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The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World
Length: 10 hrs and 25 mins
Some people - a sizeable minority - prefer to avoid the limelight, tend to listen more than they speak, feel alone in large groups, and require lots of private time to restore their energy. Often they feel different, not right, less than. But as Marti Olsen Laney proves, that is far from the truth.
The Introvert Advantage dispels common myths about introverts - they’re not necessarily shy, aloof, or antisocial - and explains how they are hardwired from birth to focus inward, so outside stimulation such as chitchat, phone calls, parties, or office meetings can easily become "too much". Most importantly, it thoroughly refutes many introverts’ belief that something is wrong with them. Instead, it helps them recognize their inner strengths - their analytical skills, ability to think outside the box, and strong powers of concentration. It provides tools to improve relationships with partners, kids, colleagues, and friends, while offering dozens of tips, including eight ways to showcase their abilities at work and strategies for socializing. In short, The Introvert Advantage shows introverts how to take advantage of their special qualities not only to survive in an extrovert-oriented world, but to thrive.
Some people - a sizeable minority - prefer to avoid the limelight, tend to listen more than they speak, feel alone in large groups, and require lots of private time to restore their energy. Often they feel different, not right, less than. But as Marti Olsen Laney proves, that is far from the truth.
The Introvert Advantage dispels common myths about introverts - they’re not necessarily shy, aloof, or antisocial - and explains how they are hardwired from birth to focus inward, so outside stimulation such as chitchat, phone calls, parties, or office meetings can easily become "too much". Most importantly, it thoroughly refutes many introverts’ belief that something is wrong with them. Instead, it helps them recognize their inner strengths - their analytical skills, ability to think outside the box, and strong powers of concentration. It provides tools to improve relationships with partners, kids, colleagues, and friends, while offering dozens of tips, including eight ways to showcase their abilities at work and strategies for socializing. In short, The Introvert Advantage shows introverts how to take advantage of their special qualities not only to survive in an extrovert-oriented world, but to thrive.
11 pages, Audible Audio
First published February 1, 2002
1818 people are currently reading
33911 people want to read
About the author
Marti Olsen Laney
12 books105 followersMarti Olsen Laney, Psy.D., is a researcher, educator, author, and psychotherapist. One of America’s foremost authorities on introversion, she speaks and leads workshops on the topic in the United States and Canada.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 988 reviews
March 13, 2012
This book started out OK, but the more I read, the more I felt insulted.
Laney goes out of her way to make sure you know that being an introvert is not the same thing as being shy or having social anxiety. Then in nearly every list of suggestions for dealing with other people, she includes "breathe." I'm not hyperventilating or holding my breath every time someone talks to me; I'm just an introvert.
She also goes on and on about introverts being slow thinkers and slow processors and slow workers. That's not really what it's about. Introverts will make sure they have valid arguments to back up their statements all organized in their heads before they voice their statements out loud. It's not that they haven't thought of anything to say yet, it's that they haven't decided if it's worth saying it out loud even if you ask them point blank about their thoughts.
If you blurt out the first sentence that comes to mind while I'm still organizing my entire essay in my head, and then you call me a slow thinker, I will punch you in the face repeatedly, in my mind. I don't think slower; I think MORE. And then I speak less.
And yes, I do not like to be interrupted while I'm working on a project, but it's not going to take me half a day to get back on track. And no, deadlines don't freak me out. Don't tell me to breathe again.
The sections about how to be normal at a party and how to date were insulting as well. If being an introvert is not the same thing as having a social phobia, then I can handle myself at a party or on a date just fine, thankyouverymuch. I'll never be the life of the party, or even the life of the conversation, but I'm an introvert, so I don't want to be, no matter how many lessons in small talk you give me.
"Hi, I'm Marti. How do you know the host? Hi, I love the music they're playing. Do you know the name of the piece? Hi, I'm Marti; Jim is my boss. Isn't this a beautiful home? Isn't the food delicious? I love this backyard."
Gag me. It's not that I don't know how to ask the world's most boring questions to start a conversation. It's that the conversation that would ensue from that point forward would have me napping in no time.
Laney goes out of her way to make sure you know that being an introvert is not the same thing as being shy or having social anxiety. Then in nearly every list of suggestions for dealing with other people, she includes "breathe." I'm not hyperventilating or holding my breath every time someone talks to me; I'm just an introvert.
She also goes on and on about introverts being slow thinkers and slow processors and slow workers. That's not really what it's about. Introverts will make sure they have valid arguments to back up their statements all organized in their heads before they voice their statements out loud. It's not that they haven't thought of anything to say yet, it's that they haven't decided if it's worth saying it out loud even if you ask them point blank about their thoughts.
If you blurt out the first sentence that comes to mind while I'm still organizing my entire essay in my head, and then you call me a slow thinker, I will punch you in the face repeatedly, in my mind. I don't think slower; I think MORE. And then I speak less.
And yes, I do not like to be interrupted while I'm working on a project, but it's not going to take me half a day to get back on track. And no, deadlines don't freak me out. Don't tell me to breathe again.
The sections about how to be normal at a party and how to date were insulting as well. If being an introvert is not the same thing as having a social phobia, then I can handle myself at a party or on a date just fine, thankyouverymuch. I'll never be the life of the party, or even the life of the conversation, but I'm an introvert, so I don't want to be, no matter how many lessons in small talk you give me.
"Hi, I'm Marti. How do you know the host? Hi, I love the music they're playing. Do you know the name of the piece? Hi, I'm Marti; Jim is my boss. Isn't this a beautiful home? Isn't the food delicious? I love this backyard."
Gag me. It's not that I don't know how to ask the world's most boring questions to start a conversation. It's that the conversation that would ensue from that point forward would have me napping in no time.
December 17, 2012
I am an introvert. When I first heard about this book, I was curious and eager to read it. A few introvert friends read it, and praised it to the skies. I read it, and ...
didn't like it.
It took me a while to determine why (thus proving myself an introvert) but by the last chapters, I had it figured out.
The title of this book is "The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. Making the Most of Your Hidden Strengths". Really? As far as I am concerned, its title should be "Overcoming the Handicap of Introversion: How to Survive in an Extrovert World".
Introvert strengths? Where are they? Despite the title, there's not much of them to be seen in this book.
The author tells us she interviewed 50 introverts for the purposes of this book. (Fifty, I might add, is not a large sample.) Of these 50, only one -- only ONE -- felt confident and happy in his introversion. Well. No wonder the book is so skewed in the direction of assuring us we're not defective. Assuring us we are worthwhile. Assuring us we can cope ... but not moving past those assurances to describe and build upon our strengths. Our strengths, not in opposition to extroverts, our strengths not to be used to overcome the adversity of being introverts. Just.Our.STRENGTHS.
I am an introvert. I am a happy, self-confident introvert with a circle of friends that is not large (see above, "I am an introvert"), but which more than adequately meets my needs.
I am a happy, self-confident, socially secure introvert who, page after page after page, kept waiting for the part of the book that would describe the advantages of introversion. Where was it?
I read about how to cope with dating. How to cope with parties. How to cope with the demands of parenting, of a job, of life in general. I did not find much time at all spent on the ways our introversion makes us good dates, good co-workers, good parents.
The advantages of introversion. Where are they in this book?
We are self-aware and capable of great introspection, we are told ... and then are given dating advice straight from the pages of Seventeen. "Make the first meeting short. Meet at a neutral location. Use your good observational skills to gain information about the person." Gee, thanks. I'm an introvert. I guess I can't be expected to figure this complicated social stuff out.
We're easily tired, we speak slowly, we struggle for words, we move slowly, it has never occurred to us that we can go to a party for an hour instead of staying till the last drunk wobbles home.
Though strengths of introversion are mentioned -- we think deeply, we enjoy analysis and introspection, we are creative, we consider our words before blurting them out -- these things are only mentioned. They are not expanded upon significantly at all.
Rather, by far the primary focus of the book is tips and techniques for surviving in an extroverted world. Not "thriving", no. It's merest survival. Getting by. Overcoming the handicaps of introversion. Becoming adequate to the challenges of extroversion.
I was disappointed in this book. As an introvert, I found it patronizing and at points downright insulting. If I were an extrovert reading this book, I'm sure I'd end up thinking introverts were a pathetic bunch of delicate flowers, wilting limply at the simplest of social demands.
How about some chapters on what introverts bring to relationships, the workplace, the family? How about some time spent on how extroverts can learn from introverts, the things that we have that would benefit the world at large?
Imagine a family where people thought before they spoke. Imagine a workplace where people didn't interrupt each other, but let the other guy speak their full thought ... and then everyone considered that thought. Imagine a society where it was routine to take time to reflect on actions, before and after.
I can imagine it. Seems Dr. Laney cannot. And that? Is a shame.
didn't like it.
