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Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family
A book on the growing number of interfaith families raising children in two religions
Susan Katz Miller grew up with a Jewish father and Christian mother, and was raised Jewish. Now in an interfaith marriage herself, she is one of the growing number of Americans who are boldly electing to raise children with both faiths, rather than in one religion or the other (or without religion). In Being Both , Miller draws on original surveys and interviews with parents, students, teachers, and clergy, as well as on her own journey, to chronicle this controversial grassroots movement.
Almost a third of all married Americans have a spouse from another religion, and there are now more children in Christian-Jewish interfaith families than in families with two Jewish parents. Across the country, many of these families are challenging the traditional idea that they must choose one religion. In some cities, more interfaith couples are raising children with “both” than Jewish-only. What does this mean for these families, for these children, and for religious institutions?
Miller argues that there are distinct benefits for families who reject the false choice of “either/or” and instead embrace the synergy of being both. Reporting on hundreds of parents and children who celebrate two religions, she documents why couples make this choice, and how children appreciate dual-faith education. But often families who choose both have trouble finding supportive clergy and community. To that end, Miller includes advice and resources for interfaith families planning baby-welcoming and coming-of-age ceremonies, and seeking to find or form interfaith education programs. She also addresses the difficulties that interfaith families can encounter, wrestling with spiritual questions (“Will our children believe in God?”) and challenges (“How do we talk about Jesus?”). And finally, looking beyond Judaism and Christianity, Being Both provides the first glimpse of the next interfaith wave: intermarried Muslim, Hindu and Buddhist couples raising children in two religions.
Being Both is at once a rousing declaration of the benefits of celebrating two religions, and a blueprint for interfaith families who are seeking guidance and community support.
Susan Katz Miller grew up with a Jewish father and Christian mother, and was raised Jewish. Now in an interfaith marriage herself, she is one of the growing number of Americans who are boldly electing to raise children with both faiths, rather than in one religion or the other (or without religion). In Being Both , Miller draws on original surveys and interviews with parents, students, teachers, and clergy, as well as on her own journey, to chronicle this controversial grassroots movement.
Almost a third of all married Americans have a spouse from another religion, and there are now more children in Christian-Jewish interfaith families than in families with two Jewish parents. Across the country, many of these families are challenging the traditional idea that they must choose one religion. In some cities, more interfaith couples are raising children with “both” than Jewish-only. What does this mean for these families, for these children, and for religious institutions?
Miller argues that there are distinct benefits for families who reject the false choice of “either/or” and instead embrace the synergy of being both. Reporting on hundreds of parents and children who celebrate two religions, she documents why couples make this choice, and how children appreciate dual-faith education. But often families who choose both have trouble finding supportive clergy and community. To that end, Miller includes advice and resources for interfaith families planning baby-welcoming and coming-of-age ceremonies, and seeking to find or form interfaith education programs. She also addresses the difficulties that interfaith families can encounter, wrestling with spiritual questions (“Will our children believe in God?”) and challenges (“How do we talk about Jesus?”). And finally, looking beyond Judaism and Christianity, Being Both provides the first glimpse of the next interfaith wave: intermarried Muslim, Hindu and Buddhist couples raising children in two religions.
Being Both is at once a rousing declaration of the benefits of celebrating two religions, and a blueprint for interfaith families who are seeking guidance and community support.
264 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2013
33 people are currently reading
607 people want to read
About the author
Susan Katz Miller
8 books5 followersSusan Katz Miller is a former Newsweek reporter, and an interfaith speaker, consultant, coach, and activist. She has written for The New York Times, The Christian Science Monitor, Conde Nast Traveler, Discover, New Scientist, International Wildlife, and many other publications. In years of living overseas, she reported from Brazil, Senegal, Sierra Leone, Benin, Togo, and the Gambia. Miller is also the founder of the Network of Interfaith Family Groups on facebook. She has published over 300 essays on interfaith families at http://onbeingboth.com/,. Visit her author website at http://www.susankatzmiller.com/.
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November 4, 2013
I received a free copy of this book from Beacon Press through the Goodreads "First Reads" giveaway program.
Many people were raised by parents of different faiths, or have married someone of a different faith and are raising their own children with multiple traditions, yet the topic of interfaith identity isn’t a large part of public discourse. Susan Katz Miller performs a good service in highlighting it, clearly framing the issue in what will be a new manner to many readers. She isn’t discussing the pros and cons of interfaith marriages, nor how to negotiate conflicts in these marriages. Still less is her book concerned with debate-style "interfaith dialogue" that uses a “whole big model” -- here Miller is quoting Rev. Heather Kirk-Davidoff’s critique -- in which “you find your place to stand, you stand firmly in your location, claiming it, and then out of that location, you enter into dialogue.”
