sleep. Nothing convinces us of our capacity to make choices -- nothing sustains our illusion of freedom -- more than our ability to regularise our behaviour. And nothing is more capable of destroying our interest and our pleasure in what we do."
41: "Suspicion is a philosophy of hope. It makes us believe that there is something to know and something worth knowing. It makes us believe there is something rather than nothing. In this sense, sexual jealousy is a form of optimism, if only for philosophers."
115: "One way of loving people is to acknowledge that they have desires which exclude us; that it is possible to love and desire more than one person at the same time. Everyone knows that this is true, and yet we don't want the people we love to start believing it about themselves."
90: "Everything we say is an experiment because we can never be quite sure how people will react. This is why people used to get engaged first."
Read
February 8, 2020I think in some ways I might always need this.
I do “believe” in monogamy, or at least I’ve never wanted more than one person at a time if I’m in love, and I don’t cheat. But I also don’t know if it’s possible for me to stay with someone for more than 5 years. Even the thought of it makes me feel claustrophobic. This is (for me) sort of a meditation on claustrophobia— and a meditation on getting out of the confined space. The value in the book is what it produces in you.
I feel like I’ve been in love my whole life. Somewhat reluctantly in love, as if I don’t know another way of existing. And I also realise I have no idea what I really want. What I want is not what I seek/ what I seek is not what I want.
21. A couple is a conspiracy in search of a crime. Sex is often the closest they can get.
I do “believe” in monogamy, or at least I’ve never wanted more than one person at a time if I’m in love, and I don’t cheat. But I also don’t know if it’s possible for me to stay with someone for more than 5 years. Even the thought of it makes me feel claustrophobic. This is (for me) sort of a meditation on claustrophobia— and a meditation on getting out of the confined space. The value in the book is what it produces in you.
I feel like I’ve been in love my whole life. Somewhat reluctantly in love, as if I don’t know another way of existing. And I also realise I have no idea what I really want. What I want is not what I seek/ what I seek is not what I want.
21. A couple is a conspiracy in search of a crime. Sex is often the closest they can get.
May 23, 2020
Genel itibariyle okuması yorucu bir kitap oldu benim için. Yazarın aynı şeyleri farklı versiyonlarda önümüze koyma çabası çoğu zaman fazla sıkıcı oldu. Ama kitaptaki bazı vurucu aforizmalar gerçekten nokta atışı yapıyor, bunu da yadsıyamam.
"Tekeşlilik kendimizin versiyonlarının sayısını minimumda tutmanın yollarından biridir. Ve tabii kendimizi bazı versiyonların diğerlerinden daha hakiki olduğuna, bazılarının gerçekten özel olduğuna inandırmanın yolu."
"TEKEŞLİLİK en iyi haliyle, beraber ölünecek birini bulma dileğidir; en kötü haliyle ise hayatta olmanın dehşetlerine bir şifa. Bu ikisi sık sık karıştırılıyor."
"BİR ŞEYİ yanlış olduğuna inandığınız için yapmamakla, cezalandırılabileceğiniz için yapmamak arasında bir fark vardır."
"...Ve kendimizi birbirimiz olmadan hayal edemediğimiz zaman, artık birlikte değilizdir."
"Tekeşlilik kendimizin versiyonlarının sayısını minimumda tutmanın yollarından biridir. Ve tabii kendimizi bazı versiyonların diğerlerinden daha hakiki olduğuna, bazılarının gerçekten özel olduğuna inandırmanın yolu."
"TEKEŞLİLİK en iyi haliyle, beraber ölünecek birini bulma dileğidir; en kötü haliyle ise hayatta olmanın dehşetlerine bir şifa. Bu ikisi sık sık karıştırılıyor."
"BİR ŞEYİ yanlış olduğuna inandığınız için yapmamakla, cezalandırılabileceğiniz için yapmamak arasında bir fark vardır."
"...Ve kendimizi birbirimiz olmadan hayal edemediğimiz zaman, artık birlikte değilizdir."
April 13, 2016
"Devamlılık bize güven verir ama cinsellikten de uzaklaştırır, belki çekiciliğinin bir kısmı da buradan gelmektedir. Yabancılık heyecan vericidir ama bizi düzenimizi bozmakla tehdit eder; rutin rahatlık vericidir ama bizi uyutmakla tehdit eder. Bizi seçim yapma kapasitemiz olduğuna en çok ikna eden, özgür olduğumuz yanılsamasını en çok canlı tutan şey, davranışlarımızı düzene sokma yeteneğimizdir. Ama yaptıklarımıza olan ilgimizi ve bunlardan aldığımız zevki en çok tahrip eden şey de bizatihi bu yetenektir."
