The Good News About Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce

by Shaunti Feldhahn, Andy Stanley (Foreword), Tally Whitehead (Primary Contributor)

Divorce is not the biggest threat to marriage. Discouragement is. You’ve probably heard the grim Half of all marriages end in divorce . The divorce rate inside the church is the same as outside . Most marriages are just holding on. But what if these “facts” are actually myths? In The Good News About Marriage, best-selling author Shaunti Feldhahn presents groundbreaking research that reveals the shocking, incredibly inspiring · The actual divorce rate has never gotten close to 50 percent. · Those who attend church regularly have a significantly lower divorce rate than those who don’t. · Most marriages are happy. · Simple changes make a big difference in most marriage problems. · Most remarriages succeed. For too long, our confidence in marriage has been undermined by persistent misunderstandings and imperfect data. This landmark book will radically change how we think and talk about marriage—and what we can dare to hope from it. “Shaunti takes aim at marriage myths that have spread like a cancer through our culture–myths that have become self-fulfilling prophecies. This book is packed with game-changing revelations. Like this Not only are most people staying married, they are happy in their marriages!” –Emerson Eggerichs, best-selling author of Love and Respect

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Nonfiction, Christian, Family, Sociology, Christian Non Fiction

208 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Shaunti received her graduate degree from Harvard University and was an analyst on Wall Street before unexpectedly becoming a social researcher, best-selling author and popular speaker. Today, she applies her analytical skills to investigating eye-opening, life-changing truths about relationships, both at home and in the workplace. Her groundbreaking research-based books, such as For Women Only, have sold more than 2 million copies in 23 languages and are widely read in homes, counseling centers and corporations worldwide.

Her newest book, The Kindness Challenge, is catalyzing a movement of kindness across the country and beyond. Dozens of prominent organizations and leaders are coming together to do The 30-Day Kindness Challenge, and encourage their followers to do the same.

Shaunti’s findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show and Focus on the Family, The New York Times and Cosmo. She (often with her husband, Jeff) speaks at 50 events a year around the world. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in Atlanta with their teenage daughter and son, and two cats who think they are dogs.

Reviews

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book seems to have been written in order to debunk the myth that 50% of marriages end in divorce, and that Christian marriages aren't doing any better. In order to prove this myth wrong, this book is full of non-stop stats. Because of the abundance of statistics showing the truth about marriages, the author's point was really driven home. Unfortunately, because the author is making the same point over and over and over again, the read can feel a little repetitive. Either way, though, I'm glad this book exists, and I'm very happy that it will bring hope to husbands and wives everywhere.

[Lilly Fountain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Slay

[Emi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Most of you know that I love marriage. More specifically, I love being married to Ye Old Hubby. He's great. I remember during pre-marital counseling when we heard all the doom and gloom facts about marriage. We knew it would be hard, but we were committed. Now it's wonderful to hear that much of the news we heard wasn't true. It better reflects what we have experienced and makes us feel less like outliers.

[Heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This presents surprising numbers on divorces vs. happy marriages. You probably don't need to read the whole book. Everything is summed up in the back of the book and at the end of every chapter. I appreciated this, because the statistics and numbers could be a bit overwhelming throughout the chapter. All in all, I'm glad I read it.

[Carrie Daws · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! What an encouraging book! It is so wonderful to hear from someone who has not only looked at the actual data in studies on marriage but looked into what the number represents to give us a better picture of the state of marriages in America. To read things like the rate of divorce is no where near 50% and that 80% of couples are truly happy not only encouraged me within my own marriage but gives me great hope for the future of my children.

[Callie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting, but not as encouraging as I thought it was going to be.

[Marcas · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Good News about Marriage is what good, careful, statistical research looks like. Shaunti Feldhahn's heartening and precise study corrects many marriage and divorce myths. Especially the big one in The States about 1 in 2 divorcing.
There is good news for those marrying for the first time, as well as those looking another chance for whatever reason.

