500 Dates: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars

by Mark Miller

Now several years post-divorce, relationship expert and humorist Mark Miller has experienced more than five hundred first dates. In 500 Dates, composed of fifty-five humor essays, Miller features the highlights and lowlights of those dates.

Among the true dating tales and revelations you will find in this book are:

• How Miller and his date learned the limitations of a man being too emotionally expressive. (“Most guys consider revealing more about themselves emotionally and communicating on a deeper level nearly as enjoyable as falling face-first onto an ice pick—or spending the rest of eternity listening to Celine Dion music.")

• Miller’s realization that sometimes men have to pay a heavy price for their dates’ previous relationship behavior.("At least six different times, God has matched me up with a woman who has had a long history of wild, impulsive, passionate, no-holds-barred sex. She invariably finds something lacking in that lifestyle and decides to make a change. Starting with the very next man she dates. Who is invariably me.")

• Miller’s misguided social experiment to separate dating from status by spending less than $20 on the date, purchasing everything at a 99¢ store, and what he learned, as a result, about his date and himself. (“I realize now that on the journey of romance, thrift and creativity will take you only so far - for the rest of the trip, you'll need MasterCard.")

• Revealed for the first time the inner workings of a man's brain.
("Cerebellum. Responsible for coordinating movement and maintaining balance. Used primarily when a man has had eight beers and is endeavoring to make his way to the bathroom without tripping over the dog and pulling the fish tank over on top of them.")

• How Miller took his date to his ex-wife’s holiday party only to find his date and his ex-wife bonding like high school girlfriends. (“Pam would take Amy aside and present to her a list of all 273 of my failings, most of which, she confides to Amy, won’t become noticeable until month three of Amy’s being with me. Amy is stunned; she’d only been aware of 149 of my failings.”)

But 500 Dates is about much more than dating. Its humor essays also cover romance, relationships, breakups, attraction, the nature of love, and how both men and women view the art, science, expectations, and reality of courtship and turning courtship into something deeper and longer lasting in the twenty-first century. Throughout these essays, a portion of which were previously published in various media, Miller provides a sense of hope about one’s romantic prospects. Readers will find that the end of a marriage, even a long-term one, does not mean the end of romance—or one's sense of humor.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction

272 pages, Paperback

First published February 3, 2015

About the author

Obviously, six brief paragraphs cannot possibly begin to capture the scope and depth of my life experience. That would take a seventh paragraph, which I hope to add when I get the chance.

My first book, a collection of my humor essays on dating and romance, is scheduled to be published by Skyhorse Publishing on February 3rd of 2015. Its title: 500 Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars (http://amzn.to/1lsq2Yz).

I have been a nationally syndicated humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate. My humor essays have also appeared in “Playboy” and “Penthouse” magazines, and in “The Jewish Journal” and Jewlarious.com among others. I have contributed radio comedy sketches and original material to Premiere Radio Syndicate and to the Jack FM series of CBS Radio stations nationwide. I have contributed comedy material to Showtime, the Playboy Channel, America Online, “Weekly World News,” and to nationally syndicated cartoonists including “Bizarro”’s Dan Piraro.

This was preceded by a series of sit-com staff positions, ranging from staff writer to story editor to executive script consultant, to producer, on such shows as “The New Odd Couple,” “Diff’rent Strokes,” “She’s The Sheriff,” “The Munsters Today,” “The Carol Burnett Show,” (her more recent come-back effort), “Living Dolls,” “Together We Stand,” “What A Dummy,” “The New Hollywood Squares,” and Dana Carvey’s HBO Special.

I started my comedy career in the San Francisco stand-up comedy scene, where I wrote and performed my own stand-up act, sharing the comedy club stages and often doing improvisational comedy with Dana Carvey and Robin Williams. Encouraged by Jay Leno to move to Los Angeles, I became a stand-up fixture at the Comedy Store and Improvisation nightclubs. TV soon beckoned, and I became the first 4.0 perfect-score-from-all-three-judges winner on “Star Search.” Several TV talk show appearances followed. At the same time, I created special stand-up comedy material for Roseanne Barr, Rodney Dangerfield, Joan Rivers, Jimmie Walker, Gallagher, Jay Leno, Yakov Smirnoff, Garry Shandling, Jim Carrey, Dana Carvey and many others.

I’m currently developing an edgy new children’s sit-com called “Brokeback Daycare Center,” and sincerely hope both for world peace and for Scarlet Johansson to respect my restraining order.