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March 7, 2016 Konu uzerine daha önce okuduğum
Çokaşlılık, konuyu daha ziyade tarihi açıdan ele almıştı ve okuyucuya bilgi vermek niyetiyle yazılmış gibiydi. Bu kitap da sorular sordurmak icin yazilmis daha cok bence. Bu nedenle, tekeslilik-cokaşklılık üzerine( kitap isimleri uzerinden karşıtlık kurdum sadece) düşünmek için daha ufuk açıcı buldum ben bu kitabı. Daha önce sormadığım soruları sormamı sağladı diğerinden farklı olarak. İste size bir yorumda iki kitap!
Çokaşlılık, konuyu daha ziyade tarihi açıdan ele almıştı ve okuyucuya bilgi vermek niyetiyle yazılmış gibiydi. Bu kitap da sorular sordurmak icin yazilmis daha cok bence. Bu nedenle, tekeslilik-cokaşklılık üzerine( kitap isimleri uzerinden karşıtlık kurdum sadece) düşünmek için daha ufuk açıcı buldum ben bu kitabı. Daha önce sormadığım soruları sormamı sağladı diğerinden farklı olarak. İste size bir yorumda iki kitap!
April 6, 2018
I want to like this book more; there are some little gems sprinkled throughout. The false dichotomy of monogamy and infidelity detracted from the statements Phillips tries to make. Still, there are bits that warrant rumination.
May 9, 2019
Nuž, ak pominiem niekoľko málo zaujímavých viet, tak nie celkom rozumiem, prečo bola táto kniha preložená. Možno som neporozumel autorovi, možno potrebu knihy pochopím až na druhé čítanie … len si nie som istý, či sa k nemu odhodlám.
February 21, 2022
Devamlılık bize güven verir ama cinsellikten de uzaklaştırır, belki çekiciliğin bir kısmı da buradan gelmektedir. Yabancılık heyecan vericidir ama bizi düzenimizi bozmakla tehdit eder; rutin rahatlık vericidir ama bizi uyutmakla tehdit eder.
March 4, 2019
Witty, enigmatic, and deep. The closest thing that comes to my mind, in terms of style, is Lao Tzo's Tao Te Ching.
December 29, 2025
Meditative one-line ramblings from a psychotherapist. Many one liners which could be deployed to impress women! :)
December 1, 2018
Aforizmalardan oluşan kitaplar genelde beni ürkütmüştür. Zaten dil iletişim üzerinde başlı başına kısıtlayıcı bir unsur iken, bir de koca koca düşüncelerin arka plan bilgisinden yoksun şekilde 2-3 cümle ile aktarılmaya çalışılmasının, anlatımı ciddi anlamda boşlukta bırakacağını düşünegelmişimdir.
Ancak bu kitap, bu türden endişelerimin yersiz olabileceğini gösterdi bana. Tek eşilik ve çok eşlilik kavramlarından ne birini diğerine ne de ötekini berikine savunma ihtiyacı hissetmeyen yazar, konu üzerinde aklından geçenleri, yaşadıklarından edindiği izlenimleri, sorgulamalarını, yorumlamalarını şeffaf bir şekilde bizlere aktarmış.
Yer yer düşüncemde yeni kapılar açan, çok çok da zihin jimnastiği şeklinde geçen, bugüne kadar üzerine kafa yormuş olduklarımı ölçüp tartmamı, kategorize etmemi sağlayan akıcı ve keyifli bir okuma serüveni oldu benim için. Zihinlerindeki sadakat ve ihanet kavramlarını şöyle bir ters yüz etmek isteyenlere tavsiye olunur.
Ancak bu kitap, bu türden endişelerimin yersiz olabileceğini gösterdi bana. Tek eşilik ve çok eşlilik kavramlarından ne birini diğerine ne de ötekini berikine savunma ihtiyacı hissetmeyen yazar, konu üzerinde aklından geçenleri, yaşadıklarından edindiği izlenimleri, sorgulamalarını, yorumlamalarını şeffaf bir şekilde bizlere aktarmış.
