Love Illuminated: Exploring Life's Most Mystifying Subject

by Daniel Jones

From the editor of the New York Times' popular "Modern Love" column, the story of love from beginning to end (or not).

Love. We want it. We need it. We pay it homage with songs and poems and great works of art. And when we lose it, there's no pain as intense or excruciating. For centuries we've been trying to figure it out, control it, or just get better at it. As the editor of a column about love for the New York Times, Daniel Jones reads thousands of stories about people's intimate relationships—the ones that soar, crash, or hum along, from the bizarre to the supposedly “normal.” It's possible that he's read more true love stories than anyone on earth. In Love Illuminated, he teases apart this mystifying emotion that thrills, crushes, and sustains.

Drawing from the 50,000 stories that have crossed his desk over the past decade, Jones explores ten aspects of love—pursuit, destiny, vulnerability, connection, trust, practicality, monotony, infidelity, loyalty, and wisdom—and creates a lively, funny and enlightening journey through this universal human experience that jangles the head and stirs the heart. 

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Romance, Essays, Love, Society, Self Help

227 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 4, 2014

About the author

Daniel Jones has edited the Modern Love column in The New York Times since its inception in 2004. His books include “Love Illuminated: Exploring Life’s Most Mystifying Subject (with the Help of 50,000 Strangers),” “The Bastard on the Couch,” and the novel “After Lucy.” Jones appears weekly on the Modern Love podcast and is a consulting producer for Amazon Studios’ show “Modern Love.” He lives in Northampton, Massachusetts and in New York City.

Reviews

[Jenny · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVED IT! Jones has been the editor of the New York Times' revered Modern Love column for 10 years, and the book provides a nuanced look at the ups, downs and nitty gritty of life, love and relationships in the modern world.

An excerpt I particularly liked:
"We all have failings and insecurities—physical and emotional scars—that we're trying to hide or at least de-emphasize early in a relationship. I can't say when the best time is to come clean and become fully vulnerable; no one can.

What I can say is what everyone already knows or should: Vulnerability is what love is all about. And vulnerability involves yielding control, revealing weakness, embracing imperfection, and opening ourselves up to the possibility of loss. Only when we open ourselves to the possibility of loss can we allow for the possibility of love."
—Daniel Jones, Love Illuminated

[Adelaide · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book, a Valentine's gift from James, and I was not disappointed. The Modern Love column is one of my favorite things to read, and it was fun to recognize references to pieces I've read in the book. I was also pleasantly surprised by how funny the writing was. Despite the title, this book doesn't take itself too seriously or aim to provide a secret insight we all need. It's mostly just amusing reflections on lots of very interesting stories of love.

[Shagufta · Rating 3 out of 5]

A year ago, I was in a bookshop in the Vancouver International Airport trying to pick a good read for my journey to South Africa to get married to my best friend. As I browsed the shelves, I came across a book called “Love Illuminated: Exploring Life’s Most Mystifying Subject with the help of 50,00 strangers” by Daniel Jones, who has been the editor of the New York Times Modern Love column for the last ten years. As I stood in front of the shelf debating whether I wanted to spend $20 on the book and whether the book would help me in my new married life, an announcement came on the PA system making a last call for the flight I was waiting to board, and so I dropped the book and ran. Since then, I’ve wondered about the book. Reading “Modern Love” is a weekly personal ritual and since I always benefit from reading the column’s stories, I was interested to know what reading thousands of essays from strangers worldwide over the course of a decade had taught Jones about love.

To pursue this question, a few days ago I borrowed the book from the public library and have been reading it steadily over the past few nights. Last night I finished it, and although I enjoyed the read, I’m glad this is not a book that I own. Despite the subtitle of the book (which uses the word exploration rather than lessons) I thought the book would be about love lessons and practical advice one could apply to their own relationship. Instead, the book is organized into ten chapters with each chapter title/subject being one of ten topics related to love. Because the book’s chapters are not structured very clearly though, at times it was not clear where the book was going and the lack of clear direction interfered with my enjoyment of the book.