Reviews

[Bunny · Rating 1 out of 5]

Received via Edelweiss in exchange for a fair review.

I tried. I genuinely, truly, really tried. Tomorrow makes a month since I started this, and I'm only 61% through it.

I requested this book because it sounds absolutely hilarious. Online dating is an absolute nightmare for all involved. Yes, there is a chance you will find someone compatible. Even if you don't end up married forever, you can have a lot of fun, or hey, at least get your rocks off.

There are specific "dating" websites for that, come to think.

But 97% of your encounters on dating websites, not so much with the chirping of birdies and chorus of angels upon meeting. And that is what I thought I was going to get here.

The stories that actually involved his online dating were few and far between. The majority were maybe one paragraph at best. They sounded like Yelp reviews of restaurants written by the woman who didn't get their extra ranch dressing on time*.

Despite this, I chugged on. Something has to come from this. According to him, he is a professional writer, as he said multiple times. A poor writer, which is why the shallow, horrible women of the world don't want to touch his penis. Because shallow.

Still going. Still going. Considering buying a new case for my phone. Played a few rounds of Matching with Friends. Reading. Reading. Texting anyone else. Reading.

[Women] also have it easier in the working world, they generally outlive men, they can charm their way out of traffic tickets, and they're constantly being offered seats on the bus, free perfume samples in department stores, and free admission to various nightclubs. No wonder so many men have sex-change operations. They want in on the good life.

Christ on a cracker. I'm done. I don't care if the next chapter starts the non-stop "funny" stories about women who live with 25 cats, women who brought their pet snake to dinner, women who made him take off his shoes before getting into their car, I don't care.

Mark Miller thinks he's funnier than he is. And I genuinely don't care whether he found love, or whether he's still trolling the 'net. I'm just thankful for location based online dating, and the knowledge that I will never be contacted by him for a date.


*If you've never heard of spr1ngs, I beg you to look it up. She has a serious thing about servers not bringing her ranch dressing.

[Jessica Macdonald · Rating 1 out of 5]

Skimmed the last half but I’m still counting it because I went through so much stress reading the first half lol
Absolutely horrendous. Weirdly bitter/incely, repetitive, and full of misogyny disguised as “observations.” Also like he just rants about Lindsay Lohan sooo many times, grow up!!! Also if you’ve been on 500 dates and NONE of them have worked then maybe you’re the problem?

[Ashleigh · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is so bad that I was excited to finish it so that I could write a scathing review. This guy may have been on 500 dates, but he must not remember most of them because he spends most of the book rambling on about who knows what. Not funny and not what it claims to be about.


Consider, instead: Couplehood or He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys or Data, A Love Story: How I Gamed Online Dating to Meet My Match

[Jennifer Ramsey · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book title and description were seriously misleading. I anticipated reading stories about, if not 500, a fair number of dates. Instead, I read about maybe three dates over the course of eight pages, and the rest was just made of the stereotypical joking about men and women being different. I got through it because it was an easy read, but if you want to save yourself the annoyance, I would stop about a quarter of the way through and just accept that you wasted previous time of your life.

[Kristin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sorry - either I lack any sense of humour or this was really really bad … I thought I would read about 500 different dates and experiences, or at least 100…nope - this was just a repetetive and boring book about the authors silly thoughts and bad humour!

[viva · Rating 2 out of 5]

Thank you!

[Jennifer Bailey · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dud of a book

[Matt Lohr · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a reluctant, bloody-but-unbowed veteran of the online dating wars myself (aah, who am I kidding…I'm a current combatant), I was primed for a uniquely insightful and interesting take on the online dating experience. Miller is a vastly experienced humor columnist and staff writer, but this book too often resorts to hackneyed points about men, women and relationships (men are ALWAYS thinking about sex, emirite, ladies?!?!) and doesn't engage enough with the actual unique properties of dating in the digital age. Why not more material about things like the struggles of crafting an enticing yet honest dating profile; the peculiar unwritten rules of online messaging etiquette; or the phenomenon of professional ringers, folks who are basically hired to entice online dating users into enough interest to coax them into paying for "premium" services? (Yes, such people do exist. I've seen "help wanted" ads for them on Craigslist.)

I'm still giving the book three stars because it's a very easy read, made me laugh more than a few times, and had at least a handful of moments of genuine insight. In one particularly touching anecdote, Miller recounts his day out with a humanitarian date who selected a surprising outing for their first date: delivering bags of groceries to homebound men with AIDS. Miller's thought on the day, which actually turned out nicely: "If you can save the world a little and love somebody a little, well, that's a pretty good day." Any book that includes a marvelous nugget like that is worth a little bit of your time.

[Kayla West · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love books like this. Ones that contain stories of the author's personal experiences or even the experiences of others which the author has meticulously put together in a way that allows one story to flow wonderfully into another. There is just something so real about books like this one. And after reading a bunch of fantasy fiction, which is my particular favorite genre, it is nice to sit down with something that can make me laugh or think or just enjoy what the author has to say.

The title and its description ultimately was what made me select this book. Just the concept of 500 dates intrigued me. And the fact that he wrote about a lot of his experiences with those dates. Throw in some references (okay, quite a few) to Jews, an ending consisting of fake articles which make perfect sense, and Barbie being his perfect woman, and I was hooked from the beginning.

This is a book I would gladly recommend again and again, because it truly is an enjoyable and entertaining read.

[PC · Rating 2 out of 5]

Although I have not had the pleasure of a date garnered via an online dating service, anyone that had ever been on a few dates with the opposite sex could understand and enjoy this sometimes very humorous book. Although I had the vague feeling that I had heard some of the more obvious comparisons between Male/Female personalities in jokes both in media and print before, it held true enough to cajole a laugh out of me. I could not help but wonder thinking of a particular date to which he referred in his book... how hilariously descriptive Mr. Miller might have been in his recounting of such an evening spent on one of my 'humanitarian' adventures rescuing, feeding and sheltering the unfortunate animals of his community? That, Sir!... is a sure method for weeding out the Men from the boys :)
With my thanks to Goodreads for this opportunity to enjoy.

[Eileen · Rating 5 out of 5]

500 Dates is truly funny. You could open to any page at random and it'll probably make you laugh. Any single, dating adult will recognize many of the scenarios and know he or she is not alone in the crazy world of dating. The author takes what can be a depressing, overly serious subject and injects it with humor, heart and insight.

Reading between the lines, between the laughs, it's apparent the author respects women. As a woman, obviously I appreciate that.

I don't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Apparently, I really needed this book. I recommend 500 Dates to anyone who wants to step back from the heaviness of the day-to-day and lighten up with a truly comedic take on romance.

[Mike · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. I think this was largely cobbled together from various articles, blog posts, and bits of a stand-up routine, and so it is pretty disjointed. The narrative bits about his dating experiments are ok; overall it reads like a pretty tame stand-up routine. Relationships and men vs women observational humor probably works better in a nightclub than in a book. The title is a little misleading too -- there are some stories specific to online dating but not a lot. Maybe the material wouldn't feel so tired if he managed to focus on that. Not sure I'd have finished this book if the writing weren't so simple that it went quickly.

*Full disclosure, I won a copy of this book in the Goodreads "first reads" giveaway.*

[Gretchen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an ARC from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

The beginning of this book was very funny, and I enjoyed hearing about the author's mishaps with online dating. About halfway through, though, I started to lose interest. I'm not sure whether there just wasn't enough subject matter to seem fresh for the whole duration, or if the author started trying too hard. A lot of the jokes as the book went on stopped being funny and came across as mean-spirited. I think hearing more about the author's backstory and how he got to this point would have contextualized things and made it more engaging for a longer period of time.

[Tan Clare · Rating 2 out of 5]

Strictly speaking a 2.5. I was expecting something along the lines of Aziz Ansari's "Modern Romance", but was sorely disappointed. Yes there were initial chuckles, but as the depreating and stereotype depictions wore on, it got way too cliched and eroded my appreciation for the book. Thankfully a bit of it was salvaged by Section Four's The Onion style pseudo news quirk reports, but by then it was too little, too late.

[Terry · Rating 3 out of 5]

500 Dates had its funny moments. It was interesting seeing the dating side from a man's perspective and from the on-line side. Thanks to Goodreads First Reads for the chance to read it. This was a fun easy read. Anyone just reengineering the dating world may appreciate some of the advice.

[Helene · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently won 500 dates on the great book review website goodreads. 500 dates is a very funny book about the 500 first dates the author has.not only is this book about his many 1st dates, but also about his experience, and how to turn courtship into a much deeper relationship also.

[Karissa]

Didn't finish.

[Sweetpea · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a free copy of this book from the Goodreads First Reads Program in exchange for an honest review. A humorous and insightful book, although I enjoyed the first half of the book more.

[Connie · Rating 3 out of 5]

FTC Disclosure: I received this book free from Goodreads hoping I would review it.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

See my review at http://www.thereportergroup.org/Artic...