Instead, Miller writes about people who grow up in families that convey more than one tradition and who embrace both traditions as part of their identity. She dislikes preceding terms of religious identity with “half-“, such as “half-Jew,” because “I resist the implication that I am somehow fractured, and the use of fractions makes me feel diminished. But I also resent being defined only in terms of my Jewishness, leaving my Christian half as somehow unmentionable.” She would rather say that she is both Jewish and Christian, and she wants others to feel empowered to say so, too, if indeed that’s their identity.
Miller especially focuses on those who deliberately foster interfaith identities in their children. “I like to use the metaphor that we are giving our children two roots, not leaving them rootless,” she writes. While “religious literacy” can be taught through secular educational programs, she is more interested in asking and recognizing what happens when parents share a belief in God and want to help their child feel comfortable sincerely practicing more than one religion in attempts to express their understanding of that God. Her personal experience comes from her participation as a parent in an interfaith religious education program for children, and this is a major focus of the book. Her observations are bolstered by a number of interviews with others who share similar experiences.
If there are limitations here, it is simply that the scope could have been greatly increased, and readers may come away with many more questions. Miller focuses on Jewish-Christian interfaith identity throughout the book, and she mentions other religions only briefly in the last chapter. Secular identities are touched upon throughout, including the interaction of secular and religious parenting, but that would have been a separate topic, too.
An important omission regards the plain fact that theological propositions can contradict each other. It’s one thing to enjoy your bagel and your Christmas stocking, but what about the theological arguments over which people kill each other, where you just can’t have it both ways? It’s not always as easy as saying there’s different melodies for Adon Olam and then elaborating on that to enjoy songs from altogether different religions. There could be an issue regarding whether Jewish-and-Christian-identified people can feel comfortable eating ham on Christmas while praying for the Messiah to come for the first time. Some people are easy-going enough and sufficiently in touch with their own polyvalent roots to shrug that it “just works” for them -- perhaps, for example, by interpreting religion primarily as a social experience, where the important part is for people to be good to each other and honor each other’s paths -- but others will try to parse the philosophical meaning and aim for logical consistency. That’s driven by a difference in personality type and attitude. Some of the people who just don’t “get” interfaith identity are indeed judgmental and ignorant and need to have their eyes opened, and for them, Being Both will be instructive. On the other hand, some of that judgmentalism may spring from a reasonable impulse to distinguish once and for all whether Mary is the mother of God, a forbidden idol, or yet another instance of a worldview that is thoroughly mistaken simply because it is theistic. Miller acknowledges that people raised with interfaith heritage should have the freedom to choose their own path, whether that’s multiple religions, one, or none. That’s an important statement, and yet it doesn’t get at the heart of why some people might feel driven to “pick one” and why their method of making religious judgments might come across as negative or exclusionary to those who prefer to continue practicing multiple traditions. So, for example, she writes, “When [children] begin to understand how the two religions diverge theologically, we continue to emphasize that they may or may not ever choose one path or the other.” Yes, the permission is freeing, but it doesn’t adequately respond to the observation of theological divergence. If two roads diverge in a wood, how do you walk down both? One of her interviewees said, regarding interfaith coming-of-age ceremonies, “You get over the initial idea of conflicting ideologies, or what people consider to be conflicting ideologies, clashing. You get past that to the truth at the heart of everything…” This sounds like a mystical approach, exploding the boundaries of logic and searching for a wordless wisdom that is more valuable than book learning. But not everyone - whether secular, mono-faith, interfaith - is a mystic. Forget ideology, touch the heart of truth is instruction for meditation, but it doesn’t tell you whether to eat the ham. Maybe it means don’t worry so much about the ham. But it's hard to tell.
That headscratcher can, however, be provisionally left aside without too much difficulty, because the problem is not unique to interfaith people: It’s also faced by anyone who wants to reform the quality or intensity of the mainstream religious doctrine presented to them. For example, a Jew who wants to be “more religiously observant” or “more secular” also must weigh competing interpretations of Judaism when deciding whether to eat the ham, and it isn't clear how they make decisions, either. Adding Christianity to the mix is just a different sort of puzzle.
Overall, this book gives a voice to a segment of the population that often faces dismissive or misunderstanding comments about their complex backgrounds, identities, and practices. It validates positive “both-and” language rather than “either-or” language. The more people are encouraged to speak their own truths, the more likely they are to find a path that feels right to them, and the more likely they are to give their children a legacy of religious literacy.
Many people were raised by parents of different faiths, or have married someone of a different faith and are raising their own children with multiple traditions, yet the topic of interfaith identity isn’t a large part of public discourse. Susan Katz Miller performs a good service in highlighting it, clearly framing the issue in what will be a new manner to many readers. She isn’t discussing the pros and cons of interfaith marriages, nor how to negotiate conflicts in these marriages. Still less is her book concerned with debate-style "interfaith dialogue" that uses a “whole big model” -- here Miller is quoting Rev. Heather Kirk-Davidoff’s critique -- in which “you find your place to stand, you stand firmly in your location, claiming it, and then out of that location, you enter into dialogue.”