The ten principles/topics are pursuit/finding the person for you, destiny, vulnerability, connection, trust, practicality, monotony, infidelity, loyalty and wisdom. Each chapter talks about the principle in question but the majority of each chapter is about the flip side of the principle; the things that take place in relationships when things go wrong. The chapter about pursuit for instance, talks about the rise of online dating and the people we miss meeting because we exclude entire categories of people in our preferences and matching algorithms.

My full review of this book can be found here: https://seriouslyplanning.wordpress.c...

[Lilyanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not very illuminating. I was expecting an exploration of the insights gained about relationships from the Modern Love columns. I suppose the book was that. But the author’s tone was inconsistent, and ultimately off-putting. At times he is completely sincere and personal, as when he is sharing stories about his own marriage or empathizing with the subjects of his columns. But at other times it is difficult to tell if he is being sarcastic or condoning the behavior of subjects who engage in questionable behavior in pursuit of “love.” The chapter on Vulnerability is a great example: he provides instructions on booty texting and hooking up. Is he being ironic? Playful? I don’t know! It would have been a different matter if he had been objective through the entire book, or nonexistent completely, as he is in his columns. Unfortunately, Jones is a better editor than he is an author.

[Nadia King · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pragmatic, amusing view of romantic love by NY Times editor, Daniel Jones.

"...as we poke, prod, analyse, and theorize, let's not get so carried away in our push for answers that we end up with a cold carcass on our hands. Let's try to embrace love's complexities as much as we try to explain them away. And let's make sure we step back every so often, with humility, to marvel at the mystery of what love does best: it helps us to be good."

[Chris · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’ve always enjoyed the Modern Love column in the New York Times, I suspect partly because as someone who finds the idea of a traditional relationship with his and hers towels and a white picket fence very off-putting, I liked the variety of relationships addressed and the fact that as often as not, they didn’t end with two people holding hands watching the sun set. In column form, Modern Love works great. In book form, not so much. Daniel Jones has an easy-to-read style, and he does a good job with the overall format of the book. The problem is that there’s just too much of it, and it all seems vaguely familiar. It’s a bit like watching the movie version of a short story you read years ago, you start to recognize things (or think you recognize things) and since you sort of know where it is going, it’s hard to maintain enthusiasm, particularly because in the reading, everything got where it was going faster. Another appealing aspect of the column is that you never really know where the story is going—in book form, you get all the endings. Nearly all these endings are happy, or at least positive (while they did divorce eventually…they stayed together for 15 more years, until the kids left home) and that was a little disappointing.

In the end, the book plays things too safe. Rather than explore love, as the title suggested, this book was more of a love cheerleader. According to the book, you should fall in love, but in a safe, organic and long-term compatible way after taking a few risks just so you don’t regret not taking risks. You should come up with some magically equitable way to share chores and last names. You should keep thing excited, but not in any way that might disrupt anything. And you should stick by each other no matter what. There were no risks, and other than a few quick mentions of gay marriage, some boilerplate remarks about how great it is, and admonitions about open marriages, nothing non-traditional. Even the story about a 30 year age gap turned into the older man staying by his wife’s hospital bed as she dies young (collective awwww… please). If this is your sort of thing, you’ll love it, but I think I’ll stick to reading the column.

[Raymond Hutson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Daniel Jones has given us one of the most enjoyable transparent texts on the subject, without being overly Psychoanalytic, Anthropologic, faith-based, or, thank God, Leo Buscaglia-ish. With his unassuming almost self-deprecating POV, and correspondence from 50,000 contributing readers, he helps his readers navigate the traditional as well as the modern scenarios that we are forever prone to entangle ourselves in as we struggle to find intimacy. A rare book on the topic that men will enjoy, not unlike spending an evening with an old friend who has become very knowledgeable on the topic of love. I wish I'd read it when I was twenty-five. Raymond Hutson, physician and author

[Misti · Rating 3 out of 5]

Jones, editor of the New York Times Modern Love column, reflects humorously on several of love's many phases and iterations. He often draws from his own life, but also includes anecdotes gathered from the many essays he has read over the years.