It took me a while to determine why (thus proving myself an introvert) but by the last chapters, I had it figured out.
The title of this book is "The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World. Making the Most of Your Hidden Strengths". Really? As far as I am concerned, its title should be "Overcoming the Handicap of Introversion: How to Survive in an Extrovert World".
Introvert strengths? Where are they? Despite the title, there's not much of them to be seen in this book.
The author tells us she interviewed 50 introverts for the purposes of this book. (Fifty, I might add, is not a large sample.) Of these 50, only one -- only ONE -- felt confident and happy in his introversion. Well. No wonder the book is so skewed in the direction of assuring us we're not defective. Assuring us we are worthwhile. Assuring us we can cope ... but not moving past those assurances to describe and build upon our strengths. Our strengths, not in opposition to extroverts, our strengths not to be used to overcome the adversity of being introverts. Just.Our.STRENGTHS.
I am an introvert. I am a happy, self-confident introvert with a circle of friends that is not large (see above, "I am an introvert"), but which more than adequately meets my needs.
I am a happy, self-confident, socially secure introvert who, page after page after page, kept waiting for the part of the book that would describe the advantages of introversion. Where was it?
I read about how to cope with dating. How to cope with parties. How to cope with the demands of parenting, of a job, of life in general. I did not find much time at all spent on the ways our introversion makes us good dates, good co-workers, good parents.
The advantages of introversion. Where are they in this book?
We are self-aware and capable of great introspection, we are told ... and then are given dating advice straight from the pages of Seventeen. "Make the first meeting short. Meet at a neutral location. Use your good observational skills to gain information about the person." Gee, thanks. I'm an introvert. I guess I can't be expected to figure this complicated social stuff out.
We're easily tired, we speak slowly, we struggle for words, we move slowly, it has never occurred to us that we can go to a party for an hour instead of staying till the last drunk wobbles home.
Though strengths of introversion are mentioned -- we think deeply, we enjoy analysis and introspection, we are creative, we consider our words before blurting them out -- these things are only mentioned. They are not expanded upon significantly at all.
Rather, by far the primary focus of the book is tips and techniques for surviving in an extroverted world. Not "thriving", no. It's merest survival. Getting by. Overcoming the handicaps of introversion. Becoming adequate to the challenges of extroversion.
I was disappointed in this book. As an introvert, I found it patronizing and at points downright insulting. If I were an extrovert reading this book, I'm sure I'd end up thinking introverts were a pathetic bunch of delicate flowers, wilting limply at the simplest of social demands.
How about some chapters on what introverts bring to relationships, the workplace, the family? How about some time spent on how extroverts can learn from introverts, the things that we have that would benefit the world at large?
Imagine a family where people thought before they spoke. Imagine a workplace where people didn't interrupt each other, but let the other guy speak their full thought ... and then everyone considered that thought. Imagine a society where it was routine to take time to reflect on actions, before and after.
I can imagine it. Seems Dr. Laney cannot. And that? Is a shame.
July 23, 2007
The two things I heard most in my youth: "Where did you get that red hair?" (which always struck me as wildly dumb, and/or inappropriate. what if I was adopted? or did people really think a first grader would dye her hair - dye it pumpkin orange, no less??)
And the other: "Why are you so quiet?" (because I'm tired of answering stupid questions from complete strangers??)
Anyway, I'm still quiet, and have married into a spastically extroverted family. I'm eager to read this book, and welcome any good advice (liquor has already been suggested).
And the other: "Why are you so quiet?" (because I'm tired of answering stupid questions from complete strangers??)
Anyway, I'm still quiet, and have married into a spastically extroverted family. I'm eager to read this book, and welcome any good advice (liquor has already been suggested).
November 4, 2013
This review has been published elsewhere as "Introverts Are Not Idiots."
February 4, 2011
First, she spends a lot of time making sure you’re an introvert. As if anyone else would be reading this book. Then, once you’re super sure that you’re an introvert, she talks about what it means to be an introvert, as if you don’t already know. That’s a lot of time wasted right there. Then she tells you how extroverts work and how they’re totally different from you and gives a tiny teaspoon of advice on how to interact with them. It’s all mostly stupid common sense stuff. Then she blathers on about romantic relationships between innies and outies (hate those terms, by the way. Is this kindergarten?). Then she just blathers. Seriously, none of this was helpful.
If this book were written to help extroverts (75% of the population) understand introverts, I might see the appeal. But what extrovert is likely to pick up a book called The Introvert Advantage? Also, the subtitle, How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, is a complete joke. None of her advice will help you thrive. It might help you survive, but that's totally different.
If this book were written to help extroverts (75% of the population) understand introverts, I might see the appeal. But what extrovert is likely to pick up a book called The Introvert Advantage? Also, the subtitle, How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, is a complete joke. None of her advice will help you thrive. It might help you survive, but that's totally different.
August 10, 2010
Things I learned from this book:
- 75% of people are extroverts
- introverts often feel drained or overstimulated
- introverts get energy from the internal world, extroverts from the external world
- introverts like depth, extroverts like breadth
- introverts & extroverts may unsettle each other because they think & talk differently
- introverts NEED to take breaks regularly, preferably before feeling the need for them
- introverts may speak slowly, not show much facial expression, not offer ideas freely, and have difficulty remembering names or faces
- introverts may get cold more easily and get sluggish when hot
- introverts use a different, longer brain pathway that uses acetylcholine instead of dopamine & adrenaline
- introverts use the parasympathetic nervous system more; extroverts use the sympathetic nervous system more
- socializing tactics: stay in one place, fake it till you make it, use props, look friendly, use small talk (openers, sustainers, transitions, closers), deep breathing or leave, and reduce negative talk
How to let coworkers know you are participating at meetings
- relax by deep-breathing before
- don't have too many meetings in one day
- greet and say goodbye to everyone
- take notes
- look engaged
- say something
- give an opening phrase in a firm voice
- give your thought a beginning, middle, and end
- if your comment is out of sync, say "I want to add something to what so-and-so mentioned a few minutes ago"
- let people know you will continue to think about the topic
How to blow your own horn
- let your boss know what type of work interests you
- initiate a meeting yourself if you're working on a group project
- write something for the company newsletter
- tell your boss about one of your successes
- accept & give compliments & acknowledgment
How to talk less & communicate more
- smile when you greet people
- nod & keep eye contact with the speaker in meetings or groups
- send thank-you notes or emails to coworkers for congratulations or appreciation
- give out birthday cards or holiday cards
- put your name on everything you write or produce
Learn your personal pace
- do I feel peppy or tired in the morning?
- tense or relaxed by late afternoon?
- come alive or bottom out in the evening?
- when do I like to exercise or do physical tasks?
- when do I concentrate best?
- when does my brain feel the most frazzled?
- what time of day do I most enjoy being with people?
- 75% of people are extroverts
- introverts often feel drained or overstimulated
- introverts get energy from the internal world, extroverts from the external world
- introverts like depth, extroverts like breadth
- introverts & extroverts may unsettle each other because they think & talk differently
- introverts NEED to take breaks regularly, preferably before feeling the need for them
- introverts may speak slowly, not show much facial expression, not offer ideas freely, and have difficulty remembering names or faces
- introverts may get cold more easily and get sluggish when hot
- introverts use a different, longer brain pathway that uses acetylcholine instead of dopamine & adrenaline
- introverts use the parasympathetic nervous system more; extroverts use the sympathetic nervous system more
- socializing tactics: stay in one place, fake it till you make it, use props, look friendly, use small talk (openers, sustainers, transitions, closers), deep breathing or leave, and reduce negative talk
How to let coworkers know you are participating at meetings
- relax by deep-breathing before
- don't have too many meetings in one day
- greet and say goodbye to everyone
- take notes
- look engaged
- say something
- give an opening phrase in a firm voice
- give your thought a beginning, middle, and end
- if your comment is out of sync, say "I want to add something to what so-and-so mentioned a few minutes ago"
- let people know you will continue to think about the topic
How to blow your own horn
- let your boss know what type of work interests you
- initiate a meeting yourself if you're working on a group project
- write something for the company newsletter
- tell your boss about one of your successes
- accept & give compliments & acknowledgment
How to talk less & communicate more
- smile when you greet people
- nod & keep eye contact with the speaker in meetings or groups
- send thank-you notes or emails to coworkers for congratulations or appreciation
- give out birthday cards or holiday cards
- put your name on everything you write or produce
Learn your personal pace
- do I feel peppy or tired in the morning?
- tense or relaxed by late afternoon?
- come alive or bottom out in the evening?
- when do I like to exercise or do physical tasks?
- when do I concentrate best?
- when does my brain feel the most frazzled?
- what time of day do I most enjoy being with people?