Instead, Miller writes about people who grow up in families that convey more than one tradition and who embrace both traditions as part of their identity. She dislikes preceding terms of religious identity with “half-“, such as “half-Jew,” because “I resist the implication that I am somehow fractured, and the use of fractions makes me feel diminished. But I also resent being defined only in terms of my Jewishness, leaving my Christian half as somehow unmentionable.” She would rather say that she is both Jewish and Christian, and she wants others to feel empowered to say so, too, if indeed that’s their identity.
Miller especially focuses on those who deliberately foster interfaith identities in their children. “I like to use the metaphor that we are giving our children two roots, not leaving them rootless,” she writes. While “religious literacy” can be taught through secular educational programs, she is more interested in asking and recognizing what happens when parents share a belief in God and want to help their child feel comfortable sincerely practicing more than one religion in attempts to express their understanding of that God. Her personal experience comes from her participation as a parent in an interfaith religious education program for children, and this is a major focus of the book. Her observations are bolstered by a number of interviews with others who share similar experiences.
If there are limitations here, it is simply that the scope could have been greatly increased, and readers may come away with many more questions. Miller focuses on Jewish-Christian interfaith identity throughout the book, and she mentions other religions only briefly in the last chapter. Secular identities are touched upon throughout, including the interaction of secular and religious parenting, but that would have been a separate topic, too.
An important omission regards the plain fact that theological propositions can contradict each other. It’s one thing to enjoy your bagel and your Christmas stocking, but what about the theological arguments over which people kill each other, where you just can’t have it both ways? It’s not always as easy as saying there’s different melodies for Adon Olam and then elaborating on that to enjoy songs from altogether different religions. There could be an issue regarding whether Jewish-and-Christian-identified people can feel comfortable eating ham on Christmas while praying for the Messiah to come for the first time. Some people are easy-going enough and sufficiently in touch with their own polyvalent roots to shrug that it “just works” for them -- perhaps, for example, by interpreting religion primarily as a social experience, where the important part is for people to be good to each other and honor each other’s paths -- but others will try to parse the philosophical meaning and aim for logical consistency. That’s driven by a difference in personality type and attitude. Some of the people who just don’t “get” interfaith identity are indeed judgmental and ignorant and need to have their eyes opened, and for them, Being Both will be instructive. On the other hand, some of that judgmentalism may spring from a reasonable impulse to distinguish once and for all whether Mary is the mother of God, a forbidden idol, or yet another instance of a worldview that is thoroughly mistaken simply because it is theistic. Miller acknowledges that people raised with interfaith heritage should have the freedom to choose their own path, whether that’s multiple religions, one, or none. That’s an important statement, and yet it doesn’t get at the heart of why some people might feel driven to “pick one” and why their method of making religious judgments might come across as negative or exclusionary to those who prefer to continue practicing multiple traditions. So, for example, she writes, “When [children] begin to understand how the two religions diverge theologically, we continue to emphasize that they may or may not ever choose one path or the other.” Yes, the permission is freeing, but it doesn’t adequately respond to the observation of theological divergence. If two roads diverge in a wood, how do you walk down both? One of her interviewees said, regarding interfaith coming-of-age ceremonies, “You get over the initial idea of conflicting ideologies, or what people consider to be conflicting ideologies, clashing. You get past that to the truth at the heart of everything…” This sounds like a mystical approach, exploding the boundaries of logic and searching for a wordless wisdom that is more valuable than book learning. But not everyone - whether secular, mono-faith, interfaith - is a mystic. Forget ideology, touch the heart of truth is instruction for meditation, but it doesn’t tell you whether to eat the ham. Maybe it means don’t worry so much about the ham. But it's hard to tell.
That headscratcher can, however, be provisionally left aside without too much difficulty, because the problem is not unique to interfaith people: It’s also faced by anyone who wants to reform the quality or intensity of the mainstream religious doctrine presented to them. For example, a Jew who wants to be “more religiously observant” or “more secular” also must weigh competing interpretations of Judaism when deciding whether to eat the ham, and it isn't clear how they make decisions, either. Adding Christianity to the mix is just a different sort of puzzle.
Overall, this book gives a voice to a segment of the population that often faces dismissive or misunderstanding comments about their complex backgrounds, identities, and practices. It validates positive “both-and” language rather than “either-or” language. The more people are encouraged to speak their own truths, the more likely they are to find a path that feels right to them, and the more likely they are to give their children a legacy of religious literacy.
September 10, 2013
(nb: I received an advance review copy of this book from the publisher via Edelweiss)
You finally meet “the one,” that person you love more than anyone else you’ve ever met. You finish each other’s sentences, love the same food, love to dance with one another, and can’t imagine ever being apart. It’s only logical that you get married, so you can share this harmony forever.