Having enjoyed Modern Love, a collection of some of the column's "greatest hits," I was interested in Jones' own thoughts on the topic. I mostly found it interesting -- the earlier parts of the book more so than the later. I would have liked to have heard more about the way editing the column has influenced his views on love. Mostly, I didn't come away from it feeling "illuminated," but I read it fairly quickly and it did keep my interest. I'd say it's worth reading, but don't go into it with high expectations.

[Priscilla Carina · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book seven years ago after seeing it in some magazine, where it caught my interest. Back then my English and my understanding of love were not good enough to grasp a fraction of what love and relationships really are about. Rereading it was an interesting experience because, I clearly forgot everything I read back then. In hindsight it’s an enjoyable book. The understanding of love varies when you read about it while being in a relationship or while being single. There’s that to say about it. And I, from my personal point of view, have learned a thing or two about me.

[Meagan Gardner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book! I think Jones has a great writing style, and I enjoy the personable & honest nature of his writing. I love all the perspectives this book gives, giving me some good things to think about & consider regarding love. I loved it enough to even buy a copy haha

[Ashley Evanson · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 ⭐️ There were a few nuggets of wisdom, but what I was really hoping for were more in-depth examples from the Modern Love column. Everything in this book was pretty generalized.

[Roozbeh Daneshvar · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are seeking love, this book could be useful. If you are in love, it could also be useful. If you are falling out of love, it could help, too. Yet, you might read it to the end and still feel that the book added nothing to you and you already knew (or could guess) all of it.

This is what I liked about this book: it talked about love, and covered many already known topics, but opened the different topics so well and arranged them into categories. One example: in a section he wrote about how many different ways you can choose the last name for your children + what are the pros and cons of each approach.

The book was so well-written that I mostly found it more entertaining than the fiction I was reading at the time. The author has written the book inspired by 50,000 letters they had received for New York Times' "The Modern Love" column (I also like that one, or used to like). So, I could say a lot has gone into this book.

This is my favorite quote from the book:

That’s the great thing about love; it’s never distant and hypothetical but always immediate and personal. And when we try to guess what we’d do based on hypothetical questions, we often underestimate our capacity to be able to adapt, to grow, and to love. We think: I could never do that. But when we find ourselves in the situation, we seem to find a way to do it. We’re stronger than we thought we were. Or perhaps we’re more attached than we ever imagined we could be.

I found this book amusing, eye-opening and fun (it could be the opposite for somebody else). I am bringing a few quotes that could give you a feel of this book.

There’s a fine line, it seems, between an admission of vulnerability and self-sabotage.

Many women I’ve heard from simply can’t continue to correspond with—much less agree to meet—a man who can’t spell or who writes in an off-putting style. One woman was so bothered by the guy’s habit of never capitalizing or punctuating his messages and relying on texting shorthand that she finally ended their brief flirtation by quipping, “You’re too lowercase for me.” To which he replied, “what do u mean”

When we intensify our focus—as online dating sites encourage us to do—we tend to lose our peripheral vision. We may gain a feeling of greater control over our love lives and a sense of mission, but at what cost?

We talk about “falling” in love, as if all the process involves is finding the right person, stepping off the ledge, and letting gravity do its thing. But for many, love is more about finding a right-ish person and then trying to figure out if what the two of you have together is enough or not. There seem to be, in short, two kinds of love—the kind you can’t deny and the kind you eventually come around to.

Reason and lust have their place in finding love, but if possible we also want to feel like our relationship was maneuvered into place by forces greater than our own humble brainpower and raging libido.

