I Do (I Think): Conversations About Modern Marriage

by Allison Raskin

From Just Between Us cohost and bestselling author Allison Raskin comes a witty, incisive take on modern marriage and how a new generation can navigate its uncertainties and questions.

Marriage rates may be on the decline, but that doesn’t mean marriage is disappearing from society. In fact, as modern relationship norms and structures continue to evolve, the public discourse about marriage has never been louder—or more conflicted. Divorce rates, the appeal of cohabitation, seemingly infinite options for future partners, the patriarchal roots of marriage and gender roles, and economic uncertainty are just a few factors that leave a new generation of single and dating adults wondering. What does marriage even look like now? Why do people still do it? And, most importantly, is it “for me”?

With conversational wit and compassion, bestselling author Allison Raskin draws on new research, interviews with licensed experts, and the stories of real-life couples to break down the many pieces of today’s “marriage conversation”—and to make the leap of faith a little less scary for Gen Z and millennial adults like herself. What emerges is a thoughtful investigation into our cultural assumptions about commitment, compatibility, divorce, meaningful partnership, the future of marriage—and what it really means to join your bank accounts.

Genres: Nonfiction, Audiobook, Self Help, Marriage, Relationships, Personal Development, Romance

250 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 15, 2024

About the author

Allison Raskin is a New York Times bestselling author, relationship coach and a leading voice in mental health advocacy, in addition to being an accomplished screenwriter and content creator. She co-hosts the popular podcast Just Between Us and created the Emotional Support Lady Instagram and Substack. She also holds a master’s degree in psychology from Pepperdine University and a BFA in screenwriting from USC.

Reviews

[Denise · Rating 5 out of 5]

Special thank you to NetGalley, Allison Raskin and Harlequin Trade Publishing for an ARC of this well-written book. The author did an incredible job of examining marriage as a social construct over the years and in today’s society. I truly feel that the author was unbiased and used a holistic lens of examining various relationships in terms of class, age, gender/sexuality, ethnicity/race, etc. This is an excellent book for anyone who is considering or curious about marriage or commitment. Highly recommend.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read a ton of relationship books at this point, so there’s a lot of great stuff in here that wasn’t particularly earth-shattering to me…but I still really enjoyed it! I think the strength of the book is that Allison Raskin is just a regular person trying to navigate the same things as the rest of us. A lot of the time, relationship book authors are detached/clinical, operating as experts but not people. Here, all of the topics seem to be questions Raskin asked about her own relationships, which really helps build a bond of empathy between author and reader. (She maintains a strong sense of credibility by interviewing tons of experts throughout the book. It’s well-balanced!)

Some highlights for me included learning about prenups and couples therapy from the perspective of a layperson. “At what point is this overkill? At what point does it make sense?”—I thought this framing was unique and helpful! I also really appreciated Raskin’s personal candor about her journey from a broken engagement to her current marriage and various unhelpful internal dialogues she’s faced along the way. Her perspectives and experiences really resonated with me and made me feel less alone.

[CatReader · Rating 3 out of 5]

In I Do (I Think), writer Allison Raskin presents a series of essays about marriage today, largely aimed at millennials and gen Zers who are considering marriage. Various chapters deal with topics like navigating prenuptial and postnuptial agreements (I didn't realize the latter was a thing!), utilizing different forms of couples therapy (hint: it's not just for when you're on the brink of divorce), handling marital finances, sustaining intimacy, considering polyamory and other non-monogamous arrangements, and reframing divorce from worst case scenario to the natural end of many relationships. I appreciated Raskin's inclusivity in the book, taking special care to highlight marriages and committed relationships between people of all sexual and romantic orientations and gender identities. In addition to sharing insights from psychotherapists and counselors and vignettes from interview subjects, Raskin also shared her own relationship stories that have influenced her view of marriage -- briefly, marriage has always been one of Raskin's long-term goals, and after one failed engagement where her partner called things off abruptly, she is now happily married to a different partner.

I'm not the target audience for this book (I'm happily single), though I imagine this book would be helpful for those on the fence about marriage, preparing to (re)marry, or working through rough times in their marriage.

