God Loves Sex: An Honest Conversation about Sexual Desire and Holiness

by Dan B. Allender, Tremper Longman III

We live in a sexually mad world where God's gift of sex has been distorted through pornography, promiscuity, prostitution, abuse, trafficking, and rape. The church's position on sexual matters has been made clear throughout history: all sexual activity outside the boundaries of Christian marriage is sin. But rarely has the church honestly addressed the true needs of Christians who are struggling with sexual desires they believe to be counter to the Bible. So we hide our struggles and pretend to live above the erotic fray, or else we cozy up to the culture's redefinition of which sins are acceptable. But what does the Bible really say about sexual desire and sexual intimacy?

God Loves Sex "offers a truly liberating, godly view of holy sensuality by recovering the clear meaning of the Song of Songs as God-sanctioned eroticism. Then it uses that lens to answer questions posed by a fictional new Christian struggling with expectations of sexual purity. It asks provocative questions, such as "What does it mean to be both holy and filled with rich sexual desire?" and "How can our sexual struggles take us deeper into the purposes of God?

Pairing psychological insight with sound biblical scholarship, Allender and Longman bring it all out into the open, allowing Christians of any age and any marital status to discover sex the way God meant it to be.

Genres: Sexuality, Christian, Marriage, Nonfiction, Faith, Counselling, Christianity

155 pages, Paperback

First published October 28, 2014

About the author

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.

Reviews

[Samuel Kassing · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy Allender and Longman books because of their honesty and candor. I don't agree with every exegetical move they make in this book but I think the overall thrust is a good one. They aren't crass when speaking about sex and yet they push us to embrace the mystery of sex. And most importantly the God who created us as sexual beings and loves sex.

Worth a read.

[Craig · Rating 1 out of 5]

I like the writing style and the message except I strongly disagree with his thoughts on masturbation and don't see how he can think that it is ok... That really shocked me as he doesn't mention it until most of the way through the book.

[Fr. Wirth · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is far from perfect. In fact, there are several issues that the author(s) are entirely wrong on. However, with that being said, this book is one of the best accounts on the Song of Songs that I have ever come across. Generally, the Book of Song of Songs, or the Song of Solomon is a difficult and rarely talked about biblical book. With so many difficulties surrounding sex and sexuality in today's culture/society, this book offers a lot of deep and powerful insights regarding an ever important subject matter.

[Mitchell Dixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

The subtitle of the book gives a very good description of this book. Honest. Allender does an amazing job of being real about our sexuality, brokenness, and desires while not being inappropriate. I would recommend this book to anyone looking to understand more about sex.

Like with most things, it requires maturity to talk about a lot of things. Sex is charged with a lot of baggage for a Jesus follower, and talking honestly about our past or brokenness can be very hard, if not shame inducing in certain communities. This book gives great language for those who want to talk about sex in a appropriate and adult manner.

4 stars because I wasn't a fan of how the book ended. I think it fizzled out near the end.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was not really what I thought it might be. Was an interesting look at sexuality from the perspective of a small group of people who all had come from differing backgrounds that shaped their distorted views of sex and sexuality. Was really quite interesting.

[George P. · Rating 5 out of 5]

 Dan B. Allender and Tremper Longman III, God Loves Sex: An Honest Conversation about Sexual Desire and Holiness (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2014). Paperback / Kindle

God Loves Sex is two books in one.

The first is a theologically and psychologically informed exposition of the Song of Songs. Eschewing centuries of allegorical interpretation, Allender and Longman argue that the Song is “a collection of related erotic love poems that emphasizes the goodness of sex.” They work their way through the Song topically rather than sequentially, highlighting what the Song says about desire, beauty, sexual play, the struggle for intimacy, and the glory of sex. The authors situate the Song’s celebration of sex within the broader biblical teaching regarding the sanctity of marriage. And in a concluding chapter, they note how the Song’s “poems help us understand God’s love of pleasure and play, his commitment to remain faithful to us even when we are adulterous, and finally that he loves to see human beings flourish and grow in fruitfulness and joy.” Thus, even as they eschew an allegorical interpretation of the Song, they find spiritual meaning within it.