The author of For Men Only and For Women Only also excavates the good news that Christian couples who attend church together, read The Bible, pray, etc are more likely to stay together and score higher in happiness studies.
Feldhahn considers various other factors in her study and is careful not to assume causation where there is only correlation.

A book like this only serves to show that having unfailing faith in stats can be dangerous, and lead to self-fulfilling prophecies.
For example, couples who believe that there is a higher divorce rate than there is have greater anxiety about committing to marriage. This is essentially a false feeling, created by misinterpreted research that looked at specific sections of the population and asked questions that were irrelevant to an average divorce rate for those living today. It could stop people at the matrimonial door.

Like a good Thomas Sowell book, this reminds us of the importance of the statistician as much as the stats, because they don't tell the truth in and of themselves. Like artefacts they require a tender touch, which this writer provides. She also provides lists of references and more in-depth study in separate Pdf documents.

Shaunti's firmer and more hopeful statistics offer encouraging support to the theological first things which the Orthodox teaches about this Holy Mystery.
When you put God first, and live the life of discipleship in marriage, generally more good things will happen.

[Sarah♥ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here's the main implied point to all relationships: learn to communicate with each other, and ask tough questions of each other, instead of being silent (and worse, subconsciously assumptive of lies). This will solve all of your problems, barring a union that never should've taken place or outliers like straight up abuse (that's a deeper atypical issue, not relevant to most people).

The irony that incorrect information encouraged the results it touted is amazing, because the reverse can be (and is) true: the truth will set you free - change your paradigm, change your approach and assume better results.

To all the complaints from people about all the stats: would you like to be the one to do all this work to get all these results & calculations? I'm guessing, probably not. So say thank you, instead.

Does everyone need to know all of this? Maybe not, but knowing all this helps all of our conversations - being informed, when we are in the presence of a conversation where misinformation is spoken, we can instead reveal the truth. Then, people can make an informed decision that is rooted in awareness, instead of ignorance.

Thank you, this was interesting! Good to know.

[Brittani Elle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this read. Ironically a lot of the myths written in the book are commonly used. I found that it was insightful to know that the Divorce rate isn't in fact 50 percent but that it is somewhere around 28-42 percent and that 50% is a projected number based upon private studies that were made in the 1970's.

The book did become redundant at times going over the same misconceptions-but over all this is a short read. The last 50 pages are used as notes and cited references which I was disappointed to see. Some pages are filled with statistics and graphs that are hard to understand. I felt at times the graphs were not necessary as the average reader wouldn't be able to easily understand them. I did appreciate how this book was written WITH OUT personal bias but more so facts and creditable sources.

There is a religious tone in regards to some of the studies that are debunked myths in the church. I personally enjoyed that the book wasn't heavily influenced by religious beliefs but more so creditable facts.

This book is definitely a great read for newly engaged couples and or newlyweds.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A definite must read! This book will change your views of marriage and divorce. It is a beacon of truth into the darkness. Hope in a time lacking in reasons to hope.

I found it well researched and conservative in estimates. The authors valued honesty and transparency and have found an engaging way to disseminate information into laymen’s terms. I respect their resistance to judging or condemning other researchers even though it seems apparent that most in this arena don’t worry overmuch about academic integrity. I also appreciate their willingness to assume the best of those pushing the doom and gloom narrative about marriage even though I do not do the same.

[Carol Ghattas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard about this book several years ago when the author did an interview with Janet Parshall. I would love to see her do an updated version now, at ten years later, but I think many of her conclusions would be the same. I think the biggest reason divorce rates are declining, as she said in 2014, is that many are not getting married in the first place or waiting later in life to marry.

Marriages that last longest are made up of couples who share the same faith and attend church together. Strong marriages are those of couples who don't mind working hard to make it work.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is interesting from a methodological and content standpoint. The critique of methods and publications regarding marriage statistics and the defense of the authors’ methods in contrast are intriguing to me. I found this approach to considering divorce statistics something to chew on. It’s also curious to wonder about how many marriages would change and in what ways if the conventional wisdom on marriage statistics was different.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

After a thorough analysis of available research these authors blow away multiple long-standing “facts” about marriage. In reality, most marriages are happy, the 50% divorce rate was a projection which has never been met, and those who attend church regularly have a significantly lower divorce rate than those who don’t.

