10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy

by Julie Schwartz Gottman, John M. Gottman

Here, two of the world’s leading couple therapists give readers an inside tour of what goes on inside the consulting rooms of their practice. They have been doing couples work for decades and still find it challenging. This book gathers together what they have learned over the years of their practice and touches on issues at the core of couples work. Topics addressed include:


• You know that you need to “treat the relationship,” but how are you supposed to get at something as elusive as “a relationship”?

• Compared to an individual client, a relationship is an entirely different animal. What should you do first? What should you look for? What questions should you ask? If clients give different answers, who should you believe?

• Which client is right if they argue in front of you? Which one is the culprit, and which one is innocent? Who should you empathize with?

• How do you empathize with both clients if they have opposite points of view? Later on, if they end up separating does that mean you’ve failed? Are you only successful if you keep couples together?

• What are you supposed to do with all the emotional and personal history that your clients stir up in you?

• How to make your work research-based


No-one who works with couples will want to be without the insight, guidance, and strategies offered in this book.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships, Counselling, Nonfiction, Marriage, Audiobook, Self Help

288 pages, Hardcover

First published December 15, 2014

About the author

Julie Schwartz Gottman is a clinical psychologist, co-founder and director of the Gottman Institute. She is co-initiator of the extremely popular weekend workshops for couples "The Art and Science of Love" and co-developed the national clinical training program for Gottman couples therapy in the USA. She is an author and co-author and lives with her husband in Seattle.

Reviews

[Kaitlin Moore · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm torn on this book. First on the writing, Julie Gottman is clearly a gifted writer. The complaint I have with many non fiction books is they hammer home the same point for 50 pages to add bulk. This is not the case here, it moves quick, clearly explains each principal and moves on without crushing the intellectual soul of the reader. It was easy to get through without sacrificing content. I could, however, have done without some of the ways of speech, for example when describing one young woman's incestual abuse she said "and then her uncle invited his friends over for the fun." I get the sentiment of the sentence, the acerbic sarcasm there but I would have preferred something a little more along the lines "and they her uncle trafficked her to his friends"

The principal itself has A LOT of good content. The idea of a love map, moving towards each other etc etc, its well researched and makes beautiful sense. I found myself horrified at the idea of forcing one partner to tell of an affair if they are to remain in therapy. Fo real though? I mean I get it... trust... transparency... but good god this isn't a one size fits all. Couples are different and have affairs for different reasons and perhaps, just perhaps disclosure takes away from the real issues that made an affair a viable options and makes one person a villan and the other a saint. I am not against health disclosure of an affair but that's a big cat to let out of the bag and that bell won't unring. It also unburdens the partner who had the affair at the psychological expense of the partner who did not. Also, not directly addressed but what if a couple is in their 60s and one partner had an affair in their 30's and has been faithful since. Do you disclose that 30 years later? I just think anytime you say "you always must" you limit yourself and are not operating with best practice. Also... as much as they say "don't judge" they totally judge the whole affair thing. It's pretty clear.

I also found the verbatims saccharine and a little gross, especially the gestalt, but that's style more than anything. Overall great principals and well written. Like AA says, take what you like and leave the rest.

[Juletta Gilge]

I absolutely loved the way this book was written. Helpful tips for how to bring these principles into practice, and what they look like in action.

[Melikafakhraei · Rating 4 out of 5]

خوندن این کتاب رو به کسایی که قرارِ در زمینه زوج درمانی شروع به مطالعه و کار کنن پیشنهاد میکنم ،
مخصوصا اگر که هیچ زمینه ایی از این حیطه روانشناسی ندارن .
زبان ساده و بدون تکلف،
پر از تعریف کیس های مختلف،
گفتن از مشکلات زوج ها و راه حل های ساده

در کل شاید اونقدر کتاب خفن و پر از تکنیکی نباشه اما ذهنتون رو آماده میکنه برای شروع 🕊

من ترجمش رو از نشر ارجمند خوندم
ترجمه خوبی داشت 🍃

[Alicia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this twice in a row. Since I’m not going to be a marriage & family counselor, I wanted to soak up a little knowledge. Great book for practitioners, also very practical for relationships in general. The bonus pdf along w the audio was a cool resource too. I’ll be checking out more work by the Gottmans.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so helpful for laying on potential steps for working with couples in therapy, giving so many actual examples and how the Gottman’s applied their tools and navigated the unexpected barriers that arose along the way.

[Grace Farley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really like this book! I feel like I learned so much about couple functions, the Gottman's research is FASCINATING!

[Allie Brookman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book for therapist. Simple but impactful concepts for couples.