This increase in freedom, though, can bring with it a burdensome flip side. When we can choose anyone from almost anywhere and it’s completely up to us, the pressure to make the “best” choice can feel overwhelming, and the chance that we might later feel disappointed with the choice we make grows—at least during times of stress and conflict—because just look at all the others we passed up. And what’s most troubling, of course, is the possibility that we already missed out on the person we realize (in retrospect) we were meant to be with, only we weren’t mature or ready or whatever enough to know it, and now it’s too late.

When marriage is no longer about baby making, financial need, or acquiring another set of hands to help work the farm, we can be more demanding in terms of what the other person must bring to the table.

So what’s the appeal? For starters, low expectations. After all, it’s hard to have high expectations—or any—when you don’t even know the person. In contrast, Western marriages tend to begin with stratospheric hopes. We believe we have found true love at last, and now we finally can revel in our bliss. So as soon as dissatisfaction or unhappiness creeps in—and it will—we are surprised, upset, and maybe already contemplating whether we made a “mistake” we need to undo, and fast.

Even if you can’t imagine yourself marrying some stranger who was selected for you, there are still lessons to be learned from arranged marriage. The most important one I’ve seen is for us to approach love and marriage more humbly than we often do, with our starry-eyed expectations of lifelong romance and connection and great sex. We believe those things are requirements for love, the foundation of a successful marriage, the spring from which all good things flow. But we can very easily come to marriage with an abundance of connection and affection and then lose it, just as we can come to marriage completely empty-handed and build it.

As a natural skeptic of such services, I have now seen enough to make me a believer. Not in the magical powers of psychics and fortune-tellers, but in their ability to get us to pay better attention to the world we’re already living in, or sleepwalking through.

Vulnerability is what love is all about. And vulnerability involves yielding control, revealing weakness, embracing imperfection, and opening ourselves up to the possibility of loss. Only when we open ourselves to the possibility of loss can we allow for the possibility of love.

Some people share their anxieties and private shames immediately and indiscriminately, but vulnerability is more credible and effective when it’s rationed out and offered with humility, not sprayed scattershot.

A grand gesture is not a gaudy gift. Gaudy gifts tend to be more about power plays and bribery.

Cathi thought the idea of vowing something you might not be able to follow through on was dishonest at best. She thought saying words in a certain way just because billions of other people had said them that way was shallow and stupid. She also thought throwing your bouquet into a crowd of shrieking single women was sexist and insulting and ridiculous and she didn’t want to do it. She thought smashing cake into each other’s faces as everyone clapped and cheered was disgusting and wasteful; she loves cake (it’s basically her favorite food), and she wanted to be able to sit down and enjoy her cake like a normal person, not have it smeared ear to ear as if she were some drunken frat boy.

one change that seems all too clear is how the ease, control, and dazzling features of smartphones can make living our lives through them preferable to living in the physical world that surrounds us.

As expansive and liberating as online-only relationships can feel, they are as narrow as the cable that allows them to exist, and this narrowness can be like a tight-fitting sleeve that keeps the thing from busting out into something more. For some relationships, though, narrow is good. Narrow, in fact, can be everything.

Often the real victim in an open marriage is not the couple, who have each other to fall back on, but the outsider, who gets left out.

I’ve actually heard from people in open marriages mulling how many flings they were “entitled” to, based on their spouse’s track record so far—a level of bean-counting and pettiness that seems contrary to the whole notion of personal and sexual freedom and creativity that open marriage is supposed to be about.

according to research conducted by Salary.com, today’s average stay-at-home mother would bring in about $115,000 a year if she were to receive a paycheck for her efforts (a base salary of $37,000 plus a whopping $78,000 in overtime)—an impressive amount, to be sure.

Preaching selflessness in marriage isn’t the answer. Pursuing fairness is.