The problem is, you come from a strong Catholic background, and your beloved is Jewish. What kind of wedding do you have? More importantly, how will you raise your children?
That’s the issue in Susan Katz Miller’s book, “Being Both.”
Obviously, one answer is that one of you allows their faith to take a back seat—you consent to a Catholic wedding, for example, and agree to raise your kids Catholic. Maybe you explain to them about the Jewish High Holy Days and other celebrations, but the kids are still in St. Justin Martyr Catholic Church every Sunday.
I have two friends who did this the opposite way. Sarah was an observant Jew; Rick was a CEO Catholic (CEO=Christmas and Easter Only). He had no problem having a Jewish wedding, and allowing their kids to be raised Jewish.
What “Being Both” proposes—and illustrates clearly—is that there is a third option, called “Interfaith.” In this case, I capitalize “Interfaith” advisedly, because there are a number of interfaith groups that have sprung up around the U.S. as interfaith marriages have increased. Most of the groups—and most of the anecdotal groups and families in “Being Both”—are Jewish and Christian.
What the Interfaith groups do is study and celebrate both faiths in a low-pressure environment. Some of the children feel strongly about celebrating a bar mitzvah or Catholic confirmation. Others do neither. There is a liturgy, but no real dogma. The groups learn about both faiths, and they in essence celebrate God as they individually understand him.
To me, the best one-line description of Interfaith comes in a quote from a Catholic woman married to a Muslim: "[U]ltimately, we're all trying to get up the same mountain, on whichever path works best for that person." This woman is not giving up her Catholicism, but she’s learned to embrace the similarities between her faith and her husband’s, and to explore the differences with an open mind, while their children are raised with elements of both religions.
Ms. Katz Miller also explores what happens when the kids leave home. Some of them embrace one or the other faith—more Jewish than Christian, it seems. Some become Atheist or Buddhist, or remain Interfaith as best they can.
This book is an excellent resource for couples who find themselves in this situation. If there were a shortcoming in this book, it would be that it addresses the resolution within an Interfaith community. It doesn’t deal much with how to handle the issue if you’re in a small town with no Interfaith community. There is an appendix full of online resources, and I’m certain the suggestions in the rest of the book can be helpful. The best solution posited, though, is to involve interfaith families in an Interfaith community, such as the large groups in Chicago or Washington, DC.
This issue affects more and more American families today, as we marry outside our own religions. My best friend’s father was a Lutheran pastor; my friend married a staunch Irish-Catholic girl. He did not convert. Their problems have been minor—they got married in a Catholic church, but a priest couldn’t perform the ceremony (a Catholic Deacon did), and he can’t take Communion when he goes to church with his family. These were two Christians whose denominational differences required adaptation.
Intermarrying between Judaism and Christianity causes its own set of problems. Ms. Katz Miller’s book provides a good starting point to help sort out those problems.
Recommended (especially for interfaith couples)
You finally meet “the one,” that person you love more than anyone else you’ve ever met. You finish each other’s sentences, love the same food, love to dance with one another, and can’t imagine ever being apart. It’s only logical that you get married, so you can share this harmony forever.
The problem is, you come from a strong Catholic background, and your beloved is Jewish. What kind of wedding do you have? More importantly, how will you raise your children?
That’s the issue in Susan Katz Miller’s book, “Being Both.”
Obviously, one answer is that one of you allows their faith to take a back seat—you consent to a Catholic wedding, for example, and agree to raise your kids Catholic. Maybe you explain to them about the Jewish High Holy Days and other celebrations, but the kids are still in St. Justin Martyr Catholic Church every Sunday.
I have two friends who did this the opposite way. Sarah was an observant Jew; Rick was a CEO Catholic (CEO=Christmas and Easter Only). He had no problem having a Jewish wedding, and allowing their kids to be raised Jewish.
What “Being Both” proposes—and illustrates clearly—is that there is a third option, called “Interfaith.” In this case, I capitalize “Interfaith” advisedly, because there are a number of interfaith groups that have sprung up around the U.S. as interfaith marriages have increased. Most of the groups—and most of the anecdotal groups and families in “Being Both”—are Jewish and Christian.
What the Interfaith groups do is study and celebrate both faiths in a low-pressure environment. Some of the children feel strongly about celebrating a bar mitzvah or Catholic confirmation. Others do neither. There is a liturgy, but no real dogma. The groups learn about both faiths, and they in essence celebrate God as they individually understand him.
To me, the best one-line description of Interfaith comes in a quote from a Catholic woman married to a Muslim: "[U]ltimately, we're all trying to get up the same mountain, on whichever path works best for that person." This woman is not giving up her Catholicism, but she’s learned to embrace the similarities between her faith and her husband’s, and to explore the differences with an open mind, while their children are raised with elements of both religions.
Ms. Katz Miller also explores what happens when the kids leave home. Some of them embrace one or the other faith—more Jewish than Christian, it seems. Some become Atheist or Buddhist, or remain Interfaith as best they can.
