Figuring Shit Out: Love, Laughter, Suicide, and Survival

by Amy Biancolli

"Your life isn't over." My dad says this. "I mean, YOUR life isn't over. Beyond the kids. You'll go on living, doing things. This isn't it."

I know, I assure him. I have the kids. They need me. They're my life now.

"OK," he replies, then grunts—more of a brief hum. He only hums when he thinks I'm full of shit. Shockingly single. Amy Biancolli's life went off script more dramatically than most after her husband of twenty years jumped off the roof of a parking garage. Left with three children, a three-story house, and a pile of knotty psychological complications, Amy realizes the flooding dishwasher, dead car battery, rapidly growing lawn, basement sump pump, and broken doorknob aren't going to fix themselves. She also realizes that "figuring shit out" means accepting the horrors that came her way, rolling with them, slogging through them, helping others through theirs, and working her way through life with love and laughter. Amy Biancolli is an author and journalist whose column appears in the Albany Times Union . Before that, Amy served as film critic for the Houston Chronicle where her reviews, published around the country, won her the 2007 Comment and Criticism Award from the Texas Associated Press Managing Editors Association. Biancolli is the author of House of Holy A Family Portrait in Six Cracked Parts , which earned her Albany Author of the Year. Amy lives in Albany, New York, with her three children.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

245 pages, Paperback

First published September 9, 2014

Reviews

[Susan D'Entremont · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is difficult for me to objectively review this book because I am acquainted with the author and her late husband. I don't know them well - just in the "our paths intersect but never for long" sort of way. Kids go to the same school, but not in the same grades, to to the same church but not the same service, live near kids who are friends with her kids, etc. And, as Amy described in her book, her husband was a bit larger than life, a minor celebrity in the neighborhood, so I am sure I am more aware of them than they ever were of me.

But, TRYING to be objective, the book was good. Yes, it's a sad subject, but the book portrays it as disorienting and confusing as much as sad, so the book doesn't really bring the reader down. It is blunt and honest and a good read for survivors of suicide as well as anyone who has experienced loss (I guess that would be all of us). It is a reminder that even though you have no idea what you are doing or why things are happening, you can get through it. And it's OK to find humor in some of the aftermath. Healthy even. I loved how the author's extended family was able to make jokes about her widowhood.

The author describes an amazing family and friend circle. At times while reading, I felt jealous. Which then made me feel guilty. But even with all the huge supports she has, as well as 3 amazing kids, there are times that she feels horribly, terribly lonely. And she describes that contrast so well in this book.

Oh, and the book described the Albany that I know and love. A great city whose beauty is a bit hidden and takes some time to get to know.

[Erika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Go, Amy Biancolli, mother of three and sudden widow after her husband of 20 years jumps off a garage rooftop to his death. It's not his story, though; it's hers -- the tears, the guilt, the baked ziti left on her doorstep, the music shared with friends, the homilies, the reminder to tell herself "I will not kill myself", the prayers, the comparisons to Job, and the things she will never get to say to her late husband's face. It's all part of her attempt to figure shit out, or, as she calls it, FSO. Amy is endearing, funny, and human -- even as she is telling us about her family's past habits and traditions that no longer will be, she is laughing at herself and her friend's attempts to get her drunk, confessing her loneliness, her decision to forego shaving her legs, her desperation that might just lead her to join the nunnery... and her hormones, and the fact that her Man Radar needs to be adjusted.

You will laugh, and you will cry.

[Kevin Weir · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book!

Having lost my wife to cancer in 2011, I really could identify with Amy's story, and I was greatly encouraged by it. It was encouraging to find that I am not the only person who, despite being a committed Christian, was (still is?) furious with God for taking away the love of my life, to whom I was married for 33 years. Amy's honesty, zany sense of humour, and wonderful use of language made the book a pleasure to read.

I strongly recommend it to anyone who has suffered the loss of a spouse, or, come to think of it, to anyone who has lost anyone who was special in his or her life.

I suspect that I shall be reading it again quite soon.

[Brenda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book. Liked the way she weaved in her/the emotional, spiritual, familial, community and various other responses to the death of her husband. And I enjoyed reading all the local Albany references.

[Karen DeBonis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't believe I laughed out loud reading a memoir about surviving suicide, but I did. And I cried and I thought deeply. Anyone who has tragically lost a loved one should read this book-- you'll learn that you CAN survive and that the only blueprint for survival is the blueprint that you create to work for you.

[Barbara L. Turner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed, I cried and laughed some more.

Thank you for sharing your intimate story.

[Rebecca Angel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not sure how Amy kept me smiling and laughing amidst her tears, but she did. Beautifully written memoir about wading through grief.

[Laura Hoekstra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read many memoirs. This one will be on my “recommended reading” list as a Death Doula. It’s written with grit, humor and deep insight. Suicide is never painless.

[Wendi Enright · Rating 5 out of 5]

A remarkable reporter, author, and woman. I'm lucky to have met her.

[Rori · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first stumbled across Amy Biancolli while listening to NPR's Moth Radio Hour; she was telling a story (retold in this book) about her decision to remove her wedding rings some time after her husband died from suicide. The topic is heartbreaking, but what riveted me in listening to her was her frank introspection. Her story was poignant without being maudlin, humorous without being irreverent. I remember thinking that I wanted to look her up when I got to a computer, but as with most things that happen in those NPR "driveway moments" I got distracted and never got around to it.