March 3, 2009
Since reading Mr. Jung's book about personality types, I have often wondered what use or point these types of classifications can really have. Mr. Jung, himself, cautions that though thinking about personality types can be enlightening, we should never make the mistake of thinking that we are talking about something real. It is the dichotomy present in stereotypes in general: they can sometimes be helpful, but they can also lead to dreadful errors in judgement about particular individuals.
Ms. Laney's book is a perfect example of this dichotomy in action. Before I continue, I should mention that in every personality test I have taken, I have come up a strong introvert. Anyway, in Ms. Laney's book I read many things about myself that were eerily accurate, and that I didn't know were even connected to my personality type. For example, I really dislike being interrupted when I'm thinking about something. I had no idea that this was connected to introversion at all, I just thought it was a quirk of my personality. Yet, Ms. Laney points out that a lot of introverts feel this way. Other reviewers have mentioned the wealth of "a-ha" moments like this present in the book.
Having said that, there are several other facets of Ms. Laney's descriptions of introverts that I was the exact opposite of. Some of them are very slight, but others are more important. For example, Ms. Laney bases her whole explanation of introverts around the idea that introverts draw energy from within, and that external stimulation, whether it be conversation with friends or the infamous "smoky Las Vegas casino," drains this energy and causes introverts to, eventually, reach a kind of crisis point where they have to recharge immediately.
In my own experience, this is fundamentally untrue. I love smoky Las Vegas casinos, with all their noise and action, and as long as I like the people I'm talking to, I would prefer to stay up and talk to them all night. And when I have stayed up and talked to people all night, I do not find myself drained the next day, but rather refreshed (albeit very hungover). Even the idea that I draw energy from within is fundamentally incorrect. Long before I read this book, I spent a considerable amount of time thinking about what inspires and recharges me. My realization about this was that I am inspired by conversation with people I like, and by good art, whether it be books or movies or music or paintings or whatever. All of these things, you will notice, are external to me, not internal. Furthermore, the more extreme the impression the external thing makes upon me, the more the art or the conversation intrudes into my internal world, the more I like it.
So, in reading this book, I was constantly confused by what advice or understanding I could take from it. Everything in it was true, except the things that were false. And some of the false things were fundamental to the entire theory being argued. Because of this, it was impossible to believe the argument of the book as a whole, or to take seriously most of the advice given in it.
Speaking of advice, I want to give some to anyone who is considering following the advice Ms. Laney gives regarding human interaction: don't follow it. Or at least, consider it carefully before you put it into action. I don't know what it is about therapists, but in every book I've read they appear to be hopelessly naive about human interactions. Asking other people to make allowances for you doesn't actually help you all get along better, it just annoys the hell out of the other people. I also don't think that, in general, Mickey Mouse watches or pencils with silly erasers are good conversation starters; to me they just come off as kind of dorky pleas for attention. And by all means don't tell your introvert children to do the things she advises unless you actually want them to be social pariahs.
If you can't already tell, I thought the advice given by Ms. Laney was extremely annoying. So much so, in fact, that I was forced to throw the book across the room several times while reading. I don't know if it's our culture or what, but everyone seems to want to encourage everyone else to be so, well, weak.
Yes, it's true that introverts are sometimes uncomfortable in situations that are pleasant for other people. But despite Ms. Laney's claim that introverts are just as good as everyone else, the impression one gets from her description is that introverts are these lily-livered people who skulk around in fear all the time, having to make allowances for even the simplest human interactions, unable to drive to the grocery store without a purse full of earmuffs, nuts, and tissues soaked in soothing aromatherapy oils. I don't think this is true, nor do I think it's very flattering. Other people have mentioned giving this book to their extrovert friends so that they can understand them better. I would be horrified if anyone I knew thought of me this way.
So, to sum up, if you think you're an introvert, you might want to read this book for the a-ha moments, of which there are many. Don't, however, expect it to be a life-changing explanation of who you are or how you should act.
Ms. Laney's book is a perfect example of this dichotomy in action. Before I continue, I should mention that in every personality test I have taken, I have come up a strong introvert. Anyway, in Ms. Laney's book I read many things about myself that were eerily accurate, and that I didn't know were even connected to my personality type. For example, I really dislike being interrupted when I'm thinking about something. I had no idea that this was connected to introversion at all, I just thought it was a quirk of my personality. Yet, Ms. Laney points out that a lot of introverts feel this way. Other reviewers have mentioned the wealth of "a-ha" moments like this present in the book.
Having said that, there are several other facets of Ms. Laney's descriptions of introverts that I was the exact opposite of. Some of them are very slight, but others are more important. For example, Ms. Laney bases her whole explanation of introverts around the idea that introverts draw energy from within, and that external stimulation, whether it be conversation with friends or the infamous "smoky Las Vegas casino," drains this energy and causes introverts to, eventually, reach a kind of crisis point where they have to recharge immediately.
In my own experience, this is fundamentally untrue. I love smoky Las Vegas casinos, with all their noise and action, and as long as I like the people I'm talking to, I would prefer to stay up and talk to them all night. And when I have stayed up and talked to people all night, I do not find myself drained the next day, but rather refreshed (albeit very hungover). Even the idea that I draw energy from within is fundamentally incorrect. Long before I read this book, I spent a considerable amount of time thinking about what inspires and recharges me. My realization about this was that I am inspired by conversation with people I like, and by good art, whether it be books or movies or music or paintings or whatever. All of these things, you will notice, are external to me, not internal. Furthermore, the more extreme the impression the external thing makes upon me, the more the art or the conversation intrudes into my internal world, the more I like it.
So, in reading this book, I was constantly confused by what advice or understanding I could take from it. Everything in it was true, except the things that were false. And some of the false things were fundamental to the entire theory being argued. Because of this, it was impossible to believe the argument of the book as a whole, or to take seriously most of the advice given in it.
Speaking of advice, I want to give some to anyone who is considering following the advice Ms. Laney gives regarding human interaction: don't follow it. Or at least, consider it carefully before you put it into action. I don't know what it is about therapists, but in every book I've read they appear to be hopelessly naive about human interactions. Asking other people to make allowances for you doesn't actually help you all get along better, it just annoys the hell out of the other people. I also don't think that, in general, Mickey Mouse watches or pencils with silly erasers are good conversation starters; to me they just come off as kind of dorky pleas for attention. And by all means don't tell your introvert children to do the things she advises unless you actually want them to be social pariahs.
If you can't already tell, I thought the advice given by Ms. Laney was extremely annoying. So much so, in fact, that I was forced to throw the book across the room several times while reading. I don't know if it's our culture or what, but everyone seems to want to encourage everyone else to be so, well, weak.
Yes, it's true that introverts are sometimes uncomfortable in situations that are pleasant for other people. But despite Ms. Laney's claim that introverts are just as good as everyone else, the impression one gets from her description is that introverts are these lily-livered people who skulk around in fear all the time, having to make allowances for even the simplest human interactions, unable to drive to the grocery store without a purse full of earmuffs, nuts, and tissues soaked in soothing aromatherapy oils. I don't think this is true, nor do I think it's very flattering. Other people have mentioned giving this book to their extrovert friends so that they can understand them better. I would be horrified if anyone I knew thought of me this way.
So, to sum up, if you think you're an introvert, you might want to read this book for the a-ha moments, of which there are many. Don't, however, expect it to be a life-changing explanation of who you are or how you should act.
March 17, 2009
If you don't know me, you may not realize how momentous it is for me to not only read a non-fiction book, but give it five stars. My friend, Mikkee, recommended this book and I am so glad I read it. I've always been an introvert, but I think as I've aged, I've become more aware of how this makes me feel and how my needs are different because of it. For a non-fiction book, it was very readable, which is what pushed it from four stars to five for me. While the author has a doctorate in psychology, she didn't talk over my head (although there was one chapter on mind mapping that left me feeling slightly stupid).
A few of the other things I liked about this book:
-It affirmed traits that I either question or dislike about myself and made me realize I'm not crazy. I am self-reflective (if you haven't noticed!), contemplative and able to concentrate for long periods of time.
-It was fascinating to read about how a collection of small things like a lower natural body temperature, a tendency for my mind to go completely blank if someone calls on me unexpectedly and an affinity for short naps are all evidence of my introverted nature.
-It made me think about where my children fall on the introverted/extroverted spectrum and gave me ideas for how to relate to my daughters who are different from me in this area. It also made me realize I need to affirm the introverted qualities in my daughter who is one and in my daughter who is a bit of both introvert and extrovert.
-It gave me concrete tips on how to anticipate when my energy will be low and how to store up my energy for a time of interaction.
-Good word pictures. One of my favorites was that extroverts are like solar panels, who soak up energy from being around others. Introverts are like rechargeable batteries that need to sit on their charger (preferably at home) in order to refuel.
If you know or love an introvert, or suspect you have an introverted child, I really recommend you read this book. It's a super easy, quick read and will give you a better understanding of what it means to be introverted.