This book is an excellent resource for couples who find themselves in this situation. If there were a shortcoming in this book, it would be that it addresses the resolution within an Interfaith community. It doesn’t deal much with how to handle the issue if you’re in a small town with no Interfaith community. There is an appendix full of online resources, and I’m certain the suggestions in the rest of the book can be helpful. The best solution posited, though, is to involve interfaith families in an Interfaith community, such as the large groups in Chicago or Washington, DC.
This issue affects more and more American families today, as we marry outside our own religions. My best friend’s father was a Lutheran pastor; my friend married a staunch Irish-Catholic girl. He did not convert. Their problems have been minor—they got married in a Catholic church, but a priest couldn’t perform the ceremony (a Catholic Deacon did), and he can’t take Communion when he goes to church with his family. These were two Christians whose denominational differences required adaptation.
Intermarrying between Judaism and Christianity causes its own set of problems. Ms. Katz Miller’s book provides a good starting point to help sort out those problems.
Recommended (especially for interfaith couples)
June 29, 2016
The idea one could be "both/and" in terms of serious religious affiliation intrigues me! I'm aware of (for example) of Christians with Buddhist leanings, of the fact Christianity originally was far more Hebrew than it was Greek in worldview and sensibility. I've known several "mixed" Protestant-Roman Catholic marriages that have fared well, a couple that haven't, although Being Both is more about truly different religious affiliations in a marriage or in a family, and these days most folks realize most Protestants and most Catholics are of the same or similar Christian persuasion.
The real-life stories, anecdotes, and narratives make this an especially interesting book to read, and would strongly enhance its usefulness for anyone considering marrying someone of a different faith/religious tradition. It would inform a parent who's considering allowing or encouraging their children to participate in classmate religious worship or holiday activities. Some of that other tradition might rub off on your kid in a very good way, might increase their openness and understanding of other people and other cultures in general!
I need to comment "Episcopalian" is the noun; "Episcopal" is the adjective. I know there's a sometime convention of using a noun as an adjective - for example "All-America City" - but "My friend is an Episcopalian" or "I had lunch with an Episcopal friend" remain the correct way to use these words.
Almost a year after publication, Amazon Vine sent me a bound galley, advance reader copy of Being Both, so it may be missing some features I didn't see and therefore can't comment on.
Final note: consider this book for the library at your house of worship!
The real-life stories, anecdotes, and narratives make this an especially interesting book to read, and would strongly enhance its usefulness for anyone considering marrying someone of a different faith/religious tradition. It would inform a parent who's considering allowing or encouraging their children to participate in classmate religious worship or holiday activities. Some of that other tradition might rub off on your kid in a very good way, might increase their openness and understanding of other people and other cultures in general!
I need to comment "Episcopalian" is the noun; "Episcopal" is the adjective. I know there's a sometime convention of using a noun as an adjective - for example "All-America City" - but "My friend is an Episcopalian" or "I had lunch with an Episcopal friend" remain the correct way to use these words.
Almost a year after publication, Amazon Vine sent me a bound galley, advance reader copy of Being Both, so it may be missing some features I didn't see and therefore can't comment on.
Final note: consider this book for the library at your house of worship!
November 12, 2018
I highly recommend this book for all partners seeking to bridge multiple religious, spiritual, or moral frameworks within one family. This work is particularly pertinent for families with children who are discerning and weighing the questions and benefits of both/and. Being Both includes an extensive list of resources as well as an index, making it an essential guidebook.
Being Both explores the grassroots movement of interfaith communities and assesses the myths and benefits of raising children in two religions. From testimonials of parents to children and clergy who "attest to the inspiring nature of working with interfaith families," Katz Miller has done her due diligence in exploring the interfaith family movement from all angles.
After a thoughtful reading, I think most will agree that exploring the "being both" option far outweighs the historical anxieties that families of previous generations faced in making the hard-and-fast decision of choosing one religion over another.
Being Both explores the grassroots movement of interfaith communities and assesses the myths and benefits of raising children in two religions. From testimonials of parents to children and clergy who "attest to the inspiring nature of working with interfaith families," Katz Miller has done her due diligence in exploring the interfaith family movement from all angles.
After a thoughtful reading, I think most will agree that exploring the "being both" option far outweighs the historical anxieties that families of previous generations faced in making the hard-and-fast decision of choosing one religion over another.
July 9, 2017
This book challenges me to think further outside the box. I was one of those rabbis who was always told families should pick one religion or it will confuse the children. This book argues cogently maybe not.
I serve an independent congregation with a high percentage of interfaith families depending on how you define interfaith. Some married a non-Jew where some converted. Some did not convert. Some have grandchildren in an interfaith family. Some have grandparents in an interfaith family. We aim to create a safe, non-judgmental space where all are welcome and we think deeply about all of these issues. We now have family memberships so that both partners are voting members and can serve on the board. We have an interfaith section of our cemetery. We have children enrolled in our Hebrew School where only one parent is Jewish. We are proud partners with InterfaithFamily.com/Chicago. In fact, that is where this book was introduced to me.
There is a beauty in what Susan Katz Miller has created and reported on. I am not sure my congregation will be willing to go the whole way with her--but the discussions will be important. It is clear she is pushing the envelope, even beyond what Reform Judaism did with its ruling on patrilineal descent. It is ironic that I read this book during a time period that included more debate about conversion in Israel and who is a Jew, more announcements from congregations like Bnai Jeshurun in New York that decided its clergy will perform interfaith weddings.
What this book does not do, nor does InterfaithFamily is to deal with the real trailblazers. Since beginning this book, I buried the Jewish partner of an interfaith family that had been married for 56 years. I blessed an interfaith couple on their 50th anniversary. When they got married they could not do so in either a church or synagogue.
I serve an independent congregation with a high percentage of interfaith families depending on how you define interfaith. Some married a non-Jew where some converted. Some did not convert. Some have grandchildren in an interfaith family. Some have grandparents in an interfaith family. We aim to create a safe, non-judgmental space where all are welcome and we think deeply about all of these issues. We now have family memberships so that both partners are voting members and can serve on the board. We have an interfaith section of our cemetery. We have children enrolled in our Hebrew School where only one parent is Jewish. We are proud partners with InterfaithFamily.com/Chicago. In fact, that is where this book was introduced to me.
There is a beauty in what Susan Katz Miller has created and reported on. I am not sure my congregation will be willing to go the whole way with her--but the discussions will be important. It is clear she is pushing the envelope, even beyond what Reform Judaism did with its ruling on patrilineal descent. It is ironic that I read this book during a time period that included more debate about conversion in Israel and who is a Jew, more announcements from congregations like Bnai Jeshurun in New York that decided its clergy will perform interfaith weddings.
What this book does not do, nor does InterfaithFamily is to deal with the real trailblazers. Since beginning this book, I buried the Jewish partner of an interfaith family that had been married for 56 years. I blessed an interfaith couple on their 50th anniversary. When they got married they could not do so in either a church or synagogue.
August 8, 2024
An interesting perspective on interfaith families. It really broadened my perspective and made me appreciate the intentionality that these families bring to religious education that families with one religion often take for granted.
April 22, 2021
3 stars not because it was excellently written—it was—but because it didn’t do much to speak to my specific situation, and that was somewhat frustrating. not her fault, though.
February 6, 2023
Really loved this book, and the greater perspectives it offers.
March 13, 2017
Non-fiction book about raising children and creating interfaith families
May 22, 2015
A great primer for interfaith couples making their way through building a holistic and authentic life together and all the decisions that come with it. I've researched a lot of literature on the subject, and unfortunately most are biased towards convincing you to re-think marriage to a partner of a different religion, or at least choose raising your child in one religion over the other.
This book is refreshing because it affirms that yes you can figure this out and be true to both of yourselves in one relationship & family, and it offers anecdotes and stories of couples that have made various decisions. It also highlights stories of couples and their decisions pertaining to various traditions within the Christian/Catholic & Jewish faiths that you may have to deal with (wedding clergy & ceremony; circumcision, baptism & baby naming; bar mitzvah/confirmation, etc) as a couple. Sadly the various rites within other religions are not covered, but there is a chapter dedicated to interfaith couples within different religions.
This book is also very unique because the author has helped to form an interfaith community and children's religious ed program in the DC area. I myself am not interested in a blended education or community, but just looking at the communities and programs that she and others have built around the country is inspiring for us to think about how we will bring ourselves & interfaith family to our inclusive but solidly within one tradition institutions/communities.
It seems absurd that this subject is still touchy and a tough one in 21st century America, but it is; and instead of detaching from our faiths & faith communities, and bumbling through this journey without articulating our experiences and affirming our choices, I hope we will instead choose to tell our stories, form community, and in turn challenge and re-shape our faith institutions and cultures. Highly recommended!
This book is refreshing because it affirms that yes you can figure this out and be true to both of yourselves in one relationship & family, and it offers anecdotes and stories of couples that have made various decisions. It also highlights stories of couples and their decisions pertaining to various traditions within the Christian/Catholic & Jewish faiths that you may have to deal with (wedding clergy & ceremony; circumcision, baptism & baby naming; bar mitzvah/confirmation, etc) as a couple. Sadly the various rites within other religions are not covered, but there is a chapter dedicated to interfaith couples within different religions.
This book is also very unique because the author has helped to form an interfaith community and children's religious ed program in the DC area. I myself am not interested in a blended education or community, but just looking at the communities and programs that she and others have built around the country is inspiring for us to think about how we will bring ourselves & interfaith family to our inclusive but solidly within one tradition institutions/communities.