Feeling nostalgic about closeness forged during difficult times is a relatively common occurrence,

No one wants to relive the emotional trauma of a frightening diagnosis and treatment or the physical torture of a body-shattering accident. But many of those who have endured times of crisis would like to be able to recapture the feelings of connection, appreciation, and caretaking that bloomed in the midst of their misfortune. They believe that joint struggle brought out their best selves, and they’d like to find a way to access those best selves again. But you can’t fake a devotion test, even if you want to.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

My interest in the book came from listening to the NPR segment http://hereandnow.wbur.org/2014/02/12...

Most of the book is reflecting on the thousands of reader stories from the NYT Modern Love column. But this all breaks down in chapters seven (Monotony) and eight (Infidelity). Then the author breaks the working formula to present the tired, dated, judgemental and whiny attitudes of him and his wife, Cathi. Those two chapters ruin the book.
The author is definitely pro-monogamy and a bit of a misogynist. Women, to him, can be summed up by needing alone time with "cherished personal items: a little refrigerator that wouldn't always be raided by everyone, a window seat for reading and drinking tea, a yoga mat for exercise and meditation, and a single bed for sleeping." (p 125)

[Elisa Doucette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good compilation of wisdom from the popular column

As a devoted Modern Love reader, I was excited to see how Jones would share all the things he has "learned" about love. Overall, a great read if you want to explore a bit me about the world of love and its place in your life. The sections on monogamy and passion and cheating were a little off for me, but that could just be my own life/love experience affecting my read. The conclusion was interesting, do we feel love our choose love? Still contemplating that one...

[Ada-Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

More like 3.5 stars. I think this book would be better publicized as a group of essays. It was interesting, but didn't really hang together or have a cohesive point of view. I really enjoyed the look into virtual/internet dating, as I met my husband long before the widespread use of cell phones/texting, and the existence of Facebook, Twitter and Match, etc. I am looking forward to hearing the author at the JLR's Book & Author -- I think he will be a great speaker!

[Steam Breather · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lectura interesante y te hace ver todos los angulos que existen en una relación. El autor hace algunas clasificaciones para hacer mas sencilla la lectura, no hay que tomárselas al pie de la letra. Los ultimos capítulos son un loco aburridos. Pero aun así super recomendado para la cuarentena y como un entre a otros libros que exploran el amor y otros tipos de amor

[Peter Geyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recent times have been about wanting to read books that are an easy read, but still make you think, although not necessarily all the time.

Daniel Jones' topic is of observational interest more than anything else, particularly as what is claimed about relationships is not necessarily what many people do. Jones is a journalist who edits a relevant column in the New York Times and engagingly presents some of the results from his many thousands of correspondents. He mixes that op with observations and experience from his own relationship.

His style is breezy and gently critical at particular times and, while enjoyable, I wondered at one point how much was him and how much was the editor, something I've thought about before, because it did seem a generic style. The choice of topics is generally interesting; some aren't part of my personal experience, but that's not the point.

The book tends to tail off towards the end, and for me it's because he hands out solutions, which I think is unnecessary. I realise it's a generally followed approach, to the extent that in other fields the person who wishes to critique something is also required to provide a solution: to me these are two entirely different processes.

He also presents some labelled generic descriptions, calling them "personality types" which illuminates the flimsiness of this overarching label when used anywhere as it invariably brings an avoidance of depth.

Of course, Jones isn't claiming depth, as others elsewhere might under the same rubric. His writing is sharp and witty and there is some depth to what he says and comments he makes.

[Amelia.S · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Love Illuminated, Daniel Jones transforms a decade of reading others’ most intimate confessions into a poignant and witty examination of what it truly means to love. With the seasoned eye of an editor and the empathy of a fellow traveler, Jones dissects the stages of love from its electric beginnings to its inevitable reckonings with humor, humility, and a quiet grace.

His narrative voice, equal parts journalist and philosopher, turns everyday heartbreaks and triumphs into something profound. Each essay feels like a conversation with a friend who understands the chaos of modern intimacy but still believes in its worth. By framing love as both a mystery and a mirror, Jones reminds readers that even in its contradictions, love remains the most human of pursuits.