Further reading:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert by John Gottman
All the Single Ladies by Rebecca Traister
Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life by Bella DePaulo
You'll Do: A History of Marrying for Reasons Other Than Love by Marcia Zug
The Divorce Colony: How Women Revolutionized Marriage and Found Freedom on the American Frontier by April White
GI Brides: The Wartime Girls Who Crossed the Atlantic for Love by Duncan Barrett and Nuala Calvi
This American Ex-Wife: How I Ended My Marriage and Started My Life by Lyz Lenz
Data, A Love Story: How I Gamed Online Dating to Meet My Match by Amy Webb

My statistics:
Book 267 for 2024
Book 1870 cumulatively

[Mckayla Witt · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a romantic (Pisces Mercury and Venus) overloaded with logic (Aquarius moon), this was very helpful!!

And Allison Raskin is one of my few parasocial relationships. Thanks emotional support lady <3

[Dawn Cenowa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this, especially the question to ask yourself and a partner at the end of each chapter. In the nutshell my takes aways were addressing societal norms/cultural norms, expectations and communication styles with your partner early and often. Honestly, this could translate to friendships and familial relationships too.

[Lucie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm biased because I like most things Allison writes, and have followed her around the internet for a while. I'm not sure how you would fare if you didn't care for her personal anecdotes, but I thought they were well-balanced with the stories she shared from other people. I think I wish the experts she interviewed felt more "present".

[Asi · Rating 5 out of 5]

good book, I like it because I’m nosey and like to know about other people’s marriages

[Bobbi-Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all, anything Allison Raskin writes is worth the read or listen. I have learned that in the handful of years I have been consuming her work on various mainstream platforms and news outlets. This is the first tangible work of hers and I am completely blown away. She encapsulates being disabled in every way I as a disabled person would have asked her too when it comes to marriage. I hope there are endless books to come in any topic!

[Shelby Tkacik · Rating 3 out of 5]

i feel likeee i needed more from each story she told - like make the stories more of the main point rather than just her thoughts which are interesting but not as engaging

i really enjoyed the finance chapter tho i was literally just saying i dont understand people who dont join finances

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to a podcast episode with the author of this book and resonated with her ideologies on partnership and marriage so I gave this a go. It gave me exactly what I hoped it would.

This explored a range of relationship topics including gender roles, commitment, finances, intimacy, conflict, and even divorce.

Each chapter ended with a few questions to ponder on your own and a few to discuss with your partner, which led to some great conversations.

As someone who is highly emotional and needs to talk about all her feelings, this book was a great tool in doing just that (even if my partner gently cringed when I busted out the book at the dinner table lol).

[Bailey Wildman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Since entering my 30s I've been focusing on dating with intention, but I don't think I really knew what that meant. This book helps set a realistic mindset in today's world. Growing up I feel like my generation has been forced into this idea of a "perfect" relationship or marriage that our parent's generation established, but times have changed. Our timelines, financial burdens, social constructs, and just marriage as whole have changed drastically between generations.

This book gave me great ideas and questions to ask the guys I'm seeing to make sure that our core values are the same even if we are different in other ways. I ain't out here wasting my time.

[Amna · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t think I’m the target audience for this book but I liked the author’s podcast so wanted to read it. If you’re interested in learning about the institution of marriage/relationships, it’s a good book!

I listened to the audiobook (so it felt a lot like the podcast), the author is a great narrator!

[Lizzy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read for anyone in a relationship. Provides lots of great questions to use as a resource. Got a little much towards the end.

[Grace Kelsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Get pre marital counselling for sure ladz 🫂

[Cassie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I figured if I’m going to marry my fiancé in the next year or two I’d better start reading up! I listened to this as an audiobook on the Audible App, and while I enjoy her perspective and humor, I’m unnecessarily picky about voices and I can’t say that I really enjoyed Raskin’s voice (I’m a jerk, I know!). That said, she’s funny, inclusive, and has a great open-minded take on marriage. I enjoyed the sociology of marriage she gives, and actually wished there was a bit more of that. I liked the narrative format she provided with the anecdotes and found that to be a nice format that kept it from being too dry. Nothing presented here was earth-shattering but reaffirmed a lot that I already felt or had heard and maybe needed to hear again. I actually feel like this is probably less for someone already engaged/married and more so for someone thinking about taking a relationship to the next level. Ultimately, I wasn’t wowed, but did enjoy this. And I’m still planning to marry my fiancée so it doesn’t spoil marriage for ya!

[Taylor Ball · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you’re looking for data, this isn’t the book. Emphasis on “conversations”! Mostly the author just layers in her own biases and questions - which is interesting but just not what I was looking for. Also, a small but persistent annoyance? She ends seemingly every other paragraph with a throw away comment (like this!) It was funny the first time, but felt forced by the 20th.