It seems absurd that this subject is still touchy and a tough one in 21st century America, but it is; and instead of detaching from our faiths & faith communities, and bumbling through this journey without articulating our experiences and affirming our choices, I hope we will instead choose to tell our stories, form community, and in turn challenge and re-shape our faith institutions and cultures. Highly recommended!
September 8, 2014
The majority of the book consists of anecdotes about various Jewish and Christian blended families, and how their choice of religion works for them. The first chapter is very interesting as this is the story of the author's own family, and there is one other chapter that deals with interfaith families that are now Jewish and Christian. The main message of the book is that when two spouses come from different religious traditions, learning about both backgrounds actually helps children develop stronger faith. The author admits that this only works if both spouses come from a progressive religious background, that does not believe that a person goes to hell if they do not follow the "correct" religion, with utter devotion to every tenet and practice. I will admit that I did not get more than a third of the way through the book because I got tired of hearing about just Jews and Christians all the time. But in the parts that I read I did not encounter any stories about people who were not able to make interfaith religion work for their family, and hypotheses about why it didn't work out for them. Or when happens when one spouse is very religious and the other is casual about their religion, or agnostic. In short, I was expecting more of a do's and don't's for various scenarios and situations, rather than just the positive stories resulting from one particular religious mix.
November 2, 2013
Being Both is an insightful, thought provoking book showing how interfaith families, after decades of being told no you can't, are demonstrating that yes, they absolutely can raise children dual-faith and do so in a way that is not at all detrimental. Susan Katz Miller's primary research, including surveys and extensive interviews of couples, children, young adults, and clergy, as well as sharing her own personal interfaith experiences result in rich, moving story. As a spouse in an interfaith marriage raising dual-faith children, it was inspiring and comforting to read about others who are trying similar approaches and to know that obstacles can be overcome. I hope that interfaith couples and families as well as their extended families and clergy will read this beautifully written book to enrich their understanding of interfaith relationships and expand their perspectives on what is possible. (Disclosure: my husband and I are the founders of a Philadelphia-area interfaith group modeled after D.C.'s IFFP and Susan Katz Miller has been a strong advocate and supporter of our effort.)
July 2, 2015
Plot: B
Writing: A
Vocabulary: B
Level: Easy
Rating: PG
Worldview: It is possible to have a healthy interfaith relationship, and raise your children as interfaith as well. Just as a child comes from and is attached to both parents, a child can be influenced by and adhere to two (or more) religions at the same time.
Susan Katz Miller - herself a child, wife, and mother in interfaith relationships - tackles with sensitivity and facts the taboo subject of whether it's possible for people from different faiths to successfully marry and raise children in both faiths. Although the book is full of studies, interviews and surveys, Katz Miller writes with an engaging style. Anecdotes by interfaith children are sprinkled throughout the book to give a first-person perspective of this uncomfortable topic. Most of the interfaith couples are Jewish-Christian or Jewish-Catholic, but she also includes families who are Hindu-Jewish, Christian-Buddhist, and Muslim-Christian. I highly recommend this book!
This copy received for free thanks to Goodreads First Reads program, which in no way affected this review.
Writing: A
Vocabulary: B
Level: Easy
Rating: PG
Worldview: It is possible to have a healthy interfaith relationship, and raise your children as interfaith as well. Just as a child comes from and is attached to both parents, a child can be influenced by and adhere to two (or more) religions at the same time.
Susan Katz Miller - herself a child, wife, and mother in interfaith relationships - tackles with sensitivity and facts the taboo subject of whether it's possible for people from different faiths to successfully marry and raise children in both faiths. Although the book is full of studies, interviews and surveys, Katz Miller writes with an engaging style. Anecdotes by interfaith children are sprinkled throughout the book to give a first-person perspective of this uncomfortable topic. Most of the interfaith couples are Jewish-Christian or Jewish-Catholic, but she also includes families who are Hindu-Jewish, Christian-Buddhist, and Muslim-Christian. I highly recommend this book!
This copy received for free thanks to Goodreads First Reads program, which in no way affected this review.
July 2, 2017
This was a very fascinating to read and so glad I got it from a Goodreads giveaway. I always found the Christian/Jewish interfaith marriages, then family, very interesting as my introduction to it was through a cartoon. From then on I always found it interesting and wondered how difficult it was for a child as well as the parents involved.
Susan provided a great insight into this dynamic. Not only does it describe how the children are feeling, but what the benefits are for them to having both. It also explains and helps one understand the concerns of families who will have an interfaith couple/family in their midst. It also seemed to me, that it could help those who would be entering this new frontier. This would help those answer questions, ideas of how to handle it, and help children understand what they are feeling and experiencing.
This opened my eyes to a whole new world and the struggles that one will encounter, but ultimately the benefits of having both in the same household. I'm glad I read this as I found this a new learning lesson that everyone can learn.