A few of the other things I liked about this book:
-It affirmed traits that I either question or dislike about myself and made me realize I'm not crazy. I am self-reflective (if you haven't noticed!), contemplative and able to concentrate for long periods of time.
-It was fascinating to read about how a collection of small things like a lower natural body temperature, a tendency for my mind to go completely blank if someone calls on me unexpectedly and an affinity for short naps are all evidence of my introverted nature.
-It made me think about where my children fall on the introverted/extroverted spectrum and gave me ideas for how to relate to my daughters who are different from me in this area. It also made me realize I need to affirm the introverted qualities in my daughter who is one and in my daughter who is a bit of both introvert and extrovert.
-It gave me concrete tips on how to anticipate when my energy will be low and how to store up my energy for a time of interaction.
-Good word pictures. One of my favorites was that extroverts are like solar panels, who soak up energy from being around others. Introverts are like rechargeable batteries that need to sit on their charger (preferably at home) in order to refuel.
If you know or love an introvert, or suspect you have an introverted child, I really recommend you read this book. It's a super easy, quick read and will give you a better understanding of what it means to be introverted.
February 16, 2009
I seriously want to buy this book for every single introvert I know. After that, I want to buy this book for every single extrovert I know.
Truth is, this book has treated a topic that is seriously underrated and has been the source of my anxiety for many, many years.
There are so many interesting facts/statistics that Dr. Laney throws into this book. For instance:
Introverts are outnumbered 3:1 in this world.
Introverts live longer than Extroverts.
Introversion has been directly linked to intelligence.
Introverts loose their words more easily, dislike eye-contact, and shirk when required to engage in "small talk."
Introverts require environments where they can control their stimulation levels (noise, color, people) and can become irritable and moody when overstimulated.
Introverts are not usually shy and do not lack social skills.
Introversion is not a pathology to overcome (Freud), but instead a personality trait (Jung), and is the reason Freud/Jung went their separate ways.
Introverts can only recharge by decreasing their stimulation and through tranquil, nonsocial solitude.
Introverts often live under immense anxiety because they and their world expect them to act like extroverts (spontaneous, outgoing, gregarious), and when they can't, they shame themselves and create immense internal angst.
Introverts "chew" on things longer than extroverts, so what seems like obsession to an extrovert is actually the natural internal dialogue of an introvert.
Introverts need to express themselves more than they do; repression is their natural bent and a dangerous one.
Introverts are almost incapable of spontaneity.
There are two kinds of introverts; left-brained and right-brained. The right-brained introvert can often mistake himself for an extrovert.
Introverts have less children.
Introverts have higher metabolisms because their life takes much more energy and therefore are prone to hypoglycemia and need to eat every few hours.
...just to name a few...
In realizing that many of my problems with anxiety and depression have come from my shamefaced introvert trying to act as if she were an extrovert, I have found much release and understanding of myself.
There are a few chapters that are very self-help focused to the introvert (how to meet people, dating, etc), but in her more soulful, philosophical chapters, there are so many gems of advise and understanding. As I read these, I saw the knot in my belly finally begin to unwind after 15 years of clenching. The chapter "Nurture your Nature," was particularly helpful.
I borrowed this book from my local library, but will be buying it as soon as I find a cheap, used copy (and this is where I plug used books...down with corporate booksellers!).
The book also has tests for introversion if you are unaware of your specific bent, and if you have any suspicion or hunch that you, your spouse, your friend, or your child is introverted, this book will seriously enlighten those relationships.
Truth is, this book has treated a topic that is seriously underrated and has been the source of my anxiety for many, many years.
There are so many interesting facts/statistics that Dr. Laney throws into this book. For instance:
Introverts are outnumbered 3:1 in this world.
Introverts live longer than Extroverts.
Introversion has been directly linked to intelligence.
Introverts loose their words more easily, dislike eye-contact, and shirk when required to engage in "small talk."
Introverts require environments where they can control their stimulation levels (noise, color, people) and can become irritable and moody when overstimulated.
Introverts are not usually shy and do not lack social skills.
Introversion is not a pathology to overcome (Freud), but instead a personality trait (Jung), and is the reason Freud/Jung went their separate ways.
Introverts can only recharge by decreasing their stimulation and through tranquil, nonsocial solitude.
Introverts often live under immense anxiety because they and their world expect them to act like extroverts (spontaneous, outgoing, gregarious), and when they can't, they shame themselves and create immense internal angst.
Introverts "chew" on things longer than extroverts, so what seems like obsession to an extrovert is actually the natural internal dialogue of an introvert.
Introverts need to express themselves more than they do; repression is their natural bent and a dangerous one.
Introverts are almost incapable of spontaneity.
There are two kinds of introverts; left-brained and right-brained. The right-brained introvert can often mistake himself for an extrovert.
Introverts have less children.
Introverts have higher metabolisms because their life takes much more energy and therefore are prone to hypoglycemia and need to eat every few hours.
...just to name a few...
In realizing that many of my problems with anxiety and depression have come from my shamefaced introvert trying to act as if she were an extrovert, I have found much release and understanding of myself.
There are a few chapters that are very self-help focused to the introvert (how to meet people, dating, etc), but in her more soulful, philosophical chapters, there are so many gems of advise and understanding. As I read these, I saw the knot in my belly finally begin to unwind after 15 years of clenching. The chapter "Nurture your Nature," was particularly helpful.
I borrowed this book from my local library, but will be buying it as soon as I find a cheap, used copy (and this is where I plug used books...down with corporate booksellers!).
The book also has tests for introversion if you are unaware of your specific bent, and if you have any suspicion or hunch that you, your spouse, your friend, or your child is introverted, this book will seriously enlighten those relationships.
July 19, 2008
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS I'VE EVER READ! Period. The cover's loud proclamation that the book was filled with "Aha Moments" is no joke! For me, the introvert, I now have a better understanding of what it means to be an introvert and how being an introvert effects every aspect of my life. It's all about energy -- introverts need to conserve energy while extroverts need to expend energy. Even our brains are wired differently. I couldn't believe some of the examples in the book. In one, the author stated that introverts have the tendency to dread returning merchandise. I've never understood why I absolutely hate the act, but now I do (you'll have to read the book to find out! :-). I highly recommend this for all introverts, so they can better understand themselves and know that they aren't weird -- they are actually quite normal in this extroverted world. I also highly recommend that extroverts read this to better understand their introverted friends and better manage their expectations of their introverted friends. I would give this ten stars if I could!
July 10, 2008
I have a generally negative view of pop psychology books, but couldn’t resist this one. And although it is lightweight and pretty ascientific, there were just enough “hey, that’s me!” moments to make me feel like I learned something.
Laney is a librarian turned psychologist who is herself an introvert. Despite the title, she focuses very little on the actual advantages of being an introvert. (For the record, we are loyal, thoughtful, persistent, good listeners, good teachers, able to focus deeply, put ourselves in others’ shoes, think outside the box and make unpopular decisions.) Instead, most of the book focuses on coping skills for introverts who must navigate a world that values extrovert qualities.
Her writing style is perky—lots of bullet points and lists—and there is a fair amount of fluff. Most of the coping techniques she shares are beyond obvious and some of them are touchy-feely-icky. On the other hand, it’s nice to hear from a mental health professional who agrees that “staying home” is a perfectly reasonable choice among options for dealing with pesty parties and other social events. And I ended up flagging a bunch of pages for my extrovert husband and friends to read since they don’t always find my introvert qualities to be especially endearing.
Nothing earth-shattering here, but I think most introverts would find it worth a quick skim.
Laney is a librarian turned psychologist who is herself an introvert. Despite the title, she focuses very little on the actual advantages of being an introvert. (For the record, we are loyal, thoughtful, persistent, good listeners, good teachers, able to focus deeply, put ourselves in others’ shoes, think outside the box and make unpopular decisions.) Instead, most of the book focuses on coping skills for introverts who must navigate a world that values extrovert qualities.
Her writing style is perky—lots of bullet points and lists—and there is a fair amount of fluff. Most of the coping techniques she shares are beyond obvious and some of them are touchy-feely-icky. On the other hand, it’s nice to hear from a mental health professional who agrees that “staying home” is a perfectly reasonable choice among options for dealing with pesty parties and other social events. And I ended up flagging a bunch of pages for my extrovert husband and friends to read since they don’t always find my introvert qualities to be especially endearing.
Nothing earth-shattering here, but I think most introverts would find it worth a quick skim.
April 9, 2023
First, a disclaimer. I am not an introvert. However, most of the most significant people in my life do count as introverts, and know themselves as such.
When this book came my way, in 2002, I was curious to learn more about them, and also to be of greater service to my Energy Spirituality clients.
NO QUESTION, THIS IS THE BEST BOOK I HAVE SEEN ABOUT INTROVERTS
Marti Olsen Laney writes with authority and experience. Her recommendations are sound, her tone combining strength and kindness and an excellent sense of proportion.
For these reasons, I'm giving her book a rare spot on my HIGHEST PRAISE Shelf. That's in addition. of course, to FIVE STARS.
HERE'S A QUOTE THAT I DOG-EARED
Underlined it in red, as well, back in 2002:
From Page 57:
The main antidote to guilt is self-esteem. Tell yourself that you are not flawed. Nothing is wrong with you. Your brain works in another way. Mulling is a useful activity. It's good to be you.
Good advice for this non-introvert, turns out. Because good advice does tend to be good!
When this book came my way, in 2002, I was curious to learn more about them, and also to be of greater service to my Energy Spirituality clients.
NO QUESTION, THIS IS THE BEST BOOK I HAVE SEEN ABOUT INTROVERTS
Marti Olsen Laney writes with authority and experience. Her recommendations are sound, her tone combining strength and kindness and an excellent sense of proportion.
For these reasons, I'm giving her book a rare spot on my HIGHEST PRAISE Shelf. That's in addition. of course, to FIVE STARS.
HERE'S A QUOTE THAT I DOG-EARED
Underlined it in red, as well, back in 2002:
From Page 57:
The main antidote to guilt is self-esteem. Tell yourself that you are not flawed. Nothing is wrong with you. Your brain works in another way. Mulling is a useful activity. It's good to be you.
Good advice for this non-introvert, turns out. Because good advice does tend to be good!
August 1, 2011
I'm somewhere between E and I on the spectrum, and I have friends at both extreme ends, so I thought this would be an interesting and valuable book. I hoped it would, more like. But alas, it was not. The author lost me along about the time she started prattling on about "Hap Hits" which are things that increase a person's happiness or energy levels. The very term made me snort derisively, as did much of the rest of the book.
I can see that there's perhaps some valuable information here, buried under a flurry of pop psychobabble and self-quizzlettes, but I kept looking up from this book thinking I was trapped in a waiting room with a stale copy of Cosmopolitan. Superficial, light, feel-good twaddle, that's my verdict. You're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it... you're reading a crap self-help book again.
Bah, humbug.
I can see that there's perhaps some valuable information here, buried under a flurry of pop psychobabble and self-quizzlettes, but I kept looking up from this book thinking I was trapped in a waiting room with a stale copy of Cosmopolitan. Superficial, light, feel-good twaddle, that's my verdict. You're good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it... you're reading a crap self-help book again.
Bah, humbug.
November 14, 2011
I could pretty much sum this book up in one sentence: "You're an introvert, and that's okay."
Besides the repeated reminders that there is nothing psychologically wrong with you if you're an introvert, this book was pretty good. I enjoyed reading the defining characteristics of classic introverts and extroverts; it actually made me realize that my introversion explains a lot more about me than I would have originally thought. Who would have guessed that my dislike for chatting on the phone is a classic introvert trait? Or that, like me, most introverts function best with naps and frequent snacks? I would have never guessed that my emotional nature is common along introverts. Or that the reason I rethink how I approached a situation or what I should have said differently is likely because I'm an introvert. And that introverts are known for not being good at making split-second decisions. You get the point.
Before I make this seem like the best book in the world, I should warn you that it is full of A LOT of common sense. There are many "tips" on how to survive as an introvert in a world where 75% of the population are extroverts. Most of this tips are things that, if you have been successful enough in life to find yourself able to read this book, you likely already know, do, or don't personally need.
All in all, it was a nice reminder that I'm just fine the way I was made and that just because I may be in the minority of our population, I can still be happy and successful.
Besides the repeated reminders that there is nothing psychologically wrong with you if you're an introvert, this book was pretty good. I enjoyed reading the defining characteristics of classic introverts and extroverts; it actually made me realize that my introversion explains a lot more about me than I would have originally thought. Who would have guessed that my dislike for chatting on the phone is a classic introvert trait? Or that, like me, most introverts function best with naps and frequent snacks? I would have never guessed that my emotional nature is common along introverts. Or that the reason I rethink how I approached a situation or what I should have said differently is likely because I'm an introvert. And that introverts are known for not being good at making split-second decisions. You get the point.
Before I make this seem like the best book in the world, I should warn you that it is full of A LOT of common sense. There are many "tips" on how to survive as an introvert in a world where 75% of the population are extroverts. Most of this tips are things that, if you have been successful enough in life to find yourself able to read this book, you likely already know, do, or don't personally need.
All in all, it was a nice reminder that I'm just fine the way I was made and that just because I may be in the minority of our population, I can still be happy and successful.
March 3, 2017
if you can't sleep quickly as your friend, or if you needed less caffeine to wake up than him/her, or maybe if you're silent most of the time but your friend is the opposite.. then you're probably an introvert!
have you ever needed time to answer rather than answer quickly? do you hate parties? when anyone asks you a question out of blue, have you felt that your brain went blank? it's okay, nothing is wrong with you, your brain is just different, because you're an intovert!
-----
in this book, you'll get a good amount of information about introverts.. how they behave, why they behave like that, and what to do?
So, if you're an extrovert, read this book to know who around you is introvert, and if you're introvert, it's good to know your self more and not to feel like you don't fit in or worse you feel that something is wrong with you!
----
One of the greatest gift you can give to an introvert is to underdstand them, justify their actions and be helpful to them rather than a burden on them!
I have an extrovert friend, who didn't read any books about introverts but she understands me .. you don't know how happy I feel when she says I'm going to shopping and I'm going to make it quick so we can meet afterward and have a cup of coffee together in a quite place, or I'm going out with friends but you can say no and we can watch movie together after I return!
Introverts want to have a good time, but they can't have it around a lot of people, so, if your friend understands that, it's a great relief to the introvert!
---
why 4? because the author said she'd mention Myers Brigg and didn't! and many times she mentioned things that didn't apply to introverts only, it's related to the traits based on Myers Brigg like P trait which means that the person with this trait is more flexible, and it applies on introvert and extrovert, but in the book she didn't mention that some introverts are flexible ..and many other examples!
have you ever needed time to answer rather than answer quickly? do you hate parties? when anyone asks you a question out of blue, have you felt that your brain went blank? it's okay, nothing is wrong with you, your brain is just different, because you're an intovert!
-----
in this book, you'll get a good amount of information about introverts.. how they behave, why they behave like that, and what to do?
So, if you're an extrovert, read this book to know who around you is introvert, and if you're introvert, it's good to know your self more and not to feel like you don't fit in or worse you feel that something is wrong with you!
----
One of the greatest gift you can give to an introvert is to underdstand them, justify their actions and be helpful to them rather than a burden on them!
I have an extrovert friend, who didn't read any books about introverts but she understands me .. you don't know how happy I feel when she says I'm going to shopping and I'm going to make it quick so we can meet afterward and have a cup of coffee together in a quite place, or I'm going out with friends but you can say no and we can watch movie together after I return!
Introverts want to have a good time, but they can't have it around a lot of people, so, if your friend understands that, it's a great relief to the introvert!
---
why 4? because the author said she'd mention Myers Brigg and didn't! and many times she mentioned things that didn't apply to introverts only, it's related to the traits based on Myers Brigg like P trait which means that the person with this trait is more flexible, and it applies on introvert and extrovert, but in the book she didn't mention that some introverts are flexible ..and many other examples!
June 11, 2019
This was aggressively not good or particularly useful, but I got it out of my unread folder and now I can write some BS about it on my mid-year work review.
July 27, 2011
وصلت لنصفه فقط، ثم لم أعد أحتمل الاكمال فقررت التوقف، فكثرة الحشو و الكلام جعلته كتابا مملا لا يمكنني تجرعه.0
الكتاب يتحدث عن الانطوائيين
و كما قال سالم في تعليقه
الفصول الثلاثة أو الأربعة الأولى هي الأكثر فائدة، فهي أشبه بتحليل لشخصية الانطوائي الذي يستمد طاقته من الهدوء و امضاء بعض الوقت وحده و ما الذي يختلف فيه عن المنبسط الذي يستمدها من الناس و كثرة الفعاليات و النشاطات
و أيضا كيف يختلف دماغ كل منهما في التأثر بالنسبة لبعض التراكيب الكيميائية فيه
لكن الكتاب بعد ذلك ينقلب إلى كتاب تطوير للذات ذي مستوى ضعيف كما قال سالم
لغة الكتاب بسيطة و الشرح أقرب للسذاجة و هي قد تعمدت أن تبسطه لأن المنطوي على حد تعبيرها سرعان ما يمتلئ و يـُحاط به و كأنه يكاد يـُغمر لكثرة المعلومات، و هذا صحيح، و لكن ليس معنى هذا أن تبسطه لهذا الحد المخل جدا، ثم تثرثر بما لا طائل منه... حتى لتساءلت هل يطلب الناشرون من الكتـّاب عدد صفحات معين، فيضطرون لملئها كيفما اتفق؟
ربما...0
يعني يمكن اختصار هذه الثلاثمئة صفحة إلى خمس و سبعين...0
بأية حال كما ذكرت قبلا لم أجد الكتاب كثير الفائدة ربما لأني قرأته الآن و أنا في هذا العمر بعد أن تدبرت أمري في هذا العالم الصاخب و أوجدت استراتيجاتي الخاصة
لكن أهم ما تعلمته منه هو كيف يفكر المنبسط أو المنفتح (لا أدري ما هي الكلمة الأفضل لترجمتها)0
على الأقل سأتوقف عن نعت الناس الذين يحبون الحفلات بالمجانين
و لم يحب الناس الاكثار من اللقاءات و التجمعات و الاستقبالات و حتى السيرانات
و أيضا فهمت لم كثير من الناس يعتبر السجن الانفرادي من العذاب الأليم، قد يصل به الأمر إلى أن يبدأ بضرب رأسه بالجدار و شجه من شدة العذاب الذي يشعره
تخيلت أنه يشبه تماما فيما لو حكم علي في أن أتواجد في حفلة مزدحمة لأيام أو أسابيع
ينتهي المرء بضرب رأسه فعلا
على كل أحسب الكتاب سيناسب أكثر فئتين من الناس
الأنطوائيين دون الـ 23 أو ربما حتى أقل، على حسب تجربتهم بالحياة...0
و أيضا سيناسب أولئك المنبسطين المنفتحين لفهم طبيعة الانطوائي و تقبله و عدم الضغط عليه لتغييره في حال كان لديهم أحد من أفراد العائلة كذلك أو الاصدقاء...0
-
الكتاب يتحدث عن الانطوائيين
و كما قال سالم في تعليقه
الفصول الثلاثة أو الأربعة الأولى هي الأكثر فائدة، فهي أشبه بتحليل لشخصية الانطوائي الذي يستمد طاقته من الهدوء و امضاء بعض الوقت وحده و ما الذي يختلف فيه عن المنبسط الذي يستمدها من الناس و كثرة الفعاليات و النشاطات
و أيضا كيف يختلف دماغ كل منهما في التأثر بالنسبة لبعض التراكيب الكيميائية فيه
لكن الكتاب بعد ذلك ينقلب إلى كتاب تطوير للذات ذي مستوى ضعيف كما قال سالم
لغة الكتاب بسيطة و الشرح أقرب للسذاجة و هي قد تعمدت أن تبسطه لأن المنطوي على حد تعبيرها سرعان ما يمتلئ و يـُحاط به و كأنه يكاد يـُغمر لكثرة المعلومات، و هذا صحيح، و لكن ليس معنى هذا أن تبسطه لهذا الحد المخل جدا، ثم تثرثر بما لا طائل منه... حتى لتساءلت هل يطلب الناشرون من الكتـّاب عدد صفحات معين، فيضطرون لملئها كيفما اتفق؟
ربما...0
يعني يمكن اختصار هذه الثلاثمئة صفحة إلى خمس و سبعين...0
بأية حال كما ذكرت قبلا لم أجد الكتاب كثير الفائدة ربما لأني قرأته الآن و أنا في هذا العمر بعد أن تدبرت أمري في هذا العالم الصاخب و أوجدت استراتيجاتي الخاصة
لكن أهم ما تعلمته منه هو كيف يفكر المنبسط أو المنفتح (لا أدري ما هي الكلمة الأفضل لترجمتها)0
على الأقل سأتوقف عن نعت الناس الذين يحبون الحفلات بالمجانين
و لم يحب الناس الاكثار من اللقاءات و التجمعات و الاستقبالات و حتى السيرانات
و أيضا فهمت لم كثير من الناس يعتبر السجن الانفرادي من العذاب الأليم، قد يصل به الأمر إلى أن يبدأ بضرب رأسه بالجدار و شجه من شدة العذاب الذي يشعره
تخيلت أنه يشبه تماما فيما لو حكم علي في أن أتواجد في حفلة مزدحمة لأيام أو أسابيع
ينتهي المرء بضرب رأسه فعلا
على كل أحسب الكتاب سيناسب أكثر فئتين من الناس
الأنطوائيين دون الـ 23 أو ربما حتى أقل، على حسب تجربتهم بالحياة...0
و أيضا سيناسب أولئك المنبسطين المنفتحين لفهم طبيعة الانطوائي و تقبله و عدم الضغط عليه لتغييره في حال كان لديهم أحد من أفراد العائلة كذلك أو الاصدقاء...0
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August 31, 2012
Every once in a while I come across a book that significantly alters my perspective, and very rarely, even changes my life. The Introvert Advantage is one of these rare gems. It explained me to me! All of the weird things I do, how I get tired in crowds, how I dread going out, and will avoid social events if I can. I'm always the first person to leave the party! How small talk is a sincere struggle for me, but bring up a topic I'm interested in and I'll talk your ear off. It's amazing the gift this book has given me and the people I love, because now I have the tools to explain me to them! Loved it, loved it, loved it. If you suspect you're an introvert, I HIGHLY recommend this one!!!!
September 11, 2008
I’ve known for a long time now that I’m an introvert—a person who’s easily drained by social situations and who needs lots of quiet, reflective time in order to recharge. Nobody really seems to be exactly sure as to the number of introverts in the world today, but this book puts it at about 25% of the population. Extroverts (who have an outside focus and who get their energy by being around lots of other people) are far more common. Because we’re so greatly outnumbered, and because we don’t often speak up, introverts have become a rather misunderstood group. Dr. Laney is working to change that.
She points out that, contrary to popular opinion, introverts are not anti-social. We need relationships just like everyone else, only we need fewer of them and we need them to be deep. We enjoy one-on-one conversation, especially on subjects we’re passionate about.
Reading this book was like reading an Alaythia manual. :P It explained so many things that are common among introverts that I always just thought were personal quirks. For instance, introverts are easily overstimulated and we like to have our own personal space. (This explains why I sometimes want to scream when my two-year-old has been using me as her own personal jungle gym for any length of time during the day.) The blood flow in an introvert’s brain takes a much longer, meandering path than blood flow in that of an extrovert’s. It’s one of the reasons we’re not that great at small talk—we need lots of time to process. We don’t tend to voice our opinions on a matter unless we feel we’re experts on the subject. We also store more information in our long term memory and because of that, we can forget things we like and/or things that we’re good at unless there’s some prompt there to help us remember.
There were other things, of course, but I don’t want to recite the entire book to you. If you’re an introvert and you’re interested in learning more about why you are the way you are, read this book. It was eye-opening for me. : )
She points out that, contrary to popular opinion, introverts are not anti-social. We need relationships just like everyone else, only we need fewer of them and we need them to be deep. We enjoy one-on-one conversation, especially on subjects we’re passionate about.
Reading this book was like reading an Alaythia manual. :P It explained so many things that are common among introverts that I always just thought were personal quirks. For instance, introverts are easily overstimulated and we like to have our own personal space. (This explains why I sometimes want to scream when my two-year-old has been using me as her own personal jungle gym for any length of time during the day.) The blood flow in an introvert’s brain takes a much longer, meandering path than blood flow in that of an extrovert’s. It’s one of the reasons we’re not that great at small talk—we need lots of time to process. We don’t tend to voice our opinions on a matter unless we feel we’re experts on the subject. We also store more information in our long term memory and because of that, we can forget things we like and/or things that we’re good at unless there’s some prompt there to help us remember.
There were other things, of course, but I don’t want to recite the entire book to you. If you’re an introvert and you’re interested in learning more about why you are the way you are, read this book. It was eye-opening for me. : )
July 6, 2008
On the back cover it says, “Filled with Aha! Moments.”
It is true, as an Introvert, I had many of these reading this book. I scrapbook with a group of wonderful girls. One time Christine brought this book. We took the quiz and all but one of us are introverts. It was fun to realize that about each other and maybe it is why we all get along so well, we can understand each other. One of my Aha moments, was I hate to make phone calls. Apparently this is a situation many introverts face. It made me feel less weird.
I have learned a lot about personality types for years now and read many different books, mostly focusing on the Myers/Briggs test. It is really interesting because I was an INFJ when I first was married and now I am and ISFJ. You can take the test yourself at mypersonality.info
This was the first book I had seen or read about introverts specifically. It was wonderful to read. It has helped me to understand more about myself and also my son who is an introvert as well. I think it has also helped me to better understand my husband who is an extrovert, because it does have a section about introvert/extrovert couples.
So I recommend The Introvert Advantage to any introvert, or anyone who deals with an introvert on a frequent basis (family member, colleague) Some of my other favorite personality books are Nurture by Nature and MotherStyles , both parenting books. The first focuses on your children’s personality styles and how to help them, the second focuses on your personality and how to use your strengths as a mother.
I think understanding your personality style and those around you can help you in your relationships. :) Enjoy!
It is true, as an Introvert, I had many of these reading this book. I scrapbook with a group of wonderful girls. One time Christine brought this book. We took the quiz and all but one of us are introverts. It was fun to realize that about each other and maybe it is why we all get along so well, we can understand each other. One of my Aha moments, was I hate to make phone calls. Apparently this is a situation many introverts face. It made me feel less weird.
I have learned a lot about personality types for years now and read many different books, mostly focusing on the Myers/Briggs test. It is really interesting because I was an INFJ when I first was married and now I am and ISFJ. You can take the test yourself at mypersonality.info
This was the first book I had seen or read about introverts specifically. It was wonderful to read. It has helped me to understand more about myself and also my son who is an introvert as well. I think it has also helped me to better understand my husband who is an extrovert, because it does have a section about introvert/extrovert couples.
So I recommend The Introvert Advantage to any introvert, or anyone who deals with an introvert on a frequent basis (family member, colleague) Some of my other favorite personality books are Nurture by Nature and MotherStyles , both parenting books. The first focuses on your children’s personality styles and how to help them, the second focuses on your personality and how to use your strengths as a mother.
I think understanding your personality style and those around you can help you in your relationships. :) Enjoy!
March 26, 2015
Marti Laney speaks my language! Introversion is not a condition, it is nature and not nurture. This was one long, 300-page validation of the fact that I am not alone. All those years thinking the extroverts of the world had something I didn't, and being sent the unmistakable message within our extrovert culture that I am the odd one out for "not coming out of my shell." Not so! Especially interesting to me is the underlying science of neural pathways (shorter in extroverts) in the brain that explains the differences in processing external stimuli. Introversion is not shyness, and I am not shy. I also love people, I just have to take them in doses.
For me talking is about exchanging complex thoughts and listening, while for others it's about competition and stimulation. Extroverts like me because I am willing to listen as they think out loud and express, express, express. But sometimes I myself prefer like-minded introvert types, especially for feeling heard and understood. This book largely provides tips and advice for coping in an extroverted world, including how-to's for relationship success. The author provides vivid examples and is calming and reassuring. More people would benefit from understanding the gifts, abilities, and needs of introverts, who are far too often underestimated and misunderstood.
For me talking is about exchanging complex thoughts and listening, while for others it's about competition and stimulation. Extroverts like me because I am willing to listen as they think out loud and express, express, express. But sometimes I myself prefer like-minded introvert types, especially for feeling heard and understood. This book largely provides tips and advice for coping in an extroverted world, including how-to's for relationship success. The author provides vivid examples and is calming and reassuring. More people would benefit from understanding the gifts, abilities, and needs of introverts, who are far too often underestimated and misunderstood.
September 5, 2012
3.5/5; 4 stars; B+
I would highly recommend this book to a young person who has never had a chance to learn how this aspect of their temperament shapes a lot of their experiences in their personal and professional lives. I really enjoyed the first part of the book where Dr. Laney talks about what introverts are like. It was pretty funny. Or maybe I only thought it was funny because I could see so much of myself in there?? Its strange to hear that introverts are often likened to tortoises and connect that to my unfortunate childhood nickname, 'Torta'. Huh!
My main reason for reading this book was to expand my parenting skills. Since my son is even more introverted than me, it seemed like a good idea to get some more 'book learning' on the subject. Having grown up as an Introvert in a large, noisy, extroverted family, I am well aware of how it 'shouldn't' go.
The parenting section of this book was good and well worth the time. This isn't a book that needs to be read cover to cover, and, in fact, I pretty much skipped the dating and goal setting sections. That being said, there was a lot of information in there that would helpful to someone who hasn't read any much in the way of personal development books.
All in all, a good book with a good section of references for anyone who wants to read more in the various subject areas.
I would highly recommend this book to a young person who has never had a chance to learn how this aspect of their temperament shapes a lot of their experiences in their personal and professional lives. I really enjoyed the first part of the book where Dr. Laney talks about what introverts are like. It was pretty funny. Or maybe I only thought it was funny because I could see so much of myself in there?? Its strange to hear that introverts are often likened to tortoises and connect that to my unfortunate childhood nickname, 'Torta'. Huh!
My main reason for reading this book was to expand my parenting skills. Since my son is even more introverted than me, it seemed like a good idea to get some more 'book learning' on the subject. Having grown up as an Introvert in a large, noisy, extroverted family, I am well aware of how it 'shouldn't' go.
The parenting section of this book was good and well worth the time. This isn't a book that needs to be read cover to cover, and, in fact, I pretty much skipped the dating and goal setting sections. That being said, there was a lot of information in there that would helpful to someone who hasn't read any much in the way of personal development books.
All in all, a good book with a good section of references for anyone who wants to read more in the various subject areas.
April 6, 2017
i did the test added to check how introverted i am because i already knew i'm an introvert and the result was that i'm more on the side of very introverted.but as i read on i started to doubt this because,as the author claim,introverts are slow walkers and slow talkers which is way far from truth considering me. i tend to speak and walk faster than normal people.its kind of insulting to tell someone he/she is a slow to speak because he/she is slow to think.
there is an obvious lack of references and the author uses her personal experience mainly.secondly she uses data she gathered from interviews but i don't think its enough.
the author emphasizes the fact that introverts ways of refueling energy is different than extroverts so they need some "alone time" to recharge their batteries. this is true but then the energy talk becomes boring.its not like i need a nap every time i meet with people.
on the other hand,the book includes valuable information about introverts' patterns of behaving and suggests creative solutions to maneuver the world. though i really hate the advice breathe i have read it as a solution for nearly every problem and it never works for me.
i think some of her ideas works for everyone not just introverts.it is nice to read a book to help you get to know your self better.
there is an obvious lack of references and the author uses her personal experience mainly.secondly she uses data she gathered from interviews but i don't think its enough.
the author emphasizes the fact that introverts ways of refueling energy is different than extroverts so they need some "alone time" to recharge their batteries. this is true but then the energy talk becomes boring.its not like i need a nap every time i meet with people.
on the other hand,the book includes valuable information about introverts' patterns of behaving and suggests creative solutions to maneuver the world. though i really hate the advice breathe i have read it as a solution for nearly every problem and it never works for me.
i think some of her ideas works for everyone not just introverts.it is nice to read a book to help you get to know your self better.
October 10, 2020
I learned thing about introverts. The biggest thing is that the brain path for informatin is different from introverts and extroverts. It takes longer and the path is longer for info to get processed by introverts. That introverts have better memories. Covers relationships, parenting, socializing and the workplace; the importance of Personal Pacing, Priorities, and Parameters. Being an 60% Extrovert/40% Introvert I found some of this applitable to me. A good book to read on Introvert/Extrovert relationships and the value of Introverts.
December 15, 2017
This unseated "The Art of Not Giving a F*ck" as my self-help of the year. I guess since it did not come out in 2017, F*ck can win for best self-help of 2017--but this book was fantastic and is extremely helpful for both introverts and extroverts to read. The science and biology part was fascinating, the tips helpful, and I have a better understanding of how to more peacefully (and productively) co-exists with friends, family, and co-workers!
April 6, 2009
It's weird when you find a book that explains so much about you in such weird but spot-on detail.
There is a huge, intricately woven, probably 15-year backstory to why this book is turning out to be so important to me, but I will say that as I'm reading (I'm about 2/3 through as I write this), I'm coming across all sorts of kernels that perfectly reflect some of the bumps I've encountered in life. For example:
• "Most introverts need their own space because they tend to be territorial."
• "Introverts often do so much thinking ahead of time that when they add a comment in a meeting it can be out of sync with what's happening at the moment. Or, because of their different thinking style, they may state the middle of their idea or just the final thought. After they realize that what they have said doesn't fit with the timing of the group or is a little confusing to people, they often conclude that they don't express themselves well and may stop talking altogether."
• "Often, if introverts feel bad after venturing out into the extrovert world, it is the voice in their head, not something that actually happened, which is the source of the problem."
This is all giving me even more food for thought as I've been doing a lot of pondering the last few months about all sorts of life topics. Of course, in classic introvert fashion, it has been really important to have a lot of alone time to do this thinking, meaning there are lots of people I know who probably think I've died. : )
Inside the book, the first section is about what being an introvert means, from behaviors to brain chemistry (introverts have thoughts that take "the long way around" the brain); the second section focuses on trouble spots introverts may encounter, from dating to the workplace; the third section has helpful tips on how an introvert can still get what they need in an extrovert society.
What is particularly frustrating for me currently is that I am in a workplace situation that has a negative view of introversion. Because the few introverts who work there don't get a lot of downtime to mull over the sensory overload we experience every day, we can't recharge, our communication may suffer, and then we have a hard time explaining ourselves in an office culture (and societal culture, really) that doesn't get it.
Ultimately, I think I'm learning about myself from this book, which will hopefully enable me to make life choices that will work for me, instead of trying to make the best of one bad situation after another.
There is a huge, intricately woven, probably 15-year backstory to why this book is turning out to be so important to me, but I will say that as I'm reading (I'm about 2/3 through as I write this), I'm coming across all sorts of kernels that perfectly reflect some of the bumps I've encountered in life. For example:
• "Most introverts need their own space because they tend to be territorial."
• "Introverts often do so much thinking ahead of time that when they add a comment in a meeting it can be out of sync with what's happening at the moment. Or, because of their different thinking style, they may state the middle of their idea or just the final thought. After they realize that what they have said doesn't fit with the timing of the group or is a little confusing to people, they often conclude that they don't express themselves well and may stop talking altogether."
• "Often, if introverts feel bad after venturing out into the extrovert world, it is the voice in their head, not something that actually happened, which is the source of the problem."
This is all giving me even more food for thought as I've been doing a lot of pondering the last few months about all sorts of life topics. Of course, in classic introvert fashion, it has been really important to have a lot of alone time to do this thinking, meaning there are lots of people I know who probably think I've died. : )
Inside the book, the first section is about what being an introvert means, from behaviors to brain chemistry (introverts have thoughts that take "the long way around" the brain); the second section focuses on trouble spots introverts may encounter, from dating to the workplace; the third section has helpful tips on how an introvert can still get what they need in an extrovert society.
What is particularly frustrating for me currently is that I am in a workplace situation that has a negative view of introversion. Because the few introverts who work there don't get a lot of downtime to mull over the sensory overload we experience every day, we can't recharge, our communication may suffer, and then we have a hard time explaining ourselves in an office culture (and societal culture, really) that doesn't get it.
Ultimately, I think I'm learning about myself from this book, which will hopefully enable me to make life choices that will work for me, instead of trying to make the best of one bad situation after another.
September 26, 2011
I'm well aware that I'm introverted. I have family members who are both innies and outies, and the differences between the two types have always been obvious. I have always preferred reading or hanging out with one or two friends to parties and meeting strangers. The thing I've never did connect were the dots between personality type, energy levels and some of my quirks that seemingly had nothing to do with introversion.
Some might think that it is impossible to not know what temperament you have, but I have a friend who was told as a child that she was extroverted but has started to doubt the definition. The reason people thought that she was extroverted was that she was good with people, she grew up in a big family with lots of siblings and relatives who often visited and she is quite comfortable around crowds for some time. But, if she got her own way, she would rather spend time with just a few people at a time or do crafts. Things are not always easily defined. You can be extroverted in some ways and introverted in others.
The book is divided into ten parts, each dealing with an aspect of life like love, family and work and how to deal with it. Mostly the book deals with getting along with extroverts and to explain to them that things can't always be done their way. There is no one way to fix it, since there is no cookie cutter intro-person, but you get different suggestions to try out.
The first nine parts are about understanding your nature and understanding that there is nothing wrong with you if you don't thrive in the thick of social things like other people. The beginning builds up to the end which can make people either disappointed of relieved. The last part is about extroverting, how to save energy for your forays into stressful situations with a lot of people and excitement around you. You don't have to live as a hermit, you can go to parties and network just as well as any extrovert, but maybe not in the exact same way. Sometimes it is necessary to step out of your comfort zone - introverts and extroverts alike.
I think most introverts have done enought soulsearching to know what they are like. If you're a younger introvert, or a partner och parent to one, this is a easy read and introduction into how some people work. Not all things applies to all introverts, though.
Some might think that it is impossible to not know what temperament you have, but I have a friend who was told as a child that she was extroverted but has started to doubt the definition. The reason people thought that she was extroverted was that she was good with people, she grew up in a big family with lots of siblings and relatives who often visited and she is quite comfortable around crowds for some time. But, if she got her own way, she would rather spend time with just a few people at a time or do crafts. Things are not always easily defined. You can be extroverted in some ways and introverted in others.
The book is divided into ten parts, each dealing with an aspect of life like love, family and work and how to deal with it. Mostly the book deals with getting along with extroverts and to explain to them that things can't always be done their way. There is no one way to fix it, since there is no cookie cutter intro-person, but you get different suggestions to try out.
The first nine parts are about understanding your nature and understanding that there is nothing wrong with you if you don't thrive in the thick of social things like other people. The beginning builds up to the end which can make people either disappointed of relieved. The last part is about extroverting, how to save energy for your forays into stressful situations with a lot of people and excitement around you. You don't have to live as a hermit, you can go to parties and network just as well as any extrovert, but maybe not in the exact same way. Sometimes it is necessary to step out of your comfort zone - introverts and extroverts alike.
I think most introverts have done enought soulsearching to know what they are like. If you're a younger introvert, or a partner och parent to one, this is a easy read and introduction into how some people work. Not all things applies to all introverts, though.
September 21, 2011
I wish I'd had a copy of this book when it first came out. Scratch that - I wish I'd had a copy in high school. It would have made things so much easier.
The focus of the book is on coping mechanisms for introverts trying to survive in a world run by extroverts, but she begins by delving into the psychology and neuroscience of introversion - how our brains differ, why we spend so much time with our thoughts, and why extroverts have so much more energy. The overall message is that to live well as an introvert, we have to learn to pace ourselves and not try to "keep up" with the go go go extroverts around us. It's all a question of energy - extroverts are energized by external stimuli (they can't cope without it, in fact) whereas introverts are drained by the outside world. That, plus the fact that we use longer brain pathways to process information, access our long term memory more than our short term, and actually have a filter between our thoughts and our mouths - which makes chit-chat such a draining chore.
It's all a fascinating read, and it makes you realize that yes, you're not alone. Highly recommended for all the introverts out there. I'd recommend it to the extroverts too, but I doubt you were able to stop talking long enough to read this far into my review. [insert appropriate sarcastic emoticon here]
The focus of the book is on coping mechanisms for introverts trying to survive in a world run by extroverts, but she begins by delving into the psychology and neuroscience of introversion - how our brains differ, why we spend so much time with our thoughts, and why extroverts have so much more energy. The overall message is that to live well as an introvert, we have to learn to pace ourselves and not try to "keep up" with the go go go extroverts around us. It's all a question of energy - extroverts are energized by external stimuli (they can't cope without it, in fact) whereas introverts are drained by the outside world. That, plus the fact that we use longer brain pathways to process information, access our long term memory more than our short term, and actually have a filter between our thoughts and our mouths - which makes chit-chat such a draining chore.
It's all a fascinating read, and it makes you realize that yes, you're not alone. Highly recommended for all the introverts out there. I'd recommend it to the extroverts too, but I doubt you were able to stop talking long enough to read this far into my review. [insert appropriate sarcastic emoticon here]
May 11, 2010
I highly recommend this book. I had no idea there was so much science and biology behind introversion and extroversion. Introverts and extroverts actually have different pathways in the brain, and so many things that the author mentions make my habits and challenges fall into one cohesive whole.
Health issues, a deep need for moments of quiet and solitude, a tendency to spend long periods of time thinking and processing...all these things resonated so strongly with my life. I was astonished to find that I really am not alone and that there are solid logical and biological reasons behind so many of my tendencies and needs. Even the workarounds and the borrowing of some extrovert skills fit what I have done in my own life. Now that I know there are reasons for my needs, I feel far more confident about being different and about taking care of myself, even if the extroverts in my life can't understand why I can't keep up.
Oh, and it didn't hurt that the author mentioned a couple books that I love: The Highly Sensitive Person and Bird by Bird. :)
Health issues, a deep need for moments of quiet and solitude, a tendency to spend long periods of time thinking and processing...all these things resonated so strongly with my life. I was astonished to find that I really am not alone and that there are solid logical and biological reasons behind so many of my tendencies and needs. Even the workarounds and the borrowing of some extrovert skills fit what I have done in my own life. Now that I know there are reasons for my needs, I feel far more confident about being different and about taking care of myself, even if the extroverts in my life can't understand why I can't keep up.
Oh, and it didn't hurt that the author mentioned a couple books that I love: The Highly Sensitive Person and Bird by Bird. :)
February 17, 2013
A very helpful book clarifying the differences between introverts and extroverts, with an obvious emphasis on helping introverts understand, accept, and value their temperaments. It looks at the situational dynamics faced by introverts at home, work, socially, and individually, providing tools and exercises designed to address the unique needs of introverts. Recognizing that there are degrees of introversion, this books does a good job of raising awareness and allaying myth.
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