The second book in God Loves Sex is the fictional story of Malcolm, a young single man and recent convert to Christianity who joins a small group that is studying the Song of Songs in a fashion similar to Allender and Longman’s exposition of it. Malcolm relates his story through journal entries that the authors place before and after each chapter of exposition. The spiritual journey he relates is one of deepening Christian commitment that goes hand in hand with his journey from sexual brokenness to wholeness. Some readers might be shocked by Malcolm’s references to extramarital sex and drug use, not to mention the use of alcohol by Christians in the small group. These things happen both before and after Malcolm becomes a Christian, though overall there is a clear trend line toward chastity and sobriety. As an ordained Pentecostal minister, I wouldn’t be surprised to find some churches deciding against to use God Loves Sex because of references to these practices, especially by churches that emphasize God’s instantaneous deliverance of people from sinful habits and teach total abstention from alcoholic beverages. On the other hand, some readers might see in Malcolm’s story a realistic portrayal of their own struggles and find, as Malcolm does, that Scripture—especially the Song of Songs—teaches a better, more truly life-giving way to think about and pursue sexual intimacy.

What I most appreciate about God Loves Sex is the authors’ attempt to open up “an honest conversation about sexual desire and holiness,” in the words of the book’s subtitle. Christians teach the sinfulness of sex outside of marriage. But too often, this “no” to sin leaves little room for a “yes” to sex inside of marriage—and not just the sexual act itself, but all the desires, emotions, conversations, and actions that surround the act, making it even more enjoyable, and contributing to the happiness and wellbeing of a husband and wife. There is more to sex than sex, in other words, precisely because that is the way God made men and women.

If so, then sexual desire and holiness cannot be separated in the life of believers. God Loves Sex—both the exposition and the fictional story—show what an integrated sexual holiness might look like. And how such holy sexuality always points beyond itself to the God who created us as sexual beings.

P.S. If you found my review helpful, please vote “Yes” on my Amazon.com review page.

[Rusty · Rating 1 out of 5]

I struggle with Dan Allender's writing. First I would describe it as 'motion sickness in print ' one example should suffice.

"The two new pimples on the left side of my nose were like cherry tomatoes in an Italian salad "

Secondly, he attempts to instruct by means of alternating between chapters of commentary on scripture and a fictional story about a group studying the Song of Songs. This format was distracting. Neither thread contributed to the other, IMHO.

Lastly, the title, "God Loves Sex; An Honest Conversation About Sexual Desire and Holiness " I was excited to imagine that this book would elucidate the Song of Songs in such a way to help readers see how sex contributes to holiness.

It never got there. Instead the overarching plea is don't read the Song of Songs allegorally. (forget that the church has done this for a millennium) Instead read it as a curious fragmentary collection of ANE love poetry. Oh and by the way don't forget God created sex so He loves it.

I wasted too much time with this book. Allender has made it to my 'authors to avoid' list.

[Steve Watson · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book that looks at sex deeply and honestly, as a place of potential intimacy or power, or brokenness and frivolity. The chapters on the Bible's Song of Songs are excellent, and Dan Allender's wisdom and experience as a counselor shine through as well, with insights like this: "There are four common scripts or fantasies that guide most people's sexual arousal: scripts of intimacy, variety, power, or violation of taboo." True, and helpful.

The fictionalized dude going to imagined Bible discussions on the Song of Songs didn't connect with me at all, but I was happy to fly through those sections to get to the good parts.

[Paige Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is without a doubt my new favorite book about the Song of Songs and earned a place in my top 3 favorite books about sex in general. The authors explanation of how we should read the Song and who's perspective it was written from and to was something that I haven't read anywhere else but made SO much more sense than any other explanation I've read, and it helped answer a huge lingering question I've had about the common interpretations of the book. And the topics about sexual desire, beauty, play, intimacy, struggles, and glory which come out of that interpretation lead to some amazingly insightful and healing new perspectives on the topic. In a modern Christian culture that generally either demonizes or downplays our sexuality, this book is a grace-filled breath of fresh air that offers, healing and hope to every person, regardless of it you are married or single. It is not an easy read because sex is not an easy subject, but it is a book that has the potential to change your life if you are willing to dig deep and be vulnerable with yourself. I highly recommend it!

Favorite Quote: "God can bring us enjoyments and benefits of the mind and emotions - and marital sex is one way that God delivers His grace to us."

[Ryan Jankowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a commentary on the Song of Solomon with an interjected fictional study group going through that material. I quite like Allender's books - though this one was a bit unusual. It presents a mature engagement with sexual practice, the purpose of sex, and God's disposition toward such. Their (Allender/Longman) approach is that the Song is a series of love poems not intended to be taken as history (ie, a story about Solomon and one of his 700 wives), or an allegory about Christ and the church (though sex does reveal something about our nature and the God that created us), but rather a celebration of the gift received through marriage. The Song is metaphorically graphic without shame and was intended to be that way.