Susan provided a great insight into this dynamic. Not only does it describe how the children are feeling, but what the benefits are for them to having both. It also explains and helps one understand the concerns of families who will have an interfaith couple/family in their midst. It also seemed to me, that it could help those who would be entering this new frontier. This would help those answer questions, ideas of how to handle it, and help children understand what they are feeling and experiencing.
This opened my eyes to a whole new world and the struggles that one will encounter, but ultimately the benefits of having both in the same household. I'm glad I read this as I found this a new learning lesson that everyone can learn.
November 5, 2013
Thank you, Susan. This is an excellent book. Well written, well edited and best of all, not apologetic at all! I was so glad to read a book that is so clearly enthusiastic about the experience of raising children in more than one faith. I found myself saying "amen" (silently, in my head, since I was on the plane) almost every page!
I really hope that this book gets widely read and distributed. I feel that the interfaith communities where children are educated and families celebrate are still really hidden, so that when people do hear about them they act as if they are part of some crazy, untested theory rather than something that has been going on for years. I was surprised at how old some of the "where are they now?" kids were!
I also want to thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. It's not easy. I totally understand the "sighs" you talk about. Good work.
I really hope that this book gets widely read and distributed. I feel that the interfaith communities where children are educated and families celebrate are still really hidden, so that when people do hear about them they act as if they are part of some crazy, untested theory rather than something that has been going on for years. I was surprised at how old some of the "where are they now?" kids were!
I also want to thank you for your honesty in sharing your story. It's not easy. I totally understand the "sighs" you talk about. Good work.
February 20, 2014
First--although the book is written around the idea of exploring interfaith families and practices, it's a great all-purpose book for investigating differences in the traditions and beliefs (both doctrinal and theological as well as cultural) of major religious denominations. It's also an introduction to a deeply considered life of faith--reasons why expressing faith through celebration and ritual, teaching children about their ancestral and cultural roots is still important in America.
Ms. Katz Miller shares bountiful examples and models of how to go about building an interfaith community, a relatively new (and refreshing) idea. Katz Miller weaves fascinating bits of information about intersecting beliefs and practices into the stories, encouraging us to believe that we could use the power of faith communities to make a better world.
Easy to read, engaging. Made me think.
Ms. Katz Miller shares bountiful examples and models of how to go about building an interfaith community, a relatively new (and refreshing) idea. Katz Miller weaves fascinating bits of information about intersecting beliefs and practices into the stories, encouraging us to believe that we could use the power of faith communities to make a better world.
Easy to read, engaging. Made me think.
April 19, 2014
Extremely interesting viewpoint on raising interfaith families, and the importance of interfaith communities. While I am thrilled with my Christian faith home here in Ottawa, I would love to see this kind of interfaith space open up so we could fully worship and immerse ourselves in both traditions as a family. A really good take as well on the common concerns brought up in terms of interfaith marriage - will it confuse the children? Will it cause friction? What happens if they have to choose one eventually? The reality is, these decisions might have to be faced even in single-faith families these days as religious affiliations can be fluid. Overall a great book from a rarely-heard-from perspective that I appreciate very much.
September 28, 2014
I found this book very interesting. I found the anecdotes about her personal experience very informative and showed glimpses into the issues being discussed on a personal level. I also thought that the three generational that celebrate two religions were especially intriguing. One of my favorite parts was when Susan was discussing how her mother, aunt, and grandmother all secretly baptized her. I am not especially interested in religions, but I did enjoy reading about the different aspects of Susan's life and the difficulties and benefits of leading a dual religion lifestyle. I received this book through Beacon Hill Publishing by Goodreads First Read Giveaway.
December 11, 2013
I was lucky enough to receive this book through the giveaway.
This book is wonderful. If this is a rough place in your relationship this book will solve the issue.
My gf and I have been dating a little over a year. Both Christian, but had difference in denomination and some other relatable issues. This book was great for realizing when we find that person and they aren't our exact opposite, there is still a reason to be together, and to help each other grow.
This book is wonderful. If this is a rough place in your relationship this book will solve the issue.
My gf and I have been dating a little over a year. Both Christian, but had difference in denomination and some other relatable issues. This book was great for realizing when we find that person and they aren't our exact opposite, there is still a reason to be together, and to help each other grow.
February 3, 2014
3.5 Stars. I didn't actually read/finish this book. I had to skip around and skim but I did appreciate the message of the book. I gained some things too, which is important. I think it depends on why you are reading the book on whether or not you'll like it. I found it to be very repetitve and in some spots (the myths) it just drug on. But overall, enojyed what I gained from it. If there was an Interfaith Community in my area, I would definitely check it out.
August 12, 2016
It's pretty informative if you are an Interfaith family or wanting to become one. It was a little repetative, but otherwise it is interesting.
January 9, 2014
Amazing and very affirming of faith!
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