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I Do (I Think)" examines marriage and how the concept has changed in recent decades and what that means for couples of today (if they're interested in considering marriage at all!).

I've honestly been a fan of Allison's work for a few years so I knew I'd enjoy her style of writing but she also does a fantastic job of acknowledging how privilege and wealth play a part in couple/marriage dynamics and made an effort in being diverse in the couples she interviewed.

Allison also provided some end of chapter questions for both couples and individuals and I found this to be a nice touch while digesting the book. I'm a late 20s open to the idea of marriage or being happily alone but I still found something to take away from each passage - even if it was getting to learn about someone else's experience.

[Whitney · Rating 5 out of 5]

A smart, well researched, genuinely funny introduction to marriage, answering questions you already had and ones you didn’t know you needed the answers to. It felt like a 101 class on marriage, exploring concepts like: weddings as an indication of class and how the function of marriage has changed over time, but also the importance of open communication, couples counseling, and how to stay safe during a divorce.

As a newlywed, this did a great job helping me reflect on how my ideas of marriage have changed since getting married and gave me insight into how our marriage might evolve over time.

I also highly recommend the audiobook, Allison’s delivery of the ending line of each chapter was a delight.

[Andrea Thatcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ll basically read anything Allison Raskin writes, and I’ve already thought of two ppl in my life contemplating marriage to gift the book to. I’d recommend this book to anyone contemplating marriage, or for someone like me who last asked some of these questions when attitudes about marriage (and access to marriage for many ppl) were very different, some of these questions weren’t even on the radar of mainstream society, and I was at a completely different phase of life. There’s a wide range of experiences represented - various religious or non-religious backgrounds, LGBTQ experiences, parents and non parents, first or second marriages, young and old.

[Jen Ghigiarelli · Rating 4 out of 5]

A helpful tool for reflection as a newly wed. Appreciated it’s intention to be inclusive of all types of marriages, and validation of the choice to not marry (though the focus of this book is indeed on the former). Liked the mix of statistics, expert voices, and stories from real people. Some of the ground covered felt like a no-brainer for queer couples who by default think outside of heteronormativity, but I did get value out of the chapters on couples therapy, divorce, the societally privileged aspects of marriage, and finances (friendly reminder to get a pre/postnup! You already have one by default! It’s just the state’s!)

[Patricia Riester · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book to read if you are thinking of getting married in the future or if you’re interested in the institution itself. Author Allison Raskin finds a great way to articulate the questions we should be asking ourselves and our partners before taking the plunge! Interwoven with juicy interviews and thoughtful historical evidence, it’s an insightful read.

[Rebecca Hager · Rating 5 out of 5]

Would recommend to anyone... This book asks important questions and looks at marriage in the current (American) context. I love how it doesn't put any pressure on the reader to buy into any particular stance but presents information then says think about this and apply it to you while constantly saying make this individual to you.

[Kelsey Sicard]

Highly recommend! Comprehensive and inclusive. I found it after working through most of my relationship anxiety, but would’ve been extra helpful earlier in my life. Still a good read for anyone who is, will be, or might consider being married.

[Maja Markiola · Rating 3 out of 5]

Random ämne lol men ganska intressant och lättlyssnad ljudbok!

[rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

good and interesting! i am nowhere close to being married but i still learned a lot that will probably be valuable down the road. and i love reading everything allison writes!

[Robin Haijes · Rating 5 out of 5]

got this book as an anniversary present from my girlfriend, a sign I should propose? (I’m kidding, she just knows I really like the author and she was right because I loved this book)

[Brittany Sodic · Rating 3 out of 5]

DNF at about 70%. Nothing really insightful or groundbreaking.

[Sina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know if I necessarily wanted to read a book about marriage and if I would have, had Allison Raskin not written one. I would probably read a book about knitting if Allison wrote one. But if you're looking for a book about all the complicated aspects of marriage in modern Western society, this is it! It's got it all: the money, the sex, the divorce rate myth and it's a great mix of personal, practical and just plain informative.

[Mila Menna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great points of thought, prenups, therapy, history, how to percieve marriage in a healthy way, and finding someone who puts energy into relationships. Allison has a clear down to earth voice and I like that she shares her personal experiences, she's obviously done a lot of personal reflection and healing.

[Elizabeth Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of really great takeaways from this book. I love reading books by fellow anxious girlies