[Michael George · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really fantastic intro to this topic. The stories of various couples are engaging and provide great examples for each technique and principle.

[Sammie g · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just plain good advice

[Charlie Evans · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super practical - great resources, and highly evidence driven. Each step is accompanied by a story of couples therapy which makes it quite an enjoyable read.

[Jordan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Despite being fairly familiar with Gottman’s work, I still found this book to be practical and filled with helpful information that I can use while working with couples on my caseload.

[Benjamin Spanos · Rating 2 out of 5]

I cannot believe my presbyterian seminary working towards a biblically sufficient marriage counselling program assigned a book where I had to read a whole chapter on gay sex dramas that resulted in daddy issues and then tonal whiplash on a chapter about a woman who took ok masochistic tendencies because she forgot she was abused by her ex-Gestapo grandpa.

The human heart is incredibly dark and despite it being interesting to see the Gottman’s deploy the best of secular research to dance around this reality, they also abide it in the chapter where they encourage a wife to normalise her husband’s cross dressing because “sexuality is le funny”.

Some of the techniques are fascinating but half the book reads like a novel that is hard to believe these scenarios. The book can be summarised by the schizophrenic approach to counselling suggested in a here paraphrased sentence toward the end of the book that implied: “Because of evolution humans can adapt and survive to make crazy challenge” only to be undercut words later by: “we have seen our fair share of miracles that kept couples together.”

[Sam P · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listen: I do not doubt that the Gottman principles are effective for treating couples. My issue with this book is the tone taken towards clients in almost every chapter. I found myself cringing through unhelpful, off-color remarks such as describing one client as growing up in ghetto life that included family separation whereafter their grandmother "fed" them with "slaps and criticism." This person was abused and experienced poverty, trauma, and hardship. Why is their experience being described in such flippant terms? It make me feel a little sick to my stomach.

Further, ironically, the principle regarding "suspending" moral judgments when working with affairs is laden with moral judgments throughout. The authors routinely describe affairs as acts of "betrayal," without providing room for context. I'm not an expert like the Gottmans, but the word betrayal seems to imply some kind of malicious intent that I think is rarely present in an affair. Also, of note, their approach toward the revealing and processing of affairs is my greatest point of divergence from the principles. It felt like the presence of an affair must be met with head-on confrontation by the Gottman model, no matter the duration or severity of the affair, no matter any precipitating, problematic behaviors displayed by the other partner. I found this view particularly black/white, though, in my experience, extramarital affairs rarely are.

I also felt as though the authors went out of their way to describe cases that can't be considered anything other than outliers at the expense of distracting from their message. A Gestapo grandfather? A husband who participated in 57 affairs? Maybe I'm just naive, but I think I'd more likely be struck by lightning than treat couples similar to these in my practice. I got the feeling that these outlier cases were included nonchalantly for some kind of "shock" factor or for entertainment, but I felt that they distracted from the principles themselves and risked turning these unfortunate situations into exhibitions.

Like I said, I don't doubt that their method is effective, but I do take significant issue with their presentation here.

[Sara Bovo · Rating 3 out of 5]

La copertina dell'edizione italiana è veramente trash con quel 10 in oro, qualcuno glielo doveva dire e per favore qualcuno faccia qualcosa (di meglio).

Interessante.
Però.
Mi chiedo quanto i principi siano applicabili senza diagnosi di personalità individuale. Della serie, ora come ora non credo nell'obiettivo auspicabile di offrire terapia a una coppia per salvare la relazione tra una dipendente ed un narcisista.
Nella lettura del manuale non potevo fare a meno di pensare che la visione di Gottman e Gottman debba essere stata influenzata dal loro attaccamento sicuro e dalla loro pluridecennale relazione sicura da boomer.

Facile avere speranza quando sei un boomer e non un millennial.

Il capitolo finale d'altra parte spiega perché è importante come terapeuti mantenere la speranza e rappresentare la speranza per i pazienti. Valido, ma forse personalmente a livello etico mi rifiuterei di rappresentare la speranza per una coppia dove lui è un traditore seriale (caso clinico reale nel manuale).

Punti di vista e forse, conseguentemente, potenzialità di trattamento secondo chi si è.

Personalmente sono anche abbastanza critica nella divisione tra violenza domestica caratteriologica e impulsiva. Ovvero, io non lavorerei a favore del mantenimento di un legame di coppia anche se la violenza domestica non è caratteriologica. Trovo la visione degli autori a tale proposito sinceramente allarmante.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to the audiobook for this one. How refreshing to get a clear, scientifically-backed, and instructive therapy manual for once! I'd be more than happy to hang a poster of the ten principles in my own private office one day.

I really can't remember why I got an impression of the Gottmans being too corny for me, at some point. I'm pretty sure it must have been that I saw an interview with them at some point where they both came off as sappy and media trained. But I've completely flipped around that opinion, their devotion to research and utilizing the scientific results (rather than some nebulous, self-concocted part-fiction, part-philosophy methodology, like some people) has won me over. I also always appreciate so much when therapists describe client cases of theirs where they (the therapist) can point out where they made a mistake. What not to do is just as instructive. I plan on consuming all of their books now, and hopefully some of them could be enlightening for my future clients, too.

[George Nash · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been working my way through many of the books written by the Gottman's.

I originally thought that this book was a guide for couples that were seeking couples therapy and how they could get the most out of that therapy. Of all the books I was actually least excited for this book I didn't think it would provide me with anything.

I was actually presently surprised that the book is actually directed toward Couples Therapists. It tries to help Therapists achieve the most when providing couples therapy.

The book contains a lot of the same information as other books I have complete recently but it portrays that information from a new view point that made it quite interesting to see how you may apply the techniques and principles.

The stories about all of the other couples and how they worked around there problems was really interesting to see. I actually enjoyed this book more that I expected.

[Becca S · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is very readable, but f you have done their trainings this book will largely be a review. Even the case studies were ones that were used in the training. That said, it has been a while since I initially did my Gottman training, and this book was a good refresher on key topics and things to remember when working with couples. I could see myself picking it up every few years to make sure I'm staying on track with key principles. If you are looking for a book to train you on how to work with couples, it falls short. However if you have been trained or are wanting to get your feet wet in the Gottman approach before investing in a full training, it's a good option.

[John · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read for class. I am not a CBT-focused type therapist but I found this book very indicatively helpful. I highly recommend to anyone doing Couples Therapy. I also think it is worth reading for any relationship because the empirical evidence is present, the easy-to-follow nourishing patterns are accessible, and ultimately it will make a healthier relationship. If you are a couple I think THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES for MAKING MARRIAGE WORK is probably the preferable go-to guide. The Gottman's are the most influential couple in couples therapy so reading their work is important.

[Kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though it’s for a more “popular” audience, this book is great for people who want to understand their own relationship dynamics, and gives new language to many of the ways it plays out. I found it validating and helpful, and the only downsides being some gendered statements and reliance on scientific credibility that are smoothed out by many good insights. One particular good framework was for processing past regrettable incidents or fights. (4 hr)

[Nikoleta Štrbáková · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is a good book. Mainly aimed at future coucelors, but also good for the general public. Lot of the information has been shared in the book 7 Principles of Making a Marriage Work.

One thing I did not like at all, was the amount of sexual abuse described. I understand that this kind of trauma has a significant impact on romantic relationships, however some of the principles could have been explained using other examples or issues.

[Jostalady · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ooops, I didn't realize when I started this that it is intended for therapists!

Sorry, not sorry though, because I feel like I have a much deeper understanding of the Gottman research and it comes with a pdf that includes the questions I have been scouring the internet for so that my husband and I can do them together.

[Adam Bloch · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not a therapist, but I am a minister and therefore do pastoral counseling with couples--a different animal, but there are lots of overlapping principles. With the (hopefully obvious) understanding that this is a non-religious book, there are a lot of great principles within for working with couples.

[Carrie Torres · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love this book and Gottman and Gottman. The writing is so well done and I love how they incorporate stories of their clients and studies with their suggested therapy; it was so easy to visualize and retain.

[Hayley · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I was looking for something that would help make me effective while attending couples therapy, this book had excellent insight. I feel much more prepared knowing what training couples therapists receive now.

[Isabelle Toader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow! I loved this book— such a practical and insightful guide for therapists working with couples. Such an incredible perspective shared from such influential psychologists! It helped shape more of my understanding for handling challenging situations in the realm of relationships.

[Audrey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great principles which are simple but challenging to bring into practice with couples. I learnt a lot that I can use with my clients, as well as felt reassured with strategies I already use. Especially loved the case studies, which went into detail on how to put each principle into good use. Will definitely read again and highlight and keep tabs next time.

[Dana Clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inspirational

[Aislinn Watson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good introduction for me into marriage therapy.

[Samar Haroon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful, but a thorough explanation including more examples with the interventions would have been beneficial.

[Asher · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book is very good
It is in context of psyche of US. Not much relevant to Indian context. however, still quite insightful