There are plenty of issues that will come across controversial (the negative comments evidence that), but I think overall exemplifies the compulsion people have to try to clean up God's word and to make it more tolerable. This attitude also manifests itself in the rarity in which this book is preached.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Phenomenal breakdown of the Song of Solomon.

Its great to see a commentary embrace the book as a love poem and not an allegory. And do so not as a whole, but looking at its overall themes. It's poetry so this makes sense. Really goes into many aspects of sexuality of the poems and gets to some tough places in what is a generally short book. It looks at abuse, our "illicit" sexual desires, dares us to find out what they mean, and invites us to play. I'm a big fan of Jay Stringers Unwanted and you can see the seeds of this book sown by Allender brought to even deeper fruit by Stringer (can't recommend that book enough).

I'm not sure how well the conceit works of the fictional Bible study. But I liked it's inclusion to get more of the rubber-meets-the-road aspect of what Allender and Longman III are breaking down through the exposition.

Half a star knocked off for a very thin justification for masturbation in the final chapter.

[Danny Trussell]

Exceptional Book on The Song of Songs

I rejoiced when I began to read this book. Alas, someone who believed me was good and that God loves sex! So much of Christianity puts an unholy throttle on sexuality. Porn seems to cloud the minds. That's not to say everyone is involved in porn. But good sex has been shunned as well by many well mm meaning Christians.

I believe the devil hates humans and God's gift of sex to us. Therefore he not only perverts it, he blinds the eyes of Christians to keep them from enjoying it fully as a wonderful though sometimes difficult gift of God. Satan wants us to pervert sex or not for it at all. But God loves sex!

Read the book!

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I grew up in Christian home but was never really told anything about sex which lead to my getting my education elsewhere. This book was helpful in developing a biblical theology of sex. The book is short and, rather than present a thorough in-depth theology of sex and relationships throughout Scripture, it focuses the discussion around the Song of Songs and what the poetry says and why it's included in Scripture. I personally found it liberating and redemptive.

[Ike Unger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I struggled in the first two chapters of this book, trying to wrap my head around where the author was taking me. I had an even more difficult time understanding the narrative story included, but now that I've finished reading the whole book, what a beautiful approach to talking about sexuality. God loves sex and Satan hates it. I think many people have those reversed and this book outlines why God loves sex in a very honest way.

[Tori · Rating 5 out of 5]

A combination of insightful commentary on Song of Songs, compelling fictional diary meditating on sex, and encouraging guide to a biblical perspective on the topic. I was surprised by how much I liked it. It didn't go longer than it needed to and didn't try to force any modern issues into the text. Just explored God's Word. Convicting. Would recommend to all humans if I could.

[Benjamin Varner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really, really interesting. A read that provoked my thinking and curiosity. I highly recommend this book for anyone wanting to understand the book of Song of Solomon or a deeper understanding of God's view of sex.

[Kevin Bennett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful and well written, interweaving commentary from the Song of Songs and the many ways sexuality has been misunderstood and repressed within Christianity, it offers an honest and open conversation about the tremendous glory and joy of sexuality.

[Kyleigh Derks · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like his interpretation of Song of Solomon and I agree with the overall message of the book. I don’t agree with him when he encourages masturbation even when it is not associated with porn. Some of his points sounded freudian too.

[Benjamin Shurance · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. It's largely a study of Song of Songs, with fictional interludes about a new Christian going to the Bible study.

There's a bit of weirdness when the fictional diary entries go cheesy or didactic, but there's also a lot of surprisingly beautiful prose.

[Max · Rating 3 out of 5]

Should have just left out the narrative portions. Those were not helpful. The section on masturbation was, as others have alluded, unsubstantiated and anecdotal, even if there’s a discussion to be had there.

[Kelsey Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of great nuggets in here but the format was a little confusing at times and the writing made it hard to follow exactly what the author was trying to say.....was not very cohesive. Which is a bummer because there was a lot of truth that needs to be heard!

[Anne Snyder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read! I recommend it for anyone who has ever wondered about sexual feelings.

[Kevin · Rating 2 out of 5]

An explanation of some of the passages in Song of Solomon mixed with fictional perspectives of a small group Bible study. The fictional portions make up half the book.

[Lonnie Collier · Rating 5 out of 5]

Frank discussion of sexuality and God.

[Cennikon Pakpahan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoy to read this book. Allender wrap it in a beautiful story teller. So many question in my mind about sex in bible. Through this book, I understand a authentic message of sex.