[Jen McDermott · Rating 5 out of 5]

Modern Love is one of my favorite New York Times sections. I love it for the realness and the heart, even in the stories that don't work out. So whike I adore reading the column, I was glad to see that this book wasn't just a collection of stories I've already read (although Jones does reference a few previous columns for context). He is humorous and personal, which he is rarely given a chance to be in his day job. I loved the antidotes about him and his wife of 20+ years, Cathi. I also appreciated that he took the position of observer rather than teacher in regards to relationships. It's not a How To, it's a What Is.

[Tali Nay · Rating 3 out of 5]

I did enjoy this, although not quite what I was looking for or thought it would be. I love all this author’s books, but I guess I mostly just love the stories he compiles about other people’s love stories. So the bits here where he’s telling stories from those stories, I ate those right up. But I guess I was looking more for conclusions. For some sort of solid list of foolproof advice. The “so here’s what you should actually DO now” part, which never really came. It was mostly just “these things appear to really matter to people, so just be aware of that.” Although what, really, can you even say that would be foolproof when it comes to love? Nothing, surely.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Admittedly, I'm a biased reader. But I suspect most readers of this book are all biased because we almost certainly have one thing in common: We love The New York Times "Modern Love" column. I enjoyed getting a behind-the-scenes look at several of the essays that appeared in the paper and also learning more about Jones's own relationship with his wife, Cathi Hanauer. It was an enjoyable, easy read, and I hope it won't be the last book about the widely-read column. I'm eagerly awaiting a follow up to the first book: Modern Love, True Stories About Love, Loss and Redemption. If you plan to read both, start with that one!

[Erica Swallow · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the editor of the New York Times “Modern Love” column, “Love Illuminated” is a read of Daniel Jones’s take on what love is and how it happens. After nearly a decade of writing the Modern Love column, he’s seen some of the most fascinating stories of love lost, spurned, and reunited. He fuses these throughout the book and gives you a reason to go back to the column to reread the full stories. A light and at times insightful read for those who love love.

[Mel · Rating 5 out of 5]

We humans want to understand love, and improve at it, but we never will. Better just to marvel at it, through this well written book by someone who probably knows more about the topic than any scientist studying it or entereprenur selling it. I don't know why this book isn't more popular given the columns wide readership and the books quality. I enjoyed it and would recommend it to anyone with a sense of humor... though those who are married may want to skip to Chapter 7.

[Nathalie Fiset · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good read but I finished the book not more advanced about Love and why it eludes us. Also, I found the section about what family name to give your children just a filler.
Good but not great. Left me wanting more...just like Love!

[Deanna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Though I suppose it was semi insightful it just seemed a little boring. All the stories seemed made up and lackluster and a lot of it seemed slighty out of touch. A lot of good points were brought up though and I overall liked the author, and his relationship with his wife, which was refreshing.

[Shavawn M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

The best part of this book, besides the discussion of the Modern Love column in the New York Times, was Jones's story of how he met his wife, Cathi. There was a real magic to how it happened and how it turned out.

[Chass Coon · Rating 3 out of 5]

After watching (and loving) Modern Love and reading Jones' compilation of Modern Love stories, I needed to read more. This book was a bit of a disappointment to me. I appreciated some of the insights Jones has on the subject of love, but I really wanted to read more individuals' essays.

[Judy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I expected this to have more examples of stories sent into the New York Times Editor of Modern Love Column. The examples that were included were the best part of the book. I was less impressed with the didactic parts.

[Jackie Ostrowicki · Rating 4 out of 5]

Modern Love editor Daniel Jones shares everything he’s learned from editing the column. Good companion book to the Tiny Love Stories compilations and the Modern Love best-of book. Fans of the column will enjoy it.

[Edmond · Rating 3 out of 5]

Insightful and funny stories and questions and quizzes. At first I was hesitant about reading it, since it was about dating but then he talks about marriage and the challenges of being and staying married. He does it through examples, stories in a thought provoking way.