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The Love Habit: Daily Self-Care Practices for a Happier Life and Healthier Relationships
There's a secret that most people don't our self-image defines our relationship experiences with others. In The Love Habit, author and relationship expert Rainie Howard urges readers toward a better understanding of their relationships with family, friends, society, and themselves. Because a person's self-image directly influences their daily habits (emotional, mental, and physical), which then directly impacts relationships with others, Howard sets out to help readers change patterns that are no longer working for them. While many of us understand the effects of unhealthy relationships, we are often clueless on how to truly break free from them. This is because until we understand why people behave the way they do, and that we are actually subconsciously teaching others how to treat us, we are powerless at transforming this important area of our lives. To be in healthy relationships--whether with a friend, at work, or in a romantic partnership--we must first start with the relationship we have with ourselves. Without addressing this missing piece of how we relate to ourselves, we end up perpetually stuck in unhealthy friendships, romantic relationships, and more--but also engaged in a pattern of repeatedly inviting new unhealthy or toxic relationships into our lives. If you're ready to break free of the cycle of unhealthy relationships, The Love Habit is here to show you how.
200 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 10, 2024
6 people are currently reading
5242 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews
January 13, 2025
Summary: Learning to manage emotions, expectations, and relationships through daily habits enabling becoming the love one desires.
Rainie Howard believes good people can learn to become addicted to unsatisfying lives. As a result, they approach life from a victim mindset that attributes both happiness and lack of fulfillment to outside circumstances. In this book, she argues that one can transform from a victim to a “victorious creator” through developing a new set of habits, centering around the love habit technique. Specifically, LOVE is an acronym Howard uses that may be applied in a number of contexts:
L-Learn. Listen to and learn from oneself about goals, feelings, passions, hurts in a particular context.
O-Optimize. What results from my habitual response and what responses can I develop to care for myself and relate in healthy ways?
V-Validate yourself. What can you affirm about your strengths, gifts, and actions?
E-Experience. What does it feel like to be the person you desire to be in this situation?
She develops these ideas in three parts, the first of which is “Reinventing Yourself.” So often, nice people are mistreated. However, Howard maintains we allow this mistreatment, and teach people to treat us that way subconsciously. She discusses different personality expressions of this behavior. Reinventing ourselves involves letting go of our worries about others and how they think of us, which we cannot change. Rather, we accept responsibility for our own lives, evaluate how we want to be treated, set boundaries that reflect how we want to be treated, and write out a vision for how we want to experience our lives and relationships. This last includes a set of self-affirmations to use every day. Howard then deals realistically with the reality that this new self may not always fit in with our old friends.
The second part focuses on habit techniques to form a healthy self image. She emphasizes confident habits that build belief in and trust of oneself. These include trusting oneself, knowing and understanding oneself, allowing yourself to try new things, taking actions to support goals, becoming comfortable with being different, and surrounding oneself with positive people. She then applies these ideas in the areas of romantic relationships and one’s work context.
Part three focuses on discernment. Negatively, she discusses identifying deception and manipulation. I thought the principle of looking at patterns especially helpful. If a person mistreats others, it’s very likely they will mistreat you! Positively, she encourages intentionality, vision, confidence, seeking support and self-awareness. She coaches readers in becoming more influential through preparing one’s mind, nowing oneself, speaking one’s truth, and focusing on one’s strengths. She offers insights on using one’s intuitions. Finally, she concludes with a chapter on connection, including some wonderful insights from how she and her husband have grown in their love.
This is an excellent example of the genre of self-help books emphasizing the idea of “change your thinking, change your life.” Howard offers an abundance of practical insights into self-defeating behaviors, setting boundaries in relations, and discerning toxic people. And she recognizes the power of habit and how the exchange of good habits for bad is part of personal change.
However, as I read, it occurred to me that I was reading an outstanding example of moralistic therapeutic deism, which sociologist Christian Smith observed in a study of the beliefs of American youth. Yes, there is a God, but we change through our own thinking and moral efforts. God is a therapist who affirms our intuitions. I think the book offers a shadow of the substance of good Christian teaching on the transformative work of God through his grace in Christ. Through that grace we are reconciled to God and other. Our minds are renewed and God’s Spirit progressively bears his fruit in our character. Thus, he enables us to truthfully love others. And we approach work and all of life as calling.