Mic drop.

[Jerry Dugan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great info and making the data analysis make sense to the lay person. I only dropped a star because the writing style is repetitive like the authors stitched together a series of long-form articles. Overall, great summary and I recommend this book.

[Jeff Brimhall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook: Thesis is that divorce rate in US is 25-30% not the 45-50% commonly used. Billed as good news books is very positive about good news on marriage. Little annoying but interesting. It does appear divorce rate may be lower than commonly stated.

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very statistical but interesting - the bottom line is the book is filled with lots of data arguing that the divorce rate is actually much lower than the 50% that most people say.

[Rachel G · Rating 4 out of 5]

The information was so good and interesting, but it was hard for me to read. Lots of numbers and surveys and statistics that jumbled together. But it is short and relatively quick to read.
I appreciate the time the authors spent researching the topic of marriage and divorce, and their findings are encouraging and surprising!

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent! The information in this book needs to be much more widely publicized.

I recommend this for engaged couples, and couples who feel discouraged about their marriage.

[Brent · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are myths that most marriages are unhappy and divorce is prevalent. It's not really true and this book tries to counteract those myths with studies and data.

[Rebecca]

One giant commercial for how things aren’t as bad as everyone commonly thinks when it comes to marriage. Well-researched, as always.

[James Swanson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really helped me better understand the myths surrounding divorce rates in America, especially among religious couples.

[Travis Summerlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good book for anyone in leadership and/or counseling. The hard data tells a different story than is popular in our culture today.

[John Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Outstanding read. Another winner by Mrs. Feldhahn

[Ayoola Efunkoya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Contrary to the inaccurate data often cited wrongly, fewer marriages end up in divorce. Don’t be held back by the fearmongering that pervades social and religious conversations.

[Alea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Should be required reading for anyone who ministers to engaged or married couples. It was good to learn there's actually a positive outlook for marriage.

[Ann Mulholland]

It was good news, but it was kinda repetitive so I tuned out at times. But yes , good news about marriage

[George P. · Rating 5 out of 5]

 Shaunti Feldhahn with Tally Whitehead, The Good News about Marriage: Debunking Discouraging Myths about Marriage and Divorce (Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah Books, 2014). Hardcover / Kindle

Marriage survives by hope. If a husband and wife believe that their relationship can get better, chances are that it will. They may have to tread a difficult path for a time, but eventually, the road becomes smoother and they arrive at their destination: a fulfilling life together.

Unfortunately, many of the statistics about marriage and divorce that are prevalent in our culture destroy hope. Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce, we’re told. For second and third marriages, the divorce rate is even higher: 60 and 73 percent, respectively. Few couples are satisfied with their marriages. Though Christians talk a good game about marriage and family, the reality of divorce and dissatisfaction is the same for them as for everyone else. Finally, making a marriage work requires bigger changes than most couples are willing to make.

The funny thing about these hope-destroying statistics is that they’re wrong, misleading, or both. Instead, as Shaunti Feldhahn and Tally Whitehead argue in their new book, there’s plenty of good news about marriage. Indeed, they identify five specific pieces of good news:

The vast majority of marriages last a lifetime; the current divorce rate has never been close to 50 percent—it is closer to 20 to 25 percent for first-time marriages and 31 percent for all marriages—and has been declining for years (p. 39).
The vast majority of marriages are happy (around 80 percent)! Most people are glad they married their spouse and, given the chance, would do it all over again (p. 61).
The rate of divorce in the church is 25 to 50 percent lower than among those who don’t attend worship services, and those who prioritize their faith and/or pray together are dramatically happier and more connected (p. 86).
The large majority of remarriages last. Among women in second marriages, 65 percent are still married to their spouse, and of those who aren’t, many are widowed rather than divorced (p. 101).
In most cases, having a good marriage or improving a struggling one doesn’t have to be ultra complicated or solve deep, systemic issues; small changes can and do often make a big difference (p. 117).

The authors recognize that getting good statistics about marriage and divorce is not an easy undertaking. Different studies ask different questions. The sample is occasionally not representative. The data sometimes point in different directions. And not all family scholars agree on conclusions.

Nevertheless, Feldhahn and Whitehead make a reasonable case for their conclusions, drawing on the best experts in the field and the best studies. Those wishing to investigate for themselves can read the authorities cited in the footnotes for themselves and draw their own conclusions. My guess is that they’ll come away convinced that Feldhahn and Whitehead are substantially correct.

Who, then, should read this book? Although drawing on social science research, this is not a social science book. Instead, it uses good research to help couples, marriage counselors, and Christian leaders better prepare themselves and others for lasting, fulfilling marriages. This hope-filled approach is helpful, for as the authors say, “‘You can believe in marriage’ can become the new normal” (p. 124).

Let’s hope so!

P.S. If you found my review helpful, please vote “Yes” on my Amazon.com review page.

P.P.S. For more good news about marriage, as well as practical advice for making your marriage good, visit http://www.shaunti.com.

[Wahyu Awaludin · Rating 1 out of 5]

No new information/insights for me. super boring

[Rachael · Rating 4 out of 5]

I confess I read very little nonfiction, unless there is a specific subject I am looking up, and then I feel no obligation to read any more than what is pertinent to the subject of my research. However, since my husband and I had read For Men Only and For Women Only back in courting days, I recognized the author and decided to give this book a shot. Feldhahn's books are not based on theology or what people should do and think, but are instead a compilation of the findings of extensive surveys and research on what people actually do and think.

Shaunti Feldhahn (with the help of Tally Whitehead) has devoted a book to the surprising news that marriage is not doomed, dividing her findings into five main points. Based on numerous studies and surveys, Feldhahn debunks the "well-known fact" that 50% of marriages end in divorce (in reality, the highest it has ever been was around the year 1980, and divorce rates have been slowly decreasing since to about 31%); that most marriages are so-so or unhappy (her findings show that most marriages are happy to very happy); that divorce is just as common inside the church as outside (the myth is a result of misinterpreted data; divorce rates are significantly lower in the church); that remarriages are doomed (the majority of remarriages thrive), and that marriage problems result from major issues (when most unhappy marriages stem from day-to-day misunderstandings and unintended hurt, and simple changes can make a big difference).

If you cannot handle numbers or statistics, then this book is not for you. The author cites studies by reputable (and often misquoted) sources, as well as her own in her extensive research on marriage in the United States. However, if numbers do not scare you, this is a good book to read and share - she does a good job clarifying what the studies specifically looked at and therefore what the numbers mean, especially in cases where her findings differ so greatly from the norm.

The statistics published in this book make sense to me, based on marriages of people I know - among my parents' siblings and my first cousins who are married, roughly 1 in 8 are divorced - that's 12.5% - nothing remotely near the popular 50% (or even the author's figure of 31%). And that ratio holds pretty true for my friends and their parents.

This book by no means states that the state of marriage is perfect or even near where it should be, but it clarifies common misconceptions that have created an extremely discouraging view of marriage - the truth is, things are not nearly as bad as people think, and there is a lot of optimism for marriage. While it does not have much applicable insight (such as how to make a marriage happier or prevent divorce), it conveys hope in an area that has long been struggling, and that hope in and of itself may be enough to tip a marriage toward success rather than failure. So while I would not recommend that everyone go out and buy their own copy, I do recommend reading it and sharing it - this is a great book to pass around to get the word out there of the good news about marriage.

I received a free copy of this book from Blogging for Books in exchange for an honest review; I was not required to make it positive, and all opinions are my own.