Then I found myself in my alma mater's bookstore during reunion weekend and found Figuring Shit Out on the table of recent alumni publications. I realized immediately that this was the same lady I'd heard on the Moth and being irrationally enamored of All Things Hamilton, I had to buy it.

So glad I did. If you've heard her story on the Moth and loved it, read this. If you didn't, go listen to it and if you love it, read this. That beautiful honesty displayed there is expanded in all directions here as she recounts the first year (more or less) following her husband's sudden death. You will find yourself alternately laughing out loud and brimming with tears.

Yes, this is a story about a singular person's very personal journey through unexpected and early widowhood, but anyone who has gone through an occasional shit-storm and come through the other side will appreciate this, including the fact that sometimes all we can do in the face of our misery is find some dark humor and laugh, giving us the strength to keep on going.

Highly recommend this and hope to read more of Ms. Biancolli's words soon!

[Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

In case it's not obvious, Figuring Sh!t Out is not a book about a light or happy subject. Nonetheless, I have never laughed so often or so loudly while reading a book about something so devastating, and that's the genius of Amy Biancolli's writing. She made me cry plenty, too--don't get me wrong. But in this collection of short chapter snapshots of her life in the year or so following her husband's suicide, laughter reigns. "Maybe" she writes at one point, "laughter is it . . . Maybe laughter is the only bridge we have between the light and the dark, the joy and the pain." Maybe so. It's certainly often been a life raft for me. In any case, Biancolli has done something great here, perhaps showing the way (or A way) to others who may find themselves in similarly dire circumstances, and humbly and humorously contemplating quite a lot of weighty topics that should interest any of us as she does. In telling it like it is and was for her, she doesn't skimp on the swear words, by the way. For me, this is a selling point, and is more than appropriate for the subject matter at hand. If you disagree, the title should be a tip-off and you can't say you weren't warned, but you'll miss a very good book if you pass it up!

[Chris Witkowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly sad, hilariously funny, intensely honest, this memoir of the author’s first year after the suicide of her adored husband will leave you laughing and crying at the same time. Finding herself a single mom of three kids, suddenly confronted with having to deal with life all alone, Amy Biancolli, with the help of many, many friends and loved ones, somehow manages to figure s*** out, sometimes even having fun doing it. Indeed it is the ability to laugh that at times seems to be her saving grace. Additionally, a deep and abiding faith in God helps to pull her through that agonizing time. This is a beautiful, uplifting book and would surely be a comfort to anyone dealing with severe hardship. Even if you’re not having a hard time in life, this book is worth reading, simply for the pleasure of seeing how Amy actually figures it all out. Terrific writing. Highly recommend.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very moving and funny memoir, which you wouldn't expect from an accounting of widowhood.

It's a very easy read because it's roughly chronological and each chapter is only a couple of pages long. It's full of vignettes, dark moments, high points, prayer, transformation, and realization. (The author is devout, but she is respectful of secular folks and I think the parts of the book dealing with faith aren't done in a way that would off-putting to most secular folks.)

My favorite parts are whenever she tries to push herself out of her comfort zone, telling herself Go New Amy! Go! She also does a good job of not conveying a lot of self-pity in the book while conveying the force of her emotions and desires.

[Tim · Rating 5 out of 5]

A personal and intimate gift

Amy gives a very personal and intimate gift to the reader, courageously walking him/her through the swirl of her grief and disorientation in a surprisingly poignant and hilarious way. This is a very good woman and an exceptional writer that exposes what most work hard to conceal; the agony of loss, vulnerability, and surviving. The result is a must read, not just of those grieving today, but for all the rest of us who will be doing so tomorrow. Thank you Amy for letting us in and showing how strength is made perfect in weakness.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing and gut-wrenching. As a suicide survivor myself, I really related to things the author went/goes through. I found myself crying in public reading this book several times - quite without any warning. But it's not as if the author wallows in her grief or sadness or anything like that. She does a good job of explaining what she did to carry on, to make sure that her kids were getting on, etc. I was quite impressed.

[Geri · Rating 5 out of 5]

This widow's love story is about heart wrenching loss, but in a life filled with the continuing richness of children and community. If you ever wonder how would life go on, this book is a valuable roadmap. A real good read.

[Lynn Coffren · Rating 5 out of 5]

For such a serious subject - the loss of a spouse to suicide - this book conveys the pain of losing a loved one, adapting to a new phase of life through grief, vulnerability, faith, hope, and humor all at the same time. Highly recommended.

[Nancy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brutally honest, sad, funny, heart wrenching. Made all the more so because she's a local and we were aware of her story.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was a fan of the author before the book. Great movie reviewer. This is, obviously, a much tougher subject, but there are some laughs and I thought she captured her life in a vivd manner.

[Rachael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved the real-ness of this story. Not just " I was sad, then I was happy," stuff. I love her pieces in the Times Union, and this book did not disappoint

[William]

A good perspective on a difficult topic

[Liz Logan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Black humor at its finest. The author has had a lot of suicide in her life, and still is funny. She is now on my "will read anything by this writer" list.

[Nancy Cummings · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read! Fabulous!

[Anne C · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing memoir, and tribute to Chris... a tribute to all of us who knew and miss him.