What surprises me is that a Lutheran publishing house is the publisher of this work. The gospel of self-help seems the antithesis of the gospel of grace through faith. Self reinvention seems a far cry from salvation by grace alone through faith. But this seems a sad commentary on the dearth of good and compelling Christian instruction. Rainie Howard is right about malformed identities. She rightly recognizes the harms fallen people can inflict. Moreover, she recognizes our human dignity. But she grounds this in self rather than in being the redeemed image bearers of God. Her book is good as far as it goes. But where are those who speak with her practicality about the renewed self, renewed relationships, and renewed work in Christ?
_____________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.
Rainie Howard believes good people can learn to become addicted to unsatisfying lives. As a result, they approach life from a victim mindset that attributes both happiness and lack of fulfillment to outside circumstances. In this book, she argues that one can transform from a victim to a “victorious creator” through developing a new set of habits, centering around the love habit technique. Specifically, LOVE is an acronym Howard uses that may be applied in a number of contexts:
L-Learn. Listen to and learn from oneself about goals, feelings, passions, hurts in a particular context.
O-Optimize. What results from my habitual response and what responses can I develop to care for myself and relate in healthy ways?
V-Validate yourself. What can you affirm about your strengths, gifts, and actions?
E-Experience. What does it feel like to be the person you desire to be in this situation?
She develops these ideas in three parts, the first of which is “Reinventing Yourself.” So often, nice people are mistreated. However, Howard maintains we allow this mistreatment, and teach people to treat us that way subconsciously. She discusses different personality expressions of this behavior. Reinventing ourselves involves letting go of our worries about others and how they think of us, which we cannot change. Rather, we accept responsibility for our own lives, evaluate how we want to be treated, set boundaries that reflect how we want to be treated, and write out a vision for how we want to experience our lives and relationships. This last includes a set of self-affirmations to use every day. Howard then deals realistically with the reality that this new self may not always fit in with our old friends.
The second part focuses on habit techniques to form a healthy self image. She emphasizes confident habits that build belief in and trust of oneself. These include trusting oneself, knowing and understanding oneself, allowing yourself to try new things, taking actions to support goals, becoming comfortable with being different, and surrounding oneself with positive people. She then applies these ideas in the areas of romantic relationships and one’s work context.
Part three focuses on discernment. Negatively, she discusses identifying deception and manipulation. I thought the principle of looking at patterns especially helpful. If a person mistreats others, it’s very likely they will mistreat you! Positively, she encourages intentionality, vision, confidence, seeking support and self-awareness. She coaches readers in becoming more influential through preparing one’s mind, nowing oneself, speaking one’s truth, and focusing on one’s strengths. She offers insights on using one’s intuitions. Finally, she concludes with a chapter on connection, including some wonderful insights from how she and her husband have grown in their love.
This is an excellent example of the genre of self-help books emphasizing the idea of “change your thinking, change your life.” Howard offers an abundance of practical insights into self-defeating behaviors, setting boundaries in relations, and discerning toxic people. And she recognizes the power of habit and how the exchange of good habits for bad is part of personal change.
However, as I read, it occurred to me that I was reading an outstanding example of moralistic therapeutic deism, which sociologist Christian Smith observed in a study of the beliefs of American youth. Yes, there is a God, but we change through our own thinking and moral efforts. God is a therapist who affirms our intuitions. I think the book offers a shadow of the substance of good Christian teaching on the transformative work of God through his grace in Christ. Through that grace we are reconciled to God and other. Our minds are renewed and God’s Spirit progressively bears his fruit in our character. Thus, he enables us to truthfully love others. And we approach work and all of life as calling.
What surprises me is that a Lutheran publishing house is the publisher of this work. The gospel of self-help seems the antithesis of the gospel of grace through faith. Self reinvention seems a far cry from salvation by grace alone through faith. But this seems a sad commentary on the dearth of good and compelling Christian instruction. Rainie Howard is right about malformed identities. She rightly recognizes the harms fallen people can inflict. Moreover, she recognizes our human dignity. But she grounds this in self rather than in being the redeemed image bearers of God. Her book is good as far as it goes. But where are those who speak with her practicality about the renewed self, renewed relationships, and renewed work in Christ?
_____________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.
January 18, 2026
I listened to this on audiobook and it was pretty good. I leaved a lot about people pleasing and personality traits. A lot of truth was spoken and O think all young teenagers and young adults should read or listen to this book. It will prepare them on having healthy relationships and what to avoid. Overall, a good read and a self - evaluation 📕.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews