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272 pages, Hardcover
First published February 10, 2015
So maybe you haven't read his book. Maybe everyone eventually realized that he used too many adverbs, or that he stole his whole climax from The Last Starfighter. Maybe you read some other book that got the Smekday Invasion wrong, or saw that animated movie they made about it. Whatever your deal is, you probably think you know all there is to know. And if that's what you think, you don't.
Ladies and gentlemen and ladygentlemen and gentleladies and gentlementlemen and mentlegentladies and gentlemenmenmenmen.
"Who wants a leader who wants to be a leader?" And I could see his point there. I've always sort of thought we ought to keep a close eye on anyone who wants power over others. But then the Boov added, "We want a leader who is just like us, but famous!" and he kind of lost me there. I want a leader who's a humble supergenius.
"The moon's core can fuel my time machine, so long as you do not mind me stealing power from your death ray, Funsize."
The garbage Boov waved a hand. "Oh, I was probably going to dismantle it," he said. "A death ray in the home is more likely to be used against a loved one than on your enemies anyway. Statistically."
"It won't even work. Time travel never works."
"It does not do?"
"No, I mean, look at all the stories in books and movies and whatever. You'll just end up being the cause of whatever you've gone back to prevent."
"Ahyes. I know these stories. I think that is a lazy author problem, not a time travel problem."
The authorities were talking about putting Dark J.Lo in jail, but then regular J.Lo spoke up on his behalf, and in the end he got off with some community service. I hear he changed his name to Rihanna to avoid any confusion.
"How come it's so easy for us?" I asked J.Lo. "Staying friends, I mean." . . .
J.Lo looked pensive. "I am thinking," he said, "that we are easy because you and me, we never did expect to understands each other. We are happily surprised every day to be friends at all. But with our own peoples . . . we cannot forgive their differentness."
"Home is where the hard is," said J.Lo. "As the humans say."
"Are billboard bluzzers usually this smart and helpful?"
NO.
"Not usualies," J.Lo agreed. "But this sort of thing can sometimes happen. If a robot is for too long frustrated at its job."
Bill was slaloming in and out of koobish's ears. They tried to nip at him as he passed.
"I don't understand that," I admitted. "Frustrated?"
J.Lo set down the pieces he was fiddling with. "Yes. Aslike . . . a robot who always wants to do, but it cannot do. When we wants to do something but cannot, that is when we think. When our consciousness awakes up and stretches its arms. That is when we imagine, and plan, and dream about the undone thing. Ignored for too long and not able to show anyBoov his message, Bill developed a bug. Some bad code. A . . . glitch."
I felt weird talking about Bill right in front of him like this. After he zoomed up the ramp to the bedroom, I said, "A glitch? Bill can think. Like he's alive. He might be as smart as a person--that's not a glitch."
J.Lo gave me a sad look. "Peoples are glitches," he said.
He returned to his work. "Their worlds do not want them," he continued. "A fox? It knows how to be a fox. Any koobish is the number one expert at being a koobish. But peoples? Boov and humans and Gorg and Habadoo and suchlike? We are the only ones who don't know how to be. Who do not know the right things to do."