[AYAH · Rating 5 out of 5]

طيب بما أن موضوع الكتاب قريب جداً من قلبي فسأكتب المراجعة بالعربي، و لعل و عسى دار نشر عربية تتلحلح و تترجم كتب شانتي اللي غيرت لي نظرتي جذرياً لجنس الرجال.. أتاريهم مو جبابرة منعدمي الإحساس :) طلعو الجماعة عندهم مشاعر و أحاسيس رهيفة جداً بس ما يقدروا يعبروا عنها حتى لو حطيت على راسهم مسدس (المزيد في كتاب For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men)

المهم هذا الكتاب باختصار نسف لأسطورة انتهاء ٥٠٪ من الزواجات تنتهي بالطلاق! بنهاية الكتاب ستقنعك شانتي بأن نسبة الطلاق على الأرجح لا تتجاوز الـ ٣٠ إلى الـ ٣٥٪ من كل الزيجات و معظمها تحدث في الخمس سنوات الأولى!

أكثر من ذلك أكثر من ٨٠٪ من الزيجات في الواقع زيجات سعيدة!! قد يتذمرون و يتظاهرون بعكس ذلك و لكن الأكثرية سعيدة سعادة هادئة

و في دراسة طويلة المدى وجد بأن الزيجات التعيسة تماماً لدرجة أن الطرفين يفكرون في الطلاق و لكن يحجمون عنه لأي سبب كان تحولت بقدرة قادر لزيجات سعيدة جداً في غضون ما لا يزيد عن ٥ سنوات و ربما أقل!!! هذه المعلومة أذهلتني لأنني أعرف عن قرب من مرت بهذا التحول و عندما ناقشتها في الأمر قالت بأنها لا تعرف ما الذي تغير: مجرد قررت أن تستمر و تكون سعيدة على أية حال من أجل أطفالها و دون أن تنتبه بدأ زواجها يتحسن.. "الله الهادي يا ستي" و نعم بالله :)

الأزواج الذي يمارسون التزاماتهم الدينية بغض النظر عن الدين تقل لديهم نسبة الطلاق من ٢٠ إلى ٥٠ ٪ عن غير الملتزمين بواجباتهم الدينية!

شانتي أيضاً تتحدث باختصار عن أن معظم حالات الطلاق ليس سببها مشاكل كبيرة تتعلق بالمال أو الجنس بل هي غياب معلومات بسيطة جداً جداً جداً عن طبيعة الإنسان المقابل: عندما تعامل المرأة الرجل على أنه امرأة و الرجل يعامل زوجته على أنها رجل.. هذه الأسرار التافهة جداً إذا صح أن أسميها كذلك تحدثت عنها شانتي باستفاضة في كتابها The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference

رغم أن الكتاب يعالج المجتمع الأمريكي بشكل خاص إلا أن استنتاجات شانتي تنطبق بسهولة على مجتمعنا.. يعني بالعقل لا أصدق أن حالات الطلاق في السعودية ثلاثة أضعاف الزواج! لا أصدق بأن هناك ثلاث حالات طلاق في الساعة!! يا ناس: مجنون يتكلم و عاقل يسمع!!!! هذه المبالغات الفارغة تجعل الشباب يقدمون على الزواج بنصف قلب و عينهم على المخرج و هما لسه بيقولو يا هادي!!! لا أدري عن الشباب، لكن معظم البنات يبدو لي في حالة رعب من الزواج: تخاف ألا تتزوج، تخاف أن تتزوج، تخاف أن تكون تعيسة في الزواج، تخاف أن تتطلق.. و من يلومها مع هذه الثقافة المهولة و المصيبة أن التعساء هلكونا في كل مكان بتعاستهم بينما الناس السعيدة التي تعيش السكنى و الهدوء لا تشعر بالرغبة و لا الحاجة لأن تتحدث باستمرار عن سعادتها.. الزواج ليس سهلاً و لكن لا الدراسة و لا الحياة العملية و لا الحياة في المجمل سهلة.. كلها مهارات نتعلمها بمصابرة النفس و النضج العاطفي..

الله يسعد الجميع يا رب