Yer yer düşüncemde yeni kapılar açan, çok çok da zihin jimnastiği şeklinde geçen, bugüne kadar üzerine kafa yormuş olduklarımı ölçüp tartmamı, kategorize etmemi sağlayan akıcı ve keyifli bir okuma serüveni oldu benim için. Zihinlerindeki sadakat ve ihanet kavramlarını şöyle bir ters yüz etmek isteyenlere tavsiye olunur.
June 16, 2018
Bir yalanı yutarsanız, peşinden gelen her şeyi de yutmak zorunda kalırsınız. EMERSON
Herkes kendinden esirgenen şey konusunda saplantılıdır. Başka bir deyişle, tekeşliliğe inanmak, tanrıya inanmaktan pek farklı değildir..
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Mesele neye inandığımız değil, hiç inanıp inanmadığımızdır. Mesele kime sadık olduğumuz değil, sadık olup olmadığımızdır. İnsan sadakati her zaman üstüne alınmamalı.
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Tekeşlilik yanında daima sadakatsizliği de getirir; bir ihtimal olarak da olsa.
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Şüphe bir umut felsefesidir. Bizi bilinecek birşey olduğuna, bilinmeye değer birşey olduğuna inandırır. Bizi hiçbir şey değil de birşeyler olduğuna inandırır...
Ufak ufak keyifli aforizmalar, içsel dışsal sorgulamalar... insanın tek sadakati sadece kendisinedir. güven, vaat kılığına girmiş risktir... dinsel ateistler hiç olmazsa tanrının öldüğüne inanabiliyorlardı, peki erotik ateistler neye inanıyor?
Herkes kendinden esirgenen şey konusunda saplantılıdır. Başka bir deyişle, tekeşliliğe inanmak, tanrıya inanmaktan pek farklı değildir..
.
.
.
Mesele neye inandığımız değil, hiç inanıp inanmadığımızdır. Mesele kime sadık olduğumuz değil, sadık olup olmadığımızdır. İnsan sadakati her zaman üstüne alınmamalı.
.
.
.
Tekeşlilik yanında daima sadakatsizliği de getirir; bir ihtimal olarak da olsa.
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.
.
Şüphe bir umut felsefesidir. Bizi bilinecek birşey olduğuna, bilinmeye değer birşey olduğuna inandırır. Bizi hiçbir şey değil de birşeyler olduğuna inandırır...
Ufak ufak keyifli aforizmalar, içsel dışsal sorgulamalar... insanın tek sadakati sadece kendisinedir. güven, vaat kılığına girmiş risktir... dinsel ateistler hiç olmazsa tanrının öldüğüne inanabiliyorlardı, peki erotik ateistler neye inanıyor?
September 15, 2022
Interesting insights on love and definitely a few profound passages here. Obviously, this book is no analytical project on love in either a philosophical or psychoanalytic way. It does seem that Phillips is always on the verge/threshold of Lacanian ideas such as the small other, the big other, the objet (petit) a, and generally asserting a dialectic (which Phillips poses as a contradiction or paradox) between monogamy and infidelity. I'm not too educated on Phillips's influences, but these methods applied to monogamy definitely make for some thought-provoking, heady quotes, but I really don't feel like I learn much about love or can take away anything from here to apply in real relationships. It's more a collection of cool observations honestly.
July 29, 2023
Uzun zamandır tek yıldız verdiğim bir kitap olmamıştı ama bu kitap hiç olmamış hele Adam Phillips’ten olması daha da büyük hayal kırıklığı. Aforizmalar sağdan soldan toplanmış alakasız bir dolu söylem bir araya getirilmiş gibi. Hani mahalle kahvesinde asla kaale almayacağınız saçma sapan görüşlerin toplamı olmuş gibi…
December 15, 2020
"Η κορύφωση της μονογαμίας είναι ο χωρισμός. Η κορύφωση της απιστίας είναι η μονογαμία. Πάντοτε το τέλος καθορίζει τα πράγματα. Οι κορυφώσεις είναι το χειρότερο είδος διακοπής. Αλλά χωρίς διακοπή δε θα ξέραμε τι συμβαίνει. Η συνήθεια μας κλείνει τα μάτια. Στην ερωτική ζωή είναι σημαντικό να μη συγχέουμε αυτά που επιδιώκουμε με εκείνα στα οποία καταλήγουμε. Να μη συγχέουμε τον σκοπό με τα μέσα."
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