[Ben Bechtel · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5/5

[Kimberly Gordon · Rating 3 out of 5]

So, I read a fair amount, and almost every time I opened this book on the Song of Solomon, I felt challenged by the language the authors were using in it. Even though they broke up their treatises on the poetry with fictional stories, it was still not an easy read.
I actually didn't like that they used fictional characters in a Bible study group and their stories as examples while moving through the Song. It broke the book up in a weird way, and didn't serve a helpful purpose to me. It just felt too scattered because of that, and made it even harder to remember what I had been reading about the Song.
A lot of what they said regarding the actual Song I already had heard and agree with, that it's a collection of poetry, that it's not supposed to be an allegory, that it's not directly about God and His church but about God valuing a healthy, passionate sexual relationship between and husband and wife.
Culturally, it was eye-opening to see the woman in the relationship take the initiative so much. Growing up in a Christian community where the girl is just supposed to wait on a man to come find her translates into we're just supposed to be the wait-ers all the time in the relationship, and that's definitely not how this woman was. That was refreshing. As was realizing that even though the man and woman had a healthy sexual relationship, it wasn't perfect because of sin, but God can redeem past hurt, past sin, present struggling and still make it beautiful because of who He is and because of our relationship with Him.
For some reason though, the book as a whole left this bad taste for me, and I'm still trying to figure out if it's because it brought out things I personally need to work through and grow in, or if it's because I feel like some things they said weren't Scriptural... I guess you can decide for yourself if you read it.

[Maynard · Rating 1 out of 5]

I find the material toward the end to be antithetical to what Scripture teaches. and Malcolm’s story came across as a bit strange. all in all, not a total waste of time.

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

Is it evidence of my image-bearing that I like the things God likes? Kidding aside, sex and sexuality is God's idea, a gift from God meant to be enjoyed (within the bounds of marriage and monogamy). It enables us to express our love, and relationality. Yet I don't typically like Christian books on sex. Too many of them focus on mechanics--how to do it and how often. Some offer troubling advice on how to achieve sexual fulfillment (often for just the male partner) without giving enough space to explore mutuality in relationships or holiness. Other books fail to account for the various ways we are all sexually broken. Rare is a book dealing with sex that combines psychologically insight with theological depth in a sensitive and engaging way.

God Loves Sex is one such book. Co-authors Dan Allender and Tremper Longman have teamed up to explore God's purposes for sex and healthy sexuality. Allender teaches counseling at the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology [curiously the back of the book says he teaches at Mars Hill Graduate School but it was renamed the Seattle School three years ago]. Longman is professor of Biblical Studies at Westmont College. The two have collaborated on several books and a number of Bible Studies in the past. In God Loves Sex they explore the issues of sex, desire and holiness through the lens of the Song of Songs.

Longman and Allender approach the Song of Songs, not as an allegory about God's love but as a loose collection of poems exploring sexual love. They do not read an overarching narrative into the songs, though they explore the narrative elements in various poems and find an internal coherence in the collection. Their examination of the poems explores sexuality, desire, beauty, sexual play, intimacy, and the glory that sex was created for. These six themes are the substance of the book, each explored in their own chapter (intimacy gets two chapters). The remaining ten chapters tie these chapters together through a fictional story:

Malcom, a new Christian gets roped into attending a small group Bible study on sex by his boss and wife. He goes reluctantly, nervous because of his own sexual past and shame. He is also unsure that the Bible has much interesting to say about human sexuality. Along the way he confronts his own sexual woundedness, his dissatisfying sexual history, the past influence of pornography on him and abuse he suffered. However, he discovers in this small group a safe place to explore these issues with others, all of whom are dealing with their own areas of brokenness. Also in the group are a husband and wife who married to each other after the husband had cheated with her on his previous spouse, a recent divorcee who escaped an abusive situation, a single woman who is a virgin but has her own struggles with sexuality as she tries to navigate the 'Christian dating scene.'

This fictional small group allows Allender and Longman to explore the many sides of sexual brokenness, which highlights relevant material as they explore the Song of Songs. It also makes for a riveting presentation and create space for us as readers to probe our own marred sexuality and God's plan for it.

The commentary is incisive, demonstrating Longman's literary sensitivity to the biblical text and Allender's psychological insights. Readers of this book will see evidence in the Song of Songs that God gave us sex (and sexuality) as a gift to be enjoyed; yet they will also will be drawn into introspection at the places we need a little 'sexual healing' (not in a Marvin Gaye way). I give this book five stars and recommend it for individuals, couples or small groups. ★★★★★

Notice of material connection: I received this book from the publisher in exchange for my honest review.